Tank~ My corgi pit mix (Tank has passed)

[tank&kat]

Hi everyone! I have been reading all the posts from people for a few months and have gotten to know many of you already from lurking behind the scenes. I have a 14 1/2 year old male corgi pit bull mix named Tank. He was diagnosed with Cushing's 7 months ago. I was terrified after the vet didn't seem to think testing would be necessary. He had all the classic symptoms but it wasn't untilI had her do a CBC that she realized he could possibly have Cushing's. His ALP was 965 U/L.

She admitted to me that she wasn't experienced treating the disease and I didn't feel comfortable putting faith in another vet so I decided to do the research myself. It's what I'm good at. Here I am, 7 months later and I think I am on my way to being able to help not only my dog but many other pet owners who find themselves in a similar situation I was in not too long ago.

Tank did very well when he first starting trilostane back in June. His last few ACTH tests have been normal. I will post those results below. About a month ago he began having more accidents in the house. I hid my disappointment from him but truthfully, I was not ready to go through that again. I originally thought his symptoms had returned. ACTH was 5.8 and he's already dosing BID. Diabetes was ruled out as was UTI. The vet didn't have any suggestions as to what could be wrong. There was a pattern to his incontinence, now there is not. It happens maybe 2 or 3 times a week. Just wondering if anyone has had this problem with their cush pup.

Also, it would be very helpful to me if anyone has experienced their dog's back right leg shaking at times. I haven't heard of this happening before in any posts that I have read. The vet thinks it is related to arthritis, I do not. It seems to happen out of the blue. He will just be lying there and then he'll sit up quickly and stare at me when it happens. I can make it stop shaking by touching it. If I don't, it lasts anywhere from 15-30 seconds.

ACTH Results:

May 2015
Pre-3.8
Post-25.5
USG-1.019

June 2015
Pre-3.2
Post-7.7

July 2015
Pre-1.5
Post-5.4

October 2015
Pre-2.7
Post- 5.4

January 2016
Pre-1.5
Post-5.8
USG-1.020

Thanks. I am very grateful to be a part of this group!

~Katherine

[labblab]

Hello, Katherine, and welcome to you and Tank! I am so glad you have introduced yourselves to us, because I have been noticing your replies to other members and I have been very impressed with your knowledge. So yes indeed, all your research has certainly paid off! ;)

Turning to Tank, I understand why his incontinence must be very frustrating and also worrisome. Does he still exhibit any abnormalities on his Chem panel -- renal or liver, most specifically? When you say that a UTI has been ruled out, does this include an actual culture? Also, does he exhibit a return of any other Cushing's symptoms?

As for the leg shaking, that is a bit of a mystery, I'm afraid. We have had members report unexplained tremoring or shivering episodes, but typically elsewhere in the body and not isolated to a single leg. Does Tank seem to favor that leg or experience unusual weakness in addition to the shaking? Thanks in advance for the answers to all these questions.

Once again, welcome to you both, and thank you for your replies to our other members. I look forward to learning more about your boy!

Marianne

[lulusmom]

Katherine, I'm glad to finally be able to formally welcome you and Tank. FYI, I spent a great deal of time in the shadows when I joined our predecessor site many, many years ago. When I finally came out, Marianne (labblab) and Terry (Mytil) were there to help me learn as were other staff members who are no longer active. No matter how much you think you know, you'll look back one day and realize that you could have put all that knowledge in a thimble. There is always something to learn and that overactive inquiring mind of yours is in the best place possible to be an even bigger sponge. :D:p:D

I went to sleep last night thinking about Tank's leg tremor and sudden incontinence, despite having very good pre and post stim results and concentrated urine. After looking at his picture with those short little legs and long body, I did a bit of research this morning and thought I'd share something that perhaps could be a possibility. Corgi's are on the list of breeds that have Degenerative Myelopathy and this condition can cause any number of symptoms, including tremors and incontinence. I've provided a link to the Merck Vet Manual site where you can read a thumbnail summary. You will have to scroll down to find it but I've cut and pasted the information below for you. This is just food for thought.


Degenerative Myelopathy of Dogs:
Degenerative myelopathy of dogs, also called chronic degenerative radiculomyelopathy, is a slowly progressive, noninflammatory degeneration of the axons and myelin primarily affecting the white matter of the spinal cord. It is most common in German Shepherds, Pembroke Welsh Corgis, Boxers, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, and Chesapeake Bay Retrievers, but is occasionally recognized in many other breeds. The cause is a mutation in the superoxide dismutase1 (SOD1) gene, inherited in an autosomal recessive pattern with incomplete penetrance. It is similar to familial amyotrophic lateral sclerosis in human patients. Pathologically, there is noninflammatory degeneration of axons in the white matter of the spinal cord, which is most severe in the thoracic region.

Affected dogs are usually >8 yr old and develop an insidious onset of nonpainful ataxia and weakness of the pelvic limbs. Spinal reflexes are usually normal or exaggerated, but in advanced cases there is flaccid tetraparesis and hyporeflexia reflecting lower motor neuron involvement. Early cases may be confused with orthopedic disorders; however, proprioceptive deficits are an early feature of degenerative myelopathy and are not seen in orthopedic disease.

Myelography or MRI and CSF analysis are essential to exclude compressive and inflammatory diseases. A DNA test based on the SOD1 gene is available on the Orthopedic Foundation for Animals (OFFA) website (http://www.offa.org). Dogs that are homozygous for the mutation are at risk of the disease and will pass one copy of the mutant allele to their offspring. Heterozygotes are at low risk of the disease but have a 50% chance of passing one copy of the mutant allele to each offspring. Homozygous normals are at low risk of the disease and will not pass the mutation to offspring.

There is no specific treatment and no evidence that glucocorticoids, other drugs, or supplements alter the course of the disease. Most dogs are euthanized because of disability within 1–3 yr of diagnosis.

http://www.merckvetmanual.com/mvm/nervous_system/diseases_of_the_spinal_column_and_cord/degenerative_diseases_of_the_spinal_column_and_cor d.html

[Renee]

You can also run a DNA test to rule in or rule out the genetic markers for DM. It's not 100% indicative of a diagnosis, but it can help you screen it out if he is not a carrier for either gene.

http://www.offa.org/dnatesting/dm.html

I used this test to rule out DM as a possibility for one of my pugs. He does not carry either gene, so I was able to rule it out and move on.

The first thought that came to my mind with the single leg trembling is luxating patella.

[judymaggie]

Welcome, Katherine & Tank! Your research and knowledge is very evident in your responses to the members here -- we will happily pick your brain! :D Hopefully, your vet is grateful for your guidance in treating Tank and other Cushing's dogs she may come across in her practice. One of my first dogs, almost 40 years ago, was a German Shepherd and, from what I have learned since, had DM in his later years. It was tough to deal with and it hurt me to see him struggle to get up but he lived a healthy life for the majority of his 14 years.

