(Adrenal tumor) desperately want info - my sweet little boy has passed

[Squirt's Mom]

I lost my Boston in Dec. She had breast cancer and started having seizures. We had an animal communicator working with us the last few months of her life and on the day I let her go, the communicator told me something that has been an immense comfort. She said that as Tash started across The Bridge, she was surprised at how good she felt, that she hadn't realized how debilitated she had become on Earth. Those pains and discomforts and limitations were gone and she felt so good. Our communicator helped us both during a very difficult time and is working with Squirt now. If you think it will help, by all means talk to this guy.

[Fellasmom]

Hi Lori and Kim,
Of course I will share all that I hear!Maybe THAT was THE sign I was begging of Fella earlier-to get a call from Linda who tells me the owner of this rescue wants to speak with me!I normally would be a little afraid to hear things but the way I feel,there is NOTHING that could make me feel worse!

And yes,Kim,for some reason what has happened to Fella has created many tears.Two of my best friends have been sobbing with me.One said that it just brought up so many feelings of her mom's unexpected death 10yrs ago.She said it was so shocking she just never was able to accept it.Another friend says that his tragic death terrifies her.We both can't have children and our babies sort of fill that void and we "forget" we don't have children. It's a cruel reminder that among many other things they give,they fill a void in our lives that we forgot we had,until they are no longer with us.

I can't wait till I can think of Fella without thinking of that surgery.I want to be able to share the funny stories and celebrate his life.How difficult he made it to catch him the day I found him roaming.He met his match however cuz I was determined I was getting him.Even then I knew he was special!Love and miss you my Fella boy!:(.And I'm a late eater,so don't expect anything till about 7pm!;)

[Mel-Tia]

I asked Tia to show Fella how to show you a sign.

I told her on the morning we said goodbye she needed to send me lots of signs in case I missed them

I hope this guy helps you tomorrow

Big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Aww...so sorry for your loss of "Boston".How comforting it must have been to hear that from the communicator!Your heart hurts so much from worry when your dog becomes ill.Such an awful feeling.I truly believe my Kelsey is in heaven-I see signs from her all the time,7 years later,and it always makes me smile!The love shared between a human and an animal is so pure and so very hard to explain.
Whenever I see someone who doesn't like animals,I immediately feel so sorry for them-they will never experience the kind of love we feel and have experienced.

It's hard to believe I only found this page about 2 wks ago but yet I really truly don't know what I would do without all of you.If I have forgotton some of your names,it's just because I'm usually reading with tears in my eyes.Each and everyone of you have comforted me with your kind words and shared in the sorrow of losing Fella.

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Mel!And thank Tia for me too!!I need all the signs I can get!:)

[Mel-Tia]

I know. It's all so much to take in

Hour at a time xxx

[doxiesrock912]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry that I misunderstood. Clot on the kidney:(

I believe in psychics because I "knew" that two uncles died at the exact moment when it happened. As I ran upstairs to my parents' bedroom, my grandmother was calling confirming what I already knew. The second time, I didn't tell anyone for a week when another family member told us.

She's say things that no one else could possibly know if she's legitimate.

If you think that talking with the surgeons will alleviate some of the pain and guilt that you're feeling, then I would call them sooner than later. If you need time before speaking with them, wait a bit instead.

[NoonelovesmelikeNorman]

Hello! I am just stopping by to express my heartfelt sympathy for your loss of Fella. I havent been on daily and didnt get to read the entire posts. My thoughts and prayers are with you. (((hugs)))

I too beleive in psychic's - may you find comfort and peace as the days progress.

Sending Love and comfort you way.

Sharon, Norman (cushings doxie), millie (mini yorkie pooh)

[Fellasmom]

Hi Valerie and Shannon and Mel-thanks for your support and caring thoughts.I guess most of u DO believe in psychics!I can't wait for her to call me tomorrow.I have so many troubling thoughts that I hope she may tell me something that will provide some comfort and make some sense of what has happened.I will fill u all in once I hear from her.Thanks again-don't know what I would do without you!!
Patty

[gunthersmom]

I'm sooooo sorry for your loss, have been sitting here in tears reading all the posts. Know that the choices you made were made with love for fella and you did the best you could for him. Our fur babies have a way of knowing this, and know that everything we do for them we do with love. I am a firm believer in psychics and communicators and hopefully you can get some answers and info that will help you to start healing.

Hugs
Angela and Gunther

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Angela!I really do hope that animals have that way of just "knowing"that everything we do,we do for them-that's the part I'm having the hardest time with.I'm haunted with the thoughts he felt betrayed by me in the last hours of his life and THAT kills me.
I am praying the psychic says something to relieve some of this pain related to the surgery.Love this blog-can't say it enough!

[molly muffin]

Hi Patty, what a great opportunity to have that chance. I wonder too if this isn't a sign from Fella, you asked for a sign and your gf called.
I hope you had some dinner tonight. I bet Gracie thought she was in doggie heaven with that bone! :) Goldens have such happy, loving dispositions.
Hang in there sweetie. Sending you some great big cyber hugs.
love,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin
I

[frijole]

It is 8 pm Miss Patty. Tell us what you had for dinner? Please? Spill it! :D Kim

[Fellasmom]

I was so exhausted I fell into a deep sleep and just woke up to the cat meowing-of course,he MUST eat at 3am!And yes,I did eat dinner finally.

When Kelsey passed,Fella seemed to accept her death almost immediately.Kelsey was hit by a car,thankfully lived for 10years afterwards but required extra care.Fella was found on the streets and the transition was flawless-he was just happy to have a home and just took a backseat to Kelsey as he sensed she needed more care and attention.I always remember the morning after Kelsey died.He came up to me and gave me a deep look that seemed to say "its just you and me now".I don't think he has literally ever left my side since.Always tucked in against my right side on the couch watching TV.Waking up to him tucked under the blankets curled up against me.I miss him so much!

I do want to call the surgeon and ICU doctor but I'm not ready.But I'm afraid if I don't call them right away,they'll forget about poor Fella.I may call the ICU resident Dr Babyak,and tell him that I'm not ready just yet,but that I would like to speak with him and the surgeon to discuss what may have happened with Fella.

It's Monday morning,he only just died on Friday-still can't believe he is gone.So many years of my life left(hopefully)and it will be spent without him.Gracie is a wild child-Fella always kept her in line,all 20lbs of him!She seems a little withdrawn,I can tell she misses him so much-breaks my heart.

[Trish]

Hi Patty
I am here, home from work now, just after 8pm here in NZ.

I am very pleased to see you ate something finally and have had another nap.

I think that is a good idea, to call and schedule and appointment. Once you have that done, we can help you get together a list of questions if you like. I have a few of my own I would like answered!!

Trish xx

[Trish]

Ohhh I just realised we have something else in common Patty, I found Flynn on the streets too... he was a small wee thing about six months old and running in and out of cars on a busy road. I took him home too!

[Fellasmom]

Oh,I didn't realize Flynnie was on the streets as well!And he was so young!Fella was about 2 yrs old when I found him.You often wonder how they ended up there.I always told him it was mommy's luckiest day when I found him!Is it strange that I still can't believe he is gone?
He died on Friday,its monday.One weekend and life has changed forever.

When I was looking for surgeons(oh,I so wish i could go back to then,just a few days ago),I came across a Dr Bacon from Florida who I emailed.He sent me a very detailed email bout the surgery and I was so excited this past Thurs,I emailed him a note to thank him and let him know that Fella had sailed thru the surgery like a little tiger and was doing great!I just recieved a reply from him congratulating me.Of course,sobbing now!Keep saying,why didn't I just take him there?Of course,if something had happened there,I would have said,why didn't I just stay in Massachusettes?

Honestly,I don't know if I will ever be ready to hear what they have to say.The thought they may have missed something will KILL me and make me feel responsible for his death for the rest of my life.It's killing me now.I tried to ask all the questions I know of.They were so confident.I keep telling myself that this isn't a little hospital,it's Tufts!People come from different states to go there.They do adrenalectomys all the time with good outcomes.Keep thinking I killed my baby-just can't get that thought out of my head,no matter what anyone says.

[Fellasmom]

I keep going back to why they didn't give him that med for a wk or 2 before surgery that you guys all speak of.I know I asked them that several times,along with a hundred other questions,I just don't remember the answer.However,if it is a must to premedicate,I can't believe that a place like Tufts who does these surgeries frequently would ignore an established standard of care!I can't even look up adrenal crisis because my fear is that he crashed because they didn't premedicate him before.I can't face that they killed my baby because I was the one who took him there.

I know I keep saying this but losing him is heartbreaking but losing him to that surgery is unbearable.My poor baby.

[Trish]

Those medications are given if they are proven cushings, so in that case it would have been the adrenal tumour causing cushings symptoms. I cannot remember if you had the cush tests done or not at this stage, I need to go back and read as think I was in Australia at that stage and not keeping up with all the posts.

It really depends on type of tumour. Flynn's tumour was pheochromocytoma, so that type did not make him cushings although he had a few of the symptoms but not the more usual ones like excessive drinking/peeing etc. He did not need the meds for cushings but he did need BP meds as his blood pressure was high. If the tumour is a pheo they can have dangerous BP swings before and after surgery so that was he was medicated, we had to stop it a couple of days prior to surgery.

So I guess that is one of your questions, I hope they tested what Fella had once they took it out as that could give some answers.

After Flynn's surgery his other adrenal gland took over right away and he did not need meds for any possible addisons.

So confusing with all the "what if's...." but truly that is just torturing yourself which is all part of the grieving process, so entirely normal you know!!

[Mel-Tia]

Hello

I would think the reason they didn't give him blood thinners was because of the clot they were removing. That could have made it break off

I like you do not understand how a clot develops once they have given him the drugs after surgery. I know it's so tough. Could you mail tufts explain you want to talk but you are not sure when as you are still in shock

Tia was my Velcro dog so i understand the physical hole you are feeling

Bug hug

Mel
Xxxxxxx

[Trish]

Hi Mel - so nice to see you!!

Yes, that is what I was told to about the anticoagulants. They do not give the blood thinners before or at time of surgery as they would bleed to much when they operate. Flynn had them afterwards though, I had to give him the injections for a few days. xx

[Fellasmom]

Good morning Mel and Trish
Fella did have symptoms of Cushings which is what prompted me to take him in but the symptoms were very slight-increased thirst,urination,appetite.Once the US was done,and vena cava involvement was seen with an existing blood clot,all focus of course was finding a surgeon and looking alot closer at this tumor/clot.

All of this happened,from first vet appt with GP to surgery and death in about 6 days.The urgency of course was the blood clot and risk of it breaking free.Vet at tufts did explain types of tumors,etc and did say that he assumed it was a ?cushings tumor as the symptoms were not consistent with a pheo.He also said that a pheo is a slow growing tumor and if he had to guess,he thought we were looking at an obvious aggressive tumor.He said he would bet that if we had did an US just one month prior,we may not have seen it.Fella's BP was 150 which they said was good and they did say he had no spikes in BP during or after surgery.I know I asked about Trilostone before surgery and I don't quite remember his response but I know that it was not a concern.It seems odd that if it really IS a standard of care that a place like Tufts would ignore it.I do remember them speaking of the potential complications of a pheo tumor with the spikes in BP.

I was able to pull up the ICU doctor and just emailed him.I told him I would like to speak with him when I am ready to discuss what went wrong in his opinion and that I had questions about surgery and if we could have missed something and did mention the premed with trilostone.I pulled up the surgery online and it just said that dogs with cushing tumors get hydrocortisone,decadron or prednisone IV at time of surgery.They did say he was on prednisone IV and fragmin IV.I asked surgeon if he should be on anticoagulants before surgery and he said "oh no,that may affect blood clot-I don't want that blood clot to get boggy,loosen,etc.Plus usually people come off aspirin,etc because it increases risk of hemorraghe.

Beautiful sunrise this morning.I live across from the ocean.I pointed out the sunrise to Fella Thurs morning too.I said he was going to share so many more with me after the surgery.:(.

[Fellasmom]

Trish-I think we have one more thing in common as well-I am a nurse too-you are as well,right?
Mel-i can't remember where you said you lived-are you up extra early this AM or are you in Trish's time zone?

PS-the fact that Flynny wasn't on fragmin BEFORE surgery makes me feel better somewhat.I kept thinking maybe they made a mistake in NOT putting Fella on it.

[Mel-Tia]

I am in the uk, so five hours ahead

Vetoryl maybe wasn't prescribed as they would have had to do a test to check his cortisol levels which have to be sent out, they also have to inject a substance so time could have been a factor. Giving him a medicine together with the Anesthetic could have caused him more issues.

Also I am not sure if it's better for them to have higher cortisol to handle the surgery, one of the girls might be able to answer that.

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxx

[Mel-Tia]

Fella having cushings symptoms might have been the reason they didn't do prenisone as that mimics (or makes the body produce cortisol -not sure which)

So they wouldn't want his cortisol too high and equally they wouldn't want it low.

Mel
Xxxx

[Trish]

OK this is getting very strange!?!?!

1. Our names... me Trish (short for Patricia) you Patty ? same
2. Both dogs 12... well Flynny was 11 when diagnosed
3. Both dogs adrenal tumours
4. Both nurses - me urology
5. Both no human kids, apart from our furry babies
6. Both live close to ocean, I am 1 min walk from mine!!
7. Both dogs adopted from the streets!!

Hmmmmm.... spooky :D:D

[addy]

You are awake, I thought you would be, glad to see you have been talking to Mel and Trish.

After my father died, I picked out the brightest star in the sky and I would go out at night, staring at the star, speaking to it. My neighbors probably thought I was nuts but I found the more I talked to my dad in that way, the better I felt. There were many questions in my mind about how my father's illness and subsequent death were handled and I wondered often if the team did something wrong. Maybe we feel that way when we are in such shock and things suddenly go wrong.

(((((((((((((((big hugs this morning)))))))))) I'm thinking Fella enjoyed the beautiful sunrise with you.

[Trish]

Patty - I did a lit search when considering surgery for Flynn. None of the articles I have mention taking Trilostane for functional tumour preop. They mention the steroid and anticoagulant for surgery, but not preop either, apart from I think one that mentioned anticoag pre too. The only thing of note preop was for the pheo tumours like Flynn, in which case it was phenoxybenzamine for BP control. It took a good couple of weeks to get that right, our first trip to pet hospital for surgery and his BP was still too high and we had to go home again. Our pet hospital is about 3hrs drive away. But as you say Fella's BP was ok, plus on Flynn's CT they could see the tumour starting in the medulla which gave more weight to the probable pheo diagnosis which was confirmed on histology.

When you feel up to it, I am very happy to share these with you, just let me know and I can post links and can hopefully help you make sense of it all.

[Trish]

Hi Addy
Pull up a chair, Patty will give you a coffee as it seems she is living on it at the moment!!

Why are you up at this time? I usually see Tina about now, not you :)

Milwaukee: 5.34am, cloudy/sunny 7 celcius... ohhhhh your above freezing now!

[Fellasmom]

Addy-finding the brightest star is a beautiful way of remembering/speaking to your dad!I wish I could get to that point.I can't even look at a pic of his sweet little face because I am completely traumatized by the memory of the surgery.That in itself hurts me.I can't even bear to look at his beautfiful lil face.And yes,I am so glad to have found Mel and Trish on here at night-all times seem to be so lonely but nights seem to be the worst because I wake up without him.
Mel-I used to think I knew all about the rationale for premed,etc but I am so confused at this point,am trying to remember all the answers they gave me,etc...I just can't recall what they told me but whatever it was,they were confident in their answers.There was never a statement such as "well,we usually premedicate,but in this case we can't because blah,blah,blah".I would have remembered that.Hopefully the self torturing will stop one day,I'm hoping that when I'm strong enough to speak with docs there,it may shed some light and hopefully the answers may lessen my pain and blame.
Trish-yes,many coincidences indeed!I work on a med surg unit nights.I was doing home care many years ago and that's how I found Fella,running across a highway.He was actually the third dog I found there and caught.My poor patients-they never realized that the reason I would arrive late at their home was because I was too busy chasing my real passion which was dogs!:)

[Mel-Tia]

I too still wake up for Tia two months on

Perfectly understandable your heads all over the shop you have been through a shocking traumatic event which you never anticipated and I don't think they did either.

I am so sorry you cant look at his face, he wouldn't want you feeling like that, maybe write him a letter or start him a memory thread so you can get what you want to say out to your little guy, it might help

Keep talking to us, big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Trish,
Thank you so much for all that info!!Don't know if anyone can understand this but I need to KNOW in my heart that they didn't do anything wrong.I may have decided quickly to have the surgery based on the findings but during that short time,I literally was up all night long every night searching,emailing,calling,asking others,etc.I was petrified of losing him to that blood clot.I was sobbing all night the night before the surgery,and had to keep telling myself"you got 80-90%,stop your crying,you have to do this,this is HIS chance!

If they followed protcol,it makes me feel better.It makes my decision to go there seem not like such a deadly mistake.Fella was an alpha male.He WAS the BOSS!I found him in a tough,rough neighborhood.I always thought. a man must have abused him.If a strange man came up to him to say hello,he would just look at them and curl his lip and extend a very long "agggggggh".Like back off,she's mine!:)People would always say"Ur never going to meet anyone with that dog":).He made me feel safe,20lbs of toughness!

[Mel-Tia]

Totally understand. I would probably be thinking all you are, googling obsessively between sobs exactly the same Babe

Mel
Xxxxx

[Fellasmom]

thanks Mel!What trish just told me about all the lit she read before Flynny's surgery is a potential HUGE relief with blaming myself for perhaps not bringing him to the "right" hospital.

Fella had that personality that said "its my time but I'm going to fly thru that surgery they said was so difficult because I'm the boss,I'll show them how tough I am".I often wonder if he had died during surgery if it would have been more or less painful.

Recieved email from animal communicator,Lillie.She set up an appt this wednesday at 10am.I'm terrified but very excited to hear anything she may have to tell me.I sobbed asking for a sign yesterday and my gf called out of the blue with this.Maybe Tia made this happen-you did ask her to send me one!:)

[Trish]

Yep me the same too, google so much that sometimes I would scare myself silly. Probably doing the exact opposite of what we tell our patients Patty, I always say be careful what you read, make sure it is a reputable website and ALWAYS listen to your health professionals first!! But did I do that, nope haha

It is so hard to know what our wee boys did before we found them eh! I often wonder where Flynn came from, why was he wandering about without a collar on but looking very healthy? We did look for his owner, because he is such a friendly dog that I thought someone would be missing him, but noone came forward so he stayed mine!! Fella is so lucky he found you to, what a life he has had including waking up to ocean views....

I too was petrified of the whole blood clot scenario as that is what they saw on his scan too... if I could have had his surgery done in 6 days I would so have done it. I was so upset when his BP did not come down and we had to wait. I would have done EXACTLY the same as you did Patty.

[Mel-Tia]

Good re Trish's info on the hospital? At least that is one less doubt

We are here for all rational and irrational thoughts. One big family xxxx

I think I have seen lots of signs from her, might be imagining it but it makes me feel better

[Fellasmom]

Oh,I didn't know that Flynn had a blood clot as well and I read your whole story one night-felt like I was right there cheering you both on.Too bad you had to go all the way back home after anticipating surgery that day!Fella's BP was perfect.Doc said Fella was the perfect surgical candidate NOW.Hard to believe all labs,everything including the actual procedure pointed towards a remarkable recovery.His problem after surgery was never a high BP,and when he went into cardiac arrest and was rescisitated,he barely had a BP.Oh,so painful to think about my little boy struggling!

I too often used to wonder about what their life was like before we found them.The place I found Fella was rundown and a popular place to just dump animals.I used to think "who could ever just dump you,you're such a little lovebug".As I got to know him thru the years,he was such a tough cookie that I started to think it was him who woke up one day and said to himself"i'm out of here-these people are horrible and I'm leaving and never coming back"He was a determined tough little boy but with such a soft babyish side,he would almost purr like a kitten when I held him and kissed him.Ah,the pain of another day without him!Thanks for listening and you must be going to bed soon!

[Trish]

Yes, he had tumour thrombus. But it was mostly solid in the vena cava when they went in.

Patty, did you ever find out about what was in his stomach and how they got it out? That was weird and made my ears prick up when I read that. One of the things I have read is there are increased risks if they do other intra abdominal surgery at the same time.

Yes, it is nearly bedtime here, just about midnight. Cup of tea and I will be off soon! Not feeling sleepy at all though!

[Fellasmom]

When they called,they thot it was cat poop but then said it was a piece of grass or something and that it was in his intestines and said that removing it was not invasive in any way and may decrease any complications.I just recieved an email from Dr Babyak who said he was dismayed to learn about Fella and would be available to speak with me when I am ready to do so.

