http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6484
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These are Huskos' last blood results of Saturday 23rd November 2013
*Had stopped Vetoryl 2-4 day prior to this...
SGPT/ALT 104,43 IU/L (10,00-94,00)
ALP 243,00 IU/L (0,00-90,00)
Routine CBC
RBC L 5,44 *10^6 cells/μL
HGB L 12,7 g/dL
HCT 42,7 %
MCV H 78,5 fL
MCHC L 29,7 q/dL
CHCM L 29,1 g/dL
PLT H 478 *10^3 cells/μL
Routine WBC
WBC 16,43 *10^3 cells/μL
Neut H 82,5% - 10,68*10^3 cells/μL
Lymph L bb8,9% - 1,15*10^3 cells/μL
Morphology Flags
MACRO ++
HYPO ++
Cortisol level (note that Husko by this time hated every single vet and cried hard with every needle pinch...)
7,63 μg/dL
........
Tuesday 26th November Husko started eating again!!!
I was happy again beyond belief for this little glimpse of hope!!!
DECEMBER
As I said Husko had started eating again...
*He was given organic MSM in water 3 times a day (amidst all the turmoil i gave him human dose for 2 days ,which caused blood in stools...blamed the curcumin...before realising my mistake...)
...stopped it a month later because it didn't seem to do anything other than loose stools and sometimes diarrhea
*Curcumin powder with chicken breasts
*Boiled the water he drunk to evaporate the chlorine (since start of November water was given with a syringe because anytime he went to drink water, his tongue licked the air).
*1-3grms vit-C every day
*Alpha Lipoic Acid 1*250mg every day
*Milk thistle organic liquid
*Moved his bed in the most quiet room...the living room ,and always left the balcony door a bit open...
Nighttime NO lights were on ,completely dark.
*Every 2 weeks (Saturday&Sunday) he had IV vit-C ,with ever increasing doses
23-24 November = 3-4grms
7-8 November = 7-7grms
21-22 December = 15-15grms
4-5 January = 18-18grms
...
Since mid-November ,
he would sleep...
and whenever he woke up he would get stuck in corners or head-pressing them.
But this stopped when he was out walking. (head-pressing only happened 4-5 times in 2-3 months when on walks)
So my solution to this problem was to walk him whenever he woke up, no matter what the time was.
He woke up 5-7 times a day...sometimes more...sometimes less...
Anytime of the day or night...multiple times...
The time i was at work my father or mother would sometimes walk him outside or get him unstuck from the corners.
This went on for months...
Tensions grew even more in the house...
Husko would pee and relieve himself in the living room which drove my mother mad sometimes and her stress was turned into cursing to me...
Funds were ever diminishing...
Bills were gathering...
But i had to be home for ever inrceasing hours because the others couldn't deal with Huskos' condition...
Work hours diminished...i tried to balance work/money to get what's needed but also have as much time at home tending to Huskos' needs...
Frustration was through the roof...
My 100% was diminishing every day...
Rainy days were worse than others...
Many times were good and i tried sooo much to give positive vibes to my baby every single day since the summer...but the strength needed to look positive and give positive energy was diminishing too...
These are some photos of our walks during December...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6487http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6488http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6489http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6492http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6491http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6490http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6494http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6493http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6495http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6496http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6497http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6498
Also found a small trick of kicking mandarines in front of him so he would follow...
Sometimes he would try to catch them with his front legs...
One night we found a huge green ball...it honestly felt he was playing with it...pushing it and rubbing his neck on it...(no photo of this event...have kept the ball though...)
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6499http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6500http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6501
Last days of December i also received my order of Sunflower Lecithin and an ultrasound cleaning machine to make Liposomal Vit-C
I was sooo happy and and had high hopes for this...
...After 2-3 days of giving him it he went very much downhill...
I called the vets (the ones nearby who had done the original mistakes, specificaly Elias) and asked they come to put Husko to sleep the next day...
The next day he called and cancelled it due to an emergency...so he'd come the next day...
Same day i noticed the Sunflower Lecithin has an ingredient called Linoleic Acid...which is OMEGA-6 (pro-inflammatory)...i stopped giving him immediately...next day he was better so putting him to sleep was cancelled...
result:100+ euros (which would make things easier later on) down the drain...
Finding the right medication that works for your dog is frustrating...
some pics of Husko sleeping or in bed...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6502http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6503http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6504http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6505http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6506http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6507http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6508
JANUARY
The difficulties of handling all of this became ever increasing...
Many times I found myself sitting frustrated against Husko...
Many times when he woke up my voice had lost its tenderness and positive vibe towards him...
*********
By this time I had changed his food to 1/2lbs sardines a day as chicken breast was giving him diarrhea/loose stools.
