New to this - Jake has passed

[Jakester]

My big man Jake is a big shipoo.*
He was diagnosed with cushings in Oct 2016. He was put on vetoryl 60mg and seemed
to be doing great until Dec 2016 when we noticed a blister on his stomach and took him to the vet and they thought it was his thyroid causing skin issues. So we started thyroid meds 0.4mg twice daily and switched his Vetoryl to 30mg twice daily. And again everything seemed to be working. He had an ultrasound on Monday to look at his gallbladder and his gallbladder showed a mucocele started and they wanted to get a second opinion from a clinic that had done a full ultrasound on him in May to determine whether his cushings was adrenal or pituitary. Tuesday morning we got a call to get him to an emergency hospital because his gallbladder was going to rupture in 24 to 48 hours. We rushed alright! If I can attach the email I received from them can anyone tell me what it means long term?

[labblab]

Hello and welcome to you and Jake! Wow, what a scary week you guys have had :o! So glad you were able to get him in quickly!

Unfortunately, for site security reasons, members are not allowed to upload attachments. So one option is to just go ahead and type the contents of the email into a reply here. Another is to try taking a digital photo of a printed version of the email, and then uploading it to your photo album here as an image. Or you can always insert a link into a reply here if you have access to a document storage website elsewhere. It is true that Cushpups can have an increased vulnerability to gallbladder mucoceles; I surely hope the vets have some good treatment options to offer out to you.

Also, in terms of Jake's overall health history, can you tell us a bit more about the symptoms and testing that led to his original diagnosis? Also, have you had any monitoring ACTH blood tests since Jake started taking the Vetoryl? The results of any monitoring tests will help us to know how Jake's cortisol level has been responding to the medication.

Thanks very much for any additional info!
Marianne

[labblab]

Just wanted to come back and add that one of our Admins has advised another member that they can convert a pdf file to a jpeg file and upload that way (our site will accept jpegs). I dunno know how to do that myself, but maybe you can try googling the process. So in other words, maybe you can convert the email into a pdf and then to a jpeg...

Marianne

[Jakester]

Hi Marianne,
Thanks for reaching out. So the story begins in late 2015 when Jake went in for something? i'm sorry i can't remember why! They noticed that his tail hair was thinning and noticed he had a pot belly so they started asking questions and suggested we start him on a diet and wanted to run a acth test. The test came back that he was borderline cushings. So we would test him in another 6 months and see what happens. We started diet food but he was so hungry all the time, but no increased thirst or frequent urinating. He went for his annual checkup in June 2016 and they noticed one of his teeth was broken and wanted to schedule a surgery. We finally got a surgery date for Sept 2016 and the day it was to happen they called us and said they couldn't put him under in the condition he was in. They ran an acth test and he was full blown cushings. We started him on Vetoryl 60mg once daily in Oct 2016. His first results came back as follows before starting the med.

Oct 2016
Pre = 143.0 nmol/L
Post = 855.0 nmol/L

After starting:
Nov 4,2016
2nd results
Pre = 113.0 nmol/L
Post = 214.0 nmol/L

At this time they also ran a thyroid test and it came back low but they said it was likely due to the cushings so they would recheck in a couple of months.

Nov 23,2016
Pre = 104.0 nmol/L
Post + 191.0 nmol/L

All seemed to be going well until Jan 2017 when Jake got a blister like lesion on his belly and it spread over his entire abdomen. They started him on Clavamox for a skin infection. He remained on the antibiotics until Feb 4/2017. On Feb 10/17 they started him on thyroid 0.1mg twice daily and Mar 17/17 increased to 0.3mg twice daily because the numbers were still low. Retested again April/17 and numbers were still low so he was increased to 0.4mg twice daily. Retested again in May and still low and so they wanted us to get an ultrasound to see if the cushings was the adrenal form.
June the ultrasound showed that his adrenal glands were of equal size so his cushings is coming from his pitutary gland. Gallbladder had lot's of sludge and bile was not moving through. Started him on Ursodiol 250mg once daily. They were no longer concerned about his thyroid they thought the cushings was the bigger problem.

ACTH JAN 10/17
Pre = 117.0 nmol/L
Post = 150.0 nmol/L

Biochemistry Feb 14/17
Phosphorus 1.90 mmol/L - Reference Interval 0.90-1.85
Carbon Dioxide 26 " " " 15-25
Anion Gap 25 " " " 13-24
Alkaline Phosphatase 1372 U/L " " 22-143
Steroid -induced ALP 1226 " 0-84
ALT 135 " " " 19-107

APRIL 11/2017
Free T4 7.1 L pmol/L Range 8-32
Total T4 <13 nmol/L " 13-50

MAY 16/2017
ACTH
Pre = 108.0 nmol/L
Post = 245.0 nmol/L

Total T4 <13
So after that test we have split his Vetoryl doses to 30mg twice daily. I don't have the new numbers but i will get them.

Aug/2017
Jake's bottom jaw was quivering and his appetite seemed to decline. I was worried his tooth was bugging him so off to the vet we went. They couldn't see anything wrong in his mouth so they did an ultrasound. She said his gallbladder looked like the inside of a kiwi and wanted to compare it to the one from May. The next day we got a call that we have to rush him to Guelph because his gallbladder was going to rupture in 24 to 48 hours.

Guelph findings

DIAGNOSIS:
Gall Bladder Mucocele [early]
Hepatopathy
Lumbar Pain
Historical Cushing's Disease
Historical Hypothyroidism

TESTS :
Physical examine
Abdominal Ultrasound
Triglyceride Level

The ultrasound showed there was no obstruction or rupture and that they want to treat his liver with Zentonil for hepatoprotection as well as Clavamox to treat possible bacterial cholangiohepatitis as a cause of his mucocele. The cause of his lumbar pain is unknown but started him on gabapentin 200mg every 8 to 12 hours. We will follow up with them in 2 weeks and see whether he is well enough for gallbladder surgery.

I'm most certain I am missing some info but this week we have been all over the place. We really thought we were going to lose him.

[molly muffin]

Hello and welcome from me too. So Guelph didn't think they needed to do surgery to remove the gallbladder. (this is often what they do if they worry that it might rupture as that is life threatening)

What about his tooth? A broken tooth can end up causing infections that can cause a host of problems too.

Do they think that if the cortisol is under control that they can do surgery on the tooth?

The gallbladder can cause the liver to also have problems and liver numbers will go up and possible cortisol, which might be why you saw a spike in his later ACTH after it appeared to be getting under control earlier.

I am in Ontario also. Mississauga.