[tank&kat]

One of the first things I noticed when I began reading stories here was the amount of dedication many of you have to educate pet owners. No member goes unheard. No one leaves if a member is afraid and just needs answers to questions to calm their fears. It takes my breath away and I can only hope that I have what it takes to make such a difference in the lives of people who come through here and their beloved pets.

I started reading about Degenerative Myelopathy a couple weeks ago. The most difficult thing to determine with Tank is when he is in pain. I know that's true of most dogs. He weighs 72 pounds and carries all that weight on legs that are only 5 inches long. Most days, I can barely keep up with him. The fact that he shows no signs of pain is the main reason I believe he could have this condition. From what I have read, it is not painful. I am planning to do the DNA test for him sometime next month. In the meantime, I will continue to learn everything I can about it.

Lab results/present symptoms: UTI was ruled out with a UA. He only had one culture and that was when he was initially diagnosed back in June. He pants heavily like he did before treatment just not as much. He also begs for food more in the evening. It's different because it's not every night. It only happens a few times a week.

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. ~Katherine

May 2015
ALP- 937
ALT- 157
AST- 35
Creatine Kinase- 219

October 2015
ALP- 465
ALT- 126
AST- 57
Creatine Kinase- 430

Reference range U/L:
ALP (5-160)
ALT (18-121)
AST (16-55)
CK (10-200)

[tank&kat]

Welcome, Katherine & Tank! Your research and knowledge is very evident in your responses to the members here -- we will happily pick your brain! :D Hopefully, your vet is grateful for your guidance in treating Tank and other Cushing's dogs she may come across in her practice. One of my first dogs, almost 40 years ago, was a German Shepherd and, from what I have learned since, had DM in his later years. It was tough to deal with and it hurt me to see him struggle to get up but he lived a healthy life for the majority of his 14 years.

Hi Judy, I'm sorry about your shepherd. What was his name? Do you recall any early signs he had with DM?

[tank&kat]

Hello, Katherine, and welcome to you and Tank! I am so glad you have introduced yourselves to us, because I have been noticing your replies to other members and I have been very impressed with your knowledge. So yes indeed, all your research has certainly paid off! ;)

Turning to Tank, I understand why his incontinence must be very frustrating and also worrisome. Does he still exhibit any abnormalities on his Chem panel -- renal or liver, most specifically? When you say that a UTI has been ruled out, does this include an actual culture? Also, does he exhibit a return of any other Cushing's symptoms?

As for the leg shaking, that is a bit of a mystery, I'm afraid. We have had members report unexplained tremoring or shivering episodes, but typically elsewhere in the body and not isolated to a single leg. Does Tank seem to favor that leg or experience unusual weakness in addition to the shaking? Thanks in advance for the answers to all these questions.

Once again, welcome to you both, and thank you for your replies to our other members. I look forward to learning more about your boy!

Marianne

Thank you Marianne for your kind words. You have helped tremendously with my research. I have easily read hundreds of your responses to people here. I narrowed down Tank's leg shaking to either degenerative myelopathy, psuedomyotonia or arthritis. Most of the spine related diseases are diagnosed with an MRI so I will not be going this route due to the expense.

[judymaggie]

Katherine--I've been thinking about my shepard whose name was Shef. I got him when he was about 3 old months --he had stayed with his mom until then and was scared of everything. I had another dog already (Beaujolais) and Shef attached to her immediately. As an adult, Shef weighed about 90 lbs. He was very handsome (his father was a silver and black shepherd) but not the brightest. Beaujolais (a Great Dane/mutt mix) was just the opposite--Shef would follow her around with no clue what was happening. Sorry about the reminiscing ... as good as I can recall, Shef started having difficulty getting up when he was about 11. I had an exceptional vet (I was living in the Virgin Islands and the joke was that, if you needed emergency medical care, it was better to go to the vet rather than the hospital). Thhe vet ruled out a lot of things and determined that Shef had spinal nerve damage. I seem to recall the vet giving him shots but don't remember what they were. I don't remember him being in pain but I think he couldn't figure out why he couldn't stand up. I would help him stand up and eventually used a harness to help him pee/poop. He lived to be 14 which was a long life for such a big dog, especially in the tropics.

[tank&kat]

Katherine--I've been thinking about my shepard whose name was Shef. I got him when he was about 3 old months --he had stayed with his mom until then and was scared of everything. I had another dog already (Beaujolais) and Shef attached to her immediately. As an adult, Shef weighed about 90 lbs. He was very handsome (his father was a silver and black shepherd) but not the brightest. Beaujolais (a Great Dane/mutt mix) was just the opposite--Shef would follow her around with no clue what was happening. Sorry about the reminiscing ... as good as I can recall, Shef started having difficulty getting up when he was about 11. I had an exceptional vet (I was living in the Virgin Islands and the joke was that, if you needed emergency medical care, it was better to go to the vet rather than the hospital). Thhe vet ruled out a lot of things and determined that Shef had spinal nerve damage. I seem to recall the vet giving him shots but don't remember what they were. I don't remember him being in pain but I think he couldn't figure out why he couldn't stand up. I would help him stand up and eventually used a harness to help him pee/poop. He lived to be 14 which was a long life for such a big dog, especially in the tropics.

Judy,

I love the name Beaujolais. I can't image how difficult it must have been for you to lose him. I read that dogs with DM are the hardest to let go when it's their time because their quality of life is not severely affected. My biggest fear has always been not knowing when to let him go. I just hope he does not have this disease. No need to apologize for reminiscing. Memory can sometimes be a good thing. It's how you are able to keep Shef close to you.

[Renee]

Hi Kat,

I sure hope you'll consider the DNA testing for DM.

My understanding is that an MRI is used to presumptively diagnose DM, simply by ruling out all other alternatives. The true, and only 100% accurate, diagnosis is done by necropsy. Maybe the science has advanced though, and I could be wrong about this?

I have a good friend that went through DM with two of her pugs. The first one held on longer than the second. They did very well using carts made by Eddie's wheels. It is true that DM itself is painless. It's the secondary issues that set in that cause quality of life issues. And, sadly, it's especially difficult when an owner is managing DM in a larger dog versus a smaller dog. I have a pug with a weak back; it's very easy to carry him around since he only weighs 20 pounds. I have been carrying him up and down stairs and lifting him up and down from couch / bed for the last 2 years. I can't imagine the burden when your dog is 50+ pounds.

[tank&kat]

Hi Kat,

I sure hope you'll consider the DNA testing for DM.

