"Mah Boy" Keesh the Wonder Dog

[spdd]

As I read through these memory threads, I know the tears that have been shed would probably fill an ocean.

It was a month today you left me, and I'm just as raw with emotion over you as if it was just a minute ago you said goodbye.

I miss you walking through the shower after I was finished, licking the plain yogurt container, lifting your head from your bowl wondering if I was going to add more chicken... the excitement when seeing your towel bag knowing we were going for swim therapy, nosing your leash to let me know you wanted to go out and once the leash was on putting it in your mouth to pull me out the door. All your toys you used to run and get for guests, once you saw they were there for a visit. Soooo many memories that right now cannot make me smile but only bring the biggest heartache and tears anyone can imagine.

It is so hard to come here and write all these things about you, as it only brings on the tears that I have so much trouble trying to control.
Miss you and love you every single day...

[spdd]

Not much better even today, but thought about you specifically when still that one errant sock goes missing. Can't blame you anymore baby boy. Everyday more memories that make me cry. Sure hope sometime soon Mommy can smile thinking about you.

[spdd]

Everytime I come on here "fat boy" Mommy starts to cry. I am going to give this a rest for a bit until I can pull myself together. Miss you and love you more then anyone knows.

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Judy, Keesh sure was a special boy and his mommy sure is special too. Losing them is so very hard, so I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that we do understand how you are feeling and we share that pain with you.

Sending huge and loving hugs you way, Lori

[spdd]

Thank you so much. It means the world to me, it really does. Lighting a memory candle or writing here just sends me into a tailspin and I had no idea I could cry so many tears. It's awful for sure, and I'm hoping somehow I can move on. I'm trying, but my next hurdle is going home which will either kill me or prove I can take another step in this oh so lonely heartbreaking experience.

[molly muffin]

When do you come home Judi?

I imagine it will be a very hard home coming no matter how you look at it, but I think the break from the house must have done some good. I hope so anyhow.
Keesh was a huge presence. There is no way to get past that quickly unfortunately. :(

Know we are thinking of you and Keesh.
hugs

[spdd]

Heading home the first week of January then be looking diligently for a new place to live somewhere that is comfortable, cause where I am just isn't it. Will be watching the road conditions so it may take a few days if the weather is bad.

[Squirt's Mom]

I hope when you do return home you find that the memories tied to that place bring you smiles and peace instead of deeper anguish. No matter where you are, Keesh is with you, where ever you go, he will be with you. You will cry and cry a lot for some time but it does get better. Just let it come; it's part of the healing process so let it flow, let your tears wash your Soul, cleanse your wound. What you and Keesh shared is deserving of each and every tear. Before long, you will find yourself smiling at some memory, then you will cry because you smiled. But then the smiles will come more often and the tears a bit less.

And you know you always have a soft spot to fall here with us, sweetie.

[spdd]

Merry Christmas baby boy!!!! Mommy isn't celebrating this year for many reasons, but the biggest one is because you aren't here.

[Trish]

Merry Christmas Judi... hard one for you but you are going to get heaps of hugs from all of us... big wink to Keesh up there, such a special boy!! xxx

[spdd]

Thank you and Merry Christmas to you as well. I'm just spending a very quiet night in the hotel room. Will skype that grandkids tomorrow and then Christmas will almost be over. I sure hope next year I get the spirit back. All the very best to you and yours.

[molly muffin]

I am sure you will get the spirit back when you least expect it my dear friend. As they say you just have to find your sea legs again. For this season is a season of joy and celebrating what we have along with remembering those whom we have lost. How bright they made our world just by sharing it with us and that they were a gift. One that walked the path with us for much to short of a time but whom made the path a little brighter while they shared it with us.

Love

[addy]

Big hugs Judi, thinking of you and your boy. Holidays are hard, I think just even as we get older, they get harder for some reason. Couple that with a devastating loss and well, they aren't very merry or bright.

Sometimes we may find a glimmer of the holidays when we are not looking if we keep our hearts open.

I think of you often. Enjoy skyping with the grandkids. We did FaceTime on Christmas Eve, a first for us, everyone had the flu. It was different but fun once I figured out how to do it:o

[Squirt's Mom]

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

[apollo6]

Take care. Wrap yourself in the memories. Keesh will always be a part of you.
Sonja and Apollo

[spdd]

Another miserable day here in this place. Never snowed for 5 weeks when I took my sabbatical, and now it hasn't stopped snowing and blowing for a solid week never mind the deep freeze. I know baby boy you wouldn't have managed well in this weather at all but sure hope you are warm, safe and happy where you are now. Love and miss you terribly every single day and almost every minute of every single day. Mommy cries all the time for you and sometimes I think literally my heart is going to break.

[Shelby01]

I know how you feel. I have cried every day since I said goodbye to my Wrangell. If I'm bring honest, I started crying for him weeks before too. I feel frustrated. I just don't want to move on without him. I want to just go back to when he was happy and healthy.
It helps me to know he is no longer in pain - although I get angry thinking about how he left me too soon. How much time is enough?
My uncle told me, the deeper the love, the deeper the pain. How can it be any other way? His sentiment has helped me understand why I am grieving so deeply and it hurts so badly. I hope it can help you too.

[spdd]

2 months today "poopers" and just as raw as if it were yesterday. Funny I couldn't remember Mommy and Daddy's anniversary date ever, then I realized only a couple of weeks ago that you left me on our anniversary date. There isn't an anniversary anymore, but the date now is embedded for life. So miss you baby boy... and my heart has been torn apart. I try to go on and I don't do too bad a job outwardly but deep down, I'm still completely shattered.

[addy]

Hugs Judi, thinking of you. Every time I look at my Koko I remember how you always call Keesh "mah boy", makes me think of you both. I think that is a gift you both gave me and I'm so glad to have the memory.

Love ya

[spdd]

I even have "mah boy" as part of passwords I use - not giving any secrets away... there's more then just those words. He's as much a part of everything I do even still today, and sometimes I am in an almost uncontrollable weeping session, no... downright crying session. Yesterday I cooked a roasted chicken.. first time since he's been gone. I was at a loss as to what to do with parts of the chicken he loved. Gosh... not a day goes by something does bring him to the forefront at the least unexpected times. I sure hope this ache dulls soon, it's almost unbearable and it is a physical ache.

[addy]

I understand the ache, for me, I learned to live with it and distract myself. Still so new for you.

Some things we work through, some things we bury. I knew I did not deal with my father's death, boy after 15 years I found some of his clothes and did that make me acutely aware of how I suppressed the hurt.

Maybe it is better to feel the pain now, go through the mourning.

Love you

[Squirt's Mom]

Squirt's name is also a large part of much of my life - she is all around me in many forms. For a while, this was almost more than I could bear but now most of the time it brings me comfort, much comfort. That took some time, tho. I don't think I will ever be able to sign a post here using all the other babies names but not hers, tho. I fall to pieces every time. THAT is just wrong to me - that I can no longer sign, "Leslie, Squirt, Trinket..." I can't find a way to make that one ok. :(

[spdd]

Hi baby boy.... Mommy heard this today, and instantly thought of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51PPe6Vbk40

[spdd]

Hiya puppers. Valentine's day went by very quietly here as it was the 3 month anniversary since you left. I cannot believe even yet you are gone let alone 3 months already. Terribly lonely without you baby boy.

[molly muffin]

Judi. (((Hugs)))

[addy]

Big hugs, Judi, shared tears too.

[apollo6]

Dear Judi
Wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. Grief overpowers you. But it doesn't mean you should suppress your feelings or lose. You lost a part of you when Keesh died. And yes it will take time to heal. But Kessh will always be in your hurt. So grieve in your own way. It has been over 2 1/2 years since my baby, Apollo passed and I still cry at times and will always miss him. We are here for you. I even went to a pet parent grief support group at the humane society. It comforted me to know I wasn't crazy and I could grieve. It takes as long as it does .
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[spdd]

Hey puppers... spoke to a sitter of yours today and told her your story of what happened on your last day here. Cried like it was just today that it happened. You have more then a piece of my heart baby boy.... you have most of it. Miss you so, so much and would give anything to see you if even for a minute. Mommy is lonely, I wake up, eat, sleep, watch tv, shop, and everything else we did together and now without you here is the worst feeling ever. Not sure how to get over this, not sure if I want to, but I know you will never be here again, and I have to deal with it somehow. I am existing that's all not living as I can't find much joy in anything since you've been gone.

[spdd]

Mommy is moving away from this place that became just a "sad place".Hope the bad memories fade once I'm gone. Miss you so much and wish you were with me on this new adventure. Everytime I see a place to move to, there's a yard that you would have loved to explore. Sure hope this is the answer for me to move on relatively normal once I'm out of here. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and just yesterday looked at so many old pictures of you. Life was so much easier when you were here. Love you poopers.

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Judi, I don't know if the feelings of missing them ever goes away, I too, miss my boys terribly still. All that we can do is put one foot in the front of the other every day, and deal with that pain of losing them, every day.

I do believe a "change in scenery" can do a heart wonders, so I will be wishing that for you. Sending huge loving hugs to you dear Judi, and know your family here will always be here to support you,

Love and hugs, Lori

[molly muffin]

Judi! Sending you hugs! I agree, I don't think we get over them at all. I think we adapt because we must, not because we want to. I do hope you find a nice place in a nice area where you can find some peace and happiness. What areas are you looking in?

[spdd]

Just going to go somewhere that I can afford to pay cash. Windsor area is looking the most promising right now. Was going to go to New Brunswick where my brother is.. but he's going to move back to Ontario within a year, so that's out. I feel like a complete vagabond and have now for a year. If I don't get settled somewhere soon, I'm worried about my frame of mind. I'm tired of moving and just want some place permanent.

[molly muffin]

Windsor, hmm, yes I did see prices are better there. The closer you get to Toronto and to the summer cottage areas, the more expensive it gets.

You do have to find some place you can settle and enjoy your life. Do you have friends in Windsor?

[spdd]

Hey puppers. I'm packing once again to leave this place that only has such sad, sad memories. I held you today, gave you a kiss and cried like it was just today that I lost you. I cannot believe it has been 5 months already..and the loss, sadness and tears just never diminish. My heart aches for you baby boy....you were the world to me.

Sharlene... going to Elliot Lake on Wednesday to look around. Windsor has just too much older housing for my price bracket.

[Trish]

Hi Judi - hope you have settled into your new place and are ready to make a whole new set of memories. Big hugs x and a kiss winging its way to doggy heaven for the lovely Keesh! :)

[spdd]

Thank you.. I pulled down my photo of Keesh on my facebook page when he died as I just couldn't look at it. A couple of days ago, I put his beautiful picture back up... with the comment "what I'd give to see this face one more time and give him a hug" and the minute I did it I got into a huge weeping session again. It's been now just over 6 months which I just can't fathom at all... and yet the grief is just as raw as if it were yesterday... it just doesn't come quite as often.

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending loving and comforting hugs, dear Judi.

[Squirt's Mom]

I understand completely. A year later and I am still left breathless at times by reality.

[spdd]

If they only knew just how much of our heart is torn and completely shattered at just the thought of them.

[Budsters Mom]

Hi Judi,

It has been almost 2 years since Buddy flew. It's not easier. I don't know if it ever will be. It's just different. Be gentle with yourself. There are no rules. We all just stumble along doing the best we can.

Hugs,
Kathy

[molly muffin]

They do take our hearts and make it their own. I also believe they allow our hearts to expand, to welcome in pure innocent joy and when they leave us our hearts remain huge. Loving them still missing them all that much more. All the more for having been allowed to share a time with them.

As Kathy said. Be good to yourself. Keesh would want you no other way than who you are and that is a very good person indeed.

[spdd]

I moved Keesh's ashes today, they are coming with me as the rest of my stuff goes into storage. Completely broke down, and even writing this the tears are uncontrollable. I never in my life thought I could be so heartbroken for so long a time. I looked at his precious paw print and just fell to the floor and wept. I heard you can die from a broken heart, and this just might be one of those times.

[spdd]

Hey baby boy. Today it is 7 months since Mommy said goodbye. So hard to comprehend that all this time I haven't had you here with me. Miss you more and more everyday.... you were/are so loved. Wish you were here now to be by my side. Love you puppers.

