Sharring the story of Husko the Hero...

Thursday 13th March to Friday 14th March

After coming home from work ,my mother said she gave Husko a good massage and he was stretching his legs (this leg stretching he always did when massaged was what confused me...what was wrong with his leg?)


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He was sleeping quietly in the living room (on his right side)...
I gave his 1*30mg Vetoryl + 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
1 hour later 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
(A voice in my head told me to not give Vetoryl or Artemix this night...I didn't listen...)

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Later at night (2-3am I think) he moaned so i rush to check...
Lifted him up in case he wanted to pee...
He couldn't stand and even if I was holding him ,his ''folding/distorting'' was painful to watch...

I put him on his left side and pet him...
Strangely the ''distorting/bending'' stopped this time after i pet his head...
Gave for the first time a 3rd 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
He belched 4-5 times...

He looked at me with a look I have never seen before...
as though asking ''do you want me to leave...?''
He slept...I went back to my room to rest ,
even though a voice spoke to me in my head to sleep on the couch (like i did many nights before...but the slightest noise would seem to wake him up so I thought it would be better if he rested)


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He woke up about an hour later...
Lifted him up again in case he wanted to pee...my voice was not tender...it was frustrated...
nothing...
I put him on his right side again...and he slept almost immediately...


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No more than an hour later I went to check...
He had peed his bed...
I gently pulled him on the floor...moaned for a second...
I changed the sheets...massaged his side and pet his head...
He looked so calm and gentle...so beautiful...


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I slept no more than an hour later in my bed...
Mother went to work at 7a.m. ...he was still alive...breathing a bit slow and heavy as she told me...

Father said he found him not alive at 8a.m. but didn't wake me up...

Mother came back from work at 9:30a.m. and woke me up...
''Husko is dead'' she said...
I can't remember jumping from my bed & going to the living room so fast ever in my life...

I couldn't believe it...he wasn't stiff or cold yet...
Pushed his chest for a few seconds trying to make him breath...nothing...
Checked for pulse...nothing
In my panic i took a syringe and drew 1-2ml of blood in case a vet could tell me what happened...
Then...
everything...
stopped...


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I can't remember how many hours i was standing over his body...
crying...
smoking...
crying...
feeling empty...
forgetting to breath...
waiting for this nightmare to end so i will wake up...
waiting to see him taking a breath since he looked so calm...

Does anybody PLEASE have any explanation for this physical reason of his passing?

Was it the immune system not getting out dead cancer cells in time?
Was it the tumor growing because of Vetoryl?
Was it Nelson Syndrome?

PLEASE...ANYTHING!!!!!!!

I am in very dark place...
Please don't try to comfort me by saying he is in better place or paradise...I don't believe in any god...and if for a moment i could believe Husko is in a paradise...I would pick my sword next to me ,point it at me and rush to meet my baby!!!


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This is my yesterdays 'message to the Artemisinin-yahoo!group...
Please read it...and you will maybe understand my guilt ,my pain and suffering!!!



''Had something to eat today after many days of just coffee and milk...

The lady fostering that little dog with cancer called me back today...
He is actually 10yo not 2-3 (not that it matters to me), but in short she said she would like to try and find a home with a yard because he is used to being in the open being a stray. He is very scared too and getting him in a car is a ''handfull'' for just a test with Lemmy (she also has to work this Saturday) ,so i'll probably have to wait for another week for their visit...we'll see...

Coincidently , a very active lady-rescuer is interested in him too...(been through cancer herself ,fought it only with citrus oils -after almost loosing her life on chemo- and is now healthy)...we chatted a bit on FB......turns out she is a psychologist (cooperating with the police some times too)...so we had a loooong session/chat from 23:00 to 05:00......

I knew&know ''psychology/mind-connection/positive vibes'' to a cancer patient are 80% of the task...
But my efforts ,since last summer ,to fight the ''war of nerves'' of almost everyone / working for funds / researching for endless hours during the night&day / sleeplesness and sleeping weird hours / and aaaaall these difficulties we all know & share one way or another ,
were slowly diminishing my ''psychology/mind-connection/positive vibes'' towards my Angel Husko..and accellarating in the final month...