Well,enjoy your tea and sweet dreams.Thank you so much for being here.The thought of waking up to pain and suffering in the middle of the night,alone,is unbearable.To be able to come here and talk with all of you is a blessing.Thank you!!

[Mel-Tia]

Maybe you should try and have a little nap yourself?

I am supposed to be working but will be keeping an eye if you still want to talk, this place was a blessing to me as well, as my wee hours is your evening

[labblab]

Day shift reporting in again! Patty, I think a nap sounds like a lovely suggestion. But your daytime crew is right here ready any time you feel like chatting.

Marianne

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Mel!Guess the time difference works out for us!I just took Gracie out and she has diarrhea-1st time ever in 7yrs.I do think she is depressed and I feel so bad.Its a beautiful sunny day so I will take her on a special walk as I think she needs extra comfort as well.I have all of you but she only has me.Hope you have a good day in work and see you tonight!

[Mel-Tia]

Bless her. I look at Boyce all the time and wonder what he is thinking about where Tia went, they were proper brother and sister and he protected her that's why he came home with us!

Maybe get her on some chicken and rice and extra cuddles, I found it hard to go near Boyce the first few days so I know its tough

Will keep nipping back. Ocean walk later will do you good, I cried most walks for awhile so don't feel bad if you are the same, you have to feel what you feel

[Fellasmom]

Ha Marianne-just saw your message!Have to say it again-you guys are wonderful!!!I can see that many of u have been on here for awhile now and deep meaningfull friendships have grown as a result.Honestly,I just came to this board and I don't know what I would have done without all of u!If we didn't have dogs,none of us would be here so it's just another one of the many many gifts that are bestowed upon us from loving these babies!

It hurts so much that I can't even look at my baby without the painful image of surgery.I go over and over all of last week,the desperate need to find a surgeon,the sleepless nights googling,and the whole timepetting Fella's head beside me,telling him all the reasons why I was considering this for him.Took a video of him chewing on a bone,happily smiling,as I told him how much I loved him,how they said we could be a family for another 2 years with surgery!Kept saying "mommy doesn't want to see you get sick Fella"'...ughh...I don't know that I'll ever be able to watch that.If I could just turn back time but then again,couldn't live like that either.It just seems hopeless.Kelsey was the love of my life and I grieved tremendously.But her death wasnt sourrounded by tragedy.I was able to force myself thru the tears to remember her whole life and all that she gave me.I would always say to myself that I wasn't going to focus on her death,I was going to focus on her life.Unfortunately,I can't do that my poor Fella.

[Fellasmom]

Mel,
I felt the same way with Gracie yesterday and it made my heart break cuz I knew she needed me.But every time I looked at her,I saw that there was only one dog there and not two.Just saying that breaks my heart for her.I love her so much and am so tramautized(since this whole surgery,I have lost the ability to spell correctly)that I see her drinking alot of water and I become terrified and feel like she is going to die too!I know its just PTSD or something,but that's where my brain is-terror of losing her too.

[Mel-Tia]

It will get easier with Gracie it has for me and Boyce just took some time.

Don't beat yourself up about it, she knows you love her too

[Mel-Tia]

Am still around, how you doing?

Had some breakfast?

[Fellasmom]

HI Mel,
I seem to go on/off this blog a thousand times a day and light up whenever I hear from one of you!:).I am sitting here trying to dry my tears and get out in the sunshine with Gracie and take her for a nice walk.I then am going to force myself to go grocery shopping and tackle some of the laundry I have piled up.Grief just paralyzes you.

I am the stubborn determined type which isn't necessarily good sometimes.However,there is a part of me that keeps saying "You are NOT going to let that surgery take away your loving thoughts of Fella"..maybe that's a breakthrough in the right direction,I don't know.But he was so many things to me for so many years,I just have to force my mind off of that postop image and the week leading up to it.Hard to imagine that even with Grace and Buster,the house feels empty without that little guy.Need to stop sobbing and get out before another day becomes another night.Thanks for listening!

[labblab]

I am very glad to hear you're heading out into the sunshine with Gracie. I think a walk will do you both some good -- just to get out and physically moving a bit. I totally understand about the paralysis part. It is especially easy for me to get hung up when I am sad or upset. I am one of those people who tend to sit and ruminate over the things that upset me. I can sit in a chair for hours, it seems, and just fret and fret and fret. So even though it is very hard to force myself to get up and get going, I think it does me good even when I'm feeling down.

My Cushpup was our only dog at the time he died, and I remember the struggle I went through. I, too, felt paralyzed. But it was torture for me to sit in the empty house without him beside. So finally I started going out on walks at the park where I used to take him. And even though the tears were streaming down my face with each step, it somehow still helped to get out in the sun and walk where he'd always been so happy.

I think I'm just babbling here :o, but mainly I just want you to know we understand how hard this is.

Sending another big dose of hugs,
Marianne

[Mel-Tia]

I didn't do anything for days other than walk Boyce when I lost my girl, I wanted to but just couldn't move so I get it

Fresh air does help as does a change of scene but it has to be at your pace. I am glad you are starting to push those images away, I know that's tough too.

I made myself watch videos of Tia. I sobbed my heart out but I needed to see her full of life to remind me it was real. I have one of her wagging her tail when she was sleeping so I watched that.


QUOTE=Fellasmom;101629]HI Mel,
I seem to go on/off this blog a thousand times a day and light up whenever I hear from one of you!:).I am sitting here trying to dry my tears and get out in the sunshine with Gracie and take her for a nice walk.I then am going to force myself to go grocery shopping and tackle some of the laundry I have piled up.Grief just paralyzes you.

I am the stubborn determined type which isn't necessarily good sometimes.However,there is a part of me that keeps saying "You are NOT going to let that surgery take away your loving thoughts of Fella"..maybe that's a breakthrough in the right direction,I don't know.But he was so many things to me for so many years,I just have to force my mind off of that postop image and the week leading up to it.Hard to imagine that even with Grace and Buster,the house feels empty without that little guy.Need to stop sobbing and get out before another day becomes another night.Thanks for listening![/QUOTE]

[Fellasmom]

Marianne,
You decribed my feelings exactly!The ocean is just across the street,I can see it from my window.I've been up since 315am and I'm STILL sitting here!Don't know how you did it without another pet in the home!I got Gracie right after losing Kelsey.It was quick and on some level,I was trying to replace Kelsey but I just needed to pour all that love into another Golden.Of course,I had Fella boy too but I think he welcomed the companionship as well.He loved Kelsey so much and even tho he accepted her death and was promoted to "top dog",I think he enjoyed having another pet in the house.

For some reason,I loved having a lil dog and big dog.Collectively,they give me every bit of love and happiness that I could ever hope for.That's why the loss is so great and one that only another pet owner could understand.I just walked Fella down to the park the other day-seems like a lifetime ago-oh no,here comes the thoughts that keep me immobile!I'm making myself get up NOW and go out with Gracie.

Thanks for sharing-I AM getting out NOW!!I look forward to speaking with you all later-thanks again!

[scoora]

I just read your thread. I am so sorry to hear about your sweet boy, Fella. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm not good with words but I want you to know that I am so, so sorry to read about what happened.
Sending you big hugs.

[Squirt's Mom]

My old gal was 15 the end of Feb. and she had a seizure the end of March. Her labs were a mess and she has had a difficult time recouping. I learned that one of the meds I have been giving her could the the cause of many of the things I have been seeing in her over the last several months, including the seizure.

As joyful as it is, as blessed as I am, that Squirt has reached the ripe old age of 15, for me it's been rather like celebrating a beloved parent's 90th birthday - what an achievement and amazing store of memories, yet we know their remaining time is oh so very short. After she got so sick, I just knew I was losing her and there was nothing I could do. Then to learn that I may have caused much of her trouble because I was lax heaped guilt a mile high.

When you talked about your laundry and other household chores, I just snickered. You should see my house - it has reached the point of being hazardous, a hodge-podge gigantic Jenga maze. I have spent my time either curled in a ball sobbing (or fighting not to be), hovering over Squirt, laying in the floor beside her, constantly checking on the others for fear I'll miss something with one of them, or sitting in front of the computer doing very little of import in order to sort of anesthetize myself for a bit. I have kept the dishes washed, the trash taken care of, the yard cleaned, the bathrooms clean, our bedding washed, and the bedroom vacuumed but that's been about it for MONTHS! :eek: Stuff is piled all over the place. :rolleyes:

I realized where I was a little over a week ago and started taking steps to change things like drastically reducing my computer time unless it has real purpose and forcing myself to get outside. I spent a little over four hours wandering around a field and adjoining woods day before yesterday gathering plants which I then brought home and transplanted in the yard yesterday. That was hard - I kept thinking I needed to go back home, Squirt might need something or something might happen but I made myself keep going. By the time I did head home, I had lost track of time and was enjoying myself, some of the tension released. So do whatever you need to help you get through this time, and don't forget to take care of you from time to time.

Hugs
Leslie and the gang

[Doccy]

So sorry to hear about Fella. My prayers are with you both.

[Mel-Tia]

Hey Patty

How you doing? Did you and Gracie get a beach wander?

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxx

[Fellasmom]

Hi
Doccy and Vicki-Thanks so much for your kind loving thoughts for my little Fella.It means so much to me.
Leslie-So sorry you are having difficulties.It so tough to see our babies age.The time goes by so fast and their lives are so short.My Gracie is 7 and it feels like she was just a pup a short time ago!Your baby is so lucky to have you.It's tough to watch them age and you feel so helpless.I'm glad you had a good day for yourself planting.I'm stuck in that rut now.The days have passed and the grief has not gotton any better.I did do some laundry today but that was only because I had no underwear!:).And Mel,yes I did take Gracie out today for 2 long walks.It was too breezy at the beach but we had a good quality day together and she found a tennis ball so she was happy.I don't know what is wrong with me.I am exhausted but the minute I closed my eyes,i thought about that surgery and I actually palpitations and felt like I was having an anxiety attack.I can't even stand being in my own skin-hard to describe.I can't stop torturing myself about that surgery.I try but I just can't get over it.I love him and it just kills me that he died that way.

[Mel-Tia]

Do you guys find balls often? Nice how she found one and it made her happy to have a little play

I am so sorry you are hurting so much, I hate to think of you alone and feeling so horrible. Keep talking to us, hopefully by saying how you are feeling it will help or at least we will exhaust you so you can get a few hours

Mel
Xxxxx

[Simba's Mom]

Hey Patty, still thinking and praying for you....when you have a memory of your precious Fella thats not good, turn it around into a good memory I'm sure you have lots of those....Fella would want you to be happy and remember he is healthy again and running wild after rabbits and other tiny things.....maybe a few balls too:) take care, sending hugs!

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel and Letti
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.Yeah,for whatever reason,I have to forcefully switch my brain off from any thoughts of that surgery.It kills me that I lost him that way.I really can't even process the loss,grief and guilt.I was thinking when I first brought him home.I gave him and Kelsey a treat and he didn't even know what to do with it!No one had given that poor little baby a treat ever!He looked at Kelsey chewing hers and his face said"oh,THATS how you do it!".He was just such a kind loving sweet little boy.I hate that my sweet thoughts of him are always follwed by thoughts of how he died!

Grace enjoyed her walks,still having diarrhea.She does occasionally find tennis balls and they are her absolute favorite,so she was very happy!I'm glad cuz it's tough to see her so sad!Thanks for thinking of me!Hope you are all doing well and had a good day!

[Mel-Tia]

Bless him about the treat, can't imagine why anyone would be mean to the puppies, I can't read anything about things like that cause it breaks my heart

When I lost Tia, I didn't think I would be able to remember her like she was as her pitutary tumour grew which made her lose her characteristics and faculties so it was tough to watch.

Slowly over time I think less about her bad days and more about her good times as she was only really poorly from dec to feb. I still feel terribly sad not sure when that gets better but I wanted to share how it has been for me

It 12:30 here and I have a client meeting tomorrow so I better get some sleep. Hope you can manage a few hours. Will be back in the morning to see how you are before I go. Big hug xx

[molly muffin]

Hi Patty,

So glad you got out for awhile today with Gracie. It may not fix things, but the sunshine and being with Gracie, has to help to remind you that you are still very much needed and loved.
I wish I could just completely erase that vision from your mind of Fella. He was and always will be, so much more and I am sure that is what he would want you to remember about him. A doggy smile, a wag of the tail, Treats! I'm sure once discovered those would always have been a big hit with him. I love seeing his little face on your avatar, such a happy guy. Was he a fan of tennis balls too? Did he and Gracie play together alot? I always felt that Goldens feel and know things. It's just their way. I'm sure that Gracie knows that you are sad and wants to fix it (goldens want to fix everything) and isn't sure what to do to make you happy again. Does Gracie ever sleep in bed with you? My golden was always where I was and since I'd had her since a baby, she still thought she could somehow be a lap dog. :)
Hang in there. This Is still new and grief takes whatever time it takes. It's different for each one of us. I personally seem to adhere to the crawl into bed and not get up except for bathroom, and cry as needed and not interested in talking to anyone. That's where I was after both my Tasha and my Tipsy passed on. I think it's called wallowing in grief. I embraced that sucker and cried till I felt sick and then did it some more.
Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Harley PoMMom]

So, dear Patty, what did you have for dinner? Yes, we will keep asking because we care so much. ;)

Love and hugs,
Lori

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene,
Thanks for such a nice note.I really try to push the surgery images aside-I'm just not ready to deal with them-too traumatic for me.I too wallow in pity.I find it hard to do the everyday things like dress,shower,get out-I could stay in my pajamas all day.Though,as you can tell,I do find talking with other pet lovers a huge source of comfort.
Well,here is what bedtime is like at my house(or was)-Buster,Gracie and Fella all jump up on the bed.Buster and Gracie are the best of friends and start playing and then they eventually settle down and both sleep in Gracie's dog bed.They are actually adorable to watch-a big golden playing with an orange tabby cat:).Fella,in the meantime,wants no part of the "nonsense" and he makes sure he has secured "his" spot next to mommy.And God forbid,if Grace happens to lie there first!He will wedge himself right in and will sit on her if he has to-that is HIS space!They truly made me laugh everynight.I would say goodnight grace,goodnight buster,goodnight fella...goodnight johnboy:)(don't know if your'e old enough to remember the waltons).Fella wasn't much of a player-he was a protector.Always alert and on guard for sounds,etc.Either that or he was curled up against me at all times.Occasionally if it looked like grace was having a great time with the tennis balls or a toy,Fella would go and steal it on her.And being the easy going golden,she let him have it.He was tough and a marshmellow at the same time.So hard to not have those nights anymore!

[Fellasmom]

Lori-I did eat dinner tonight and also had a big fat piece of chocolate cake.Hopefully my starvation depression is not turning into eat everything in sight depression!

I did some thinking today and I think Grace and I need to go somewhere.The days are depressing and long here and the nights longer.I'm on leave from work(I thout I would need the time to care of Fella)and had taken out a loan just in case I needed extra to pay the vet bill.They said they would send it to me so I have no idea what that will be.Anyhow,we need a break,a change of scenery.Its just too depressing here.I was thinking of going up to North Conway NH.Its so beautiful up there,mountains,lakes,hiking trails,cute little shops.There are so many bed/breakfast that allow dogs.I really was thinking of just saying the hell with everything and going up there for a few days for some"mommy and grace healing time".I think it would do us both some good.New smells,sights.I just feel bad about leaving Buster.Just a thought I had tonight.

[molly muffin]

Hi Patty,
That is so adorable about Gracie and Buster. My golden was named Tasha and Tipsy, my cat, was her sidekick too. Those two grew up together and they passed within months of each other. It was super hard year. Our Molly was a rescue that I got about a year later. It took that long to want to allow another baby into my heart and home.

Fella, what a character. He knew where he wanted to be and nothing was getting in the way. I can just see him crawling all over Gracie to have His spot. Bedtime was a pretty fun time I bet. The whole clan had to be settled. I can see it taking some time and much laughter to actually get to sleep. :)

Yes! Absolutely, good night Elizabeth, goodnight Ben. I remember the Waltons. :) ooops, did I just age myself :eek::eek:

LOL I just was remembering grandpa and the sisters. He'd nip over for a "nip" and grandma would be all up in arms about it. I have no idea why that imagine of grandma walton going after him just popped in my head, but here I sit, laughing about it.

um, I believe Lori has a question on the floor about dinner tonight??? Did you have any? What was it?

We did (have dinner that is) pasta, with garlic, oilive oil and romano cheese. You don't get much simpler than that. After working all day, cooking is Not my thing. :)

Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[molly muffin]

Oops, I see you did post while I was posting. Yum, chocolate cake.
hmm, can you take Buster too? I traveled with both my golden and my cat quite a bit. Just load them both into the jeep and go. :)
That sounds like a grand idea to get away and just have some mommy/gracie time of bonding. It sound beautiful there.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Mel,
So sorry-just read your note about your sweet Tia.I did the same with Kelsey when she died.I kept focusing on that last month of her life when she was sick.I had to really try hard to remind myself that I had 10 years of wonderful memories to focus on not just the one month of sickness.I haven't been able to do that yet however.I loved reading your loving messages to Tia!So beautiful and had me in tears when you asked her to find Fella!!It's been very recent for you as well.I could still cry at times thinking about Kelsey and its been 7 years!We are so lucky to have experienced that kind of love,short as it is.Good luck in work tomorrow!

[jmac]

Hi Patty,

Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of you. So glad to hear you're eating and "talking" on the forum. You have the most wonderful people in the world here and I see they are taking excellent care of you.

Sending lots of hugs,
Julie & Hannah

[Simba's Mom]

Hey Sharlene, I would think that would be a great idea to get away, sounds like good medicine for you! Maybe Fella will come visit you when your ready in the form of a butterfly or something that reminds you of him....I truly believe that when we are at peace our loved ones come around and we can feel their presence....You're a great Mom and you love all of your furbabies, but nows the time to take care of you too..sending hugs
PS Give yourself time to grieve, everyone does it differently....take care

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene
Oh,that must have been so hard losing the both of them!!Although,I can't believe you held out for a year as that's a long time when you love them as much as we do!The house is so empty without them!I guess the trauma of Fella's death has me worried about theirs as well.I was quickly doing a calculation today and thought that Buster is 10 and Gracie is 7,so I will prob lose them both at same time-I never used to think of these things,think it's a bit of PTSD from Fella.So glad you found Molly who is adorable!

My gf moved to St John USVI and works full time at an animal shelter.She spends all day with the dogs,hikes to the beach,goes swimming with them-what a life,huh?

[Fellasmom]

Julie and Letti-thanks for thinking of Fella and I,it means alot and yes,the people here are so wonderful!I've never experienced anything like this!I love them all-they(you)are so kind!And I do hope I see a sign from Fella-I need to know that he understood that the reason I decided to do the surgery is that I loved him!!!(THATS the part I cannot get past-"I loved you so much that I chose surgery for you and as a result,you died")Still gets me every time I think about it!

[molly muffin]

Oh Nice! I would love that, a shelter. Although my problem would be wanting to adopt every single dog that came through. :)
Well, I think it was traumatizing to me to lose them both and that is why it took awhile for me to be ready for another. I got Tipsy when I lived in Hawaii, from an unwanted litter. Picked him up, he pooped on me and that was it, he was mine. I brought him back to the mainland and got Tasha when she was a baby too. The one who followed me all around and I figured might as well take her home too. After that they were just together always, and went everywhere with me. We traveled all across North American in my jeep, from one side to another. :)
Molly was only a year old when she came to me, and now she is 10. I cannot imagine life without her and she is our only furbaby and the love of our lives now.
I don't like to think about how much time is left, only of how great we are together, now. You are in trauma mode, so that is probably natural to worry about though. Just don't spend too much time worrying about that and miss out on something potentially great that is today. :)

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Mel-Tia]

Morning

Thinking of you both. Hope you got a few hours rest. Will be out for most of the day but will be back to check on you later

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty

I kinda hope you are not on here tonight as that will mean you are sleeping when you are supposed to be!!! But if you do get up I will be here another couple of hours probably.

Did you speak to the pet communicator today? Be interesting to hear what they have to say.

So so pleased you got out and about with Gracie today, sounds like she had fun. Wondering if her upset tummy is due to all the trauma of the last few days. They are so perceptive these babies of ours they pick up on everything and I bet she is missing her little buddy, so pleased she has Buster to snuggle up with though. I have lost my two cats Simba and Nala both in the past 18months, they were a brother and sister and reached 17 years of age. Flynny did not seem to hardly skip a beat with their passing, insenstive boy!

I like the sound of a few days away somewhere nice, a change of scene may be just what you guys need.

YAY for the choccy cake, wish I had some about now!