Continued giving curcumin , ans also gave OMEGA-3 capsules (4-6 a day) , vit-B supreme complex by Health Aid , Liver Guard by source Naturals
a cup of spinach or broccoli in a syringe mixed w/5-10ml aloe Vera and natural lemon juice...
Most nights I would also give a cup of water w/14-18drops of Hydrogen peroxide (at 20 he vomited).
*********
This is his last IV vit-C (January 5th) as I could no longer afford it (more than 100 euros a month just the IV bottles), only hind-leg veins were used all this time due to the front getting black after the MRI and Dextrose serum months before...and most importantly it reached a point where Husko would panick when he saw a needle...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6510
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6509http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6511
One day we went at the park nearby where we used to spent hours in the years before (the one with the lake ,not the one far away where we'd spend whole nights with friends during the summer)...
After you see the last picture...imagine Husko diving in the water & swimming to get to the ducks...me panicking beyond belief...
I succeeded getting him out in less then 2-3 seconds by extending my arm as far as possible...
When I got him out...he collapsed...so I carried him on my shoulders for more than a mile to get home...
I thought I lost him...
but he was better many hours later after getting a good sleep...
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6520http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6518http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6519http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6516http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6517http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6514http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6515http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6513http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6512
...The research for medication was non-stop...
I found there is a drug called Artemisinin/Artemether which is successful against cancer and tumors like the one my baby Husko had...
I found there is a medicine called Riamet which has the substance Artemether.
I called the pharmacy shop/lab if they had it...they didn't.
I called the company Novartis...it wasn't readily available...
it had to be ordered through a doctors' prescription through the Greek FDA...
I lost hope...
Days & nights went by as described before...
The frustration was building...
Looking back ,during December,January and February I found myself so frustrated by everything...
The war of nerves ,constant bad mood and turmoil in my house especially between mother&father, sometimes family helping and sometimes indifferent or against me, people telling me I should just put him to sleep, lack of funds, lack of car to get to vets, 24hours a day seemed few, bad decisions ,trying to balance everything...
got me to the point were sometimes at night when Husko would wake up and needed a walk and I was dead tired or researching the internet I would just go to him and slap him......
How pathetic is this???
I slapped my sick baby...and nothing can do this right or justify it...
What kind of horrible person could do this???
WHY couldn't I hold myself together?
If you think i am a bad person you probably think better of me than i do about myself...
This is the last photograph I have of my baby being alive...(January 19th)
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6521
I also tried giving him BCAA for the tumor-cachexia but the suggested dose caused diarrhea so i backed it off...
By sheer chance one night ,mid/late January ,after looking at a rescue site ,I found a place where I could order Artemix (Artemisinin/Artemether/Artesunate) and a Yahoo!group experienced in this!!!
Again...high hopes emerged!!!
Few days later when I had collected the funds, I finally ordered it from the US.
It would take about 1-2 weeks to arrive and then ,my baby would have hope again!!!
***********
Ending of January......my father took Husko for a walk while I was at work!
He said Husko stumbled and hurt his left front leg (the one which had the pus come out at summer and was still opened ,due to cortisol suppressing the immune system...)...and was walking on the other 3 legs!
Returned home...found out about this...and all hell broke loose...
I cursed my father for not paying attention to Husko!!
I cursed myself for not being there or couldn't see this coming!!
Just when i hoped things would get better...this happens...
I believe it was a huge blow in my babys' psychology and already bad health and I feared it would cost him his life...
FEBRUARY
February 1st
Managed to find transport to the vet Elias the day after Husko hurt his leg...
He checked it and said it is probably muscle receding.
I didn't ask for an x-ray or blood test...
I didn't have the funds...but now looking back i should have just said i would owed him ,as he had given me this option in the past, instead of worrying about collecting money for future supplements or stupid bills...
One of the biggest mistakes of my life...
Was I getting used to Husko being able to surpass anything and didn't understand how important this was?
Did my stupid honor of not owing money cost the life of my baby???
**********
By now the bottle of Artemix had arrived from the US!
Artemix works better when the tumor is aggressive so i started giving 1*30mg Vetoryl (still had plenty) each night 1 hour prior to 2 capsules of Artemix.
Artemix is pulsed so it was one day on one day off!
On the days he didn't get Artemix I only gave 1*15mg of Vetoryl at night!
Gave Artemix with 1Tablespoon of Organic Coconut Oil for better absorption (also with each day passing I reduced the amount of sardines and increased the amount O.Coconut.O. eventually giving 6 TBsp a day
Of course...Husko stopped eating again the same day i started Vetoryl...
***********
2 weeks went by with no improvement of his walking...I was getting pissed off by everything...
My mother helped a lot during February...
She would put a blanket across his chest and walk him inside the house...
