I lost my dog to a Pheochromocytoma - hoping for answers

[ElliBU]

Hi all, I am new here and it is good to find a place where others have gone through what I have been through in the past week.

The love of my life, my 10 1/2 year old Dobbie mix, died a week ago from pheochromocytoma. She was gone within a couple of hours. It happened so quickly.

I am desperately trying to understand what she was going through and if anyone has had a similar experience with such quick and sudden onset of symptoms - high blood pressure, heartbeat, panting? She passed away in the emergency room.

Kim (frijoles) on this forum, I saw you posted about forums where humans talk about what they're experiencing during episodes of pheo-like adrenal attack. Can you please point me to those? Thank you so much.

She is gone now, and I'm trying to get answers on what she was experiencing. If anyone can offer insights, please do. It would truly help. Thank you all and may your hearts have peace.

Elli

[labblab]

Dear Elli,

I am so sorry for your loss. I saw that you had posted this reply on another member's thread, and I have taken the liberty of moving it here so as to create a new thread that is your very own. Welcome to you, even under such sad circumstances. I hope you will be able to get some of the answers you are seeking.

Sending many hugs your way,
Marianne

[frijole]

Elli,

My Annie had a pheo. If your baby went quickly I would guess it was from heart failure but obviously I have no idea.

There is so little known about pheo's because they are usually not discovered until after death. That is because they (tumors) are not always active. So most of the time the dog is acting normally then the tremors/shakes come on. YOu go to the vet and they think you've lost your mind because they do an exam and the dog is very alert, happy and healthy. trust me... been there.

I do not remember the forum. If I find it I'll link it. I can tell you from what I read pheo's in humans are very very often misdiagnosed and people (just like our dogs) go to the doctors office and they check out normal but meanwhile they have all these issues such as shakes, sweats, appetite swings and when they have an episode they say they can literally feel their blood vessels enlarge to let the blood flow from the heart to the brain. They get headaches from it, they sweat and they are exhausted when it passes - often within minutes. They are so relieved when diagnosed because they were starting to lose their minds with all the drugs they tried for illnesses they never had.

I share because you seem to really want to know. I feel compelled to add - do NOT feel guilty for not knowing - it took me over a year to figure out what was wrong with my dog... went thru many vets and finally to a vet teaching school where they figured it out. That's why I wrote a book/novella documenting Annie's journey... hoping that others can learn from our experience. I loved her so and still miss her. So I know the sense of loss you must now feel. Sending love, Kim

[frijole]

Here you go. I hope it gives you information you seek. God bless. Kim



http://www.carepages.com/forums/health-conditions/topics/253-pheochromocytoma-adrenal-gland-rare-tumor


http://www.medicinenet.com/pheochromocytoma/discussion-264.htm

http://www.pheochromocytoma.org./

[scoora]

Elli-I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs to you.

[molly muffin]

oh my goodness. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. :(

Kim of course has been through the experience of searching down a diagnosis for her furbaby who had a pheo. We just had a member go through surgery for an adrenal tumor that turned out to be a pheo. They are like the secretive tumor on the adrenal glands. You just don't know they are there most of the time till it is too late. :(

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Trish]

Gosh this is sad to read, my thoughts are with you during this awful time. What a shock for you. I wonder how they diagnosed the pheo? I don't know what is worse, when they go so fast so they do not have time to suffer or if you have time to prepare yourself grieving all along, both awful in my opinion.

My dog had a pheo removed surgically last month. His was diagnosed with scan and he had high BP, but it was only definitely found out to be a pheo when they tested it after removal.

My vet told me that often they do not get diagnosed with this type of tumour until after death, some such as my dog may have had it for a long time before it started causing trouble. The tumour secretes catchecholamines such as adrenaline, so they can get a surge of those hormones which can overwhelm their little systems. He also told me they often only present with a collapse and there was no way for their owners to know they even had this tumour.

My dog had one collapse which we now think was due to his pheo tumour, before that we did not even realise he was sick. He was close to dying, but they managed to save him with IV fluids etc. He went very flat, very quickly and thankfully I do not think he was aware of much at that time. So I hope the same happened for your dog and she would have been unaware of the heartbreak she left you with while she drifted off remembering all the love you gave her during her lifetime.

