Squirt - my Queen has crossed The Bridge

[Iraklis]

Just saw this happened...
So very sorry for Squirt...
Hang on...

[Casey's Mom]

Leslie I am so sorry to hear of Squirts passing. You were there for me right from the start and I always loved hearing your stories about Squirt - they made me laugh and cry. I also understood all too well the worry and fear in your voice.

By far the hardest part of owning a dog is what you are dealing with right now. We know that when one of these angels comes into our lives it will leave us broken hearted, but while they are with us they teach us so much - most of all unconditional love.

Love and hugs dearest Leslie,

[Bo's Mom]

Oh Dearest Leslie,
I was so saddened to read about Squirt. Words can't truly express how sorry I am. Across the cyber miles, I send the biggest ((((HUGS)))).
Fly Free Sweet Angel Squirt....go meet others who have gone and await you with open arms at the bridge. You will forever be loved, cherished, and missed by all who were so lucky to have known you.

[bgdavis]

I'm very sorry for your loss of Squirt. I have followed you and her for many years and I know the heartbreak you feel. But Squirt is running free, healthy and spry at the Rainbow Bridge.

Bonnie and Angel Criss Ann

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

Popping in to send you some hugs before I head to bed... hope your taking care of yourself and the rest of the gang is doing OK. Thinking of you xxx

[My sweet Ginger]

Dear Leslie,

Praying for you and the gang for a painful but necessary transition to the life without Squirt who now lives only in your hearts. Hugs. Song.

[addy]

Stopping by to give you hugs. Thinking of you.

[Squirt's Mom]

To say “Thank you” is never enough. I hope you all know how very much I appreciate each and every word. To hear you say that Squirt touched your life in some way, that she brought a smile to your face and laughter to your voice is priceless to me, a tribute to my Queen that is immeasurable. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The babies are alright. Fox never got to know Squirt well so has not been affected. Trinket has been depressed, not eating Thurs. and little more Fri., but is better now, tho she still sometimes searches the closet and places Squirt used to lay, and is a bit more clingy than usual. Brick, sweet thing that he is, said his goodbyes while Squirt was still here. He would lay by her side or sit with his back touching hers often her last couple of days. He knew. He slept more than usual Fri. but is back to his normal self now. Sophie was the hardest hit. It finally occurred to me that she has been around Squirt her whole life and lived with her the last 4 years, first in Sardis then here when she moved in with us. There is no question in my mind that she sees Squirt. Thurs. nite she was stuck to me like glue, her ears down, her tail tucked and from time to time her hackles raised and she would whimper. She was like this all Thurs. nite and most of Fri. morning, then she calmed a little bit but remained clingy and more nervous until yesterday. Yesterday her appetite was back and she played with one of her toys. She stills sticks closer than she used to and often acts as if she sees something, watching it move, physically reacting. Say what you will, she sees Squirt.

I wish I could tell you my Sweet Bebe’s passing was easy – it was not. Her little body was in worse shape than I thought. Because of the Cushing’s, age, and all the meds she had been on, her veins were shot. They kept collapsing and tearing when Doc tried to give the injection. I held her head and told her it was alright, but it wasn’t; it hurt, she cried out once when the vein blew. I lied to her. It wasn’t alright. This memory, these images, these sounds keep me from being able to talk. I open my mouth and a black vomitus of guilt, what-ifs, why-didn’t-Is, regret, self-reproach and raw red agony comes pouring forth. I want her back. I want a chance to change my mind, to tell Doc “never mind”. Most of all, I have wanted forgiveness from Squirt.

Night before last, I was sitting in bed in my usual manner and I saw Squirt’s tail passing by below me as if she were going to lay on her rug by the bed. Her tail was up, held high instead of tucked between her legs like it has been for most of this last year. I thought to myself, “She’s feeling better tonight”….and then remembered why that was. Yesterday morning I was on the front porch watching the sun come up and storm clouds roll in against a pink sky. As I watched the clouds, there came Squirt in cloud shape. Her head was down, mouth open in a grin, ears pricked forward, her back legs were tucked up under her belly, her back arched and butt up, her tail up and blurred as if wagging. It looked like she was doing her silly little happy dance – a bouncy, ground-slapping, hopping, twirling run she would do when very happy about something. I have prayed to all who would hear for a sign that Squirt was alright now and that she could forgive me one more time. I believe these visions are my answer.

I am once again shattered, large pieces ripped away that cannot be replaced. Wounds, old and new, lay open, the lightest brush excruciatingly painful. In spite of the many treasured ties to this time and space, to this Life, it is the promises made to the Dead that hold me here. So I will again stitch the wounds closed and cobble the remaining pieces together then learn to walk in this new world. In time, I will be alright; I’m a survivor so I have no other choice.

Again, thank you all. Your support eases me, sustains me. Thank you most of all for loving Squirt.

(Sorry, I can't seem to bring myself to sign this)

[My sweet Ginger]

I'm so sorry Leslie. I'm crying and my heart is aching for both you and Squirt along with yours. I'm praying for you that you will stay strong and with time to get past this immeasurable painful moment in your life.
I'm so sorry, Leslie. Many hugs.

Thank you very much for talking to us when it's so very difficult for you.

[mcdavis]

Oh Leslie, my heart is breaking for you and the pups. I so wish we could take the pain away.
What a wonderful image of Squirt doing her happy dance in the clouds now that she is free of illness.
HUGS

[labblab]

Dear Leslie,

Thank you so much for coming back to talk with us. I know it must have been a very, very hard thing to do. My heart breaks upon hearing how difficult Squirt's final morning was for you both. There was absolutely no way to predict those complications, but I can only imagine your agony when your only wish was to give her peace and comfort. Peace did come for little Squirty, but I know it was not in the manner for which you had prayed.

So now you must find a way to make peace for yourself. I know this will not be easy nor quick. But you deserve to find peace, Les. You did what you believed would be best for Squirt her entire life, and death. Some things are beyond our power to know and achieve. All we can do is what we hope is best at any one moment. And that is what you did for Squirty, always.

We love you, and we will do anything we can to support you. Even if it is just to listen. We are really good listeners, you know (you've taught us well!). So please come back when you are ready. We are waiting for you with open arms and open hearts.

Many hugs to you, my dear friend.
Marianne

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest, sweet Leslie,

There is NO room and especially no reason for guilt of any nature. My dear, sweet Leslie, you are the kindest, most loving, and caring person I have the privilege to know.

Squirt knows, just like we do, that your love and devotion to her is immeasurable, and that you always have your precious babies best interest at heart.

Please stop being so hard on yourself, there just isn't a reason for that. We love you and all your precious babies.

Love and huge hugs, Lori

[Woodydog]

Leslie

I'm useless with words at a time like this but wanted you to know you are in my
Thoughts

((((Hugs)))))

[Robert]

Hi Leslie
I am so sorry again. It is a terrible miserable time and even though at the time we know we are doing the right thing we always second guess after. The vet after tommy left said that is one common element of the people who are great pet owners. And you are up there at the top of the pile.
The cloud comment reminded me of tom - the day after saw a cloud and thought there's tom- even took pictures of it. They are always with us.
And how true is the first saying in your signature block.
Squirt was as lucky to have found you as you were to find squirt.

[molly muffin]

Oh Leslie :( Big hugs to you. I know that isn't the way you envisioned Squirts last moments to be but I am sure, absolutely positive, that she is now not sick and still loves her mommy and watches over all of you. Sophie knows it too.

I wish I could take away your pain. I can't and since I'm not there, I'll send you a bit virtual hug, but know that if I was there, you've be getting hugs for real and the babies all having belly rubs.

Remember, to yourself be true.
You were always true to Squirt, do no less for you.

hugs and love
Sharlene

[beaglemom3]

Dearest Leslie,
Please do not feel guilty, everything you did was with a full heart filled with love and your Queen Squirt knew that. She knew it every moment she was with you. The sign you saw was Squirt telling you she is fine and not in any pain or suffering and I truly believe she wants you to stop feeling guilty for anything. The love you and Squirt have for each other transcends time and space. Squirt carries that love in her heart and soul even now.

I hope and pray you find peace with Squirts passing and know we are all here for you whenever you need us to be.

Squirt is with you in other ways but she is there.

Much love,
Vicki

[addy]

Oh Leslie,

I have tried so hard to picture Squirt swimming in the pool from days long a go. I loved that so and it brought me great comfort to remember those days.

We walked hand in hand you and I this last year with our sweet girls. I wish I could tell you this will all go away, it may but it will take some time. Zoe's last day will haunt me for the rest of my life I think. These emotions we have when we lose them cant be ignored, we all pay that price I fear, for the love we shared with our babies.

I am so glad you came to tell us, we are all so worried about you. You and Squirt mean so much to so many of us.

I know Squirt will come to you as Zoe has come to me. We know they are both happy and free of pain and love us just like they always have. Just as our love for them never ends, neither does their love for us. Both are eternal, endless.

I give you hugs. I know you are a survivor and your other babies need you. They are what will sustain you when it is so hard.

Leslie, I wish I could turn back the clock for us both, I wish I could dry your tears, wipe away the hurt, guilt, anger, fear, all of that.

But dearest friend, I cannot. So just know how much I really do care.

[apollo6]

Dear Leslie,through the tears, words can not comfort you now. I wish we all could enfold you with a circle of our love, and support. Squirt will always be there with you. Be open to feeling her presence. Do what ever comforts you. No one can tell you how hard it is to loose your baby. You and Angel Squirt are in my prayers.
Please know we are here for you. It is time for us to comfort you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
the lose is always there, piece of you dies with them.

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie, I absolutely believe that we can be contacted from Heaven!
My mother's youngest brother was kind of a rabble rouser and liked to get into tiffs at the local bar. For some reason, he always liked me as a kid and spent time with me whenever we visited my grandmother who actually could barely stand me being in her presence. Long story there.

Uncle Gerry was hospitalized and in a coma. One night, I just KNEW that he had passed away and ran upstairs to my parents' bedroom. I literally reached their door as my grandmother called to tell them that he had passed away. I somehow also felt that he was ok and told my parents all of this. They never believed in such a thing until then.

Squirt is telling you that she's ok and there's nothing to feel guilty about. It was her time and her body was failing her, not you.

Hugs.

[Budsters Mom]

Dearest Leslie,

Know without a doubt that you and all of your precious babies are dearly loved. :p We grieve with you as we all love our Squirty. We have so many precious memories of our sweet girl.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[pansywags]

Leslie, I am so sorry for your pain. I feel stuck in my own grieving process and have been reading some books about pet loss. One passage in particular spoke to me as I am menaced by the what-ifs, and I copied it down just this morning. I hope there is something here that also soothes you in some small way.

"In the face of all the guilt experienced, I have the following bedrock belief: it's truly the exception that people did not act as best they could for their animals' highest good. They acted on their animals' behalf with the goal of having the best possible outcome and quality of life. Whatever decisions or choices were made, they were based on love and a consideration for the animal." -Betty J Carmack

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
Just thinking of you, and all your sweet babies, and of course your most precious girl ever, Squirty. Blessings
patti

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

I'm so very sorry

[addy]

Hey Leslie,

Stopping in to say hi and give hugs. Sending lots of love too!!!

[Squirt's Mom]

Thank you all for being here with me. I feel your love and support every minute of the day and night.

Today is one of those days when I am crying constantly and can't seem to stop for any length of time. Yesterday I felt dead myself - no emotion, no reaction, nothing...until I went to bed, then the freight train hit my chest again. It has been a week today and I find myself counting down the hours this morning - in 4 hours it will be a week, in 3 hours...., in 2 hours...now 1 hour. How can that be? How can it be that the sun still rises and sets, that life goes on, that I continue to breath? I don't know what I have done this past week other than wander around, start things that never get completed, and cook. Since Mon. I have been cooking like a mad woman...not eating much but my freezer is getting full. I guess cooking dog food has been such a huge part of my daily life that this is how I am compensating for no longer needing to cook for Squirt nor Grace.