[Fellasmom]

Good Morning
I feel like such a downer always saying the same thing...I woke up and just started sobbing for Fella.It's so much more than just missing him.I keep desperately trying to find out how this could have happnd.I read online something about when a thrombus can be pulled thru the same vein that Fella's was,its usually just viewed as a simple adrenalectomy.I was thinking maybe it was because he had anesthesia 2 days in a row.But they said the anesthesia for CT is very light and only for about 20minutes but maybe I should have rescheduled the surgery for a few days later.Don't even mind me,my mind just can't process what has happened to him!
I
I fell asleep wrapped in the blanket on the couch which still smells just like Fella.I woke up in tears but it made me smile to see Grace and Buster curled up together on the loveseat.I also woke up to a horrid smell...uggh..poor Grace had diarrhea last night and prob couldn't wake me.Last night wasn't a good night.I just ended a 3 yr relationship a few months ago and that was really hard.He turned out to be not such a nice person but seems I was the last to know!The constant love and companionship of my babies helped me get thru it.I picture his little face and I can't believe he died that way.

I have a phone consultation with the animal communicator tomorrow at 10am.I am very curious what she will say.It made me smile when I read about Sharlene's golden and cat!What an adventure they had going all over the country in a jeep..and yes,the poop would have did it for me too!:).And Trish,how sad to lose both your cats in such a short space of time as well!That must of been so very hard!Fella was the same way as Flynny though when Kelsey died.He loved her but just accepted her death.He watched her all the time when she was sick.He kind of stayed in the background when she was sick and the day after she passed,he just looked at me,snuggled against me and never left my side since that day.

[Trish]

Oh good, let us know how that phone call goes won't you. Sorry you woke up sad, hard to get a good nights sleep on the couch though. Are you going to try your bed again soon? Or too many memories there? Make Grace and Buster sleep with you up on the bed to change things up! Mind you Flynny likes his own bed, I try take him to bed to snuggle, but nope he hops down into his own which is on the floor right beside mine. He used to get in my bed if it was cold, but now I keep the heat pump on all night so he keeps warm, shame about the electricity bill!! I am off to bed soon, was tired this morning so intend to be in bed before midnight tonight! So will see you tomorrow hopefully, night xx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Trish,
Nice to hear from you,hope you have a good sleep and hopefully speak with you tonight.It sounds silly,but I just can't go in my bedroom.Upstairs only consists of a loft like bedroom.Fella's fur is still on my sheets,I am greeted by a large pic of Fella and Grace as a pup at the top of the stairs.Grace's bed is beside me on the floor and that is where she and Buster end up.I fell asleep everynight with my hand on Fella's hind leg.The second I would open my eyes in the morning,he would sense I was awake,and the little guy,as tired as he might have been,would wake up and follow me down as I prepared the coffee.I can't seem to even go upstairs.I think I will fall apart.I was looking for reading glasses last night and realized they were up there and just couldn't make it up the stairs.Oh,here comes the sobbing again.Just can't believe what has happened to him.Thanks for listening and sweet dreams!

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Patty,

I'm so glad you got some sleep last night even if you did sleep through a potty break need. :) Rest will do your body and mind a world of good. Now, have you eaten? You don't have to sit down to a full meal but do nibble along during the day if that is the best you can manage. Grief needs fuel and you need to grieve. ;)

Sweetheart, we share the stories of our own losses so you will know you are not alone, that what you are feeling and thinking is not strange but in fact is normal, in the hopes that you will see this is something you will survive and even come out the other side stronger, more compassionate and understanding than you can believe is possible right now. One day, you will be able to face going up those stairs. But if you can't right now, that is ok, just fine. They aren't going anywhere and will be there when you are ready. Take baby steps, doing only what you can for this one minute. There are no rules or time limits on grief.

I so hope the communicator is able to offer you some peace.
Many hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Leslie
Today is a really bad day,not sure why.Maybe its the weather,dark,gloomy and rainy.I do pick here and there but just seem to have no real interest in anything for long.As the days go on,I'm feel furthur away from him and that makes me sad.I hope one day I can somehow sort out my feelings about the surgery and work through it.I just want to see his face and smile instead of feeling shocked and horrified for him.Gracie's diarrhea has stopped thankfully but she needs alot of attention right now.

I've been keeping myself distracted today looking up weekend getaways for the two of us.Since it will be paid for by some of the loan I had taken out for Fella,I'd like to think it is a gift from him to us.I do plan on mtg the homeopath doc when I'm up there as it's in the same area I was just at with Fella last week.She is very compassionate and spiritual as well as being a vet,and may be able to shed some light.Gee,she might even be able to prescribe some herbs for me me to stop crying,start eating,etc..:).

I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories.I do know that time heals all wounds but you don't feel that way when you're in the midst of it.This board has honestly done more for me than words can ever describe and I thank you for that.You all have your own special way of showing love.And just when you think you're the only one awake,up pops Mel and Trish!:)

[doxiesrock912]

Gloomy weather does it every time! I get depressed over things that have happened years ago. I can't wait to hear about your phone call tomorrow!!!!

Growing up, we had a Himalayan cat and a mini poodle, both would sit on either side of me if I were upset. It was adorable:)

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh sweety, we will always be here for you, always.

My boy, Harley, has been gone for two years now. Diagnosing him was a nightmare, although he did have almost every Cushing's symptom. Looking back now I realize that I should of started treatment on him sooner but fear kept me from doing that.

That is one of the values I admire in you, YOU did not let fear guide you away from what Fella really needed and that was the surgery.

The one thing that helps me with my guilty conscience is that I know I loved Harley with every fiber of my being, he was my heart and soul dog, that is a fact.

You, my dear, Patty, have no reason for any guilt, YOU did do everything you could to save your sweet Fella. Just like I am sure Harley knows that I love him, Fella knows that you love him.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself because there is no reason for that kind of treatment towards yourself.

With much love and tons of hugs,
Lori

[labblab]

I think there is such a jumble of feelings and thoughts that wracks us when we're grieving. It makes it so hard to see straight or to think straight, because there is no straight anymore. Just a maze of alleys and side roads and detours...

For weeks, I believe I cried almost every day when my boy died. And then the first day that I didn't cry, I remember feeling so guilty because I didn't want him to think that I didn't care anymore or that my heart wasn't still broken. My tears had become my final bond with him. And somehow I felt as though I would be a traitor to him if I broke that bond and stopped crying. I would lose him completely. That probably sounds crazy, but that's how I felt. :o

I almost had to give myself special permission to smile or to have a happy moment or a cheerful memory. But in looking back, I know he would never have wanted that for me or expected that of me. We were so much in tune with one another. He hated to see me cry during our lives together. I think he would have wanted me to stop crying over him sooner than I was able.

But I could not hurry my journey. And in truth, the daily tears did not really end until the day we brought our new puppy Peg home. Just as you guessed earlier, for us, it was just too painful to live in a house without any furbaby at all.

I do believe that the time will come when you are able to picture Fella with a smile and a happy memory. But that moment cannot be rushed. One day, it will come naturally. And it will be as though the sunshine has broken through a cloud, even if only for a moment. And Fella will be so glad when that moment comes.

Marianne

[Mel-Tia]

Hello there

I write to Tia every day as I miss sharing moments with her so it helps me to imagine I am talking to her. I have written a note nearly every day since I lost her, when I think I will stop I can't.

I knew I had to let her go but for you it was so shocking as you were trying to save him and you had never imagined this outcome to be a reality, the time from finding out to doing it was so short, you probably didn't have time to process any of it. So now all you have is time to beat yourself up about what if and maybe. You can't allow yourself to do that as your decisions were made out of love and the best interest of your fella. Like you said, you would never have gone through with it had you known this was a real possibility.

I really hope he comes through tomorrow with the communicator so you can get some peace of mind. I hope he says he can visit anytime and that he has been with you already. I had the weirdest tingling sensation on the tops of my legs the night I lost Tia, I imagined it was her in her usual spot behind me. Might be in my head but I never had it the next day!

Am glad to hear Gracie's belly is better, last thing either of you need right now.

I think a weekend away is a great idea, sometime for you both in different surroundings. Hoping you can get something organised. Like the idea it's little Fellas gift.

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxx

[Fellasmom]

Lori and Marianne,
Thanks for sharing your stories.It's so difficult because their lives are so short and they aren't able to tell us what's wrong.We have to rely on our own intuition and our bond with them to tell us what's wrong.And more times than not,we still feel guilty that we didn't do enough or second guess our decisions.You have no idea how many times I wish I never even had the US done!To have just been blissfully ignorant as his symptoms were so mild,instead of rushing around in a panic about the thrombus and having surgery all within a week's time!But of course,if I hadn't had the surgery and he had become sick in a few months as they had predicted,I really would have felt that I did not do the right thing by him and could never justify that in my heart.

I know what you mean about crying.I actually stopped and laughed with Gracie today and when I realized I was happy for a moment-well,my thought was "how can you even be laughing right now when Fella is gone?".We do tend to get "stuck".I think maybe I will need to talk to the doc/surgeon sooner rather than later.I think if I can work thru my guilt/feelings of him being betrayed/dying without me/what the heck happened with that surgery....I can get to the other side.The side where I can look at his pictures and feel the love,and remember all the loving memories I have of him.And to be grateful to have had him for 10 1/2 years.Thats a LONG time and alot longer than some have.I just need to GET there.I'm hoping the communicator helps tomorrow.

I did the same after Kelsey died.I got Gracie soon after.It does help tremendously.And while it might not be for everyone,I really do feel it helps to pour all that extra love into another.I do think they would want that for us.Not good with words but I really look at it like it's a perpetual love that grows from them and we carry that love on and pass it on to another.The love I feel for Grace began with Kelsey's love.

[labblab]

I did the same after Kelsey died.I got Gracie soon after.It does help tremendously.And while it might not be for everyone,I really do feel it helps to pour all that extra love into another.I do think they would want that for us.Not good with words but I really look at it like it's a perpetual love that grows from them and we carry that love on and pass it on to another.The love I feel for Grace began with Kelsey's love.
Oh Patty, I think that is beautiful and absolutely true!!!!!!!!!

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
Your notes to Tia were so beautiful!I wrote a little something to Fella but I hope that one day I will feel ready for that part.And you're right about the shock and unexpectedness of his death.If the surgery had provided me with a 40-50%success,I'm not sure I would have gone ahead with it.I would have been very hesitant and if so,I would have been very fearful he wouldn't make it through.THIS was just such a win-win,it NEVER occurred to me that I would lose him!At the worst,I thought he may get pancreatitis or possibly wound infection.Death wasn't even part of the equation!!It has sent such a shock to my system that there is a huge part of me that STILL cannot accept it.Kelsey's illness came on suddenly as well.One day she woke up and just started pacing all around the house.One month later she died from presumed brain cancer.I was shocked then but I had come to realize in that month that I may lose her.THIS is something that my brain just can't process,keep asking WHY???Thanks for being there.

[Mel-Tia]

I am glad I can be there. Keep talking as long as you need too xx

I haven't been into do my note to T yet, so I haven't seen yours. It has helped me get some of it out by writing those

Did you find a place to go away?

[Fellasmom]

Well,I've been looking on and off throughout the day and many are sold out but it's provided a good distraction.I will find a place as there are many inns up that way but they each only have a few designated dog rooms.One I loved had an ad of a golden with a towel wrapped around its head with lemons covering its eyes-apparently they have a spa day for the dogs as well!:).They all sound beautiful and although I have no energy to move off the couch,I feel it will be a good thing for Grace and I,and will provide some peaceful bonding time together.I think Grace is feeling a little better.She still looks sad but diarrhea has stopped and she has decided to curl up beside me in Fella's spot.It's those kinds of things that make you love them even more..they just KNOW what you need.Think it's late your time Mel-sweet dreams and thanks for being here.

[Trish]

Howdy Patty! Hope your snoozing away peacefully on your couch! Time will come when you can face the bedroom again, don't rush it :)

One of my work colleagues has had such a bad year with deaths in her family, first her Dad died, not unexpectedly and he was in his 90s. She lived with her identical twin sister, they were early 50s. Her twin also worked with us. The twin started feeling run down and picking up little bugs that did not go away, she put it down to grieving for her father. We finally persuaded her to to see her GP and we were all stunned when she was diagnosed with leukemia and died 3 months later herself. So sad as she was one of best friends.

She went to live with her Mum who was also poorly and elderly at 94, she passed away just before Christmas. So my poor friend had lost her 3 closest family members in just a year.

The twins used to own a border terrier they were devoted too, he had died a couple of years prior and they were so sad after battling diabetes, gall bladder tumour and his poor health for a year or two before he passed. They had him cremated and he was buried with her twin. Gawd it nearly killed me.

Anyway, I am telling you this tale of woe because just this week she got a new puppy!! Cooper is his name and I think he is a cross between shitzu (?sp) and a silkie terrier. SOoooooo cute, I get to meet him on the weekend. But she was sending me pics last night to show him off and videos!! I spoke to her on the phone last night for an hour and she sounds a different person. A lightness to her voice that I have not heard in like forever. She said she had to leave it a few months as she felt so bad that anything she loved.... died. So she did not trust herself to get a new pet. But she saw this wee pup, fell in instant love and HAD to have him. So from that I have learnt, you will know when the time if right for you and how your heart has to get to the right place to let a new little love fit right in there!

I am going to have such a good sleep tonight and tomorrow is day off so get a sleep in too! YAY. Be here another couple of hours, so if you are up come in and say hi! xx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Trish!
What a sad story about your friend!Very similar to my sister in law who lost her mom,dad and brother,all within 18months.I don't know how she made it through.So glad she got a puppy!!!!I had posted earlier that for me,getting Grace soon after losing Kelsey was probably the best decision I made and was what really began to heal my heart.I poured all my love for Kelsey into Grace.The love that I have for Grace,began with my love for Kelsey.And to this day,I do feel a part of Kelsey's love radiating from Grace.Dont get me wrong,I love Grace for Grace and she is quite the character and nothing like Kelsey.But I do feel that I took all that unconditional love Kelsey showed me and gave it to another and by doing so,honored her memory and kept "all that love" alive.

Today was the first morning I didn't wake up sobbing.It's starting to sink in that he is gone,the shock beginning to lessen.Still tramautized by that surgery but have a little more room in my mind to think about him and how much I loved him.The communicator will call today at 1030am.

I read one of your posts last night.I feel awful that here you are,giving me so much support and your worried about Flynny!How common is it that another tumor would grow?I hope and pray that is not the case!!!That's just awful to have to worry about that!!Do all tumors need to be removed or are some just monitored?That poor boy has been through enough!

[addy]

Stopping by to give you hugs and I hope there was a beautiful sunrise over the ocean this morning.

Give Gracie big bugs and kisses on the head for me. I know it is hard to move when we are grief stricken. I do think walks with Gracie will help you both so I am here to remind you to get a bit of a walk in today, mother hens clucking, ya know?

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

[molly muffin]

Grief is fluid, it changes constantly. What we feel and how we react to it. That all seems to be constantly in a state of fluctuations. I'm glad that you woke up to a morning that has possibilities.
Remember, do one thing today at least that makes you smile. :)
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Thank you!!!I will be calling animal communicator in 5 minutes.I hope she tells me SOMETHING good!.Although my heart is not in it,I just reserved a room for Grace and I at an Inn.It has a comfy queen bed,a kitchenette,jacuzzi tub and wood fireplace.The inn has a common room with books and games,a fireplace and an outdoor heated jacuzzi.You are able to step outside your door and walk mountain trails.It offers treats for the dogs and a hearty country breakfast each morning.I hope we both find some sort of peace for those few days even if short lived.Thanks for everything and I will speak with you after I hear from the communicator.Have a wonderful day!

[Mel-Tia]

Am lurking while working ;)

Hope it goes well

Glad to hear you got somewhere, sounds beautiful

Mel
Xxxx

[molly muffin]

We'll be waiting to hear what the communicator has to say!!
Good, I hope a little escape does you and Gracie both a world of good. Mountain trails, that is like doggie happy zones. :) Jacuzzi is people happy zone!! hahahaha
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Mel-Tia]

Are you still talking? You ok?

[Fellasmom]

Trying to think how I can sum everything up that she told me.I'm a bit of a skeptic although I've gone to a few "fortune tellers" in my day.She asked me to tell her some basic info about Fella and also what I was having the most problems with.I told her briefly what happened to Fella,my regrets and told her how I was assaulted by sad feelings about him that seemed to come out of nowhere,before any symptoms had appeared.I didn't really tell her much about his personality,just some general facts like age and color and I did leave out some details,such as that on our way to Tufts while driving,all my change flew out of my purse and landed all over my car.All except a penny which flipped up in the air and landed in front of us and I told him that was our "lucky penny".I clutched that penny and prayed after his surgery,I held it the whole drive up to tufts and begged him to keep going, and then I put it in my pocket the night he died.It is now in his dog dish,along with a treat and his bandana.She told me"Fella is telling you to flip the coin"!-he is telling you that your sadness is blocking him and he is RIGHT HERE.She kept saying his body was about to let go,it was broken,he knew for a while that he wasn't going to make it.She said he tried very hard to show you that he wasn't going to make it, and although he didn't want to go,he keeps hollering at me "tell her,tell her that she GOT it.That I was able to convey my sickness to her and she KNEW,she was THERE with me.She said he did not want me there to see him suffer,that his unwillingness to go that morning was his way of saying "we're at the end".He sailed thru that surgery to make me happy because he knew I had hope.She said he was the "my way"kind of guy(which he was) and she said during the surgery he crossed over and was there for a long time and decided he was going to leave,didn't matter what vet said,etc...his body wasn't working anymore.She said that postop,even when the doctors said he looked "better",he lifted up his head and looked at you,and deep inside you KNEW he said goodbye-you knew it was over.He just keeps saying "you heard me".She kept saying it would have been awful at home,she said I would not have made it to the vet in time,that it would have occurred in much less time than 2 months.Told me Fella decided to go quickly,that he waited until I arrived at the building so I'd be there but not see him,he didn't want pity.She said he was hollering at me to "get this thru your head" and then laughed and commented that he was a spunky little one.(which he was!)He was hollering that he is like my "right arm"(he slept and layed to my right all the time)and I'm missing who he was to me by blocking him.To take out his picture,close my eyes and take deep breaths,because he is RIGHT THERE.He did not want me to see how hard it would have been for him at home,this was the easiest and he said that everyone there knew what he needed and he had loving energy around him.She kept saying over and over that he never would have lasted even 2 months.That he was done and he knew it.She kept saying that because we were so deeply bonded,he tried desperately to SHOW me this was the end-staring at me in the car,reaching over and sitting in my lap while driving which was unusual,waking up to him downstairs the last 2 nights of his life,his reluctance to go to surgery that day,his struggle to lift up his head postop to look at me-Fella says that he knew you had hope but you GOT it,she kept saying that,that he was happy because I "heard" him,that I was "there" with him and that I GOT it.

Idk,what do ya think of that?The reference to the coin lifted my heart.I kept thinking he was saying goodbye but thought it was just my negativity getting in the way.She DID brighten me up a bit.

[gunthersmom]

I hope it made you feel better to get the messages from Fella. I'm a big believer in psychics and communicators and as long as they tell you stuff that there is no way that they could know I would take them as credible. And it seems like she hit on a lot of stuff that she wouldn't have know unless she was talking to him.

Hope this helps you start to heal.

Hugs
Angela and Gunther

[Mel-Tia]

Wow that's a lot to take in. I am glad it made you feel better. Especially as she confirmed some things she couldn't know

I am hoping you are out wandering with Gracie or having a well deserved nap. I bet all of this blew your mind too

Speak soon, big hug

Mel
Xxxxx

[Trish]

Wow that Fella is a chatty little guy!! Hope that gives you some peace Patty.

So pleased you are heading away for the weekend, if I was there I would come too and bring Flynn. Sounds a lovely part of the world, nice and relaxing and just what you need! xx

[molly muffin]

Hi Patti,

I've never used a communicator but others on here have and with good results I think. Peace at least. It doesn't hurt any to have what could be some answers from your Fella. The coin flip was a definite sign I think.
I wish you peace and a calm heart.
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[doxiesrock912]

Pets are amazing and they know and sense more deeply than we can. If you recognized anything that she said as being truthful and it sounds like you do, then I would believe it all.
Fella would not want you to beat yourself up and he knows that you fought hard with him. He loves you at least as much as you love him!

Let him cross the bridge so that you can heal and share your love with others.

Hugs and wishing for peaceful thoughts!

[Fellasmom]

Hi!
It's crazy but I feel like a new person right now.I had a really good day.It's beautiful and sunny and I just got back from the beach with Grace.I think she is feeling the positive energy as well.We played ball,she ran in the water despite my screaming "NO!!!!don't go in the water!!!!:).Because I knew that she would then take her wet body and roll in the sand!!Now she is one dirty happy dog!