I did too...sometimes though putting my arms on his sides was enough...
He would cry when he wanted to pee or relieve himself, so me or mother would rush to pick him up...
In the following days I tried to collect funds for an x-ray...
Doing that while now working 3-4 hours a day ,since very few companies/people needed courier services since almost the start of the year ,and trying to do everything with 9-12 euros a day......seemed impossible...
It took me 2 weeks to collect the money...and by now it was March...
MARCH
I received this months Artemix ,Omega-3 and Liver Guard(still had of the others)...
Artemix was now given 2on-1off...
I also registered on the Artemisinin-Yahoo!group in case i did sth wrong, wanting any advice...and just plain talk to someone since it had been many months since i spoke and opened myself to anyone...
3 very good people offered to give me medication (I4P and Artemisinin/Artemix) which they did send by airplane...!!!
I had contacted many friends but only one could get us to the vets Saturday 8th March...
I waited anxiously and counted every hour since Thursday!
Morning Saturday she calls and she can't make it...I call a few friends...none I called were available...
I gave up...and hoped for next Saturday......
(now some other people say ''why didn't you call me?'' and i don't know what to say to them or myself...)
Can't remember the exact date (maybe 2-3 weeks) this started but Husko was now sleeping like this (opposite side ,left)
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/pict...pictureid=6524
I put a fan 1yrd away blowing air at him in case he had trouble breathing...it seemed to help...
Last 2-3 days he only wanted to sleep this way on his right side...
If I lay him to sleep on his left side he would moan and ''distort'' his body to the point his head would almost reach his pelvis...
He slept throughout the day and night only waking up to pee or relieve himself...
He could not stand oh his (3) legs anymore...he would immediately or 2-4 secs later fall ,while also ''distorting/bending'' on his right side (head to pelvis).
My mind was full of thoughts it burned and felt empty...I just waited for next Saturday and if nothing improved till Monday-Tuesaday i would call the vets to come to the house to put Husko to sleep...
I could only guess...was it maybe not giving enough Artemix (more days on Artemix) or was it giving the immune system time to get the sick cancer cells out (more days off Artemix)?
Should I had maybe just stopped Vetoryl for a few days or go 2days*30mg+Artemix then 2days*15mg then nothing of these?
What was the magic combo??????
Thursday 13th March to Friday 14th March
After coming home from work ,my mother said she gave Husko a good massage and he was stretching his legs (this leg stretching he always did when massaged was what confused me...what was wrong with his leg?)
***********
He was sleeping quietly in the living room (on his right side)...
I gave his 1*30mg Vetoryl + 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
1 hour later 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
(A voice in my head told me to not give Vetoryl or Artemix this night...I didn't listen...)
***********
Later at night (2-3am I think) he moaned so i rush to check...
Lifted him up in case he wanted to pee...
He couldn't stand and even if I was holding him ,his ''folding/distorting'' was painful to watch...
I put him on his left side and pet him...
Strangely the ''distorting/bending'' stopped this time after i pet his head...
Gave for the first time a 3rd 1 capsule Artemix w/1TBsp O.Coconut.O.
He belched 4-5 times...
He looked at me with a look I have never seen before...
as though asking ''do you want me to leave...?''
He slept...I went back to my room to rest ,
even though a voice spoke to me in my head to sleep on the couch (like i did many nights before...but the slightest noise would seem to wake him up so I thought it would be better if he rested)
***********
He woke up about an hour later...
Lifted him up again in case he wanted to pee...my voice was not tender...it was frustrated...
nothing...
I put him on his right side again...and he slept almost immediately...
***********
No more than an hour later I went to check...
He had peed his bed...
I gently pulled him on the floor...moaned for a second...
I changed the sheets...massaged his side and pet his head...
He looked so calm and gentle...so beautiful...
***********
I slept no more than an hour later in my bed...
Mother went to work at 7a.m. ...he was still alive...breathing a bit slow and heavy as she told me...
Father said he found him not alive at 8a.m. but didn't wake me up...
Mother came back from work at 9:30a.m. and woke me up...
''Husko is dead'' she said...
I can't remember jumping from my bed & going to the living room so fast ever in my life...
I couldn't believe it...he wasn't stiff or cold yet...
Pushed his chest for a few seconds trying to make him breath...nothing...
Checked for pulse...nothing
In my panic i took a syringe and drew 1-2ml of blood in case a vet could tell me what happened...
Then...
everything...
stopped...
***********
I can't remember how many hours i was standing over his body...
crying...
smoking...
crying...
feeling empty...
forgetting to breath...
waiting for this nightmare to end so i will wake up...
waiting to see him taking a breath since he looked so calm...
Does anybody PLEASE have any explanation for this physical reason of his passing?