I see her food in the freezer and get sick to my stomach. Even tho she wasn't eating, I thawed out ingredients for this weeks menu anyway. Part of me believed that somehow, someway she would pull out of this one more time. Seeing that bowl in the fridge with the thawed bags in it also made me sick. I tried to share with the babies but just couldn't put the food in their bowls and watch them eat it so I gave it to Mama (the coon) and stood on the porch crying as I watched her chow down. She loved it and it felt like a Sacred act to share Squirt's food with Mama, a continuation of the cycle of Life if you will.

My body and mind are completely exhausted. It occurred to me yesterday this is the first time in 2 1/2 years I haven't had a baby that required 24/7 attention. Since Tasha it has been one after the other...now the four that are here require very little compared to those babies and I am lost as well as tired. I find myself panicking that I have missed a med or not heard something or heard something. Meal times are crushing. Only four plates to fix, not six. One med to give, not many. No one requires frequent daily cleanings of body nor the areas where they hang out. So I roam and cry, take baths and cry, sleep and cry...but haven't screamed any more.

My mind knows that I did the right thing for Squirt even tho it didn't go as well as I prayed it would. Her little body was done and at any moment something much worse, much more painful for her, could have happened than a few hurtful injections. Something that could have caused her to suffer horribly for the half an hour or more it would have taken to get her to the vet. I wanted so badly to let her do this as she wished, on her own terms with no aid, but she couldn't let go. She refused all nourishment after Wed. afternoon when she ate a tiny bit of her food. Her muscle mass just melted off of her. She was so weak she couldn't hold her head up at times and was limp as a wet noodle when I would pick her up. I could feel her belly contracting when I held her, getting hard then soft again. She would feel extremely warm often, her little ears red so I know she had fever burning through her. Every move was obviously painful. But she kept on fighting. And I know she was fighting for me; she was afraid to leave me alone. I couldn't let her starve to death or face some catastrophic physical event, I just couldn't. So I broke another promise and helped her go. And I miss her so. Oh gods I miss her so.

[labblab]

I am holding out my arms to wrap you in a giant hug, Les. Squirt has made her passage, and you are in the midst of your own here on earth. Baby steps, baby steps. Sending you so much love. I am really glad Mama Coon received Squirt's communion meal. I choose to think that Mama's babies will now receive Squirt's strength and courage along with their own meal to come.

[beaglemom3]

Dear Leslie, my heart is breaking for you, I know that intense horrible emotional pain you are feeling, as many of us do, and I want so badly to make it better for you. I want to hug you so tight.
It is amazing how a week has past already, but keep in your thoughts Squirt is not suffering or in any pain anymore because you love her so much to let her go.

When my Cuddles passed over to the bridge I totally fell apart, he was my soulmate, when I got Snuggles who is named after Cuddles it was very clear to me Cuddles was part of Snuggles I can tell by the connection me and Snugs have, by how Snugs acts and does things, Squirt will make her presence known either through one of your other pups or a next one, I truly believe they do not leave us but come back to us in other ways.

Sending you thoughts and prayers of healing and peace.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
You are in my thoughts and always in my prayers. Blessings
Patti

[Squirt's Mom]

OMG! :eek: I'm wrong! It will be a week tomorrow, NOT today. omg.... :(:(:( Today is Thurs., not Fri. :( It was a week ago today that I called and made the appointment.

I thought the timing of her appetite and last food intake to her passing seemed wrong. :(:o She ate like usual Tues., refused treats Tues. nite; wouldn't eat anything Wed. even when put in her mouth until around 3:30 and she ate a little bit of her food; Wed. nite she accepted 2ml of NutriCal; Thurs. morning she took two licks of a fried egg, her favorite; after that anything I put in her mouth other than water or her herb tea at night either fell out or she pushed out....and she wouldn't always swallow them.

Can't believe I mixed up the days. :(

[Budsters Mom]

Oh Leslie,
You did the right thing for Squirt. You know that. Sometimes the right thing sucks! In this case, it definitely does! We are left to go on alone and have to learn to cope as the pain and numbness envelopes us. Squirt knows that she is adored above all else and that she has the most loving mom in the whole world. Your babies are very blessed Leslie. They have you! (((((Hugs))))))

[addy]

It's ok sweetie, you are in shock still and you cant think. Everything runs together and you keep reliving that last day over and over and you are blaming yourself even though you know there is no blame; we blame ourselves anyway. It is so dang hard, Leslie and I am so sorry about that. It will be almost 3 months since I lost Zoe. I cant sleep still. I wake up at 3am every night and lay there. We all process things in our own way in our own time.

Just talk it out if you can. We are here to listen and to hold you.

[molly muffin]

HUGS Leslie

love
Sharlene

[mcdavis]

HUGS from Henry and me too

[Buffaloe]

Oh Leslie,

I am so very sorry that you lost Squirt. My goodness, you did everything you could possibly have done for her and finally her little body just gave out.

Leslie, I do know that the grief is just so deep and it goes on and on. But, you know that you also have to take care of yourself. You have to eat some good food, get outside in the fresh air, try to sleep.

Squirt lived a GREAT life and she knows she was deeply loved all of the time. You take good care of yourself.

Ken and Maddie

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie,
grief can be all consuming at first. With everything else going on, mixing up the days isn't unexpected. Hugs.

[Bailey's Mom]

Hi Leslie,

I can remember how incredible the pain felt. They took Palmer to the back to get the needle inserted and then brought him back to us for us to hold him while the injection was given. Nothing was mentioned about having any difficulty. I too had hoped that Palmer would go to sleep one night, not to wake up the next day. He had already suffered way too much. It was not to be. That decision is no easier to make even if you have had to make it before.

Your wounds are so very raw now. Your pain is acute. Sharing your feelings, I think, is your best medicine. You write beautifully. Your writing provides a way for the emotion to be released a little each time. There is no easy way around this. Know that you are loved and supported by all who correspond with you here and that most, if not all, have experienced what you are going through and understand. Really understand. Be gentle with yourself. You made the best decisions you could all along the way with nothing but love in your heart for Squirt. Squirt was just saying "Ow!" Squirt wasn't placing blame.

I am sorry this is so hard.

Hugs,
Susan

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

I always felt Squirt led by example in this forum, that girl just kept on going, one paw in front of the other and enjoying her days with the gang and you. I hope that when you start emerging on the other side of this terrible grief that you can channel her tenacity and strength into helping you get through this, she was a strong girl as you are a strong Mom and we are all here to hold your hand as you take as much time as you need. Big hugs to you Leslie xxxx

[Squirt's Mom]

My Sweet Bebe is home once again. I picked her ashes up this afternoon. She came to me again early this morning. I felt the mattress move as if a dog was walking across behind me. Thinking it was Trinket ready to get up, I reached to get her but nothing was there - she was still asleep on the other side. About then I felt the small of my back warming up. When Squirt could still sleep on the bed with us, she would wake up and walk behind me while I was on the computer, laying down, to let me know she was ready to get down and go outside. Today has been a pretty good day all things considered and I believe Squirt helped me with that this morning.

[Trish]

Awww so pleased you have her home where she belongs. I bet you have a special place for her to reside over her Queendom. It sounds like Squirty is not in the box though, she is walking about keeping watch over you and also keeping you warm at night. I like that!! More big hugs being sent your way! xxx

[molly muffin]

Squirt sounds like she making sure her momma is going to be okay. I bet she is thrilled to be home.

Sending love and hugs your way
Sharlene and Molly muffin

[addy]

I am so pleased our Squirt is home with you and that she has come to visit. Big hugs Leslie.

And a gentle distraction for you, a fellow horsewoman:):);)- don't forget the Preakness is tomorrow- a ten horse field and we may have a shot at a Triple Crown winner with Chrome. It could just be the year.

I think of you and Squirt every day Leslie and every day I am sending my love to you both. I hope some day we will both find comfort and the pain will not be so hard.

So I am drawing your attention to a horse race tomorrow. I hope it is a date!!! Come tell me which horse you like before the start!!

[Harley PoMMom]

Loving hugs to you, dearest Leslie

[beaglemom3]

So glad you have your queen is home with you. and Your beloved Squirt is there with you making sure you are okay and reminding you she is near.
Lots of HUGS!

[doxiesrock912]

Squirt is teling you that there is a part of her that will always be in your heart. She wants to be sure that you'll be alright.

[Robert]

They never leave. It is good to get the ashes home though....tom and tam are in a special place- tom with his favourite toy and tam with her favourite blanket.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
You house would not be the same until your precious Squirt returned to be with all of her family. God Bless you all.
Patti

[addy]

Stopping in to give you hugs and to tell you I care.

[apollo6]

Sending you comfort and love.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[jxeno13]

You're still in my thoughts and prayers, Leslie. When my Betsy passed I would see her in the hall waiting for me to go to bed. I know Squirt was with you too...and will continue to be. They never really leave us. Your beloved Squirt is home again.

Jo Ann and Eli

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

How are you doing? Hope your holding up there, worry about you but also know you need time too... so I am popping in to say Hi and give you a big hug xxxxx

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
I am thinking of you and your precious Squirt. I wish I had the power to change the inevitable. Blessings
Patti

[addy]

Thinking of you

[scoora]

Oh Leslie,
I haven't been here for a while and I just read about Squirt.
I am so very sorry to hear this.
I send my love and prayers to you and Squirt.
It is still hard for me to come here and read things like this.
The tears flow and my heart aches.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lots of love and hugs.

[jxeno13]

Still thinking of you too.

Jo Ann and Eli

[Budsters Mom]

Sending tons more love and warm hugs to you and your babies Leslie.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[lulusmom]

Hi Les. Been thinking about you a lot and hope you know how much you are loved and that my heart is always with you. I was looking through some pictures and found some that I took when you came to Show Low to take your precious Trinket home. It brought back some wonderful memories. I was so excited to meet you and Squirt. We all came to know and love Squirt through your amazing writings and I just knew we would hit it off. The "Queen" as you called her.....I was practicing my curtsy for two days before you got here and apparently, Squirt was totally unimpressed with me, the mere peasant. I'll never forget that moment when I turned to my right to find Squirt so I could curtsy and then give her a big hug and a kiss. There she was, the Queen, in all her glory. As I moved closer, she took one look at me, squatted and took a great big dump. Well I never! I forgot all about the curtsy but I patiently waited until she finished to give her a big hug and a kiss. Thank goodness I had my camera poised and ready so I could capture that magic moment.

814

So Squirt wasn't that impressed with me, we still had a good time together. We sure enjoyed her and I think she enjoyed all the lovin she got from everyone. Here is the Queen enjoying being held in John's arms.

815

[NoonelovesmelikeNorman]

Hello Leslie! I am so sorry to hear of squirts passing. My heart breaks for you. keeping you in prayer and sending love and hugs. Sharon, Norman and Millie

[Squirt's Mom]

My peaceful calm started slipping nite before last when my need for frequent deep sleep also disappeared and I was up and down all nite long. Every time I got out of bed, the first thing I did was lean over and look to see if Squirt was lying on her rug so I didn’t step on her. Then it hit me that the nightlight was gone as was the rug….as is my Sweet Bebe. Yesterday morning was a tearful one but not bad however I didn’t want to leave the bedroom at all. Last nite was the same only I knew every time I woke up that she wasn’t here and this morning I am back to gasping and screaming. I don’t want to leave the bedroom again either. Nothing interests me tho I feel like I really truly should be doing some things. Instead, I sit on the bed staring out the window or playing card games and Mahjong on the computer while the idiot box chatters in the background….and cry. So that’s where I am today – back at the beginning.

