My sweet beagle Maia passed away last week

[Ninjasteve]

Hello everyone..newbie here..about 5 years ago i noticed her hunger and thirst and then panting becoming prominent. I started researching online and found possible cushing's. So I made an appointment with vet and they did a ldds test on her and that came back inconclusive. I suggested UCCR test and that did come back abnormal. Put her on lignans and melatonin..did great.. Last May she developed a weird cough followed by gagging..talked it over with vet..said maybe copd but because she was acting ok activity wise etc So the coughing actually got a little less this past spring time..forgot to mention since last year she did have these weird breathing things..like her exhales was longer and more forced and prominent..during the night she did do these puffs of air with exhaling and she would change positions frequently..she was getting around worse and worse limping bad etc..so we went with adequan and it did help for a bit but then I felt the results weren't as good as I wanted. Nonetheless we kept her on it up until her death. A few weeks ago we put her in gabapentin for about two weeks..was 100mg twice a day..seemed ok..didn't really get lethargic from it but did get ataxia which is hind end weakness and she already had that. So we weaned her off per vet and discussed trying amantadine with meloxicam. ..I gave her her first dose last Sunday the 30th..she seemed ok..and by later on was actually getting around better..slight improvement. Next day the 31st gave her a second dose...was ok during the day..we have a camera set up in our family room and she was on the stairs landing..her favorite place..barking and howling..poor girl I think she had anxiety with us gone..but again seemed ok..by the time my mother got home at 3:15 ..she picked her head up as she was laying in other room our dining room and looked at her and looked at her going in the kitchen etc. All still seemed ok other than she was sleepy and a little blah feeling. My mother started making her burger for the week and she never reacted to it or got up like she would have or nothing..so she went and checked on her and she was out like a light snoring etc.. weird..then all of a sudden she heard a whimper and she had gotten up and moved into family room and pooped and peed then collapsed.. apparently had some drool coming out..poop was like cow slop..no blood..no vomit at all..I rushed home as I knew something was not right..when I got in she was just not with it.. looked at me and you could tell was uncomfortable..I picked her up..meanwhile she seemed like her limbs were rigid like and stiff..so now I'm thinking oh no..allergic reaction to meds..but then I say how..she had 2 doses..wouldn't it have been after first dose? And her dosage was low..she got 50mg of amantadine and a quarter of a tab of meloxicam which was a 7.5 mg one... Called her vet..they said stop the amantadine and it could be a reaction..although they were perplexed..they were closing soon and we're further away.
So I called to her old vet who was open later etc but they couldn't get her in so we opted for ER clinic which was still about 50 minutes away..now keep in mind she seemed to be getting worse...now laying on side as I put her that way as she couldn't really keep herself upright..def labored breathing..not deep but more like shallow..and was basically going in a coma..she did recognize you were there if you went up to her and touched her face she flinched..but when I would rub her belly and or.neck area she would not react like she used to. So we took her to the clinic and they rushed her in saying she looked critical. On the way up she did lift her head several times and again she didn't seem to be struggling with breathing..wasn't panting..mouth not open gasping etc..we got the call that she was in respiratory distress and was in oxygen tent and they took imagining and her heart was larger than it should be..and based on age it wouldn't be wrong to say goodbye as they weren't confident she would come out of this or I could give 24 hours to see if the oxygen may stabilize her and they could run more tests and blood work etc..I said please do..and they were going to get an estimate how much it would be and call back. Well they called back very shortly and the ER doctor said she went into cardiac arrest and was gone. Just seemed to happen so quickly and I'm devastated. I did ask her about the meds maybe to blame and she said she didn't really think so and maybe slight chance of the amantadine triggering something but again doubtful. I got her xray and summary sent to my via email..it did say her heart walls looked really thick and not contracting well. Her regular vet said her heart didn't look that large to him and he has seen worse. And that it could have been a valve issue or her lungs.giving out which lead to cardiac arrest etc but it's speculation. Without an autopsy we don't know. But he too said he didn't think the meds played their part at all and he uses meloxicam all the time but didn't say much about the amantadine..which made me wonder .I did send her records to a chief of cardiology and he got back to me saying her heart was enlarged and it appears she may have been going through mitral valve disease but it's difficult based on one image..and with the ultrasound it suggests she may have had a PTE pulmonary thromboembolism as with cushing's they are prone to having clots etc and it appeared her right side of her heart wasn't pumping blood to the left side to lungs.he too said he doesn't think the meds did it..am I a wacko to keep wondering if maybe they did? I mean she had been sleeping a lot too and lethargic etc and would move around the house and collapse and lay there panting..so maybe it is more pulmonary like hypertension or heart related..the last couple months have been rough..with the limping..she didn't want to go outside much anymore so we had pee pads all over the one room so she could go on those.. and as all of you know..with cushing's they can become heat intolerant..and she def had that..she couldn't wait for bedtime and lay in front of the air conditioner..lol our summer here in upstate NY has been humid alot..so I was just hoping with the meds I was going to get her in a better place and with the cooler air coming we would walk more etc..ugh so torn over this. She did go on a walk two months ago and did great..would sit down from time to time but overall not that limpy and was good..but that was unfortunately her last one 😭☹️ although again I had high hopes of getting her back on track. She just kept losing muscle mass too..and the last couple months she was really losing her hair too in clumps but funny thing is she never had bald spots..maybe the melatonin helped with that. So I was curious what you guys thought and wondered if any of your dogs had an embolism or have or had pulmonary hypertension and also had the weird breathing like exhales that were prominent etc.. just trying to come to terms with this. I know I will never now a definitive answer as to what could have led up to her demise but maybe by talking to you guys I can learn about your experiences and what you are going or have gone through. God I miss her alot.. Thanks!

[Ninjasteve]

I posted a longer one and can't find it.. hope it went through..I was curious if anyone's doggy had pulmonary hypertension or even died from or had pulmonary thromboembolism?? Mine died and imaging showed enlarged heart ..she had been battling some breathing issues..more so with her exhales..forced and prominent. I keep thinking the meds I recently put her on for her arthritis may have did something although I was told differently by a couple vets including a chief of cardiology. She took two doses in two days of amantadine and meloxicam and by that evening she was gone. Respiratory distress and then cardiac arrest. Hoping to get more insight with it all. Thanks

[labblab]

Hello and welcome to our forum. However, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. I’ll come back at another time to write more, but wanted to quickly let you know that your membership has been fully approved now, and I’ve combined both of your posts in this one thread. The reason why you couldn’t see them earlier is because your membership was awaiting approval, and posts are not made visible to the public until that happens. But now you’re all set, and from this point onward, you can keep adding replies to this thread.