[Jakester]

He is scheduled for surgery Oct 3rd for his gallbladder. He has a reassessment for his apparent infection and lumbar pain on Sept 13th.
We are currently feeding him chicken and rice because he has been off food and yes liver treats!!! He is now refusing to take his meds in cheese but I don't know if it's because he knows it's meds. He has thrown up a few times and seems really lethargic but I think its the gabapentin because when it wears off he seems bright and ready to go. We were told to keep his activities to nil. Only take him out to pee and poo.No stairs no jumping, nothing. I guess we are concerned about the pain and infection. They don't know what the cause is.

[Jakester]

The tooth doesn't seem to be a concern yet again!

[spdd]

Ck and double check with Guelph. I do not want to scare you at all, but Guelph concurred with my family vet about my dog.... turns out they were both wrong. Got my money back from both the vet and Guelph, so please make sure the vet taking care of your pet, knows exactly what they are talking about and have had lots of experience with that particular diagnosis.

[molly muffin]

I had to keep my dog inactive for 6 weeks, when she had back issue, so with the lumbar pain, that is the recommendation. On top of that you have the gallbladder.

I think this is different Judi, in that a blocked gallbladder, seen on an ultrasound is a gall bladder that can burst, and that is an emergency type of situation. I believe that is why they ended up at Guelph. Not really the diagnostic so much as the emergency surgery.

If you run your fingers down the spine on both sides, and you get a ripple effect, I was told this is a pain effect. It is how I constantly had to check my dog to see how she was doing with the back issue.

Sharlene

[Jakester]

Guelph called yesterday and he is scheduled to have surgery on Friday. The laparoscopic surgeon has taken an interest in Jake's case. Fingers crossed.

[labblab]

Wow! We will surely be keeping your boy in our thoughts on Friday. Please do let us know how things go, OK? I know it will be a rough day for you, too, so please check in with us at any time!

Marianne

[Jakester]

I will definitely let you know. And thank you for the thoughts.

[molly muffin]

Will be hoping for the very best on Friday. Pop in when you can to let us know how it goes.

[Jakester]

Jake's surgery was a success! The surgeon had no problem with the laparoscopy. He is in ICU for the night and we will know more in the morning! Thank you all for your thoughts.

[labblab]

YAY!!!!! This is such great news! :) :) :) :)

Thanks so much for taking the time to let us know, and keep those updates coming! ;)

[Squirt's Mom]

WOOHOO!!! Good news! Hope his recovery is swift and uneventful!

[Joan2517]

Wonderful! What a relief!

[molly muffin]

How is recovery going? So great to read that the surgery was a success.

[Jakester]

Hello everyone,
Jake's recovery has been a stressful one. His surgery went really well and he was released the following day Saturday Sept 2nd and the next day he was in excruciating pain. So we called our family vet and they wanted him in asap. She said that he was in so much pain and couldn't believe that they would send him home with just gabapentin for pain relief after abdominal surgery. So she injected him with hydromorphone and injected him with some saline for hydration, gave him a med for nausea and another to increase his appetite. Then put a Duragesic patch on him for 5 days. We went back everyday so she could make sure he was doing okay. She was our hero! His pain was finally under control but he still wasn't eating and we can not get him to eat. Also during this period our cat went missing and still hasn't returned. Just very stressed right now but wanted to let you know that our big man is still here and we are so grateful for that. Will keep you updated as time goes on. By the way they did a biopsy on his gallbladder and liver. He did have a mucocele in his gallbladder but no cancer and his liver shows signs of a dog with cushings.

[Joan2517]

Oh, the poor guy! Glad that his pain is being managed. Mush up what you think he would like, mix it with rice and see if that will get him to eat.

Hopefully your cat will be back soon, too.

[molly muffin]

Oh my gosh, the poor guy. To be in that much pain and sent home. Horrid. Glad you had a good vet ready to jump in.

Is he eating better now?

[Jakester]

Hello and sorry it's taken so long to get back here but things were very stressful for awhile. Jake had another surgery to remove excess tissue that suddenly appeared under his tongue. This was the reason he wasn't eating. So while he was in surgery they placed a feeding tube in his esophagus so we could pill him and feed him in order for his mouth to heal. Well it's been almost 4 weeks and the little bugger pulled out his tube and his appetite is still not the greatest but other than that he has lost about 13 pounds and looks great and feels great. Just need to teach him how to use his new tongue!
As for our cat he has never returned. We feel as though we traded one life to save another. It has been a struggle, but we will prevail. God bless all the animals and humans who love them.

[molly muffin]

Oh no, I'm so sorry your cat never returned :( How very sad.

How is Jake doing learning to eat with his tongue now? I'd think once the pain and issue was gone that he would do much better.

[Jakester]

Hello again,
It has been 2 months since Jake has eaten a full meal. We thought having the tongue tissue removed that he would eat again but no go.He is now getting mirtazepine to increase his appetite but it doesn't seem to help too much. He did have a feeding tube for 3 weeks after the tongue surgery but he pulled it out . I don't know if anyone has been down this road but am hoping for some feedback. He was also prescribed Ursodilol just before he stopped eating so I just stopped giving it to him to see if maybe that is upsetting his belly. Again if anyone can help please help!

[Squirt's Mom]

Good to hear from you again but sorry to hear Jake is not eating well. There is an herb called Slippery Elm Bark that has the potential to help. I have used it with many dogs, on myself and my family with success. ;) The brand I use and trust is NOW. Here is a link so you can see what the NOW bottle looks like and compare pricing. You want loose powder not capsules! The pic is in the upper LH corner of the page:

https://www.google.com/shopping/product/10952910024333126351?q=slippery+elm+now+powder&client=ubuntu&hs=0wp&channel=fs&biw=1272&bih=553&prds=hsec:online,paur:ClkAsKraXyF2JQ1WyhfDXWqGt9cj LD-SvrOT6wFICkKI4FAulurICDmuUQpjRBPSeycHcyR_Vo2lbhF56 N7qy4KcemjhjPGrGbv7BYj3bkeqKhRG9Kh_OfDYnBIZAFPVH72 il7n240adrQ2uiFrYesXAkidqUw&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiVpcHwopHXAhXmxYMKHdTGD6wQ2SsIEw

Here is a link to dosing info as well a bit of info on the herb itself. The link is from a cat site but the dosing info is valid for dogs too.

http://www.littlebigcat.com/health/slippery-elm/

And some general info on SEB:

https://vcahospitals.com/know-your-pet/slippery-elm

https://www.whole-dog-journal.com/issues/5_5/features/5455-1.html

Let us know how your sweet boy is doing!

Hugs,
Leslie

[Jakester]

Thank you Leslie, I will look into that product. I also want to ask for advice on stopping all his meds. You see Jake started out at 22.5 kg and now weighs 16.5 kg in two months. I guess I question his Vetoryl dose now because his intial weight when starting was 29 kg. Yes he was a big fellow!!! So his dose is still the same, 30mg twice daily. And I have read on here that people have stopped the Vetoryl until there pups feel better. Should we go that route?
Our vet has offered to have all 3 vets on staff reevaluate Jake and his on going not eating problem for free on Monday and thank the Lord for that because we have spent almost 12,0000 over the last 2 months to still be at our wits end.