[spdd]

Sadly the candle lighting page has changed, and it made everything more difficult to get to. I will keep a candle lit for you puppers starting August 1 when I get to my new place. Miss you and even today there were tears for you.... love you so, so much.

[spdd]

Hey puppers.... we had a family reunion on the weekend, and there were 5 dogs there, and another I was with before I ended up at the Shiloh Ranch.... made me miss you so much as you would have loved it. I was given a Norman Rockwell design statue of 2 kids bathing a dog and when I turned it over it said "In memory of Keesh" ---- I lost it right there and then and had to excuse myself from everyone. Kind of glad it was family only. I had to leave it in the car 2 days before I could look at it again, but it will have a place of honour somewhere in my new home along with your urn and paw print. Even typing this note, I weep. Love you more then ever.....

[spdd]

Well baby boy... it's been awhile since I wrote here and so much has happened. Yesterday was the anniversary of you being gone 9 months, yet is still feels like 9 minutes. I cry everytime I light a candle for you, and just 2 days ago when I thought I was doing ok... I started weeping in the grocery store seeing the huge aisles of pet things they have here in the PC supercenter. Mommy is completely alone in a city where she knows absolutely no one, and it's pretty far for people to come and see me, so if I needed you before, I sure need you now more then ever. What I would give to share this new experience with you.... but I never will. I am still shattered over losing you, but I do ok most of the time. Love you sweet peas... with all my heart.

[mytil]

big (((((hugs))))) Judi!
Terry

[apollo6]

Sending you hugs. Keesh will always be in your heart and soul
Sonja,Angel Apollo,Angel Karma,Ariel

[spdd]

It has taken me 9 months to write this letter to Gateway Pet Memorials but I finally was able to write it today... with many, many tears flowing.

The title was " Many, Many Thanks

It has taken 9 months to send this letter, but finally I can do it. On November 14, 2014 my ever beloved dog “Keesh” of 15 years was put down in the coldest and cruellest fashion that I believe anyone could experience with a veterinarian.
At the same time I was going through a divorce, selling my dream home, selling my business and in general having a terrible time, then the death of the dog occurred just 2 weeks into my move to a new town. To say I was devastated doesn’t even come close. This dog was a therapy dog to so many, including myself and thousands upon thousands of dollars was spent to give this dog the best health possible including hydrotherapy. I believe and no one will convince me differently that the new veterinarian directly caused the immediate deterioration of “mah boy” as he was alert, happy and hungry right till the end.

Anyway, this letter is to let you know that without a doubt, if it hadn’t been for the absolute kindness shown by your staff to me in the darkest time of my life, I’m sure that a rubber room was in the very near future. You treated not only me, but my cherished boy with such dignity, respect and genuine caring, that I will never, ever forget. As I type this, tears are streaming down my face not only from sadness but with gratitude for what and how you were. The veterinarian handed me my dog as if he was a frozen turkey.... you on the other hand went to my car, had a gurney and treated him as if he was something that was deeply cherished, which he was and still is. My last memory of him at the veterinarians was horrendous, but because I got to see him at your facility... he looked 10 years younger and was my beautiful boy once again. You have no idea how much I needed to see him after such an horrendous sight at the veterinarians.

As I think about his untimely death and the grief it causes.... I am actually comforted knowing how Gateway treated not only the dog but especially myself.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the way you were with me, and the way you are. I have recommended your services to many, many people and in such a tragic time, you were the only comfort that I have known and I still reflect on that almost every day.

Note: The comfort part from them was in person.... there was much comfort shown on this forum.

[molly muffin]

That is a lovely letter Judi and I know a very hard one to write. Just remembering kindness can touch a persons heart.

Big hugs Judi! I hope you are settling into your new home.

[spdd]

Hey puppers. Today marks the 10th month you have been gone but the heartache is just as raw as the day you left. Everytime I come on this forum and read about another furbaby that has passed, it breaks my heart and I relive again your last day with me. Never thought that this would tear me apart so badly, and if you can die from a broken heart, you being gone will do it. I have tried to get myself back together, but it isn't working and no matter where I go you are foremost in my thoughts. I still cannot go to a store without losing it if I see the pet aisle. Therapy isn't going to help, it isn't going to bring you back. I don't know why I can't snap out of this, I am trying.. but something else happens the reminds me of you and throws me right back to where I was and I try to start all over again. Mommy misses you more then she ever missed anything in her life. Even lighting your candle will put me in tears.. so I'm wondering if I need to stay away from here for awhile or is this therapy? I don't know, all I know is that it doesn't get any easier without you....

[labblab]

Oh Judi, I am so sorry for this pain that still rips your heart apart. Absolutely, you need to take whatever action feels best to you but I selfishly hope that you will not leave us. If so, you will be dearly missed while you are gone and you will be welcomed back with open arms whenever you return once again.

One thing I am wondering is whether you have thought at all about the possibility of sharing your life and your home with another dog. Never to replace Keesh, because that would be impossible. But to return companionship and purpose to your days and nights. Honestly, I don't know that you will ever get over losing Keesh. No matter how much time passes, that wound will always remain. But devoting time to care for another soul may lessen the time you have to dwell on that pain.

I say this only because I found that was the only thing that helped shift my own focus forward, and away from my pain over losing my Barkis. Of course what helped me may not be at all helpful to you. But I cannot resist talking over the possibility. I will not ever get over losing him. Over ten years later, I still cannot walk down a babyfood aisle without being reminded of those final days when we were desperately trying anything to tempt him to eat. Those memories still haunt my heart. But so thankfully, they are tempered with the fact that the next stop after the market is the pet store where I go to pick up a new bag of food or a bottle of dog shampoo or a new toy. There is a balance of pleasure to offset the pain, and that gives me purpose and direction in the here and now.

Again, I would never be so presumptuous to think what was helpful for me would necessarily be helpful for you. But I am so grateful to have my two girls alongside me now, and I do believe I would have continued to grieve for Barkis endlessly had not baby Peg arrived (very unexpectedly!) to demand my attention and ultimately to also claim my heart. So it is just a thought to throw out to you because I am so sorry to see you suffering so mightily for so long.

Whatever you decide, Judi, we will always be here for you. And we will always be here to honor Keesh.

Many hugs,
Marianne

[Budsters Mom]

I most certainly understand Judi. It has been over two years since Buddy flew and I still crumble each time we lose one of our precious pups. :o It is very hard at times for me to be here too. In fact, some of the threads are harder than others for me to respond to and I am much more vulnerable now than I was before losing Buddy. I have been damaged beyond repair and although I'm healing, my heart has been changed forever.

Like Marianne, I needed another fur baby. I needed to feel needed and adopting Rosie saved my sanity. I was in a very unhealthy, dark place. A place where I was mentally, physically and emotionally shutdown. Rosie arrived at 3 pounds and was entirely dependent. I had to get up and function. I had to take care of her. That's when I started to eat and sleep and the sun started to shine again. Rosie save me from myself. She will never replace Buddy, but she is loved and special in her own right.

I am not saying that another dog is the right thing for you or will ever be. However, your heart is so pure that when the time is right you will love again. I am sure of it!:p

Please take care of yourself and know that your K9C family cares for you very much and will always honor Keesh here.

Big hugs,
Kathy

[spdd]

Thank you once again for your kind words and thoughts. I thought about getting another dog, but there are 2 things that stop me. Although I am in a dog friendly townhouse, there is absolutely no place for that dog to exercise outside other then me walking it. Guess I'm spoiled... I'm used to opening a door and letting the dog out into a huge fenced yard, without worry. Here there is a ridiculously small deck and that's it. This place is so badly built that if I sneeze the guy behind me grabs the kleenex and if I leaned over the deck at the side I'd bang heads with the neighbour if he's having a bbq. Don't know what I was thinking when I rented this place other then price. The other obstacle is at this time I just could not go through another death of an animal... at least not yet. It is inevitable at some point.. but I can't do it. I thought about getting a cat.. although I'm not a cat person at all ( there has only been 2 in my life I actually liked) but I don't have a clue how to look after them. I know how to correct a dog.. but nothing about a cat. I will plug along, but I'm glad to hear that I am not completely crazy or alone with how I feel when I hear your stories. Thank you. I think I was actually traumatized by the vet and how she euthanized him.. or maybe I'm just using that as an excuse, but that is the worst memory I have.. he was actually (not gasping) but his cheeks puffed out as he was breathing slowly... horrible, horrible experience and to be on the floor to boot.

[labblab]

Judi, you know your own heart the best of anyone, so it is totally true that you need to wait to find another companion until/if the time comes that you feel ready. However, if that time comes, here's another thought for you. A Maine Coon Cat might be a perfect choice for you because the breed is described as being very playful and dog-like in behavior.


"The dogs of the cat world" - that's what people call Maine Coons because Maine Coons seek out and enjoy the company of people. Maine Coons make great companions as they are a friendly, playful, natural breed with an affectionate nature. Their dispositions remain kittenish throughout their lives and some people say they continue to grow until they're about four years old. They are big, gentle, good-natured goofs.

Although Maine Coons are highly people-oriented cats, they are not overly-dependent. They do not constantly beg for attention, but prefer to "hang out" with their humans, investigating whatever activity is going on and "helping" when they can. Generally, they are not known as "lap cats," but they will probably stay close by, following you from room to room and waiting outside closed doors for you to emerge. A Maine Coon will be your buddy, but hardly ever your baby."

This sounds like a perfect pet to me, and I've been giving some thought to looking for a cat like this when the time comes for us to add another family member, especially because apparently Maine Coons generally get along really well with dogs. I did grow up with cats and already love them, so that makes it a more likely possibility for me. But after struggling now for some time with mobility issues in our 80-pound arthritic Peg, I am anxious to find somebody who I can lift, easily transport, and who doesn't need daily outdoor exercise. Since I've been thinking about this myself, the moment you mentioned "cat," I couldn't resist telling you about this particular breed. I don't think training would be an issue at all -- cats are really pretty much self-training animals, and are actually much easier to care for than dogs because they don't require outdoor potty breaks, specific feeding times, or organized exercise. Can you see I've already thought about this a lot for our own house and as a playmate for Luna?? (although hubby will have to be diverted from getting another big retriever in the future...:rolleyes:).

Anyway, just some more food for thought to throw out there if the time comes that you feel as though you might be ready to welcome another furry companion.

Marianne

[My sweet Ginger]

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?albumid=782&pictureid=5726

Judi, it's a pic of Stella and Elizabeth May who are bffs. Who'd have thought that happening. My daughter picked Ellie up at Elizabeth Park where she used to work in May of 2011 hence the name Elizabeth May. ;) Someone just left her there in a carrier.:( We think she's a mixed Maine coon as she's rather small for a Maine coon.
I'm sorry to say it but I was NOT a cat person all my life and I still don't call myself one but I love Ellie. She was thought to be about 8 months old when she came and she was so playful and such a delight.

Fast forward, when it's a snack time she is in line with all other pups so I have 8 eyes all looking at me and waiting.:)
A few minutes past dinner time, she's in my lap demanding her dinner. Also she sometimes comes over just to be cuddled. My daughter always carries her around or holding her as Ellie is her cat. Other than her flying hair she's just so cute and as Marianne said acts a lot like a dog only much smarter. Very early on she struck up a friendship with Stella and they became bffs and it still continues. They have their special way of playing with each other and it's very funny to watch them play especially when Ellie gives Stella little jabs which usually happens toward the end of their play while Ellie sitting on her condo. :D
So I totally agree with Marianne's description on Maine Coons. I don't remember ever trying to house train her, really. She or he will be a very good companion who doesn't need a yard or a lot of supervision yet still very affectionate and smart. Ellie is also an angel when I give her a bath, totally. Just give it a thought.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much over Keesh. The thing is that the hurt never leaves you but isn't with you as often as time goes by. I had a Chi more than 35 years ago who I still can't talk about with anyone including my own family and the thought of her still brings tears in my eyes. So yea, the hurt never goes away. It's just less frequent, much less frequent now. I really hope you consider a coon.
Hugs, Song.

[addy]

Judy, 10 months isn't long when we lose part of our heart and soul.
It is well over a year and quickly approaching two years for Zoe.
I dont allow myself to look back too much, the pain is still terrible.
I can talk about her and remember her non Cush years but if I have to flashback to the last few years of her life, it is agonizing pain.

Give yourself time.

Hey, your townhouse sounds like mine. A small patch of grass, I have no idea what Koko will do come winter.