Once again, I’m so sorry about Maia. I know the loss itself is so hard, but probably made even doubly painful when questions remain as to what happened. We’ll do our best to support you, and to share our thoughts. I wish I could write more now, myself, but as I say, I’ll have to postpone that until another time. But until then, I’m very glad that you’ve found us.

Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

Hello and welcome to our forum. However, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. I’ll come back at another time to write more, but wanted to quickly let you know that your membership has been fully approved now, and I’ve combined both of your posts in this one thread. The reason why you couldn’t see them earlier is because your membership was awaiting approval, and posts are not made visible to the public until that happens. But now you’re all set, and from this point onward, you can keep adding replies to this thread.

Once again, I’m so sorry about Maia. I know the loss itself is so hard, but probably made even doubly painful when questions remain as to what happened. We’ll do our best to support you, and to share our thoughts. I wish I could write more now, myself, but as I say, I’ll have to postpone that until another time. But until then, I’m very glad that you’ve found us.

Marianne

Thanks so much for your reply... honestly when I first wrote this it was huge lol said it was too long to post..I said ughh and went through and deleted as much as I could as I pretty much have her whole life history from when we first adopted her. Lol but yes I miss her terribly and I am glad I found you guys as well. I'm very interested in learning about other experiences from others about their cush pups and if they ever had a terrible thing like this happen etc..ever had a pulmonary thromboembolism enlarged heart etc...was nice to hear back from that cardiologist from cornell university..he did put some things into perspective for me...I still can't get the meds out of my mind thinking maybe they did something to her ugh. I look forward to hearing from anyone that would like to chime in and I sure hope I can find peace from this soon. The wind is gone from my sails 😭

[Joan2517]

Hello and welcome from me, too. I'm so sorry for your loss. My Lena passed away in the Emergency Clinic four and a half years ago due to clots. She spent the first night in an oxygen tank, came home the next day, the same thing happened that night, back we went, and she went into distress after I had gone home. She had been having some funny breathing episodes for a week or so before, but the vet could find nothing wrong. She was doing a lot of sighing, which wasn't usual, but they kept telling me there was nothing wrong. Something was off, I knew it, but didn't know enough. I'm not sure if it would have changed the outcome anyway...I think of her every day and still miss her terribly.

I don't think the meds had anything to do with it. We Cushing's parents live with guilt...did we do the right thing; should we have done more; did we do too much; why didn't we see the signs...I still feel guilty about Lee. I wasn't with her when they put her to sleep...she was the dog of my heart, my third child, and I wasn't with her when she died.

I'm going through this Cushing's journey again with my big boy Gable. I watch him like a hawk for any signs of ANYTHING. He's younger than Lena was and is on a very low dose of Vetoryl. I dread the day I'm going to have to decide enough is enough...or he decides for me.

[Ninjasteve]

Hello and welcome from me, too. I'm so sorry for your loss. My Lena passed away in the Emergency Clinic four and a half years ago due to clots. She spent the first night in an oxygen tank, came home the next day, the same thing happened that night, back we went, and she went into distress after I had gone home. She had been having some funny breathing episodes for a week or so before, but the vet could find nothing wrong. She was doing a lot of sighing, which wasn't usual, but they kept telling me there was nothing wrong. Something was off, I knew it, but didn't know enough. I'm not sure if it would have changed the outcome anyway...I think of her every day and still miss her terribly.

I don't think the meds had anything to do with it. We Cushing's parents live with guilt...did we do the right thing; should we have done more; did we do too much; why didn't we see the signs...I still feel guilty about Lee. I wasn't with her when they put her to sleep...she was the dog of my heart, my third child, and I wasn't with her when she died.

I'm going through this Cushing's journey again with my big boy Gable. I watch him like a hawk for any signs of ANYTHING. He's younger than Lena was and is on a very low dose of Vetoryl. I dread the day I'm going to have to decide enough is enough...or he decides for me.


Thanks so much for your message and I am sorry too about yours that went through it. It's gut wrenching for sure because as you said we try and do what is best for them and try and help them with everything we know. I was the king of researching online and trying to get more educated with this disease. Even though she was never fully diagnosed we knew she had to have had it giving all the symptoms she had. The natural lignans and melatonin did help her alot I believe. I kick myself for not having her retested again last year and maybe putting her on actual meds. I also kick myself for not having any tests done to see if maybe her heart was having issues or enlarged..and also checking out her lungs and the breathing issue. So much guilt from that alone and then to keep thinking maybe the meds out her in that state just overwhelmes me. I know several people have said the same thing that most likely it was not the meds and just bad timing of everything. I look back and realize how many times she was breathing heavier and when I did bring her outside by the time we came in and I shut the door she would collapse and just sit there as if she was so tired and trying to catch her breath I believe. So weird that we have camera footage of her last week the day she passed and how she seemed normal overall.. sitting on the stairs landing and howling and barking..she looked fine..she would do that because she was lonely and most likely had separation anxiety..she pooped that morning and it looked fine...was really hungry and ate her topper fine and the treats I gave her..in fact she wanted more food lol..didn't eat her kibble I don't recall but that was normal for her alot of the days..or she would go back and eat it before my wife came home for lunch..she may have ate it by then..I can't remember. But my wife went home like normal and she was under her endstand and took her supplements (krill oil milk thistle and C) just fine..and then in time came out to kitchen to look for lunch..wife put kibble in her bowl and she was like ummm really? No thanks lol and sat down next to it ..our other footage of her was when she came home around 3:15 you could see Maia laying on the floor in the left hand corner..and she did look up and was alert and watched her come in etc..by then she pooped on 3 pads..all looked ok except some diarrhea drops at the end..so I think that's when that started..maybe side effects of the drug? By the time 4:30 hit..she was going downhill quick..drooling spaced out..couldn't really get up..and just went into a coma like...so odd. And i mean who wouldn't think the meds may have caused it?? That was my first reaction and what I said when I called the ER etc..was possible reaction..they even put that down on her summary. She didn't even get up when my wife was making hamburger around 3:45 ish.. was out like a light and snoring etc..again she had been battling mobility issues for a bit too..but still moved around of course and if food was involved she def would get motivated lol but nope not that time. So sad..sad how quickly.she went..I mean within 3 hours of it starting she died. I also say if it was clots..wouldn't it have killed her quicker?? Maybe it depends on severity of it too. I think what really gets to me is when the ER Dr said the amantadine MAY have possibly pushed her into that but was still doubtful..so the red flags go up with that..anyone else ever used amantadine and or meloxicam with their cush pup? Thanks to all..so hard and I know in time will get better.