We realised i had a memory block...
During the last 2 weeks of his life...without remembering the exact ''reason'' or day i remembered i went to Husko ,grabbed him by the throat and asked him angrily&frustrated looking him in the eyes ''what do you want from me...what????''...
I wasn't sinking into paranoia anymore...i was paranoid...
Some times i was sitting frustrated on the couch against Husko...i regretfully even slapped him 5-6 times during these 8 months...but that final outrage was the last straw...i was scared...scarred...frightened...ashamed and disgusted by myself...

She asked me if he ever did me harm...
I do remember him biting me when i was teaching him not to be possesive with food ,but i never ever held a grudge against him or needed more than 0 secs to forgive him...
She said it's the same thing...he would forgive me in 0 secs too...
However...I can maybe imagine him forgiving and understanding my few slaps...but that last action?
She tried to comfort me by giving me a similar example of her completely loosing it after a very hard and emotional day and for some reason slapping one of her dogs who was sick at the time...and saying ''we're only human after all Iraklis...not gods...there's only so much we can cope and suffer untill we break...least we can do is learn from our bad actions...''

I then remembered my Angel Huskos' last look on his final night somehow asking me ''do you want me to leave?''...
Such gentle and noble creatures they are...
I feel my Angel Husko let go of his life in order to save me from what i was slowly becoming...
I feel completely destroyed, small and humble thinking this...
My best feels so little after all is said and done...
I don't know why i am writing this...because even if everyone...even if Husko himself could forgive me...i will never forgive myself...
I've been actually scared of peting Lemmy when he comes to me since Angel Husko left us...

I remember last summers' sorrow being told he has liver cancer and nothing can be done (but since little if any guilt was present i could actually focus on our happy days)...I remember ''flying'' with happiness once we found out it wasnt liver cancer but something that can be fought like cushings....then sinking again into depression after the tumor grew (probably Nelson Syndrome from the use of Vetoryl)
...then small battles won ,like Angel Husko starting eating again even though he was given only 1-2 weeks in early November...then depression going hand in hand with anger & guilt & frustration & regrets...

I know now that neglecting myself did more harm in our fight against cancer/tumor...but is so hard to realize this during the fight when ex.going to see a friend, seems like neglecting your furbaby...

She said i should focus on our happy days...but how can you do that when all you have left is pain and still love unshared?
When pain is the only thing you feel you can share with your now gone fur-baby?

I do know if i died i would absolutely hate to see Husko or Lemmy sad...but what would our furbabies do in our place?''

Iraklis:
I am so very sorry. I know how depressed you are over your sweet baby. It is indeed a very sad story. You gave him love and a home to stay in, in turn he gave you his loyalty and love. People do not understand the enormous grief we feel over the passing of our babies, but the ones on here understand.
Patti

Iraklis,

from what you have written, you have done so much to save Husko! So very much and I'm sure that he hung onto life even longer to be with you.

The world is not fair and I fully understand your frustration. My mother had Parkinsons disease and it was horrible to watch her die a slow death for seven years. I would not wish this pain on anyone!

Please, please forgive yourself. We are only human and can only handle so much. Husko is running free and healthy once again and when your time comes, you will be together again under happier circumstances.

It does not sound like your vets were much help at all and I find it amazing that Husko lived as long as he did under your care with no one knowledgeable enough to help you. Under those conditions, you did very well.

I imagine that our furbabies would do much as you did, love us and do what they can with what they have.

Love like this comes at a price when things go wrong, the emotional drain is astounding. No one can understand unless they have lived through it.

It's time to heal yourself now. Relish the happy memories as much as you can, there will be sad days, that is completely normal. Try to do things that you like to do that make you feel good. Hugs.