Was it the immune system not getting out dead cancer cells in time?
Was it the tumor growing because of Vetoryl?
Was it Nelson Syndrome?
PLEASE...ANYTHING!!!!!!!
I am in very dark place...
Please don't try to comfort me by saying he is in better place or paradise...I don't believe in any god...and if for a moment i could believe Husko is in a paradise...I would pick my sword next to me ,point it at me and rush to meet my baby!!!
***********
This is my yesterdays 'message to the Artemisinin-yahoo!group...
Please read it...and you will maybe understand my guilt ,my pain and suffering!!!
''Had something to eat today after many days of just coffee and milk...
The lady fostering that little dog with cancer called me back today...
He is actually 10yo not 2-3 (not that it matters to me), but in short she said she would like to try and find a home with a yard because he is used to being in the open being a stray. He is very scared too and getting him in a car is a ''handfull'' for just a test with Lemmy (she also has to work this Saturday) ,so i'll probably have to wait for another week for their visit...we'll see...
Coincidently , a very active lady-rescuer is interested in him too...(been through cancer herself ,fought it only with citrus oils -after almost loosing her life on chemo- and is now healthy)...we chatted a bit on FB......turns out she is a psychologist (cooperating with the police some times too)...so we had a loooong session/chat from 23:00 to 05:00......
I knew&know ''psychology/mind-connection/positive vibes'' to a cancer patient are 80% of the task...
But my efforts ,since last summer ,to fight the ''war of nerves'' of almost everyone / working for funds / researching for endless hours during the night&day / sleeplesness and sleeping weird hours / and aaaaall these difficulties we all know & share one way or another ,
were slowly diminishing my ''psychology/mind-connection/positive vibes'' towards my Angel Husko..and accellarating in the final month...
We realised i had a memory block...
During the last 2 weeks of his life...without remembering the exact ''reason'' or day i remembered i went to Husko ,grabbed him by the throat and asked him angrily&frustrated looking him in the eyes ''what do you want from me...what????''...
I wasn't sinking into paranoia anymore...i was paranoid...
Some times i was sitting frustrated on the couch against Husko...i regretfully even slapped him 5-6 times during these 8 months...but that final outrage was the last straw...i was scared...scarred...frightened...ashamed and disgusted by myself...
She asked me if he ever did me harm...
I do remember him biting me when i was teaching him not to be possesive with food ,but i never ever held a grudge against him or needed more than 0 secs to forgive him...
She said it's the same thing...he would forgive me in 0 secs too...
However...I can maybe imagine him forgiving and understanding my few slaps...but that last action?
She tried to comfort me by giving me a similar example of her completely loosing it after a very hard and emotional day and for some reason slapping one of her dogs who was sick at the time...and saying ''we're only human after all Iraklis...not gods...there's only so much we can cope and suffer untill we break...least we can do is learn from our bad actions...''
I then remembered my Angel Huskos' last look on his final night somehow asking me ''do you want me to leave?''...
Such gentle and noble creatures they are...
I feel my Angel Husko let go of his life in order to save me from what i was slowly becoming...
I feel completely destroyed, small and humble thinking this...
My best feels so little after all is said and done...
I don't know why i am writing this...because even if everyone...even if Husko himself could forgive me...i will never forgive myself...
I've been actually scared of peting Lemmy when he comes to me since Angel Husko left us...
I remember last summers' sorrow being told he has liver cancer and nothing can be done (but since little if any guilt was present i could actually focus on our happy days)...I remember ''flying'' with happiness once we found out it wasnt liver cancer but something that can be fought like cushings....then sinking again into depression after the tumor grew (probably Nelson Syndrome from the use of Vetoryl)
...then small battles won ,like Angel Husko starting eating again even though he was given only 1-2 weeks in early November...then depression going hand in hand with anger & guilt & frustration & regrets...
I know now that neglecting myself did more harm in our fight against cancer/tumor...but is so hard to realize this during the fight when ex.going to see a friend, seems like neglecting your furbaby...
She said i should focus on our happy days...but how can you do that when all you have left is pain and still love unshared?
When pain is the only thing you feel you can share with your now gone fur-baby?
I do know if i died i would absolutely hate to see Husko or Lemmy sad...but what would our furbabies do in our place?''
Iraklis:
I am so very sorry. I know how depressed you are over your sweet baby. It is indeed a very sad story. You gave him love and a home to stay in, in turn he gave you his loyalty and love. People do not understand the enormous grief we feel over the passing of our babies, but the ones on here understand.
Patti
Iraklis,
from what you have written, you have done so much to save Husko! So very much and I'm sure that he hung onto life even longer to be with you.
The world is not fair and I fully understand your frustration. My mother had Parkinsons disease and it was horrible to watch her die a slow death for seven years. I would not wish this pain on anyone!