[Ninjasteve]

Was curious why the envelope on left is grey with green arrow? I noticed all the others are orange normal..anyhow..I was reading about Rusty the beagle..was interesting how my dog too had some crusty stuff on top of her.nose for a little while..actually it started last July towards the end of it..my wife noticed she had congestion in left nostril..went to vets and he prescribed her cephalexin and it kind of cleared up but came back so we did some more and it went away..not completely but slowly it did after we stopped the antibiotics..then what was weird was I think it was last fall or so she ended up having some had reverse sneezing fits one night and as I was rubbing her throat to help her through it I felt a lump by left jaw..got nervous took her to vet thinking oh no lymphoma..but none of her other nodes were enlarged..so we talked it over and did the wait and see approach..see if it gets larger etc...never did...in fact it was still there up until she passed away..but I do know she also had pyoderma on her left side too under lip..like she would drool and it would collect nasty stuff and then bacteria would grow and it would be crusty and then have green looking slime..sorry for being graphic..and she was a bear to go near it and try and clean it..would do my best though..so it would come and go..I wonder if she had a tooth issue in back? Vet looked at her teeth and she had moderate tartar..but given her age we weren't going to have them cleaned..but she did have bad breath for a little while too...I called her stink head lol I'm sure the stink breath was also from the pyoderma that came and went..also interesting how rocky had a perianal adenoma..she did too..that developed this past fall too..I noticed when she was pooping I saw a lump..looked and was like what is that? So then I thought oh no anal cancer..vet looked her over and felt her anal sac and said it wasn't attached to that and again wait and see approach but appeared to look and feel benign...so def interesting to read about some others and the similarities..was a tough day today for me..went through the emotions alot again and kept thinking I should have never given her the meloxicam or amantadine.. thinking maybe I pushed her into what happened..I was only trying to help like all us pet parents..then again I say how can two doses kill her though..she wasn't overdosed...then I get carried away on google and it says how those meds can cause or exacerbate heart failure etc...and I get all worried ugh. Sorry everyone it appears I'm rehashing..just the guilt I feel at the moment..and also thinking I should.have had her tested more to see how her heart and lungs were..it's amazing how fast this all happened..and even she deteriorated pretty quickly too it seemed as I'm looking back. It's utter sadness as I eat dinner and I was always used to her being next to me begging for food barking her little.head off..lol and I would cave and give her something. Sheer silence now..sad..I also wonder if maybe she had some sort of siezure too just the way she was acting that night..but the oddity of it all was the drooling that never led to any vomiting..and she didn't even pant..just kind of slipped into a weird coma and shallow breathing. Thanks for the support I do appreciate it

[labblab]

Was curious why the envelope on left is grey with green arrow? I noticed all the others are orange normal
I finally made it back again — so sorry for the delay! First off, you can see what those different envelope symbols mean if you look at the bottom left-hand side of the index page. You’ll see a box labeled “Icon Legend.” The envelope that you’re seeing associated with your thread means there are currently no posts that you haven’t read, and that you’ve replied on this thread yourself. I believe that after a thread has had a certain number of replies posted, it’s labeled as a “hot thread” and the envelope turns orange. So if we keep talking here, your envelope will likely turn orange, too ;-).

But turning back to Maia, I’m so grateful that Joan has shared her thoughts with you. I’ve now read back through Maia’s whole history, myself. We do know that Cushpups are vulnerable to blood clots, and some of what you’ve described certainly could be consistent with that. In the alternative, while it’s possible that the medications may have played some role, even something totally unrelated to her known illnesses could have been the culprit. I’ve now had two different friends who lost their dogs within a matter of hours due to previously unknown tumors in their spleens. They were both fine at breakfast, but by noon were in crisis due to ruptured spleens. So the truth may have been that it was just Maia’s time to go, too, and nothing that anybody could have done would have changed that. I do think that when we’ve been personally involved in making decisions that we fear may have been related to the death, the regret can feel like such an added heavy burden. But for instance, even if we assume the medication did somehow play a part, you had no way to predict that in advance. You were trying your best to help her because you loved her so much. No decision made out of love can really be wrong, even if the outcome doesn’t play out in the way that we had hoped and prayed.

I am writing these words to you after spending years beating myself up over the death of my own Cushpup. I won’t bother with all the details here, but I do fear that some of the decisions I made turned out not to be for the better. That has been a very, very hard pill to swallow. But I’ve finally come to accept that all we can do is make the decisions we think are best at the moment, based on what we know at the time. Especially if we’ve made the decisions thinking that it would ease our pups’ pain, I do believe we’ve done all that is within our power to do. But if things do not go well, I know the guilt and the grief can feel overwhelming. For a very long time.

Both of the beloved dogs that my husband and I have lost so far, we ended up making the decision to euthanize. We have one aged girl left, and I’ve found myself thinking, “Please let her go on her own when her time comes. Please spare me that decision again.” But upon reading your words, I realize that peace does not necessarily flow from either type of ending. It’s their absence afterwards that breaks our hearts, no matter how they leave us. I know I can’t make that part any better for you. But please know that we understand how much Maia’s life mattered. I’m afraid we have no answer for exactly what went wrong that day. But if it would please you to share some stories about your lives together during all the good days, we would love to hear about them. Also, if you will tell us the date of her passing, it will be our privilege to add Maia to our special memorial thread of honor:

https://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?9294-Remembering-All-Who-Have-Left-Us-(2020)

Do try to take good care of yourself, and continue to write to us at any time you wish.
Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