My understanding is that an MRI is used to presumptively diagnose DM, simply by ruling out all other alternatives. The true, and only 100% accurate, diagnosis is done by necropsy. Maybe the science has advanced though, and I could be wrong about this?

I have a good friend that went through DM with two of her pugs. The first one held on longer than the second. They did very well using carts made by Eddie's wheels. It is true that DM itself is painless. It's the secondary issues that set in that cause quality of life issues. And, sadly, it's especially difficult when an owner is managing DM in a larger dog versus a smaller dog. I have a pug with a weak back; it's very easy to carry him around since he only weighs 20 pounds. I have been carrying him up and down stairs and lifting him up and down from couch / bed for the last 2 years. I can't imagine the burden when your dog is 50+ pounds.

I will still be doing the DNA test soon. I need to at least know if DM is a possible diagnosis. My boy weighs 70 pounds. The last time I tried to get him out of my car, I ended up in the hospital with a herniated disk. He's not just heavy, his body is long and low to the ground:(

[tank&kat]

http://i65.tinypic.com/29cnq1l.jpg

[WeLoveAthena]

Katherine
Just found your original post. I see Tank is the name of your handsome guy. Love it.
Besides Athena we have 3 others. We have a 14 year old Brindle Staffy. She's a gem of a dog. We also have a 9 year old brindle and white American Bulldog/Pit mix, and of course Athena our cush doggy, and the baby is a 2 year old blue nose blue brindle pitty. She's our handful but we adore her! We love them all

The leg shaking: Our 14 year old Staff does that and it was in fact arthritis confirmed by 2 xrays. So she takes tramadol twice a day. One with morning meal which she also takes 1 tab of Gabapentin. She takes the other Tramadol at night with her meal. Sometimes we give her more. She can have 2 every 8 hours but most times does well with two a day. She weighs 54 pounds. We didn't think it was arthritis either but took her right to our vet to find out and in fact it was. She has really cruddy arthritis in her hind legs and one in particular ( on the right) is the worst which shakes but with tramadol the shaking slows down considerably. She also rests much better. Our Boy is on tramadol as well and Athena gets one at night only because of the added weight from cushings has made her hind legs a bit sore and it's what helps her rest better. I trust when the weight is off she will not need it and feel better.

Just a thought if you want to get Tank checked out for it. Tramadol is great for dogs, very effective in our dogs and very inexpensive not that it would matter cost wise. Anything for these doggies :D

[tank&kat]

You have quite a pack. I love blue pits btw. They are my favorite breed. I have a question about the leg shaking. How often did it occur and were you able to stop the shaking by touching it? I have given Tank tramadol before and his leg would still shake. He was at the max dose too. I may try adequan to at least see if he responds.

~Katherine

[lulusmom]

The videos you shared with me of Tank running clearly shows that he does not run like normal dogs. There is no mistaking that Tank bunny hops when he runs, which is very common in dogs with hip dysplasia. Your boy's anatomy is such that he may be predisposed to spinal problems experienced by dogs with long torsos, like Corgis and Dachshunds. There's also a big dog in there somewhere which could genetically predispose him to hip dysplasia. Whether hip or spine, those problems are degenerative so Tank's leg could be tremoring from worsening hip pain or a progressive neuropathy. I think the only way you can rule out either suspect is through imaging. Where is that money tree when you need it? :p

Glynda

[tank&kat]

The videos you shared with me of Tank running clearly shows that he does not run like normal dogs. There is no mistaking that Tank bunny hops when he runs, which is very common in dogs with hip dysplasia. Your boy's anatomy is such that he may be predisposed to spinal problems experienced by dogs with long torsos, like Corgis and Dachshunds. There's also a big dog in there somewhere which could genetically predispose him to hip dysplasia. Whether hip or spine, those problems are degenerative so Tank's leg could be tremoring from worsening hip pain or a progressive neuropathy. I think the only way you can rule out either suspect is through imaging. Where is that money tree when you need it? :p

Glynda

Glynda,

I am now thinking that he may be in pain. I just tried to get him to go to the lakefront and he didn't get up to go. He has never turned down a car ride. Do you think adequan injections would help? Hip dysplasia does not sound good.

[labblab]

Katherine, have you considered having some x-rays done of Tank's hips and pelvic area? Obviously, x-ray imaging will only reveal certain types of abnormalities, but they would pick up on dysplasia or arthritic hip changes. That's how we easily identified pretty severe hip degeneration in our 11-year-old nonCush Lab girl. On the occasions when she still tries to run, she definitely bunny hops. :o

Her mobility had become so compromised that we now give her a daily NSAID, Previcox, and thus far it has helped her a lot. It seems to provide better relief for her than tramadol, presumably due to the added anti-inflammatory component. I realize that steroids, including the elevated cortisol of Cushing's, is a major concern in combo with NSAIDS. But if Tank's cortisol remains well-controlled with the trilostane, then perhaps adding an NSAID may not be totally out of the question if he suffers from a condition that would greatly benefit from the anti-inflammatory component.

Our girl weighs 80 pounds, so I can truly sympathize with you re: the worry and problems associated with mobility deficits in our big dogs. Of course, Tank's physical issues may be nothing similar to my Peg's. But I just wanted to mention this as food for thought.

Marianne

[tank&kat]

Katherine, have you considered having some x-rays done of Tank's hips and pelvic area? Obviously, x-ray imaging will only reveal certain types of abnormalities, but they would pick up on dysplasia or arthritic hip changes. That's how we easily identified pretty severe hip degeneration in our 11-year-old nonCush Lab girl. On the occasions when she still tries to run, she definitely bunny hops. :o

Her mobility had become so compromised that we now give her a daily NSAID, Previcox, and thus far it has helped her a lot. It seems to provide better relief for her than tramadol, presumably due to the added anti-inflammatory component. I realize that steroids, including the elevated cortisol of Cushing's, is a major concern in combo with NSAIDS. But if Tank's cortisol remains well-controlled with the trilostane, then perhaps adding an NSAID may not be totally out of the question if he suffers from a condition that would greatly benefit from the anti-inflammatory component.

Our girl weighs 80 pounds, so I can truly sympathize with you re: the worry and problems associated with mobility deficits in our big dogs. Of course, Tank's physical issues may be nothing similar to my Peg's. But I just wanted to mention this as food for thought.

Marianne

I will be scheduling an appointment for Tank to have an x-ray on Tuesday. I have the cash to do it. It's all I got but I have to know what's going on with him.