[spdd]

Ah Leslie, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. I'm sure this grief comes in waves, some higher, stronger and longer then others. Just want you to know I care and lots of hugs sent your way from both myself and Keesh.

[Robert]

It's so hard . One day at a time. Good memories start comng in amongst he bad and the healing starts. Hope this comes soon for you.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
Thinking of you and praying that you are able to go on and do more good for other babies that need your help and love. Not an hour that passes that you are not in my thoughts. Blessings
Patti

[labblab]

Leslie, I am so sorry. I know I cannot help, but I do care, so very much. I hope you may soon find some respite from your pain, as I know the desperation I myself feel when I am trapped in sorrow or regret. It seems as though there is no way forward, and no escape in any direction. The walls close in and I can find no relief. I hope though, with time, your tears will clear your vision and unburden your heart, at least a tiny bit. Until that time comes, we remain here with you and for you.

[molly muffin]

Thinking of you Leslie! Sending you hugs and strength

love
Sharlene and molly muffin

[addy]

Oh Leslie,I am so sorry. As for what you are now experiencing, I probably would expect that to be the case because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. That part is really hard and will last a while.

There is no easy way to deal with grief. So I would say go ahead and scream and cry and get it out.

And know that we are all here, we wont leave you and we all care.

Big hugs Les, much love

[mcdavis]

Oh Leslie, I know that there is nothing I can say that will take away the pain but we are thinking about you and dear Squirt. I just hope that one day there will be more good memories than pain.
HUGS

[Squirt's Mom]

Memories -

Squirt and her littermates were the result of a clandestine meeting between two show dogs – a male black Cairn Terrier and a female black and white Long Haired Chihuahua. The owners of the parents were livid and wanted the pups aborted but the son of the woman who had the bitch was dating my daughter at the time and he begged his mom to let him find homes for the pups instead and she agreed, grudgingly. Gia got first pick and she chose Squirt. When the pups started eating regular dog food, the owner of the bitch told her son to get them out or she was going to drown the pups. So at 5 weeks old, Squirt was delivered to us. When she was handed to me, she was so tiny she fit in the palm of my hand and I said, “Why! She’s just a squirt of a dog!” And so she was named.

Gia was out of town with friends when the puppy was delivered and was gone for a week. By the time she got home, it was too late – Squirt and I were tightly bonded. Squirt was so tiny she would completely disappear in the grass of the yard unless it was shaved to the dirt. When we went out she would navigate the yard like a flying rabbit – leaping over the grass only to disappear in it when she landed. The neighbors and I would stand at the fence laughing our butts off at her leaping around the yard, having a blast. I was terrified Squirt would get stepped on or one of us would roll over in the bed and smother her so we slept in a recliner for the first couple of months. She started out lying between my leg and the side of the chair but as she grew she moved to sleeping on my legs or belly. When we moved to the bed she continued to sleep right next to me until she was around 6 years old when she started sleeping near my feet or head. Looking back, this may have been one of the first signs of Cushing’s – she was too warm sleeping next to me or under the covers like usual.

For the first 6 months of her life, she went everywhere with me…and I mean everywhere. I wore Big Smith overalls most of the time back then and they have nice deep pockets and a big bib. She rode in my pockets most of the time but sometimes wanted in the bib. We went grocery shopping, to my doctors, to WalMart – everywhere I went, Squirt went. My boss was so tickled when she discovered why I was suddenly wearing overalls to work all the time (as Assistant Registrar for a university!) that she allowed Squirt to remain as the Office Mascot. Plus she knew me well enough to know that if she balked she would be training a new registrar. ;)

Squirt went to work with me until she was around 6 months old when she became territorial about the office and staff. She wouldn’t have harmed any of them but she greeted everyone that came in the door snarling and barking her head off, hair bristled like a porcupine. We all knew that the moment that person took a step forward Squirt would tuck tail and run to the nearest safe person but the one coming in the door did not know that and many were frightened. So for a while she was banished to my office with the door closed. But that did not sit well with her and she started barking at every little sound. She was bored with her suddenly limited space and stimulation so I found myself spending much of my time keeping her occupied instead of working. So little by little, I started leaving her at home alone. She did very well; she found ways to entertain herself without being destructive and was able to establish her own “territories” in the house, which suited her just fine. She continued to go to classes with me and visit the office frequently, something she always truly enjoyed.

Squirt was very intelligent and learned anything presented to her quickly. She was completely house broken by 8 weeks old and the only times she had accidents afterwards was when she was left for too long (16 hours because my hubby decided to get drunk instead of come home) or she was sick. She knew all the commands and complied every time it suited her to do so. If treats were visible, compliance was swift and perfect. :D She was not too thrilled with leash training though. But once she realized the harness and leash meant a trip somewhere outside the fence, she quit fighting and quickly became a joy to walk. She wore the same harness her entire life and every time she saw me getting it out, she became excited until the last few years when she associate it the with same she did rides – with the vet.

Squirt had lots of toys, as any spoiled rotten dog does, but she treated them differently than any other dog I have ever known. There were only a couple of actual store-bought toys she would play with. Her play toys were old socks with knots in them. She had a very strong maternal instinct and I sometimes regret not letting her have one litter. Her toys were her babies, especially the ones that squeaked. One of her territories was a dog bed in the middle bedroom and one of her hard fast rules was – thou shall not remove her babies from that dog bed. Every squeaky baby was designated to her bed in that room, along with a few others. I would take the toys out of the bed, scatter them around the house, and she would gather them all up one by one, carefully checking each one, and put them gently back in the bed. The whole time cutting her eyes, full of reproach, at me. Other dogs might dare to get one of those toys once, but it would be only once – Squirt was a fierce “mama” to her “babies” and she didn’t back down one little bit over them. By the time she decided they were grown and a nuisance, those toys were almost as pristine as the day they left the store. For the rest of her life, she would alert anytime a toy squeaked.

Squirt was a well-traveled pup. During her younger years and my healthier years, I was a Road Trip Queen. Given the least opportunity, we were on the road – no destination most of the time, just traveling back roads to see where we landed. She has been all over ARK and a great deal of TN, MO, OK, TX, LA, MS, and KY. We went through NM on our way to AZ to get Trinket. She was an absolute delight to travel with and the perfect hotel dog. When arthritis and Cushing’s appeared, traveling was not as enjoyable for her as it used to be but she continued to want to “ride” until the last few years of her life.



One Little Candle

I lit a candle tonight, in honor of you
Remembering your life, and all the times we’d been through.

Such a small little light the candle made
until I realized how much in darkness it lit the way.

All the tears I’ve cried in all my grief and pain
what a garden they grew; watered with human rain.

I sometimes can’t see beyond the moment, in hopeless despair.
But then your memory sustains me, in heartaches repair.

I can’t wait for the tomorrow, when my sorrows ease.
Until then, I’ll light this candle, and let my memories run free.

~by Sheila~

[Spencersmom]

Leslie.....what a beautiful tribute to your precious Queen! My first Chihuahua was also named Squirt....for the same reason! He was a tiny little thing...barely 3 lbs fully grown! Oh how they wrap themselves around our hearts!

Thinking of you and praying the days and nights become less painful to endure! Remember the good times and treasure the memories you will carry with you! Thank you for sharing your sweet love with all of us!

[Bailey's Mom]

Hi Leslie. I'm sorry it's so rough. It won't always be, I promise. Do you like listening to music? Sometimes it helps me if I put on music to play in the background. In this case I would not cue up sad songs but songs that I found to be more uplifting. I find music can do so much to lift my spirits and I don't think about turning it on often enough, except for when I'm in the car.

Another thing I learned to do some time ago was to stop by my local grocery store and pick up one of those $6 premixed bundles of flowers or go by my florist and get one single rose for $3.50. They'll usually toss in some greens and some baby's breath for you and it can be so uplifting to see this perfect bloom just open up over the next several days, get to enjoy it's aroma. The red ones don't last very long but the others can last for a week sometimes if you keep taking a fresh cut of 1/2" off the stem each day. For me it just kind of reaffirms that life is going to go on. Beauty is still around us. It puts some peace in my world for a moment or two.

Meanwhile, I'm here along with the others to listen and to hug whenever you need it. I hope you get some quality rest soon. And I agree-let the screaming come out. Get those bad endorphins outta there!
xoxo
Susan

[molly muffin]

What an excellent journey and life you and Squirt had together. The travels, the adventures, the caring, it all lends itself to a total that is markedly lessened by her passing.

Squirt was unique in many ways and her connection with you was strong and unbreakable. Such a gift is truly to precious.

Sending you big hugs Leslie
love
Sharlene and molly muffin

[mcdavis]

Thank you so much for sharing your precious memories of Squirt with us Leslie.

[Robert]

How lucky were you to have squirt and how lucky was squirt to have you. Great life you two shared

[addy]

Leslie, I loved reading about Squirt and if you are up to it, I wish you would tell me more memories. The picture of you both is painted so vividly when you write.

Gentle hugs to wipe away the tears.

[Trish]

Loved reading about the Road Trip Queen, what a great life you two had together, so many memories. Thank you for sharing them with us Leslie, such a wonderful story of love, it makes me smile xxxx

[beaglemom3]

Thank you Leslie for sharing your tribute to Squirt with us. Wonderful, beautiful memories and love that will live on in your heart and in Squirt's heart forever.
HUGS

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
Such a beautiful and fitting tribute to Squirt. She had the most wonderful life with you. I m sure when it is time for you to meet again she will be pain free and running to meet her extraordinary mother. Blessings
Patti

[addy]

Hi Leslie, stopping in to say hi and sending lots of love and hugs.

Always thinking about you and Squirt.

[Spiceysmum]

Leslie,
Thinking of you, knowing just how you are feeling.
Linda x

[SasAndYunah]

Oh Leslie, I do appologize for not having seen this sooner. I cannot express how I feel for you, in so many different ways. I cannot express how strange and silent it feels, now that "our" Squirt is no longer here. She (and you) were here with each of my dogs, she was almost like furniture here, that cozy, comfortable couch, always there :)
The wandering through a haze, the screaming, the not wanting to leave the bed, the tears... I know them all too well, it was not that long ago when I was there myself. It's not a nice place to be in but it is a neccesary place to go through in order to go to the next place. And with time, you will get there and I am positive you will too learn the same thing as I have learned. I used to think that my heart was so shattered, so broken and that with each loss, my heart would became smaller, that another piece of my heart would retract itself from life, living and feeling. Instead, I have learned that through each loss, my heart does the opposite, it grows. Every person, every dog I have lost, they all still sit safely tucked away in their own special place in my heart. You would expect that after enough losses, your heart would be full, no more room for any more... Yet, the funny thing is, new people, new dogs come into our lives and the heart starts to grow, making new room for more loved ones, for more love, life and feelings. And knowing you, your heart must already be the size of a skyscraper...but it will built a new floor on top of it's current roof, with new rooms, more space... It will, I promise. But untill then, I will sit silently by your side, across the miles.

All my love, strenght and courage,

Sas.

[Trish]

Wow that is so lovely and so true x

[Iraklis]

I used to think that my heart was so shattered, so broken and that with each loss, my heart would became smaller, that another piece of my heart would retract itself from life, living and feeling. Instead, I have learned that through each loss, my heart does the opposite, it grows. Every person, every dog I have lost, they all still sit safely tucked away in their own special place in my heart. You would expect that after enough losses, your heart would be full, no more room for any more... Yet, the funny thing is, new people, new dogs come into our lives and the heart starts to grow, making new room for more loved ones, for more love, life and feelings.

SO right!!!

This is EXACTLY how I feel too, but lack the ''talent of words'' to express it!
(btw, thank you for this!)

[jxeno13]

Sas...as the others have said, all I can add is ...Wow! Exactly how we all feel! It couldn't have been put better.

Leslie, thinking of you.