Lots of hugs for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Trish

[gummysmurf]

Hi Elli,

I hope you are doing ok. Please don't torture yourself with thoughts of what your dog was going through at the end, or what you could have done differently. These things happen, and ten years is a ripe old age for a large dog. I believe that when they get really sick like that our guys are really out of it. I had to euthanize the love of my life a couple of weeks ago and looking back I wonder too what he was going through with the cancer and the chemo, and how bad he felt the last two days. Did I wait too long? Did he suffer needlessly? Should I have not done the chemo? I try to head those thoughts off and tell myself that for ten whole years my guy lived life to the fullest, and the sick times near the end were fleeting.

I know your story is different, and it was completely sudden, and I'll bet your sweetie was beyond awareness when if/when it started to get really bad. Regardless, I'm sure you loved your baby and treated him well his whole life. Don't torture yourself.

[ElliBU]

Gummysmurf, thank you for the kind words. I feel like I am starting to lose myself in sorrow. It is so difficult.

What kills me the most is exactly what you're saying - what she went through at the end with the phoechromocytoma episode.

Dear Frijoles, what were your pooch's symptoms while he was going through these attacks? How quickly did they pass?

She did have a great life. I used to take her everywhere with me - especially the horses. She loved the horses. I remembered I took her twice in November and I'm glad I did. She was so loved everyone, including my mother, kept telling me I put her first always. Except at the end I feel I could have done better by her to prevent her pheo attack - very high blood pressure and heart rate.

The first vet visit before the attack ensued they gave her 16 mg of Torbutrol. Does anyone know anything about this drug? I wonder if it would have made it easier on her that she was on it before she passed. They also told me she fell asleep finally and relaxed, I guess that's from the attack passing or the blood pressure pill that was later given to her at the ER. I don't know and never will. I just hope that the Torbutrol made it easier.

Please let me know your thoughts and thank you for the support. I can't express how much it means to me.

Elli

[frijole]

Ah Elli, I can tell you loved your little girl so much. I also am sure you did everything possible to make her life comfortable. Pheo's come and go and my Annie's episodes started out as just seconds long and over the years got longer - but they were never for extended periods of time. Her main symptoms were shaking all over, sweating, her skin turned bright pink and rapid breathing. Then when it passed she laid peacefully and slept - I think it tired her. She never cried out in pain or anything like that.

I never used that drug but it seems it probably allowed your girl to relax and with that I am sure she passed very peacefully. I am pretty sure there is nothing you could have done to prevent the last attack. Keep in mind most pheos are not diagnosed until after the dog has passed you and I at least knew ahead of time. With time hopefully there will be more known about them.

I hope I have helped a bit. Sending love, Kim

[labblab]

Dear Elli,

Hello again from me! I am hoping very much that in addition to posting on this thread, some day you may also decide to start a new thread for your dog on our special "In Loving Memory" forum:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=8

I know it may feel very hard to write about her now, but we would love to know more about her and your lives together. We cannot ease your pain over losing her, but we can join you in honoring her and celebrating all that she means to you. So if it would ever be a comfort to share more of her life's story with us, it would be our privilege to read anything you would care to write. We have several members right now who are suffering through early days of loss, and our arms are wide open as we hold one another up. It is a circle of support. And that is the beauty of a circle -- there is always room for another family member to step right in!

Marianne

[ElliBU]

Thank you so much as always for the kind and comforting words, Marianne. I have spoken to her vet again and it looks like her sickness happened so quickly and she was gone overnight and they don't think there is much that could have been done when things happen so quickly. I am glad I brought her home between the two ER visits during that night. That way she had two comforting hours with me in the comfort of her own home.

She had a beautiful long life with me and will always be with me. She is the love of my life. She was almost 11 years old Dobbie mix. People tell me if she had no sign of being sick and held so strong until the very end, that she had a very good life. She is now free to go to Heaven and play with her friends there knowing that mommy will always be with her and love her. I'm so grateful that I took her to play with the horses a couple of times last year and twice in November. She loved being with the horses and would lay near their water buckets and bark at them if they came close. I took her to the beach and so many parks where she would play with doggie friends. She liked to lay outside on the balcony and watch other doggies pass by and bark at them :).. Lately, she would also reach out to me while we were both relaxing on the couch at home and look me in the eyes and I would hug her. I think she was telling me she was going to leave soon. I had her since she was 8 weeks old. And she will always and forever be the love of my life and she is now happy and content and peaceful playing in Heaven with the doggies and the horses and my grandmother up there is watching over her. She knows I will be with her again. Hope every one of you, knowing what you're going through, knows that they are now free in peace watching over us. Love never dies. Thank you so much for the comfort and allowing me to speak from my heart here where we all share so much with our loss and love. You have given your animals love and there is no greater gift than that. Peace be with you all and love!