~Katherine

[tank&kat]

Tank did not get his much needed x-ray today. I had a difficult time trying to entice him to get in my car. Reinforcements had to be called in lol. My friend's boyfriend is coming tomorrow morning in case he has to be lifted into the car and he is bringing lots of beef jerky. Something tells me it will go just fine. Hopefully we will have results soon.

~Katherine

[labblab]

Hi Katherine! Just wondering whether you've been able to get Tank in for the x-rays yet, and if so, whether any helpful info was revealed...

Marianne

[tank&kat]

Hi Marianne,

Tank had his xray a few days ago. It was rough at first because the vet wanted to sedate him. She wasn't able to manipulate his back legs without him moving/resisting. She did manage to get two clear images without having to sedate so I was happy about that. I got to see both of them and she explained in detail how to recognize arthritis in an xray.

There was only mild arthritis in his right leg. Her words were "very mild arthritis." I barely saw evidence of it. The outlines of the joints were smooth. Some proprioceptive deficits associated with DM were noted during that visit and if he has this it's in the early stages. He is on demaraxx only for a week to see if there is any improvement. It's been 4 days and I haven't noticed anything.

Also, liver enzymes were checked and ALT and ALP are higher than last time. ALP was 937 before vetoryl, 465 after 5 months of treatment, now it's at 760. He's been on vetoryl for 7 months. Vet has no clue why they have increased. She said she would call Dechra to see if they could offer an explanation.

I received the DNA test for degenerative myelopathy in the mail today. Hopefully, those results are normal. I'll know in a week or two. I am nervous about it. His legs have been shaking more and for the past couple weeks his right leg seems paralyzed when he tries to get up. It's sweet of you to check up on him. I'm so worried. Something doesn't seem right.

~Katherine

[labblab]

Hi Kat! It's been a while since we've heard from you guys, and I hope things are going OK?

We'd love to get an update when you have the chance. ;)

Marianne

[tank&kat]

Marianne,

Tank is doing very well right now. He is going on his 9th month of treatment with vetoryl. Still has a few accidents in the house but I think it's related to the scent still lingering or just canine incontinence. He has had some off days but for the most part he is loving life.

I am learning so many new things about this disease and don't want to go a day without helping someone in need. I'm just glad this place exists.

Oh yeah, and no degenerative myelopathy! He test was clear.

~Katherine

[tyry]

Hi Katherine,

Great news about no DM. I've now owned two Corgis, my most recent one is the Cushings pup we have. But in both of them, as they got older, their rear legs would shake. And same thing, I could touch it and then it would stop. Perhaps it is a Corgi trait and Tank happened to just get that trait.

Tracy

[tank&kat]

Thank you Tracy, that actually helps a lot. I'm not sure what triggers these spasms but sometimes it just happens more. One week I might see it several times a day and the next week, only once. No pattern at all. When it happens, he just stares at me. I wish I knew why so I could fix it.

~Kat

[tank&kat]

It has been so long since I checked in with Tank. Looking at the date I last posted, It is really hard to believe it has been 6 months.

Tank had his 6 month ACTH test about a week ago. I am happy to report that his levels are perfect, pre 4.1, post 4.4 ug/dL. His previous ACTH was pre 1.5, post 5.8. His ALP increased from 760 to the 1200 range but I am not too concerned with that number since the ALT has not increased. The vet recently told me it was ok to give denamarin anytime and it doesn't have to be given on an empty stomach. Is that true?

In the last few weeks, he stopped taking walks all together. He only goes right outside in the yard to pee and comes right back inside. It is difficult for me to determine if he is in pain. Everything I know about this dog's behavior tells me he isn't or if he is, it's minimal but there is always the "what if I am wrong" replaying in my head. I am wondering if I should give deramaxx another try. When he took it before, he was very active so maybe that's why I didn't see any improvements. Would a week on this drug raise his ALP more than it is now? Or is it not even a good idea because his ALP in on an increasing path already?

An orthopedic specialist is definitely an option. I would have taken him sooner but he had to have the ACTH and some other $$$ tests done first. He hasn't been to the lakefront in a couple of months but I am going to try to bring him tomorrow. Will update soon and let you all know if it was a success or not.

~Kat

[Harley PoMMom]

Those are great stim numbers!! With Tank's cortisol being within the therapeutic ranges I would try the deramaxx again especially since it helped him before. It may raise the ALP a bit more but if it does give him comfort I wouldn't worry so much about that ALP but I would keep monitoring those liver enzyme levels.

Denamarin should be given on a empty stomach to be absorbed properly. This excerpt is from the manufacturer's web site:
For optimal absorption, tablets should be given on an empty stomach, at least one hour before feeding, as the presence of food decreases the absorption of S-Adenosylmethionine.

http://www.nutramaxlabs.com/dog/dog-liver-health/denamarin-for-dogs

Hugs, Lori

[Squirt's Mom]

Great numbers! Good for you, Mom!

At one time I was very worried about Squirt's ALP but her IMS told me he wasn't the least bit concerned...and her number was in the 1000's. He said that simply told how hard the liver was working and, on its own, that all it meant. It was when the ALP in combination with the other liver values started elevating that he began to worry. He said the ALP represents living cells while the other values represent dying or dead cells. He had just come from a Cushing's conference where this very thing was a hot topic and the consensus was the same - the ALP on its own was not a big worry, only when the other values got involved did it indicate a problem with the organ. In our cush babies, the ALP is very often high and remains high, never to return to normal range...but the liver itself is fine. ;)

I used to make Squirt swim every day at least once, which she absolutely hated, but it did help with her arthritis. So if Tank likes to swim that would be great....it would be hard to control a reluctant dog in a lake I would think. ;) I would carry Squirt to the far side of the pool then beat her back to the other side and carry her back again, over and over. Tank is a bit bigger than Squirt, tho, plus she couldn't escape the pool on her own while Tank might be out of the lake and running back home before you could get out. :D

[molly muffin]

This might interest you Katherine. My vet said to use a dog treat that my molly loves and will move for, then make her take a few steps toward you, tell her to sit, give a piece of the treat. Repeat, repeat, repeat, moving her slowly forward and each time, the sit, then stand walk, sit then stand walk. It's like doing exercise for your legs to build muscle. Works the same way in dogs.
Another one that was mentioned is a blow up bed. Block the sides then throw a treat onto the bed so they have to walk up on it and use their legs to steady themselves to get the treat. Another way to build muscles. Some dogs will do it and some won't.

Just thoughts on the muscle issues, again, something we and most of us with cushing dogs are dealing with.

:)

[tank&kat]

Quick update:

Tank has a torn ACL ligament. I have had much time to think about things and can remember as far back as 12 months ago or longer that his right leg began shaking. It wasn't until recently that he began limping and then that continued to progress to the point he could hardly walk.