Please, please forgive yourself. We are only human and can only handle so much. Husko is running free and healthy once again and when your time comes, you will be together again under happier circumstances.
It does not sound like your vets were much help at all and I find it amazing that Husko lived as long as he did under your care with no one knowledgeable enough to help you. Under those conditions, you did very well.
I imagine that our furbabies would do much as you did, love us and do what they can with what they have.
Love like this comes at a price when things go wrong, the emotional drain is astounding. No one can understand unless they have lived through it.
It's time to heal yourself now. Relish the happy memories as much as you can, there will be sad days, that is completely normal. Try to do things that you like to do that make you feel good. Hugs.
Hello Iraklis,
Thank you for sharing the journey that you and Husko traveled together. The care you gave him was absolutely the best possible for the situation you were in.
The thing is that we are not vets, and we rely on them to know and do the best possible for our furbabies. We all go the extra mile, trying to research and find the best options of care possible to give them a quality life while they are here.
You were fighting a battle with liver cancer, where the end going to come sooner rather than later for Husko. It is amazing how much and how long he hung in there to try and stay with you. The options are so limited when it comes to cancer treatment in pets. If an option, surgery is just about the only option along with chemo/radiation for any kind of recovery. Medicines can help to shrink tumors, they can help to alleviate symptoms and hopefully they can help to give them a good quality of life for as long as possible. This is the option that most try, as surgery is often, very often, not an option for sometimes financial reasons, usually because it will not help and it is does more harm to put them through it than to just try to make them comfortable.
What you have to realize is that you were giving palliative care. Husko was not going to survive forever with the cancer. You did an excellent job of that. The frustration that fills your life though, of not being able to fix them, not being able to give them the lifespan that one hopes for them, can be overwhelming. I think that you were overwhelmed. Yet you did go on. You continued to try. I do not think that you can beat yourself up continuously for not being able to do something that no other human would be able to do either.
What is very sad, is that you are not able to give Lemmy the comfort and the loving touches that he too needs. Remember, Husko was Lemmy's best friend, his buddy too, and that animals grief just as we do. That Lemmy is turning to you now to be his comfort and somehow you have to find it within yourself to comfort and love him too and show it.
Your journey is not over. Husko's is, whether it is to a better place or just a relief from pain, for him this is over and you have to go on, just as Lemmy has to go on.
Think about that and try to find that place inside you that let you take in Husko and Lemmy and give them homes and love and care. That is the person you are. This illness that Husko had does not define you as a person.
Sharlene and molly muffin
Husko didn't have liver cancer...that was a completely wrong diagnosis...and the treatment for it proposed by the vets (cortisol) only worsened Huskos' condition...
Lemmy got over his 'sadness' in seconds...
I tried my best...but my best drove me to sometimes be intolerable towards Husko...and that is pathetic of me...
P.S.I know this story is a very long and hard read...i am sorry...
Iraklis,
we are only human. We are not perfect. We all feel frustrated by this disease even when the vets get the diagnosis right because every dog reacts differently and each case is different. It takes time to get it right and that is so frustrating.
You did what you could and you faltered along the way, that happens. You loved Husko and I'm sure that he knew. The vets failed both of you.
If you need to find someone professional to talk all of this out with. You can't let the guilt or sadness control your life and you have been through so very much.
Many people wouldn't have taken the time to do what you did for Husko. They would have given him up, or put him down without trying.
Now Lemmy needs you because he misses Husko too. Spend time with him and heal together.
I have talked to a professional ,but that only made things be in a certain order in my head...it didn't actually help...
I cannot compare myself to people who wouldn't bother just to feel better......I have done better than that...but I should have done even more...I know i could have!
It is not only sadness of my baby Husko dying...
It is not only anger at the vets or the mistakes I made...
It is more so about the guilt of sometimes hurting (not so much physically but psychologically) with my actions my baby Husko in his time of need ,driving him into feeling unwanted and letting go of his life to stop it all...
Lemmy is doing just fine...he grieved for no more than 5 seconds than went on with his life...
I haven't neglected him at all...right after work we went for a 2hour walk leading to Huskos' place...
That is good that Lemmy is doing well and that you are spending time together.
You don't know that Husko let go because he was psychologically damaged by your actions. It doesn't seem to, from what you have described, more a matter of his body not be able to do any more and giving out.
I think the most psychological damage has been to yourself.
Dogs are the most forgiving of animals to their humans. Most of us have seen how an animal can be beaten and treated horribly, and yet they will still come back to that same human who hurt them and beg for their love, and give them their love in return.
It is us humans who cannot forgive ourselves. That is what you have to find within yourself, the same amount of forgiveness that I am sure Husko felt towards you. You have to do that to honor him, his spirit.
