"Mah Boy" Keesh the Wonder Dog

As I read through these memory threads, I know the tears that have been shed would probably fill an ocean.

It was a month today you left me, and I'm just as raw with emotion over you as if it was just a minute ago you said goodbye.

I miss you walking through the shower after I was finished, licking the plain yogurt container, lifting your head from your bowl wondering if I was going to add more chicken... the excitement when seeing your towel bag knowing we were going for swim therapy, nosing your leash to let me know you wanted to go out and once the leash was on putting it in your mouth to pull me out the door. All your toys you used to run and get for guests, once you saw they were there for a visit. Soooo many memories that right now cannot make me smile but only bring the biggest heartache and tears anyone can imagine.

It is so hard to come here and write all these things about you, as it only brings on the tears that I have so much trouble trying to control.
Miss you and love you every single day...

Not much better even today, but thought about you specifically when still that one errant sock goes missing. Can't blame you anymore baby boy. Everyday more memories that make me cry. Sure hope sometime soon Mommy can smile thinking about you.

Everytime I come on here "fat boy" Mommy starts to cry. I am going to give this a rest for a bit until I can pull myself together. Miss you and love you more then anyone knows.

Oh Judy, Keesh sure was a special boy and his mommy sure is special too. Losing them is so very hard, so I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that we do understand how you are feeling and we share that pain with you.

Sending huge and loving hugs you way, Lori

Thank you so much. It means the world to me, it really does. Lighting a memory candle or writing here just sends me into a tailspin and I had no idea I could cry so many tears. It's awful for sure, and I'm hoping somehow I can move on. I'm trying, but my next hurdle is going home which will either kill me or prove I can take another step in this oh so lonely heartbreaking experience.

When do you come home Judi?

I imagine it will be a very hard home coming no matter how you look at it, but I think the break from the house must have done some good. I hope so anyhow.
Keesh was a huge presence. There is no way to get past that quickly unfortunately. :(

Know we are thinking of you and Keesh.
hugs

Heading home the first week of January then be looking diligently for a new place to live somewhere that is comfortable, cause where I am just isn't it. Will be watching the road conditions so it may take a few days if the weather is bad.

I hope when you do return home you find that the memories tied to that place bring you smiles and peace instead of deeper anguish. No matter where you are, Keesh is with you, where ever you go, he will be with you. You will cry and cry a lot for some time but it does get better. Just let it come; it's part of the healing process so let it flow, let your tears wash your Soul, cleanse your wound. What you and Keesh shared is deserving of each and every tear. Before long, you will find yourself smiling at some memory, then you will cry because you smiled. But then the smiles will come more often and the tears a bit less.

And you know you always have a soft spot to fall here with us, sweetie.

Merry Christmas baby boy!!!! Mommy isn't celebrating this year for many reasons, but the biggest one is because you aren't here.

Merry Christmas Judi... hard one for you but you are going to get heaps of hugs from all of us... big wink to Keesh up there, such a special boy!! xxx

Thank you and Merry Christmas to you as well. I'm just spending a very quiet night in the hotel room. Will skype that grandkids tomorrow and then Christmas will almost be over. I sure hope next year I get the spirit back. All the very best to you and yours.

I am sure you will get the spirit back when you least expect it my dear friend. As they say you just have to find your sea legs again. For this season is a season of joy and celebrating what we have along with remembering those whom we have lost. How bright they made our world just by sharing it with us and that they were a gift. One that walked the path with us for much to short of a time but whom made the path a little brighter while they shared it with us.

Love

Big hugs Judi, thinking of you and your boy. Holidays are hard, I think just even as we get older, they get harder for some reason. Couple that with a devastating loss and well, they aren't very merry or bright.

Sometimes we may find a glimmer of the holidays when we are not looking if we keep our hearts open.

I think of you often. Enjoy skyping with the grandkids. We did FaceTime on Christmas Eve, a first for us, everyone had the flu. It was different but fun once I figured out how to do it:o

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care. Wrap yourself in the memories. Keesh will always be a part of you.
Sonja and Apollo

Another miserable day here in this place. Never snowed for 5 weeks when I took my sabbatical, and now it hasn't stopped snowing and blowing for a solid week never mind the deep freeze. I know baby boy you wouldn't have managed well in this weather at all but sure hope you are warm, safe and happy where you are now. Love and miss you terribly every single day and almost every minute of every single day. Mommy cries all the time for you and sometimes I think literally my heart is going to break.

I know how you feel. I have cried every day since I said goodbye to my Wrangell. If I'm bring honest, I started crying for him weeks before too. I feel frustrated. I just don't want to move on without him. I want to just go back to when he was happy and healthy.
It helps me to know he is no longer in pain - although I get angry thinking about how he left me too soon. How much time is enough?
My uncle told me, the deeper the love, the deeper the pain. How can it be any other way? His sentiment has helped me understand why I am grieving so deeply and it hurts so badly. I hope it can help you too.

2 months today "poopers" and just as raw as if it were yesterday. Funny I couldn't remember Mommy and Daddy's anniversary date ever, then I realized only a couple of weeks ago that you left me on our anniversary date. There isn't an anniversary anymore, but the date now is embedded for life. So miss you baby boy... and my heart has been torn apart. I try to go on and I don't do too bad a job outwardly but deep down, I'm still completely shattered.

Hugs Judi, thinking of you. Every time I look at my Koko I remember how you always call Keesh "mah boy", makes me think of you both. I think that is a gift you both gave me and I'm so glad to have the memory.