[milosmom]

hi there elli !!! i just read your story about your forever baby.know that you did indeed give her a loving,playful,sweet 11 years with you.i am so sure you have many fond,funny memories of your precious little girl.we are all here to support,comfort and share stories about our babies.if and when you feel up to it we would love to hear more stories about your little girl.wishing you much peace...patty(milo)meka xoxox

[Megan]

Reading your story on here, it does make me wonder about my girl - we were never medically diagnosed with cushings via the usual collection of blood tests, but just clinically, from her symptoms, as I had chosen not to medicate anyway. Reading all this makes me wonder.

Do dogs with this type of tumour present similar symptoms to cushings, only sporadically? My Kel presented some cushings symptoms but never the key ones of drinking or eating excessively, and no pot belly, and a lot of her other symptoms came and went without rhyme nor reason, but died very abruptly of heart failure only a week ago - could she have suffered from this? We never had any scans to know where (or if) the tumour was.

My girl went down over mere minutes, from (what I thought was) normal cushings panting, to breathing strangely, to unconsciousness and then death. It was a comfort to know she didn't suffer.

[ElliBU]

Gummysmurf, I have been reading about what you went through for a year to fight for Baxter's health and it has warmed my heart, broken my heart and made me cry. You did everything for him. What I don't understand is how my baby was gone so quickly. She only had the peeing/drinking excessively symptoms for a couple of days, threw up a couple of times, started heavy panting thursday night and by Friday morning she was gone. They found a mass aroung her kidney near the adrenal gland and the vet believes it was pheo but how can it happen so quickly? I am so heartbroken. Has anyone ever experienced this, where it just happens so fast?

[lulusmom]

Hello Elli and a belated welcome to you.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It's difficult enough to come to grips with the loss of a loved one who has been in decline for quite some time but a sudden death, while preferrable to long term suffering, is not easy on us pet owners who are trying to come to grips with such a devastating loss.

I've done quite a bit of reading about pheochromocytomas and while a good number of sources say they are rare, another very expert source says that pheos are discovered in a very high number of dogs upon necropsy. Not all pheos are functional so a good number of those dogs never showed any clinical signs of excess catecholamines but when they do, they can be chronically intermittent, like Kim's beloved Annie, or it can come on like gangbusters and cause huge blood pressure elevations. If your baby girl had a functional pheo, based on what I've read and the sudden onset of symptoms, there is good reason to believe that acute hypertension is a likely cause of death. Dogs with cushing's can have hypertension but it is the hallmark symptom of a pheo brought on by the excess catecholamines. Severe hypertension can cause cardiac arrythmias that will cause sudden collapse and death.

The only way to determine the cause of death would have been by necropsy. You mentioned that your vet found a mass on the kidneys near the adrenal glands. Did he find this on imaging or did he do a necropsy? Pheos can be malignant and do matastacize to other organs and unfortunately, unless you have a crystal ball, there is really no way to predict when or if the spread/progression of the tumor will cause physiological changes, causing overt symptoms.

Dr. Mark Peterson, a renown and very well published endocrine specialist, has a blog for pet owners and veterinarians wherein you can ask questions and he's very likely to answer them. Why don't you subscribe to his blog and ask his opinion based on your pup's sudden onset of symptoms and sudden death. I've included a link to his blog below:

http://www.drmarkepeterson.com/animal-endocrine-blog/

I sincerely hope you find the answers you are looking for and I also hope we've been able to help ease the pain of your loss just a bit by sharing our personal experiences and not so expert opinions. The endocrine system is amazingly complex and in the big picture, we're all pretty ignorant as to our ability to explain it and know what the heck we're talking about but we'll never stop giving it our best shot. :) In my experience, it's easier to hit your head against the wall until your brains are scrambled than it is to wrap it around how the endocrine system works. The phrase "knowing just enough to be dangerous" comes to mind. :D:p:D

Glynda

[ElliBU]

It's been a month. And my grief is so profound. I miss my baby so much.