Thank you very much for the kind words...to say it eats me up thinking I may have caused it is an understatement for sure..and I am driving myself nuts looking for answers that tell me that may be..it's like I can't get it out of my head. ☹️�� I did come across something that said when using CBD oil it may interact with other meds and meloxicam and other NSAID are def on the list. It just said that their bodies can metabolize it differently and perhaps slower than normal..didn't say death was a def..again I know she had other health issues like the cough and enlarged heart that showed up on the image etc so like you said it may have just been her time to go and the only saving grace to it all is that she did go without me making that decision for her. Doesn't change how much I miss her and want her back of course but that does make it a tiny bit easier..as I would be second guessing myself left and right. My first beagle Abby had to be put down at 10..she had epilepsy and one night had cluster siezures and she ended up blind and wouldn't eat etc..took her home for a couple days and then had to let her go..was the toughest thing ever..and I prayed that Maia would go on her own..and she did but again I feel like I helped that happen..and of course we always wish we had more time with our furkids..sadly that isn't always so. I know her age was good..almost 15 is great just wish it was more..then again I wouldn't want to see her suffer anymore either if she would have. My wife says it played out as it was suppose to and it's in God's hands.weird thing..we have a few pet squirrels and we lost one last weekend.. weird fluke..came home and was breathing funny and didn't wanna eat etc..made it through the night.. seemed kind of ok around 5 am and by the time 9 am or so came he just flew out of his blankets and stopped breathing. So heart breaking..it's like really? We just lost Maia and not Sampson �� anyhow my emotions have certainly been a rollercoaster lately..I have been ok and then I think about it and get on the meds or myself causing it and I get all down again..I just need to try and think of nothing but happy thoughts and the good memories. I have to tell you..she could really be a jerk sometimes. Def stubborn lol she has bit my wife a few times..my mother a few times..even me..when I tried cleaning her lip..grrr lol mostly it was if we were trying to help her and she wanted us to leave her alone. Lol I will try and post a picture of her..was taken end of July. See if I can make it my default pic. It's my wallpaper on my phone right now. Do you know of other cush pups though that took meloxicam? Jc .it's hard trying to find really bad reviews on it..I see alot of good ones..hence the reason I said I would try it. Ugh kills me. Thanks again!! Will try and think of some stories to share too. Hoping others may chime in with their opinions and or experience with stuff like that.

[Ninjasteve]

Sorry..her death is date was 8/31/2020..

[Ninjasteve]

Forgot to mention her ultrasound did say no spleenic masses found. And what was odd is how Joan said with her Lena who had the clots..she had bluish gums.. Maia didn't..they were still pink when we left the house anyhow. No fluid around the heart..and none around her lungs..just fluid in her lungs and then cardiac arrest of course. Can't find out how to add pic. Will need to try again later.

[labblab]

Gosh, I’m so sorry about your little squirrel! That is so sad to have two losses so close together. Life can just be so hard sometimes.

Yes, we’ve had a number of Cushpups who have taken meloxicam without any problems, and in fact, it’s one of the newer NSAIDS that we recommend here since it’s supposed to have a safer profile in terms of unwanted side effects. So if you had asked us about it here, we would have supported your going ahead and trying it. I hope knowing that may give you at least a little peace of mind.

And that’ll be great if you do add a picture. Once you do, we can also add that (or any picture of your choice) as a link to the line we can create for Maia on our memorial thread.

[labblab]

Also, take a look at this FAQs page for tips about adding pictures. Hopefully it will help.

https://www.k9cushings.com/forum/faq.php?faq=vb3_board_faq#faq_vb3_user_profile

[Ninjasteve]

Well that is good to know for sure..and unfortunately you just never know with stuff..what works great for others doesn't always work great for you. Any others on cbd too? She was on that for quite some time..I bet at least a year..the other thing I get concerned about is I read she should have had a washout between her aspirin regiment and the meloxicam for a minimum of 5 to 7 or 10 days..then I say well let's say she had an ulcer..and it perforated.. I can't see it killing her that fast. Like I said..no vomiting or anything..I mean she had the drool but..also I clicked on that link and then clicked on profile pic and it said I don't have permission for anything �� lol maybe because I'm using my mobile phone?

[Ninjasteve]

Hey there..so I tried again to upload a pic when I clicked on the link you sent and it's telling me I don't have privileges to do it? ☹️ Just an fyi.. I'm a little better this morning I guess...we went to watch my nephew play baseball last night and when Maia was around we would come home and she would bark her head off because she missed us..and that's gone and eerily quiet now..that will really take time to get use to 😭 the landing of our stairs is matted down from her laying on them alot..brings me a smile yet sadness. As much as I'm glad she isn't suffering with the health issues she had..I am being selfish to say I would do anything to have her back even with those issues again and how she was. Ugh I forgot to ask..maybe it's happened with alot of the other cush pups..but did their eye sight and or hearing seem to have gone really.bad.and pretty quickly? Hers did...got to the point where I would have a treat in my hand and would toss it would hit the floor and she wouldn't even know it was on the floor..I had to really show her etc.
So sad..I don't think she was blind though. Thanks again for being there. Still struggling..but getting a tad bit easier. I read what you wrote to my wife last night and couldn't even hardly finish it..was bawling my eyes out. She said she doesn't know how I can do this..says it great and all for the support but that she would be reliving everything again..but everyone is different too.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Steve,

First I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Maia. They are our children and there is no pain like the loss of a child. We do understand what you are going thru and I want you to know it is normal.

My Squirt, my Sweet Bebe, my Beloved heart-n-soul had to leave this life in May of 2014 and I still cry often missing her. She literally saved my life when my adult daughter passed and I wasn't sure I could survive with both of my baby girls gone. For weeks on end I walked around my house screaming uncontrollably after Squirt passed. All the pain of losing my daughter came roaring up fresh all over again to join in the new agony of losing Squirt. It was interminable hell. But in time I learned to breath again without a scream escaping, I learned to move again without falling to my knees in anguish, I learned to live again second by second by second.

With Squirt I knew her time had come; she was a little over 16 years old and old age finally won. But the pain of that loss was still excruciating and I still second guessed myself; did I rush this decision? was there something, anything, more I could have done? was there something, anything, I shouldn't have done? what if.....? maybe.....? I find myself asking those questions sometimes still today, 6 years later.

When my little bauble, Trinket, died it was a situation similar to your Maia's. Trink had numerous health issues, including COPD, but she was a tough itty bitty thing and took everything in stride like a champ. But those last 10 days were awful. We went to see one of her vets or the other just about every day hoping they could figure out what was wrong, why was she so miserable. They never did. When the day came that I finally admitted to myself it was time to release her, it was too late. She died an agonizing death on the way to the vet's clinic. A necropsy, animal autopsy, showed that her death was caused by an inguinal hernia. A more painful death is hard to imagine and I carry more guilt over her than I do over all my other babies who have passed. Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process but the guilt I carry over my itty bitty bauble, Trinket, is enormous. I've tried blaming her vets who missed that hernia all that time but it doesn't work....*I* was the one who kept asking her to give a little more, to hang on a little longer and all because I had convinced myself that she didn't want to leave just yet. The truth was I didn't want her to leave just yet. In my selfish asking I caused her immeasurable agony and I don't know that I will ever be able to lay that guilt down even for a little bit.