Sharlene and molly muffin
I couldn't have said it better myself Sharlene.
Iraklis,
before Daisy was diagnosed with Cushings and we began treatment, she would steal food from everyone and anything! It drove me crazy as I thought that it was bad, stubborn, dachshund behavior. I yelled at her and smacked her several times. I know that I shouldn't have and now that I've learned that the disease caused this and not her acting out, I have become more proactive and make sure that everything is put away properly and that we eat out of her reach.
Thankfully, those symptoms have subsided and I don't have to worry so much about this. I will always feel badly for how I behaved but I understand that frustration and pain can make us do these things.
Daisy still loves me and you know that Husko adored you. They are incredibly forgiving creatures. He would not want you to feel this pain. I know this because Daisy can sense when something is wrong with any of us and she sticks to us like glue. Lemmy can sense your pain too I'm sure.
Please work through this and forgive yourself. We humans are far from perfect.
Dogs seem to know that.
Focus on the good that you did for Husko and how very hard you tried to help him. Those are the things that he loved about you.
As you said ,you did it before you knew Daisy had a condition...
I did what I did while my babys' health was compromised...and he needed me most...
Yes I can say I did much more than most people would even do for their human kids...but my behavior towards the end ,somehow invalidates in my mind everything good i did before and during...
And while there were many reasons or excuses ,ex. insomnia ,exhaustion & frustration ,I should have simply turned around and punch walls or something...not slap or grab my baby Husko by the throat...
Towards the end i feel my mind went from ''I want my baby to get better'' to ''I want all this to end...''...and that is giving up...and he felt that...
Yes, dogs are the most forgiving of creatures...but they are also the most tuned to our feelings...they know how we feel before we ourselves even realize...
btw,Thank you for listening!!!
Most people go ''...forget it...it was just a dog...grab a beer...blah blah...''
P.S. Husko left us 14th March. Can he be added to the company of all the other doggies who left us in that special thread?
Husko's name has been added.Quote:
Originally Posted by Iraklis
Hugs, Lori
Post your favorite picture too so we have that to add (thanks Lori).
Watching your furry family member become ill and doing everything you can with nothing working for months is so very stressful.
Insomnia and exhaustion make things MUCH worse! Please realize that you were not yourself. We can only take so much! I'm not making excuses, I just want you to understand that even with the best intentions, we can only handle so much before we snap.
Blaming yourself can literally make you sick. Please don't do that to yourself. In a sense, the stress of helplessness of it all made you sick.
Husko would want you to forgive yourself and you must in order to heal and be who you need to be for yourself and Lemmy and so that you can begin to enjoy the good memories with Husko.
If you would want Husko's picture added, please do let me know and I can do that too.
Iraklis:
I am so sorry you continue to struggle over Husko. I know that I have a tendency
to blame myself for everything. I understand that you had a weak moment, and did something you regret, sometimes when Tipper frustrates me I yell, and feel terrible afterwards. We are by no means perfect, and good at beating ourselves up. I hope in time you can forgive yourself this one human mistake. You have done a lot more than others, by owning up to it. We are human and suseptable to flaws and mistakes. I hope you can get through this most trying time, and know we are always here and care about you.
Patti
Firstly, I want to thank you all so much for wanting to help!
I just wish I could hold myself together like you guys do...
Slapping was 5-10 times during these 8 months...Quote:
Originally Posted by goldengirl88
Grabbing the throat was 2 times...
Yes...I understand what you are saying...Seconds after I did it , each time I was angry at myself and said ''how could I do such a thing???''
I could maybe forgive myself for doing it once...but how can I forgive myself for doing it multiple times ,and even worse since every time
I knew it was absolutely wrong!!!
...And Husko never once showed aggression like so many dogs in his condition...which makes me feel even more guilty...
My inner-thoughts were ''I will help you Husko and do everything possible'' 99% of the time..........but sometimes it simply became ''I just want all this to end...''
Husko realized that...gave up fighting and ended it all so I wouldn't suffer...
I am not a religious person nor do i believe in any god...but i think this was the most godlike and selfless act i have ever experienced in my life...
Thank you very much!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Harley PoMMom
Can it be the link to his album?
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?u=4024
Iraklis,
Husko sensed your frustration and clearly understood that you felt bad when you lost it.
I don't think that he gave up. God stopped his suffering and yours too. Every dog is different, each responds to treatment differently.
You're thinking that you want it all to end is selfless. You're heart was breaking for Husko. That's to be expected.
My own conclusion from day 1 since he went away, regarding his physical but not mental condition ,was that I should have given him a lower dose of Vetoryl since restarting it (in order for the artemix to work, it needs an attacking tumor)...