I have mixed feelings about the communicator.Part of what she did was console me,which you all have done a fantastic job since the beginning!But I think that today for the first time,the shock of his death has lessened and I'm able to absorb more.The "flipping of the coin" tugged at my heart.But I think when she kept repeating that he was telling me and I GOT it-well,that really hit home with me.His behavior was so different and my gut had me terrified,felt like he was saying goodbye.I couldn't shake that feeling.I read Trish's Flynny's story the night before and how frightened but how positive she was.And all I felt was dread.I couldn't understand it and I WAS shocked when he died and I took all his cues and misinterpreted them and blamed myself.It was only when she pointed out to me that those were the ways he WAS saying goodbye,that I was able to look at it in a whole new context.I did GET it,I just didn't realize it at the time or it scared me too much.When I look at it now,in a new way,I see how hard he tried to SHOW me he was saying goodbye,and it makes me love him even more,my little guy.It warms my heart that I WAS able to say goodbye when he lifted his head.

I am still absolutely devastated but it made room for me to begin to remember the beginning and not dwell on the end so much.And finding all of you,I do believe,was his final gift to me.He knew I would never be able to do this alone.You are all here day and night and I have never felt alone for one moment because of all of you!:)

[addy]

and we will always be here for you and we will remember and love and honor Fella.

I hope you find more peace and I do believe the story.

Biggest hugs to you and Grace

[doxiesrock912]

So wonderful that you're feeling better about everything!!!!!

[Trish]

Cool, cool, cool!! It does you good to listen to anothers perspective of it all!

So pleased Grace went swimming and sand rolling!! Haha even though it means a shower. I wish my beach was sandy, but it is a typical wild NZ beach with loads of pebbles on it. It is not a safe swimming beach either, the most I will do is a paddle on a calm day and Flynny will not even put his paws in! But we will be up there this afternoon and he loves fossicking in the all the driftwood and seaweed. He better not roll in anything stinky after just having had a shower this morning! I am not always positive Patty, I can feel demons nipping at our feet now with a few thing cropping up. I always second guess everything!! I just try and convince myself it will all work out well and thats what I try do with the pups on here which is why it comes as such a shock to hear about Fella and now Fraser has hit a speed bump too... :mad:It sucks!

[Fellasmom]

Thanks guys for all your positive thoughts and understanding!Trish-I'm not used to seeing you post this late-you're usually my early morning "lifeline"!Enjoy your holiday tomorrow!I've only really just begun to read your stories.With all the trauma of losing Fella,I couldn't think straight.It's only now that I'm able to look up your photos of your babies and read your stories.I can relate to each and everyone of you,as we all share that unconditional love for our babies-while the rest of the world thinks we're nuts!:).They don't know what they're missing!I hope and pray that your little Flynny is okay.It sounds like he and you have been thru enough!!And I will read about Fraser in a bit.Thanks again for being there.

Question??-Since I don't have a dog with Cushings and obviously can't give any advice where that is concerned-do I still post here?I just started posting notes to Fella "In memory of" section?.I love talking with all of you and hearing about your babies.And one day,I hope to give back the support that you have all given me.You all have been with me during my darkest moments and I don't want to lose you!

[frijole]

:D Once you post here you can never leave :D

Once a cush dog mom always a cush dog mom. If not I'd be long gone. Heck I don't even have a dog right now. :o:(:o Kim

[Simba's Mom]

Yes please stay, you gals have so much experience to share with the rest of us still deep in this journey, so yes once you post your'e stuck here!!!:) Thanku for sharing your stories and please continue to do so, it helps us so much!! And getting your thought and stuff out will help you too!!

[Fellasmom]

Kim
That was funny!I'm all ready to dig my heels in and scream "I don't want to go!!!"I love all of you and even get bummed out if I oversleep and miss Trish in the morning!Like all of you,she always manages to put a smile on my face.I want to "sign up" for life:).Plus I noticed I was "upgraded" to senior member.:D.Must be based on the number of loving support you have given to Fella and I.Truly blessed to have all of you!

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Letti!
I just started posting on others who are suffering with their babies illness.Just wanted to give back some of the love and support I have been given this past week.Love it here!!

[Trish]

Haha I will let you in on a little secret. Flynn does not have cushings either... never has done!

Early in our journey it was one of the things the vets were considering and he was tested for it but they were negative. So I started googling and found this website and have never left! Like you, they will have to throw me out kicking and screaming :D:D But they won't, they are too lovely to say a bad word to anyone! I really do not know a whole lot about cushings so leave those posts to the experts here, but I do have adrenal tumour experience so that is my little niche!

You do not see me as I am usually at work at this time of day, 2.48pm. But today is a holiday so I am thick in the chores that have not been done for two weeks with me being away then all the drama with Mum. Flynn is outside mouse hunting, I keep going to check on him but he seems quite happy trampling my gardens on his search and I don't have the heart to tell him to get off.... I tell ya, I am creating a monster. All the things I used to tell him off for I know let slide!

We went to the vets to pick up meds, then to the supermarket but stupidly I forgot they were closed till 1pm because of the holiday so have to go back again later. So I went to Mum and Dad's checked on them and all good there! Once this next load of washing is done I will head up the beach for a walk with the boy, I hate it now that it is getting dark by 6pm, still a lovely warm day here, though few nasty black clouds lurking... bugger off rain at least till after my washing is dry and the walk is done!!

[molly muffin]

Oh goodness no, you can't leave!
I'm super thrilled that you had a good day today and that Gracie was a messy doggie even, so maybe she is feeling better too. :)
Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Hello Trish and Sharlene!
Yes,I am glad that we both had a good day too.The beach is only across the street so we are lucky.Dogs are only allowed on the beach till mid June so we try to get out as often as we can once the weather starts getting nice.Among many other gross dirty habits that my Grace has,she loves rolling in mud.My mother always shakes her head,laughs and says"there is very little GRACEful about her"!She really should have been a boy-she is so beautiful but yet when I lean down to kiss her,she'll let out a big burp!:eek:.So hard to get used to not having Fella here.I find myself saying "ok guys,lets go out".Letting go of the guilt and blame was HUGE for me.I miss that little guy so much,all day really but especially at night when we would snuggle.He would almost purr like a kitten-he loved to be loved.

Well,its off to bed or should I say couch for me.I do hope after this wknd,we feel rejuvenated enough to try going upstairs to bed.Have a wonderful holiday Trish and goodnight to both you and Sharlene

I love the "upgrade" to senior member:).You're stuck with me know!!:)


Trish,too bad its getting darker earlier as it's just the opposite here.I love the extra hours of daylight.Sounds like Flynny is having a blast and becoming more spoiled by the day-tho it doesn't take much-they do know how to get what they want from us!

[Harley PoMMom]

They are all correct, once you post here you are family and you simply can not leave us. :D

I wanted to Thank you for sharing what the communicator told you. I read every word with tears streaming down my face. The coin really got to me, and Fella sure is a sweet boy.

Many loving hugs are being sent to you, Lori

[Skye]

teary.......reading all this.....teary with smiles, and heart ache for you. Hanging on every word that is typed.
Oh goodness no you can never leave!!!!!! I was worried I would be asked or told to leave and was so happy when i was told i could stay. I can not even begin to express how much these angels mean to me.....their words of comfort and strength, the abundance of knowledge, they are amazing. You have experienced something and share an intense beautiful bond with your baby that will help and comfort another giving strength, encouragement, and knowledge. its amazing how even a simple post of hey popping by saying hello can brighten a persons day. Your journey with Fella has been amazing, it has had me right there with you smiling, sobbing, snotting, screaming, you name it. My husband even asks about the angels and has asked about you and fella. He starts to expect the updates and to know what is happening. Then he even spreads the word of things to others who also have furbabies....so you see.........the ripple effect.........
Shysie doesnt have cushings either. We had the adrenal tumor we have encounter some issues along the way afterwards 2 indolent eye ulcers, lip mass removal and lymphnode removal, pancreaititis attack that almost took her, and now stage 1 chronic kidney disease and were hoping to hold it there. but have learned a great deal about cushings have taken countless notes and printed out information from helpful links and not just limiting to cushings as there is an abundent of experiences and knowledge here. Sending you hugs smiles and yes still tears. Glad you felt some positive energy today, you need that, let your beauty shine.......shine shine....Fella would want that and never want anything to stop that from happening.

[Mel-Tia]

Morning

Just checking in to see how you are?

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxx

[labblab]

Patty, I just read a sweet reply you posted elsewhere in support of another member and furbaby, and I know Fella is so proud of you!! This is one more special way in which you are freeing his love to flow in a huge unbroken circle. The single most important thing that any one of us has to offer here is our caring and our concern. And for sure, you are most definitely a "Senior Member" in that department! Thank you already for all the help I know you will be offering. And you will be honoring Fella's sweet spirit with every word you write. You will be sending his love onward every single day.

Marianne

[Fellasmom]

Good morning
Love hearing from all of you!He is telling you to "flip the coin"-that got me too!That little penny I told him was our lucky one,I cried with it,slept with it and put it in his dish!

So how come yesterday I felt so wonderful and today my first thought was Fella and my second thought was that I wanted to rip the face off of the vet?:eek:.

And Stormee,I feel the same about being here.I've told all my friends and when I now have a question they say"you should ask the ladies":).Between all the time zones,love and support and friendship is available 24hrs a day!!And to think,the love of our babies,brought us all here.I truly feel that was a gift from Fella and I'm so grateful.

With Shysie and all of our dogs,the suffering and pain they endure is so heartbreaking and so unfair.When I lost Kelsey,I bought 2 books.One was "Amazing Grace" which is how I named my golden and was a cute,funny true story.The other was a book by a vet Martin Goldstein who has a practice in New York.It was an excellent book and he started his integrated practice because he became astounded at the number of pets he was seeing with cancer and diseases.Great chapter on the the food we feed our babies.And he does alot of homeopathic meds,different labs values for dogs with cancer.They even do phone consultatons but of course,they are very expensive!

Which brings me to the expense.It becomes so overwhelming.I was sooooo lucky that I was able to get a loan.I fig I spent about 3000 preop workup,put a 4000 deposit on the surgery(credit card)and took out a 10,000 loan.Not sure what the bill is,but they estimated without complicatons,it would be 4-6,000.I don't normally have access to that kind of money.Point is,it makes me sick that in addition to worrying about our babies,the financial fear is just awful!I'm already praying that nothing happens to Grace.I often wonder WHERE all the donations to these big vet hospitals go to?I've never heard of anyone tapping in to this resource but yet people donate all the time.

And you want to know how much I love you guys?All times are rough being without Fella,but middle of night,early morning was just unbearable!First couple of days I'd wake up at 330am sobbing!Well,there's Trish and then comes Mel.:).After a couple of days,you'll laugh,but I thought "I need to set my alarm to make sure I don't miss them!":).Then the sun came up and all of you started "checking in" and expressed your love for Fella.No words to express how grateful I am for all of you!!!

[Mel-Tia]

I had a few violent thoughts before and after about my vet so I think that's normal too

I am hoping they won't charge you as much because of the outcome but that is probably a very naive stance from me.

I float around most days as I work from home and I can check in on my iPad :D

Is the sun shining your way this morning? Hows Gracie doing?

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
No,it's kind of overcast today but we are supposed to be in store for wonderful weather the next couple of days.Grace found another ball yesterday.Maybe Fella sent it to make her happy.

Thank God I have the money so I'm not worried about the bill this time.But I've been there so many times,when you're hearing more tests that are needed,and you're mentally calculating the expense,how you are going to afford it,etc...such an awful feeling.

Glad you are able to work from home.I would NEVER get anything done!:D.Love that you "check in":).I'm looking forward to going away tomorrow with Grace.They have all these quaint little shops up there and they have a puzzle store.I used to love puzzles!They make personalized ones for about 15.I'm going to give them a pic of Fella and have one made.It's just a cute little gift I'll have and it will keep me busy when the nights seem so long!

[Mel-Tia]

I thought he sent her the ball the first time but didn't mention it, that's why I asked if she usually finds them! More convinced it was him if she found one again so soon!

I know, money should never have to be the decider but it can be because everything's so expensive and you can't not pay your rent, you think there would be a way they could make it cheaper if it was life saving...

Glad you are looking forward to going away, I think it will do you both good, love the idea about the puzzle

What time you setting off, does it have Internet access or will you be incognito for the weekend?

Mel
Xxxxx

[Squirt's Mom]

Yeah, I think violent thoughts are pretty common when we are grieving so deeply. When my Pitty mix was hit by a car and died as a result, I wanted to chase that person down and rip their face off. They didn't even slow down to see if Crys was ok...just kept on flying down the road. Yet as mad as I was at that driver, I still blamed myself for what happened...and often still do.

Like others, I sat and cried reading what the communicator had to say. I love how Fella used the coin to connect to you. I think I would have that penny made into a necklace so it was always there close to my heart. What a wonderful gift! It seems this communication has helped you find some peace, has allowed your heart to open to joy from your connection with Grace as well as from your memories of life with Fella. Your healing has truly begun.

In my life, I have found that Rose Kennedy stated the absolute truth about pain and time -


It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Rose F. Kennedy

We learn how to live with our pain, with our losses, with our grief. It is a life-long enterprise but in learning how to live with our own pain, we often find an increased ability for empathy with others who are suffering. By reaching out to others here you are demonstrating this ability. As Marianne said, you are spreading Fella's Light to all of us and in so doing, honoring him and us both.

Enjoy your weekend with Grace. It sounds just awesome! I hope you find much there to help your continued healing.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[Fellasmom]

What beautiful notes I recieve from all of you!Leslie,I know that guilt since Kelsey got hit by a car but thankfully lived.However,she lived incontinent as a result.And the woman never even stopped to see that she was okay!Don't know about people-I thought I "bumped" a squirrel one day while driving,and I was sick to my stomach!

Yes,I do have a feeling that finding those balls might have a little something to do with Fella.:).We will be leaving tomorrow morning sometime.I hate remembering tomorrow-it will be a week since I lost him.Feels like a second ago and at the same time feels like a lifetime ago.And yes,I did think"oh,no!How can I go a few days without all of you?":).But,as luck would have it,they announce that they have wireless installed there!I just saw my dog walker on my walk with Gracie.She said her Fella was her husband's "favorite" and he is still very sad.I'm so glad Fella had him in his life.I work 12hr nts so I thought he just came in quickly and walked them and gave them a treat.But,she explained to me that he would come over and stay for a few hours.Fella would sit in his lap and just purr!:).That made me feel good.I'm going to have him come in and check on poor Buster.I hate that he will be here alone but he gets very anxious in the car and I would be so afraid that somehow he would get out.Better to be safe than sorry.

The sun is shining here now.I have yellow tulips I bought on Easter that are just sitting outside.Easter was a great day for us and I took some nice pictures of Fella and Grace.I'm going to put the tulips in the ground today so that every year when they bloom,it will remind me of Fella and how beautiful he was.

[Mel-Tia]

It will be 9 weeks for me tomorrow since I lost Tia and that feeling hasn't changed. I no longer like Fridays I can't help it. My mind starts to wander to the Thursday night which was her last.

So nice to know the dog sitter took time with Fella and how could he not, your chap looked such a little cutie. Better safe than sorry, wouldn't want to lose him or anything. At least the pet sitter will come over

Hope you are out planting those tulips in that sun, I am going to take Boyce out while it's shining here, we are due snow tomorrow. It snowed that Friday I lost her so it makes me feel like she is with me when it does.

Speak to you soon

Mel
Xxxxxx

[Trish]

Good morning! Cold here today so staying in bed as long as I can which is only another 10 mins!! Wish you and Mel would add some photos of Tia and Fella for us to see!! Love tulips too, one of my fave flowers! Cya tonight, have a good day! Xx

[Fellasmom]

Hi
Well the day started out good,now not so good.I hate references to time as well.I hate Thurs and Fridays.I was just thinking that today at this time I was elated!-I called everyone,including the GP vet to tell them that Fella had made it thru the surgery!!I'm thinking that in a few hrs from now,I raced up there to see him and leaned into the crate to touch his head while he lifted his head up to find me.Little did I know then,that it would be my last moment with my baby.I love you Fella!

I did plant the tulips today.Gracie is acting out and I came in to find that she had urinated all over the kitchen!:confused:.I don't want to go thru this night and remember that at midnight they called to inform me that he had gone into resp arrest and later at noon tomorrow,he went into cardiac arrest and then passed.I think I will reread what the communicator told me yesterday in hopes that it will make me feel better.I can't wait for tomorrow to pass.Mel,I guess we have both now have reasons to hate Fridays!

What makes matters worse and is really hurtful,is that besides my mother calling twice,no one from my family even acknowledged his passing.My mother's favorite explanation "well Patty,they are just not dog people"-makes me so angry and hurt.They may not care for dogs but they are supposed to care about me!What kind of people don't like dogs anyhow?This winter was hard with 2 blizzards and Fella wasn't crazy about the cold-I still smell his winter coat and cry.Wish he could have enjoyed this nice weather.

Trish-I am computer illiterate.I'm trying to fig out how I transfer the pics on my cell to the computer.But I will fig it out and post some pics!Hope you're nice and warm!

[doxiesrock912]

If you have a smart phone, it's easiest to email the pictures to your email from the phone and then open and save them from email on the computer :)

[molly muffin]

Good evening. I hope the day got better for you than it was. I do think having highs and lows is normal though. Just as I think that anger is another stage of grief and that somehow it is all part of what we have to go through when we love something or someone so much and lose them. Grief is it's own journey and only by taking that journey instead of denying it, do we come out whole on the other side. I agree with Leslie's quote of Rose Kennedy, it doesn't go away, but it does heal and there is always a trace reminder of that hurt.. Now having said that, the love, the grief, the whole thing is what makes us able to connect with others who have walked that same path and to hopefully hold their hand and give them a hug as their own journey's continue.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Hello there
Valerie-thanks for the tip-I'm going to try that tonight and let u know how I make out-I do have a smart phone.
Sharlene-Grief does come in waves,I agree.One minute you feel okay and the next,you're sobbing!It's then that you don't feel like you've made any progress but when I think back to those first few days,I realize I am healing little by little.I'm sometimes too hard on myself and have to realize that it's only been a precious 6 days since he's been gone.But I am able to look at him now and not feel guilt and shame which is a start.I hope our little getaway to the country and mountain air helps!As always,thanks for your support!

[Fellasmom]

And Leslie,I absolutely love your idea of perhaps making that penny a necklace or maybe I will somehow add it to my charm bracelet.That is a wonderful idea!Thanks!

[Mel-Tia]

Hello

How you doing now?

I know what you mean about people not caring. I have no clue how people can't be dog people. We are the lucky ones they will never know what they are missing!

Big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
You're prob in a deep sleep by now but maybe I'll see ya in the morning!Doing laundry and packing up for the trip tomorrow.I'm trying to email my pics from my smart phone to my computer so I can post some of Fella and Grace.(I'm not having much luck!).I hope that Tia and Fella are on their way to becoming fast friends!:).I don't want tomorrow to come either-we can both hate Fridays together!

[Bo's Mom]

I totally understand your feelings about Fridays. I lost my Angel Bo on a Friday(2/8/13) also and every one that passes is another reminder of a day without him. It is very hard and people have told me the pain will lessen and the good memories will soon be filling in the empty feelings I get. I know that day will come.
Have a good time on your trip and keep updating us.

[Simba's Mom]

Hoping the weekend goes fast for you and that you stay busy, goodness my heart still hurts for you!!! Dislike those bad memories:(

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Belinda and Letti!
So sorry to hear you've lost your baby so recently as well Belinda.It's so hard!We know from the beginning that one day we will lose them,but we are never ready for that day to come!I too hope that one day my sadness fades and my heart isn't so heavy.And thanks Letti for having us in your hearts,that means so much that my Fella is loved by so many!:)

So many babies sick!My friend who lives in St John who I mentioned in posts about a week back just found out today that her Rottweiler has lymphoma and will most likely have 1 month or less!I was so saddened for her as she has been so good to me and now she is faced with the same heartbreak!Its so unfair-their lives are so short but WHAT love they give in those short years!!!

Gracie is snoozing,getting ready for her big adventure tomorrow.And mama is right behind her!:).Goodnight and thank you again for keeping Fella and I in your prayers.Tomorrow is one week that he has been gone,hard to believe STILL.

[StarDeb55]

Patti, first of all, let me say that I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of your little boy. I have been reading his story, & was very touched by the bond you had with each other.