He was seen by an orthopedic specialist, had a lot of xrays, and the vet came to the conclusion that surgery is necessary in his case not only because of his size but because of how steep the angle is on the imaging. Nothing else was seen on imaging that was abnormal. The only arthritic changes are a result of the injury and are minimal. That's what I was told by the specialist. Kind of shocking, really.

I would appreciate if others can help me figure out what to do from here since it is not likely he will get surgery. Today he had his first episode of what I can only describe as unrelenting pain. He kept walking around and panting deep and heavy. He wouldn't lie down just kept "pacing" but not as fast. I gave him his deramaxx a few minutes before this episode began so the timing was perfect. He calmed down not long after the meds kicked in.

Just want to hear others experiences with this type of injury and Cushing's. Thanks everyone.

~Kat

[Whiskey's Mom]

Hi, I'm far from an expert but here's our success story. Last October, within weeks of his Cushings diagnosis, Whiskey tore his ACL. We were walking very close to our home (luckily) & he saw a pretzel laying on the road. He made lunge for it and yelped in pain. :eek: immediately began limping & somehow we made it home. I immediately called the vet & took him right up. She could tell right away it was his ACL & X-rays confirmed. Good news was his hips were great & no arthritis. We did not want to do surgery because of his age and vet mentioned probability of clots from cushings. So we decided to try laser therapy and very very limited activity. (Up to this point he was an extremely active dog despite his age) The laser was done 3x weekly for a few weeks then 2x weekly then 1x weekly. Now we're on a maintenance/as needed basis. (Maybe every 6-8 weeks)The effects of laser are cumulative so we saw lasting results. By 6 weeks he was no longer limping. Lifestyle changes: the vet said positively no steps, walks, jumps etc for at least 8 weeks so we pretty much lived in our downstairs family room With 1 low step to get outside. One of us slept down there so he wouldn't be alone. We ate down there- everything to make Whiskeys life easier. We only took him out on a leash. And we used a strap like harness to lift his back end into the car. (Still do) he was such trooper through it all & adjusted well to all the changes. Now we go on short walks & he's satisfied with that. He does steps and gets around really well for an oldster. It was a really overwhelming time for us and I wish I had known about this forum back then. Could really have used the support. Most of what I read online was pretty scary. Good luck & hope Tank is feeling better soon! Annie & Whiskey (also affectionately known as The Pretzel Dog)
Oh-our vet did laser on BOTH of his back legs not just the injured one. Because it's very common for a dog to tear the other ACL.

[labblab]

Hi Kat, gosh I'm sorry to hear this news. I'm so glad Whiskey's mom has been able to share their experience because it does seem very comparable to Tank's situation. I can share a couple of thoughts/reflections, although they may not be as directly relevant. But here goes, anyway!

My husband and I just lost our beloved non-Cushpup Lab, Peg, in June due to hip/knee issues that were irreversible without surgery. But these were some of the things I learned/observed during these past two years with her. In her case, her hips were the primary problem: we first became aware of severe dysplasia with associated arthritic changes via x-rays at the beginning of 2015. For various reasons, we did not feel as though we could opt for surgery. Instead, given her age, we just wanted to keep her as comfortable as possible for as long as we could.

At the beginning, when we also suspected possible ligament damage, our vet told us there is usually kind of a window of opportunity within which to consider surgery. If not, scar tissue will start to form which will aid with mobility for big dogs, but probably never allow for a full return of function. I don't know whether this corresponds with what the orthopedist told you, but just thought I'd throw that out there. It was a moot point for us, so our primary concern was comfort. The instinct of most dogs is to be stoic in the face of pain, and especially so for sporting or working dogs. So it can be a challenge to judge how much pain they're actually experiencing.

My huge dilemma with Peg was that, as her mobility worsened, I could not load her into the car. So our therapy options were limited. Otherwise, I would definitely have taken her for a rehab consultation in order to find out if there were therapies or exercise regimens that might have helped along the way (like laser, acupuncture, swimming, etc.). We were pretty much stuck with medication to ease her pain. And that's when we made the risk vs. benefit calculation. Although not a Cushpup, she also had reasons why NSAIDS were risky (liver potentially stressed by phenobarbital due to seizures, etc.). But we knew that, as a class, NSAIDS offered the best chance for pain relief in her situation. So we started daily Previcox, and we also had Tramadol on hand to add into the mix on bad days. The medication did make a big difference as far as improving her mobility, so we had to assume it was greatly easing the pain.

Aside from that, we made lifestyle changes just like Whiskey's mom. No stairs anymore. We even placed a ramp over our two front steps in order to eliminate any steps at all. We bought the same type of rear-end harness "lift" to help Peg when she needed assistance with standing up, and at the end to support her when she squatted to go to the bathroom. With the combo of pain meds and lifestyle changes, she still enjoyed a good quality of life until nearly her 12th birthday. On bad days, she mainly rested in the house. But on good days she still enjoyed short neighborhood walks. And she always still enjoyed holding one of her soft squeaky toys or her favorite balls (or her dad's socks!).

So, bottom line, if surgery is not an option, I'd consult with the orthopedist about possible rehab options and also the safest combo of pain meds, recognizing that there are risks that you are assuming with the meds. We continued to carefully monitor Peg's liver and kidney function, and thankfully never saw evidence of medication-related damage. But given Tank's age though, just like with Peg, I'd go ahead and choose immediate comfort above all else and give the meds on a regular daily basis if they seem to help. I would not wait to see evidence of pain -- I'd be proactive and try to stay ahead of it on a daily basis.

Whatever you decide, I wish you guys the best of luck. And we'll be anxious to hear updates.

Marianne

[molly muffin]

Hi Katherine, I hope some of these options can help Tank. He's such a beautiful guy. Great attitude through everything.

[tank&kat]

Thank you so much for all of the advice and concern. Much of it has been useful. Unfortunately, Tank has not been well enough for me to consider surgery or anything to fix his leg right now. He had an episode this past weekend, where he was walking in circles for a couple of hours and then the day after that, he walked around for 7 hours panting heavily, peeing and drinking a ton. Those were the worst two days.

The last couple of weeks, he has been going outside and getting stuck in places where I have had to physically pick him up and get him to safety or navigate him out of the area. Not easy. I had thought he was having trouble because of his torn ACL before the circling began. There are a lot of small spaces to get stuck into in my yard so I figured he could not maneuver his way out without hurting his leg.