I had heard it said that it is better to let them go a day early than a day late. I thought I understood what that meant but I didn't, not until Trinket. Now I understand deep in my Soul what that means and it is a lesson Trink taught me I will never, ever forget.

You had done all you could for Maia. Asking those questions will help you get thru these first terrible days but the answers may never come...and if they do you may wish they hadn't. I wish I was still wondering what caused Trinket's death and caused her to be so miserable those last 10 days or so, but I do know. Maia knows you did all you could and that everything you did for her was out of the depth of love you carry for her. That is hard to accept...I know but in my Soul I know Trink feels the same way. We just have to find a way to believe that even if it is fleeting and infrequently achieved.

I can tell you are a great parent or you wouldn't be here talking to us, you wouldn't have gone to the lengths you did for your sweet baby girl. So don't forget that in your grief. There is only one rule to grieving - do no harm. There are no time limits, no other dos or don'ts, no right way or wrong way. Our grief is a way of honoring the love we shared with our babies. So many are incapable of knowing that kind of love so you and I and others here are blessed because we do know, we have had that kind of love and are capable of having it again in spite of the pain we will carry for the rest of our lives. We are a special people, don't forget that.

I'm glad you found us and feel comfortable sharing your pain with us. Know we are here anytime you need to talk, scream, vent, cry, whatever. You are among your tribe here.

My deepest sympathies to you and your wife,
Leslie

[Ninjasteve]

Well that means alot to me.. truly appreciate it and my condolences to you and Trink as well!! It is sad and you feel defeated when the end result happens despite all you have done..and it's human nature for sure when you bash yourself wondering what else you could or should have done ☹️�� I kick myself for not taking her earlier to the Dr to investigate her weird breathing and tiring out sooner and her mobility issues sooner..but again I chalked it up as the cushing's and probably COPD or calcification of herungs and she hadn't gone on a walk in maybe two months or so..and so I figured with the muscle wasting and her disease and the bad arthritis that's why she was getting worse..and maybe that was so..but it's also been hot and humid here and she loved being in the air conditioner house too..so here I was.. expectations high..summer coming to an end..gonna get cooler.. finally going with an NSAID..she will get better now and I can start walking her etc..and nope gone..just heart breaking..I know she knew we loved her and did all we could based on what we knew..and I know she was an older pup...almost 15 is a great age of course..we always want more time though. Ugh.. I keep saying she isn't coughing anymore..no more pain etc.. but I'm just being selfish because I want her back badly. Our bed is empty..no more hearing her snoring or breathing funny at times or moving around in different positions. Pure emptiness...we do have two cats and guinea pigs and a couple pet squirrels but still not the same at all..I was more bonded to her than my wife actually...not that she didn't love her or anything..just how it was..my pup went through quite a bit..blew both her ACL back in 2015..cost 2500 for one knee..we did the worst one and said we can't do the other..so we did crate rest and time and she healed up pretty good overall..and then the cushing symptoms came..so in all honesty we got like almost 5 years out of her with no actual medicine to treat it..just the lignans and melatonin..her symptoms did get a little worse these last months probably but wasn't super bad. Was going to have retested but he didn't have a test kit at the time and we talked about I think trilostane but then there are more testing etc..I said I would think about it and get back to him..but again her symptoms weren't aweful..she did get more restless at night but then I think the melatonin kicked in because she would zonk out lol I'm.not kidding with ya either..on the weekends we would go to bed between 10 and 11 and they would sleep right through to 930 or 10..no accidents in bed or anything..weird lol never got us up etc..I think she was just increasingly more and more tired too for a while.. copd or pulmonary hypertension and or heart disease with cushing's I can only assume best the hell out of ya...funny thing she never lost alot of her hair either..towards the end she was losing it more..like it looked shingly and I could pull out clumps..her coat looked dull too...but overall she still had plenty. Her skin was thinner too. Another weird thing is in the mornings she was pretty good..not panting really and the symptoms weren't bad at all except for the heavier drinking in the end now..but as the day progressed she got worse and worse.
By evening she was pretty crappy.with the panting and hunger etc..not sure anyone else experienced that? Maybe she had atypical kind because as I said the lignans melatonin combo did do well for her overall..thanks.agin for being there for me..glad I found yas

[Ninjasteve]

So I have been struggling a little today.. went a to a nearby zoo today.. trying to get my mind off things..and of course been thinking about my Maia girl alot..I made a mistake digging more tonight about the medicine and unfortunately came across a sheltie forum...it's really the only thing I have been able to find..I know I should not keep digging looking to blame the meds.. anyhow read where this person's sheltie had dental surgery.. apparently had an enlarged heart for a while..the vet gave it metacam after the surgery.. was doing ok though..on the 4th day was.having some issues chewing and pain..so gave it half a dose... was doing good still...she talked to her vet/friend..and decided to give the other half of the dose..the second half was given two.hours after the first..and a little later it passed out..and passed away
..so now I'm really concerned this pushed her into what happened..I know that even if it was proven that it's not my fault.. I didn't realize she had heart problem..as I said earlier we figured she had COPD and really the only concern I had all along was her liver..and hoping the NSAID wouldn't hurt it etc..
Ugh this sucks. But again it was only one case I read about it..but it does say that animals with heart disease or liver or kidney disease should not get it or should be given with caution. So I guess what I'm asking to everyone and anyone out there is..anyone have or had.their dog on Meloxicam with an enlarged heart or heart disease? And of course as I said before she was older with health issues too so who knows how much longer she had as well.. because apparently it looked as if she had heart disease that went undiagnosed anyhow. Thanks again everyone for the support... i do appreciate it. It's been a struggle but I am getting better in alot of areas. Hope your all having a great weekend!

[Joan2517]

I went through this too...trying to find someone or something to blame, including myself. I think it is a stage of grief. Marianne was the one who talked me down. I still feel like I should have known more and done more, but Lena is gone and I can't get her back no matter what the reason was. What I did learn was not to rely completely on my vet; that I should do my own research; trust my gut; and not rush into something without checking all the facts.

If I did not have this forum and the wonderful friends I have here, I am sure that my Gable would not still be alive today. I check everything with them first. They may not be vets, but they have done a lot more research and are much more knowledgeable than many vets. And I know more than I did when Lena was diagnosed.

Grief has a way of making us question everything...it will never go away, but it will get better.