I have also wondered. Trish asked earlier in this thread how they found out it was pheo? I actually don't know. That is what the ER vet said in the report because she saw a mass near her kidney/adrenal gland when she did the XRay. But the vet owner of the ER whom I also spoke to told me the other vet could not have known for sure that it was pheo without an autopsy. My baby was also peeing and drinking water excessively in the last days and the very last day when she died she was panting. So i'm wondering, was it really pheo or could it have been some manifestation of acute cushing or renal failure. She also had very high blood pressure when they ran her diagnostics. Is it possible it wasn't pheo. Could the spike in BP have been caused by the adrenal tumor, maybe (if that was the case) kidney failure..just wondering if there could be any other explanation for the high blood pressure. I had never seen any pheo symptoms in her before - what are they panting, trembling? She never had those unless they happened at a time when I was not around her. Just wondering if it's possible it wasn't pheo and if the ER vet can be so certain without an autopsy. I would appreciate if anyone could share thoughts on this. I wish I had done something for my baby sooner. I miss her more than words can express and I am so so sad and cry all the time. Thank you all for any thoughts you can share..:(

[labblab]

My heart goes out to you at this first month's anniversary of your loss. I see that you are still being haunted by so many unanswered questions, and that saddens me so much because I fear that there really are no answers for some of your questions now that your dear girl is gone. It really is impossible for us to know exactly what was going on with her and what ultimately caused her death. And so I believe the struggle for you now may be to try to move beyond those questions that are consuming your thoughts and your energy, and instead focus your strength upon your pain over her death and the emptiness she has left in your life. But that hurts so much and is so hard to do. :( :(

I myself often use the word "healing" when I speak about the aftermath of loss. But sometimes it is not the right word at all because sometimes there really is no way to heal from wounds that cut too deeply. But you do need to find a way to live with the pain and to go on with your own life. We are here to help in any way we can. This is one of the reasons why I am encouraging you to start a thread on our "In Loving Memory" forum. I don't know yet whether you have done any reading there. But it is a special and sacred place where we all support one another in our pain. And it is a place where we pay tribute to our babies and we cherish all the gifts that they have given us. One of the threads on that forum lists other websites and resources that can provide support and companionship as well:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

My own experience has been that if I let unanswerable questions gnaw away at me for too long, I end up trapped in a dark and lonely place filled with my own guilt. It is easier for me to say this to you than it is for me to accept myself when it comes to my own "mistakes" :o -- but I hope you will find a way to release yourself from guilt over actions taken or not taken. You loved your baby dearly, and the decisions you made were based on that love. Things did not turn out as you had hoped and prayed. But that doesn't change your love and it never will. And that was the gift you gave your girl her entire life.

Sending you many hugs of comfort,
Marianne

[ElliBU]

Thanks for your kind words, Marianne. I will look into joining the "In Loving Memory" Forum. Yes, I love my girl so deeply and I know she had a great life with me. She knew she was loved every day. I find solace in the fact that she wasn't sick for a long time and had a great quality of life until her last day when she crashed overnight and it was all over. I am so grateful I was there for it rather than it happening when I wasn't home since it really happened so suddenly in a matter of hours.
I also have a picture of her when my mother was visiting with both of them on the beach and a rainbow behind them over the water. It was taken on my baby's 10th birthday last April. I should post it it is beautiful. She in now playing with her friends on the other side of the rainbow knowing that she will be loved forever. Thanks so much for the support.

[Trish]

Hi - I to hope you can stop feeling bad about what actually happened and can focus on your beautiful dog, I would so love to see that pic of the rainbow it sounds so special :)

What a lovely post Marianne, brought tears to my eyes and so very true what you wrote. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ElliBU]

Kim, it has been a while since I've posted as I have been working through my grief.

I have read a lot about pheo in the past few weeks and believe my baby had the latter Glynda (lulusmom) mentioned - a sudden onset of symptoms - she was panting a lot and was weak. She had also vomitted the night she died. I still blame myself for not reacting quicker and putting her to sleep early that night. It's been an awful guilt trip. That she had to die on her own early in the morning in the ER. I was waiting outside to be discharged and take her to an ultrasound clinic when shortly thereafter they told me she had slipped away after having fallen asleep.

Wanted to ask you - did Annie pant during her episodes, did she have an elevated heart rate? Also, do you think these pheo attacks are painful? Her heart rate and blood pressure were high. I hope and pray she was not in great discomfort. Still hurting so much for her sudden passing.

I will soon join the "In Loving Memory" thread. I'm sure I will find a lot of comfort from other wonderful, loving and grieving mommies.

Elli

[frijole]

I'll try my best to answer but as you know I'm just guessing based on Annie's nonverbals to me. Absolutely she had an elevated heart rate and her panting was so fast I couldn't replicate it myself ( I tried). They would come and last a minute or two then end.