Hello Iraklis,
Thank you for sharing the journey that you and Husko traveled together. The care you gave him was absolutely the best possible for the situation you were in.
The thing is that we are not vets, and we rely on them to know and do the best possible for our furbabies. We all go the extra mile, trying to research and find the best options of care possible to give them a quality life while they are here.
You were fighting a battle with liver cancer, where the end going to come sooner rather than later for Husko. It is amazing how much and how long he hung in there to try and stay with you. The options are so limited when it comes to cancer treatment in pets. If an option, surgery is just about the only option along with chemo/radiation for any kind of recovery. Medicines can help to shrink tumors, they can help to alleviate symptoms and hopefully they can help to give them a good quality of life for as long as possible. This is the option that most try, as surgery is often, very often, not an option for sometimes financial reasons, usually because it will not help and it is does more harm to put them through it than to just try to make them comfortable.
What you have to realize is that you were giving palliative care. Husko was not going to survive forever with the cancer. You did an excellent job of that. The frustration that fills your life though, of not being able to fix them, not being able to give them the lifespan that one hopes for them, can be overwhelming. I think that you were overwhelmed. Yet you did go on. You continued to try. I do not think that you can beat yourself up continuously for not being able to do something that no other human would be able to do either.
What is very sad, is that you are not able to give Lemmy the comfort and the loving touches that he too needs. Remember, Husko was Lemmy's best friend, his buddy too, and that animals grief just as we do. That Lemmy is turning to you now to be his comfort and somehow you have to find it within yourself to comfort and love him too and show it.
Your journey is not over. Husko's is, whether it is to a better place or just a relief from pain, for him this is over and you have to go on, just as Lemmy has to go on.
Think about that and try to find that place inside you that let you take in Husko and Lemmy and give them homes and love and care. That is the person you are. This illness that Husko had does not define you as a person.

Sharlene and molly muffin

Husko didn't have liver cancer...that was a completely wrong diagnosis...and the treatment for it proposed by the vets (cortisol) only worsened Huskos' condition...

Lemmy got over his 'sadness' in seconds...

I tried my best...but my best drove me to sometimes be intolerable towards Husko...and that is pathetic of me...


P.S.I know this story is a very long and hard read...i am sorry...

Iraklis,
we are only human. We are not perfect. We all feel frustrated by this disease even when the vets get the diagnosis right because every dog reacts differently and each case is different. It takes time to get it right and that is so frustrating.

You did what you could and you faltered along the way, that happens. You loved Husko and I'm sure that he knew. The vets failed both of you.

If you need to find someone professional to talk all of this out with. You can't let the guilt or sadness control your life and you have been through so very much.

Many people wouldn't have taken the time to do what you did for Husko. They would have given him up, or put him down without trying.

Now Lemmy needs you because he misses Husko too. Spend time with him and heal together.

I have talked to a professional ,but that only made things be in a certain order in my head...it didn't actually help...

I cannot compare myself to people who wouldn't bother just to feel better......I have done better than that...but I should have done even more...I know i could have!

It is not only sadness of my baby Husko dying...
It is not only anger at the vets or the mistakes I made...
It is more so about the guilt of sometimes hurting (not so much physically but psychologically) with my actions my baby Husko in his time of need ,driving him into feeling unwanted and letting go of his life to stop it all...



Lemmy is doing just fine...he grieved for no more than 5 seconds than went on with his life...
I haven't neglected him at all...right after work we went for a 2hour walk leading to Huskos' place...

That is good that Lemmy is doing well and that you are spending time together.

You don't know that Husko let go because he was psychologically damaged by your actions. It doesn't seem to, from what you have described, more a matter of his body not be able to do any more and giving out.

I think the most psychological damage has been to yourself.

Dogs are the most forgiving of animals to their humans. Most of us have seen how an animal can be beaten and treated horribly, and yet they will still come back to that same human who hurt them and beg for their love, and give them their love in return.

It is us humans who cannot forgive ourselves. That is what you have to find within yourself, the same amount of forgiveness that I am sure Husko felt towards you. You have to do that to honor him, his spirit.

Sharlene and molly muffin

I couldn't have said it better myself Sharlene.

Iraklis,

before Daisy was diagnosed with Cushings and we began treatment, she would steal food from everyone and anything! It drove me crazy as I thought that it was bad, stubborn, dachshund behavior. I yelled at her and smacked her several times. I know that I shouldn't have and now that I've learned that the disease caused this and not her acting out, I have become more proactive and make sure that everything is put away properly and that we eat out of her reach.

Thankfully, those symptoms have subsided and I don't have to worry so much about this. I will always feel badly for how I behaved but I understand that frustration and pain can make us do these things.

Daisy still loves me and you know that Husko adored you. They are incredibly forgiving creatures. He would not want you to feel this pain. I know this because Daisy can sense when something is wrong with any of us and she sticks to us like glue. Lemmy can sense your pain too I'm sure.

Please work through this and forgive yourself. We humans are far from perfect.
Dogs seem to know that.

Focus on the good that you did for Husko and how very hard you tried to help him. Those are the things that he loved about you.