[Ninjasteve]

Thanks I def appreciate it..that post was from 10years and it's the only thing I have found. I know I need to stop looking to try and blame it because in the end she is gone and nothing will change it. �� Her vet has been great with her and would do whatever we wished. He never mentioned the meloxicam..I did because she was just in bad.shape with the mobility that I figured she should get an.nsaid at this point..I said it's not fair to see her struggling to get around..If I had to bet..she had bone on bone in her knees..she.blew out her ACL's about 5 years ago and I'm sure she had nothing left because.when I watched.her walk you could see them move against each other and she would basically limp at every step and her front left limb she would hold out as she struggled to walk..so I said enough she needs real help ☹️ and again with the heart disease she apparently had who knows if this was the beginning of the end too.. but like you said we beat ourselves up for choices we made or didn't make. And maybe there are answers I really don't want ugh. Miss her so much..2 weeks ago she was still.with us and had her first dose and was.fine..who would've thought she would.be gone in just over 24 hours. Thanks for the reply
..really hoping someone can let me know if.they had theirs on an NSAID with a heart issue? You know if anyone has? Just odd it was 2 doses though.

[Ninjasteve]

I will say I'm a little bothered the vet hasn't sent a sympathy card. Very odd. Ah well.

[labblab]

You never know, you may still get something from the vet. I hope so, because I know that would make you feel a little better. What with COVID, though, lots of things that worked smoothly in the past are now messed up, especially in terms of lines of communication. Office staffers may be absent, and only the most urgent matters may be attended to right now. But I still hope you hear from him.

As far as NSAIDs and heart problems, I can’t speak from personal experience with dogs. But my very elderly mother suffered from bad osteoarthritis as well as known cardiac issues. She had suffered a major heart attack, and had additional known blockages. For a while, her cardiologist held off on prescribing any NSAIDs because of the anticipated risk in heart patients. But my mom was increasingly uncomfortable to the point where she was even having trouble sleeping, let alone walking. She had been a nurse, so could knowledgeably talk over the risks with him. But she told him she was really losing all quality of life and was willing to take the gamble. So he ended up prescribing the NSAID that he felt was the lowest risk for her, and it is of the same type of Cox-2 inhibitor as is meloxicam. It did help ease her pain to some extent, and although she did end up passing away from her heart issues, it was at least a year after starting the medication. I think that, pain-wise, that year would have become unbearable for her without the medication. So even if it played some part, she was at peace with the outcome.

Of course, the gift for us was that my mom could weigh the risk and make the decision for herself. The hard part for you is that you made the decision on Maia’s behalf. You couldn’t ask her what she wanted. But from your description of her pain, I have to believe that she would have made the same choice for herself. Just like my mom did. So even if it did hasten Maia’s death, I’m betting it was a gamble she would have been willing to take.


Grief has a way of making us question everything...it will never go away, but it will get better.

I think Joan is so right in what she wrote above. She’s being very kind in crediting me as being helpful, and I so hope that’s true. But if so, I was just paying it forward from all the help that I received here back when my own Cushpup died. As I wrote earlier, I do fear that some of my decisions for him actually ended up making things worse. I had no way of knowing that in advance, but I’ll always carry regrets, regardless. Early on, when I was feeling the worst about everything, I tried to free my mind of the guilt for at least a while each day. I’d silently repeat these three things over and over to drive the guilt away. “We loved him dearly. He had a wonderful life. We freed him from suffering.” Even with my mistakes, I did find comfort in thinking those three things were more important, especially over the passage of time. Without any doubt in my mind, you gave Maia those three gifts, as well, and she is now at peace. But I know you’ll be missing her, always. The early days without them alongside us are just so especially hard.

Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

Thanks so much for the kinds words..truly appreciate it..I have been going back and forth with a vet online and they too really don't think her meds were related at all.to what happened..they said def some kind of rapid decompensation of cardiac event and or an embolism like PTE most likely caused it for sure..I did read back over her clinical summary and it did say her mucus membranes were moist AND cyanotic..and I looked up the definition and it means bluish and or grayish from lack of oxygen..I know before we rushed her to the ER clinic they were still pinkish..so she obviously really went downhill. So all in all maybe I def am looking to blame the meds but that is def wasn't them. Like I said I only found that one instance from ten years ago with that sheltie but that was it. Sometimes things are a mystery and out of our control and I'm a the type of guy that needs answers as to why they happened or are happening and the biggest struggle I have with this is I didn't want to give her an NSAID because of the possible effects they can have and I was so scared but then I realized I'm being selfish and scared if the what ifs instead of thinking about Maia's quality of life and how good it can help her. And we never know how things will react until we try it anyhow. She did live a great life for sure and there are lots of.dogs that don't get those years. A.buddy of mine had to put his german shepherd down this past June..was only 6.5 years old..had hermangiosarcoma.. aweful..poor thing didn't even live.half of Maia's life. So I need to try and put things in perspective as well. Again I'm truly grateful for finding you guys. I can always use the support and helping me get through these tough times. So depressing when this quietness keeps lingering like it does. Just so used to hearing her pant..her bark sometimes her nails clicking on the floor .. begging for our food lol you guys get it. Thanks again..I will have to report back when that vet reads over her clinical summary and looks at her xray and let you know their thoughts.

[labblab]

We’ll definitely be interested to hear what the vet has to say, so do let us know when you find out.

Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

Good morning..so I heard back from the vet online..we have actually been going back and forth. I'm a little concerned because they never made mention of the xray I shared..but I assume they saw the clinical summary as they did make mention of her heart walls being thick..in a nut shell..they still don't think the meds caused anything..and even with two doses just seems odd if it did..they also said that even if it may have contributed that I wouldn't have known because we didn't know she had a heart issue..and they still don't believe the meds would exacerbate her heart issue either..even though I have read otherwise that it can ..they said if anything with heart disease it may made the liver and or kidney side effects worse over some time. They basically said if they owned Maia they would have done the same thing with putting her on that to help ease her pain and focus on quality of life..sadly it never got to that part. ☹️�� For some reason I just don't have a warm fuzzy where I feel better to think ok yes def very very unlikely it caused anything. I don't know why I just do..I personally feel like it was jenga..yes she had cushing's and yes she apparently had heart disease to some degree..so she def was NOT well..but the meds was.the last jenga block for it all to topple over. I hate feeling this way..and I sit here again and say well what if I didn't give her those meds? She may still not be with us for that much longer with her health issues going on etc. But it all comes back to feeling guilty and the heavy burdens of the what ifs or could ifs etc. Thanks for the support as said before. Just need to get through this.and get myself in a better place. Nothing can be done at this point anyhow. Just sad ��

[labblab]

I understand. Thanks for letting us know what the vet said, though. His opinion is one more piece to fit into the puzzle and maybe, over time, the overall picture may end up feeling more complete.