Hugs, Jo Ann and Eli

[doxiesrock912]

Absolutely beautiful. <3

[MBK]

Dear Leslie,

I have not been here in awhile and I was shocked and saddened to learn of Squirt's passing. There are certain people and their beloved dogs that, over the years, I have come to expect are, and will always be, here. Of course, you and Squirt are among them. I am so terribly, terribly sorry to read of your loss. You were so brave in doing the best for Squirt in the end. I am so sorry it was more difficult than anyone would expect. You are right, though, it could have been much worse and you did all you could to protect Squirt and spare her of pain.

I loved reading Squirt's story. Seems like very often fate brings us our "heart" dog. Alivia also came to me when I was not looking for a dog. Funny how that happens. The grieving process is a strange thing. Just be good to yourself and know that there are so many here that love you both and care. With Squirt, Zoe and Alivia there, the Rainbow Bridge will NEVER be the same!

Sending you hugs.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
Thinking of you and hoping you are taking care of yourself. I know how far you are down in that deep dark hole, and I am worried about you. Some people don't realize it is like losing a person. Some people live with their dogs longer than they do people. Blessings
Patti

[beaglemom3]

Thinking of you Leslie, sending you prayers of love healing and peace.

[molly muffin]

Hey Leslie, checking in on you and hope that you are doing okay and treating yourself well.

hugs and love
Sharlene and molly muffin

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
I saw bad storms down south and was thinking of you and how Squirt was not exactly fond of them either. Tipper is on high alert with her little ears moving like antennae at the slightest sound. Her bp was high today when they took it as she was already worked up. This has been a bad season already for this and bad timing for Tipper altogether. Hope you are taking care of yourself, and hope the babies are well. Blessings
Patti

[SugarsMom]

So very truly sorry Leslie, for your loss of beautiful little Squirt's daily companionship. Your precious angel Squirt now watches over you with great love and gratitude. Your story of your beginning together was heart-warming and inspirational. Wishes of much comfort and healing to your hearts upon your loss. Thank you for saving adorable Squirt as a puppy, and loving her with such true devotion. Hugs to you and again my condolences.

[Spencersmom]

Checking in on you gf! Sending hugs and comfort your way. Hope the days are easier to face and your pain lessens.

[Squirt's Mom]

Skipping stones on water –

You select some small smooth flat stones then fling them one at a time like a teeny Frisbee toward the surface of the water, the goal being to cause the stone to skip across the stop of the water. As stone hits the water for the first time, it depresses the surface of the water a tiny bit creating a small splash and a ring of minute waves spreading out from the point of contact. As the force pulls the stone up and it becomes air-borne again, water drips from the wet stone onto the surface below, creating series of teeny splashes and concentric over-lapping rings until the stone again briefly touches the surface, another splash more rings, then in the air once again skipping toward the next point of contact. Because the stone is moving forward across the water, in addition to the splashes and rings it leaves a V-shaped pattern behind as it moves on.

Sometimes the stone will skip twice then sink but sometimes it will make contact 10 times or more. Some stones will gradually slow as they travel leaving less and less impact in their wake while others seem to bounce with the same force until the sink. And some never skip, immediately sinking into the water as if that were the intent.

This is the pattern of my grief.

One stone, one event, at times not only spreading through my Soul in waves of unbelievable pain, but this one stone, this one event, reaches back and revives other losses, other agonies.

I’ve been sitting by my dad’s hospital bed as they unhooked the machines that were keeping him alive, holding his hand, telling him it was ok, that we would be alright. I’ve heard that early morning phone call telling me Gia had died suddenly, unexpectedly, and heard myself screaming, “no no no no…” I’ve held my mom’s hand, seen her emaciated shell struggling for that next breath. I’ve heard the thud and seen Crys dragging her shattered body up the drive. I’ve held Tasha and Josie and so many others in their last breaths. I’ve relived the passings of all my babies.

I feel so empty. I miss my Sweet Bebe so so much I can barely breath at times.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
This just cut me to the quick reading your post. I know of what you are writing, because I would be the same way, and after 16 years it so devastating to be without your sweet Squirt. I really don't know how you have made it this far. I crumble into a melted pile every time I think of this happening to my girl. You have suffered too many losses, as we both have that in common, and I feel for you. It is like I said in one of my posts. It is like post traumatic stress disorder. I read about it somewhere that when you have had a lot of death in a short period of time it does something to you like what I mentioned. I feel so bad for you going thru all this on your own. I wish I lived near you so I could try some how to ease your pain a bit. You know I will never be able to get used to the idea of Squirt being gone either. She was a constant beacon of hope that just maybe my Tipper could reach 16 because Squirt went over many hurdles, she was just something permanent that I always looked forward to hearing about her cute antics. It has left a huge emptiness when I sign on here. I know this is a pain like no other that your are having. I pray for you to come thru this as I have always admired your strength. Blessings
Patti

[molly muffin]

hugs and love Leslie!

Sharlene and molly muffin

[addy]

I feared as much dear Leslie. I knew it could not be different for you; that losing Squirt would bring back all the memories.
I have no words of wisdom. Just know I care.

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie, that's how it is with me. Each new loss revives memories of all of the previous losses.

I'm so sorry honey. HUGS from Daisy and I.

[mcdavis]

Oh, dear Leslie. I so wish we could take the pain away.
Hugs

[Budsters Mom]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Altira]

Our dearest Leslie. You have been thru far more then anyone should have ever had too. I wonder what it was like when the Black plague struck. Dogs, people and all living things die. But being so close at the time of death is such a noble and brave act. Me? I drop the leash and run. Ill never forgive myself for that. Then there are those who see it in a totally different way. The hospus angels. Leslie you are the one who holds the hand of the dying. The one who loves eternal. So much sadness that feeling inside. That giant whole almost Serene the empty place. Then you look to your side and see a four footed dog standing there Cautiously wondering if its ok to approach you. And all you can do is smile and hold out your hand as you remember what got you here in the first place. And the whole thing starts all over again. Because the pain of loss would never be, if there was not the happiness of love, the love you can touch at least for awhile.


Leslie my heart is with you. 8::::::

I tell my husband that he truely married a dog. Because when I see or hear a dog in pain i go to pieces. Even if its not my own. a women and daughter exit the vets examining room. And you just know. And for days you remember it.

[SasAndYunah]

Dear Leslie,

Do you remember when Yunah passed away? I have special songs for all of my dogs (and humans) who have passed away and that song will forever belong to them, can't use it for another occassion, it's theirs and theirs alone. Yunah, being my absolute soulmate, has a song, that I remember touched you very deeply as well.

But I will dedicate "Yunah's" song to you as well and I hope that one day, the time will come for you too, to let go....and that this song will help you.

http://youtu.be/ckM82QHz_r4

I feel for you deeply, I care about you deeply and I think of you very often,

Saskia :)

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

Popping in to send you some love :), hugs to you and the gang and wish we could do more but you know we are waiting for you with open arms whenever you feel up to popping in xxxxxx

[Wally P's Mom]

Leslie:

I was just checking in and just saw your thread. My heart aches for you and yours. Sending HUGS your way.

God bless you for all that you did for Squirt and every one here, including myself. You will be rewarded one day for all of this.

In the meantime, Squirt will want for you with all the others at the rainbow bridge.

Marge

[Tamarah]

Leslie -

Something was tugging at me to check in. I only wish I had a little sooner. I am so, so sorry to read of Squirt's passing. What an amazing life you shared with her and she is now at peace and pain free. You have seen so many of us through this, the hardest part of the journey. You are loved and admired for your courage as you battled with Squirt and this disease. Oh, the stories you told of her adventures and you were with her every step of the way. Those stories could give me a good laugh in my darkest hours after losing Crash. Though you shed tears of sadness and grieve the loss of your beloved Squirt, may a cherished memory shine through and give you the biggest smile and at that moment you'll feel her presence for she will always be with you.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Tammy, Angel Crash, Darby, and Riley

[Squirt's Mom]

You are the heady perfume that scents the Spring air, the winged melody dancing on the breeze, the promise of harvest held in sprouts breaking ground.

You are the gift of life in the burgeoning Summer fields, the laughter of children at play, the lazy buzz of bees.

You are the brilliant hues of Autumn, the glitter of first frost, the glow of embers in the hearth’s fire.

You are the still breathless quiet of Winter’s first snowfall.

You are the light of the Sun by day, the Moon and Stars by night.

You are clouds bathed in pink, the growl of thunder, the gentle kiss of rain.

You are the wind teasing the treetops, the waters of life rushing to be united as one, the soil that secures foundations.

You are the hope that lies in the silence between the ticking beats of my heart.

You are Eternal.

[goldengirl88]

Absolutely Beautiful

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

Popping in to see how you are, your poem is so very special and I love it. Love is in every aspect of our lives as you have so eloquently written. I hope you are slowly finding some peace and breathing in those lovely memories of our Queen Squirty. Big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

[addy]

love you and the beautiful poem.

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

[doxiesrock912]

Beautiful and comforting.

[molly muffin]

That is lovely Leslie. You find the most poignant way of expressing your feelings. It touches us all.

big hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[gatorgirl_bama]

Leslie,

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing and say I'm thinking about you.

Sending love,
Donna

[jxeno13]

We were thinking about you too. Lovely poem.

[Squirt's Mom]

Squirt's urn arrived today. A dear friend made it for her and it is absolutely gorgeous.

http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/004_zpsd69a62e1.jpg.html?sort=3&o=3

http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/008_zpsa217fee9.jpg.html?sort=3&o=1

http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/006_zps741f1814.jpg.html?sort=3&o=2


Her urn and plaque with her paw in bronze in the case where she and her things will be -

http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/011_zps78c6b84c.jpg.html?sort=3&o=0

It's been 5 weeks and we are doing ok. Not good, but ok. Soph still sees her from time to time and Trink still goes into the closet looking for her on occasion, and I still cry daily but we are ok.

I've been quite sick with yet another abscessed tooth and learned this last round that I have developed a resistance to the ABs because I have had so many since Jan. But the tooth out and hopefully that is the last time I have to deal with abscesses. Between grief and the tooth I just don't have much energy these days. I am spending less and less time online and trying to find other avenues for my time and energy. Nothing is the same with Squirt gone so now seems to be the time to start making other changes that are actually needed. I hope to find my creative juices and start painting again for one thing. My studies have ceased and I need to get back to them. But I am taking things one day, sometimes one minute, at a time.

Tho I'm not signed in much at all I do keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
a servant without her Queen

[Trish]

Leslie - wow that is beautiful, in fact I would go as far to say it is THE most beautiful urn I have ever seen. I love it! Gosh you are lucky indeed to have friends who do such gorgeous work in your life.

Not happy to hear that darn tooth abscess is still playing up, hope it is healing up fine from the extraction. Painting, I would love to see some if you would like to share sometime.

I cannot believe it is 5 weeks already, must feel like eternity to you. I am keeping the happy Squirty memories to the front of my mind as they are the ones that make me smile. Lots of hug to you and the rest of the gang xxx

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
What beautiful work, fit for a queen. Hope you are getting along ok, even at one minute at a time I know it can be hard. Love the beautiful case for Squirt and all her things. Blessings
Patti

[MBK]

Hi, Leslie. Dropped in to see how you are doing without your precious Squirt. I sure understand about needing to take a break from the usual routines. Squirt's urn is gorgeous.

Sending hugs to you.

[SasAndYunah]

That's truly a beautiful urn, Leslie! With beautiful Squirt, the queen, the touching poem... it's all there. And what's no longer there, remains forever in your heart, will forever be a part of you.

Big hugs,

Sas.

[mcdavis]

The urn is beautiful, and very fitting for your dear Squirt.

Sorry to hear that you've been suffering with your tooth again, so pleased to hear that the problem should have be solved.

[molly muffin]

It's beautiful Leslie. A fitting tribute for a Queen.