Should we stop the vetoryl and thyroid meds?

Thank you,
Robin

[Carole Alexander]

Hi Robin,
I've been following along your thread. Since you are going to see the vets shortly for a thorough evaluation of his situation, I would consult with them before stopping. When was his last stim test? What were his cortisol numbers then? This is an enormous weight loss from 29kg to 16.5kg now. I would stop if he's not eating as Vetoryl cannot be absorbed without a full meal... Vetoryl can be stopped and restarted with no harm. But, if you wait until he's seen by the bevy of vets, they could check his cortisol level; that would be helpful in developing a treatment plan going forward. Best to you.

[Jakester]

Hi Carole,

Thank you for your response.
We have kept him on his Vetoryl , Thyroid and Gabapentin but have stopped Ursodiol and Mirtazepine. We have also decided to stop all human food and syringe feed him recovery food only. Hopefully this will settle his tummy and get his calories back up.
I can't remember when his last stim test was done locally. There has been so much going on. I do have test results from OVC from Guelph.I will take a screenshot of tha test and upload to album.

Robin

[molly muffin]

The unsocial is to help stop th

The gallbladder buildup. So I would keep giving that. You don’t want a blockage. I know it is hard to have to give them so many meds and poor guy has so much going on. I’d have a chat with the vet and work up a doable plan for him.

[Jakester]

I have contacted the vet and let them know that we have stopped the Ursodiol. Also if he doesn't have a gallbladder anymore why does he have to be on it. My vets all say he is a mystery. No one seems to know what is happening . Very frustrated 😭. I just want my baby to feel better.

[molly muffin]

So when the gall bladder is removed sometimes toxic bile can build up and ursodiol basically replaces the toxic with good bile, from what I read when I looked it up. So I'm guessing that this might be why he is still on it. Your vet can tell you for sure.
It mentions that it also helps the liver, so I am guessing this is with the bile issue.

[Jakester]

Hello everyone, today we received news of our worst fear. Our beautiful little boy has a very large pituitary tumor. This is the reason that he hasn't eaten in 3 months. Our hearts are broken. We decided against radiation because we feel that he has been through enough. We are beside ourselves with this so I will write more when I can. This site has been such a big help and we thank you for this.

[Carole Alexander]

Hello and I just read through your thread quickly; I can well imagine all that you are feeling and thinking and you may well be right. While the issues that my Skippy has confronted are not similar to yours, except that he too has a macro tumor, I urge you to think carefully and learn more before your make the final decision. Of all the treatments, that I said I would never subject him to, i.e., radiation, it is the singular one that has helped him the most in the past year. He received three treatments over five days last July; he tolerated the anesthesia easily and I have seen improvement in his neurological symptoms on a continuous basis for the past five months. While he has had serious and life threatening problems with his pancreas and kidneys for the past month, no one thinks it was caused by the radiation. Radiation doesn't work for every dog, but so many dogs with macros have gone on to live a great quality of life. I hear your pain and am so sorry that you all are going through this; it is heartbreaking.

Carole

[Squirt's Mom]

Such hard news to hear and a hard decision to make...but I believe any decisions we make out of love are never wrong. Be with your baby boy as much as you can, listen to him and he will help guide you. Make memories to cherish, spoil him rotten, tell him all you want him to know....and believe in your Soul he hears you and understands because he does. We are with you all the way; anytime you need to talk we are here to listen and share our experience, hope, and strength.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending hugs.

[Jakester]

Hi Carole and thank you for your words. We have thought long and hard about our decision and it didn't come easy. We talked with the neurologist about everything but he has been through 2 operations in 3 months. His weight has decreased from 29kg to 14.4kg. We are still syringe feeding him. He has no interest in food or water. They believe that the tumor is putting pressure on the appetite sensory. To do radiation here is 5 days a week for 3 weeks and he stays at the hospital. We feel we could at least spend the next days,weeks,months, who knows how long , having him with us and not gone for yet another vets visit. He's stressed, he's always been with us wherever we go and if we can't take him we always limited our time away. I guess I really wanted you to know that the decision was made out of love.

Can I ask if you know anything about Keppra? They started Jake on it and I think maybe because the tumor is so large (15.6mm) . He doesn't seem himself. Just wants to sleep and not be near us. Not his way at all. Also we started prednisone to see if it might help with appetite. I think they gave it to him just to make me happy. I told them I had read about it on here. Should we just stop the vetoryl. His dose is 30mg twice daily. Will it make him eat if we do stop it? I just want his memories of us not to be shoving a syringe in his mouth to keep him alive . So many questions . I'm sorry, but please help.

Robin

[labblab]

Dear Robin,

My heart breaks for you upon reading your news. There are so many similarities to the situation in which my husband and I found ourselves with our own dear Cushpup. We never actually got the imaging done, but all his symptoms were consistent with an enlarging pituitary tumor. He also stopped eating and drinking, and became very lethargic. The only radiation option near us was twelve treatments over a month, and he would have had to stay at the hospital the whole time. By that time, he was so fearful of being taken to the vet for even a blood draw. We could not bear thinking of leaving him for all that time and for so many anesthetics. After he stopped eating and drinking entirely, we were able to keep him going for awhile with sub-Q fluids. We did try stopping his Vetoryl altogether, but unfortunately that didn’t help his appetite and he started back up with his uncontrollable panting and Cushing’s restlessness. So we began again with a low dose when he would take it. I honestly don’t remember now how we got it in him since he didn’t want to eat. Anyway, if your vet agrees, I do think it would be worth a try to stop the Vetoryl, though. Maybe, hopefully, Jake will regain some of his appetite that way.

It is such a hard place to be. I was so desperate trying to get my Barkis to eat. Really, I was frantic. That is one of my greatest regrets from those final days. I was so upset, myself, that I could not settle down enough to just be quiet and calm and peaceful with Barkis. If there was some way I could have those final days back, I would trade all the grocery store trips and online searching (and tears!) for time spent just sitting beside him and hugging him and loving him. That was the one gift I truly could have given, but I was too panicked to settle down and do so.

Robin, no matter how things go during these next days, please know that we’ll be right here by your side. We’ll do our very best to calm you and comfort you. And we’ll be sending all our healing thoughts to Jake.

Big hugs to you all.
Marianne

[molly muffin]

Hi Robin, I just wanted to check in and say hello. Did the Keppra make any difference for Jake?

Sharlene

[Jakester]

Hi Robin, I just wanted to check in and say hello. Did the Keppra make any difference for Jake?