Big hugs sweetie.

Follow your heart.

[apollo6]

Dear Judy,
What you are going through is normal. It is too rough and painful for you. You lost part of your self when Keesh died. It has been three years since Apollo died. I was a mess the first two years. Like Addy, when I remember the time before cushing, I can feel good inside. But when I think about the last few years with Apollo's brave fight with Cushing , I break down. I tried to through some of his medical records away the other day , I just broke down and cried. I could not do it. When you love and are loved so deeply, you fall even harder. Love Sonja, Angel Apollo ,Angel Karma, Ariel

[spdd]

Really rough day today for some reason, but.tonight a black and white cat that I've seen 4-5 times walked past the small front porch of my house. I made a few noises and over it came. I gave it some chicken, went into the house to get more and it followed me in. It went throughout the complete house including the basement checking things out. It followed me wherever I went too. Purred, rubbed up against me, but the sad thing about this cat it roams all day that I know of and I'm not sure if it has a home around here. It's pretty skinny, but I think young too. I would have kept it, but I know nothing about fleas, etc. and with not knowing what to do with a cat other then kitty litter -LOL- I couldn't keep it. If this progresses... I'll borrow a cat cage, take it to a vet to get checked out and I can see a new kitty around here in the future, maybe. It used my front mat as a scratching post, but I think it's someone else's. Wonder if they'll miss it.. :D:o:rolleyes:

[molly muffin]

LOL Put a flyer up and say found cat, or something.

Cat car isn't that difficult if you decide to go for it. If not this one then maybe adopt one. There are always tons.
Be aware, kittens can be both adorable and a handful. :) Been there done that.

Some days are definitely hard and will continue to be but having an animal in the house, might give you some company too.

huggers

[spdd]

Well, I'm a little p#%@. The neighbour who already has a cat, scooped the black and white one on me. It's a sweetie, I really liked it but she won't give it to me. She did say if it didn't get along with her other cat, then I could have it.. guess I should have grabbed it when I could. They knew I wanted it... but they intentionally took it, when they saw it on the grass. The guy in the same house won't be getting anymore odd jobs from me anymore. I think that was just downright mean.

[spdd]

11 months today, baby boy... unbelievable. Heartache galore almost everyday. Can't get passed this....

[molly muffin]

I don't think you get passed, I think you just learn to adapt to the reality of him being gone. Keesh was such a huge part of your life, when everything else was turmoil, there was Keesh, steady and true always for you.

:(

hugs Judi

[spdd]

Yup you are right Sharlene... he was all I had and he went through everything with me..... I thought it would be me that wouldn't last ... little did I know. I check on you regularly... give that little sweetie a belly rub for me.

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Judi, It is so difficult sometimes, I still miss all my boys, my Harley passed in 2011 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but at least now, those precious memories of him don't always bring me to tears, I can smile more these days when thinking of him.

((((HUGS))))

[apollo6]

Dear Judi ,
Keesh will always be in your heart,soul and mind. The lose is so deep to fathom. It is three years since Apollo passed and I will always miss him,some days are good others are not. The first year was the toughest. There is no love as deep as the one between us and our fur balls. They are everything humans should be but are not.
Love Sonja,Apollo ,Karma,Ariel

[spdd]

Well "puppers". "fat boy", "mah boy", "sweet peas" and all the endearments I used to call you... today marks the 1 yr anniversary of me losing you. If you knew there was a cat in the house now.. well.... wouldn't you be in a state!!! Mommy couldn't get another dog.. there was just no dog like you, and it still is way too soon for me to even think about it. I highly doubt I will ever have a dog again.
I miss you to the core of my being, and still the mention of your name brings me to a crying mess. Yes, I need to pick myself up and move on, and you and I did that together... it's just so hard to do it alone, without you. Mommy misses you and loves you.... until we hopefully see each other again... "my bestest buddy!!"

[Squirt's Mom]

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) )))

These firsts are just so very hard but you can't let yourself feel guilty for having the emotions you do for Keesh today. I know his heart is heavy over the events in Paris and around the world just as are all our hearts....but he and the love you shared also deserves to be honored. So cry all you need, your Wonder Dog has earned every one.

[molly muffin]

Judi. I got to meet Keesh and how lucky I am to have met him. What a sweet boy with his eyes the window to his soul and his soul was a good one. Simple and pure. Love me and I will love you back for all our days and beyond.
Today I honor your boy who traveled so many journeys of life with you and made your journey through the tough time so much better just by sharing it with you. I celebrate the life of Keesh with happiness and smiles that you shared so much together.

Hugs

[spdd]

Was at a family brunch and met my 2nd cousin who is a vet. When I told the story of how Keesh was treated at the end, I broke right down and even typing this I am a mess. She was disgusted with what I told her. The wrong testing, the Guelph University, how they did acupuncture and especially the treatment on his last day. I am still a broken mess, and wish with all my heart, "mah boy" had a better ending then what he did. I'm angry, hurt, p'off to no end. I can't change anything, but sure wish I could.
I have a reminder several times a day since his last day. When I got on the floor with him I bashed my elbow, just like hitting your funny bone, but I damaged the ulnar nerve so to this day after 3 neurology visits, 3 emg's I lost the feeling in my baby finger, half of the ring finger and down the outside of my hand. It is now over 14 months, and they won't operate yet, wanting me now to wait until August to see if there is improvement. (had 3rd test yesterday-no improvement.) Think at this point the medical profession is as bad as the veterinary care Keesh got. I can't work properly, carry things, the hand muscles have atrophied - and drop anything heavy. Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I could get this fixed and NOT have this constant reminder.

[molly muffin]

That was a terrible experience and I am sorry that you have such a horrible injury as a reminder of that day. :(.

[addy]

My fractured shoulder never healed right after I fell with Zoe, that Winter she passed away. For awhile, the constant reminder mentally hurt so much. Now, it has gotten better but will never be 100 per cent. It just is part of me and Zoe now, like she is always with me and the arm reminds me of what we had.

So, I hope you can get better so it is not so painful and you can use your hand again. But even if it never is 100 percent, one day, I hope you just carry that as a physical badge of your bond with your boy.

Judi, I won't tell you it gets better, it doesn't, somehow we just learn how to deal with it. That piece of you, it left with your boy and it is not coming back.

I do think, though, Keesh would not want you to suffer so. I know Zoe loved to make me laugh. I bet Keesh loved it when you laughed with him.

We need to laugh more, it meant so much to them.

[molly muffin]

Thank you addy for reminding me of that. When I laugh Molly wags her tail so hard and fast it feels like a fan. She loves laughter just as Zoe did and I bet Keesh loved that too.

[spdd]

Well "chunkers" I can't believe what happened today. You would probably say it serves me right with having a cat and all. I walked into a veterinarians for the first time since I last saw you alive. I got choked right up, tears overflowed, and I thought I was going to have to leave. All this just to get some blood work for Simba. Just when I think I'm doing ok without you a horrible reminder rears it's ugly head and even as I am home now and typing this, I am almost beside myself. There was a saint bernard and doberman (vet residents) behind the desk and maybe I would have been ok, if they had come over to me, but they couldn't be bothered at all even looking at me when I called them. Miss you so much puppers...... not going to have good day for the rest of it now.... love you.

[molly muffin]

It doesn't take much to trigger those horrible memories and feelings does it. The least and biggest things can set them right off. Sending you big virtual hugs, which I know don't do the same as a real one.

[spdd]

Thanks Sharlene... I could use a real hug. Live too far from anyone that could actually give me one.

[molly muffin]

I know!! That is a nice area you are in now though right? I know someone in the area, and work with her. Great gal. They have a wine store there in town.

[spdd]

The area is very nice and I like the city, best place for everything, but again it's lonely. The cat didn't do it for me which I'm sure you know reading my Facebook.
I also know it's good to come back on here and support others especially those that have lost their babies, but everytime I do, I get all weepy again knowing what they are going through. The heartache just doesn't go away and the upsets come at the most unexpected times.

[spdd]

I just would like to let our members know that I read every post when it is posted that another of our babies is/are gone. I weep, honestly everytime I read these updates, as I know so well how they feel and my heart breaks for each and every one of you. Reading this latest just today about 2 that are now gone in the last 2 days, I am crying knowing that their Mom's and Dad's are heartbroken, sick, devastated, lonely, and all the other things that are and will come along as reminders in the following days, weeks, months and even years. If I could wave some kind of magic wand to make all the heartbroken parents, just feel a little better, I'd do it in a heartbeat. We love them so much, and they take so much of us when they go. Rest In Peace all you little 4 legged babies....... we love and miss you way more then you could even imagine.

[spdd]

As long as I have been on this forum, I have never seen it mentioned that a dog can have a reverse sneeze which looks exactly like a seizure, only more pronounced. I have had experience with Keesh both with seizures and reverse sneezing which can scare the bejeebers out of you if you don't know what is going on. Take a look on youtube to see a dog having a reverse sneezing episode. It is sad to watch and every dog is different, but thought I'd bring it up in case anyone mistakes a seizure for this sneezing. Hope this helps anyone who is wondering.

[spdd]

http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalcandle.php?ID=254948

Eternal Flame

[labblab]

Giant ((((((HUGS))))))) to you, Judi!!!

May Keesh's shining spirit forever brighten your memories and your heart.

Love, Marianne

[Harley PoMMom]

What a beautiful tribute to your sweet boy, Keesh. Sending huge and loving hugs, Lori

[Joan2517]

That was, so, so sweet..

[Squirt's Mom]

Beautiful, Judi! I know Keesh is still keeping a close eye on his sweet mom.

Hugs,
Leslie

[spdd]

So true of "mah boy." Missing you so much puppers.

https://www.facebook.com/iHeartDogscom/videos/10155286057628079/

[Squirt's Mom]

Well now I'm sobbing once again. That was beautiful, Judi.

[Joan2517]

Me, too...so beautiful and so true...

[Allison]

Hugs.

Every year one group or another here does a fund-raiser where one can get a Christmas tree ornament in memory of a beloved pet. This fall, I bought one for Lucy my cat who died December 2013 and for Gizmo our adopted dog who died in May 2015.

Our pets might be gone but they're never forgotten.


http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personalcandle.php?ID=254948

Eternal Flame

[spdd]

Love going to the memory candles and seeing what is written. Thank you Barkis and Miss Peg's mom. I know who you are and grateful for your kindness. Tears flowed again, and I can't help but think of "our diva" right now. We are quite the group, and nothing ever has done me as much good as this forum... Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

[labblab]

Judi, I just want to "second" what you've written about our family and to thank you so much, too, for staying with us and sharing your support. From my own experience, I know it can be hard because it means you must be willing to allow your own wounds to reopen. But it allows us all to meet together here, heart-to-heart, when we need each other most. Times like this morning, when we are grieving Miss Molly. I have said it before, but I truly believe there is no greater honor that you can give Keesh than to stay and help others in his name, just as you are doing. And omigoodness, what a welcoming party must have been assembled at The Bridge yesterday evening!

We love you, Judi, and we will always love your beautiful golden boy. We thank him for bringing you to us.

Marianne

[spdd]

Thank you for your always kind words.

- Well baby boy, next week would have been your 17th birthday and 2 weeks after that the 2nd anniversary of Mommy losing you.I don't know if I will have internet next week, so writing this now.

My heart breaks as much today as the day I lost you. Life has never been the same, nor will it ever be again. I was hoping one day, just maybe, I could welcome in your honour another little boy that would need love and attention, but it's not to be. You have a special place in my home, and a super huge special place in my heart now and forever. I miss you more then you could even possibly imagine, and the tears are just pouring down as I write this. I really hope Mommy will see you again, that's when my happiness will come again. Love you puppers !!!! You were more then special... you were one of a kind. and nothing can take your place even a little.

[labblab]

Tons of ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) to you, Judi...

[spdd]

Happy Birthday Buddy.... 17 years ago you were the sweetest furbaby to ever have been born, and I was the lucky one that got to be your Mommy for over 15 years. Love you as much today as the day I met you. Hope you are teaching everyone at the bridge all your wonderful tricks. Love you so much "puppers."

[Joan2517]

Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet baby~

[DoxieMama]

Happy birthday Keesh!

[Harley PoMMom]

Happy Birthday, dear Keesh!

