Letting Go: Ford 8yr Pitbull w/CC (Ford is now released)

[JulieM]

Oh Ford. We think he is an American Bulldog and Boxer mix. A rescue from the streets of Detroit.

He has had 6 major dental extractions in the last two years, after every one we thought surely it would be the last. All four canines damaged and removed, and two molar abscesses. This spring we tested for thyroid due to hair thinning and have treated that. The lethargy never relented, we assumed he was just getting tired.

Slowly we noticed hyperkeratosis on nose, paws and ear margins. Pot belly, fat pad on chest, thinning & oddly wrinkled skin. He tried to make off with an entire country ham!

After his last dental extraction 10/2017 the pu/pd came on quick, head pressing has increased and the past two weeks the calcinosis cutis has shown up and is growing aggressively. It has not erupted through the skin yet. I have read about the CC battles here, I appreciate everyone sharing. It's good to know what you're up against.

He has already been through so much, and I cannot justify more tests and pills and questionable outcomes just to keep him around so we won't miss him.

We have opted to not treat him. Until yesterday I had myself convinced I was going to get him tested and treated. But I can't. No more discomfort, no more pain, no more suffering. He is a very sick dog. We will make his last days memorable with treats and visits from friends, while he's still able to manage a feeble wag and eat his kibble.

I'm not one for the rainbow bridge or to pine for our eventual reunion at the pearly gates - in my world it just doesn't work that way. Instead I am comforted by the knowledge that we gave him a wonderful life, and how amazing it was to have him as our companion animal for 6 years.

I love him so much. He's a good boy.

I wanted to share his story with the forum, in hopes that it may help someone else make that hard decision. I spent hours here reading and I learned so much.

Julie

[Squirt's Mom]

Welcome to you and Ford! :)

It is so tough to make this decision - I know...I did the same for my Sweet Bebe, Squirt, after she reached a certain age. It became more important to us to make each remaining moment count than to continue with the testing, poking, prodding, meds, stressful rides to the vet and so on. It is a tough decision but one I know you made from the same place I did - love.

So now it is yours and Ford's turn to create those memories you will both carry with you to the next phase (I know you don't believe but I do. ;) ). It is your turn to talk of all the places you have been, all the things you have seen, all those who came to love Ford and who will miss him too. It is time to give him any and everything he desires whether that be an extra walk or an ice cream cone or a new toy but most of all time to give him more of you. Your touch, your voice, your love. These are the things that will make the time ahead more bearable and valuable to you both.

Thank you for giving him a loving home and saving him from the streets. I have no doubt he is ever so grateful to you. You are an angel for taking him in and loving him so.

Please know we are here for you anytime you wish to talk, vent, cry, whatever - we DO understand.
Hugs,
Leslie



“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving

[Joan2517]

Hello and welcome to you and Ford. I wish I had done that with Lena. Her last days were consumed by pills, testing and me obsessing over every little thing. I wish I had just let her be, enjoyed whatever time we had left together until it was the right time to let her go. Instead she died in the emergency clinic without me, something I just can't get over. It will be two years February 19 and I miss her every day.

You are doing the right thing for Ford....

[JulieM]

Welcome to you and Ford! :)
...
So now it is yours and Ford's turn to create those memories you will both carry with you to the next phase (I know you don't believe but I do. ;) ). It is your turn to talk of all the places you have been, all the things you have seen, all those who came to love Ford and who will miss him too. It is time to give him any and everything he desires whether that be an extra walk or an ice cream cone or a new toy but most of all time to give him more of you. Your touch, your voice, your love. These are the things that will make the time ahead more bearable and valuable to you both.

Thank you for giving him a loving home and saving him from the streets. I have no doubt he is ever so grateful to you. You are an angel for taking him in and loving him so.


Leslie thank you for the kind words. I'm feeling very grateful for the wonderful times, last year my husband and I had an epic travel adventure here in Michigan and Ford was along for the ride. It was the best summer of my entire life.