I hop you get to feeling better with the tooth gone now and no more infections. You don't need that.

Painting and resuming your studies, sound like an excellent idea. Some refocusing of your energies.

hugs and love
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Tina]

Oh Leslie,
The urn is so beautiful, I just love it. Yes, very fitting for a beautiful Queen. I, too, hope you get to feeling better now that the tooth is out. You have been through so much with that.

I think about you, Squirt, and the gang every day.

Hugs,
Tina and Jasper xo

[Squirt's Mom]

Thank you! Yes it is nice to have such talented friends. And it just so happens that she is a member here - mytil; Terry and her hubby, Peter, made it for us. They own Milestone Cube and 5 Year Wood, doing beautiful working in woods - as you can plainly see!

[labblab]

What a beautiful and profoundly touching vessel Terry and Peter have created as a safe harbor for the essence of our precious girl. They are so gifted, and Squirt's urn is, and bears, such a gift in and of itself.

Keeping you all in my heart and thoughts.

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie, that is GORGEOUS!!!!!
How sweet of Terry and Peter.

Another tooth abcess! I can't imagine how painful that must have been!

5 very long weeks. I understand completely and am also trying to focus on other things to keep busy.

[beaglemom3]

Dear Leslie,
I read your poem, such a beautiful loving spiritual tribute to your baby. The urn is just lovely. I hope you are healing and finding peace.
Always in my thoughts. Lots of Hugs

[apollo6]

Dear Leslie
What a beautiful tribute to your Queen Squirt. Typing this through tears. Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish I could give you a hug, a shoulder to lean on a ear to listen. It is one of the hardest things we go through losing our babies. They are such a part of us.
God gives them to us on lean for too short a time.
You have been there for so many. Now it is time for us to be there for you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo.
Now Squirt and Apollo can play together.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi ya'll,

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 7 weeks. For the last year of her life, Squirt slowly faded out of the daily routines, staying in my bedroom area for the most part. So often I forget she’s not asleep in the closet and am brought to my knees when I walk in there and remember. I have moved some things around and every time I told myself to make sure Squirt had plenty of room in the closet – then remember again. Meal times are still tough. I miss her voice soooo much. Making dog food for Trink is gut-wrenching remembering I can no longer cook for Squirt nor Grace. Squirt’s eating spot is as it was; I can’t bring myself to let anyone else eat there. And knowing there is no bowl to place there is so very tough.

Most everything I do falls under the “fake it til you make it” category. I am slowly becoming more active on FB again but there is no joy in that any more. Mostly I do the work required on the groups I admin for….other than the Cushing’s group, where I just can’t linger yet. I force myself to share funny things…but no one knows that after I sign off I crawl in bed to sob, the effort exhausting and useless feeling. I talk to folks via PM using lots of smiley faces and LOLs with tears flowing down my cheeks the whole time, forcing my fingers to type what is expected. I have not been able to reconnect with the plants, tho I did feel clear enough yesterday for the first time to decant some herbs…but I’m still not ready to make meds nor harvest. The week Squirt passed, I planted several different seeds and about half have come up. I connect with Life via those seedlings and the plants I have brought in from the wild that are transplanted to the herb bed or front yard, where I am making a butterfly garden for Squirt. Those that take and do well give me hope; those that don’t take or don’t grow to maturity break my heart all over again and make me feel as if I failed.

My studies are still beyond my ability to focus on so they sit stagnant.

This week I am petsitting 5 babies; 3 from one mom, 2 from another. The 3 will be here til Sun, the 2 til today or tomorrow. So at the moment my house is full to brimming and that certainly keeps me occupied. Yesterday as I was walking down the hall, one of the babies started nipping at my feet as I walked just as Squirt used to do. I looked down giggling, as usual when Squirt did that, only to see a tiny black body, not my beloved yellow one. It was a shock. I sank to the floor in the hall and leaned back on the wall to cry. Eight babies came to kiss and snuggle while the one who was nipping thought that was just part of the game she had started and was bouncing all over the rest of us. We’re having storms this week and I still find myself fixing meds for Squirt along with the others then sob when I see the one left over. So many little things that have such weight.

I have forced myself to participate in a little “business” venture with 3 friends – we are going to have a booth in a local flea market. I used to run the flea market circuit, carrying things from place to place to place to sell and I enjoyed that a great deal. Right now, my heart just isn’t in it but I am making myself do it anyway. I need to have an outlet away from the house, something that puts me in contact with humans more often and takes my mind away from the sadness and emptiness I feel. So I am trying. I can’t afford to keep doing this if I can’t at least make my portion of the booth rental each month but time will tell on that. For now, I have something different to do. We are on the waiting list for space and hope to have one opened in July.

Physically, well it’s obvious the years of self-neglect are catching up with me. The months of antibiotics have done a number on my gut flora, keeping the Northern tissue company in business. But my mouth is alright, thankfully! The shot has completely worn off on my shoulder and it is causing me difficulties with increasing pain and numbness again. I am tired, so very tired, all the time yet I can’t sleep worth a flip most nights. I think every injury and surgical area has reawakened, racking my body with pain at times. I have been having spells of extreme dizziness and nausea, usually at night that comes with horrid clammy sweats and abdominal cramping. GERD has raised its ugly head for the first time in ages. I’ve lost about 8 pounds tho I am eating daily and eating good for the most part.

Trink, Brick, Soph and Fox are doing well. They are all on a diet and have all lost weight, looking much better. They had gotten fat because I would give them all treats and extra bites when Squirt got them.

While I don’t post and rarely sign in, I do read and try to keep up with those pups I know. Ya’ll are never far from mind and always in my prayers. I just can’t be here for now. I hope in time that I will be able to participate on the forum again but that time is not now. It’s just too painful and I am a wuss. Please take care of yourselves as well as you do your babies.

Hugs,
Leslie

[beaglemom3]

Dearest Leslie, Tears streaming down my cheeks as I read your post. I know your pain too well. It takes time, some times, lots of it. But you will heal. I am glad you are pushing yourself to do things outside the house although I know it is so hard but so proud you are doing it. Grief is exhausting and painful and everything reminds us and throws us back into the throws of it. We understand how hard it is for you to post right now, take the time you need, but know you are loved and missed and in my thoughts.

Sending prayers of healing and peace to you.

[goldengirl88]

Leslie:
It makes me cry to read your post and know how your heart is broken. I am hoping with you getting out a bit that that may help ease some of your pain. I hope your new venture works out and you make some money. Blessings
Patti

[molly muffin]

Leslie! HUGS! Sometimes there are no words, only HUGS.

love
Sharlene

[Harley PoMMom]

Tons of loving hugs for you, dearest Leslie.

[Trish]

Gosh sounds like you have a house full, typical you... grieving and still taking in others for a few days. How hard it must be for you still, but it does hearten me that you are getting out and having to focus on stuff like your booth. Pleased your mouth is finally sorted, hope you get in to see your Dr to get some of those other issues ticked off too. Lovely to see you post to let us know your hanging in there, you know us... we take whatever we can get, once a day, month or whenever we are always happy to see you. Those fake smiles are eventually going to become real ones :) Sending love and big hugs to you and the gang xxxx

[addy]

I think we are kindred spirits, dearest Leslie, horses, painting, writing, flea markets, I always smile when I read your writing as they are things we have in common.

Little by little we venture out into the world again, pick up the pieces of our lives. Sometimes we feel joy and other times it is hollow and just going through the motions.

Our other babies needs us so we try very hard for them. I think our other pups keep us going because we have to do things.

I am so sorry your arm is worse; mine is still crooked and I have just accepted the limited range of motion. I am waiting on the steroid shot. for now. I wish your would have lasted longer.

Hugs and much love. I think about you all the time.

[Bailey's Mom]

Hi Leslie-

I am sorry it is so very hard now. I understand. I think the urn is magnificent and I love the brass paw print. Can you tell me how you were able to get the paw mold? I think that's a marvelous idea and would love to do that for myself.

I hope your participation in the flea markets helps lift your spirits. i know art works wonders for me.

Hugs,
Susan

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie, I completely understand but am glad to hear from you. Hugs

[Squirt's Mom]

I hope that today is the day I get to shut my acct down on Facebook for a while. I have decided to leave most of the groups I belonged to and have deleted my membership to around 20 Yahoo groups of various types as well as others not on Yahoo. There are 3 groups remaining that I am still considering. I do not plan to leave K9C.

I think I was on the computer within 10 minutes of first hearing the word "Cushing's" and didn't looked up for over 7 years. I sacrificed just about everything to provide the best care I could for Squirt from that point on. Not only physical things that money can buy but my inner landscape. Not that I am complaining - I am NOT. I would do it all again and give all I have and am to have Squirt in my arms again healthy. But that can't be right now so I have to find another way to live this life.

My kitchen table is now covered with paints, brushes, and ceramic bisque in various stages instead of papers and books. One of the girls who is in the flea market adventure is very crafty and we get together at least once a week to piddle, eat lunch, or just talk. Slowly but surely I am making a dent in this house that has been neglected for so long. I hope to be able to handle the carpet shampooer in the next few weeks I bought. Others have used it and say it works well but so far my shoulder isn't up that strain. I fell the second time a day or two after it arrived and have fallen 3 times since. :o:rolleyes: Currently, I am fighting a bad cold that wants to settle in my chest but I feel better this morning so hopefully it is fading. I started Pred yesterday per instructions from my pulmonologist and can breath better. Thankfully, I have plenty on hand...tho it was written for one dog or the other! ;)

I am going to try to be here more often but no promises. It isn't quite as painful as it was at first to sign in but I can't begin to describe the feelings that overwhelm me when I hit "Log In" and especially when posting in Squirt's thread. Nothing is the same and never will be again so I have to learn how to face all of this and deal with it somehow. This forum saved my sanity and Squirt's life - we owe you everything. So I will try harder to be here a bit more.

[My sweet Ginger]

Oh Leslie, I'm all teared up reading your post today, sad and happy all at the same time. Still so sad over Squirt but so happy that you maybe around here more ( no pressure Leslie, whenever you are ready) and very, very excited about your flea market venture. It's got to be a lot of work but I think you will enjoy doing it and I'd love to see your works. I'm just so excited for you and thank you for keeping us posted. Many hugs. Song.:):):)

[doxiesrock912]

Crafting is therapeutic. It really is. Please post some pictures of things that you make! I'd also love to see them!

I know all too well about the hole left in your life Leslie. Hugs

[HalliesMom]

My heart just breaks for you. :( Nothing is harder. Squirt was so lucky to have such a wonderful caretaker. Keeping you in my prayers.

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Leslie,

You have always given and continue to give your all to the forum and to your sweet babes. Taking time out for yourself is not only needed but also so well deserved. I'm glad to read that crafting is helping you.

Sending you, sweet Leslie, my love and huge hugs, Lori

[molly muffin]

I think it is good to have some time to gain perspective and see who the you that goes on is going to be.
You know were ecstatic to hear that we will remain a part of your life but that can be balanced with all the other things that you have always enjoyed too. Your plants, your furbabies, crafting, spending time with family. It is always a balancing act, and how you juggle it, will determine how satisfied you are with the way things are going.

I think we all get that, so Yippppeeee, you'll still be here, but I'm just as thrilled that you are engaging in other things too. :) We want a healthy Leslie for the long term!

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Trish]

Go You!!! Pleased to read you are taking all these positive steps Leslie. Life is different now and sounds like you are making the adjustments needed to help you move forward.

Ack, a cold... nasty when it settles in the chest. Sorry to hear about the falls, gosh you don't need anymore injuries at the moment. Hope you get your strength back soon so hopefully no more of them!

Always lovely to hear from you Leslie, think of you often and wish you well on this journey xxxx

[addy]

As long as you are taking time for you,that is most important. It sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. Hope your arm is better.