[spdd]

Well "sweet peas" 2 years tomorrow I lost you. I would write tomorrow instead of tonight, but just posting your pic and memory poem on Facebook, sent me into a crying fit, so tomorrow I will honour you quietly. I will also light your memory candle tonight instead of tomorrow. You are missed more then you can imagine, and I'd give anything to have you back if just for a little while.

PAWPRINTS LEFT BY YOU

You no longer greet me as I walk through the door.
You're not there to make me smile or laugh anymore.
Life is quiet without you,you were far more then a pet
You were my family, friend, loving soul I will never forget
It takes so long to heal, will the silence go away?
I still listen for and miss you, for hours everyday.
You were such a great companion, constant, loyal and true
My heart will always wear the sweet paw prints left by you.

Memories of "mah boy" Keesh. XXXXOOOO

Love you forever puppers.

[Joan2517]

Such a sweet poem, Judi...so true.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh these anniversaries, so difficult to face. Seems like everything comes roaring back for at least a little every day surrounding those dates. All that pain and fear and sorrow and emptiness settles around our shoulders again like an old friend. Our tears fall in honor of a love unmatched and we relive times shared, both good and not so good.

I believe they know. Our babies know when we cry for them, when we smile or laugh at a memory, when our minds are full of thoughts about them - they know. Because we are never really separated from them; we are always connected and one day will be reunited.

Hugs,
Leslie

[apollo6]

Keesh will always be in your heart, soul and spirit. The lose is always there. Never forgotten. In memory of sweet Keesh.
Sonja and Apollo

[molly muffin]

Judi, thinking of you and Keesh. What a sweetheart and special boy he was.

[spdd]

Hey "poopers" today I spent longer then usual on this forum particularly looking at the memory thread and the years that so many of our babies had passed. I cannot believe that I have to go back 2 years to see your name, yet the day it was posted, it took my breath away to realize it was true and that you were gone. I haven't put up a Christmas tree since you left for many reasons. Nobody would see it anyway. I do remember though removing tinsel from you daily along with picking up ornaments that got knocked on the floor with your wagging tail. You had to inspect every gift under the tree, and the stockings usually got emptied faster then they got filled... you were so afraid you'd miss something. You always loved the grocery bags coming into the house so you could do a thorough inspection, knowing somewhere in one of those bags there'd be something special for you. You loved guests coming over, greeting them at the door then running off to get one of your cherished treasures and bring it to the guest, your way of saying they were welcome in the house and that you liked them. You were so special baby boy... I miss you terribly and as another year comes to a close and another begins, my greatest wish would be to see you again, smell you.. hug you and laugh one more time at your antics... someday baby boy.... someday.

[spdd]

Wishing each and every one of you on the forum a very
Merry Christmas,Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and all the very best in 2017.

[labblab]

Thanks so much, Judi, and more of the same heading right back at atcha! :D :) :)

[Squirt's Mom]

Same to you, Judi!

[molly muffin]

Merry Christmas Judi!!! HUGS!

[spdd]

So after 2 years and just over 2 months, I went and set up appointments for grief counselling. I have not been able to move on and even when I light "mah boy's" candle daily, I weep. So many changes have happened before I lost Keesh and many more since, and I have not been able to let go. I was always sentimental -too much so - with just a couple of years ago I completely lost it in the grocery store. My dad died in 1985 and just as I opened a freezer door in the store a couple of years ago, over the intercom came the Christmas song Silver Bells. I folded on the spot-looked at my then husband and said I think I can pull myself together which I did. My Dad was Christmas... so much so that at his funeral that August we played Silent Night. Now that I am completely alone in a strange town, with no friends and pretty much isolated, the grief has come roaring back with a vengeance and I ache, literally ache when I see a picture of Keesh, or have a memory. I sure hope these grief counsellors are miracle workers... cause God knows I sure need on. I will let you know how it goes.

[labblab]

Good for you, Judi! I think this is a wise and healthy decision, and I surely hope you'll feel good about the counselor you've selected. Just remember, though, if it doesn't feel as though you are forming a good relationship, you can always switch and start up with somebody else. Some people you naturally feel comfortable with; some people you just don't.

I've gone for counseling several times in my life, and most recently for grief counseling myself a couple of years ago when two of my closest and best friends both passed away from cancer just a few months apart. I struggled and struggled to try to work through things on my own, but omigosh it helped so much when I finally scheduled some appointments to talk with someone who was trained to listen and support me.

So I really hope you'll find some comfort and peace, too. That doesn't mean you'll ever stop missing Keesh because of course that will never happen. But you still have a lot of your own life to live. A lot more chapters to the story, Judi. And never forget you have a ton of friends here who are all rooting for you, even as we forever also honor Keesh.

Definitely report back as to how things go, OK?
Marianne

[apollo6]

Glad you are taking steps to take care of yourself.
Love Sonja,Apollo

[spdd]

Edited to remove my comment.

[molly muffin]

Judi, sending you big hugs. I think you could use a few these days. It's been a truly horrible time since Keesh passed. All the moves and everything going on, there hasn't been any time for you to just grieve. Something is always going on. :(
Thinking of you!

[Squirt's Mom]

You have had SO MUCH going on over the last couple of years on top of the loss of your precious Keesh....you have every right to feel as if you are coming apart at the seams. Everything that identified you as "Judi" has changed, and rapidly at that. But that beautiful woman is still there and I know you have the courage and strength to bring her back into the light, changed perhaps, yes, but no less beautiful and worthy.

((((((((MANYHUGS))))))))
Leslie

[Joan2517]

Ditto! I cry every day to/from work. I don't think there is an end to missing...

[labblab]

"Double Ditto" to everything the ladies have said above! Judi, no matter what you decide to do or how things end up, we will always be here to listen and to support you. We are your personal rooting section, and you're just plain stuck with us, no matter what! ;)

[Mari]

I hope you are doing better, Judi. It's difficult.

[spdd]

Thanks everyone for your replies. So I went twice, the first was a 2 hour overall assessment and the second one yesterday was with a therapist. He was running late, so it wasn't an hours session. Both in the first and second appts. in all honesty I wondered just who was the patient and who was the therapist. Has life gotten so bad that the professionals now tell you their life history? Takes up a lot of your time listening to them and they really aren't listening to you. Next appt. is to tell me about coping mechanisms so I sure hope it is far more productive then the last 2 sessions. Another move again on March 31st due to my nerves being completely shot with the overhead noise. I will officially be a vagabond. Second biopsy was done last Friday, so hope it comes back with better results then the last one.

[Joan2517]

Sounds like my husband...he's a Social Worker and he never shuts up. I always say that I can't believe people pay for a session and have to listen to him!

[spdd]

Update... 2nd biopsy came back clear. Some skin disease I never heard of and I thought I knew them all. Car not going in for repair until it is closer to the lease end, so that saves a bit of money.
One more weak and I literally will be living in my car-heading to the east coast to find a reasonable home I can pay cash for. I am so done with Ontario. Those on my facebook sure know why... actually I'd like to leave Canada completely.

Question??? For those that have lot their pup so tragically and gone through the Cushings phenomena just how do you go about getting another dog? My problem is the heartache that is yet to subside after 2 1/2 years and I just cannot wrap my head around losing another pet that has or will have most of my heart? Any suggestions on how to cope? I am hoping if I get a pup and he lives long, he will outlive me, but I am pretty sure I cannot go through the death of one that is so innocent and cherished.

[Squirt's Mom]

I SO HOPE you find the perfect home and there is not one issue of any kind that comes along when you do! Heaven knows you deserve a break! As for leaving Canada...oh my! I wish I could move there! :D If not for my grandsons I would be packing today.....I have had several offers of sponsorship. LOL One of many reasons is the heat down here...I am going to be physically ill from now til it gets cold again due to the heat and these compression hose. ugh I don't do well with heat to start with and these things are like wearing a wet suit! I will be INSIDE with the air jacked down to 45 degrees til November. :p

As for a pup, I was so lucky to already have babies I love when Squirt passed or I'm not sure I would ever have another. I will never get over losing her but the others DO help me face each day. Fostering helped me a great deal, too, but not everyone can handle keeping a dog for a while then letting it move on to a furever home. But if you think you could do that, you would help them soooo much and help yourself in the process. AND you may find that perfect next baby to keep for yourself. Down in the South where I live we have rescues that need short-term fosters, like a couple of weeks. Then the dogs are moved up north where homes are waiting. Look into something like that to start...maybe Canada ships dogs down to the New England area of the US. Who knows? Another idea is to visit shelters and help them out. Take the dogs for a walk, teach them commands, just simply interact with them. Being with them could do you both a world of good...I know it will the dogs for sure. But don't force the issue of getting another baby. When the time is right and the dog is right you will know. To force it would be a great disservice to you and the dog. ;)

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[Joan2517]

I had 3 others when Lena died. They are all seniors, Doree is 13 and the boys are both 8. If my husband had not gotten Sibbie without asking me, I think I would still be on the couch. If he had asked me, I would've said absolutely not.

The older ones were all happy to just let me lay on the couch and cry or sleep, which I did a lot of. But I couldn't do that with a puppy. I had to get up and take care of her. I couldn't bond with her for about a month, and she learned to let me alone while I cried.

I still cry for my Lee, but Sibbie has made me laugh again. For the first few months, she only knew me as this lunatic who was either crying or screaming at everyone.

I can think of Lena and smile sometimes or I think about her and cry. She will never be replaced. She was my heart dog, the one i loved beyond words. I love them all and all the ones who went before her, but she was just the one.

I do dread losing the rest of them. I worry about it all the time. I can't bear the thought of going through it again. But I love animals and I will always have them around. I'm "Mommy" and I need to "baby".

Lena shattered my heart when she left me; its still not healed, but if I didn't have the rest of them, I would still be on the couch.

I don't know if this helps you, but I do know how you feel...

Sending comforting thoughts to you...

[apollo6]

Dear Judi,
I understand only too much about the heartache. Apollo was my soul dog, the first dog I ever had. Like Keesh, he went through so much with the cushing. It has been 4 years since my boy past. Four months after he passed I adopted Ariel, not to replace him, but to pass that love to another. Ariel has issues,he will never be Apollo, nor replace Apollo. He helps me cope with life on life's terms. I felt so guilty, I even wait to an animal communitarian about it. She explained it so elegantly. Apollo, and all dogs accept death without the resistance we humans have. Apollo was preparing to die and I was desperately trying to hold on instead of just being there for him. We have these angels on loan from God. They teach us so much. Yes it will be painful to lose little Ariel. But if I did not have him I would have missed out on the love,joy, excitement, unconditional love I have had with him. The price is worth it. I am originally from Toronto, Ontario. Have not been back in years. Planning on moving to Arizonia for a more affordable living. Love Sonja and Angel Apollo(always in my heart,always in my soul)

[Harley PoMMom]

It tore an enormous hole in my heart when I lost my sweet boy, Harley, and than that hole grew larger when my precious Bear passed 2 years later.

Before Bear passed I adopted a dear senior Pom named Sampson. OMG Sampson was such a love bug and so was Bear, they both helped me cope with Harley's loss.

Harley passed in 2011, Bear in 2013, and then Sampson in 2014, boy did I feel empty. For me the best decision I made was to adopt a senior dog that wasn't likely to find a forever home, and his name is Marvin.

Marvin is around 11 years old and was used for breeding purposes only. His former owner kept Marvin outside in a pen. When he was surrendered to the rescue his fur was so matted that they had to shave it off and the skin underneath was red and inflamed. :(

Marvin looked so pitiful the first time I saw him and I could tell that he wasn't given the love and kindness he so deserved. Marvin has his forever home with me and he has helped that hole in my heart to heal. I know in adopting senior dogs that their life with me won't be a long one but I want them to have the best possible dog worthy life that they are entitled to, our furry babies give so much and ask for so little.

Sending huge and loving hugs, Lori

[molly muffin]

Hoping that you are having safe travels Judi. Bad storms still out east, so you being on the road is worrying.

I could see something like maybe a golden retriever in your life at some point. A big love bug to keep you company and run and play. They have a golden rescue in Ontario, and I bet they have them out east too. Course there are tons of dogs that need good homes, which you would definitely be able to provide when you find your forever home. You really never know were and when that bond will form, that one look in their eyes and you know they are meant for you.

[labblab]

Hi Judi, you've been on my mind the last couple of days. I hope you have been safe in your travels! Where are you now -- any adventures you'd care to share with us? I surely hope your home-hunting is off to a good start!