It has all been pretty difficult. I am at least glad to see him not need to walk for 7 hours straight but he is walking and pacing every few hours and going up to the walls just staring at nothing. He also licked his pee a couple of times which was weird. Can someone share their experience with macro tumors? I could do research and go back for information in this forum. I can tell he doesn't have much time left and just want to spend that time with him right now. He has PU/PD, USG was 1.007 two days ago. He has sort of always been incontinent with periods of control and times with lack of control. Sometime early this month he began to pee on himself and not get up. PU/PD began almost simultaneously as the circling episode. Also, he hasn't been eating much so I have stopped giving vetoryl.

Thank you!

~Kat

[labblab]

Oh gosh, Kat, I'm so sorry to hear about these changes in Tank. Without imaging there is no way to know for certain whether or not they are related to a macrotumor. But I must admit, his behavior does sound quite suspicious :o.

Since you are wanting to hear some personal descriptions of the macro experience, here's a link to a relevant thread here:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3567

You'll see that I am one of the writers, because I do believe my beloved Cushpup, Barkis, suffered from an enlarging macrotumor.
When you're ready, go ahead and look through this thread and then please feel free to ask more questions, or just share your thoughts and worries. From my own experience, I know how heart-breaking these changes can be. And above all, I know you are wanting to spend the best quality of time with Tank that is within your power to give. So have a look, and then get back to us.

Big hugs coming your way,
Marianne

[tank&kat]

Thank you for that link Marianne. I do know of Barkis but not enough that he suffered from a macro :( I will get to reading this tonight when Tank is asleep.

~Kat

[Joan2517]

I'm so sorry too, Kat...

[tank&kat]

I'm so sorry too, Kat...

Thank you Joan. I am trying to be strong for him

[tank&kat]

Marianne,

I didn't have to read much to see the similarities in symptoms. It broke my heart hearing how Barkis couldn't drink water. Tank always had consistent times throughout the day he would drink water. Now, he seems to only want to drink during his pacing & circling episodes. When he is lying down, I sometimes bring him his water bowl (did this even before all of this happened) but he doesn't drink much and his head moves in a slow motion towards the bowl, eyes half way closed. I have seen one eye open and the other closed a few times. I have even had my hand on his head just above his eye and felt a rapid pulsating/twitching sensation under the skin.

The two days he had the longest circling and pacing episodes, I saw his eyes move really fast back and forth. I thought that could have meant a vestibular issue but the vet ruled out an ear infection and he is not improved much in the last 6 days.

Did Barkis come to you and look you straight in the eyes during the pacing like he was trying to tell you something? Tank did that twice recently and that worries me. Do you think treating with steroids is a good option?

~Kat

[Joan2517]

Thank you Joan. I am trying to be strong for him

I know you are, Kat...but it's hard to do when you don't know what to do. I'll be thinking of you and Tank and hoping for some improvement.

Joan

[labblab]

Awww Kat, I remain so sorry about what you two are going through. No, I can't say I had a similar experience with Barkis as far as the attempt at communication that you are describing. As time went on, he became more and more preoccupied within himself. He would still always allow us to pet him or hug him, but towards the end he really stopped engaging with us in return and his attention seemed to be turned largely inward.

Steroids were not suggested to us at that time, and so I have no personal experience with that. During these intervening years, a few members have been given pred to use with their dogs in similar situations, and the pred may indeed help reduce the inflammation in the brain. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about appropriate dosing for this purpose, though. Perhaps your vet might be able to consult with a neurologist re: the best steps forward.

Again, I can well imagine how tough it is for you right now. Please know that we will stay right by your side and you can come back and write to us at any time, OK?

Marianne

[tank&kat]

He's gone. He told me it was too much so I let him go last night. I feel like I am in shock. I came home last night but today still felt like I wasn't ready to let him go so I drove back to the vet clinic. Can't seem to leave. Not many words tonight except none of this feels real.

[LauraA]

It is so hard :( First Molly and now Tank have gone to the rainbow Journey, two dogs that had that special something about them. Whilst you know you did what you had to do so your boy didn't suffer, it doesn't make it any easier on you. The grief is immense and all consuming as was your love for one another.

[DoxieMama]

Oh I am so sorry...

[labblab]

Oh Kat, my heart absolutely goes out to you. As hard as it must have been to write these words, I am so grateful you've come back to tell us. I hope so much you will let us do our best to support you right now. You gave Tank your final gift of release, but now you are paying the price yourself, fully and completely. Shock and numbness may slowly give way to pure and absolute grief. At least, that's the way it worked for me :o. So as time goes on, please know that we are always here for you. To listen, to talk, to rant and rail, to cry, to remember alongside you. And perhaps most importantly of all, to join you in honoring your brave, sweet, precious boy.

Sending many hugs to you, this second morning after. Awakening each morning and realizing yet again what has happened has always been the hardest time for me, myself. So please know this morning that you are not alone.

Marianne

[Joan2517]

I'm so sorry, Kat. It's unbearable, we all know that. My heart goes out to you.

You did the right thing, but it never feels like the right thing. We want them back, but back the way they used to be before they got sick...they are just not here long enough, but they never leave our hearts and minds. I still cry for Lena every day and wish we could do a "do over".

You loved him and he loved you...in the end that's what we have to hold on to.

Praying for you....
Joan

[Squirt's Mom]

I'm so glad you came here to tell you family about Tank. He was special here, too, and will be missed.

When you talked about going back to the vet clinic it made me think of when my dad passed. I had spent the previous several months staying with him in the hospital and it was so hard to leave the hospital after he passed. Part of me knew he wasn't there any longer but I kept thinking it was a mistake, someone somewhere had goofed, and my dad would be brought back just any time. At his burial, I couldn't get up out of my chair and go home - I just kept sitting there with him like I had for so long. Just sitting and making sure nothing bothered him, that he didn't need anything, talking to him like I had every day for the previous months.

When Squirt passed, I followed the vet's vehicle out to the road thinking they would stop just any moment, open the door and let her out to come back to me. But they just kept driving further and further away. If my brother hadn't been with me, I guess I would have followed as far as I could, still hoping that door would open.

Tank knows how much you miss him and your baby boy is watching over you now, just as you watched over him for so long. He is so very grateful for your gift. He feels so very good today, he had forgotten what it felt like to feel as he does now and is grateful to you for giving that back to him.

Know you are not alone - many here understand. We are here anytime you need to talk, to cry, to scream - we understand.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Trinket, Sophie, Fox and all our angels.



A Special Gift

They're a very special gift, to be cherished and loved;
You're chosen for each other by God Himself above.
It's a match made in heaven so it can't be wrong;
You're tied together by a bond that's oh so strong.

All they'll ever ask from you is to be loved and fed,
And at night make sure they have fresh water and a bed.
In return, for so little, the rewards are so great!
You'll get a companion for life with some very special traits.

When you are lost and the end seems so far away
They'll walk by your side, they'll help you find your way.
When life gets you down they can put a smile on your face
As they run you in circles with their fast pace.