I already knew Vetoryl caused the tumor to attack in the first place...and the attack caused by the 30mg dose was probably more than what the Artemix could handle......but seeing the small wound in his front leg (left by the opening of the vet so the pus would come out) finally almost closing carried me away...
I should have given a 10-15mg dose instead of the 30mg...
***********
''i want it all to end...'' is actually the most selfish thing i could have in my mind...
Husko too had this localised tremors in his final 1-2 weeks...anyone know what these mean?Quote:
Originally Posted by pansywags
I don't know what exactly causes the tremors but they seem to happen more frequently (or maybe even exclusively?) to dogs with macroadenomas. The last vet I asked at Davis didn't have an answer for me.
I do know that my Tipper does not have a macro and she has terrible tremors that have started affecting her whole body now. I wish I could find a solution as they are too hard to watch. Could you tell me what is Artemis? What is it for and what does it do? Hope you have a better day today.
Patri
Iraklis,
I have cried many tears while reading about your and Husko's journey. Unbelievable are the lengths you went to to care for this dog who had no home for years of his life until he found you. You gave up so much of your life for him and his disease. You went above and beyond for you baby what most people wouldn't dream of doing.
I lost my Tia August 11, 2013. She was 14 1/2 years old and had Cushing disease. I also lost Miss Tippi, 16 years old to congestive heart failure on December 30, 2013. I was their Mama and I should have been able to make them better, but I couldn't no matter how much money I spend or how much vet care they got. I couldn't make them better. I cry everyday and I blame myself for not being able to save them.
I feel guilty because I too spanked Tia when she peed in the floor when she first got sick. I didn't know she was sick, I thought she was just to lazy to get up and go outside. But I spanked her and for this I will never forgive myself.
I've yelled at Miss Tippi for "not listening", when in fact she couldn't hear. I will forever feel guilty for this.
As I read your story and read the struggles, you went through to save your baby, the hard times, no job, no money, no car. I look at my life and the lives of most people I know and wonder, would I or they have done what you did to save our babies. Would I have given up so much, that I didn't have to begin with, for my babies.
You are amazing and should not feel guilty for any thing you did. You loved Husko and gave every thing you had to save him. Like my Tia, Husko left on his own terms, when they knew the time was right so we didn't have to make that decision for them. That was love for us.
Please take care of yourself and I'm sending love and healing thoughts to you.
Donna
^
Thank you so much for your so kind words...
but,
Please forgive yourself...you simply did not know there was something wrong with their health!!!
I did though...he was actually dying...and that is simply unforgivable...
ArtemisininQuote:
Originally Posted by goldengirl88
Can't say it is a better day...the more i realize i could have given him maybe some days to live with some cortisol (i think it dropped too low looking back now...) in order to gain time for the medication i was given to give to Husko (they arrived 4 days after he went away...)...the more i get angry at myself...it was a stupid mistake of me!!!
Here:
http://www.dogsnaturallymagazine.com...canine-cancer/
http://www.akitarescue.com/Cancer%20Prevention.htm
http://www.hindawi.com/journals/bmri/2012/247597/
Iraklis:
I have started reading the material on the links you have provided. I thank you for the help. It will take me a while to read and digest all this information. We do have one member giving her dog a mixture of Chinese herbs to try and shrink his tumor. I will tell her to look at these links. I hope you are able to have a nice walk with Lemmy. How is your weather?
Patti
Actually just came back from an almost 2hour walk with Lemmy...of course we went to Huskos' place too...
Weather is fine! 15C right now at 21:41. How about over there?
If she is interested i can e-mail her some files too that i have on the artemisinin.
I think it worked on Husko...it just didn't have enough time.
I tries 2 capsules yesterday too,just to see if it caused anything ''bad'' to Husko (side effects ,if any, are extremely rare) and only thing i noticed was ''clarity of mind'' for lack of better words.
Since my original thread on my Hero Husko is too long and probably too confusing to follow...
And i am still trying to figure out if there is anything I missed...
And won't give up the search until all possibilities are excluded/included.......
I will now try to nit-pick on anything i was reassured by the vets or wrongly thought i new all there was to know...
(Forgive me...but i need to know...hope you understand and help if possible!)
...Let's start:
1.
When Husko got his LDDS (4th September) he was only off cortisol for 2-4 days...(weening off it slowly since August 24th)
and was on cortisol for almost 3 months non-stop prior to that...
Could this situation have messed up the results?
Results:
LDDS
1.14,20 μg/dL
2.16,40 μg/dL
3.13,40 μg/dL
2.
On the 17th September (10 days after starting Vetoryl ,1*30mg)
His ACTH was
1. 9,84 μg/dL
2. 26,50 μg/dL
Could this and/or his LDDS be false positives?
I know what Dechra says ,but i want opinions based on experience.