Marianne

[spdd]

Hi guys... things are going from bad to worse unfortunately. Long story, but the gist of it is that I bought a house in New Brunswick, however the roads are horrendous here, blown tires, broken springs, shocks or axles take such a beating. Not sure why anyone would even consider visiting the area at least I'm in. Can't get anyone in the trades to do their job nor do it the way a customer wants it.... really a joke here.. and to make matters worse the septic has to be replaced, so after 10's of thousands of dollars spent, I am going to list the house and go back to Ontario. Don't know where or even how I can afford it anymore. I have worked my butt off and it's just too much for me. The house looks worse now then when it was shown to me, so I have to spend even more money to make it suitable to show. i.e. I ripped up broke ceramic floor and it's not replaced-tore up sticky tiles- now floor is sticky- knocked down wall- now that needs to be repaired and-tore off trim to paint it so now have to put it back on. I have no clue where I'm going to get the energy. I cannot live in the house the way it is and haven't, been staying at my brothers and I'm sure it's rough on him, but he is almost 80 so when I get finished at the house there are all sorts of things I physically have to do for him and I just can't take it anymore. At least my health is ok for now. Missing "mah boy" as much as ever.. what I'd give to just have a kiss or howl from him especially now. I was doing well mentally, but this journey I have been on, is destroying all the progress I had made. Oh well life just sucks.... but keep on keeping on for sure.

[Joan2517]

Oh, Judi...what a mess!

[molly muffin]

Well that has been an awful experience for sure. :( I'm real sorry Judi. what a pain.

[labblab]

Gosh Judi, it sounds as though you somehow jumped from the frying pan into the fire with this house! Yikes!!! I'm so sorry, too. This was not at all what I was hoping to hear when I asked for an update. :o :( :(

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, and surely hoping that things will finally turn around and start straightening out. Do let us know, OK?

Marianne

[molly muffin]

Well none of this is any good Judi. You really need to catch a break. Maybe just take a breather to get your zen back in order.

[spdd]

Well here's the kicker. I have asked the contractor for a complete run down of the costs so far. Waited 2 weeks, called many times, asked his employees and still no response. How are you supposed to know what to do next if you don't know what has been spent. The quote changed several times, so I can't even guess.... but... wait for it..... I had to speak to the lawyer today. Seems my building inspector missed major problems.... mould in the basement and lots of it, roof line is bowed but you couldn't tell until I had it re-shingled, wood furnace is no longer made but the handle and lock are missing so now sure if I can get a new door or if it needs to be replaced, and.. the only vent in the dining room has absolutely no duct work to it... just a hole in the floor. Furious doesn't even come close to it and lawyer says I have to go to small claims, but in the meanwhile I will have to sell it as is. Can't go to court if you aren't in the same province.... and with that I am at a complete and total loss for words. Blood pressure with pills is steady at 179-way to high...and can't get medical care until I get back to Ontario..... like I said on my facebook account... hand me the gun, I have the bullet.

[molly muffin]

Omg Judi. This is a horrible experience :( I can't even begin to imagine you having to go through this.

[spdd]

Wait Sharlene.. it get's better:eek: Home inspector as much as admits he did a bad job and has offered his fee back, but that doesn't help me anyway at all, and I had to fire the contractor today, absolutely no respect or consideration for me as a client. They never showed up at all yesterday and I had finally got the plumber and floor guy there. Mega bucks this has cost me and I still cannot move into the house. Going back to Ontario this weekend to do a wedding and a hearing is scheduled for the 16th with the tenant landlord tribunal. I took the landlord to court re the noise issue I had and they had the audacity to phone me today and ask for an adjournment cause their witness (my super) was going away... hello.... I am driving a complete province to appear, just another one of their games. I refused a mutual adjournment however I may still go all the way to Woodstock and they could adjourn it. Then a scare, my old doctor phoned in persona and was concerned as to why I had not seen her, and she was going to re-issue a request for a cat scan.... what?????? I have had another doctor now for almost a year, and what is the cat scan for? Didn't know they had to put in a special request for one and I can't remember why I even needed it... too much going on in my head. Now I hear about your sister.... wish I was closer to give you huge hugs.

[Budsters Mom]

I's so very sorry. :o I keep reading hoping that things have started to turn in a more positive direction for you.

Kathy

[spdd]

Well I'm journaling this so I can keep track. Everyone said to get your own trades people, so I got a plumber today:mad:... not only did he cause a leak that ruined my living room ceiling (the only one that I didn't have to repair and could just paint, but he cut and capped a drainage pipe in the bathroom and pushed so hard he came through the kitchen ceiling...

[molly muffin]

Seriously Judi! There are No words for this. What a bloody mess!

[Budsters Mom]

OMG!!!! It looks like you've hired the three stooges to work on your house!! :eek::eek:

There are words fot this mess Sharlene, but they aren't allowed on the forum. We can think them though.;):rolleyes:

[spdd]

Two reasons why I'm posting today.. one is an update. The plumber who after finishing installing a new kitchen sink and taps-I find all of a sudden I have a lake under my newly finished cupboards. Turns out he re-used an old plastic gasket that was completely worn out and on the other sink a new rubber one that he actually pinched out of shape. Man where do I find these people? Ruined the cupboard.
Now onto the 2nd reason. We all know that loneliness, grief, and mourning are part of our lives when we lose something we cherish, and with the limited grief counselling I got, it really didn't do too much other then get things off my chest. Just last week I was sent this and I sure hope it helps others.......

Another way to say that you are grieving is that a part of you is stuck in a moment in time.

Sometimes the cause of the stuckness isn’t the grief itself, but the fact that you don’t even recognize that you’ve lost something and that you need to grieve.

Grief is a word that is used interchangeably with bereavement, but grief is not exclusively about the physical death of a person.

Grief doesn't fit in a box, either. Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.

Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons, but one thing remains constant in the process. It's the one thing no one has ever said about grieving:

“I did it right on time.”

Grieving is marked by a lag, a delay, a freezing, “Wait. What just happened?”

Grieving is also not a linear process.

One moment you feel you’ve fully moved past something, the next moment it’s right back in front of your face.

That’s because grief is insidious, imposing and demands to be felt. Even if you’re able to somehow avoid it all day long, grief comes back to you in your sleep. It’s laying right on your heart as you wake up.

Grief doesn’t say, “I’ve been here long enough, I think it’s time for me to leave.”

No. Grief crowds the heart, eats up all your energy and chronically imposes upon your peace. But grief isn't some evil force that's only there to cause pain, grief is escorting up an even deeper feeling, a truth about your life, what you value and what you need. Perhaps how much you wanted something, how deeply you care about someone, how far you've come from where you were.

As Mark Nepo so beautifully puts it, "The pain was necessary to know the truth, but we don't have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive."

Still, grief isn’t necessarily a depression. People can be grieving and heartbroken about something and not even know it.

Here are some examples of events that cause grieving:

A break up

The selling of your childhood home

What you always wanted but never got

A person who died

A person who is still alive but is electively absent in your life

The loss of a dream

Divorce

Infertility

Loving someone who is self-destructive

The loss of a pet

The end of a friendship

Job loss or the end of a career

The typical route for grieving begins with denial, and that’s actually a good thing.

Ultimately, your defense mechanisms are there to protect you. Denial kicks in when it would otherwise be too overwhelming to feel it all at once. Ideally, denial slowly fades away and the grief is felt. (Ideally.)

More typically, you swallow your grief.

It comes up in small spurts when you’re not paying attention, then you numb yourself to it somehow, then it jumps up more forcefully, then you numb yourself more heavily.

That is the path of staying stuck in grief. The path loops. People lose themselves on that path.

Is there a better path?

The answer is yes. But you don’t have to walk it unless you choose to.

Some losses are so exquisitely painful, in a way that no one else could ever fully understand, that no one would fault you for staying in the loop.

If you do choose to get out of the disorienting, dizzying loop of grief, here are 4 ways to begin:

1. UNDERSTAND - That your heart is broken, even if it’s not visible to others.

Keep in mind that there's no ‘right way’ to grieve and that grieving is not a linear process.

Just because its been 6 months, 4 years, 15 years, whatever – none of that means anything to your grief. The clock starts when you begin to recognize your grief. In other words, when you genuinely begin to address what happened (or perhaps what never happened).

2. RECOGNIZE - Before you can grieve, you have to recognize that you need to grieve.

Something happened, or didn’t happen, that burdened you.

Ironically, when you’re burdened, something is given to you and taken away from you at the same time. What do you feel was taken from you? What do you feel you are burdened with? The answers to those questions help you recognize what you need to grieve.

3. TOUCH - You have to touch the loss (as well as all the anger, sadness, bitterness, resilience, compassion and any other feelings you encountered during your loss).

You're in touch with your grief when you make space for the feelings your loss brought into your life. It may feel counter-intuitive to go back to the feelings that you want so desperately to let go of, but there's simply no way to move through grief without making contact with it, without fully touching it, without fully feeling it.

You have to pick it up, hold it, feel the weight of it in your hands, on your heart and within your life. You have to feel the whole loss. Grief demands to be felt with an insistence that needs no sleep. You either allow yourself to encounter the feelings or you remain encased in a shell of yourself under a misguided sense of self-protection.

4. MOVE - The feeling of grief can linger for so long that you almost befriend the grief.

The grief becomes oddly soothing in its familiarity and its predictability. Dealing with the grief means letting go of this familiarity and moving towards something less predictable and less familiar, which is scary.

Still, if you want to genuinely address the grief, you have to continue to move through the peripheral, familiar parts of your grief and go right into the epicenter of your grief. As the classic hero's journey goes, you have to get inside the belly of the whale. There (and only there) you will find the door to the unpredictable pieces of life that are patiently waiting for you on the other side of your pain.

So....

Understand your heart is broken.

Recognize why it’s broken.

Touch the grief.

Move towards the epicenter of your grief, as it's the only path to other side of your pain.

Please remember, the grief you're experiencing is yours, and you can carry it with you for as long as you like. Let go of it only when you feel ready-enough, and if you never feel ready, that’s okay. If you do feel ready to move through it you can recruit professional support. Navigating through grief is unpredictable, dangerous terrain. You don’t have to do it alone.

[Joan2517]

This is good, Judi...so many of my feelings in there.

[labblab]

Sheesh Judi, I'm so sorry for your never-ending home repair headaches! It truly is enough to drive you nuts...:o :(

But thank you so much for the helpful info about grief and grieving. I've taken the liberty of copying that part of your post and adding it to our "Where to find Help when you're Hurting" thread.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

It is absolutely true that everybody's path reflects their own unique needs and footsteps. But I do believe it helps to know that others have been able to successfully navigate the journey, no matter how painful and no matter how much time it takes.

Sending my best wishes to you today and always!

[spdd]

It's been a complete complete comedy of errors, but if I laugh, I'm worried about becoming hysterical - LOL- I plod on.. and we will see if I can get the heat fixed here or have to close the house up. The wheels of justice turn so slow.

[molly muffin]

Very profound Judi.

You do manage to have the best and worse of adventures. :) HUGS

[spdd]

It is coming up 3 years since the biggest hole in my heart was left. Keesh would have been 18 the end of October. Man, how I still miss that scamp. I still weep when I think of him or even write about him, but.... I am now after all this time considering getting another dog but probably not until spring. I am looking at rescues as every dog in this province seems to cost the down payment on a house. Potcakes out of Turks and Caicos has some adorable pups, but the cost to get it here would be out of reach. www.potcakeplace.com for those that may be interested - I have picked a name already, just don't have the dog. I have decided to stay with "K" in the name and chosen Koda whether it be male or female. I am prone to loving golden retriever mix pups. I named the laneway of my house Keesh Lane in honour of "mah boy". It is going to be a very long winter here in New Brunswick, but I will look forward to the spring and a new addition hopefully. I never thought I would even consider another pup, but it's starting to look that way thankfully.

Update:- just saw that there is a potcake rescue in Georgia, U.S.

[Joan2517]

Awww, Judi! That sounds wonderful...and what a pretty name. I still cry for Lena every day, even though I have three others here. There are some holes that just can't be filled in.

But I must admit that getting Sibbie was what pulled me out of my despair. The boys were older and quite content to let me lay on the couch and cry, but with a puppy in the house we all had to get up and go on.