I noticed your last post about your friend's rotti being diagnosed with lymphoma. If you think she might like to investigate treatment, I can help her. My first Cushing's boy, Barkley, was diagnosed with lymphoma at 13. I was absolutely devastated. I did choose to pursue chemo with him, & am I glad I did. The chemo gave be 20 months with an excellent quality of life. If you think your friend might be interested, I will be happy to PM you my e-mail for her to contact me directly. I just don't like to post my e mail addy in a public forum.

Debbie

[Mel-Tia]

Hey

How are you today? Doing alright?

All packed and ready to go?

It's pouring of rain here, no snow in sight! Hope the sun is shining brightly when you wake.

Big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty
Looks like your day has had its ups and downs, hopefully as days go by you will be having more ups!! Hope your all packed and ready for your little getaway with Gracie tomorrow, such a good idea you had about change of scenery on Friday.

So sorry to hear of your lack of support with your feelings about Fella, I have come across that too, that whole "its just a dog" thing really gets my goat. I get that some people do not like to hear about it all the time, that is why this place is so treasured by me. I can come in here and vent, no details is too small and love and so appreciate the feedback I get here from all the expects. They lift me up when I am down and I could not do without them all now!

I love the idea of the penny as a charm or necklace too, something you can have with you all the time!

Take your camera and get lots of pics for us won't you, the place you are going to sounds gorgeous :) xx

[Fellasmom]

Good Morning
Oh Mell,I was so wishing for snow for you!-At least it would have been a little brighter for you on the "dreaded" Friday!Kelsey loved snow and it would always make me smile when I would see those first few flakes-almost magical.Thanks for checking in with me and I'll be thinking of you and Tia today too-hope Tia found Fella.:)

And Trish,have my camera in my bag-you haven't been on your toes this morning though now have you?:D:D.You asked for pics of my babies last night,and the computer illiterate one that I am,finished the task late last night with the help of Doxy's mom!:)I have many more but wanted to get a few on.I love them so much!!And yes,so thankful to all of you for the love support and humor you have given me.I still become just shocked however,that other people don't just "get it".Oh well,their loss!I hope you have a great day!

[Fellasmom]

Trish,
I take that back,how could I even think I could slip my babes pics in there without you noticing?:p.I looked at them just now and saw your comments!Didn't know one could comment on pics!Now my mind has opened a bit more,I can't wait for the next days/weeks that I can get to know your babies as much as you know mine!:)

[Fellasmom]

Hi Debbie,
Thanks for your loving thoughts of Fella!.That's so wonderful that you had 20 months! My communication with her is a private msg here and there on FB so I will send her a msg-I'm sure she would be grateful for any new information that would provide some hope!

I do have a feeling though that his disease is quite advanced.She mentioned about deciding not to do chemo but then said she was giving him a chemo pill?She works at an animal shelter full time and her baby is seen by the doc there.I will def ask her-thanks so much for reaching out-this board is just wonderful!!!

[labblab]

AWWWWWWW!!! :o :) :p

Patty, I've just been to your album and your pictures are wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope so much that you and Gracie have a safe trip and quality time together. I know it will be a bittersweet journey for you, but hopefully the sweet moments will outweigh the sad ones. I just read your sweet note to Fella, and I feel certain he'll be able to watch over Buster and still be able to fill your heart, too, while you are away. I believe that is the magic and the mystery when our dear spirits are released from the bonds of their tired little bodies.

Marianne

[frijole]

You can tell their personalities from those photos. Exactly the way you described them. Fella has that same feisty smile my Annie had. Love it. Kim

[Mel-Tia]

What a little smiler! Love that pic of you three with Gracie just out of the water. You all looked so happy

[Fellasmom]

Thanks for loving my babes!I look at those pics and I can just feel the love,especially the vacation one from Maine last year.And thanks for reading my note to Fella this morning Marianne.That board is really a great way to speak to them.Tho of course,if I miss a day,I feel neglectful!:).Most of us never feel we are doing enough-maybe it's because no matter what wonderful things we do and give,it just cannot possibly measure up to what we feel they give us!We are always trying to give more,do better-how lucky we are to know this kind of unconditional love!:).And Kim,I loved all the fiesty,"I'll take on the biggest dog,yes I will!!" attitude.Just like your Annie!My gf was trying to make me feel better last week and said"you took him from the streets and let's face it,he just wasn't that adoptable!":D.Of course,underneath all that 20 lb toughness was a marshmallow-he just only allowed a few people to see his "weak unmanly" side!!:D:D.And Mel,yes,I loved that picture of us on vacation-we were so happy.Sometimes we need a reminder of what we DID do just for them!I took them from the business of the ocean so they could be in a quaint little lake town.They loved to romp and roll in the new smells in the woods and Gracie loved to swim everyday.Fella was just content sitting out on the dock "sunning" himself.Mommy would have preferred the ocean since I left with mesquito bites everywhere-but as long as they were happy,that was okay by me!!:).Well off to New Hampshire we go!!That wireless had better work!!!Have a good weekend!!

[molly muffin]

Love your pictures Patty. Have a good trip!!!!

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Squirt's Mom]

What precious babies! Loved the pics! Enjoy your weekend to the fullest!

[Fellasmom]

I'm rushing out the door late as usual but as I was out doing errands I thought of Mel and how we both hate Fridays!And how we both are deperately waiting for a "sign" from Tia and Fella.Not sure if I post this on HER site or leave it here,but hopefully she will see it and it may brighten her day.I forgot all about sharing with you the sign I recieved from Kelsey! I was married,we had bought a house in Maine and had the gang with us-Kelsey,Fella and Buster.When we divorced in 2006,(same year kelsey passed),I decided country life wasnt for me and was lucky enough to rent the house to my friend Linda.Linda is the one who got me in touch with the communicator and still lives there.As I may have told you,that little sing song bird always reminded me of Kelsey,and everytime I hear it,I rush to the door and smile and say Hi Kelsey!Half the time I do think it's just me being crazy however!BUT,I did tell her as she was passing that when I heard that bird and saw a flurry of snow,I would know it was HER telling me hello.:).Well,back during the Christmas season 2011,I was feeling particularly lonely as I was taking out the decorations,especially seeing her stocking.A few days later I recieved a box from Linda in Maine and in it was a card with a tiny box,like a pill box that would have fit a key or something.She said that she saw something shiny outside at the foot of the stairs on the back deck.She was certain it had never been there before as she goes up down those stairs all the time for 5 years.When I opened the box,there was Kelsey's dog tag!I couldn't imagine that this tag,which I never knew had been lost,had survived 5 harsh Maine storms,got kicked around,buried and had somehow landed at the foot of the stairs,shiny and bright!!It brought such joy to me-I felt that after all these years,she was still with me and gave me the greatest Christmas gift ever!!I always remember that because to me,it really was a miracle and surely a sign that she was still with me!!.So,we may have to wait awhile,but I remind myself of that story and am very confident that they will come to us when the time is right!!!:).Have a great weekend and I will speak with you soon!

[Mel-Tia]

Am here work just finished!

That did make me smile. Drive safe x

[Trish]

Wow that is a great story, that is a sure definite sign. So pleased Linda found that and sent it to you!

Now Fella and Tia, you two get yourselves busy and work out how to send something to your Mommas!

Hope you had a good trip Patty, will be looking out to see if you managed to get the wireless working, but most of all I hope you are relaxing in the fresh air and having a super fun time with Gracie who must be so excited about your little holiday!

Look forward to hearing updates AND seeing pics!! xx

[Fellasmom]

Can't believe I've only been here one day and I was missing all of you before I left!So far the trip has been great.It's so beautiful here.Town after town filled with quaint shops,inns,and mountain views to die for!Gracie is pooped!!We walked from one end of town to another,stopped at a few parks and met alot of dog lovers who just wanted to give her a lil bit of love!We ended up at this great dog store Four Your Paws Only that has a dog social every sat morning!Gracie loved it!!Homemade baked treats and I bought a nice frame to put Fella's picture in.Next we went to a state park at the foot of the mountains with the cleanest water I've ever seen-gracie frollicked around in the water,rolled in the sand and then stole my lunch!!:eek::D.Hope you all are doing well-thanks for loving all my pics I posted.I do miss Fella so much here however.For some reason,I thought being away would help,but I guess he's in my heart,so wherever I go,he comes with me!!:).Found myself looking at chihuahuas avail for adoption and I was horrified with myself but I know I'm just looking for HIM.:(Dropped off a pic and going to have a puzzle made of him so that should keep me busy!!Off to bed early tonight as Gracie and I are going on a short hike tomorrow.Miss you all!!

[Mel-Tia]

Hey. Glad to hear you and Gracie are doing well. Seems like you are spoiling her rotten bet she is loving it

Be nice to get the puzzle, do they have jewellery shops too to make your penny up?

Looking doesn't hurt, they are always so cute when they are babies.

Sweet dreams. Big hug, speak soon

Mel
Xxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty, Hi Mel! Good morning to you, or evening as the case may be! Wow your holiday spot sound gorgeous. Gracies sounds like she is having a ball!! Her stealing your lunch made me laugh :D:D:D, glad Flynn is not the only naughty doggy today! I so wish I was somewhere nice, hmmm might be time for a walk too I think! Keep on having a great time, I am kinda glad Fella is with you there too, that is nice if you are remembering happy times! xx

[doxiesrock912]

I wish that Daisy and I had hidden in your suitcase. It sounds perfect!

[NoonelovesmelikeNorman]

Hi Patty! I just read over Fella's journey and wanted to extend my deepest sympathy. You are a wonderful mamma who did the very best you could for Fella. Little Gracie is so blessed to have you as a momma as well.

Sending waves of Love, Peace, Comfort and Mercy.

(((hugs)))

Sharon, Norman and Millie

[Mel-Tia]

Hello

Just checking in to see how you and Gracie are doing?

Big hug

Mel
Cxxx

[Fellasmom]

It was so nice to come home and see all your messages-thanks for checking in and thinking about us and calling me a good mama!We had a wonderful peaceful time together although I missed Fella night and day and it really wasn't any easier.The two us took little hikes thru the woods,met other dogs,ate like pigs,relaxed at outdoor cafes and slept like babies.The hotel was cheaper than I thought so I even went all out and got a massage.That was prob the funniest part of the whole trip.It was great cuz they were dog friendly and said'bring her on in!".Well,she was all excited but eventually settled down in the corner.I"m much too hyper to lie there and get into the zen like mood but what the heck,might as well indulge in some pampering on vacation,right?Well,as I'm lying there,trying very hard to get into the relaxation mode,listening to the soft music that almost put me to sleep-and there's my classy Grace,in the corner, alternating between snoring loudly and belching!!:eek::eek::D:DHahaha...gotta love her!!I laughed thru the whole massage!!I'm still laughing just thinking about it!!

I just got home and saw the "Tufts" bill in the mail.I opened it and need some advice.It listed all the services by date,4/18 surgery day and 4/19,day he died.It does say that this may not be a complete bill.It lists him as having a splenectomy.This is horrifying to me as they saw spot on his spleen on his CT scan,and during surgery,doc called to tell me that the node looked pretty nasty and they were going to take it out and biopsy it.The way I understood it was that they were biopsy the node,NOT taking out the entire spleen.I'm sick.It says anethesia 3hr/30min but the surgery was only supposed to be 2 hrs or so.They have no steroids listed until the very last item on 4/19 listed as hydrocortisone 1 vial.But I specifically asked them if he was on steroids and they said yes!!Of course,I'm back again thinking they killed him!!Maybe he went into an addisons crisis and/or they took out the spleen and didn't tell me!!Though they said they have done these surgeries before,so they must know that you would give steroids,right??Back to torturing myself.They have listed histopathology large tissue >6cm..OMG,I don't understand this at all!!Did I kill him by bringing him there??I was JUST getting over the shock of losing him and now I'm more confused than ever.There must be a part I'm not understanding,I can't believe Tufts would make this mistake.

[doxiesrock912]

Classy Grace :) That's too funny!


I would ask to speak to the surgeon because you want clarification about what exactly was done.
There was a lot going on in a short period of time.

From what I'm reading, dogs and humans can live just fine without a spleen and if a vet thought that it was cancerous, it's a good idea to remove it to prevent spread to other organs.

Could it be that you were so distraught when they told you about the mass on the spleen that you misunderstood what they were going to do?

Or, that the results of the biopsy came back while they were still doing the other surgery and they decided it was best to remove the whole thing rather than wait and put Fella through another surgery later on?

I know that Cornell does testing in house and has the results for many things on the same day.

[Mel-Tia]

Hi

Sorry I haven't been about today I have been battling spreadsheets

Glad you had a good break, I know it will be tough wherever you are but the change of scene probably did you both good. Was Buster good while you were gone?

Not nice you had to come home to the bill and that it is all itemised for you to see. I am not a expert when it comes to these things but I would think given the spleen looked nasty they would have whipped it out rather than biopsy as it would have meant another surgery. I think they probably meant that when you spoke to them but obviously it wasn't clear. A node doesnt sound like it would be 6cm so maybe that was the clot as they told you the tumour was small didn't they?

I am not sure when it's appropriate to give steroids but someone else might know.

I think maybe you need to start your list of questions for them so that you can then think about when you want to get these answered. I don't think you did that to him and remember he didn't either he knew it was his time. Flip the coin momma

Am here and will be for a while now, so let me know how you are doing today

Big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Oh Valerie and Mel,it was so nice to hear from you today! It was a shock to see a splenectomy listed,because as you said Mel,they prob did tell me but that's not the way I understood it.I had an awful night and day today thinking about all of that.Had I know they were going to remove his entire spleen,I would have asked more questions,etc.-left with the thought that I didn't advocate for him enough.

I did speak with one of my gf who is also a nurse.She explained to me that because the spleen is highly vascular,it isn't something that you normally would resect,or take a piece off to biopsy.Since you can live without one,usually removal of entire spleen would be recommended.The adrenal tumor was only 1.5cm so I'm assuming since it was billed at >6cm,it included the entire spleen.It was just a shock and can't help feeling that if they had left well enough alone,he would be home here with me.My friend did say that since the spot looked "nasty",the right thing WOULD be to remove it.She said splenic cancer is highly aggressive and mets to other organs very quickly.I did read online that of those dogs who even had splenectomys for cancer,only 10% were alive after one year.I guess I'm stuck in the "what if" stage-why couldn't they have left it,he healed from adrenalectomy and THEN went in and removed spleen??
I guess I was shocked and felt he was violated or something when I first read the items.I'm a little calmer now and am beginning to realize I may have misunderstood them and that removal was the best option.I emailed him and requested he call me just so I can get a clearer picture.Bottom line is I guess there is no easy way to come to terms with losing him in that manner.I just want to keep saying "but what if".Losing our babies leaves such a hole in our souls!!
Btw,Mel,you write such beautiful notes to your Tia!!I always get teary eyed after reading them because your love for her is so palpable throughout.I can relate to so much of what you write to your baby girl Tia.

[Mel-Tia]

Those bills are so clinical you have emotions tied to the times of those entries and what it actually meant to you Fella so of course it would open up more questions esp as you didn't appreciate they took out his spleen

All surgery is risky and I don't think they would choose to do another so close to the first one. Glad your nurse friend could explain it

I think the way you lost your little guy was particularly tough because at no point was this outcome ever thought as a possibility. It was shocking

I do hope this chap who calls can help you understand.

I just miss her like you do your little man, your notes are equally precious to your guy

Big hug

Mel

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Mel!Hope you have an easier time at work and that your wrist feels better!Animals are so amazing-I've noticed that since Fella is gone,Buster has a new habit of sitting next to me,in the exact spot Fella used to be:).Do you ever think you will get another?I know that I will eventually but right now,all I want is him back!Have a good night and so nice to speak with you!

[doxiesrock912]

I'm glad that your nurse friend could explain things better for you and what I read matched up. It does sound like Fella's best option at the time and that they were also trying to not put him through multiple recovery periods.

I still miss all of my furlets, scaly and feathery creatures that I've lost over the years.

[Mel-Tia]

wrist is buggered still!

Bless buster, I love when they do those little things

Oh yes, will definitely get another girlie.

Can't yet though as Boyce hates other dogs, he was attacked when he was 18 months old. Will be just me and my boy for now...

[Fellasmom]

As if the day wasn't bad enough!-I had a headache from all the crying I've done since last night.I just saw UPS drop off a box on my porch.My first thought was that someone had sent me something nice.My heart dropped when I saw it was from Tufts.Inside was a wooden box with Fella's ashes.Strange that it didn't have a cover to it.Kelsey's was in a container that you could open.This is a box that has screws on the bottom that you would need to take apart.

It's such a letdown.I know it sounds crazy but all that love,all that incredible love you've given and recieved for 10years-it would only be fitting that the reward in the end would be someting amazing.It just seems so hollow that you get a box in the mail.I know I'll treasure whats in that box as I do Kelsey's but when you first recieve it,it's such an awful feeling!

[Mel-Tia]

The universe is not being very kind to you these last two days, first the bill, now this. At least he is home with you where he belongs

I picked Tia up from the vets and cried all the way home, it opens it all up again. I wish we didn't have to feel this but I guess it's a testament to how much we loved them.

Am here with you sending you a big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Mel,hugs to you too as I know you are still grieving.I was actually feeling sad but a wee bit better upon returning from our mini getaway and wasn't ready to face the bill and ashes so soon.And yes,recieving the ashes is such an emotional time.The loss becomes real,final the moment you recieve those ashes.You have the "proof" that they are really gone.Its terrifying to know that I will never see him again,never feel his little body curled up against me.I guess I just have to force the good memories and am so grateful for Check in tomorrow if you can,okay??Hugs to you and Tia and Boyce of course.Awful that he was attacked like that!Must of been so frightening for him and you!

[Mel-Tia]

I know, it hits you like a smack in the face

I will pop in early :). I am waiting for feedback now on those spreadsheets so should be about more tomorrow.

It was horrible but it saved him. Tell you a story...

I used to have to go into work so the pups went to my mum and dads every day, Boyce escaped one day and went up to the first people he found which were some builders only a few hundred metres away. The bloke took him home and took him in, he had a dog and Boyce went for it

I called the RSPCA as I was frantic and the man called in to say he had him. Now Boyce is the sweetest guy with people so if that chap hadn't had a dog I am positive he wouldn't be here now snoring his head off in his daddy chair!

I would never have got him if it wasn't for Tia. He protected her from when she was born as she was the only girl and the others picked on her, so we took him too.

[frijole]

When my first (Haley) passed I had her cremated and they never offered any urns or anything but I never in a million years thought I'd get her returned in a cardboard box (thin like a gift box)! I put it on the shelf next to my bed (night stand)... With Annie I knew better and had switched to a different vet so before I even made the decision of when to let her go I had already purchased two hand carved boxes and had them inscribed for each of my girls... so when that day came for Annie I had all decisions made and didn't have to deal with that.

I will never forget the day I looked at that box. I felt the same way you did. Hang in there - it is so hard and just takes time. Easier said I know.... Kim

[molly muffin]

Oh gee Patty, talk about having a rough time of it. It just piles up sometimes, first the bill, then the shock of a spleen removal that you were unaware of and then ashes on top of it all. Someone needs to give you a call back and let you know, exactly what was done, why it was done and the outcome. Just so you can put your mind at ease.
However, right now, important thing is finding the most appropriate container for Fella to hang out in with you. :) I know that he is with you. He has come to you in your dreams and he is everywhere that you look I'm sure. I bet he misses you in your bed though. Since that was a special place for you together.

I'm glad you had a wonderful mini vacation with Gracie. It sounds divine!

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Bo's Mom]

Just wanting to send you our HUGS from Texas. It sure has been rough for you the last couple of weeks.
I know when we received Bo's ashes we actually picked them up at the crematorium. I bought a special little urn for him which is a music box that holds his picture. My daughters and I picked it out. I also bought a locket which has a special canister to hold a wee bit of ashes and I wear it often just for me to be comforted to know he is always with me. If you're interested in that, they sell them on Amazon for less than $30.

[Mel-Tia]

Hello

Checking in. Hope you are doing ok today?

Mel
Xxxxx

[Trish]

I am here too, sorry been busy with work and stuff - or asleep, dozed off on couch last night about 9pm! Glad your trip was good Patty and I guess you had to come down with a bump when you got back. Those itemised bills suck!! But I am pleased to hear sweet Fella is home with you, perhaps not as ceremoniously as you wanted but he is back so thank goodness for that.

Have you done your list of questions to ask the surgeon yet, sounds like they are mounting up.

Are you back at work next week?? xx

[Fellasmom]

Good morning
The fog is starting to lift from my brain and I have a computer 101 question-For some reason,I treat this as if it is similar to the news feed on Facebook.In other words,if I recieve a few replies,I reply back on MY blog assuming all would see it.But,if those who I reply to don't actually go in to my blog,they would never see it,right?So,if I wanted to send a msg(not private),I should be finding THEIR blog and posting it,right?I'll try to figure that out next time.