3.
After the initial first month of 1*30mg Vetoryl once a day (moning)
His dose was upped to 2*30mg Vetoryl twice a day (morning/night)
No ACTH testing was done at the first month interval ,as i again stupidly listened to the vets that it was not needed since he was responding well...
However...almost a month later ,symptoms that drove me to have Husko have an MRI emerged (circling,pacing) which showed an enlarged pituitary tumor...
Could this be a chemical nelsons' syndrome caused by the double dose?
( I think i already know the answer to this...)
4.
After he had the MRI i stopped giving Husko Vetoryl and his cortisol level after 4 days off Vetoryl was
7,63 μg/dL
Was he ''borderline'' cushings from the start?
His only symptoms since spring (that drove me to the initial vet visit in June) were slight hind leg weakness and nothing else suggesting cushings
MODERATOR NOTE: I have merged your post about Huskos' test results into his original thread. We normally like to keep all posts about each pup in a single thread as it makes it easier for members to refer back to the pup's history when needed. Thanks!
5.
Husko was maybe borderline Cushings ,even after the tumor enlarged.
So, after the MRI when I stopped Vetoryl completely ,he still loosed weight and the ''hole'' in his front left leg would not heal ,due to both (some) excess cortisol and the tumor/cancer cachexia....
BUT, no excessive drinking or peeing(3-4 times a night), hair-loss only on his back where his harness would touch it, no panting and just a tad pot-belly.
Muscle wasting and weight loss was probably more due to the tumor ,during this time.
During his final days his symptoms were:
1.Almost complete inability to stand on his feet ~ week (emerged about 8-9 days before he left us but continuously got worse...last 2 days would just collapse to the floor if I let him...)
2.Distorting towards the right side (his head trying to reach his pelvis)
3.When he slept his head sometimes faced upwards
4.Sleeping all day long ~ 4 last days
5.Moaning when rarely awake - 2 days
6.Would barely drink water - last day
Possibilities:
1.When I started Vetoryl again in February (1*30mg ,later 1*30mg one day 1*15mg next day etc.) his wound started healing (aka lower cortisol) but not completely,
but since Vetoryl is somewhat accumulative did it drop the cortisol to almost Addisonian levels or just too low to handle the tumor?
2.When I started Vetoryl again the tumor slowly enlarged further resulting in pressing on nerves controlling the heart or breathing?
(which is why i gave an extra Artemix capsule)
3.Artemix was working and the tumor was in ''tumor-lysis'' state
4.All or combination of the above...
''Sollution'' to 1&2&3&4 would be to give cortisol for few days(?)
If so...I am a complete f*****g IDIOT...how could i not see this??? :(:(:(
Am I missing something? :( :( :(
Iraklis,
you are not a vet. You did what you could with the knowledge that you could find. The thing that makes treating Cushings so very hard is that no two dogs respond the same to the disease or treatment. That is why it is necessary to test so many times.
The vets are in the same predicament and when one is not familiar with Cushings, it compounds the difficulty. Also, many dogs have other health issues at the same time which makes treatment that much more complicated.
The information that you have provided proves that you loved Husko so much that you did all of this amazing research! I've never heard of the things that you're telling us about.
It could very well be that Husko developed another health issue which was hiding behind the same symptoms as Cushings. So much of treatment is a guessing game. Our IMS vet is very careful with the meds and she feels that maintaining Daisy's quality of life is more important than what the numbers show.She uses those as a guide but if Daisy shows symptoms of Cortisol going too low or not feeling well on the meds, we go back to a bit lower dose.
Iraklis:
I know you blame yourself for not knowing all of the things you stated. I think that you did exceptionally well with the limited resources you have had. I get very frustrated trying to figure things out that are happening to my Tipper too. I do not have the education of a vet, but I try to make up for that with extensive research, and the will to help my dog even under the most extenuating of circumstances. I fall short on some things, unable to figure them out as I am no expert in anatomy and physiology. This scares me, as my vet is very little help, and really only in it for the money. I know how you feel second guessing your decisions now. When you are the one making all the decisions, the pitfall of that is there is no one else to put the blame on if something goes wrong. This leads to you beating yourself up regularly after re evaluating what should have been done. I know this well as I am one of those people who always accepts responsibility for anything I have my hand in. I am my worst enemy when I make
mistakes. The deep love for these dogs creates many heartaches for the caretaker, as everything comes back to them. I lknow people that never take their pets to the vet when they are ill and need help. They just say let nature take it's course. It is because we respect, and will do anything to help our babies, we accept blame for everything that goes wrong. I know you think you should have known better and done things differently, but I am positive Husko felt the deep love you had for him and knew you were doing your very best to help him. He has forgiven you, now you have to forgive you.
Patti