He's getting all the sweet potato treats and lovins he can handle. I'm glad I have the freedom to be here with him 24/7 until it's time. I'm watching him like a hawk and at the first moment of discomfort, pain or suffering I'll know. It's been two months of this honestly, with the pu/pd I'm taking him out every 2-3 hours now but he's making it through the night right now.

I am determined to grow through this. The temptation to shrink down into nothingness and let myself be consumed with grief and pull away from the world is a real threat. It took me years to bounce back from the loss of my sister 4 years ago - and I cannot let this take me back down to that deep dark place. I love my dog so much but I have to take care of myself - so I'm trying something new here. I'm reaching out to several friends, assigning them each 'jobs' during this time and continuing afterwards. This is very big for me. The world will not stop when he is gone, but it will sling-shot me into my next chapter.

This is all a big deal, self-care is not my strongest suit.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh good for you! I understand the depths grief can take us to very well. My adult daughter passed away suddenly in 2006 and it was Squirt who was by my side, Squirt who listened to me cry, Squirt who comforted me. Squirt literally saved my life because without her I had no purpose, could find no reason to keep living...she was the ONLY living thing that needed me after Gia died. When Squirt died all that pain from Gia's passing came roaring back and once again it became very difficult to keep going. Our family here kept me sane because they understood the depth of my anguish and stood by the all the way...even today. So yes, reach out and find ways to take care of you as well as Ford. And know you are not alone, ever!

[JulieM]

Hello and welcome to you and Ford...

You are doing the right thing for Ford....

Joan you cannot know how comforting your words are, thank you. I feel it's important to document the choice to not treat.

For three years we have been slowly crawling our way out of debt, we can't get (and don't want) credit. We have a very small amount of money in savings. We have a lot of deferred maintenance on the house and on ourselves. We are working so hard to be financially free and the barebones cost of treatment and drugs for him in the first year would likely be thousands. If we had the money, or the lines of credit, it is possible that we would have made a different decision. Perhaps it is the 'blessing in disguise' here.

I'm very afraid of being home alone. All by myself. With nothing to take care of. Another dog is definitely not in the cards because we are desperate to travel and see new things. So letting go of Ford is letting go of my 'job' of taking care of the dog. It became my identity. Even moreso now that he is in hospice. I now have to transition into taking care of myself, love and care for myself the way that I have loved and cared for Ford.

I will admit that last night I was weeping and pleading a case to my partner about 'maybe we should try?!' All kinds of bargaining, like a little kid. Grief is complicated. I'm hoping that it was the last time my resolve wavers.

Thank you for the support.

[Joan2517]

There will be those moments when you say maybe we should try. Lena was only diagnosed in December 2015 and died February 2016. If my vet had told me that at her age maybe I should let her be, I might have. He said that we'd give her a pill and she'd be fine. He never said it would't cure the Cushing's. I found this forum too late, she was already on 30mg of Vetoryl and she was only 5lbs to begin with. We spent close to $5,000 in those couple of months and she had to put up with testings, hours at the vet, probably stomach aches from the pills, but she was always so good and never complained. She just did not look right to me. But every time I took her because she didn't seem right, they said she was fine, looked great for her age, she's almost 15, what did I expect??

A miracle...that's what I wanted. I wanted my baby to be healthy again; I wanted my baby back. I still do. And I so wish that I had left her alone to enjoy those last few months in peace. Lena and I grew old together. She was with me when we bought our first house, for our daughter's wedding, when we became grandparents, when I turned 50. She traveled with me back and forth to Pennsylvania one weekend a month when my father was dying of lung cancer for a year or more. She was my everything...and she knew it.

I'm terrible at letting go. I wish that I had had your strength then. I still have four more and I tell myself that next time I will not put them through what Lena went through...I hope.

[molly muffin]

Hi Julie and Ford :)

You're right, taking care of your dog, does become an identity, a mission, a life's work and then, nothing. It is very hard to make that adjustment along with grieving for the loss of a beloved friend, and family member.