In the meantime, I’m wondering if you’d like to share any stories about Maia’s earlier years? It sounds as though you two shared so many rich and loving days together. If it would make you feel worse to do that right now, of course do not! But if there are any stories that would be a comfort to remember and tell us about, we’d surely love to hear them.

Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

I will try and write some things about her..she was a good.dog but had her moments for sure. She hated getting her nails cut..hated having her ear cleaned out (she had recurring infections) for a little while she was battling pyoderma under her left jaw line..which is gross bacteria that would collect and get crusty. Of course I couldn't try and clean it for her..she was definitely difficult sometime to say the least. Lol bit me..my wife and my mother. Not terrible bites but good nips..I think she had a tougher life early on too though. Def good memories for sure..car rides which she liked yet would get antsy and wanted out..I think it was the anticipation of heading to her walks lol..we would bring her outside with us when we were doing yard work and she would.hang out and roll in the grass. Her favorite was.the snow..she would eat and lick it and do doggy angels in it lol end up sliding down the hill from doing them. Lol I would make a.snowball.and lightly heave it to.her..she would try.and catch it in her mouth lol. I just miss her so much..the.smell of.her..although sometimes smelly with her breath and she peed on herself a few times lately but I think it was because she was having such a hard time getting around ☹️ but just the routine like I said with me picking her up and bringing her to bed and then picking her up bringing her downstairs and making her breakfast etc..so empty and lonely now. Crushes me big time. Sorry I'm so down..I know as I said in time it will get better..just wish I could snap my fingers and have it all go away...most importantly I wish I didn't feel as if the meds may have contributed to it.. that's what I'm really struggling with. I know I sound like a broken record..my apologies. Do you know of anyone on here at all who may have used meloxicam with theirs who.had a heart issue? Jc. Thanks again for hearing my emotions and supporting me. Means alot ��

[Ninjasteve]

So I know I sound like a broken record with wanting to blame the meds but I did read something earlier.. apparently.some guy who.had a 9year old golden retriever..was sick..went to the vets.. said something about his liver and kidney..was doing better..said he could be discharged.. apparently found arthritis in her spine.. prescribed metacam..and ended up dying pretty quickly..had two doses I guess..they blamed the vet for not letting them know the possible side effects and apparently the dog was not in any shape health wise to have been given that drug... necropsy showed it died from severe congestion and fluid in lungs. Again not saying for sure I really really believe it was the meds but I still think it could have been possible it pushed her in that direction and especially as her health wasn't the greatest with the heart issue that we didn't know about. I'm def blaming our vet at all..just sad if that was the actual case. I will never know of course what it was that happened. We know this..but I wanted to share that story..if you Google metacam and Anita I think was her name and golden retriever.

[Ninjasteve]

So I messaged the vet online and asked them about the xray I sent and if they got it and thoughts..they did and said it looked slightly bigger...so now I sit.here.and say.. great slightly bigger may mean yes she had some heart disease but was it enough to really have taken her like that? Or perhaps the meds def pushed her into that...and she was too far gone by the time we got her help..��☹️ just pure.agony..wish I could think differently about that instead of have that deep feeling that is was the meds. Sorry I'm babbling again about it.

[labblab]

No need to apologize at all -- we're here to help you sort your way through the questions, and that may take quite a while. In that vein, here's a question for you. If everything else that happened with Maia's collapse and death was left unchanged except for giving her the meds, do you think you'd be feeling differently right now? If so, how?

Marianne

[Ninjasteve]

And I appreciate it alot..Lord knows I need it to get through this difficult time..I assume you mean if I didn't give her those meds and she still collapsed and died right?? I would still have questions as to why but then it brings it back to without a necropsy there are no difinitive answers..and was also told that even necropsy can be inconclusive. Just seems really odd that the sheer coincidence how I give her new medication and in a day and half she dies.. I think anyone would def say ok ok has to be the meds..it's the only new thing I gave her..and again there isn't much out there that I can find about dogs dying from it that quick but there are those two instances. Just makes me wonder and question. The fact that my Dr and the online Dr both said yes her heart looks a little large makes me think hmmm ok but doesn't look that bad to warrant a death sentence..although I know things can happen too like strokes.. heart attacks etc where it can go quick. The other thing.that worries me a little.about it is she only had two days of a washout between the aspirin and meloxicam..this other Dr I was talking to said def not long enough and should have been 5 to 7 or even 10 days but I believe it would geared more towards an ulcer or something..and the last Dr I talked to said they couldn't imagine her getting one that fast and it rupturing..and again she did not vomit once..had drool.right before she was slipping away but no vomit..and def no bloody looking poop either..mushy yes but I assume was side effects kicking in. Just lost right now and I know I'm sesrct for answers that I most likely won't find ☹️😭 thanks again for being there though. I do wish some others would chime in..not that I'm sick of talking to you. Lol but there experiences or things that may have happened to them.

[labblab]

I totally understand about you hoping to hear from some other folks -- no offense taken at all! Unfortunately, things have gotten kind of slow around here recently. But if we're patient, hopefully some other people will be dropping by before long, as well.

(And don't worry, you'll not be losing me, either...:o)

[Ninjasteve]

Good morning..glad I won't be losing you ����..the struggle is constant and real for me... just wish I could turn it off..so I reached out to another Dr cardiologist yesterday at another university ( I know I'm nuts) and he got back to me pretty quickly..he says based on what he saw of her image that there didn't appear to be cardiac enlargement...but def a primary pulmonary issue..and her case sounds like it was complicated etc..so now I'm really wondering about the meds and it's disheartening for him to say her heart looked normal because now.its like ok then heart wasn't giving out as if.she had heart disease..again it's speculation and everyone has.their own opinion and I was told by the other cardiologist there was enlargement of it..but of course her vet and the one online say slightly bigger. Ugh..anyhow this one I reached out to never made mention that could have been a result of the meds so I guess.thats good. Thanks again for your continued support!

[Joan2517]

When the doctor told me Lena needed to see a cardiologist and the only one close was the Animal Medical Center in the city, I was in shock. Taking the LIE into the city is a nightmare and there is so much traffic, I knew she would probably die on the way. I went to bed trying to think of what I should do. I knew in my heart that I would need to put her out of her misery and had pretty much made up my mind that that was what I would do. How I wish I had been able to make that decision while I was there in the ER with her that night instead of thinking I would pick her up in the morning the way I had done the day before. It still kills me that she died without me; did she wonder where I was? did she think I abandoned her? should I have known that she would die?