You'll share the good with the bad, you'll be happy and sad;
And through it all you have a friend, the best you ever had.
You're time together will be special and unique;
It will be as priceless to you as a rare antique.

Then, before you know it, the day will arrive
When suddenly your life takes a steep dive.
The furry friend who's been with you for all of these years
Has now passed on and left you in tears.

As you sit and wonder what did I do?
Why is this all happening to you?
Into each of our lives a little rain must fall,
And you must be strong to answer the call.

Your little one's spirit has flown home on the wings of a dove,
To a special place that awaits them in heaven above.
St. Francis will meet them; when they get home
He will take them to a meadow where they're free to roam.

There in the meadows, down by the pond,
Your furry friend will remember his loving bond.
He'll look into the water, then you appear;
He can see you're frightened, he can feel your fear.

Through the bond that still ties you from heaven above
He looks down upon you, he sends you his love.
Because you loved him and because you care
Whenever you need him, he'll always be there.

There, in the meadows, they patiently wait for the day
When you will celebrate your life together, each and every day.
Waiting for that day; when you come walking back home
When together for an eternity through the meadows you'll roam.

Author Unknown

[Joan2517]

Leslie, where do you find all these beautiful poems? They touch the heart and speak to our feelings...

[labblab]

He is so very grateful for your gift. He feels so very good today, he had forgotten what it felt like to feel as he does now and is grateful to you for giving that back to him.
Leslie, thank you so much for that. I am missing my Peg and Barkis very much again this morning, too, and reading what you've said does ease the weight in my own heart a bit. I hope it will help Kat, too. I close my eyes and picture all our babies strong and happy once again and forever.

[Allison]

Kat, hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Tank. The day after my husband and I had to let our adopted senior Gizmo go nothing felt real either. We were numb and in a daze. The time ahead will be hard and I'll be thinking of you. Remember we're all here for you as you grieve.

[judymaggie]

My deepest condolences, Kat -- it is so very hard to do the one thing that our pups need at their most difficult time. I know that Molly and our other angels were waiting for Tank and gave him a rousing greeting!

[tank&kat]

It is so hard :( First Molly and now Tank have gone to the rainbow Journey, two dogs that had that special something about them. Whilst you know you did what you had to do so your boy didn't suffer, it doesn't make it any easier on you. The grief is immense and all consuming as was your love for one another.

I know! Molly hasn't even been gone two weeks. They are very close together wherever they are.

[tank&kat]

Oh Kat, my heart absolutely goes out to you. As hard as it must have been to write these words, I am so grateful you've come back to tell us. I hope so much you will let us do our best to support you right now. You gave Tank your final gift of release, but now you are paying the price yourself, fully and completely. Shock and numbness may slowly give way to pure and absolute grief. At least, that's the way it worked for me :o. So as time goes on, please know that we are always here for you. To listen, to talk, to rant and rail, to cry, to remember alongside you. And perhaps most importantly of all, to join you in honoring your brave, sweet, precious boy.

Sending many hugs to you, this second morning after. Awakening each morning and realizing yet again what has happened has always been the hardest time for me, myself. So please know this morning that you are not alone.

Marianne

I don't feel so alone now. I don't know how I would be handling all of this if you all weren't here. I tried going home earlier today and was excited to see him but as soon as my hand touched the door, I realized he wasn't going to be there. I held my breath and left again. I don't want to cry yet.

He has been with me for most of my life. I can not believe he is gone.

[tank&kat]

You loved him and he loved you...in the end that's what we have to hold on to.

Praying for you....
Joan

I am really trying to focus on that. It's not easy. Lena is a beautiful, especially the picture of her on the sofa. I wish I could have known her.

[tank&kat]

I'm so glad you came here to tell your family about Tank. He was special here, too, and will be missed.

That means a lot. Your experience watching the vet's car, hoping they would stop and let her out... That's just how I felt. I also thought that he would somehow wake up and be in the building all alone so I went to the door a few times to listen for him. And just like with your dad, I felt like I couldn't get up to leave. His bed was really comfortable and smelled like him. I did not want to leave without him.

[tank&kat]

My deepest condolences, Kat -- it is so very hard to do the one thing that our pups need at their most difficult time. I know that Molly and our other angels were waiting for Tank and gave him a rousing greeting!

Thank you Judy, I also believe they were waiting for him.

[Whiskey's Mom]

Dear Kat,
Just came to check on Tank's ACL injury and saw all this. I'm truly so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. My heart breaks for you.
Annie

[Joan2517]

I am really trying to focus on that. It's not easy. Lena is a beautiful, especially the picture of her on the sofa. I wish I could have known her.

She was my everything, Kat. I don't remember much before she came to us as this tiny 1.5lb puppy. My world revolved around her. It hurts, but I have found myself smiling sometimes when I think of her and when I look at pictures, but that took months to happen...and there are days when I just can't.

But the rest of them still need me, especially Sibbie who is just a baby...and Doree is getting old and needing more attention. I think Gable is the only one who still misses her or he feels that I do, and he gets sad, so I try not to let him see me cry. He's my rock!

Your pain is still so fresh, Kat...just let it happen. My friend, Connie, always said that when you get older, one bout of crying and you have to hide in the house for three days until the swelling goes down. I've done a lot of hiding since Lee died...

Thinking of you,
Joan

[molly muffin]

Katherine, I want more than anything to believe and so I do, that Molly and Tank are running around and playing like crazy with all their dog friends. No more pain, no more anything bad, just happy puppies again. At their very best. That they watch over us and make sure that their people are okay.
I understand the not wanting to go inside the house. It's the most horrible part, until you open the door and know that actually being inside is even worse than standing outside.

[tank&kat]

Missing him more right now than the day he left. I am so broken. I wrote this about him 9 months ago.

Scared to feel
the unimaginable
of bearing witness to your pain
what will happen in that moment
will I brake like glass or show you that I am brave

It's just not fair
there is nothing else I can say
I have prepared myself knowing
my soul will leave with you on that day

Don't take your last breath
unless you can no longer fight
Don't close your eyes without knowing
you are the only light in my life

And In that moment
When the dark changes to light,
Go peacefully with the knowledge
That I will be your best friend
In the wake of your next life

[Joan2517]

That is so pretty, Kat.

I know...there are days that I just can't do anything but think of Lena and I miss her so much. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading them...my first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby girl, and she just loved holidays! The company, the food, the excitement....