We thought we would get another dog fairly quickly, but then didn't and instead have been traveling and having other adventures. I don't discount that one day we might get another dog but not now.

Assigning tasks to friends to help you through what you know is coming is a good idea and I commend you on being proactive in your own knowledge of who you are and what you will need.

Sending out big virtual hugs to you.

[JulieM]

The past two days he was showing signs of organ failure. Very swollen belly, I assume liver. And this morning it started being noticeable by the hour. Unstable. Difficulty going potty. After dinner his ear margins were inflamed and his ears red. He started feeling very warm in my lap.

After the evening sunset we realized it was also Ford's sunset. I had already been in contact with the 24hr vet the day before in case we needed them. I called to tell them we were on our way and they had everything ready. The vet was remarkable. Loving and kinder than necessary. It was the exact right time, and happened with no panic. He was never stressed or scared or in pain. If only we all could go with such timing and grace. We will miss him forever, the dog of our hearts. My handsome pibble. Zero regrets.

Thank you for the support, I'm glad I reached out. You are all very, very good people. Hearts as big as all of North America. Never stop loving.

[labblab]

Dear Julie,

Although I had not yet written to you, I have been following along with all your posts. My heart is with you and your partner today, and I join all our family in offering our ongoing support. Ford was such a lucky boy to live out his life cradled in your love. And from what you’ve written, I know that you undoubtedly feel as though you were also so very lucky to be graced with the loyalty and companionship of such a dear boy. We hope it may bring you a bit of comfort to know that Ford, and your lives together, will always be celebrated and honored here on our special memorial thread.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?8846-Remembering-All-Who-Have-Left-Us-(2018)

Nobody can truly know another’s pain. But the hearts of those of us who have experienced loss will resonate with your heart today. I wish I could say otherwise, but I am guessing that the world feels totally different to you as you awaken this morning. As Sharlene wrote above, huge kudos to you for proactively contacting your friends there at home. And also, huge kudos to you for bravely writing to us during these final days and hours. We are here for you, and we’ll remain right by your side for however long we can be a help. It has been over a decade since I released my own Cushpup, and I’m still here writing about him...

So I send many hugs across the miles to you, and I take this moment to honor the shining spirit of your dear boy. Wherever else his spirit may be now, I do hope that a piece of it is safely tucked away in your own heart and memories. There to nourish you throughout the rest of your own life.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss,
Marianne

[Joan2517]

I'm so sorry, Julie. Knowing it's coming and having it happen are so different. I'm relieved for you that he wasn't afraid or stressed. Ford left knowing how much he was loved. He was a lucky boy....many hugs to you.

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Julie,

Yes, would that we could all leave this life with such dignity and compassion and ease. I know that your hearts are broken but in time those shattered pieces will reform and become a vessel filled with cherished memories that will bring laughter and tears. There is an art form practiced in Japan using gold to repair broken pieces of pottery called Kintsukuroi. The end results are stunningly beautiful. One of the philosophies assigned to this art form is called wabi-sabi, seeing beauty in what is damaged and it inspires a feeling of accepting change. I often think of my own heart as such a piece of pottery and hope that one day you and your partner will find the beauty that can come from the acceptance of changes brought about from loss. Know that Ford left this life filled with love, a love he learned that was not only possible but thanks to you was actually a fact in his once lonely world; know that due to your love his heart was a representation of Kintsukuroi.

Be kind to yourselves, grieve as long as you need and in any way that you need. There are no rules for grieving. We are here anytime you need to talk - we DO understand how you feel.
My deepest sympathies,
Leslie



Some of you, particularly those who think they have recently lost a dog to “death”, don’t really understand this. I’ve had no desire to explain, but won’t be around forever and must.

Dogs never die. They don’t know how to. They get tired, and very old, and their bones hurt. Of course they don’t die. If they did they would not want to always go for a walk, even long after their old bones say:” No, no, not a good idea. Let’s not go for a walk.” Nope, dogs always want to go for a walk. They might get one step before their aging tendons collapse them into a heap on the floor, but that’s what dogs are. They walk.