Sharlene

Hi Sharlene,

Jake is still going strong. We feed him twice a day with a cake decorator. So much easier than a syringe! We have now started to give him water as he doesn't want to drink. We use a rectal syringe for that! I know the above products seem a little odd to use but it has made it so much easier for all of us, including Jake. The Keppra has helped a little but I think alot may be anxiousness. When it's time to eat he starts to shake and hides, but we feed him and he's fine after that.
He's had a few bouts of diarrhea so we have him on metronidazole to keep that at bay. If you have any more questions please ask. I want to be able to help people who's pets have this with as much info as possible. I wish we had done an MRI as soon as he got diagnosed. I think that may have helped us alot.

For now , we go day by day and love him with everything we have. I can't imagine my life without my bubba.

Robin

[Jakester]

Hello I am Robin's partner Barb. I hope it's ok just to recap our Jake's journey because we really need help. Jake was diagnosed with cushings in October 2016. Was on vetoryl etc.,etc. Diagnosed with a brain tumor in November 2017. He stopped eating so we had been force feeding him for 7 months with a syringe. Oh how anxious he got when it was time to eat. Shaking,shaking. But he still seemed happy on his walks and still slept with us and oh we wanted him to stay He was on keppra but this past Sunday we stopped it because he seemed spaced out. We got to look in his eyes and see the real Jake. Our dog sitter said all he did was sit in a dog bed for the whole day and shake - no pees and no getting up. Robin said there was something wrong in the evening so thought it best to start back on the keppra, so we did. The next day our dog sitter came to our work to fell us he was not good. We took him to the vet and to me he seemed the same in the car. He looked out the window when we got there and walked in with us to the "quiet" room. He just laid on the floor shaking. We talked with the vet and she said it was time. She took and put a catheter in and brought him back and into my arms. He was so peaceful and not shaking and then he lifted his head and looked at me and came really close to my face, I thought he was going to give me a kiss but he didn't. Well Jake is gone and we both are second guessing ourselves (mainly me).

Jake was our rock, our world. He was like our child - he was our child. We couldn't have loved him more than we did. Life will never be the same without him.

BUT - did we make a mistake euthanizing him yesterday?

- did we wait too long to do it?

- did we do it too soon

- what was the "thing" he did coming close to my face? Was he saying don't do it or thank you for doing it?


I know that no-one has all the answers but did any of you experience anything like this?

Just need some help, haven't stopped crying since yesterday. Oh what I wouldn't give to see his face and touch him one more time.

Sorry this so long
Barb

[Joan2517]

Oh, Barb....it is so hard to know when it's time. I am so sorry. I'm sure he was letting you know how much he loved you. How I wish I had been with my Lena when she was set free. That torments me to this day. I wish with all my heart that I had been holding her in my arms. They are so much a part of our lives, especially when they have an illness that requires constant monitoring and care-giving. Everything we do is for them; every thought is about them; our lives revolve around them. When they leave there is such a hole, so much silence, so many what ifs.

Jake knew how much he was loved and he loved you and Robin. I think that is all that really matters. Like Lena, he had a good life with people who adored him, as we did her. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I begin to wonder and the what ifs begin to torment me.

Many hugs to you and Robin...

[Jakester]

Joan thank you so much for your response. It really does help to know that you're not alone.



Barb

[Budsters Mom]

Hi Barb,
My deepest condolences. My boy Buddy was my life too. I totally understand where you're at right now. Many of us second guess our decisions, but what matters most is that Jake was and will always be truly loved. I will do my best to honestly answer your questions. Please know that these are my opinion only. Others may feel totally different.




BUT - did we make a mistake euthanizing him yesterday? You and Robin knew Jake best. Only you and Robin can truly answer this question. The most important factor, to me, is quality of life.

- did we wait too long to do it I would not have syringed fed for 7 months. Only because I know that Buddy wouldn't have wanted that. He was the mightest of all lizard hunters. He needed to hunt and guard his family to be happy. Those things were his life, his purpose. Only you know what made Jake, Jake.

- did we do it too soon My gut feeling in no. Refer to the next question...

- what was the "thing" he did coming close to my face? Was he saying don't do it or thank you for doing it?I think that Jake was telling you that he loved you so much, but he was ready to fly. That he didn't want you to worry. Yes, I believe that he was thanking you for being strong enough to end his pain.

This sucks! It is so very hard. We love with our whole hearts and souls. Jake has joined our other fur babies at the rainbow bridge. He is in very good company. Young, vibrant, healthy and running free. Please return and chat with us whenever you'd like. Once family, always family. It's been almost 5 years since my Buddy flew and I'm still around.

Hugs,

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Barb and Robin,

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved Jake and my heart goes out to you both at this most painful time. Please know we will always be here for you both and if at any time you need to talk or support please do come back to us.

The decision to let them go is one of the hardest to make but it is done out of the deepest love we have for them and I am sure that the very deep love you both have for Jake was what guided you in making the right one for him. Again, I am so so sorry.

With Heartfelt Sympathy, Lori

[Jakester]

Kathy,

Thank you for your answers. I am struggling so much and I feel so darn guilty. Robin believes we did the right thing and she is at peace but I cannot find that. I do not know what to do next. I feel like if I went grocery shopping or did housework or whatever I would be a bad person because it's the not the right thing to do when your beloved just passed away. I am a mess.

So hearing that someone else may have had the same trials and tribulations as us is in a small way helps us process, even though I'm sorry that anyone has to go through pet bereavement.

I sincerely thank you for caring and reading. I have so much more I too say but I'll give it a breather.

Sincerely, Barb, Robin and our beloved late Jake

[Budsters Mom]

You are most welcome. What to do next??? For now, take one minute at a time and just get through it. Do what you can and have too, leaving everything else until you are ready to do more. There is no timetable on grief and we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way, just keep plugging along. Eventually happy thoughts of Jake will outweigh the sorrow. For now, be kind to yourself and realize that this will take time.

[Harley PoMMom]

I do understand how you feel, that guilt can really screw with your head, believe me I know. I think we all go through the "could of" "should of" "would of" but you can't dwell on that, and I realize that is easier said than done. With my boy, Harley, I agonized with the decision that I didn't start treatment sooner, it literally tore me apart. Somehow one must make peace with their decisions and the way I found that was knowing that I loved that boy with every fiber of my being and I knew he knew that too.

As Kathy said, please be kind to yourself, we are here for you.

Hugs, Lori

[Jakester]

Lori, Kathy and Joan,

Wow you guys are amazing. This site means so much to us. We can be angry, we can vent, we can tell our story with no judgement and we can just be our messed up selves.

Thank you, thank you.
Barb and Robin

[Budsters Mom]

You are not even close to being messed up! I take the prize on that one! To check out what true insanity looks out see my thread....

BUDDY THE MIGHTY LIZARD HUNTER! It is very long. More than 1500 posts. So, start reading right before I released him. (Type it in the search bar and it will pop up. - It is closed for additional posting, so it's read only.) Start reading on post 942.