It was great to hear back from so many of you.It's so refreshing to speak with people who truly understand and who have been through the same heartbreak.I loved all of your ideas about the inscribed boxes,locket and I loved the idea of a music box!I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to Kelsey and I would love to find one with that song for the both of them.I'll have to poke around Amazon.Maybe a beautiful music box with his name inscribed.Perhaps I can use my penny somehow for the locket.I really am so glad he is here with us!

The doctor is on vacation but will call me on Monday.It gives me time to get my questions together.In my heart,now knowing that he had a splenectomy,I do feel that was the cause of his death.Its one of those "damned if you do,damned if you don't" kind of feelings.I know my first thought had I understood,would have been "no,just do the adrenalectomy and we will wait for the spleen" esp since the adrenalectomy turned out to be so simple!He would have come home!!:).However,my friend Linda cared for a dog whose spleen ruptured and another whom had splenic cancer.She said splenic cancer spreads like fire and again,he would be a ticking time bomb,hoping it didn't rupture which is almost always instant death.If I had waited,I'm asssuming it would take 2months or so before he would have been surgically stable enough to undergo another abdominal surgery.From what I've read,in that amt of time,there is a good chance it would have metastized,or ruptured, and even with a splenectomy,less than 10% of dogs live one year.Given all that,I have to really ask myself what quality of life would he have had having 2 back to back big surgeries,recovering from both and if he was LUCKY being the 10% who lived for a year??Either way is dreadful!It is comforting to know that he loved his little life up till his very last day.Played,chased birds,rolled in the grass,stole Grace's tennis balls and loved loved his momma!:).

This is long as usual!:).Well,the bill including preop was 7300!!Momma will be working for a long long time.Thank God for loans and care credit!:).

Mel-I loved your story about Boyce!!You are so right,if it wasn't for that other dog,you may never have found him!I didn't realize-Boyce and Tia were brother and sister??How cute that he watched out for little Tia-I would have had to take two as well!

And Trish,as far as work goes,I had tons of time accumulated,so kind of managed to take some sick time to care for Fella.Would be going back to work next week but I had planned on going with my gf to St John to visit another friend and had put in for 2wks vacation way back in Jan.I don't return for another two weeks ..So,I am a lady of leisure and I could easily get used to this lifestyle!!:p.

[Squirt's Mom]

I'm so glad to hear a more positive tone to your posts these days! :) It is great to see the healing has truly begun for you.

To find the threads of those who are posting here on your thread, look to the left at the poster's avatar and click the user name. A box will pop up and the first thing you will see is "View Public Profile". Click that. That poster's personal page will pop up. You will see a tab called "statistics" - click that. The first box will say "Total Posts" and you will see listed "Find all threads started by _________." Click that. A page will open that lists all threads this poster has started. Look for the one in Questions and Discussions and that will take you to their thread here about their pup's journey. Hope this helps!

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[Mel-Tia]

Hello there

How are you and Gracie doing this afternoon?

I think the circumstances had a lot to do it, he was an emergent case, they were trying to act in his best interests, the calls to you seemed to be reactionary based on their findings and sometimes in our haste to get a decision, things are not properly explained. I do however think that if she had of explained herself she would have encouraged you to take out his spleen for all the reasons you have found out

Like you have said the little Fella loved life and had fun up to that point which are memories you will hopefully come to treasure

$7300 wow, I never get how they justify charging so much, I of course also paid out thousands about 20k your money over Tia's treatment 12k insurance thankfukly but you just think they could probably do it all a bit cheaper.

Yes they are proper brother and sister, dad had lost his dog so we got Boyce for him, that lasted about 6 months as he would cry when we took her home, so he came home to us each night from then and has been my pup ever since.

Tia was the first dog I choose, I had a few growing up and I inherited Tara when i moved in with my other half who was also a red Staffordshire bull terrier and I wanted another red girl after I lost her in 2000 but not all red. Tia had a white collar and one white sock, as soon as I read that she was mine...

Big hug, kisses to Gracie

Mel
Xxxxx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
Awww...love hearing about your babies!So true about them choosing us!That collar and sock was all it took...smart girl that Tia was!:).Over the weekend,I was on petfinder,not looking for another so soon,but for some reason,I find it comforting looking at all the pups that need homes.Of course,this one little guy was a chihuahua mix,kind of looked like Fella which is what made me pull up his profile.Included in his description was the words"does anyone out there want to give this little fella a home?"...Well,of course,I thought that ad was speaking to ME!!But,much too soon!-Though I know it helps to pour all that love into another,I need to get my emotions in check first.

Today was a good day for Gracie and I.I felt bad because yesterday was spent sobbing and it was such a beautiful day.I brought her to the beach and she loved it!!More jumping in the waves and rolling in the sand-one dirty girl!!And we found 2 balls!!!:D:D.I said "thank you Fella!":).

Pet insurance-I've never had it and hear good and bad about it-what has your experience been?I think,no matter what you have,you end up spending a fortune.Of course,we would spend whatever we can for them-all we want is for them to have a chance and get well!I'm so lucky that I had access to money-sometimes it becomes very difficult.Such a shame that it is so expensive.I'm going to look for a nice urn,container for Fella-love the idea of a music box.

I feel a little bit better about Fella than I did yesterday.It does seem as if they did the right thing.Hopefully I will feel the same when I speak to him on Monday.The communicator kept speaking about how awful it would have been at home-she mentioned "lots of blood" or clot.I wondered what she meant by lots of blood but that spleen could have ruptured at home if not taken out.Guess I have to make peace with it somehow,it was just a shock when I read it.I would have asked a thousand questions and they prob would have told me what my gf did,and I prob would have agreed.Hard to say after the fact.Hugs to you and Boyce and hope Tia found Fella.:)

[molly muffin]

Hi, sounds like you had a good day today with Gracie. :) I'm sure there will be many ups and downs, eventually the ups will outweigh the downs though. HUGS

The music box sounds like a grand idea. I liked it when Belinda was talking about what to do for her Bo too.

Hope tomorrow is another good day

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Hi Sharlene
Thanks for checking in and yes,the days do seem to go from one extreme to another.One day I'm sobbing all day and the next,I'm thinking of all the reasons why I loved my little guy so much and I find myself smiling!:).

I just started to post on other members threads.I feel so selfish!It truly was just such a shock losing Fella that day that its really only been the last couple of days that I"m able to absorb anything else!So many of you have lost your babies as well or are dealing with all the anxiety and worries due to their illness.I'm normally not that selfish and I feel a bit ashamed but I honestly could barely breathe for the first week!And it means so much,that despite all of you going thru a hard time,you've all still managed to take the time to say hello and offer your love and support!

Thanks again for checking in-it means the world to me!!

[Budsters Mom]

Hi Patty,:)
Thank you for your very lovely message.:o. I, like many of the others, have also had precious fur babies cross the rainbow bridge. I want you to know that I know what you're feeling and that you are not alone. Please stay with us and share some Fella stories when you're able. I would love to hear about him.

Much love and Many hugs to you and Gracie:)
Kathy and Buddy:cool:

[molly muffin]

Awww Patty, big hugs. That's okay, we all understand completely. You have been through a trauma. Baby steps. You can venture out to other threads when you feel like it. I've noticed you've posted on a few other threads the last couple days. I think you are healing Patty

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Hi
I've been on a quest to personally thank all of you but there are so many of you(that's a good thing:))that I won't possibly be able to get to everyone tonight!I didn't forget anyone-I was just going down the list,in no particular order and reaching out to let you know how much you are appreciated.I will begin again tomorrow!I look forward to hearing more of your stories.I still miss Fella horribly but am just beginning to enter that place where I am able to look at his pictures and between tears,find myself smiling at just how much joy and love that little guy gave me.I will share some "Fella" stories soon as he was quite the character!:)Truly finding all of you was his final gift to me-and what a gift it has been!Of course,today was a good day,tomorrow I'll probably be sobbing!!Seems like thats the way it has been!:).

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Patty,

Thank you for your message on my Harley's thread it was so sweet of you to do that.

I remember how scared and confused I was when I first joined here and these wonderful people guided me with their wealth of knowledge and their love. They all were there for me, again, with their loving arms outstretched, when my boy, Harley, received his angel wings.

That is one thing I love about this forum, we all come together to help and support one another. We will always be here for you, dear Patty, please remember that.

Love and hugs,
Lori

[Gunnersmom]

Im so sad for you!!! I just found this post because I was searching for answers about my 4 year old Golden Retriever. On April 20th Gunner was acting very nervous and kept having to go out to pee that whole night he laid by me and just seemed upset. Well that Sunday morning my Siberian Husky tried to play with him and Gunner cried out in pain so I checked him all over for an injury. Well on his left side of his lower abdomen was a huge lump bigger then a softball. Monday I bring him into the vet and get xrays yes there is something growing they say it could be cancer or just some sort of benign tuor so they reccommend exploratory surgery for april 30. So I bring him home he is eating fine but getting more nervous and uncomfortable so I call the vet Wednesday the 24th and see if they can move the surgery up and give him pain pills. The surgery was moved up to the morning of the 26th and I had prepared myself to the extent that they may open him up see that it is terrible cancer and send him home with a week to live but it was not to be. I brought him in that morning and they sedated him and said stay by a phone in case they call so I was not hme long when I get the call that my baby died on the operating table he had a huge adrenal tumor that was somehow involved or grown into the vena cava. When they moved the tumor his heart rate went out of control and he bled out from the vena cava there was nothing they could do for my gorgeous 4 year old Golden. The vet said he was already bleeding out and that is why he was panting more and uncomfortable that week. He said if I had not moved up the surgery he would have not lasted 2 days and would have had a horrible death. I did not get to say good bye and I am devastated. Your loss is so horrible but please please be so grateful you had so much time with your precious baby. I did not. Maybe God had me find this post to help you know that at least your baby lived a long good life. I am so heartbroken I can not even put it into words. I need prayers really bad if I will ever get through this.

Administrative Note: Gunner's mom now has her own thread here, so anybody who wishes to send her a note directly can do so:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5242

[Trish]

You have been busy today Patty, thanks for posting in Flynn's thread. We got good news today at the vet, you can read all about in the update I just posted.

Gunnersmom - I am so sorry to read your story, what a shock for you to go through. Sounds like Gunner had the odds stacked against him and was in acute trouble. I guess in that situation it is maybe a blessing he went to sleep with the anaesthetic and did not wake up. That certainly sounds like a pheo (gee we are seeing lots of these lately) because with anaesthetic they can have dangerous BP swings plus the added difficulty of it being in the blood vessel. But how gut wrenching for you, it is so hard whether your dog is 4 years old or 12 years old, they are all such short times in the context of our human life spans and we are never ready to say goodbye. My thoughts are with you at this time and hope you are taking care of yourself. xx

[Fellasmom]

Trish,
Thanks-seems we were posting to each other at the same time as I was just reading about Flynny's great report!!

I feel like I'm going crazy.I seriously spend alot of time worrying that Gracie is sick and I am going to lose her.I feel her everywhere for lumps,bumps and have so much anxiety about her these days.Though I always worry about them,this just started after I lost Fella.She does have multiple semi firm(about size of dime to quarter)little cysts that have been there for years.Many years ago the vet said they are "just cysts".They are just underneath her skin.They are def not hard like a mass nor do they feel like those fatty benign lipomas alot of the dogs get.(she has one of those but the vet has never been worried about it since it is so soft and moveable).But of course,I have to go googling and see the good bad and ugly!I feel like a horrible mama because I just can't take her to the vet right now because I'm too emotional and scared.I think it's a little PTSD from Fella.I keep telling myself that she has had them for years and she seems fine!When she got her teeth cleaned last month,the new vet did notice them,didn't seem all that concerned but did ask if they had become larger,which I don't think they have.Just venting here really.Am I losing my mind?:).I keep looking at her and I get teary.

[Trish]

No, you aren't losing your mind. You are a nurse so you know the things like if the lump is mobile and not fixed it is likely nothing to worry about. Or else they likely cysts, Flynn gets a lot of those too and I operate, well give them a little prick to drain them... not open surgery :eek::D:eek: I know I shouldn't but they are usually easy to pop and get the muck out and then they do not get bigger and nastier. Normal to worry about your other babies after you have been through, just don't transfer your anxiety to her as they are such smart little buggers they will sense it!

[Mel-Tia]

Hello there

You are not going mad or If you are I am too. Had the same thoughts with Boyce, he has warts and bits and I have checked them poked them and just recently changed his food cause I only had him on it because of Tia. I think it's natural....

How you both doing today, did she find any balls?

Mel
Xxxx

[Squirt's Mom]

Ok...my mind isn't like most folks and it often sees things that others don't....but I read Mel's question "...did she find any balls?" as "...did YOU find any balls?" thinking perhaps Gracie had more than some lumps that you discovered! :eek::o:p

I jealously guard several thrones here - one of them is the Throne of Worry. You may have heard the booby story when I just knew Squirt had developed breast cancer but it turned out she had lost weight and I was feeling her boobs for the first time in ages? Yep, Queen of Worry here - I'll create something to worry about! :rolleyes: So in my eyes, you are acting perfectly normal! :p

Thank you so much for reading some of Squirt's story and commenting on her thread! That means a great deal to both of us. ;)

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[Fellasmom]

Trish,Mel and Leslie
Thanks for checking in.I do remember your breast cancer story Leslie!:).That would me as well-always worrying!!.I'm having such a sad day today.Its so hard to believe he is not here and not coming back.It's so difficult to imagine I have the rest of my life to live without him here.I "forget" sometimes.I was just at the store and whenever I'm gone,whether it be work or just out somewhere,I get so excited when I'm close to home because I can't wait to see Grace and Fella at the door.I would come in and kiss them both and they would be so excited to see me,as if I had been gone for days!
I just had that feeling of anticipation of seeing them both and my heart sunk because I had to "remind" myself that Fella's sweet face is no longer there to greet me.Such an odd displaced feeling to not have him here with us.A HUGE presence is missing from our house and it just will never be the same.And now comes the sobbing!!It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and I feel like it was just yesterday.Nothing seems right today.I just smelled his winter coat and I just want to sit here and cry all day.

[Mel-Tia]

Then have a good cry sweetheart, two weeks is not long. The same thing happens to me the nearer we get to Friday.

It won't be the same again but you will start to adjust to this new normal, that's what I keep telling myself

Got a happy story to share so we can remember him and smile?

[Fellasmom]

Thanks Mel!
Everyone here has gone thru the loss and it's just awful!With you losing Tia so recently,I know you are right there in the midst of it as well.If it weren't for Grace,I would just sit here and sob all day and night!But it wouldn't fair to her so I make myself stop crying because I'm sure it is upsetting to her.

Well,I did find myself laughing about Fella in the shower today.I was thinking of how he hated the mailman.Didn't matter if we lived in Maine,NY or Boston,if the mailman came up to the porch or if we saw him walking,"Cujo" was ready.:D..Didn't mind any other uniform,just not the mailman's!!He would change from lover boy to killer in seconds!So,as annoyed and shocked as I was to recieve his ashes arrive in the mail, I had to put a positive spin on it.I envisioned that this must have been a great last adventure for Fella before returning home to us!He LOVED hating mailpeople.What better way for him to come home than by mail?He must have been in his glory seeing all those uniforms,hoping for the oppurtunity to do a last little ankle biting!:).I hope you gave them hell Fella!:).Sounds silly but it made me laugh.Gee,I feel like I'm bipolar here!One minute laughing and thinking I'm okay and an hour later,in deep despair!I KNOW it gets better,I do remember how awful it was to lose Kelsey.But,God,does it hurt your very soul when it happens!!I say it all the time,but it is so unfair that their lives are so short!!And Friday tomorrow..ugggghhh...horrible day for you and I!.So nice talking with you as always.I love that check in everyday.We missed you this morning!

[Mel-Tia]

This is where I am lucky, Boyce doesn't seem to understand tears he doesn't have the same emotional intelligence Tia had. Love him he is a proper oaf!

Well it was meant to be that he came home that way! Bless him I wonder why he had such an aversion to mail men?!

I think we hurt so much as we love them so much, it won't put me off getting more but it is hard to feel like you do now. Least we have Boyce and Gracie, I always tell myself it could be worse.

Work was mental today, I saw your posts but didn't get chance to nip in.

[Fellasmom]

Mel
Boyce sounds hysterical!Grace is somewhat deep and soulful but at the same time,has the attention span of a pup sometimes.While Fella sounds more like Tia.He could just look into my soul and let me know what he was thinking and vice versa.It was that "connection" that tugged at my heart and gave me a gut feeling something wasn't right with him.That little guy "showed" me he wasn't well,somehow,and like the communicator said,"I got it".Your relationship with Tia sounds similar.And yes,I am so grateful that I have Grace and Buster.I may not feel that its helping me now,but getting her out and taking her to the beach,making her special meals,etc...well,I'm sure that it is in alot of ways helping me to move forward.Not really sure why he hated the mailmen so much-maybe a mailman owned him before I found him.I always had a suspicion he was not treated very well and "escaped".Always so grateful I was driving down the street that day and caught him.:).

Sorry work has been so stressful these days for you.Makes everything a little bit harder.I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.I hope one of these Fridays we can begin to smile!

[Mel-Tia]

Boyce can be a pain but he is my pain. He is the happiest boy, you just have to look at him and he wags his tail at you. Clumsy isn't the word though, just tonight he decided that I should have a kiss and in the process he managed to knock over an open bottle of cola which went everywhere, it was on the table so I really don't know how he did it

Yes it does sound like Tia and Fella were similar, she knew when I was sad and she knew when I needed a cuddle, she would just mooch by you and be there. I miss that so much. She also told me she was poorly, I didn't want to see it but I did

I think you were definitely meant to be, I hate the thought of someone being mean to him, how could they looking at his sweet face

Am trying to take some time off tomorrow, I need a break as I am exhausted,I don't really enjoy it now so that doesn't help!

[Fellasmom]

Mel
Haha..what a pair Gracie and Boyce would be!!:).People would invite me to their house and say."bring Grace",I'd laugh and say if I did,we would never get an invite again.Same as Boyce..on her way over to greet you,her tail will knock over a plant,I'll lean down to kiss her at the same time that she jerks her head up and almost knocks my teeth out!:).She's just a big ball of love and clumsy!

Now Fella,on the other hand,would manage to somehow circle and circle until he got it just right and would curl right up against me in just the right spot.He does sound alot like Tia!:).All those signs they were able to communicate to us that something just wasn't right!On one hand I treasure those moments that we could really communicate like that but its just gut wrenching pain to know your baby is sick and to feel so helpless.

I'm really not all that happy in my job either.It used to be a fun place to work and but is no longer.Disliking your job just makes everything so much worse.Or maybe it's just losing our babies makes us just not care as much about anything-at least,that's where I'm at right now.We had such a cold winter with 2 blizzards back to back,so that we weren't able to get out for long walks.Seems like him and I were couch potatoes all winter listening to the wind howling and watching the snow pile up.I so wanted him to enjoy another summer at the beach!Well,you've listened to me enough tonight.Cant say enough how much I appreciate your kindness,especially since I know you are deeply hurting as well.Check in when you have time tomorrow.Have a good night and give that clumsy Boyce a big hug and kiss!

[Mel-Tia]

They do sound so alike, He headbuts me in the nose and it hurts! He is about 20kg of pure muscle still so you proper feel it!

She was mouldable if that's a word but her thumb claw would always get me on the thigh when she jumped on my lap to sit down as she was about 15kg!

I think you hit the nail on the head, it all seems so pointless. We had a rough winter too and she didn't like the cold so I feel like we missed out too, we would (still will) go on holiday to the beach as we aren't lucky to live near the sea..

I will be about for a while still, always find Thursday nights tough

[Fellasmom]

Mel,
Laughing about Boyce!Of course,I love them both dearly-their personalities were different but together,they were all I ever wanted in my life.Sadly,they were my "whole" life!I am newly single and my friends all live out of state-almost all my time not working,I spent with them and loved every minute of it.I remember looking at them and thinking everything was perfect in the world,because I had them to come home to.Like you,I was so looking forward to the nice weather to get them out and make up for the winter hibernation.I'm just sick with heartache!!And I'm not all that crazy about Thursdays either!I go through the whole "well,2 wks ago tonight,I went up and saw Fella and then they called and told me...."...and then tomorrow will be "he died 2 wks ago as I was pulling into the hospital...."

I hope in time you and I will have more peaceful thoughts and it won't hurt as much.When Kelsey died,I couldn't stand the pain!I got Gracie 3 wks after losing Kelsey!Thats from someone who said they would NEVER get another dog.And I loved that girl like no other!I just couldn't stand the pain-not sure if it helped but it was def a distraction and as I've said before,my love for Grace,started with my love for Kelsey.She was such a rotton,and I mean ROTTON pup,that I didn't have more than a second to boo hoo for Kelsey.I'm certainly not ready to choose another but somedays I wish I'd just find another little one wandering around.Fella would have liked that.