[molly muffin]

I think it will be great once you can find another dog to share your life with and I love the name Koda. Very cool name.

That is lovely that you named your place Keesh Lane!

[spdd]

I have just been given quite possibly the greatest gift in my lifetime. I have been chosen by a rescue, breeder and therapy owner in Ontario to receive free of charge a Golden Retriever therapy dog in the spring. I have the pick of the litter and training is free. My cousin who takes painting classes with this owner, told her the story of my grief and loneliness. Once a year they donate a trained dog to someone who needs it, and although I never even knew about it never mind qualify, after my cousin told her my story, they chose me. I just got the call this morning. Guess that fence will be up sooner then I thought. A therapy dog is such a bonus.... I am blown away.

[Squirt's Mom]

I am so happy for you, Judi, and pray this baby Koda is exactly what you need to bring the light back to your world.
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

[Joan2517]

What wonderful news, Judi! I'm sure Koda will bring you lots of joy, as you will to him or her~

[DoxieMama]

That is AWESOME!! Congratulations!

[labblab]

Judi, OMG the happy tears are flowing!!!! :o :) :o :) :o :) :D

Best news of the day. Make that week. Make that month!!!!

Luv ya!
Marianne

[spdd]

Thanks guys... at the risk of insulting my kids, I feel like I'm an expectant mother and in love with him already. Just read on their website these specific therapy dogs are for PTSD and anxiety plus do a lot of other things..... works for me. Can't wait to take him grocery shopping or for that matter anywhere else.

[molly muffin]

OMG, this is wonderful news Judi! and timely, just when you need a best friend in your life and in your new home. I think it's awesome.
We'll want pictures!!!

[Budsters Mom]

The best news ever!! So happy for you!

[spdd]

Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet boy. 18 years ago you came into this world and made us laugh, entertained, surprised us and waking up to you everyday was just the greatest pleasure. Oh how I miss you and the precious time we had. You were the very best thing that happened to me hands down. I would give almost anything to see you just once more. Mommy has to go.... the uncontrollable crying has started. Love you sweet peas.

[DoxieMama]

Happy birthday, Keesh!

[molly muffin]

Happy Birthday Keesh. Keep watch over your mamma. She needs you to be her protecting spirit.

Hugs Judi

[Joan2517]

Happy birthday, Keesh!!

[Whiskey's Mom]

Happy Birthday Keesh! And I am so happy for you too-tears of joy from PA!!!

[spdd]

I have tried 3 times to post and been thrown off.... I give up

[labblab]

Judi, I sure wish I knew why a few of you are having this problem. Until it gets sorted out, can you try composing your post “off-site,” and then copying and pasting it into a reply? That would only take a moment or two — hopefully you’d have enough time to complete that task before getting bumped...

[spdd]

I was writing the thread to commemorate that 3 years ago as of today.... the biggest piece of my heart left this world. Three years ago I believe I went through the toughest day of my life no thanks to how things were handled by the vet. I still believe half my problems today are because of that horrendous experience. However today I honour "Mah Boy" and life has never nor will be the same without him. I never knew it was humanly possible to suffer this grief for so long a time. I miss you baby boy........ sure hope you have figured out some way to play "bum buzz" at the bridge. Mommy will light a candle today as I have done everyday now for almost 3 years, but today there will be 3 for every year that you have been gone. It also would have been Mommy and Daddy's anniversary but that won't be acknowledged for many reasons :confused:... today is for you.

[Joan2517]

Many, many hugs, Judi....3 years. It's going to be 2 with Lena in a few months and I share your feelings about the grief.

[labblab]

Holding you and Keesh in my thoughts, too, Judi. We’ll never forget your precious boy and all he has meant to you. A fur-angel, for sure, always and forever.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs coming your way,
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Much love and many tight hugs, Judi. The years don't make it any easier at times, I know. It does bring me a bit of comfort to know my sweet girl is strong and whole again. I do believe our babies wait for us and we will be with them again!

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending hugs to you.

In loving memory of Keesh, always.

[molly muffin]

I will always remember Keesh, especially as I got to meet you both and spend the day with you at the vets, and have lunch, etc. He was a sweetie that's for sure.
HUGS Judi

[spdd]

I got a little more information about my donated dog. He is a pure bred golden retriever, but isn't born yet. His Mom comes all the way from France, so living in New Brunswick it will be an asset if he's bilingual - LOL- He is or will be a certified service dog, and the bonus is that all his vet bills are covered by insurance the donor will take out on him. I am not sure what coverage is available for dogs, but he will be fully covered and the only expense I will have is his food and anything I get to spoil him. Training will begin where he is born and the rest will be done with the donor and myself over skype or whatever the new technology is they use these days. They were going to fly him to me at their expense, however I think I will drive to him, spend some time there with the training and bring him home to his new forever home. I am trying to scrape enough money together to put up a farm fence for his protection when outside. Bears here are rampant and a man and dog were attacked recently. The dog went after the bear, dog became airborn when close enough to the bear, then the bear attacked the man. Major injuries to the man, mainly his head, but both the dog and man lived. Turned out there was a cub between them and we all know how vicious a momma bear can be when babies are around. I had a bear and cub about 500 yards from me this summer, and the cub ran right in front of my car another time, so protection is the utmost for my new boy. Another reason to get out of this province and back to decent civilization. House is up for sale, but around here it usually takes 1-2 years to sell. Once I am in full contact with the donor I will post pictures hopefully of "Koda" - and the donor is thrilled with the name.

[Budsters Mom]

Such wonderful news to start out the new year! I am thrilled for you!

Kathy

[molly muffin]

I would be freaking living that close to bears. Just not for me, no way and since I feel like I can say that I Know you to some extent, seriously Judi, they get snow there!!! Lots of it and bears, snow and bears, I cannot see this as the place for you to want to be.

I do think that this is a wonderful opportunity with Koda. So not born yet? You're getting him at what age? I got my golden at 6 weeks and girl, let me tell you, it's like having a two year old in your house for 4 years at least. LOL And they chew everything at first. It's just the golden way. coffee table legs, anything and everything. Mine like to bury the wood logs for the fireplace and she was an exceptional escape artist. No fence could hold her, she went under and over. Local humane society was on speed dial and the cops where known to pull up in front of the house and deliver Tasha from their back seat to our front door. She was the best dog though and traveled with me everywhere and I loved her to bits. She and my cat were a duo and I think once you survive puppy hood, and still have your sanity, you will be very happy.

[spdd]

No worries Sharlene. everyone here has a gun... including me. Just like living in the wild west, honestly. Had to try out rifles so it was light and small enough for me to manage, never mind the bullets. Bears are all hibernating right now, the worst time is in the spring. I do know the previous owner of my place shot 2 bears in the yard within the 13 years he was here, and it certainly could have been a bear that growled under my deck a couple of times. I broke a speed record getting back into the house both times. Snow so far hasn't been too bad but 40 cm is predicted for tomorrow and another 5-10 the next day. I was in Waubaushene for Christmas and it is far worse there then here, at least so far. No... the pup isn't born yet that I know of. I am getting most information from my cousin. The donor will be back from holidays this week so I will know for sure. My cousin may not be correct, and 5-6 month old pup will need a lot more training by the time I get him. I was told though by the time I do get him, he will even be able to carry my grocery bags, and do lots more so I really think my cousin may be wrong in the time frames she is giving me. I landed in Toronto and thought when we touched down, I am home.... but that didn't last long and back here I am. Don't know what I will do if the house sells, but coming back to Ontario is not an option due to expense. Nice country we have eh???? You contribute all your life and when it comes time to retire, you can't afford to live anymore. I am sure that goes for many places unfortunately. A one income household just doesn't cut it for sure in Ontario and live relatively decently. Added pics of me in photos... just exactly what I will be in a few years "Granny with a gun."

[molly muffin]

Yea I think you'll know more about time frame once you can speak with the sponsor.

Holy cow, I'd be running like crazy if i thought a bear was anywhere near me.
No idea what the answer is on the housing situation. :(

Those are some granny pics though. I don't know why it reminds me of the Clampets.

[spdd]

LOL- thought the same thing when I posted them, however here you have to have on pretty much 5 layers of clothing, and that's just to be warm inside. Hydro is bad here, and I have electric heat.

[spdd]

I don't know what the matter is with me, but the more I think about getting another dog, the more I am having reservations. It will be an expense to put up a fence for sure, but people keep telling me I will never have another dog like Keesh with how well behaved he was etc. I don't want to hear those things, and I certainly know every dog brings with them their own cuteness, quirks and special personality. It isn't that I expect a new dog to replace Keesh but I am having difficulty thinking about bonding with the new dog, never mind the responsibility that comes with it. Am I totally out to lunch and is this normal? Do you think I should hold off getting this dog with the way I am feeling? We certainly all know I need the companionship and the responsibility will keep me occupied, but I am really wondering and second guessing. Go ahead, lay it on me about what you think.

[Joan2517]

Sounds like newlywed jitters, Judi. Every dog is a responsibility.

I was sure I would never be able to love Sibbie when Victor sprung her on me. She is nothing like Lena. Doesn't listen, doesn't like to be held or cuddled (unless it's her idea), won't go in any carrier (and I've bought 4 different ones trying to get her to like it!), still goes on the wee wee pads, and won't go to just anyone, where Lee was always happy to greet a newcomer.

But I love her anyway. We have a different relationship, a totally different bonding. She does stick close when she thinks I'm getting ready to go somewhere, but doesn't watch my every move, like Lena did. Even though she won't cuddle up in bed, she makes sure she is next to me and leaning on some part of me. She always lays in my lap and gives a huge sigh when I touch her.

I miss Lee every day, but I miss Sibbles when I'm at work or not able to take her with me. It's different, but we have finally bonded. She's my little distraction from sadness and I love her and the boys with all my heart.

You'll figure out what's best for you. Maybe this is not the time, or maybe it is...you won't know until you try.

[labblab]

Sounds like newlywed jitters, Judi. Every dog is a responsibility...

...You'll figure out what's best for you. Maybe this is not the time, or maybe it is...you won't know until you try.

I think what Joan has written is very wise, Judi. I don’t think it’s surprising or weird at all that you’re having second thoughts as the time grows closer. Actually, I think it’s very natural. Changes of any sort — even good changes — can be very anxiety-provoking. But after sharing these last years together with you here on the forum, I think you should give it a try. I think you are ready to give it a try, even though it may not feel that way to you right now. If things truly do not work out and it became necessary down the line to rehome the pup, I would expect that in this situation the breeder/trainer would take the dog directly back themselves in order to arrange another appropriate placement.

But the quirky thing is that you may find it easier to connect with this new pup if he actually isn’t a whole lot like Keesh. Of course the natural tendency is to make comparisons, but if this new little guy exhibits his own personality, it may make it easier to embark on an entirely new journey. When Barkis died, I know I was looking for “him” in every single yellow Lab boy that I saw or met. My heart ached anew when he wasn’t there; when he wasn’t anywhere. So when my husband and I decided to bring another pup home, we agreed to ask for a black female. I was so torn up that I thought I literally needed our new dog to look totally different to at least avoid the physical comparison. I now realize that probably wasn’t necessary at all (and of course, now we have our yellow Lab, Luna). From Day 1, Peg was her own self, with many characteristics that were very different from Barkis. But the one big thing that hadn’t changed was me. I needed to be needed. It was as simple as that. There were lots of challenges and even tears with a new puppy. But over time, I rejoiced once again in the companionship, in the solitary walks together, in the cuddling, in the inexplicable connection. And for sure, from the first moment that Peg walked into our home, I was no longer lonely in that awful aching way I was after Barkis left us.

I know you are not me, and so your feelings about all this need not be the same at all. But I do believe that your capacity to nourish a new pup remains as strong now as it was with Keesh. You were a wonderful mom, Judi. So I encourage you to give this a try. Don’t forget, we’ll be right here alongside you every step of the way ;-).

[molly muffin]

Oh Judi! Girl, I love you and I thought Keesh was absolutely adorable and the two of you together where even more adorable. I know how much you loved him and what he meant to you. There can be no replacement and so, first off, don't go looking at any new dog in your life in that regard. The new guy, he won't be Keesh, he won't act like keesh and he won't be what Keesh was to you. He'll be his own doggie and I personally think that having a companion in your life is Exactly what the doctor ordered. I say that because I know how much his loss affected you, I know off the changes that occurred at the same time you were going through everything with Keesh and how much that too affected you. I think and this is my own noisy, busy body attitude speaking here, that you need a friend to share that house with out there in the country. To travel the next adventures with you.