The good new is that it does eventually get better and you will be able to move on, just as I have. I still miss him terribly, but I know that he is in a better place and we will be reunited when it's my time to join him.

We remain here for you, as others stood by me.

[Joan2517]

I couldn't get off the couch for weeks, except to go to work. I cried constantly and slept the rest of the time, hoping when I woke up it would just have been a bad dream, or that she would come to me in my dreams. I couldn't talk about her at all, and if I tried I would wind up sobbing. I still cry when I talk about her, but it is better. My big boy Gable and my Puggle Cooper just cuddled with me on the couch and let me cry.

What I didn't know was that the whole week after Lena died, my husband was searching for a teacup poodle. Lee died February 19 and Sibbie arrived February 28. I was furious with him! I couldn't believe that he could be that insensitive! I wasn't ready for another dog, let alone a puppy!

I don't remember much of that time, I was still in shock over my precious, but I do remember me and the two boys just laying on the couch watching this little girl keeping herself occupied because I didn't have it in me. I was a total basket-case, screaming at everyone, so stressed over the loss and now having to take care of a puppy....

But my motherly instincts finally kicked back in and I managed to get off the couch and start taking care of her. I'll never admit this to my husband, but Sibbie saved me. She's not like Lee, she's more independent (probably because she had to be), but once in a while she does something that Lena used to do and instead of breaking down and crying, I can smile and remember.

I miss Lena every single day; I still cry; I still wonder if I made all the right decisions; and I am still tormented that she died without me being there. I have all her things put away in one of her favorite dog beds in my room where I can take them out and look at them.

I don't miss her any less, I've just gotten used to missing her.

[labblab]

After we released our first dog, our beloved Cushpup Barkis, I felt an immediate grief that cut deeper than any other in my life either before or after. I didn’t know my heart could hurt so much, and the pain clouded every single day. He had been quite compromised beforehand, and not only did I lose him but I also lost my daily routine as caregiver. So there was so much empty time to be spent in the quiet empty house. That time was a torture for me, and coming on the forum to write about my pain was one of my only comforts.

Like Joan, it turned out that my salvation was our new puppy Peg. She joined us unexpectedly three months after Barkis died. She was not a replacement for Barkis, as she was definitely her own little self. But she needed me to take care of her, and I desperately needed another canine companion. And she brought me back into the world of the living.

Time marches on, and we had to release Peg nearly two years ago. By that time, we already had our Luna, as well. So at least I was spared the pain of returning to the empty house. And this time, the grief has followed a different course for me. Not as acute at the beginning, but instead a “background” ache that almost remains unchanged to this day. It’s like my grief for Barkis was a blowtorch that burned so hot that it purged itself in a way. Whereas my grief for Peg is the flame of a candle that is relit every morning when I wake up and realize she’s still gone. Grief seems to have a power and path all it’s own, at least for me.

Perhaps my intense grief for Barkis was fueled by my own questions and doubts — and guilt — over the decisions we made at the end. He was only nine and acutely ill, and I was so consumed with indecision and worry that I was frantic there at the end. There was no peace for me, and I felt so terrible that I could not be calm and consoling and peaceful for him, either. Those final days were a horrible blur for me. Peg’s decline was the more gradual quieting that comes with old age. We knew what was coming. We had time to say goodbye in peace. I do think that made a difference. But why, then, does my candle of grief for her still burn every day? Guess that’s not something I can figure out with my head. I guess it’s all a matter of the heart.

I apologize for spending so much time talking about me. But I just want both of you to know that this is what we are here for — to share our thoughts even though it may be days, or weeks, or months or even years down the road. We are a family that finds one another through the love of our dogs. And we stay here for one another through the love of our dogs.

Sending tons of hugs across the miles to both you girls, always in loving memory of your sweet boy.
Marianne

[molly muffin]

Oh no, I'm so very sorry to read that Jake has passed. :(
I know how horrible it is too, when the light of your lives is suddenly no longer there.
Our molly was our baby and her loss devastated us. There was panic attacks at coming home to her not being here. Sobbing episodes when I was in the house by myself and it was too quiet. Just missing her
I think we will always miss her. It's been a year and a half and it still sucks.
You just get through somehow, do other things, stay busy, anything to fill those empty moments. :(

[Jakester]

We are plugging along getting through each day at a time. We both went back to work yesterday. Last night and tonight we are mentally exhausted from grieving and from work. Everyday I say to myself that I am going to tell youj more about Jake but right now I am so tired am heading to bed.
Will post more soon.

Barb

[Jakester]

Hello angels:

I know that Robin has told you some about Jake. I hope you don't mind but I really feel the need to tell you his story.


Jake was diagnosed with Cushing in the fall of 2016. He had the usual symptoms - excessive hunger, pot belly, loss of hair (He had a hairless tail) and round sores that eventually peeled. He had all the tests and was on vetoryl. So we carried on until Aug of 2017. Jake stopped eating then and ended up having his gall bladder out. On Sept 2, 2017 we went to get Jake after his operation and that was the last time we saw our cat Lucky. Jake would eat a few treats but not a meal so we started to feed him with a syringe. Always hoping that he would start eating on his own.

A couple of weeks later he still wasn't eating so back to the vet. They found excessive tissue on his tongue as if he had bitten the same place over and over. 2nd operation in 5 or 6 weeks. Jake came home with a feeding tube. Again we were full of hope that he would start eating. He had the feeding tube for 2 weeks and then he pulled it out himself, vet said keep it out. Started appetite stimulants, etc. And still syringe feeding. In Nov, 2017 he saw an internal medicine guy and a neurologist. Had an MRI and diagnosed with a large brain tumour (15.6mm). We thought that meant he would pass in the next couple of weeks and we were heartbroken. We kept syringe feeding him (actually using a cake decorator) and started giving him water as well. He went from eating a few treats here and there to not eating at all and drinking very little. But Jake was so happy on walks and still chased our cats. He still slept with us. So we carried on, grateful for the time we had with him until March, 2018.

We started noticing the small changes - spacing out, staring at the walls, shaking, growling at things he never did before, looking unhappy, very skinny, etc. This got worse as time went on. He had lost 30+ lbs. Even though we were feeding him as many calories as we could. But because he was still running on his walks and still sleeping with us we thought it was still ok. So we carried on. When he couldn't lift his head all the time and he didn't want to get, up off to the vet we went. As Jake sat shaking on the floor the vet said it was time. As he lay in my arms with Robin petting his back (and not shaking for the first time in a couple of months) he lifted his head and came close to my face and then he was gone. We were devastated and still are. We stayed in the house for 3 days talking and crying.