Kudos that you have your paints out. I keep saying I will bring mine up but never do. Very therapeutic, painting, art, crafting.:):):)

No pressure to come back here. All in your own time, Leslie, when it feels right for you. I still struggle if I spend too much time here. I don't want you relapsing into painful grief.

BIG HUGS, lots of love, you are always in my thoughts

[jrepac]

Oh Leslie,

I am so sorry to hear about Squirt's passing. I've been away for the last few months dealing w/eldercare issues, but no matter how much time went by, I'd always come back to see how your Queen was doing. She was such a sweetheart and I always enjoyed reading about her antics and watching your clips. She had a long and wonderful life with you and she surely knew she was loved. I think all of us felt connected to Squirt....I know I did since I found this board back in 2008...she was part of our extended family of cushpups. Rest easy Squirt, you deserve it.

This has been a rough week; on Monday, my good friends lost their 10yr old Pom suddenly; she had a heart attack right in front of us. I rushed them to the emergency clinic, but she could not be revived. It was tragic and devastating.

We love them all dearly and it is simply heartbreaking to lose them. I still miss my Mandy and it's been almost 4yrs now. You never forget them. I love the urn and the memorial you did for Squirt, by the way. I did something similar for Mandy and from time to time will talk to her. Maybe she can hear me, I hope so. Squirt will always be with you in your heart, no matter where you go.

Their precious lives are short and we must treasure every moment we have with our fur babies.

Please take good care of yourself.

Jeff and the Girls

[Bailey's Mom]

Hi Leslie. I think you are taking very positive steps and taking care of yourself. I know art is a terrific way to work through the hard times. Please do post pictures.

Hugs,
Susan

[Squirt's Mom]

I realize I haven't been out much in the last few years and when I was, it was to get XYZ. I didn't look at much of anything else except XYZ and the exit door that would take me back home. This past Sat. I was in a grocery store and walked past the meat counter my mind a million miles away. I had walked about 10' past the end of the counter when I stopped, cocked my head, and thought, "Did I really just see that?" Glancing over my shoulder I started backing up until I reached the chicken section and sure enough there it was. A row of neat packages of CHICKEN FEET with the NAILS still on!! :eek: It took all I could muster not to dash about the store waving my hands over my head screaming, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" A bit of research and I now know they are used for chicken stock as well as eaten! But I think it will be a while before I give that particular meat counter a decent perusal again. ;)

Another chapter in the continuing saga of my self neglect. For about 6 weeks I have been dealing with a niggling cold; I would sneeze and be stuffy for a few days then it would go away only to return. It was a bit tougher with each return then this past Thurs. it came back with a vengeance, settling in my chest by Fri. at which time I saw my GP who said it was bronchial pneumonia. More ABs. I was worse Sat and Sun so called to see him again. I saw my GP yesterday and he diagnosed full blown pneumonia, what the old timers call "walking pneumonia" meaning not quite sick enough to be under an oxygen tent. He told me it sounded like I had inhaled cellophane paper since Fri. :( So he gave me a double duty shot of steroid, a fast acting and long acting combined, along with an AB injection and sent me home with Pred and Augmentin. I will be on the Pred for 12 days so "Katie bar the door", the fun is about to begin again! :p

[jxeno13]

Hi Leslie, I'm sorry to hear that you are sick. That sucks! I have to take Pred pretty often myself, with my COPD. I've been lucky so far this spring and summer. But, with the Pred that's about the only time I feel like I should feel normally, if that makes any sense. I hope that you're feeling better soon!

Chicken feet and nails! :eek: That would make me sick in itself! :eek::eek: People actually eat them? Gives a whole new meaning to biting your nails! :p

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie,
it is about time you do take care of yourself. You've earned it.
Pneumonia is no fun at all! Get well soon!

Chicken feet, run run away from that store quickly. Nasty.

[addy]

I sure hope you feel better soon, Leslie. Pneumonia is no fun.

[Renee]

My pugs LOOOVE chicken feet, nails and all, hehe! :D Good little snack for outside.

I hope the pred kicks this pneumonia in the butt!

[molly muffin]

Oh no Leslie! I feel awful for you! We just went through pneumonia with my hubby in January and it was just terrible! I hope you get well soon, but rest is essential! So take care dearie!

pffft chicken feet. UCK!

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Trish]

Ohhh chicken feet :p, I have seen those crumbed and deep fried in Chinese restaurants, never plucked up the courage to order them though! Maybe they are a bit like pork crackling :eek::D

Gosh Leslie, I hope you get over the pneumonia soon, you poor thing... feel better! xxx

[Squirt's Mom]

This stuff is kicking my butt! My house is 80' long and walking from one end to the other does me in....I have ZIP stamina. The pred makes it impossible to sit and do nothing but I can only "do" in very short increments before I have to rest and catch my breath. I have been deep cleaning my bathroom for FOUR days now and still am not half way through! I have various little craft projects that a first grader could do with their eyes closed scattered all over the house...totally defeated by them due to shaking hands and scattered thought waves. Who knew putting glitter on Popsicle sticks could be so challenging?! :D I sleep in stages, not according to any time schedule either. The pred has taken much of my normal daily pain away and I guess that is allowing my body to relax a bit more so that I find myself sleepy at odd times...but come nite when I should sleep, that is more difficult to come by. It has helped release my chest tho and for that I am grateful.

Just before this got so bad, I found a plant in one of my fields I have been looking for for two years. I really want to get out there and mark it so it doesn't get lost once it's blooms are gone but the hike to it is just too much right now so I hope I remember my sight markers when I am able to get back out there. Of course, we have been having some of the weirdest, nicest, July weather in my memory - cool nights and mornings with minimal heating during the day and lower humidity. Which is a huge boon to my breathing but really makes it hard to stay in. I spend a lot of time just sitting on the porch, writing and reading, looking around at the ground I am rapidly losing back to Mother Nature in my flower beds and yard, talking to Squirt, the babies and Mama. Yes, Mama is still here and I am so happy for that.

The babies are all doing well, we are settling into our new routine slowly but surely...tho we all still miss our Sweet Bebe a great deal. Not a day goes by without tears and a deep aching in my arms to hold her one more time. It is still amazing to me that I got to be her mom.

[molly muffin]

Finding that new routine can be hard when you are fighting a serious illness. Just take care of yourself. :)

hugs
sharlene and molly muffin

[gatorgirl_bama]

Feel better soon.

[Squirt's Mom]

Well I am down to once a day on the pred - YAY! That jittery antsy feeling is going away....but with it's exit the pain of inflammation comes roaring back. :rolleyes: Ah well, at least I can breath better and for that I am very thankful. A few more days on the ABs and that will be over, too.

We got the call day before yesterday that a booth had opened up in the flea market so we will start setting up our little booth hopefully Sun. Most of my things are priced already but I have to decide what to bring first. With four of us sharing space, we won't have room for us all to bring all we have at one time. But by swapping out items we can keep our booth fresh looking and hopefully keep folk interested in checking us out when they come in. Yesterday I determined to complete these little projects I got started under the Pred assault :p and made some good headway. I hope to finish them completely today. I have felt rather silly being "defeated" by Popsicle stick crafts! :D

Being off Facebook is doing me a world of wonders. My mind is opening up and the creative juices are starting to flow more freely. I find myself jotting down ideas for things all day long - something I haven't felt in years. Now I am working on cutting down the TV time, which is iffy since Brick uses those sounds to navigate. But I am working on using the radio and letting him and Trink learn a bit about silence - well what is silence to me anyway. ;)

I was able to walk a couple of my fields this week. There are a couple of plants I have been searching for for some time with no luck. The first day out, I asked Squirt to come with me...and she did. The very first plant I saw was one I have been searching for - St. John's Wort (Hypericum perforatum). This plant is not usable due to its location, by a drainage ditch, but it was proof SJW does grow here and fueled my drive to find more of it. I left that field, thanking Squirt and asking her to stay with me, and went to another one where I found TWO St. John's Worts! Both of these are growing on clean land, too. :cool:

One morning this week I was having a particularly difficult time. I went out to sit on the porch in the cool morning with thoughts, not fit for sharing, flying through my mind. Without going into detail here, I came full circle and at the conclusion, which was not the direction those thoughts had been taking initially, a strong scent of Honeysuckle surrounded me. Honeysuckle is just about done blooming here, with very few blooms on the vines, but the aroma was as intense, if not more so, as when in the fullness of its Spring growth. I knew when that scent wrapped itself around me that was Squirt and Gia giving their approval and affirmation - it was them wrapping me in their love, reminding me we are always together.

It's things like this that let me know my Queen is still by my side even tho my hand falls on empty air when I unconsciously reach down to stroke her back. The loss of that mundane contact continues to be agonizing but that pain is made bearable by times such as these.

[labblab]

Oh Leslie, I am so touched that you are sensing the sweet presence of your loved ones. I have always felt that there will never be a time when Barkis does not come to me at the moment I call out to him to join me. Those moments are fleeting and come less often now. But the connection, although invisible, remains unbroken. Just as I hope and believe it shall always remain so for you and your girls.

Love, Marianne

[molly muffin]

That sounds absolutely divine Leslie. :) How calming to have the Queen roaming with you through the fields and Gia presence to remind you that you are never alone.

How exacting to get the Flea Market booth! Best of luck! I'm sure that people will be flocking towards it.

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[addy]

Hi Leslie,

I am so happy you can feel that sweet Bebe is with you. It is such a comfort when we are at such a loss. I think spending time outdoors, even on a porch- just getting back to nature and just "being" rejuvenates us.

I am sorry to hear that the pain comes back without the pred. My arm is still crooked and hurts. So I hope you fare better than I have. Every once in awhile I sneak one of Zoe's prednisone pills and then my arm feels so much better.

The flea market circuit can turn out well and I hope it is successful for you. I just want everything to get better for you.

Much love and hugs

[Squirt's Mom]

Well, it has been an extremely stressful past 2 weeks culminating in me deciding to leave the flea market venture. One bad apple sort of thing that turned a fun and easy project into a nightmare. But that's ok. I learned a long time ago how to walk away from an abusive, unhealthy situation... and people.

I am continuing with my crafting and hope to have enough things to sell at a little craft event held in my home town each Oct. A friend who sews really cute things and I are going to have a booth. I've posted some pics of some yard art I am learning to do and one of a ceramic piece I painted years ago. The yard art is made from old pieces of glassware found in thrift stores, yard sales, and flea markets. The first pieces I am making are for Squirt's flower garden. There is a bird bath and bird feeder shown in the pics. They aren't glued together yet but I have decide these are what I want in her garden. I plan to make at least one more for her garden that will incorporate a tea pot and be more whimsical looking - hopefully. Here are the links to the pics -

Bird bath -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/002_zpsb7ed1dc7.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/002_zpsb7ed1dc7.jpg.html)

Bird feeder -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/004_zpse2c3f889.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/004_zpse2c3f889.jpg.html)

Ceramic piece (chipped in its many moves sadly!) -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/002_zps8ec90d70.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/002_zps8ec90d70.jpg.html)

And just for fun, a "self portrait" I did years ago, also ceramic, also chipped :( ) -
http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/002.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/002.jpg.html)

[molly muffin]

Oh how sweet those will look in your bebe's garden.
Love the ceramics. Use to do those many years ago myself.

Good luck on your fall project.
Smart of you to know when to walk away and even better to be able to do so

Hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

[Truffa's Mom]

Good for you sweetie, sorry the bad apple ruined your new venture, but glad you could walk away, and a new window has opened for you.

Love the glass pieces, they would be a success, and an exquisite and sweet touch to your Queen's baby's garden.

My heart is filled with joy and tears at the same time when I read that your journey with Squirt's spirit is leading you to wonderful discoveries in nature and that in some way it keeps bringing some solace to your soul.

Love you and your babies to pieces.