Sending comforting thoughts to you, dear Kat~

[labblab]

Oh Kat, your poem is so touching and beautiful, and I thank you for sharing it with us. I wish so much that I could give you a real, genuine, huge hug right now. The next best thing I can offer you, though, is an invitation to stop by this thread at any time you might wish to do so in the coming weeks:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3790

We miss our babies every single day, but I think the holiday season can make the pain even more piercing. You'll see I'm already blabbing away on that thread about my Peg :o, and if you'd ever care to join us there at our "holiday house," there's always room for another chair at the table... Always.

Marianne

[apollo6]

Dear Kat
I looked at th pictures of Tank. You can see he had a loving happy life. A beautiful boy. It is never enough time to have these fur balls. They make us better people. Tank will always be in your heart and soul. The one thing you want is to have him back. No words I can say will make it better. Sending you love support and prayers.
Sonja and Apollo

[tank&kat]

That is so pretty, Kat.

I know...there are days that I just can't do anything but think of Lena and I miss her so much. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading them...my first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby girl, and she just loved holidays! The company, the food, the excitement....

Sending comforting thoughts to you, dear Kat~

I didn't even think of the holidays yet. I had a hard time last Christmas because I kind of knew it would be our last one together (that's when I wrote that poem). I am sure I will be here when that time comes again. I don't even feel like myself anymore :(

[Joan2517]

My Christmas tree was still up when she died in February. After that, I couldn't stand the sight of it anymore, knowing it had been her last Christmas with me. I don't even want to put it up this year.

But, I have two grandsons who will be expecting the holidays to be the way they always are, and it will be Sibbie's first Christmas with us...I will pretend, smile, and go through the motions. But at night, I will cry myself to sleep thinking of all our holidays together and how much Lena enjoyed them. Especially the quiet early mornings of Christmas, after the Christmas Eve guests had left and she would watch me put the gifts out for Christmas morning and then we would just lay on the couch together looking at the tree, listening to Christmas music, just the two of us, my little heart baby, my precious angel.

I wish I could put my feelings into beautiful words the way you did, Kat.

[molly muffin]

I don't know how we'll get through Christmas either.

:( Your poem though is quite lovely. Anything written from the heart usually is.

[tank&kat]

Oh Kat, your poem is so touching and beautiful, and I thank you for sharing it with us. I wish so much that I could give you a real, genuine, huge hug right now. The next best thing I can offer you, though, is an invitation to stop by this thread at any time you might wish to do so in the coming weeks:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3790

We miss our babies every single day, but I think the holiday season can make the pain even more piercing. You'll see I'm already blabbing away on that thread about my Peg :o, and if you'd ever care to join us there at our "holiday house," there's always room for another chair at the table... Always.

Marianne

I can feel that hug. You always know just what to say. I browsed through the holiday house thread... it is such a wonderful idea and I love that everyone is there to support each other even during those busy times.

[tank&kat]

Dear Kat
I looked at th pictures of Tank. You can see he had a loving happy life. A beautiful boy. It is never enough time to have these fur balls. They make us better people. Tank will always be in your heart and soul. The one thing you want is to have him back. No words I can say will make it better. Sending you love support and prayers.
Sonja and Apollo

That is so true. I want him back. Not in any pain but the way he was years ago, when he was healthy and loved waking up every day. Thank you for checking out his pictures. I wish I would have taken more pics in his younger years.

[tank&kat]

I don't know how we'll get through Christmas either.

:( Your poem though is quite lovely. Anything written from the heart usually is.

Thank you Sharlene... and we will get through it together.

[molly muffin]

Katherine I feel exactly the same as you. I want molly back. Back the way she was feeling good, playful, miss diva bossing us around. I know I can't have it, but it but knowing doesn't make me not want it.

[tank&kat]

50 days... are you kidding? It feels like a couple of weeks. Why can't I "feel" him, his presence? Why am I not thinking about him as much as before? There was no bond like the bond we shared. How can that be gone so fast? I still cry. Not as hard and not nearly as much. I always did have a difficult time processing emotions. Anything that is too overwhelming is put up and locked far away in my mind to protect me from feeling too much pain. That's not where Tank belongs.

[labblab]

Kat, I remember feeling so guilty the first day I realized I hadn't cried after my Barkis died. It seemed as though my tears were my last true connection with him and I felt like I had betrayed him horribly by making it through an entire day without crying. So then I felt even worse than I had before, just in a different way.

I think grief takes on many forms as the days go by. We do still have to function in the world after all, so our "defenses" can be very important. Just in order to cope at all some days, we have to file away the emotions for another day or another time. You are very wise, though, to realize that it is not good to head off in the other extreme and bury the feelings for good. The huge trick is to be able to balance things, especially at a time when your world has been rocked to the core.

The one thing of which I am certain is that your bond with Tank will never die even though its form may change. I am so glad you are coming back to talk to us, and to help others here (Yup, I've noticed your posts this weekend ;)). I am hoping so much this will keep on feeling like a safe place to talk. Because as you keep on writing, I'm guessing that you will also end up unlocking some of your feelings, too. And we will be right here to walk by your side.

Marianne

[molly muffin]

Big hugs katherine. I agree with Marianne. Grief takes different forms and life in general doesn't usually let us dwell on grieving probably as long as we really need to.

[tank&kat]

I can't cry but really want to. Staring at my wall remembering how just two days before he passed, he walked up to me and pushed his head in my lap. I still don't know whether it was head pressing or not but I know he didn't feel well at all. He had never come to me for comfort/affection in his life. He wasn't that type of dog. I knew it wouldn't be long after that happened. I remember mostly good things but I don't like remembering things like this.

[labblab]

Memories like that are really rough, that's for sure :o. Super big hugs being sent your way, Kat.

Marianne

[Joan2517]

Oh, those are really hard, Katherine....I keep remembering that last night at the clinic. Lena so agitated in the oxygen tank. I should have stayed.

Maybe she was saying goodbye, or she wanted me to stay because she knew she was going to die....I'll never know, and it weighs on me and makes me even sadder.

[molly muffin]

I do think that as time passes we tend to only remember most vividly the good memories. The bad ones seem to fade more, at least it did with my golden.
It's been so many years now that she has been gone, but I remember things like her eating an apple or japanese pear, all around the core, or how she thought she was a 65 lb lap dog, or going fishing with me. The escape artist she was and the cops bringing her home in the back seat of the police cruiser because she escaped again! She had quite the following too. The bad stuff, well, her brilliant personality and fun loving ways and kindness, she was a kind dog, that over shadows the bad stuff completely. The later years were not truly her and if anything I remember that she dealt with all of it with her calm, dignified, tail wagging way. She was a golden retriever to the end.

I think that is how eventually you will remember Tank the most. The fun he had, the way he played, the moments that where his and yours alone. Those are what made him your wonderful friend and companion all those years and that is what you will, I hope, think of the most.