So sorry it's so hard for you and Tia.It takes so long to recover from this loss.Even 7years later,I still get teary eyed when I take out the stockings and see kelsey's.How lucky we are to have experienced that kind of love however.I hope tomorrow is a little better Friday for you.You will be in my thoughts and I hope you have an easier day!

[Mel-Tia]

I feel the same way about my two, both brought different things to my life and now we are missing a piece

I do the same thing, this time x weeks ago, our own brains are our own worst enemies sometimes!

Clearly I was lucky, mine were angels in comparison to some, toilet trained, no chewing...

Maybe that's how you will find your next pup. For sure that would be a definite sign.

[Fellasmom]

Mel,
You're prob asleep by now but of course,I'm still blabbing!You are so lucky Boyce and Tia were good pups!Gracie was the absolute worst!!She was so dominant that she would hump my leg as a little pup trying to exert her dominance over me!!She was a nightmare-absolutely a beautiful nightmare!:).The vet said I had to set strict limits on her,like that she could not be allowed to roam throughout the house.After she sort of "grew out" of the crate training,I was instructed to leash her indoors at all times to reinforce that I was the master.I was told that when I sat on couch to watch TV,that she was to sit as well.I was to tie her leash to the leg of the coffee table.I had never experienced this before!!I never had a pup before-Kelsey was a rescue and she lived to please me.Not Gracie-she lived to please herself!!It was a constant tug of war to the point that many told me to surrender her BUT I am very stubborn and I was determined to "break" her!!I just know that behind that monster there was a deep loving heart and I was right!!As I tied her to the coffee table as I was told to,I must have become immersed into a good movie because bout 10minutes later,I realized she had chewed through the leash and was happily chewing the remote in the corner of living room!:eek:.And THAT was just 10minutes in the life of Gracie as a pup!!:).

And yes,I would LOVE to just find a pup wandering around.That would be surely a sign!I usually always find them too.I just recently found an adorable little shitzu and was able to track down his dumb owner.Apparently this was his third time escaping,was found in traffic and she said very lovingly "you have been a very bad boy", I really wanted to say'No,you are a very dumb owner".I gave her the lecture about how she needed to be more careful,etc.

And we are our own worst enemies!I loved that I was able to go away last Friday so I made that day special and different.If only I could afford to do that every week!:).Well,sweet dreams Mel and hope Tia is a part of them!Talk to you tomorrow.

[molly muffin]

Gracie is a hoot!!! I love that spirit she had and that you found the heart of gold inside, is like bonus all over the place. :)
You are really making me remember my Tasha and bringing back fond memories of her and her antics. Oh she was nothing like your Gracie, but don't bet that she didn't get into her own trouble and adventures. Isn't it funny how that spirit and all those funny times that frustrated the living daylights out of us then, can be looked back on so fondly now.
Some dogs just are very good escape artists I swear. My nephews dog, gets out of their yard all the time and heads to my sisters house, luckily just down the street. That dog can jump higher than any I have ever seen. She just sails over fences. If she is at my sisters house, then good chance, she'll be off to go back home. They might has well just make her a path of her very own. Doesn't seem to go anywhere else thank goodness, but the only thing to do is keep her in the house. Which brings me my other nephews dog, who is a golden and very traumatised by storms, loud sounds, being left alone, etc and has literally broken a window to get out of the house, and chewed through a wall. The vet now has to sedate her, mildly if bad storms or they take her over to my sisters house with the other dogs and people around to keep her calm.

Okay, that was rambling! LOL I just really wanted to thank you for bringing back those memories of Tasha and tell you how much I am enjoying the Gracie stories. :)

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene,
I'm glad the Gracie stories makes you smile about your Tasha!I've always loved Goldens and never could see myself with a small dog.Then the Fella came along and changed all that!:).I feel bad because I have so many funny stories about Gracie.They all add so many different things to our lives.Fella was the serious one.He was the loyal,faithful,dependable companion.Never left my side.Liked toys but only for a short while,unless he noticed Gracie was really loving one and then he would sneak and get it from her.And then it was all HIS!!Mine,mine,mine..arrrgggh...MINE!I loved that fiesty side of him though!He saw a lion when he looked in the mirror at himself.Just recently a black bear was on TV and he ran up to the screen and started growling-no fear at all in that little guy!:).The Gracie stories come to mind much easier than the Fella ones.I think part of my brain is still numb with grief and I'm just not able to think that deeply yet.I hope that changes because he brought so much joy and laughter to my life!
Your nephew's golden sounds like a hoot!:p.My Kelsey was terrified of thunder-it's really awful to see them react that way.Not as bad as you had described however.Poor baby!!...Goldens are just one big ball of love and are so good natured!!Funny,watching reruns of Everyone loves Raymond and they found a dog with a squeaky toy-Gracie's head just popped up and is now looking around the house for the toy!:).So great to hear from you tonight.Glad Gracie brought you good reminders of Tasha!:).

[Skye]

thinking of you and wanted to stop by and say hello and thank you for all the support and encouragement you offer to so many.

[Mel-Tia]

Morning

Gracie sounds like a little monster in her puppy days :D

Hope you are ok today, I woke up super early which I seem to always do every Friday, me and Boyce have been for a wander in the sun and he is now snoring his head off on his bed

I know what you mean about funny stories about Tia, they don't seem to come easy to me either. I think maybe it is something to do with how much we hurt

Tia and Fella sound more and more similar very day. T couldn't really be arsed with toys either, apart from to rip them up! But every so often when we were on a walk chucking balls, if he looked like he was having fun she would be right in there to nick it off him. She was always way faster than him so she would charge off with it little cow.

big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty

Your Gracie sounds like she is such a character, I am glad she is keeping you company and entertained. It is hard to say no for a walk when they look at you with those pleading eyes :) It's Friday night here, glad to have reached the end of this week at work, Flynn wise it has been a good week so I am very thankful for that. I was just lying on the floor watching TV and playing with the boy. I gathered up all his toys, and he made sure each one was definitely quite dead with no fluff left inside to rip out. He is full of energy again, it is great! I have promised him a trip to the pet store tomorrow to replenish his toy supply and he likes to look at all the animals in there. Especially the rabbits, kittens and birds :eek::eek: I do not let him terrorise them though, it must be frightening for them looking up seeing a terrier eyeing them up for dinner!

Hope your having a good sleep and maybe see you a little more now it is the weekend and I will be about a bit more. Have nothing much planned this weekend, after all my busy weeks of late I am very relieved about that! See you soon xx

[Fellasmom]

Good morning
Just woke up and read your messages.Gee,I don't know what I used to do before I met all of you!.I now wake up,miss Fella,give Gracie and Buster a kiss,put the coffee on and go online to check in with all of you.:).I've been trying to read through all your threads though this will take awhile.I have to say that what wonderful moms you all are!Its so refreshing be amongst people who share that crazy unconditional love we have for our babies.At the same time,how sad it was to read about so many who are so sick.I know all too well the anxiety,pit in the stomach worry that we feel when they become ill.I can't imagine what it would have been like for so many of us had it not been for this site!.I am so grateful to all of you.

And now it's friday-bah humbug-really wish I was packing for the mountains again today.I started cooking for Gracie and Fella just recently and it's so nice to watch Grace enjoy her food.Miss my little guy so much!Yes,Gracie always keeps me entertained,thats for sure!:).And Mel,loved the story about your Tia-she DOES sound so much like Fella!:).Hope our Fridays become brighter in time.My brain flip flops between moments of happiness,laughing with Gracie and looking over at Fella's picture and just feeling all that love.And then,moments later,being completely consumed with panic and anxiety with the realization that he is truly gone.At this point after losing Kelsey,I already knew I was getting Gracie and couldn't wait to pour all the love I had in my heart for Kelsey into another pup.And of course,Fella and I became closer during that time.Not sure what to do with this void in my heart this time around.

Trish-enjoy your weekend and so happy that Flynny has bounced back and that you've recieved such great news!Gracie loved the pet store in NH and was mesmerized by the bunnies!Sounds like you and Flynn will have a great relaxing weekend!

[Mel-Tia]

I went back to sleep as I felt sad too. Had enough of work and they owed me time.

Hope you and Gracie are out finding lots of balls on your walk.

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxxx

[molly muffin]

Hi Patty,
I saw over on Mel's thread that you were having a bit of a blah day. So sorry to hear that. I think you need a big cyber hug. HUG!

Did you get out to the beach today with Gracie?

I hope tomorrow is better for you.
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

I was writing to you at the same time Sharlene!:).Yeah,today was a blah day,and of course,the weather didn't help.I didn't get Grace to the beach but I did get her a good meaty bone so she was happy!

What I have the hardest time with is when I think about the surgery and start with the what ifs?.I try to just turn off my brain because I just can't go there.But I think the hardest thing is when I think of Fella,its hits me "you're NEVER going to see or hold him again".That thought puts me in a panic.I hate the "NEVER".It just rips my heart out.I immediately have to distract myself because I can't handle the "NEVER" right now.I'm so grateful for all of you-I truly don't know where I would be without you.It hurts that I have 5 siblings and never even recieved a phone call.Love is love,and we love our "babies" like they are our babies!!I can't imagine not acknowledging that loss.It just really hurts and gets me really annoyed!Sorry for venting!

[Trish]

Patty, that is what we are here for!! My brother is pretty good as his cat Timmy is having treatment for lymphoma and we are always comparing notes. But I have learnt not to go on to much about it with some people as they are not really interested and some make downright upsetting comments, so I very much pick and choose who I confide in. That's why this please is so important to me where I can come and unload and people GET IT because they love their pets so much as well!!

[Fellasmom]

Trish
Ah,you are so right,but it still annoys the hell out of me!!:mad:I guess I must have raised enough of a stink,because I did recieve a beautiful card from my mother.My mother actually feels very bad and always has treats for them when she visits.She is just not good at sharing feelings as she just doens't know what to say sometimes.She is forgiven!:).I'm trying to post my pics from last weekend if my computer illiterate brain can fig it out again.:).

[molly muffin]

My sister, who Loves dogs and always has one and dog sits my nephews dogs, still isn't the exact same way as I am with my animals. It's hard sometimes to pinpoint exactly what is different, I know she loves them very much and her heart just breaks if she loses one and I've seen how she is with them, but they are not her babies. They are her dogs. Does that make sense?
I'm lucky that most of my friends are the same kind of crazy about their dogs here that I am with mine. It makes it easier but those that aren't well, I don't share everything with them because we don't want to find out what I'd say if they made a rude comment. :)
That is what is great about here, we all get it.
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Bo's Mom]

Hi Patty,
Thanks for the kind words on Bo's thread. You totally understand how this group has been there with each and every one of us on our journey through diagnosis and beyond.
I, like you, find myself just trying to pay it forward with offerings of kind words and sympathetic ears as we each deal with our babies..whether it is celebrating successes or dealing with the pain that this dreadful disease does sometimes hand out.
I truly feel indebted to everyone for all they have done for me, my little Angel and his fur brother.
Dealing with the "Never" is so hard. I still find myself crying everyday because I miss Bo more than I can say. It has been almost 3 months but the pain still feels like it was yesterday. But, I do know that Bo and Fella and all the others have found each other and they all share their stories of how much they were loved and cared for by us. And as they say it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all....we could have missed the pain but we would have missed The Dance.
Much peace and strength to you...please stay with us because we do need you here and appreciate you and Fella for bringing you here.

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene,
So true!I find usually it's one extreme or the other.Either people are not dog friendly at all(can you imagine?)or they are absolutely crazy about them like us!!.I do understand what you mean about your sister though.They do love their pets but not as intimately as we do.Most of my friends here in Boston all have children and they sort of love their pets that way.All my friends in NY happen to be single women with dogs who are just like us!My friend Patty in NY had a maltese,Zak, who passed at the age of 18.She started to have big birthdays for him at 16.It was so much fun!!There were 6 adults and 9 dogs running around.It was always in July,lots of pup gifts and we called our drinks zachary dacquiris.It was quite a sight to see golden retriever,chihuahuas,daschund,chow chow,maltese and papillon all playing and running around!I do miss it there for that very reason!

And on that note,I'll leave you with another Gracie story.As you know she loves loves her balls.She had the ball at Zaks party and was not letting it go despite having 8 dogs running after her for it.She was hot and wanted some water.You could just read her face and know that she was thinking-how am I going to drink the water AND keep this ball?.We all noticed and laughed and said,oh well grace,looks like you're going to have to give up the ball.The little bugger outsmarted us all.She spit the ball in the water dish and drank around it!:D.:D.Then scooped it up again with a little gleam in her eye!:).

Nice talking with you and have a great weekend if I don't talk to you-thanks for being here,you do cheer me up!:)

[Mel-Tia]

Good morning you

Thanks for your note on princesses thread. Fridays hopefully will get better soon. One day or one hour at a time is how we have to take it. I still feel all over the shop.

Belinda Rose's comment was so moving it did bring me to tears, I wouldn't have missed that dance for anything as I am sure you and the other moms and pops feel the same way

Hope you have woke up feeling a bit better today?

I saw your note on Trishs thread re signs. I am a bit like that too constantly looking I figured if it makes me feel better to think its her even if it's not who am I hurting. I think grief sends you a bit doo lally

Gracie is a right minx, can see her in my mind doing that. I imagine her actually grinning at her ingenuity!

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxxxx

[Trish]

She's a smart girl that Gracie, just like her Momma!! Seriously made me laugh, could just imagine the look on her face trying to work out how to keep her prize!!

I had another of those "just a dog" moments today. My vet had suggested a store in town to get a probiotic to add to Flynn's dinner. So I went in there, spoke to the woman to get her advice. She said .... "Oh, you won't be wanting the expensive one if it's just for your dog"... Really, lady??? YES I WILL!! Would you get the cheap shite if if was your kid... may as well just go to the supermarket and toss him a pot of yoghurt eh!! Hmmmm well I did not actually say that last bit... BUT I THOUGHT IT!!! haha, so yes I bought him the expensive one, so it better blardy work!

[molly muffin]

Heheheh, just a dog, the nerve! Obviously this lady as never met our Flynn who is Just nothing, he's all things wonderful, so :p lady.

Gracie is very smart. It's funny sometimes because that isn't the first thing that comes to mind with goldens, because they are so loving and dorky too, but when push comes to shove, they know the real deal. :cool:

Trish I think we need to figure out a way to bring Happy Friday's back for both Mel and Patty.
The end of the work week, escape at last! Fella and Tia would not be happy that you guys are associating Fridays with anything bad. For them it was a wonderful day when Momma's would finally be home with them (not sure if you are on a M-F schedule Patty? and I know you Are home Mel, but you wouldn't have to be working on the weekend) They would get weekend play time and extra long walks, maybe a car ride to somewhere exciting. I am sure they enjoyed Fridays because it led to Saturdays and Sundays. :)

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Hi Trish and Mel
I finally was able to post pics from our vacation.I wish we were heading up there again today!It IS funny how we try to hard to look for signs-though they usually happen when we least expect it as was the case when Kelsey's tag was found.Just have to keep reminding myself one day at a time.And Mel,I too loved the way Belinda phrased that...wouldn't trade that "dance" for anything in this world!

Trish-haha,loved your "just a dog" encounter!If they think that was expensive,they would have a heart attack if they ever saw our vet bills!:D.That attitude annoys me but I also think what kind of person doesn't love dogs?One track mind I guess.It's like when Gracie sticks her head out of the car window and the person beside us sees her and doesn't smile back at her-I think-WHATS WRONG WITH U???:D:D.Thats why I try to stick to the dog lovers-they are so much more fun!:)

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene,
Must have been posting around the same time!Gracie is such a dork but I'm now convinced she is so smart that she "plays" dumb just to get what she wants!:).If a ball rolls underneath something,she half attempts to get it but then looks at me and starts barking as if to say-hello,you over there,I don't want to exert myself too much,get up and get it for me!And of course,mommy is trained well and does as she is told!Some things have improved with her and I know by getting it,I'm just reinforcing the behavior but the barking drives me crazy and I end up giving in!:).

And you are so right about Fridays!I don't do the Mon thru Fri routine anymore,but when I did,on Fridays mommy would do the happy dance with Fella and Grace and say Yeah!!Mommy is home for the whole weekend!!.Somehow have to make Fridays special!Cant stand dreading a day that we used to love!Thanks for thinking of us and hope you are having a nice weekend with Molly!

[Trish]

Love the pics Patty! Sure looked a lovely relaxing place with those awesome hikes and pretty little towns. Gracie looked like she loved every minute of it :) Thanks for posting them!

[Fellasmom]

Trish
Not used to seeing you at these times!Hope you and Flynny had a good day.I loved your pics as well-Grace does the same with her toys-isn't satisfied until they are ripped to shreds!:).Kelsey was so different-I still have hers-she would kiss them and lick them and she loved to gather them up and greet me at the door with them.The "monster girl" on the other hand,isn't satisfied till she has the squeaky out and all eyes,tail and whatever else ripped apart!:).

After looking at our wknd pics,I am so glad that we decided to go away.I felt a little panicky as I was leaving home since I was so used to Fella being on our adventures.Being in such a beautiful place,with fresh air and mountains was the only real peace we found and did us a world of good.

Nice talking with you and hugs to you and Flynny!

[Mel-Tia]

Hello there

How you doing?

Thinking of you

Mel
Xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
I don't know what I would do without you!I look forward to just seeing you say hello!And I feel awful because I just keeping thinking that you lost your sweet Tia such a short time ago and I'm doom and gloom over here.Cant be helping you much!

I notice as long as I am distracted,I'm ok.Minute reality hits me,the tears start.You realize life as you know it,will never be the same again.All the silly habits,sayings,songs I used to tell him-you realize those words will never be said again.I started googling spenic tumors-guess I'm still saying what if??Well,all I read was how freq goldens get them and that even every 6month US are not adequate in catching them in time.Enough googling for me today!

I cried with you today as I read all about Tia and what a great mom you were to her.I guess as I go back and forth with the what ifs,I realize there is just no "good" way for them to leave this earth.Sudden,tragic,planned-it's ALL just awful and painful.
My mind is all over the place-for every hopeful thought,there was a potential bad outcome.If they never touched that spleen,I know he would have made it.BUT would it have ruptured,would it be malignant,would it have metastized to other organs?Wonder how much time he would have had if we never even did that US-never would have known bout tiny adrenal tumor,blood clot or small spot on spleen.I guess when its all said and done,I'm having a difficult time accepting that he died the way he did.I never pictured his ending to be that way,heck,he was so healthy,I never even thought about him dying!(well,until recently)And,I guess,that brings me full circle to having to be thankful that despite HOW and WHERE he died,he was healthy everyday of his life until the end.He had only slight symptoms that as far as I could see,never affected one moment of his quality of life.After reading so many threads on this blog,I need to be thankful for that.So many of you have watched in agony and feel so helpless and hopeless as your babies decline and become sick from this disease.As shocking and unexpected as his death was,his quality of life was fantastic up till the very end.And for that,I am grateful.

Rambling as usual but your kindness and checking in with me means more than I can ever express.Especially since you are grieving too and I'm ashamed that I haven't been there for you since I know you are hurting as well.Please know you and Tia are in my thoughts-sometimes I just become so depressed and sad that I'm not always able to show that.Love everybody here-the kindest group of people I have ever met!!
Patty

[Mel-Tia]

Hey there

No need to be sorry... I can relate to a lot of what you say. It's the little things that get me too.

No there is no easy way, better to have loved and lost. We have to remember our dance and be thankful but it gets you right in the guts when you realise there is no more.

Its a bank holiday here tomorrow so no work, I will be about if you want to chat before your call.

I think Trish made a good point about what they took out from his belly and how that could have affected the surgery, I hope that the call gives you some answers. If you do feel strong enough i would ask them to walk you through what they did through the surgery, be honest and say it wasnt made clear to you about the spleen and given that you lost him it is important for you to know in their words what they did and didn't do.

Tia wasnt really poorly much throughout her treatment, we did have a couple of belly aches and her poor skin was horrendous to begin with but we got it sorted. We did have to go up and down on the pills and she hated the vets and tests but I would spoil her after with something nice. It was only really her last few weeks she started to lose herself and that was tough. I find it difficult to talk about to be honest.

Has Gracie been upto any naughtiness today to make us smile??

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxx

[Fellasmom]

Haha...when isn't Gracie being naughty?Let's see,she started her morning by eating all Buster's food!Its elevated but she was able to slide the dish with her paws and devoured it in seconds.Then,off to the beach where she played ball and then found a sandbar of sorts and rolled and rolled until she was covered with mud from head to toe.And just for good measure,she quickly ripped off the heads of a few flowers I had just planted as we were coming up the stairs to the house!:).My mother was visiting and shook her head,laughed and said"she is so much work!":D.Can you imagine this 7 yr old beast when she was a puppy?