Love ya

I even have "mah boy" as part of passwords I use - not giving any secrets away... there's more then just those words. He's as much a part of everything I do even still today, and sometimes I am in an almost uncontrollable weeping session, no... downright crying session. Yesterday I cooked a roasted chicken.. first time since he's been gone. I was at a loss as to what to do with parts of the chicken he loved. Gosh... not a day goes by something does bring him to the forefront at the least unexpected times. I sure hope this ache dulls soon, it's almost unbearable and it is a physical ache.

I understand the ache, for me, I learned to live with it and distract myself. Still so new for you.

Some things we work through, some things we bury. I knew I did not deal with my father's death, boy after 15 years I found some of his clothes and did that make me acutely aware of how I suppressed the hurt.

Maybe it is better to feel the pain now, go through the mourning.

Love you

Squirt's name is also a large part of much of my life - she is all around me in many forms. For a while, this was almost more than I could bear but now most of the time it brings me comfort, much comfort. That took some time, tho. I don't think I will ever be able to sign a post here using all the other babies names but not hers, tho. I fall to pieces every time. THAT is just wrong to me - that I can no longer sign, "Leslie, Squirt, Trinket..." I can't find a way to make that one ok. :(

Hi baby boy.... Mommy heard this today, and instantly thought of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51PPe6Vbk40

Hiya puppers. Valentine's day went by very quietly here as it was the 3 month anniversary since you left. I cannot believe even yet you are gone let alone 3 months already. Terribly lonely without you baby boy.

Judi. (((Hugs)))

Big hugs, Judi, shared tears too.

Dear Judi
Wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. Grief overpowers you. But it doesn't mean you should suppress your feelings or lose. You lost a part of you when Keesh died. And yes it will take time to heal. But Kessh will always be in your hurt. So grieve in your own way. It has been over 2 1/2 years since my baby, Apollo passed and I still cry at times and will always miss him. We are here for you. I even went to a pet parent grief support group at the humane society. It comforted me to know I wasn't crazy and I could grieve. It takes as long as it does .
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

Hey puppers... spoke to a sitter of yours today and told her your story of what happened on your last day here. Cried like it was just today that it happened. You have more then a piece of my heart baby boy.... you have most of it. Miss you so, so much and would give anything to see you if even for a minute. Mommy is lonely, I wake up, eat, sleep, watch tv, shop, and everything else we did together and now without you here is the worst feeling ever. Not sure how to get over this, not sure if I want to, but I know you will never be here again, and I have to deal with it somehow. I am existing that's all not living as I can't find much joy in anything since you've been gone.

Mommy is moving away from this place that became just a "sad place".Hope the bad memories fade once I'm gone. Miss you so much and wish you were with me on this new adventure. Everytime I see a place to move to, there's a yard that you would have loved to explore. Sure hope this is the answer for me to move on relatively normal once I'm out of here. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and just yesterday looked at so many old pictures of you. Life was so much easier when you were here. Love you poopers.

Oh Judi, I don't know if the feelings of missing them ever goes away, I too, miss my boys terribly still. All that we can do is put one foot in the front of the other every day, and deal with that pain of losing them, every day.

I do believe a "change in scenery" can do a heart wonders, so I will be wishing that for you. Sending huge loving hugs to you dear Judi, and know your family here will always be here to support you,

Love and hugs, Lori

Judi! Sending you hugs! I agree, I don't think we get over them at all. I think we adapt because we must, not because we want to. I do hope you find a nice place in a nice area where you can find some peace and happiness. What areas are you looking in?

Just going to go somewhere that I can afford to pay cash. Windsor area is looking the most promising right now. Was going to go to New Brunswick where my brother is.. but he's going to move back to Ontario within a year, so that's out. I feel like a complete vagabond and have now for a year. If I don't get settled somewhere soon, I'm worried about my frame of mind. I'm tired of moving and just want some place permanent.

Windsor, hmm, yes I did see prices are better there. The closer you get to Toronto and to the summer cottage areas, the more expensive it gets.

You do have to find some place you can settle and enjoy your life. Do you have friends in Windsor?

Hey puppers. I'm packing once again to leave this place that only has such sad, sad memories. I held you today, gave you a kiss and cried like it was just today that I lost you. I cannot believe it has been 5 months already..and the loss, sadness and tears just never diminish. My heart aches for you baby boy....you were the world to me.

Sharlene... going to Elliot Lake on Wednesday to look around. Windsor has just too much older housing for my price bracket.

Hi Judi - hope you have settled into your new place and are ready to make a whole new set of memories. Big hugs x and a kiss winging its way to doggy heaven for the lovely Keesh! :)

Thank you.. I pulled down my photo of Keesh on my facebook page when he died as I just couldn't look at it. A couple of days ago, I put his beautiful picture back up... with the comment "what I'd give to see this face one more time and give him a hug" and the minute I did it I got into a huge weeping session again. It's been now just over 6 months which I just can't fathom at all... and yet the grief is just as raw as if it were yesterday... it just doesn't come quite as often.

Sending loving and comforting hugs, dear Judi.

I understand completely. A year later and I am still left breathless at times by reality.

If they only knew just how much of our heart is torn and completely shattered at just the thought of them.

Hi Judi,

It has been almost 2 years since Buddy flew. It's not easier. I don't know if it ever will be. It's just different. Be gentle with yourself. There are no rules. We all just stumble along doing the best we can.

Hugs,
Kathy