Annie always had a huge smile on her face when they were over with and then she'd nap so I assume they zapped her energy a bit. Whether she had a headache I have no idea but if it was painful I didn't notice. I never heard her cry, wince, whine - not once.

I suspect your babe went quickly and without pain. Don't be hard on yourself - these are so rare that most vets have never heard of them. You can't expect yourself to have known or prevented this. I look at it that your babe decided to spare you of what would have been a very difficult stressful decision.

Sending love and healing thoughts, Kim

[ElliBU]

Thank you for the comforting words, Kim. Yes I say to myself the same thing - that she chose when to go on her own terms.

Hugs,
Elli

[ElliBU]

Hi everyone, I'm coming back after some time hoping for some words of comfort. It has been almost three months since my baby suddenly died in one night. She was the love of my life, my baby, my joy.. and what is killing me is that she died in an emergency room 3 hours after I took her there and I wasn't with her..It was such a turbulent night, everything happening so quickly, how was i to know/think my baby was going to die.. why didn't i ask to go in and see her???? the whole time i was pacing back and forth outside the ER, losing my mind worrying, waiting to pick her up and take her right to an ultrasound specialist..Why didn't I go and see her??? How does one live with that? Has anyone experienced the same pain? This has been the most difficult time of my life. That she died without me after 11 years of being inseparable. It breaks my heart what she was thinking in those last moments...Without me there. This hurts so much.. Please help.. THanks

[addy]

My heart breaks in two reading this plea. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I try to picture if it were me and my Zoe and I feel your anquish as if it were my own.

I do know that when we relinquish control of our beloved pups to someone in the medical profession, we are doing just that, reliquishing control. We cannot be guaranteed an outcome.

How could you have known what was to be the final outcome? Would they have allowed you even to see your baby?

Sometimes, I wonder which is worse, a sudden, unexpected death occuring or a long drawn out demise. Both bring such pain and heartache.

For 11 years you shared a strong bond that most likely, you will never share again in that same way. We mourn the loss as we would any human loss, some people tell me, it is even greater for them.

I cant take away your pain and I wish I could wipe away the heartache and your tears and I wish I could see you smile in remembrance of those special 11 years, but I cannot.

So please know that we are always here to share your pain, share your heartache, listen to you and hug you and keep you close and dear until that day when again the precious memory will be close to your heart without this agonizing pain and we will be here for you for however long that takes.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[Boriss McCall]

Hi.. so sorry for you pain. I know exactly what you are going thru. Only my dog was 4 years old & got meningitis. so, it wasnt over night & sudden. He lived a month or so after he got it & we watched him get really sick & better & then over night a drastic change.
My baby died alone in the ER as well. It hurt so bad to think of them alone. My husband was walking in the door to go see him right as he was dying. He didn't even make it there in time. It was horrible.. That was almost 3 years ago. I will never forget the sadness.. He was my sweet baby boy.
But, your heart will heal & you will start remembering the good times. You can not let yourself feel guilty for not being there. You had no way of knowing & doing only what you & the vets thought was best for
your pup.
I am so sorry for your loss.. I know the pain is very heavy. :(

hugs to you..

[molly muffin]

I wish I too could take away your pain. Grief can be so over whelming and especially losing your precious companion while you weren't there. I think it is worse when you can't be with them. Your heart just says, no, they can't be gone. When you are there at least you can say goodbye.

I had that happen with my cat, my dog I was with. My cat went in to be checked out and was put on IV fluids for an overnight, and I expected to pick him up the next morning. It didn't happen, instead they called and said he passed away during the night. That was heart breaking and I didn't get out of bed for about 2 days. My dog (who was the constant companion to my cat, they grew up together) passed a couple months later. It was a bad year.

I think I must have grieved for at least a year, just feeling sad.

I think time is all that helps, and it's going to be different for everyone. You will never stop missing your baby, but you will be able to do so eventually without the sharp pain that is currently in your heart. One day you will be able to remember the great times without being as overwhelmed.

We are all here, any time you want to chat, or tell us stories about you and your baby. We'll listen and we'll share your heart ache because most of us have been there too.

hugs,
Sharlene

[doxiesrock912]

Elli, please don't do this to yourself! As I read your posts I'm bawling my eyes out.

We're not mind readers, but we know our furlets.

You took her to the ER and that was the right thing to do. As it is with humans, it is best to stay out of the way and let the experts do what they can. You did that and the chances are that you might have hindered their work had you been in there.