I'm so happy you have off tomorrow!I'll prob catch you and Trish in the morning.Thanks for everything.I haven't heard from the doctor as he was on vacation and was supposed to email me at the end of this week to set up a time to call me on Monday,so nothing is confirmed.I will email him in the morning and see if we can set it up for sometime this week.To be honest,like you,I can talk here about how much I miss and love him,but not really ready to discuss details from beginning to end about the surgery,its still just too painful and hard to hear.The splenectomy is what really bothers me.From reading up on it,it really isn't an organ that they take a nodule from and biopsy it,they take the whole organ out.Its so vascular that it usually cant be resected if just a piece is taken and would run a huge risk of major bleed.In all fairness,I take responsibility for the misunderstanding.Being a nurse,he may have thought I knew better,but I didn't.His words were "the spot on the spleen looked really nasty when we got in there,so we are going to take it out and biopsy it".I would have asked a hundred ? had I realized the whole organ was being removed.And that is what I think truly killed him.However,after reading about splenic masses,whether they turn out to be malignant or benign,it is an absolute must to have splenectomy for any hope of survival.Benign tumors can grow larger and rupture spleen.Hard to say had I known,what I would have chosen.Big risk of bleeding with a splenectomy and I'm sure clot formation as well.If malignant,chemo is recommended and seems average time even after all that is under a year.If benign,full recovery can be expected.Had I said not to touch the spleen,I know in my heart he would have made it thru.However,as he was recovering from adrenal,we would be looking at ANOTHER major abdominal surgery to get that spleen out.And if maligant,it is such an extremely aggressive cancer and likely would have spread to others organs while we were waiting to have the surgery.What kind of quality of life would that have been for him?Even if it were benign,he would have ran the risk of it rupturing while he was recuperating from adrenal surgery.Seems like either way would had really not been a very good quality of life for him.So,I guess,it comes down to what they think happened after surgery,why the clot,why the resp/cardiac arrest and what did they remove from his stomach?

Very long winded,sorry,but I was just trying to explain the whole damn if you,damn if you don't feelings about the splenectomy!

Hope Gracie's antics put a smile on your face!We need to change our Fridays.I hate that a fun day is now so sad!Honestly,parts of everyday feel like a Friday!Hope Boyce is behaving and had a weekend.Talk to you in the morning!

[Mel-Tia]

Wow she can be a rotter! So glad you have her and all her naughtiness to keep you company. Boyce isn't as bad but his happy nature is a blessing to have around when I feel the way I do and I think it's the same for you and Gracie.

I don't think you should take responsibility for that. I don't think it's is anyones fault, they were calling you while he was under and you probably didn't have long to think or answer and from what you described. It was very much a damned if you do damned if you don't situation

Maybe you should email the questions you will be asking so he can have chance to think about his reponse, explain its still too tough and that you don't want an email reply to them you just what him to know what you will be asking...?

Hope you wake up feeling a bit better today...

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty, Hi Mel!

Your days are just starting while it is nearly bedtime for me and Monday is over! YAY! Just having my last cup of green tea!

I would think twice about even asking your questions Patty, maybe it will make you feel worse? I dunno, but don't rush yourself into it would be my advice. Like put it to one side until you feel strong enough to deal with it. You are starting to have some better days now, I would just hate for you to get so upset again.

Nice for you having a long weekend Mel, we do not have anymore of them for ages now... just a long cold, cold winter! A southerly is working it's way up the country, they come from Antarctica brrrrrrrrrrrrr. Woe is me! xx

[Fellasmom]

Hi
Nice to hear from you Mel and Trish.Enjoy your tea and sweet dreams Trish!I appreciate the advice from both of you.Great suggestions and I may just delay this a little while longer.I'm not emotionally ready to hear about that surgery.

I was shocked by the splenectomy when i discovered it had been performed and from all that I've read,removing the spleen when a mass is found is definitely the recommended treatment.But it also addded loads of potential complications to an otherwise uneventful surgey with the adrenals.

I usually have the attitude of being safe than sorry-hard to say what I would have chosen had I understood.How long,realistically,after an adrenalectomy,would a dog be able to undergo another abdominal surgery?I just wonder because he would def need to have had a splenectomy to remove that mass,no matter if it was benign or malignant.His post op period would include a fear that while he was recuperating,there would also be a risk of that spleen rupturing.

It's so difficult because had I waited,and he had splenectomy and it turned out to be malignant,it would have just been awful for him!Two back to back abdominal surgeries,chemo,likely mets, and then,on an average,survive a few months.But,if benign,it would be considered a cure.

So,the most painful question/answers are these....plenty of dogs survive spenectomy's,why didn't he,what went wrong?If he tells me the biopsy came back malignant,it would be a blessing from all that I've read because I knew what he would have had to face and his last days would not have been the great ones I remember.However,what will make me just absolutely heartbroken,is if it comes back benign.And THAT is what I'm not ready to hear and will bring me backwards,heartbroken,confused and full of regret.

[Trish]

Exactly what I was worried about for you too.

Just another thought I had, what did you consent to? Adrenalectomy and vena caval removal I presume, did they write down they would do other surgery if it was needed, if they didn't I would have thought they would have to ask you before proceeding to splenectomy? I had to sign a form stating what they were going to do for Flynn. He has a splenic nodule 0.3cm noted on his preop scan, they commented it was not likely malignant and during surgery they looked at the spleen and felt it was nothing to worry about. I guess we will have an update on that when he has his ultrasound on the 22nd.

Heading to bed now, have a good day Patty xx

[molly muffin]

Good Morning :)
Heading into work son but wanted to take a moment and say hello and that I am thinking of you. If you dont feel up totalking to surgeon and it doesnt sound like you are then definitely postpone.
Hope you havea goodday today
hugs
sharlene and molly muffin

[Mel-Tia]

Take it one day at a time if today is not the day to talk to him then so be it. Might be worth just mailing and asking for the biopsy results?

Are you and monster aka Gracie going out beach walking today? It's cloudy here and is going to rain. Typical bank holiday weather in the uk ;)

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel,Trish and Sharlene
Nice to hear from all of you!The weather here is warm,70's,but overcast but Grace and I will go out for a nice long walk soon.Her naught personality has been a lifesaver twice for me.Once when I lost Kelsey and now,after losing Fella.I owe her big time!:).She is snoozing beside me as she is a late sleeper,lazy bugger!:)

Trish-I was so frightened day of surgery,I don't remember details of what I signed!They were initially unconcerned with the spot on spleen just as Flynny's docs were,and no plans of doing anything with it.It was only during surgery,that they saw it and said it did not look good,think he described it as "yucky looking" so because of the appearance,it was recommended to be removed.I think they did ask,I seem to remember readily saying "oh yes,sure" thinking they meant just the spot to be removed.I couldn't even concentrate because I was absolutely elated to hear they didn't have to go near the vena cava and the adrenal tumor with thrombus came out so easily!!Yeah,I'm def not able to hear about this today and Mel,I just may request that the biopsy reports be mailed to me.

They obviously suspected malignancy for them to remove it and my friend Linda said because it didn't look good,there is a very good chance that it was malignant.I keep remembering the communicator telling me that Fella knew he was sick,alot sicker than anyone knew.While we were all focused and worried about adrenal cancer,if he were to have splenic cancer,what she said would certainly have been true.Thanks for all your advice as always.

[Mel-Tia]

When Boyce has his first mass removed I can remember the vet saying to me it looked bad so chances were it was cancer. And it was, I think they have seen a lot of these to know the difference...

This is where Tia and Grace have more in common she was a lazy mare too, whereas Boyce is up as soon as you are

[Fellasmom]

Hi Mel
Boyce sounds adorable!As you said,thankfully we have them because it may not feel like it some days,but I know having them to love provides a huge sense of comfort,particularly when you are grieving for a lost one.Boyce was like Fella in that he is an early riser!:).Must be the "girls" that are the lazy buggers and sleep in.:).

I do remember now that you mentioned in one of your threads quickly that Boyce had several surgeries or occurrences of cancer.Poor boy!-I'm hoping treatment was successful?.And yes,I do agree that they see things enough to know when something doesn't look good.In fact,as I've said,the spleen was referred to as "not a big deal" by them after viewing it on a CT.It was only when they got in there that they discovered it looked far worse than what they thought.I do have a feeling that it will come back as a malignancy and honestly,if that is the case,I have to be thankful that he lived up to his very last day with so much happiness.:).Not that I would have been so opposed to chemo,but knowing WITH it,he would live maybe a few MONTHS?As shocking and unexpected as his death was,it would have broke my heart to see him struggle,be sick and only have him for a few months after surviving such a big surgery!.And if it turns out benign,well,you'll hear me screaming from the UK!:).

I hope you enjoyed your day off and you and Boyce got to spend some quality time together.It's sunny here but still a little chilly.Grace has had no antics today to really give us a laugh but the day is young!:).I hope you are doing okay and thinking about you,Boyce and Tia!

[Fellasmom]

Btw,we did find a ball again today!:).BUT I do consider it a stolen one as it was right outside a house,by the fence.Gracie spotted it before I saw it.Despite me telling her that it belonged to some other dog,her face clearly said "finders keepers,mine,mine,mine"!:D:D.

[Mel-Tia]

Awesome she must think its Christmas every day finding all those balls.

I prefer a lie in myself, we loved our five more minutes in the morning, she knew exactly what I was saying!

I try and think we were lucky with Boyce. When he was 5 I took him in for shots and mentioned he had a skin tag on his inner right thigh. Dan the vet said it was just a tag but wrote in on his notes. I took him back next year and it had grown so I told him again, he said your right as he referred back and we arranged to cut it off.

Took him back that week as I hate stewing on these things and then got a call after surgery to say it wasn't a tag but a bloody great tumour which was mm away from his aterty. I just about nearly died. He didn't get chemo as doc didn't think it was needed but then he got testicular cancer! Lucky for him, we did Tia not him so we whipped them off! He didn't like me much after that one. He has a couple of other surgerys that year as he had other lumps which turned out to be fatty ones

Then the same year she was diagnosed with cushings we noticed a wart like lump on his side we keep an eye on it but he got a UTI so I told the vet he said it didn't look good so we whipped that off too

Fingers crossed he is ok now. So that's his story in a nutshell!

How are you both doing this afternoon, did you get a reply to your mail?

[Fellasmom]

Whew!!Poor Boyce has been through a lot,huh?Thankfully he has such a great mom who notices changes!Yes,fingers crossed for Boyce as that is certainly enough!Who would have thought a skin tag would turn out to be cancer!I do have to bring Gracie in as well but I just can't right now.Goldens get so lumpy-she does have one big soft moveable one that the vets have never been worried about.But those multiple cyst like things under her skin worry me.Though she just had her teeth cleaned and the during the exam,the vet noticed them and did not seem overly concerned.No one has ever really said much about them and before Fella,I guess I had a more positive,less worrying attitude.But now,I'm filled with dread and anxiety and think the worst since one day he was here and the next,he was gone.

I love your notes to Tia.I can feel all the love you pour into them.Sometimes it hurts me too much to write to Fella and other times,I feel like I need to.Of course,I feel guilty when I don't but I think of him all the time,somedays it just hurts too much to put it into words.I'm glad you enjoyed your day off-any day not working is nice!And yes,Gracie is accumulating quite the ball collection!:).

Oh,and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to write to the doctor today.But I will do so-your idea of an email kinda detailing what my issues are is what I may end up doing as he may need to check his record anyhow for the some of the answers.I'm going to try to make my way upstairs tonight.I've been trying the last couple of nights but just couldn't get up there.We had a whole ritual everynight of mom gettting treats and then Gracie running up the stairs ahead of me(of course)with Fella right behind me.A little play time for grace and buster and then Fella and I would snuggle and Grace and Buster would snuggle.So very different now as I'm sure you feel the same.

[Mel-Tia]

I still to this day don't know how a tag formed there but boy am I glad it did.

I know, the vet would have said something you would like to think. Just give it a bit more time, I do know exactly what you mean I dread having to deal with vets again in the future.

I have missed a couple of days recently but she is always on my mind too. I so wish none of this happened to us

Happy to read that email, you can private email here just click on my username. I sent you a mail should pop up top right corner private messages

Don't beat yourself up if you don't make it up there, the fact you all had a little ritual makes it harder. I used to leave the kitchen light on for Tia, took me 9 weeks to turn it off after I lost her

Big hug

Mel
Xxxx

[molly muffin]

Hugs Patty! Don't push it if you don't feel like it. Those stairs can look mighty long when you are grieving and every step brings back memories that you don't want to think about yet.
I know that one day you will walk up those stairs and Gracie and Buster will be right with you and you'll make a new routing and Fella will be right there with you in spirit, cheering you on.
But that day does not have to be today, it can be whenever you are ready.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Sharlene,
Thanks!It was the same thing everynight!Grace would practically push us out of the way because of course,dominant girl has to go first:).And Fella,always the gentlemen,would lag behind me and be so excited to reach the top cuz he knew he was getting treats!!Fella would then get under the covers and that's when Grace and Buster would start:).Fella was too funny-he would quickly come up and throw those covers off his head,look at them,do an aggggh as if to say"what the hell is going on?What's all this commotion,I'm trying to sleep!".They knew better than to argue with the 20lb chihuahua:).They would both retire to Gracie's bed and Fella would sigh as if to say "thank God I can sleep now":).Same thing,night after night.So hard to accept those parts of our lives have now changed.Grace and Buster are being good sports,staying down here with me every night because I know they would rather be upstairs.Gotta love them even more for staying with mommy!

[Mel-Tia]

At least she has the decency to stay with you! Boyce has gone to bed ;)

I can just see him chucking them a look as if to say shut it!

[Fellasmom]

Mel,
Boyce was very lucky!Now that I'm in panic mode,I will bring Grace in just to be checked in a few weeks when I can handle going to the vet again.She has had them for quite some time so I'm not beside myself with worry and if they felt really awful,I would think the vet would have been very concerned.Hate going to the vet too!

Know what you mean about the light being left on.If I had my way,I would never wash my sheets,just leave his hair on my pillow!Everything that belongs to them you just want to keep forever-something to hold on.I still can't go by his winter coat,without sniffing it and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.Ahh,just gotta remember the dance!:):).I want the time to fly so that this pain can dim but with each passing day,I feel furthur and furthur away from him-it feels like forever since he has been with us-I hate that!!Well,its nearing your bed time Mel-hope Tia visits you in your dreams and you wake up with a smile.Hugs to you and Boyce and so wonderful to talk with you.

[Mel-Tia]

I haven't moved any of her stuff, her lead is on the chair where it used to be. All her bits are strewn everywhere. Can't put them away.

I know, don't want to feel like this but would give your right arm to go back as time makes it seem like it wasn't real. I watch videos but they make me cry

Am gonna try to sleep soon, not in the mood for work tomorrow but have no choice. Hope you get some rest tonight soon. Will catch you tomorrow. Night night

Mel
Xxxxx

[Mel-Tia]

Morning

How you doing, sleep ok?

I got out of that visit so am pleased, so much work to do as it is without going out for a few hours

Sun is shining again today so I will try and sneak in a nice wander for Boyce. He has gone back to bed this morning, he gets sick of me on the phone I think!

Big hug

Mel
Xxxxx

[Trish]

Hi Patty

Wonder if you are upstairs sleeping tonight, if you are I hope you had a good night with memories of your wee Fella snuggling up with you. You and Mel should keep all their things about, I know I would!

I often wonder what I will do if Flynn ever (no don't want to think about it).. but he is my last pet standing, the two cats Simba and Nala both passed of renal failure in the last year or so. I often think of getting another dog. But the problem is during the day when I work, another pup would be too much for Mum and Dad. They manage well with Flynny as he is fairly sedate and well behaved now, he was a holy terror when younger though and was always escaping nearly giving them both heart attacks. They told me if I get another it would not be allowed to go to their house during the days!!! I had thought I could persuade them but with their own health problems lately it would not be fair to put pressure on them.

Flynn does like other dogs though, he has never been aggressive to any other dogs in his life so I think he would not mind, but he likes his life as the chosen one haha. He is cat aggressive though, so do not think it would be fair bringing another puss into the house just now. Oh well, we will just stay as we are for now, as he is going to be around for a long long time! xxxx

[Fellasmom]

Good morning!
I love waking up and seeing Mel and Trish posting all over!Hearing from the two of you makes my morning wonderful!:)I did sleep upstairs last night.I slept on "his" pillow,hair and all!I think I was so exhausted last night that it was much less uneventful than I imagined.I do fear those nights when you can't sleep,wide awake.Waking up I felt very sad,couldn't help but look over to my right and felt the pit in my stomach.I rushed downstairs to make the coffee.

I really need a pep talk regarding Gracie.My mind is not what it used to be since losing Fella so quickly and I know I have alot of anxiety and fears.I am consumed,absolutely consumed with the fear that those lumps are cancer and that she is dying.I feel her constantly and strangely enough,they do feel more prominent.Not larger so much but maybe she has less muscle mass or perhaps she has lost a few pounds so that they are easier to feel.She has less fat when I pet her lower half or something is just different.I'm trying to find explanations that can calm myself before I have a heart attack as I was crying last night thinking about losing her too!The past month or so have been stressful for us both.I have changed her food from a higher end kibble to home cooked meals.Perhaps I'm not feeding her enough,or it's not nutritious enough?We also have been out and about much more,hiking,walking longer,running on the beach.Could it be that she has lost a few pounds and that's why they feel more prominent?One of my best friends is coming up next month from Texas and will be staying in the area for the summer.I'm trying to wait for her as I just can't go to the vet right now.

Mel-I'm so glad you got to stay home for a bit today!Boyce must love that-I hate leaving them to go to work!Hope you enjoyed your walk in the sunshine as it is shining brightly here as well!

Trish-Flynny will be here for quite some time.I always said it wouldn't be fair to get another dog when I had Kelsey and that she would feel left out.Never would I have gotton one had it not been for rescuing Fella and not being able to find a home for him.We ended up keeping him and I think they really enjoyed one another,much to my surprise!But,it can be so difficult to have to work,care for a dog will an illness and then find the extra time and attention to devote to another!I'm lucky that I have a great dog walker around the corner from my house.They have doggie day care at their house and they also come and walk the pups.I never could have worked such long hours without them!Wonderful to hear from you and Mel this morning!!

[Fellasmom]

As I was sitting here worrying,I just remember that Gracie came back positive for Lyme during her preop workup for her dental cleaning.I remember at the time,I thought that was the worst news ever but then I brought Fella in.She did take antibiotics for 10days and she was to be rechecked in a month or so.Wonder if that could have anything to do with her seemingly "different" feel when I pet her.Don't know how she got Lyme as I use the stuff on her but we have had a very early tick season.Only thing I know about Lyme is it can cause lameness,which she does not have thankfully but it may cause wt loss or redistribution of fat,or something that I'm feeling but can't describe very well!Guess I'm just desperate to find that there could be a perfectly good explanation of why lumps are not bigger but feel more prominent,other than cancer!Thanks for listening again-if she is sick,you can visit me at the psychiatric hospital where I will be residing!!

[Trish]

Haha well that will be interesting, all of us popping into the psych ward to visit you. They will probably want to admit the rest of us too, because if you are going crazy we will all be in the beds alongside you as we all intermittently have the same symptoms!!!

I do not even know what lyme disease is, never heard of it here. Will have to google.

Now I want you to consider my proposition before dismissing it!! How can going to the vet be worse than your current state of panic and anxiety over Gracie. You know in your head it is most likely nothing, I think you need to put yourself in control (not your fears), make an appointment and get in there and get her seen. I know you can do it, it IS going to make you feel sad about Fella going back to a vet. BUT in saying that, you are getting yourself all worked up about a big ole, "what if......?" so get in there and make yourself do it! This way, you will get over the fear of going to vet (WIN) and get yourself relief from the worry over Gracie (WIN WIN!)

[Mel-Tia]

Hey there

Am supposed to be doing a report but I couldn't not post a quick reply. A lot of lumps are fatty ones which they do seem to get when they are older. Maybe you could just speak to your vet on the phone and ask what his thoughts were from when he saw her to put your mind at rest? Then maybe next week you will feel stronger. Trish is right though the what if tortue is probably worst then just making the appointment and going

It is perfectly logical that if you have changed foods and been doing more she would have lost weight, did you get her weighed when she went in? Did she need to lose a few lbs?

Maybe you should up her portion if you think she is running a bit under. It will be ok, I know it's tough, I look at Boyce and wonder all the time