Beloved Zoe

[addy]

Darling, I cant write this now. You know Mama, all fo a sudden the words will spill out and not stop. I will be back to write to you. I though perhaps I should put the first chapter of our book here but now it seems inadequate. For now, my darling, kisses to our head, holding you to my chest, feel me breathe in and out and then run, my darlling Zoe, and go to my Dad. He will love you until we meet again. He has listened to my prayers for you so many times. I will scatter your ashes on his grave on your birthday. Then I know I can always go where you will be together. He is a great Dad you will love him.

[Budsters Mom]

Sweet Zoe,

We love you because of the wonderful gift your Mom shared with us. That gift was your life and adventures. It always made me smile when dinner time came because of "skip, hop, bark". I loved that! I can just picture you "skip, hop, barking" ALL the time! Xxxxxx

[apollo6]

Dear Zoe
You were a princess, a fighter, a leader. We loved you for your courage, mischievous anti tics, your courage, your role model. Just for being you. Sweet Angel watch over your Mom.
Love and
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
Dear Addy take the time to grieve and rest and when you are ready you will write.

[addy]

Kitchen was awfully quiet tonight, sweet girl. Koko did ok without you. I know you are watching out for him. We bought him a new squeaky ball but he cant fit it in his mouth. It is the same ball you chewed up three times on him so not sure what is up with that.

Love you more if that is even possible. Thank you for all you have given me Zoe. You blessed me with so very much.

When I am gone, do not cry and shed wild tears but carry on in my name

I will always honor your memory my darling Zoe. Never to be forsaken.

[addy]

Darling,

I found these snippets on my work computer going through all your health files. All the pain of those early days when they told us you had Cushings. I write them here now so I remember that too and then I will write the rest when I can. Dearest Love of My Life.

So many stories to tell, my love, so many good stories to tell. But maybe we have to start with the bad to work to the good.

I call “Hi, how are you!” and wave my hand. Zoe starts barking, scanning the street. One ear goes back, a quizzical look on her face. We walk a few more steps and I try it again. She gives the same response.

Now I yell “Hi, how are you” and then click and give her chicken before she barks. We practice the rest of the way home. I start yelling “Hi, how are you?” in the house. She seems confused and runs to the front door.

Today we go for our walk. I yell ‘Hi, how are you” and she turns to me and sits, eyes soft, no bark. I click and give her chicken. She knows now she doesn’t need to be worried. “Hi, how are you” = chicken. I laugh and laugh and we head for home.

__

The most beautiful dog I ever saw- the joy has been sucked out of me. My beautiful, smart, little dog with so many problems may now have Cushing’s disease. The world is dark, I can’t even go into the pet store. I cry all the time and then make myself smile as I near the house. She musn’t know my pain. But, of course she will know something is wrong no matter how hard I try to hide it.
The most beautiful dog I ever saw, Zoe, I can’t bear the thought of losing her.

--

I put Cushings in the drawer or the box. I tell it loudly “Get in the box now!” I have not cried for two days. Zoe seems more playful. I hope I am able to keep Cushings in the box!

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I didn’t know I held my breath when she poops, but I did. She looks up at me with a worried look on her face. Now I plant a smile on my face and breathe. If it is bad, I tell her, well, now, that’s not so bad, good job. If it is good I smile and tell her good job.
Breathe in, breathe out, I must remember to breathe.

------
Anticipatory grief. I did not know it had a name. I am not crazy, just grieving over a beloved family member, my Zoe . I fear the future and what it will bring. Guilt over the past, is it my fault she has this disease? Live in the now? How? I was supposed to write a book. I only finished chapter one. It was to be about a woman and her love for a little dog from Animal Control, written in a warm, witty style. Will it now be of our journey together and how it relates to her disease? Zoe, my Zoe, oh, how I love my Zoe. How do I write your story now?

___
I remember the night Zoe learned “rest”. I did not know what to call the behavior and it morphed into more than what I initially thought it would be. We tried our hand at free shaping. I sat on the floor with my pile of chicken and waited for her to throw out a fun behavior. Those big, black rimmed eyes looked at me and I swear she had a grin on her face. Always that quizzical yet comical glint in her eye that not many people were privileged to see. Finally she nodded, touching her chin to the floor. “YES!” I excitedly cried and clicked and gave her chicken. Then I waited. She looked at me for a brief moment and did it again. A click and more chicken were her reward. I saw the light go on in her eyes. She is always too smart.

------

So much to say, where do I start? I can’t start, tears flow and my throat freezes up. I can’t talk about her. When will I be able to ? When it is too late? So many stories, so many memories, my Zoe. Why do I love you so?

-----

It was -16 degrees the day hope died. The arctic cold had settled in and did not want to leave. The weather stayed dismal with no end in sight. The world was gray and dark, cold beyond belief and no matter how hard I tried I could not remember how to gather roses or what they even looked like.
Everything was in slow motion; bursts of energy “I will fix it” would dissolve into a slow emptiness, as if I were standing still. I was moving, breathing, doing what needed to be done but my world barely moved, she barely moved. The slower Zoe got, the slower the world became.
Koko started to change as well. He became quiet, trying to comfort her, lying near her when he could. I saw it in his face first though I tried so hard not to recognize it. Koko knew before I did that hope died.
Fear, anger, denial, acceptance.
The day hope died it was -16 degrees and there was only one end in sight.
I love you Zoe.

[apollo6]

Dear Addy
This is so beautifully written from the heart. When the time is right keep these posts to write in your book. I started to write about 3 pages and have still not restarted. We need to keep them remembered somehow. Sweet Zoe, we all miss you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Everything you are going through is real.

[addy]

My darling little girl, I let your candle burn out and cried so hard when I saw it was not lit.

I tried to soak my arm in the bath tub last night and I remembered how you would come in and bark at me while I was taking a bath and then roll on the towel. You always tried to pull the wet towel from me when I dried my hair. It had been a while since you could do that.
I realized that last night.

Koko has his Kong again. He needed the stimulation and he does not chew and rip and get his jaw stuck in it like some little girls I know
Oh Zoe. I am glad you are no longer in pain. I know you fought and fought to stay with us. You loved it here from the very first day. How happy you were when we brought you home. You ran from roon to room, jumping on the bed, the sofa with that Zoe look twinkling in your eyes, too impish to be called Chloe so I named you Zoe.

The most beautiful little girl I had ever seen so full of life and so happy to out of jail and rescued from that terrible situation.

I love you so much and will hold you in my heart forever and a day. No one can ever take your place. The bond was so deep and true.

I dont know why God took you that Friday. I guess he decided you needed to rest and stop fighting.

I love you Zoe

[gatorgirl_bama]

Addy,
I cry with you for Zoe and for the heartache you are feeling now.

Donna

[apollo6]

How beautiful. Let the feelings out. It will be a tough time for you.
Love Always
Sonja and Angel Apollo

[addy]

Darling Zoe, Daddy and I talk about you all the time. We found pictures of you and Chewy underneath the Christmas tree, years ago before Koko came to live with us. We smiled so at the images of our happy, healthy dog.

Zoe, I cried so many tears over you. For two years, I wrote about your poop every day. In between those tears you brought me such happiness and joy. I miss you so. I miss you bossing me around, telling me what to do, I miss burying my face in your fur, I miss your smell, I miss your snoring, I miss chicken walks and face at the door.
I even miss you trying to bite me.

Koko is mising you as well. Daddy too. The house is so quiet without you telling us what to do. We are all so heartbroken.

We all love you baby girl. Tell Dad to give you extra hugs today from all of us.