He was our child, he was our everything. We did everything we could for him. We syringe fed for 7 months because we loved him and thought we were doing the right thing. We asked the vet if we should have let him go sooner and she said no. I felt guilty for syringe feeding him that long. The house feels empty and quiet without him. To say we are devastated is an understatement. We both cry at least once a day. We will always love him and will never forget him.

Maybe if we had seen the internal medicine guy and the neurologist sooner things may have been different. Who knows.

Barb

[Joan2517]

I think you did what was best for Jake the whole time. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time, and we do it out of our great love for our babies. We all have these doubts and regrets. Do I wonder if Lee would still be alive if I had done things differently? Yes, every day...Do I cry because I miss her? Yes, every day. They are our children and our grief is overwhelming at times.

I can be having a good day, smiling when I think of her, and then all of a sudden I'm crying, wishing with all my heart she was still here. I look at Sibbie and try to see Lena, just because she's a poodle, too. But it doesn't work. I talk about her to all of them. I tell Sibbie the things that Lena used to do. I ask Gable if he remembers her, and I think he does from the way he looks at me. I will never forget her.

You and Robin loved Jake and he knew it and loved you right back. To love an animal and know that you are their whole world is such a wonderful thing. I don't understand people who don't get that. Everyone here does, Barb. We all know how you and Robin are feeling.

[labblab]

Aww Barb, I so appreciate you coming back to tell us more about Jake, and I agree 100% with what Joan has written. You and Robin made the very best decisions you could day by day, knowing what you knew and seeing what you were seeing at any given moment. I think inappetence is one of the most torturous issues that fur parents have to struggle with. Another one of our members is also dealing with that right now, and there just are no easy answers. If only our babies could speak and tell us what is wrong, and what it is they are needing and wanting!! But they cannot, so each day we balance the good and the bad, and as long as there is hope or some pleasure we do our best to keep going. Each day we do our best to help them in the only ways we know how.

I’ve probably already told you that my own Cushpup stopped eating, too. I don’t think anything about his illness made me feel more frantic then that. To this very day, almost 15 years later, I cannot walk past jars of baby food in the grocery store without flashing back to those final weeks when I’d try anything and everything to tempt him. Please eat, please eat, please eat, please please eat...!!! I think you and Robin made a heroic effort to keep Jake as healthy and happy as you possibly could up until the moment when there was no pleasure left in his body and his spirit was ready to soar. I don’t think you and Robin did anything wrong. I think you did lots of things exactly right.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It is real and it is huge. Huge. Please keep coming back to talk to us anytime, about anything. Alongside you and Robin, we are always cradling Jake in our loving memory.

Marianne

[Jakester]

Thank you so much for your replies. You guys are amazing and so supportive. We definitely felt better.

God how we miss Jake - we loved him so much. Our home doesn't feel like home anymore without him. So we keep his memories alive by looking at pictures and talking about him. He will be in our hearts forever.

Thanks again angels, until we chat again.

Barb

[Jakester]

Well who would have thought? Here I am again. I am not having the best of days. I am off today and Robin is at work so I am alone. I decided to do some housework as we hadn't done much since Jake passed two weeks ago. One minute I'm thinking it would be nice to have the house clean again, the next minute I don't want to vacuum anymore in case there is still something left of Jake's like hair or anything. So here I sit crying my eyes out and thinking of him - he's running in the grass, he's walking down our road, he's sitting on the deck, he's lying on the sofa and on and on and on.

I am so hurting right now (well all the time).

Barb

[labblab]

Oh Barb, I can so relate to your day!!! Here’s something I wrote a couple of weeks after my husband and I released our sweet Peg:


But still lots of hard moments. Most of our house is carpeted, and we've always joked about the mounds of gray dog hair embedded everywhere from the combo of Peg's black hair and Luna's white hair entertwined. Salt-n-pepper, we always laughed. I vacuumed again this morning, and for the first time ever there was totally white hair alone.

How nuts to be crying over white dog hair, but there you have it. I miss her in so many ways.
So many things can break our hearts in such surprising ways. I’ve been totally blindsided so many times...!!

You may already be aware of this, but I just want you and Robin to know that if you ever wish to do so, you can start a companion memorial thread for Jake here:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?8-In-Loving-Memory

For some folks there is comfort in composing tributes, some folks write stream-of-consciousness, some folks write diary-style — anything and everything is welcomed and honored. You can always continue writing on this thread; starting an additional memorial thread is just one more option if it should ever feel meaningful to you. We’ve got your back, girl — always!

[labblab]

I forgot to mention that another very special place is our K9C candle page that you can access from here:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?517-Candles-in-honor-of-our-babies-at-The-Bridge

That page has remained my own salvation throughout the many months since Peg left us. You can light as many candles as you wish at any moment in time, along with notes should you want to do so. The candle site has become almost a diary for me where I can go and talk to my Peglet alongside my candles. I share my good moments and my bad ones with her. The candles give me comfort, and so I wanted to mention them as an option for you and Robin, too.

[Joan2517]

I still have all of Lena's meds. They have her name on them and the dates that she was still here. I can't throw them away. The blanket that I brought her to the ER that last night is a quilt that my mother made for me for my 45th birthday. It was Lena's favorite. I had her wrapped in it when she was admitted. I wanted her to have it overnight, thinking that I would be picking her up in the morning and bringing her home as I had done the night before. When I went in to kiss her goodnight and tell her how much I loved her and to please not leave me, the quilt wasn't there. I asked them about it and they said she had peed on it and it was in the laundry bin. I went outside and got in the car, thought about it, and then called them and told them to bring it out to me. It was probably 2am now. I brought it home in a plastic bag and hung it by the basement steps to wash in the morning. She died a few hours later. When I was finally able to function a couple of days later, I found the quilt. I didn't wash it for weeks. I couldn't. I could still smell her on it, even with the pee.

After a few weeks, it only smelled like pee, her scent had left, so I washed it, but I have it with all her things. None of the others are allowed to use it.

We all do what we have to do to feel closer to them...and it doesn't matter what it is.

[Budsters Mom]

Regarding our K9C Candle Page that Marianne referred to.....

I kept a candle lit for a my little Buddy for over a year. It helped me to process my grief knowing that a candle remained lit. Often, when I didn't return soon enough, another member would light Buddy a candle, knowing that I would be back. They didn't want me to return and see that his candle had burned out. It was an incredibly kind thing to do for me and was much appreciated. I still periodically light candles on our K9C page in honor of all my fur babies who have passed on.

We are devastated when our precious fur babies move on. There are many things that can trigger bouts of uncontrollable grief. Be kind to yourself and know that you did your very best for Jake.

[Harley PoMMom]

We will always be here for you, so please do come back and "talk" to us whenever you want. We surely do understand your pain and grieve right along with you. Sending tons of huge comforting hugs, Lori

[Jakester]

Hello

Well it's been 3 and 1/2 weeks since Jake passed. We miss him more and more as the days go by. We were going to put some pictures in a frame we bought but looking at those pictures made us cry and cry. Don't think were ready to look at old pics yet. I still think about the "what ifs", the "could ofs" and the "should ofs".