[Squirt's Mom]

Yesterday was a very tough day for some reason. I woke up crying, missing Squirt and Gia so very much. Tears and pain were constant companions throughout the first morning hours then I learned about Robin Williams' suicide. Such a great man who brought so much healing laughter to so many couldn't find one, not one, reason to stay his hand in spite of his family, friends, fame, wealth, and future. I heard about a tweet from the cast of Aladdin in which they posted, "Genie, you're free." And I admit a part of me was envious. Most of my night was spent in tears that have continued this morning. I am missing my beautiful girls in the marrow of my bones.

[addy]

Oh dear Leslie,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard night and day. Squirt's death triggers all of your emotions of missing Gia and that is so understandable.

Somehow we go on because Robin's solution was such a horrible one and I know we sometimes feel that the pain is too bad to bear but I can't imagine what pain he felt to take his life.

So here I am telling you hugs and kisses and how much we love you and need you and that we have to find the smallest thing each day to be grateful for.

One good thing a day- I set about to cleaning some old wood chairs last night and I actually got ALL the grime off - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED and then it was playtime with Koko:):):)


Try to find one good thing today and come back to tell me what it was:):)

[My sweet Ginger]

And what about the pain he leaves behind on his loved ones for the rest of their lives. To me a suicide is the most selfish act one can inflict on their loved ones. I wish he'd used that courage(?) to go on with his life as hard as it may be instead of ending it.

[labblab]

My dear Leslie, my heart aches for you. I wish I had some healing words to offer but I am really struggling this week, too, and especially today. I am having such a hard time mobilizing to do much of anything other than worry. I am going to try really hard to pay attention to Addy's wise guidance about finding something good in this day, though, and I so hope you will be able to, too. I will come back later and tell you my good thing and I'll be watching for yours as well, OK? So I'll see you later, my friend.

Marianne

[Budsters Mom]

((((((((Hugs))))))))

[apollo6]

Dear Leslie,
I so understand how you feel. There is such an emptiness,hole in our heart and soul when we lose them. Comfort for you . Dear sweet Squirt.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[Harley PoMMom]

(((((Huge loving hugs))))) for you, dearest Leslie.

[molly muffin]

Leslie,

I wish that I/we could take away of the pain of loss, all the longing for things to be as they were.

Since we cannot, I will wish for you to find some peace in each day, the one good thing that makes the hurt not so bad.

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Squirt's Mom]

One good thing....Squirt got to have a real house again for almost 2 years to the day. A promise kept.

[Robert]

Hi hope you are feeling a bit better. Big hugs. They leave a hole that just isn't filled.

[labblab]

Kathy has been my guardian angel today and came up with a whole list of good things to remind me of on Peg's (Luna's ;)) thread. But I'm back here with a good thing for us both, Les: All the goodness and kindness and support that have been showered upon us by our K9C family today. How lucky we are to be cared for by so many very special people. :o :) :)

Wishing us both more peaceful dreams tonight.

[doxiesrock912]

Leslie,
I have those days too.
I absolutely LOVE the bird feeder! It's gorgeous!


This video gives a great description of what it really means to suffer from depression. I encourage everyone to view it please.

http://www.upworthy.com/in-response-to-robin-williams-death-the-most-powerful-description-of-depression-ive-ever-heard?g=5&c=ufb1

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

I hope today brings you some sunshine and a little lightness in your heart, sending big hugs xxxx

[addy]

I hope today is a better day for you.I forgot to tell you how hard I laughed when I looked at one of your links and I could hear one of the pups "talking" in the background. Which one was it?

I also thought of one good thing for you today - that is if Trinket nibbles at your toes:):):):):):):):)

[Tina]

Thinking of you Leslie, and sending love and big hugs from me and Jasper.

[Squirt's Mom]

Thanks, ya'll. I seem to have suddenly regressed to a state more like those first few days - roaming around crying, wanting to scream. In my roaming, I fell again and in trying to protect the shoulder I twisted and hurt my back instead this time! :rolleyes::D So I spent most of yesterday in bed.

But ya'll don't worry. I am not one who believes the darkness in us should be feared, shoved down or gotten rid of. Instead I believe it is part of the whole, the balance to the light in us. So to me, these dark times are simply part of who and what I am. The Darkness is to be honored just as is the Light, for the combination makes the whole. One or the other holds sway at times but for the most part, they color my world pretty equally. I also believe these times serve a purpose, bring a lesson I need learn, or make me aware of some facet of my being I need to understand and embrace. Yes, I want to be with my beautiful girls more than just about anything else...but I still have a job to do and promises to keep for now. So I will continue to Dance my Life as best I can; sometimes that effort will be great, at other times it will be minimal, but the Dance continues none-the-less.

And Marianne, you are so right....we are ever so blessed to have such an amazing, loving, supportive family here at K9C.

[Squirt's Mom]

http://www.miriamgreenspan.com/excerpts/chapterOneEx.html

[Budsters Mom]

Oh sweet Leslie, you always know exactly the right thing to say to help us to feel better. Unfortunately, I don't have your very special gift, so bear with me.

It has been over 13 months since buddy moved on. Most days I am doing okay, but when I'm not, I'm really not! The dam bursts and I totally fall apart.:( It hasn't been long since Squirt joined the others at the rainbow Bridge. Give yourself time to grieve sweetie.

Now for a little story because you are so great at stories..... I received a cutting of a Plumeria (from a dear friend who has since passed) many years ago. I planted it, to but it did not bloom. I frankly didn't think it was ever going to bloom. When a Plumeria gets ready to bloom, a stalk grows out of it. When it opens up, it starts to bloom. Dozens of fragrant flowers burst from that one stalk. It will continue to bloom for a good month. Last July, a couple days after I lost Buddy, I noticed that a stalk was growing out of my Plumeria. I pass this bush going in and out of the house every day. The stalk continued to grow and in another week or so, I had beautiful and fragrant Plumerias bursting forth for the first time. It continued to bloom the whole rest of July and part of August.

Now we come to this year.…… This year three stalks started to grow around July 1st. I have had beautiful Plumarias blooming all of last month and probably will for a few more weeks. This morning, when I was leaving the house to do errands I noticed an enormous yellow and black butterfly sitting on one of the Plumeria flowers. It was one of the biggest butterflies I had ever seen! I froze as if to stop time. That precious gift was overwhelming. I sat on the porch with Rosie and we watched that butterfly for about five or six minutes, before it eventually flittered away.

I am convinced that our babies remain with us forever and show themselves through nature. Gia, squirt, and all the others are with you Leslie, every minute of every day forever. Stop and notice the beauty around you and you will be sure also.

I am so sorry that your shoulder is still giving you fits and that you fell again. I am worried about you. Depression is very serious. We love you Leslie and we are always here. xxxxooooo

[addy]

Here I am to give you a hug to start your day.

I think being outside is very healing. Feeling the sun on our faces, the gentle, warm breeze tickling through our hair. That is my one good thing today. I just did that:):):):)

[Harley PoMMom]

Huge loving hugs from me as well :)

[apollo6]

Dear Leslie
Know you are not alone. There is nothing I can say to make it better. Squirt is was and always will be inside you and a part of you ,both your girls will be. They are the center of our world and give us a purpose and meaning and so much more. When we lose them it is like the bottom fell out, we fall in a deep hole and the pain and grief consumes us. We here all know to well how that feels. Sometimes we need to sit and confront it. Seek support, do what comforts you,write about it. It is almost two years since I lost Apollo and I still struggle and miss him every day and want him back.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[molly muffin]

Thinking of you and babies today. I hope this is going to be a weekend of "light".

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[jrepac]

Hope you are doing OK Leslie...I know it's hard. I was going back and reading some of your Squirt stories and having a good chuckle. She clearly had lots of terrier in her...God knows I've seen a lot of that in my Aussie pups.

On a positive note, my friends who recently lost their Pom just got a Silky pup. She was just having a real hard time of things w/out her baby. Having said that, she knows she cannot replace the baby she had. But, she can love another.

It was kind of funny in that I did not have the heart to tell her about all the "terrier troubles" that will be in store for her. I don't think she realizes that Silkies are 50pct Aussie Terrier and she thinks my latest Aussie, Pepper, is a real handful. She told me she did not want a "rowdy" dog. I just bit my lip and smiled. I can already tell that this little Silky has lots of spunk in her. Sweet, but feisty, as a terrier can be. It will be interesting, to say the least.:)

[Trish]

Hi Leslie

Just wanted to pop and to let you know I am still thinking of you and all the great work you do with your pups!!! Hope life has a little more sunshine in it for you lately. Big hugs xxxx

[Squirt's Mom]

Thanks, ya'll. I'm a bit better. Fake it til you make it, right?

Jeff, you are so right...your friend is in for a surprise! I don't think I've ever met a non-rowdy Terrier pup of any breed - or Terrier mix for that matter! They all seem to come with an extra load of energy, stamina, and a penchant for adventure, or mischief in some eyes! :D You only have to look in their eyes to see how full of it they truly are! :p

[Woodydog]

I'm getting the good at fake it till you make it 😄

I hope you are managing to hold your own Leslie I think of you and squirt often x

[Squirt's Mom]

I made three glass sculptures over the last couple of weeks and put them out in Squirt's garden this morning. The fairy sculpture was initially going to be for sale at the craft show next month but I decided Squirt would enjoy her. ;) The plants that are there so far are Blue Vervain, Angel Trumpet, Iris', Cannas, wild Daisy, cultivated red rose, wild pink rose, wild pink Dianthus, Blue-eyed grass, a dark yellow Black Eyed Susan-looking flower that volunteered which I haven't ID'd yet (under the suncatcher or sparklie as I call them), an Easter Lilly, Goldenrod, and Monkey grass. A Cypress Vine, or Hummingbird Vine, is also taking off to the back of this section, climbing into the trees and Honeysuckle. The Blue-eyed grass and Monkey grass were already here as were the Goldenrod, which most folk see as an evil plant but it isn't at all. ;) The roses both wild and cultivated came from cuttings; the Angel Trumpet was given to me as cuttings as well along with the Easter Lilly. Iris' came from the old family place in Mississippi where my mom grew up; the Canna were given to me by my honorary daughter. The rest I have dug up in the wild and transplanted. It will be a few years before everything is fully mature and by then I hope this little section is cram packed full of color!

Here are some pics of how it looks today -

http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/005_zps721dcbc6.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/005_zps721dcbc6.jpg.html)

http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/008_zps317395be.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/008_zps317395be.jpg.html)

http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/004_zpsccb80ec4.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/004_zpsccb80ec4.jpg.html)

http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/003_zps0d71d75e.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/003_zps0d71d75e.jpg.html)

http://i752.photobucket.com/albums/xx168/girffie/002_zps740b0f79.jpg (http://s752.photobucket.com/user/girffie/media/002_zps740b0f79.jpg.html)

[Trish]

Awww Leslie, I love those!! What a gorgeous spot you are creating for your girl, so very pretty... just like her!!

I can see how you would easily sell, but I am like you and would want to keep them all to decorate the garden!! xxx

[addy]

What a beautiful garden for Squirt. I love it all. I would want to keep all the sculptures too. They are beautiful, Leslie. You have a special talent.

It is also so special to have plants from your homestead in Mississippi. Irises are so wonderful in the garden but then the whole list of plants you named are wonderful.


They will bring you great joy and joy to Squirt as well.

Big Hugs

[mcdavis]

Squirt's garden is absolutely beautiful.

There's no such thing as 'terrier troubles', it's just that life with a terrier is 'interesting' ;)
and once you've had one, there's no going back!!