I miss her every day. There are so many memories and so much guilt. Should I have treated her? Did I rush into it without knowing anything about the disease? Should I have trusted my my vet? Was 30mg too much for her? Why didn't I realize sooner that she had Cushing's?

All I know is that I loved her with all my heart, she had a wonderful life. We spoiled her terribly, she was my baby and I will never love another the way I loved her. I love them all, but it was different with her. It was like she sensed every mood and responded to it. She could always make me feel better and I hope I did the same for her. I remember sitting on the steps of the deck in the middle of the night in the freezing cold when she would have to go out. I would watch her make her way to the rose garden and jump up the one step into it, then jump back down and make her way to me so that I could pick her up because she couldn't do the deck steps anymore. And she knew I would be there for her; that I would take care of her; and do what I could. So I hope that in her final moments she knew that I would've been there if I had know she was going to leave me....

Everything you're going through, all the questions, the searching for answers just means that you loved her with all your heart; that she was a special dog and she knew it. Even if you find what you're looking for, it won't change the fact that she's gone and that you miss everything about her...that's what love is.



Everything I did for her, I did with the knowledge I had at the time.

[Ninjasteve]

Thank you so much Joan and it sucks when we struggle and try searching for answers and saying.what else could we have done etc..guess lesson learned is we know more now than we did before and if we come across anything like that again we will know to act on it quicker etc..In a way make more educated choices if you will. Yes no answers are going to change anything but I guess it's always that peace of mind thing. Just wish I had same answers across the board because now I feel as if they vary and really makes me second guess with the meds. But who's to say she would still.be here.now and maybe it just was her time..or.how much longer did she have because she was going downhill.
More so with mobility..and that's why I went the NSAID route..I had enough watching her struggle getting around..killed me..I just wanted her better and at.the snap of my fingers. Had some plans for her too with going on walks again etc..sadly that got squashed.☹️ I did reply back to that Dr.. hopefully he can clue me in more on it all. So odd how you present the same things like imaging summary etc to other doctors and they all have varying form of opinion. Yes I think she knew how much I loved her..well all loved her..just so empty in the house..strange thing is our cats have really been acting out since she passed..wonder if she tells them to? Lol thanks again for the reply and support. I always look forward to it!

[Ninjasteve]

Hey everyone..so I heard back again from this other cardiologist Dr..he said he has nothing he can say because it could.be a bunch of variables that happened and that based on this image alone..and it's of her left side..he does see any significant enlargement...then I sit here and say why did the one from cornell tell me he saw it looked enlarged..ugh...and of course my mind races again thinking the meds may have done it. Maybe I just torture myself searching for answers..ones that I won't find. Or least definite ones. Hope everyone is having a good day!! Oh and I read an article yesterday about a vet who gave her dog just one dose of rimadyl and it had a stroke.. that's crazy!!! But makes you wonder how risky alot of them can be.

[CeeCee722]

Hello. My name is CeeCee and I’m very new here. I just wanted to express my deepest sorrow for the loss of your Maia. I’m sure it’s taken all of your strength to manage through your grief. I’d like to wish for you that it get easier as time passes.

Be safe and healthy

[Ninjasteve]

Thanks so much for the kind words!! It's def a struggle..I have bad days and I have better days..never any good days..14 years with her and for the last few months or more was a routine..and now it's all gone..bed is empty..no more smells or sounds of her..and I continually bash myself of the what ifs..but in the end I know she is at peace now..no more dealing with this disease and hobbling around the house..no more with the breathing etc. I'm just selfish because I want her back badly. It just seems like it came to an end fairly fast. And the mystery of what exactly happened is what drives me nuts. Thanks again for the condolences. Much appreciated. I wish you the best with yours( assuming you have a cush pup of course) just cherish every moment with them because time does fly and sadly they don't live as long as us ☹️

[Ninjasteve]

Hey everyone.. haven't checked in in a long time. I'm getting better but still miss Maia terribly. It's funny because I had a dream about her last night. In the dream I knew was gone but yet I saw her ghost walking into living room to her favorite spot under the end stand and I said her name and she came running over to me and was so excited to see me and I told her how much I missed and loved her etc..so weird as it felt so real. I get grief stricken at the weirdest times and other times I'm ok and don't think about her as much. But it's that one time or thing that triggers it. Ugh 😩 hope all of you are well!!! I did hear back from another cardiologist I reached out to a while ago. She said looking at the image there was no pattern of heart failure. Her heart did look a little enlarged like others said but she had in her opinion non cardiogenic pulmonary edema. Which can be triggered by a lot of things. So of course could be the meds or still maybe a PTE. Unfortunately I will never know. And that's what I struggle with the most. Ahh again hope you're well!

[labblab]

Hi Steve! It’s really good to hear back from you again. For sure, grieving is an unpredictable journey. Some days it seems like you get to take two steps forward and only get stuck with one step back. Other days there can be a whole lot of back-stepping. Your dream sounds pretty amazing, though. I know it probably felt sad when you had to wake up, but so sweet that you got to tell Maia once again how much you love her (and always will).

All the information you’ve been gathering may never be able to give you a definite answer one way or another. There may always be a few pieces missing from the puzzle. But hopefully with all you’ve been able to learn and talk over, a day may come when you feel as though enough of the puzzle has been completed that at least you’ll be able to find some peace in knowing that you put together the most complete picture that was possible for anybody to fill in.

I know that with the fall and winter holidays coming up, you may find yourself especially missing Maia even more than usual. So we’ll be right here, any time you feel like stopping by once again. Take good care of yourself in the meantime!

Marianne

[Joan2517]

That's so nice that you got to hold her in your dreams. I wish Lena would come to me in mine....it's been so long. Sometimes when I'm petting Sibbie I close my eyes and pretend that she's Lee. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't...

The holidays are coming up and they are so hard for me. Lena was a big part of all of them and she just loved them, from Halloween, where she would wear her Boo tee shirt and sit on the stoop with me handing out candy and getting her picture taken with all the kids, through Christmas, where she would take up her spot in the kitchen while I made shortbreads, giving her pieces of the dough as each batch was ready to go in the molds. And how she loved it when it was present time!! Opening up hers, and everyone else's if she got the chance, then making a nest of all the shreds of wrapping paper. Oh how I miss her...