It’s not that they dislike your company. On the contrary, a walk with you is all there is. Their boss, and the cacaphonic symphony of odor that the world is. Cat poop, another dog’s mark, a rotting chicken bone ( exultation), and you. That’s what makes their world perfect, and in a perfect world death has no place.

However, dogs get very very sleepy. That’s the thing, you see. They don’t teach you that at the fancy university where they explain about quarks, gluons, and Keynesian economics. They know so much they forget that dogs never die. It’s a shame, really. Dogs have so much to offer and people just talk a lot.

When you think your dog has died, it has just fallen asleep in your heart. And by the way, it is wagging it’s tail madly, you see, and that’s why your chest hurts so much and you cry all the time. Who would not cry with a happy dog wagging its tail in their chest. Ouch! Wap wap wap wap wap, that hurts. But they only wag when they wake up. That’s when they say: “Thanks Boss! Thanks for a warm place to sleep and always next to your heart, the best place.”

When they first fall asleep, they wake up all the time, and that’s why, of course, you cry all the time. Wap, wap, wap. After a while they sleep more. (remember, a dog while is not a human while. You take your dog for walk, it’s a day full of adventure in an hour. Then you come home and it’s a week, well one of your days, but a week, really, before the dog gets another walk. No WONDER they love walks.)

Anyway, like I was saying, they fall asleep in your heart, and when they wake up, they wag their tail. After a few dog years, they sleep for longer naps, and you would too. They were a GOOD DOG all their life, and you both know it. It gets tiring being a good dog all the time, particularly when you get old and your bones hurt and you fall on your face and don’t want to go outside to pee when it is raining but do anyway, because you are a good dog. So understand, after they have been sleeping in your heart, they will sleep longer and longer.

But don’t get fooled. They are not “dead.” There’s no such thing, really. They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it. It’s just who they are.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs sleeping in their heart. You’ve missed so much. Excuse me, I have to go cry now.
by Justin Palmeron

[molly muffin]

I am very sorry to hear that Ford went downhill and that you have had to say goodbye to your heart dog. I am glad that it was peaceful for him and for you. Now comes the very hardest part... going on. You can do this though, we have the faith. But I will recommend that this is a time to maybe plan some weekends away from the house, doing anything. That not there feeling inside the home can be really hard to deal with.

My sincerest condolences.

[pibblesandbits]

Julie, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like Ford was really suffering, and you made the right choice. You guys gave him such a fun life - road trips! Your undivided attention! He was a lucky dog. I myself live in constant denial that I will ever have to say goodbye to my dogs, so I admire your bravery in this.

[Budsters Mom]

I am very sorry for you loss.
Fly Free Ford, Fly Free!

[M&Inu]

I am very sorry for your loss. I think its one of the hardest decisions to make, but I also think its one of the biggest kindness, and a decision made out of love, like everything you did for Ford in his life. He was a very lucky dog to get you as his friend. I hope you have family and friends that help you through the grieving process and you all celebrate Fords life, remembering all the good things you experienced together!

[11rufus11]

Sorry for your loss. It's a difficult decision for anyone to make. Fortunately for us nature made that decision for us. Our dog, Lab and Huskie mix, was diagnosed with Cushing's in April, 2017 but exhibiting symptoms of it six months prior to that. He did not respond well to the meds. He had all of the issues associated with the disease. Lethargy, extreme thirst, frequent urination, insatiable hunger, pot belly, skin issues, hair loss, and losing his eyesight. Although he deteriorated, he seemed comfortable and content through it all. Then one Friday he didn't eat at all and seemed more fatigued than usual. Saturday he just laid down and rarely got up. We knew something terribly was wrong. The Vet told us to bring him in on Sunday morning to accept the medical emergency. My precious dog died at 3:00am on that Sunday morning before he could make that appointment. He was 8 years old like your dog.

Prior to that fateful day, I pondered the the question of putting him to sleep if his condition worsened. But Nature made that decision for me.