A dog will not make things easier, it will thinks harder, you have to accommodate their existence after all. But the joys you will have. To play with, to jump in the car and go with you, to go on road trips together. I think there are great possibilities here and I hope that you will be open to them and that it will work out.

If it doesn't, as Marianne said, the breeder/trainer will probably be willing to take back if for some reason you don't bond. But I think you will.

HUGS

[spdd]

Thanks for your input. I am of the understanding that if for any reason I have to surrender the dog, it goes back to the breeder, however even typing this I figure the only way it will is over my dead body, hopefully.

[DoxieMama]

Judi, you probably already know this but I'm going to say it anyway. The others have given you some great input regarding this decision, and it sounds like you have made it.

I want to follow up all that and remind you that when you bring Koda home, you may or may not bond with him right away. But I have no doubt that you WILL bond with him, in time. It may be immediate, or it may take weeks or even months. One day, perhaps when you aren't expecting it, Koda will do something... and you will know. It might be a big thing - greeting you in the morning or when you return from being away (even if just for 5 minutes). Or it may be a small thing - a tilt of his head, a sigh, the way he looks at you while waiting for a treat or his dinner. Or maybe it won't be something he does at all. But you'll know.

I cannot wait to hear all about him, and for that moment when you know. He's yours. And you wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh, one more thing. Even after that moment, you might still have doubts, questions, worries, etc. But it will all be worth it... for Koda. And most especially, for you.

Hugs.
Shana

[spdd]

Thanks Shana... I thought of that.... I just don't want the pup to become attached and yet I can't. Guess there's no way of finding out other then to give this a go. I know he will get all kinds of attention from me and I will try my darnedest to make this work. Won't I be surprised if the dog doesn't like me LOL

[apollo6]

Dear Judi
I was told over and over that Apollo was one in a million, the best little man, travelled great on the plan, great in the car, so noble, so regal. Apollo is and will always be my heart dog. Nothing could, would replace him. Four months after he died , I was struggling with unbearable grief. I felt like Apollo was pushing me to get another dog. I finally adopted little Ariel. It took me a long time to love him. I was always comparing him to Apollo. After almost 4 years I am starting to love him. I did not want a puppy at my age. Apollo was my one and only baby. I felt like Apollo was saying the best you could do is share that love with another. Don't quash that love. You will know if this is right for you. The day I brought Ariel home I was so nervous wondering if I had done the right thing. Once I held him in my arms, I just melted. I could have returned him also after a week, but I did not. I realized I had a place in my heart for Apollo and Ariel. I am glad I adopted Ariel at 3 years old. He has issues,anxiety, fears,etc. Apollo was my warrior, I am Ariel's protector. Life is so much more richer with a dog to share it with.
No one can tell you what to do. Only you can. Listen to your inner voice.
Love Sonja and Apollo

[spdd]

Today is I guess an appropriate day. Koda's mommy is celebrating Valentine's day and if all goes well, there will be buns in the oven.

[DoxieMama]

Hahaha... I'm looking forward to puppy updates!

[labblab]

Oh me too!!!!! Surely hoping all went well yesterday and that baby Koda’s new little life has begun!!

[molly muffin]

Whoo hoooo did you get a valentine birth? do tell us all!

[spdd]

It was a Valentine's conception.(mommy was showing daddy how valentines can be) - LOL .. he should be with me if all goes well mid June. They keep the service dogs with their owners while training re separation problems. It's quite the procedure we will be going through. Looking forward to it if only I could get a fence up. I wouldn't dare walk him around here due to bears, will have to drive 25 minutes into town for walks in the park. Not sure how that will work next winter so a fence is a must. Ck out my facebook Sharlene and see the ripoff prices they want around here for fencing.... sticker shock everywhere.

[molly muffin]

A Valentines baby. You're right, how appropriate.

Good grief Judi. I don't think I could handle being out in the complete boondocks. Everything cost more and no neighbors to do the dog walking bonding thing with.

[spdd]

So today hopefully I will know if the Valentine's rendezvous was a success. The breeder/trainer herself has had some personal health issues or I probably would have known last week. I am promised an x-ray if all is well, so we will see. In the meantime I have posted pictures of Koda's mommy named Charlotte, as a puppy and full grown in my album "Koda" . I believe she is 2 yrs. old. I sure hope this was a success, but the cost of fencing here is just outrageous.

[Joan2517]

She looks beautiful, Judi!

[labblab]

She sure does! Fingers crossed for muffins in the oven :-))))))))))

[molly muffin]

Oh my gosh Judi, she is beautiful. I just love her look. Crossing fingers!!!

[spdd]

As I sit here weeping again there will be no Koda.... seems what I was told and what is going on is entirely different. When I get over this I will elaborate more.

[labblab]

Oh Judi :-(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

We’re here for you whenever you’re ready to talk, OK?

[Joan2517]

Oh no.....I'm so sorry, Judi.

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Judi, I am so sorry too.

[Budsters Mom]

This is not okay!!! :( I am so very sorry!

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh no. :(:(:(:(:( I know your heart is broken, Judi. I am so sorry.

[molly muffin]

NO!!! What on earth happened Judi! Sending you great big hugs. I don't know how communication could have gotten so mixed up but I really thing that someone needs to do some serious explaining as this is just heart breaking for you.

Big hugs

[Budsters Mom]

I am totally mystified by this information? It just can't be true. Please update us with more information as you're able. Again, I am so sorry.

[labblab]

Still here, too, and feeling so sad and worried for you, Judi. What a disappointment...!!!!

Please talk with us just as soon as the words will come.

[spdd]

So the gist of the story is... that the dog was never guaranteed. If there were enough puppies born, then I would get one. Although still a very generous offer, I had to prepare such as have a fence built, while trying to sell the house. I wasn't prepared for that information at all and certainly wasn't going to have a fence built with the chance of a puppy that may never come . I never got to speak to the breeder herself, so all the information such as no cost to me re the care of the dog was never verified, so I just had to make the decision and say no. It was better for me at this time to have a definitive decision then to wait and see. I hesitated also because the breeder could have contacted me, but never did, so now I know why.... it just wasn't sitting right with me. I would never get to see the puppy before I received it, and there has never been a dog yet that I've had that I didn't at least get to see it, hold it, or spend some time with it. That was another huge factor as well. There are other issues too... but that is the basics.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hang in there, friend. I have to believe things will start to look up for you soon. :)

[labblab]

Aw gosh, Judi. What a bummer. I’m just so sorry, too.

I don’t normally get branded as a glass half full kinda girl, but I’m thinking maybe things will truly work out better a little later on — like you say, when you get resettled in another home and in a place without bears! And also in a situation where you and a pup can meet and form a connection.

So Koda may still be a twinkle in somebody’s eye, waiting for the time and place to be right for you both. That sure doesn’t change your hurt and disappointment now, though, and for that I’m so righteously peeved on your behalf!

Marianne

[spdd]

Well the first warning sign... was why was I getting a puppy when originally told it was a service dog and all the things it would do or could do. Then told I would get cd's and be able to train it myself. I was under the impression that the dog originally would be chosen for me, trained and then sent to me... the whole story was changing as time went on.

[Budsters Mom]

Judi, you are much more gracious than I would be in this situation. Frankly, I am really ticked off about the way you were mislead. I'm sure they meant well to even offer, but that is all very little solace right now. Yes, it did sound too good to be true, a fairy tale of sorts, but we were all hoping that it would come true for you. Alittle joy to offset so much sorrow.

A very special pup will find it's way to you when the time is right. It will be love at first sight. Until then, we'll keep you in our hearts and thoughts always.

[Joan2517]

I'm with Kathy...I would be so pissed right now. I have a friend who always tells me that things happen as they should, which is not always what I want to hear, but she is right more often than wrong. When we were looking for houses at least three that we loved fell through at the last moment and I was so disappointed. She just said that they weren't the houses we were meant to get. Then we found this one...and of course she was right.

The dog you are meant to get is out there, Judi...one is waiting for all the love you have to give, and with all the love they have to give back to you.

[Squirt's Mom]

See? What Joan said!
The dog you are meant to get is out there, Judi...one is waiting for all the love you have to give, and with all the love they have to give back to you. ;):)

[spdd]

I saw on my cousins FB thread the puppies were born last week. Looked at the picture and thought one of them would have been mine. Wonder if they will call one Koda... time will tell.

[labblab]

Ah gosh, Judi, it must be bittersweet to see those puppies. But *your* Koda will arrive in the time that’s right for you both. I really trust in that!

[molly muffin]

Hugs Judi. I'm sure that was difficult to look at.

[spdd]

I posted a picture of the new puppies in my Koda album.... mother is Charlotte.. they are sooooooooooo sweet.

[labblab]

Judi, do you think there’s a chance that you still might get one of the puppies after all, or has that ship truly sailed?

[molly muffin]

They are cute. Oh yes Marianne i was wondering too. And chance you wii still be able to get one Judi?

[spdd]

Unfortunately no, I won't be getting one, but it sure pulls at the heart strings.

[spdd]

So, I haven't posted since April. Time flies. Nothing much has changed. The house is up for sale but here it could take years to sell. I am speaking from experience as houses in this province just seem to linger on listings forever. It's a poor province for sure, with the highest taxes, go figure. Still missing "mah boy" terribly and it's almost 4 years now. I do ok most of the time, but even just writing his name here brings tears. Hope all my wonderful friends on here are coping and doing fine. Use my thread here to update me on how everyone is....you guys know you are the best and that actually goes without saying.

[labblab]

Hi Judi, and thanks so much for posting this update! Boy, I surely hope you don’t have to wait all that long to sell your house. I know it’s felt like an albatross hanging around your neck, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you’ll soon be freed up to find a more satisfactory living situation.

I can hardly believe that it’s been almost four years since Keesh left you, and us as well. I know you’ll never forget him, and we’ll never forget all that he’s meant to you. That will never change, ever. I so appreciate your kind words about our family, and I send you my warmest greetings today, and every day!

Marianne

[spdd]

Hi guys... been awhile again. No the house never sold, only had 2 showings one being this weekend. The listing will come down in a couple of days and I will have to hunker down for the winter. I just pray it isn't as horrendous as the last one. On Monday I came home from a Thanksgiving dinner, and sitting in my driveway as comfortable as could be was the golden retriever from next door. For a split second I thought it was Keesh, then realized of course it wasn't. Sure made me nostalgic about "mah boy" waiting for his Mommy to come home. I don't think I've stopped tearing up now since. The feeling for a dog waiting for you to come home, even though you loved it when they were here, that moment felt even more special. I took it for granted so many times, and if I ever get another dog, I will never, ever take it for granted again. Hope everyone is doing well.... nothing has changed with me, same old, same old.

[Harley PoMMom]

(((Hugs)))

[Joan2517]

I know...that is such a great feeling. I am greeted by four of them now, but I still miss looking through the glass on the front door and seeing my little Lena looking at me.

[labblab]

Awwww Judy, I sure understand why your heartstrings were tugged especially hard on Monday. And gosh, I’m sorry that your house didn’t sell before winter sets in again. I hate to think of you stuck there for another season! Do keep checking in with us, OK? Even though nothing too exciting may be happening, we still want to know what’s up. Just this week I reopened the doors to our “holiday house” here on the forum, so please drop by either here or there when the mood strikes.

Sending tons of hugs and my warm thoughts your way,
Marianne

[spdd]

Happy Birthday sweet peas.... 19 years ago today the absolute love of my life came into this world and gave me 15 of the happiest years. There was never any bond greater that I experienced then what this supposed small dog came with. Pleasantly surprised that he became the size he did and loved his color so much, but then again he was always full of wonderful surprises. I've never missed anything more in this world and there will never, ever be anything to replace "mah boy." Wherever you are Keesh... Mommy misses you with an ache that has never gone away.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY big boy.

[Joan2517]

Awww, Judi...Happy Birthday, Keesh!

[labblab]

Judi, thinking of you and your sweet boy today, as well!

Tons of hugs flying your way,
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Happy Birthday, Keesh!!

[spdd]

GONE- 4 years today.... unbelievable.

[labblab]

(((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

[Harley PoMMom]

((((((Hugs))))))

[Joan2517]

Four years...many, many hugs, Judi.