We try to keep busy but sometimes all of a sudden it hits you that Jake is gone. We'll never get to hug him or kiss him or hold him. And I feel this strange panic sensation. We are heartbroken and I'm sure we always will be.

We feel blessed to have spent 9 years with this wonderful boy. He taught us many things. We will love and miss him forever and he will always be in our hearts.

Here's to healing.

Barb

[labblab]

(((((((((Giant Hugs)))))))))))

[Harley PoMMom]

Huge hugs from me too.

[Jakester]

Good morning

Please do not think I am off my rocker but does anyone know of a reliable pet medium or has been to one (in Ontario, Canada if possible)? We live in southwestern Ontario on Lake Huron.

Thank you in advance for any info. We appreciate it.

And thank you for the hugs.

Barb

PS... not sure we believe but worth a try

[Joan2517]

I skyped with one, Barb after Lena died. She was recommended by someone on this forum (can't remember who it was). Her name is Melissa Sehgal and her email address is melissasehgal@hotmail.com

She also will talk on the phone. She was very good and there were quite a few things that she couldn't possibly have known. I know I felt better after and some things came through that I didn't make connections to until much later.

And you are not off your rocker...

[labblab]

Our staffers Leslie and Glynda both recommended Melissa. If you click on this link and then continue to scroll down,you’ll see what Glynda has had to say about her positive personal experience with Melissa:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?7519-So-very-sad&p=189700#post189700

I don’t think Leslie has used her personally, but is aware of others who have recommended her. Leslie may have another resource to add to the list, as well. However, it may be next week before she has a chance to check in again because she’s taking some well deserved time off this weekend.

Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Yes I have had a conversation with Melissa and highly recommend her!

[Jakester]

Thanks angels. Have been in contact with Melissa.

[Jakester]

Hello again ,

Well Robin and I skyped with Melissa last night. We really liked her and she was very good.

Here's the thing... all week I had been looking forward to talking with Melissa and I really enjoyed talking with her. Today I am so down, I thought I would feel better. Anyone experienced this ?

I do have 1 more question about Jake. Do you think it would be inappropriate to e-mail Melissa ? Should i book another appointment?

Thanks for any advice. Barb

[Joan2517]

Hi Barb,

I think that we get ourselves so worked up before, and so sure that we will get all the answers we need, that even though it is a good experience somehow it doesn't fulfill all of our expectations. So we might get a little let down. Email her, or set up another session if it would make you feel better.

[Jakester]

Hello again
It has been a few days short of 4 months since Jake passed. Doesn't time fly even when life is not the best?
We are still grieving. We still have not put any pictures out because all we do is cry when we look at them. Robin posted his picture on Facebook every day for 3 months and I light a candle every morning (in the regular candle section not k9). The what ifs still haunt me. Our world is not the same without him. We miss him greatly.
This is normal right? We are really not off our rockers? It certainly has been a struggle but I am thankful for you ladies who understand and care about what we are going through.

Barb

[Joan2517]

Nope, perfectly normal. I am still grieving for Lena and it's 2 1/2 years. There are some days where everything makes me cry; others where I can remember and smile. Losing the ones you love are never easy. Gable has Cushing's and is responding well to the Vetoryl, where Lena died after 2 months...and I wonder why it didn't work for her; what I might have done wrong, or differently. Not easy....

[labblab]

Perfectly normal indeed. I don’t think any one of us ever really gets over our grief. With time, we’re just finally better able to live with it. The focus of our days finally starts to shift to our immediate needs, and then ultimately to looking ahead once again. But there are always the bittersweet moments of remembrance. More bitter now, more sweet in the future. At some point, hopefully the balance may shift. But for right now, you and Robin are still missing Jake so dearly. And you have every right to do so.

Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Who could know that deep grieving could go on for years, decades, even for the rest of our days? We don't know that until we have to face such a loss. My Squirt was my heart-n-soul dog. She had to leave this life in 2014 and for at least a year I cried every single day. For weeks after I literally screamed for hours every day. The pain was just too much. Every where I turned she was not there and the anguish would come tearing out of me in a scream. I couldn't vacuum or sweep because that would mean her hair would be gone. I kept her food bowl in its place for a year and would ge upset if anyone tried to lick it. I STILL have the last two meals I cooked for her in the freezer. I pull them out and look at them, telling myself I need to throw them out....but I just can't. Four years later, I still cry often...tears are rolling now in fact just talking about her. No, you are not crazy nor have you lost your mind. You simply lost someone whom you loved deeply. The tears, the screams, the heart ache...those are some of the ways we honor that love now. We hurt because we love, we cry because we love. I don't think I will ever stop crying or stop missing Squirt and I don't really want to because that would mean I have become accustomed to her absence and I don't ever want to reach that place where she is not missed terribly. You are alright. You are right where you are supposed to be. And most importantly, you know you can come here anytime and talk to us...we DO understand.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Squirt's Mom]

Dogs Never Die
Author Unknown

Some of you, particularly those who think they have recently lost a dog to “death”, don’t really understand this. I’ve had no desire to explain, but won’t be around forever and must.

Dogs never die. They don’t know how to. They get tired, and very old, and their bones hurt. Of course they don’t die. If they did they would not want to always go for a walk, even long after their old bones say:” No, no, not a good idea. Let’s not go for a walk.” Nope, dogs always want to go for a walk. They might get one step before their aging tendons collapse them into a heap on the floor, but that’s what dogs are. They walk.

It’s not that they dislike your company. On the contrary, a walk with you is all there is. Their boss, and the cacaphonic symphony of odor that the world is. Cat poop, another dog’s mark, a rotting chicken bone ( exultation), and you. That’s what makes their world perfect, and in a perfect world death has no place.

However, dogs get very very sleepy. That’s the thing, you see. They don’t teach you that at the fancy university where they explain about quarks, gluons, and Keynesian economics. They know so much they forget that dogs never die. It’s a shame, really. Dogs have so much to offer and people just talk a lot.

When you think your dog has died, it has just fallen asleep in your heart. And by the way, it is wagging it’s tail madly, you see, and that’s why your chest hurts so much and you cry all the time. Who would not cry with a happy dog wagging its tail in their chest. Ouch! Wap wap wap wap wap, that hurts. But they only wag when they wake up. That’s when they say: “Thanks Boss! Thanks for a warm place to sleep and always next to your heart, the best place.”

When they first fall asleep, they wake up all the time, and that’s why, of course, you cry all the time. Wap, wap, wap. After a while they sleep more. (remember, a dog while is not a human while. You take your dog for walk, it’s a day full of adventure in an hour. Then you come home and it’s a week, well one of your days, but a week, really, before the dog gets another walk. No WONDER they love walks.)