If it were a good idea or feasable for you to be in the room when they treated her, they would've invited you to do so.
We had two emergency room visits with Daisy Mae in her lifetime and I wasn't allowed in the room for either of them. In hindsight, that was probably best because I was a complete mess and Daisy would've sensed that and been more frightened.

She knew that you loved her. That I have no doubt about.

I've always had pets and the pain of losing one is excruciating.
Please don't let yourself give into the guilt. It's unfounded and you have nothing to blame yourself for.

[Bo's Mom]

My heart just feels your pain. I am so sorry that you are having to suffer through this. I asked myself time and time again, which is easier...knowing the time that it will happen so you can prepare. Or not knowing and it being sudden. I don't think any one is better than the other because they both have the same devastating consequence. I was told that my Angel had 6 more months. He didn't make it that long but those last few months were not any easier knowing what was about to happen. Yes, I did spend all my days loving him like I could love him no more but it would not have been any different because I loved my Angel Bo like that everyday anyway. Which I know you shared that same love for your baby.
I pray everyday that one day those memories of me saying good-bye will be gone and the new memories of the hugs and kisses he used to wake me up with will replace them. I know it will happen one day and it will happen with you one day too.
Please know there are so many here for you to come and share your stories of your Angel. We have huge hearts and healing words to help comfort you at this terrible time. Please always remember that.

[Wally P's Mom]

Hello:

When I lost my Wally, it was due to one of these types of tumors. I was never given the big name, but after reading about each of these cases, I know now what it was.

Wally had 1 memorable episode in which he pawed my arm and passed out (Like he fainted.). We got him to come to and rushed him to the ER. We thought it was an Addison's crisis. Until he got week almost a month later. Through US, we learned of his tumor. He grew anxious that night and we decided to help him pass the next morning. I don't think he suffered. Our vets (including the ER vet) recommended that we put him down because of how much of his heart was blocked (90%) and it was surgically inoperable.

He left a hole in our heart just like your furbaby did. The grief is awful and I feel for you. Your girl knew she was loved and in the end, you did everything you could of. It is best to think about the happier times the two of you shared. I try not to remember that last night and the pain that followed.

Marge

[ElliBU]

does it ever get any easier? it's been four months since i lost her. i'm on dangerous medications, seeing professionals, going to support groups and have called support hotlines. i cry every day for her and i scream. there is no way to describe how profound the pain is and how deeply i miss her. does the pain ever go away? and will she ever forgive me?

[doxiesrock912]

Elli,
if you have the time. Volunteer somewhere that you can work with animals. This won't replace your pup, but it will be a constructive way of honoring her and sharing your love with others who need it here on Earth.

You need something positive to occupy your time and you obviously love animals.

She's in Heaven, pain free and healthy again. There is nothing to forgive.

[molly muffin]

What you went through and the loss the way it occurred is very traumatic for you. I suppose in time, the pain is not sharp and you'll find eventually there are times when you remember something funny and loving and have a smile, usually before the tears come again. Those moments do become more frequent though and I hope at some point, the pain is overshadowed by the good memories.
We are here, anytime, usually someone will be around, if you need to talk, to vent, to cry. With member all over the world, even in the middle of the night someone will be in and out.

Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Fellasmom]

Elli,
I just read your posts with tears in my eyes.I'm so sorry that you tragically lost your girl.I'm really not good with words and my pain is still very new but I thought I would share my story and maybe it would help you find even a sliver of peace.

I just lost my 12yr old baby boy,Fella,two weeks ago today.In a nutshell,he had some slight symptoms,thought it might be Cushings/diabetes,had an US which showed an adrenal tumor,extending into the vena cava with a blood clot.It was then that I stumbled onto this site.Brought him to a specialist,more testing,tumor was tiny,he was "lucky" and 80%-90% chance of successful surgery.Sailed through the surgery-was ecstatic,told and called everyone!Went up to see him that night,he looked awful-still have the image of him with the tubes,drips,catheter and bloody incision.A rollercoaster of activity occurred once I left that night.He went into resp arrest overnight,they revived him,then his urine output was low,they discovered he had a clot by his kidney, I agreed to dialysis temporarily if need be,and his breathing was reported to be improving.Kept praying all the way up there(2hrs) and JUST as I was coming up the hill to the parking lot,I got a call from the vet who said"We were just ready to mobilize the dialysis unit and his breathing had gotton so much better,but he went into cardiac arrest-we have a team surrounding him and have revived him,but you need to tell us to STOP".I'm sobbing as I write this,its still so raw.