[spdd]

Thanks guys....

[spdd]

I am outraged. How stupid can people be? The experience I had with the new veterinarian that euthanized Keesh was horrific. Laughing and giggling behind a door, while I lay on the floor with the "love of my life" as he was slipping away. Then she comes back in, shaves his leg, administers the last dose and leaves again. It was sooooo bad that I had to have grief counselling over it, and if it hadn't been for me picking him up a couple of days later and taking him to the crematorium myself (exceptional treatment there) I would never have been normal again, I'm sure. So today, this morning matter of fact 4 years and 2 months later I get a #$$%^ email from them for a dental promotion they are having. Don't they read the charts and realize he has been gone so long or are they just plain stupid. I am hurt, pissed right off, and more then outraged at how unprofessional this place is. To top it all off they never refunded me the transportation costs I had paid them in advance to take him to the crematorium. Not sure how I'm going to handle this but it brought all the emotions back instantly.... and they are going to hear from me big time.

[Joan2517]

That is outrageous!

[Squirt's Mom]

aww Judi, that is awful! I am so sorry you are subjected to such unprofessional behavior once again. Take time to breath and calm a bit then tell them how you felt about this treatment!

[spdd]

Well I looked up their website and seems to be a new owner. Even so, you would have thought the last vet would have noted something on his record (if they even kept one) or destroyed it, or better yet taken their old files of departed patients when they sold the business. I just emailed them back and said don't email me again... my pet has been dead for over 4 years.

[Joan2517]

They only need to keep records for three years. I looked it up when I was trying to get Lena's Ultrasound report and they couldn't find it...I never did get it and the three years is up next month.

[spdd]

Update... sitting here with actually 8 ft of snow so far since October 24th... 5 months of winter and I've had it. The house is not sold but who in their right mind would be travelling around here in the winter looking for a house. I have had to have my laneway plowed now 15 times as I couldn't get the car out and we have another dumping coming this weekend. I am so sick of this place I could literally scream and too old to cope with this weather.
We have the highest sales tax in Canada, food prices are outrageous, the highest natural gas in Canada, electricity is out of sight and to add to all this mess, there was so much snow on the roof, I had to have someone come and shovel it off. This place is going to bankrupt me, seriously if I cannot get out of here in the next couple of months. Never, ever move to the Canadian Atlantic provinces... you'll be shocked beyond belief, and the gov't ripoffs are just as bad. Good thing I didn't get a dog, there is no where for it to be on my property other then the laneway. The snow in my yard is way over my head and that includes 10 ft of snow banks I have shovelled just to make a small path from my front door to the car. Snow banks on the road are way over the car roofs making driving dangerous as well at any intersection. If I had only known before I trekked here. A lady in her 70's who has lived here all her life said last year was the worst she had seen it in her entire life, that is until this year which is far worse.

It will cost me about 5000 dollars to get back to Ontario.... but it is worth every penny just to be home again. The isolation and loneliness grabs me almost everyday, but I'm hanging in. I would have abandoned the house and left a long time ago, but insurance companies want almost 600 dollars to insure the place because the fire dept. is so far away.. and yet they won't cover for vandalism.. now what would be the first thing someone would break to get in.. a window and that's considered vandalism. Again another ripoff in my opinion.
I have been checking on posts every now and then to keep up to date. I sure hope others are coping better then I am. It has been harsh everywhere this winter, however I have to say it is non-stop here.
I was at one point the life of the party, a wicked sense of humour and up for almost anything within reason, but this place has destroyed any semblance of that completely. I sure hope it comes back once I'm out of this what I call the "outhouse of Canada"
Ok that's enough Bi*(^% for awhile. Have to start taking some pics and getting rid of stuff before I get to the packing. If this house ever sells, I will be a complete blur as I close the door on this place for the last time, and want everything done well in advance of closing.

[labblab]

Awww Judi, I sure hope spring comes early for you this year, both literally and figuratively!! I know it’s been such a struggle ever since making this move, and this winter definitely sounds like the worst yet. We’ve been having such a wet winter, too, but it’s all rain for us. Rain, rain, and more rain. I’m so sick of clouds and rain that I could scream. But rain doesn’t carry the same travel woes as do snow and ice, so my grounds for complaint are a whole lot more limited than yours.

I do think a person’s living situation — and yes, the weather — can have a huge impact on their personality. So I’ll truly hope that you can return to Ontario as soon as possible. And who knows, once you get resettled, it may finally be the right time to introduce a new companion into your life. I know there’s much to be done beforehand, but all we can do is take one step at a time. And the fact that you’re making these plans seems like a mighty important first step to me. So keep on hanging on!!! The sun will surely shine again. It just has to!

Sending my warmest wishes northward,
Marianne

[spdd]

Thanks Marianne... nothing has changed other then at least we are getting temps over the freezing mark. Still have huge piles of snow. There has been no activity on the house at all... and now I can't even get the real estate agent to return my emails. Typical though of every trade I have dealt with here. If you were on my FB account you would see exactly what I mean and what it is like here. Oh well... I trudge on. Love this forum and without a doubt love the people on it. I am grateful for that. Hopefully soon I will have an attitude adjustment as they say... and once again will feel normal again.

[spdd]

FINALLY !!!!!!!! SOME GOOD NEWS !!!!!! I HOPE !!!!!!! An offer came in on the house and I accepted. If all goes well I will be out of this horrid, horrid province and back to Ontario. Where I'm going I have no clue, but at this point I don't care. I am sure when the car crosses the border from Quebec to Ontario, I will stop the car and literally kiss the ground. I hate to get myself so excited, as all things here have been a debacle, but I am really hoping this works out. It has been an eye opener as to how they deal with real estate here, not even sure if the law they have should be enforced as it costs the seller more money, but at this point I don't care. I will miss my brother who is 82 now and chances are I won't see him again in this lifetime, but I can't tolerate what goes on here and stay because of him. I have a sister and 1 more brother in Ontario plus another brother in North Carolina, but my kids and grandkids are in Ontario too... and I haven't seen any of them in almost 1 1/2 years. I will keep you posted. Moving day is May 15th if all conditions are met by May 6th..... keep your fingers crossed please for me.... if this falls through, I will need a straight jacket and a rubber room for sure.

[labblab]

Oh Judi, I’m so relieved for you and I’ll totally keep all fingers crossed that everything works out!!! You soooooooooooo deserve getting a break, and I sure hope this is it! Definitely keep us updated as things proceed, OK?

[Katy1]

Oh Judi....

During alll your misery, you made time to think of my baby Annie. I’m SOOOOOO happy that you have an opportunity to move back to a place and people you love and who love you! I will pray it all works out for you.

I think I also read that you may have a new pup on the way. I’m just sending all the best wishes and hugs I can muster your way. Best of everything to you and Keesh has a big smile on his beautiful face. Blessings, Karen

[spdd]

BAD NEWS AGAIN !!!! The buyers backed out of the deal. Got an email tonight from my real estate agent. I had contacted all utilities, lawyer, movers and was ecstatic, but today was a little apprehensive as nobody called to set up appts. re inspection, water testing etc. which was a condition the tentative buyer put in the offer. Sure enough... that gut feeling was right. They have a funny way of doing things in this province. Usually there is a small deposit with an offer where I come from to show good faith. Not here though, so a buyer literally could go around putting in several offers on several homes, then pick the best counter offer and leave everyone else holding the bag. I am beyond devastated.... I just wanted to go home.

[labblab]

BAD NEWS AGAIN !!!! The buyers backed out of the deal. Got an email tonight from my real estate agent. I had contacted all utilities, lawyer, movers and was ecstatic, but today was a little apprehensive as nobody called to set up appts. re inspection, water testing etc. which was a condition the tentative buyer put in the offer. Sure enough... that gut feeling was right. They have a funny way of doing things in this province. Usually there is a small deposit with an offer where I come from to show good faith. Not here though, so a buyer literally could go around putting in several offers on several homes, then pick the best counter offer and leave everyone else holding the bag. I am beyond devastated.... I just wanted to go home.

Oh Judi! :(:(:(:(:(:(

I’m soooooooooooooo sorry. How disappointing and frustrating. All I can hope is that with spring and summer arriving, more people will be out and about and searching for a new property for themselves. Try not to give up hope. I know that’s hard. But all it takes is just one buyer to NOT fall through. Surely that one person is still out there somewhere. But please, please, please we hope they show up sooner rather than later...!

[Katy1]

Oh Judi, i’m so sorry to hear about your house situation. I can’t imagine your frustration and anguish. Please don’t give up hope—we are here rooting for you but I know that doesn’t translate into $. I sincerely appreciate you askiiing about my Annie—that meant so much coming from so far away. She is recovering well. I hope you are still considering adopting the pup. No matter how bad things may seem at anytime, you need that physical unconditional love and distraction from the real world. Blessings to you. and I hope your brother is doing OK.

Blessings to you. Karen

[Squirt's Mom]

Hang in there, Judi! Things have to change in your favor at some point! I was just so hopeful this was it and I cried with you when I read your post they had backed out. But I am keeping faith that you WILL find a way to get back to Ontario and find peace once again.

Hugs,
Leslie

[labblab]

Hey Judi, just popping in again to let you know I’m thinking about you, and hoping daily for some better news...

[labblab]

Just checking in again and hoping you’re not getting too downhearted, Judi. All it takes is one buyer — just one. Fingers remain crossed!

[spdd]

Thanks guys.... I have reduced the house and taking a 30 thousand dollar hit. The only place in the world I'm sure where real estate is not nor never has been an investment... who knew!!!! No action at all, but the agent came and took a video of the place on Monday, but all I see is the Facebook link being directed to the previous owner. Guess they want to show the old owner what I did to the place. It was soooo disgusting, too bad I didn't show potential buyers the before and after pictures, but I was working so hard I just didn't have the time, plus was running back and forth between Ontario and New Brunswick until the house was finished. I go weeks without talking to anyone re the house.. went out yesterday to take my brother for tests in another city, and sure enough messages when I got home, but I can't accomodate the agent wanting to show the house , as I have a previous committment. Figures... LOL

[spdd]

So the latest update.... I am going home to Ontario, thanks to my family. Will be staying at a friends just outside of Ottawa. The house has NOT sold, but I think the issue is being such a small town, I am suing the buyers that backed out and the real estate company. That alone eliminates 1/3 of buying potential if not all, considering everyone knows everyone else here. I am legally right, and stand on principal, so guess that's the issue. The agents from different agencies all know each other of course, so I have to assume bad news travels fast. I am glad I still have that little fight left in me still... even though that is waning quickly. I cannot find anyone at all to winterize the house, put all my appliances up for sale and that alone drives me insane as everyone wants something for nothing, nobody returns calls and on it goes. This has been the worst years of my life, hands down and without the comfort of a dog, it at times has been unbearable. Physically and mentally, not sure how much more I can stand, but somehow I do what I have to do, albeit very slowly. I have told everyone, that this province is never to be mentioned to me again, that's how much I despise it and all it represents. I am going to blog about all the injustices and outright crap that has gone on and I'm sure by the time it is finished and read.... this province might as well take itself off the map. Yup.. that's how repulsed I am. I have been reading all the updates but just haven't had the fortitude to come on and make remarks. Depression will do that to you... but with any luck this abyss I am in will start turning around, when and if the house sells and of course back in Ontario. My most sincere condolences to all of you who have lost your babies. My heart breaks for you all. There is nothing in this world better then a heart dog for sure... even your kids move away-LOL- but our pups are always with us till the end. Hope you all are doing well.... I move in 1 1/2 weeks, so again it will be awhile before I become part of the normal world again and with any luck will be a little more uplifting and supportive on here when things settle.

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Judi, I am so sorry that things are going the way they are and do hope that a positive change happens soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers and know we are here for you...sending huge and loving hugs.

[Katy1]

Judi,
I’m so happy for you, Ontario is where your soul needs to be. Blessings and safe travels, Karen

[labblab]

Hi Judi, just wanted to stop by with my fingers crossed that you’ve safely moved to Ontario and are starting to settle in. You’ve weathered so much heartache and frustration over these past months. I’m surely hoping the sun is finally shining down upon you and that your spirits are lifting!

We’ll be patiently awaiting an update whenever you’re ready to rejoin us. Tons of hugs flying your way,
Marianne