[My sweet Ginger]

Leslie, what a lovely garden you made for Squirt and that's the prettiest birdbath I've ever seen. She will love it.:)

[molly muffin]

I loved the photos Leslie. Thanks for showing and sharing with all of us, Squirts lovely garden. It is lovely and I'd have to put the lovely sculptures in her garden too. I know it is her you were thinking of when making them all. :)

hugs
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Budsters Mom]

I love your sculptures. You are so creative! Every time I go to the thrift store, I think of you when I see old vases, plates and bowls just lying around. What a waste.

[Squirt's Mom]

Thanks ya'll! Not sure how much talent it takes to glue pieces of glass together but it is fun! :) As you might have noticed I don't lean toward the manicured look - I much prefer the wild abandoned look, no order, just random placement then see what the plants want to do. Most of these will spread either in their spots or by seeding that area so it should get fuller and fuller as time passes. And of course a wild abandoned garden matches Squirt's wild abandoned hair and personality! :D

The little herb garden around back is doing well, too. This morning I transplanted an Elder tree back there from the pot where it was first placed. So far there is Spotted Bee Balm, Yarrow, Echinacea, Cardinal Lobelia, Boneset, Skullcap, and Blue Vervain out there - all but the Skullcap brought in from the wild. The St. John's Wort that Squirt helped me find was cut down Sun but I found the roots amazingly and have put them in the herb garden. Whether it will survive or not is questionable plus it got cut down before the seeds matured so I hope the roots were still viable. We will see. There is another SJW that volunteers all over the place around here that does have some medicinal uses but not like the perforatum and I haven't been able to determine which one it is - there are 100's of differing SJWs!

It may seem odd but I always ask Squirt to go be with me when I'm working with plants in any way, whether in the wild or at home and I believe she is there. Things like being able to locate the roots in a field that had been bush hogged tell me she is by my side. I found the ribbon I had tied on the plant to help locate it but it was loose. The roots were found about 8' from the ribbon. I just don't think I could have found 3 small dried up roots in a field about the size of 8 acres without Squirt's help. I miss her more than words can ever tell but things like this help me know she is still and always will be by my side.

[beaglemom3]

Beautiful sculptures Leslie! And such a lovely garden for Squirt

[Trish]

Ahhhh yes, but you do have to decide which bit to glue together... talent for sure :D:D I am so with you on the natural garden design, I love it!!

[Squirt's Mom]

THE SILHOUETTE

The silhouette stands boldly
at the end of the hallway
ears erect, eyes like jewels
the tail, it softly sways.

This wouldn't be the first time
I've seen her stand nearby
her image clear as crystal
from the corner of my eye.

Her visits I don't share with some
who think I've gone over and beyond
the grieving time they deem I need,
they say I should move on.

I sometimes pity people who
have never felt just cause
to share the bond between two souls,
one with hands and one with paws.

The silhouette reminds me
what the others say is wrong
for as long as breath goes through me
there exists our mighty bond.

When the Keeper calls me home
and the Bridge gates open wide
our bond will deepen ten fold
as we walk through side by side.

You see, I am the lucky one
as I've been truly blessed
for someday we'll walk together
as eternal silhouettes.

-- Terri Onorato

[Budsters Mom]

This is beautiful! :p Tears flowing.

[doxiesrock912]

Wow Leslie, my mom would've loved the angel sculpture!
Beautiful!

I've always heard that terriers can be a bit crazy. Dachshunds are stubborn and Daisy sure fit that perfectly. I was more stubborn though so it worked :-)

I always do my research when getting another pet. I don't like those surprises.

[addy]

Dear Leslie-

My heart is with yours as we read this beautiful poem, reflect, share tears, honor the bond, the memory.

hugs

[apollo6]

How beautiful,heartfelt.
Sonja and Apollo
Always in our hearts.

[Silliam]

I was so sad to see this I am thinking of you and hopefully sending comforting energy your way. T_T

[jas77450]

Such a beautiful poem! My heart too is with yours as we remember our angels.

[Squirt's Mom]

I was preparing food bowls yesterday and had to give both Brick and Trink meds. The thought came flying into my mind as I was preparing, "Ahhhh, this is more like it! Something to do other than just fill the bowls." How sad that it feels more normal to be giving meds than not. It was such a part of Squirt's daily life for so very long that became the norm, what should be, and I miss it her so very much.

[Budsters Mom]

I completely understand Leslie. :o

(((((((hugs))))))

[jas77450]

Ya, you feel lost not having to give most of your time caring for them then it's suddenly over. You would give anything to get to do it again. So hard to adjust to the new " norm". My heart is with you, hugs for you and a pat for Squirt!

[addy]

I can so relate- I don't know what to do with myself when I get home from work. Koko is so easy, brush his teeth, wipe his eyes and play with him.

Big hugs!!!

[Miae]

I don't know what to say...
My thoughts are with you.
Take heart..

[Harley PoMMom]

((((Hugs))))

[doxiesrock912]

Totally understand.
No pet meds going on at our house either. So strange.

[addy]

Hi Leslie,

Just stopping by to send love and give some hugs. This is a hard month for quite a few of us so I wanted you to know I care about you and all your babies and of course, my memories of precious Squirt are priceless for me.

Leslie, I remember how much I loved to watch the videos of Squirt swimming in the pool. I got such a kick out of that. She was so darn cute.

I hope my memory makes you smile:):)

[Squirt's Mom]

ohhhhh, thank you so much, Addy. With her birthday coming up, yes, it is especially hard. She would have been 17 on the 25th. It still seems so unreal that she is gone. I know you understand that only too well.

[Spencersmom]

Leslie.....so understand!

With Lexi, we had to give her all kinds of meds, then she was gone! The next month after losing her, we found out that Spencer had cushings and the seizures started at the same time! Back to the med routine, eventually including setting the alarm for midnight dose!

Now.....no pets....no meds....no nothing! I still cry....doing so as I type!! Yes it's something I miss....only because it means my sweet babies are no longer here!

{{{hugs}}} gf.....one day at a time!

[mcdavis]

Just dropping by to let you know that we're thinking of you, Squirt and the rest of your gang.
Take Care

[Squirt's Mom]

Happy 17th Birthday, my Queen!

I love you and miss you so. Your sisters, brothers and I will share a fried egg this morning in your honor. Oh I love you.

[labblab]

Leslie, thinking of you and Queen Squirt with so much love.

[addy]

Happy Birthday our most precious Squirt!!!!!

Always remembered and loved, Leslie, we hold you both close to our hearts today and always!!!

[My sweet Ginger]

Happy birthday, Squirt.

I know you are looking down on your mom with full of pride as she's the best mom ever. Have a wonderful day with all your friends chasing butterflies. You must've loved chasing butterflies or something as your mom seems to be all things butterflies, Squirt's butterfly garden etc,.
Hugs and kisses,

[mcdavis]

Happy 17th Birthday darling Squirt. Hope you're enjoying a fried egg too.

[molly muffin]

Happy Birthday Squirt! Heavenly belly rubs for you!!

[Dixie'sMom]

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Dear Squirt!!

I'm holding all of you close to my heart today and honoring the love you all shared with a candle. Hugs and Love!

[Harley PoMMom]

Happy Birthday, sweet Squirt. Your memory lives on in our hearts forever, and we will lovingly remember you always.

Dearest Leslie, sending huge and loving hugs your way.

[Robert]

Squirt will be enjoying an egg too I'm sure!!!! And partying with all her mates up there. Thinking of and praying for her and all still here.

[scoora]

Happy Birthday Squirt

[Budsters Mom]

Happy Birthday Squirt! You are dearly loved and missed by all! I hope your cake is a big one!;):D

[doxiesrock912]

Happy Birthday Squirt!

[Squirt's Mom]

Thank you everyone. You're always here, always caring.

Yesterday was tough, more emotional that usual tho I still cry every day for her. It was a bit of a roller coaster - joy in memories one minute, devastated the next. Poor Trink and Brick were constantly being swept up and held while tears dripped on them. For breakfast, I fried an egg and divided it between us all and we had a bite together in honor of our sweet girl's birthday.

It snowed here yesterday and snow was something Squirt dearly loved. We got almost 3", enough that she would have plowed the yard with her face had she been here, grinning from ear to ear, wiggling that butt in her enjoyment. She would have come in with snowballs hanging all over her and she would have been wearing them with pride, as if she created the snow just so she could make balls on her body. No one else here cares for the snow, or cold, at all - it was always she and I who shared that joy. It snowed just about all day long and tho it caused sorrow for what could no longer be it also brought her a bit closer knowing she loved snow so. On the news last night they were showing snow pics from around the area and someone sent a pic of a young pup with snow all over its face and chest who looked a great deal like Squirt did as a puppy. I knew exactly what that baby's parents felt as they watched it frolicking in the snow.

I still don't know who I am without her and sometimes I think too much of me left with her. About the time I think things are back together, I realize not only are they not, pieces are completely missing and I have no idea where to find them.

[mytil]

Big (((hugs))) Leslie!!!!

[labblab]

Leslie, I thought of you yesterday when I saw the coverage of the Arkansas snow. I thought it looked so beautiful, and I was jealous because we ended up with only a dusting over here. At the time, I did not realize how much Squirty would have enjoyed romping in it. But knowing that now, I realize how bittersweet that snowfall must feel to you. It is so hard to wrap our minds and our hearts around these changes that alter our lives so profoundly. I wish I could offer some words of advice, but I am struggling, too. My heart is with you this morning as you look out upon Squirt's snow.

[Blues people]

Hi. I sat last night and read about your journey w/ Squirt. Took me awhile- but I must tell you, it was like reading a novel- full of love. I wanted to thank you because the information is invaluable to me as we start our CD journey w/ our Blue. I have had dogs all my life, G shepherds as a child- collies,poodles,husky/shepherd mix, and for over 20 yrs. I bred,raised and showed shelties. Now we have AB's, my hubby's fav that he waited for all these 30 yrs. reading your posts brought back so many memories- happy,sad, crazed and ecstatic. Ironically, despite having over 30 dogs - CD is the one issue we never came up against. So, thank you again. Happy thoughts, Joan

[molly muffin]

That is a wonderful picture you paint of Squirt in the snow, nose down, butt wiggling. I can picture it in my mind and close my eyes and see her .

big hugs

[Jmkk]

Oh I am so very sorry. :( Rest in Peace Squirt

[Spencersmom]

Leslie, thinking of you as you walk memory lane!! Just think of the snow as Squirt's gift to you for his birthday! What better present, than wonderful, happy memories!!

{{{hugs}}} my friend!

[Meg_Elizabeth]

Leslie, I hope you are doing well and basking in the wonderful memories that you shared with Squirt. I can't imagine how hard this time must be for you, but I know everyone here is with you and I am in spirit. You are so strong and incredible. Your little queen must have been the same :)

[Trish]

Hi Leslie and Queen Squirt!!

Hope the Spring is finding you well and you are getting a good crop of herbs to replenish your supplies. If I close my eyes I can imagine you foraging with a little Squirt nosing about enjoying the new smells of Spring! I know she is never far away from you... xxxxx

[Squirt's Mom]

Today is your 21st birthday and I dreamed about you this morning. We had gone to a wedding at a big house. Someone left the door open and you got out of the house. I looked out the door and saw you in the barn but when I came back out after getting my coat you were nowhere to be seen. I walked mile after mile along roadways, thru fields and woods, across bridges over rivers, thru season after season and from time to time I would see your tail held up in that funny stiff quivery way you had when you were on the trail of some interesting varmint but that is all. I never found you and woke with that all too familiar ache in my Soul. I know you are alright, that you are happy and exploring to your heart's content but I am selfish and I can't help missing you, wishing I could hold you in my arms right now and see your bright eyes staring into mine again. One day, my beloved Queen, one day. Til then, know you are loved as ever. Take care of your sissy and siblings meanwhile.

[Joan2517]

Awww, Leslie....

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending tons of huge and loving hugs to you, our dearest Leslie.

[spdd]

Nothing I can say to ease the heartache... but you know I know.... many hugs to you.