I tortured myself and still do sometimes.He died without me.He was the love of my life and I let him down.I felt he died feeling betrayed by me,kept thinking his last thought was why isn't she here??I questioned the surgery I had decided tho I was between a rock and a hard place because of the invasive tumor and the blood clot that could have killed him instantly.I couldn't sleep,eat-I was in a state of shock and felt so much heartache and shame and regret.

I'm sharing this not to open up wounds but to share what has made me feel a tiny bit better.I talked about it with so many good friends and poured my heart out here.Everyday,several times per day.It helped.My friend gave me a "gift" and set up a phone consultation with an animal communicator. I can't say it was a "fix" but what she said made me look at things in a slightly different way.I felt immense relief after speaking with her.She pointed out that I was always telling Fella I didn't want to SEE him suffer or be sick.He KNEW that and he didn't want me to SEE him.I do believe he spared me and it made me love this beautiful even more!She reminded me that he died with caring,nurturing hands.And that was true,as the doctor had tears in her eyes.He died feeling loved.One of the greatest comforts was when my gf pointed out to me the extraordinary senses our babies possess.Like how they can smell a dog a few blocks away.Think about how they are now used as cadavar dogs,drug sniffing dogs and can even detect tumors.Point being,I WAS there,just a hallway and a few doors away.And if my baby could smell another dog a block away,well,he certainly knew his mommy was there and so did your baby.When I started to look at things a little differently,it really did help.Now some days nothing works and I can easily go right into the self torturing but for my own sanity,I force myself to go back and remember what was pointed out to me.That little guy was smart and so was your girl!I don't think I could have handled seeing him in that condition,and he knew it.If it weren't for him,I never would have found this site.The love and support here have been a lifeline to me.And I have him to thank for that!.I swear,he knew I was alone,have very little people to talk to and he made sure I would never be alone again!This amazing little boy did all that for ME!

I know this is very long and I'm rambling but try to sort thru things and maybe you too can find a way to look at things with a different perspective.It does help-I couldn't even stand to be in my own skin.It's still a struggle with lots of sobbing but the guilt and torture occurs less frequently and it's made room for me to begin thinking of all that wonderful love we shared for 10 1/2 years!

Hope you find some peace.
Patty

[Trish]

Elli, you do not have to wait for her to forgive you, she already has my sweet. But what you do need to do is forgive yourself, you did not fail her. I am glad you are going to counselling so you can work this through with a professional, it sounds like you are torturing yourself. You need to find a way to get through this awful stage and then you can start remembering the happy times you spent together with a smile instead of a tear. Big hugs!

[Scarlett'sdad]

Elli, I have kicked myself many times and cried many tears for not having been smarter and/or more intuitive during the three and a half year's journey that started with a mistaken diagnosis of Scarlett of Cushing's and ended with her sudden death from GME, after her kidney disease, IBD, and pancreatitis were all under good control, and she had just expereinced a wonderful month. The fact is that you are treating yourself like you left your baby in a hot car while you went shoe shopping on a summer day; what actually happened was a sad outcome following a loving, logical decision. You never know how these tough choices will go - if we had caught the GME earlier and instituted aggressive treatment, Scarlett might have succumbed to a kidney infection much earlier than her death from GME. You never get the chance to rewind time and see how things would go. I am sure that your baby is heartbroken to see your life of love together reduced to a horrible feeling of guilt like this, and if you could be reunited for an hour would let you know that the happy times were what should linger in your thoughts. I wish you find the peace of mind you deserve.

[ElliBU]

Hi everyone, i have come back here for some comfort and solace. Reading through your kind and heartfelt posts made me cry.

I miss my baby so much and I still cry for her every day. Please tell me doggies go to Heaven and that I will see her again. And is it ok to speak to an animal communicator? Patty, thanks for sharing your experience, I'd like to do that too. Your story made me cry...

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Elli,

Let me tell you what I believe...and I believe this with all my being.

So often we are taught that humans are the only species with a soul, with a part of their Creator. I can't accept that because of what I have seen and felt. Nor can I accept that a loving Creator would create such marvelous creatures as populate this planet with the intent that they simply end when their bodies do. No. Instead I believe every living thing possess a part of that Creator, that we are all tied together in one huge entity that lives for all time. I don't understand string theory but that is kind of how I see this - filaments that tie us all together, filaments that can never, ever be severed.