Anyway, like I was saying, they fall asleep in your heart, and when they wake up, they wag their tail. After a few dog years, they sleep for longer naps, and you would too. They were a GOOD DOG all their life, and you both know it. It gets tiring being a good dog all the time, particularly when you get old and your bones hurt and you fall on your face and don’t want to go outside to pee when it is raining but do anyway, because you are a good dog. So understand, after they have been sleeping in your heart, they will sleep longer and longer.

But don’t get fooled. They are not “dead.” There’s no such thing, really. They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it. It’s just who they are.

I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs sleeping in their heart. You’ve missed so much. Excuse me, I have to go cry now.

[Jakester]

Thank you so much for your support and for the stories of your beloved pups. Thank you for the story of "dogs don't die, the sleep" - how beautiful. You guys are awesome and I feel so lucky to have come across this site.

I am sure I will be talking to you soon.

Sincerely Barb

[Jakester]

Well hello again.

I usually read this site every day, even the old posts. I read something fromJoan and that is exactly how I feel.

I still think of the what it's and carry some guilt as to whether some of the decisions we made were right. I know we made all decisions out of love but I still question everything. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting him (I'm not) so sometimes I make myself reach into my mind and see him. I don't know why I feel this way because I think about him every day.

Since Jake has passed I have become so emotional about everything. I am not in control.

Any thoughts?

Barb

[Joan2517]

That's how I am about Lena, Barb. I think of her all day long, whether consciously or just in the back of my mind. There's always a memory or a thought; I'm always telling Sibbie, Lena did this or Lena never did that....it's always "before or after Lee". At first I cried so much I couldn't believe I still had tears. I still have those days; sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Anything sad will make me start.

All I can say is that it does eventually get easier. At first that made me feel terrible. Was I forgetting her? Didn't I still love her?? I will never forget her, ever. And I will always love her, always. It's not that I don't miss her. I'm just getting used to missing her; it's always there.

[labblab]

Hey Barb,

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the chance to check out any of the resources listed here, but maybe you’d find some thoughts or suggestions that might bring some comfort. Included on the thread below are websites that offer written materials, leads on finding support groups, and even online grief support chats.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?171-Where-to-Find-Help-When-You-re-Hurting

The most important thing is for you to know that you never need to bear your grief alone! We are always here for you, and perhaps one of these links will connect you to even more folks who understand and care. Regardless, we are here for you, anytime you want to talk. Promise!

Marianne

[Jakester]

Joan, that is exactly how I feel. I think it will become part of my life and I will get used to it.

Marianne, thank you for the resources. I have read through quite a bit and they are quite helpful.

Thank you for your support.

Talk soon, Barb

[labblab]

Hi Barb! Thinking of you and Robin and sweet Jake today, and wanted to pop in to say hello. I was just now visiting our K9C memorial thread and was struck by Jake’s photo once again. What a handsome boy, with such beautiful soulful eyes! He looks so sweet and fluffy in that photo that I just wanted to reach out and hug him. Since I can’t do that, though, I’ll reach out and give you a big cyber-hug instead. I know you miss your precious boy a million times over. Every second of every day, he is missed.

Always, always, always in loving memory ~
Marianne

[Jakester]

Marianne thank you for thinking of us. You are so right, we miss Jake every second of every day. His big brown eyes told us so many things over the years. He will forever be in our hearts.

And I want to give you a big cyber-hug as well, for all of your advice and support and for all your thoughtful posts. Robin and I were actually talking the other day about how this site and its members are so helpful. We are grateful.

Talk to you again soon.
Barb

[Jakester]

Well it's been 6 months and 5 days since Jake passed. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime and sometimes it feels like yesterday. We are still devastated and still miss him more and more each day. He was everything to us.

What Tina posted about her dog Jasper's passing at the 6th month mark is exactly how I feel about Jake. He was our everything and life is empty without him. We cry every day for him. We just miss him so much.

I guess what Joan said in one of her posts is true - you get used to living with the pain and hurt of losing your baby (or something to that effect ). Little by little we'll get used to the hurt but we'll never get over it.

Barb[/QUOTE]

[Joan2517]

You never stop missing them...you just get used to it. I still cry Barb, and tomorrow it's 2 years 7 months.

[labblab]

Hey there Barb. Huge hugs to both you and Robin!

I recently read an article by a woman who had lost her husband in an accident at any early age. Coincidentally, his name was Jake! She talked about the way in which her grief is both a pain and oddly, also a relief. That in the midst of her tears come the moments during which she still feels most connected to him. I thought about that a lot and realized how true that was for me, too, especially during the early days when I was grieving most acutely for my Cushdog, Barkis. My tears felt like my final true deep connection with him, when I still felt closest to his spirit. I actually started feeling guilty during times that I didn’t cry. I felt as though I was betraying him and our connection when I tried to find a bit of joy elsewhere. So in a totally weird way, times when I was crying and times when I wasn’t crying were both a relief and a pain, all at once.

I honestly don’t know how long I would have struggled with that see-saw had our new puppy Peg not entered our lives. But she needed me, and I needed her, and my attention and focus shifted out of necessity. She ended up saving me from my deep well of pain. I’m absolutely not suggesting that you and Robin should consider adding a new family member right now, or ever if that doesn’t feel right to you. But what I’m hoping to tell you is that I think grief, and ultimately comfort, can blindside us in so many unexpected ways. And most importantly, if a day finally arrives when you no longer feel quite as tearful, you are not being disloyal to Jake and all that he will continue to mean to you. It does mean that your connection is shifting, and that shift is truly bittersweet. Or at least it was for me. It does hurt me to think that my raw emotional connection to Barkis is different now. But I also know that our deepest heartstrings are forever connected. As are yours and Jake’s. There will always be times of tears, but you will not be betraying him by also smiling again, even if only briefly. You will not be betraying him when the time comes that you start to peek forward again. It just means that you still have more life to live, and more paths to travel. That day may still be quite a ways in the future. But when it does come, you’ll still be carrying Jake right along with you every step of the way, no matter where the path may lead. Forever in your heart.

[Joan2517]

Always and forever...

[Jakester]

Hello again

Just wanted to pop in and say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. You have been so kind and so supportive and we are thankful for all the info we received.

Jake's been gone for 8 months now. We still miss him every second, every minute, every day and I'm sure we we will never stop missing him. But we cherish the 9 years we had with him and he will always be in our hearts - forever. Jake's birthday is on Monday the 24th and he would have been 10. Going to be a hard day but we will carry on.

Hugs
Barb

[Squirt's Mom]

Merry Christmas to you and yours, Barb! These holidays and milestones can be tough but remembering the love we shared with our babies can pull us thru the hardest of days.

Hugs,
Leslie