When we make a connection during our lives with someone, animals included, that filament changes a little bit, maybe the color or texture, to make it unique to those connected by it. When these bodies fail, we follow that filament to those we love, it pulls us to each other once again in our new forms. That little string never fails us, it never fades or weakens no matter what happens to the physical body. Through that eternal connection, we can sometimes feel those who have gone before still by our sides. We may get little signs that we, in our own hearts, know is from our loved one on the other side. It may be white feathers floating down from nowhere, a dream, a flower that should not be blooming, the look in the eyes of another pet we meet - something that tells us that loved one is still present.

I know so well the longing to join those who have gone before, to hold them once again. But I also believe that we each have a job to do here and until that job is done, we will remain here. We may question, even rail against, the timing for some we lose but I still believe their job was truly done here and that they wait for us on the other side, always watching over us with love.

When that day comes that we do leave this old Earth, as our feet Dance across the Divide, we will see the faces of those we love waiting at the end. We will hear their songs and laughter as they greet us with joy. We will hold them in our arms again, we will smother their faces with kisses again, we will Dance together again. And we will be together until time ceases.

I find so much peace and so many answers in Nature. Watching the Seasons change I know in my Soul that just as the leaves return each Spring, as the birds and animals breed and bring forth new life, as the flowers bloom, die, and bloom again the next year, that we, too, will live again. Our forms may change but those connections never do, that little filament will never fail to keep us connected.

So, yes, I believe with all my heart that you will see Eli again, that he is waiting for you in Heaven.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[goldengirl88]

Could you please give me all the information you have learned about this type of tumor in case this is what my precious Tipper has? I would appreciate all you have learned about it. God Bless you and your baby that has passed.
Patti

[doxiesrock912]

Elli,
here is my belief. Animals are the only creatures on earth capable of unconditional love. If humans go to Heaven, beings that possess this much love absolutely go there as well.

[knitbunnie]

Dear Elli, I hope things are going better for you. My dear Pia died less than two weeks ago, and the pain is so bad, I can hardly stand it, and it seems like it's a pain that will not stop. One thing that saves me when it's at its worst it that I know, without a doubt, that she is in heaven, and I will see her again. Your girl will be there, too, ready for your hugs and kisses, when the time comes for you to meet her. I don't know if you're ready to get another companion in your life. I know I'm not because Pia can never be replaced, but one of these days I will get another dog to honor Pia because I love her so much.

I read through your posts and maybe I missed it. What is your sweet girl's name?

I posted this in Pia's thread, but I think this quote that a friend sent to me bears repeating -

“We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way.” Irving Townsend

[doxiesrock912]

That's beautiful Bonnie and so very true.
All of us here on this forum have so much love to give <3

[ElliBU]

Bonnie, this is such a beautiful quote.

My baby's name was and is Jada. The love of my life.

[Ellynn]

I am so sorry for everyone's loss of their best friends. I too experienced this nightmare just this past week. My 50 pound bearded collie/wheaten mix suddenly took ill (collapsed and vomiting) while I was away. I will spare you all the details but basically she had no symptoms prior to her collapse. A CAT scan confirmed the worse possible diagnosis which was a pheochromocytoma which had invaded many of her major organs and was now bleeding. I checked my emotions at the door and gave her my last ultimate gift of love to allow her to suffer no more. We loved each other unconditionally which included knowing when it was time to say goodbye.

I draw comfort from all your posts and my research knowing that I couldn't have possibly known how sick she truly was. Know that you are not alone in having an empty heart. My Casey's pawprints are forever etched upon my heart.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Ellynn,

I am so sorry we meet this way and so sorry to hear about your sweet Casey. Your baby's name has been added to our In Loving Memory thread for 2013. Even tho we didn't get to know before her passing, she is still a part of the Canine Cushing's family and as such, will be remembered her always. If you will supply the date, we will get that entered. We would also love to include a photo of Casey so if you would send one to k9cushings@gmail.com, we will take care of that as well.

Please feel free to start a memorial thread to Casey in the In Loving Memory section. We would be honored to celebrate her life with you through your memories.

With sympathy and many hugs,
Leslie

Remembrance thread for 2013 -
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4794

In Loving Memory section -
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=8

[molly muffin]

Ellynn, I second Leslie's sentiments. So sorry that this is how we meet you and Casey. It's true, there was no way for you to know about the tumor, has it is silent and usually the symptoms aren't constant, some high BP, but that too goes up and down with those types of tumors.
I'm very sorry. My condolences.

Sharlene and Molly Muffin