In memory of my Caseybug

[jma1154]

I had just joined this site a few days ago before getting the horrible news that My Caseybug's cancer had spread. We are trying to enjoy our final days with our baby. I have decided that she will be euthanized at home, in my loving embrace.does anyone know of any good sites or books to help cope with this loss. I am 32 and have no human children so her loss is hitting me extremely hard. Thank you.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi sweetie,

Check out the information at the following link. Also, please know there are those of us here who have been where you are and know what you are dealing with; feel free to talk to us about anything in your heart. We do understand and will be more than happy to share our own experiences with you.

Hugs,
Leslie

Support and Counseling Resources
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

[labblab]

I saw that you had posted this reply on our Candlelighting thread, and I hope you won't mind that I moved it here so as to create a new thread that is especially for you and Casey (and if you want the title changed in any way, just let me know). In order for people to be able to read about Casey's journey and diagnosis, here's a link to your original thread:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4787

My heart aches for you, and I wish there was something I could say to make things easier. I will come back again later on, but in the meantime, I wanted to direct you to this "Resource" thread. It lists some very compassionate websites that may be able to provide you with some information and comfort.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171

Please know that we will remain by your side in the these coming days, to help in whatever ways we can.

Sending huge hugs to you and to your sweet Casey,
Marianne

[mytil]

Firstly, very big (((hugs))) to you and Casey.

There are a good many of us who bear the scars of losing a furbaby. I know there is not much that can be said to make it easy on the onset and there will be many days of crying, numbness and second guessing.

Believe me over time, you will have little warm smiles that will surface through the tears and this will happen more and more. I know your Casey knows you are doing the very best for her and letting her go with dignity.

Please read through the ILM Resources - it helped me reading .... AND know that we are all here for you and you can talk to many here who understand completely that grieving has no time line and comes in many forms.

Terry

[jma1154]

Thank you so much for your posts again. My thoughts are scrambled, but I will try to make put down some coherent thoughts. Last night I was sure the time had finally come,because the cancer has gone to Casey's brain and liver and started in the adrenal gland I have been guaranteed she is in no pain, however because the cancer is affecting her brain, she has begun to have spasms in the back other head. At the same time a little later like today she is tail wagging and following mommy around, her bright eyed gaze continually locks with mine to ask me what's wrong. When I am having a particularly rough moment she comes over to lay her head in my lap and give me licks, trying to comfort me. To say that I am scared is an understatement, who will give me comfort when she's gone? Who will I talk to & for, (yes, I have always talked for her, when her daddy leaves for work and says bye girls he gets 2 replies, bye honey, bye daddy). That's just one example of when he's here, but I do it when its just the 2 of us as well tho. I'll say something to her and then follow it up with, 'you say .....'. I've said before that our neighbors probably think I'm crazy talking to myself and answering myself, but that is how close our bond is. Another example was at the vet for the ultrasound, I kept telling her she was just gonna get a belly rub, then when she was squirming around and not liking it, I told the three of them, she says 'u guys have no idea what u are doing, because this is the worst belly rub I have ever had' everyone laughed, she usually says funny stuff. I think of when I go get something to eat, whose gonna beg food from me, when I go outside, whose gonna be right beside me, I tell her I am gonna miss all these things. I worry about how I'll react to her beds on each side of ours being gone, but most of all I worry about the grief and the sorrow and not being able to hug her or play with her soft soft ears. I worry about doing it(euthanizing her) too soon, & waiting to long. She has brought me such love and laughter and joy in life that I don't want to wait too long. The end is coming soon within days and I'm terrified of being without her. She has been my constant companion for more than a third of my life and it simply wasn't supposed to end this soon. I keep telling her that as much as I don't want to let her go, God is wanting her back home with him. I keep thanking her for being in my life and making it wonderful and I keep telling her, not to worry, mommy will be okay, eventually. Those are my thoughts now, they may not be as eloquent as others I've read but there mine and she's mine at least for awhile longer. Jill

[labblab]

Dear Jill,

Your words are so heartfelt and beautiful that I am bawling like a baby reading them. Your love for one another shines through in every single word.

The only thing I can think to say right now to offer comfort is that thankfully, Casey is unaware of anything other than each moment filled with love. You are the one who is braving the pain for you both. But your baby is spared this knowledge, and that is a mercy.

But how much this hurts for you! I, too, am a Lab-mom. And I know and love those silky ears and those devoted eyes. My husband and I have no human children, either, and so our dogs are the sole focus of our parental love and care. I am not working now, so my whole day is spent with our doggies, and yes -- we carry on conversations, too. So if you are crazy, I am in the loony bin right alongside you!

My deepest hope for you is that you'll be able to find a place of strength and peacefulness in your spirit during these coming hours. A place you can retreat to when you are holding Casey and loving her. During the hours before my husband and I released our own Cushpup, I was frantic with grief and worry. I so wish that I could have spent some peaceful time, just holding him. And doing what you are doing with Casey -- telling her how much you love her and what a good dog she is. In honesty, from what you have told us, I don't think there is a time that will be either too soon or too late. A moment will come when youthink to yourself, "it is now," and that will be the time. You know her so well, you will see changes in her that signal the moment when she is in pain or no longer herself and then it will be the right time for you both. The time when you are ready to release Casey's spirit and the time that she will be ready to fly free. I do believe you both will be ready, together.

And then, afterwards, you'll come back here and talk to us. Because we'll be here for you. We can't change the loss, but we can listen and talk. And I promise we will do that for you.

Marianne

[jma1154]

How do you prepare to say goodbye to half of yourself, and the better half at that? The sound of the tail thwapping against something to make more noise and show our enthusiasm is music to my ears, the squeaking of a toy & sound of our bowl being pushed across the kitchen floor to just to get that last little nonexistent morsel from it, the sound of our breathing in & out, I & out seems to echo with the rhythm of my heart. Its the little things that we are holding onto now. I've had my camera out constantly because although I have taken thousands of pictures throughout our life together, I want just a couple hundred more, and videos too. Her daddy has told me throughout her life that I am so scared of her dying that I hardly let her live. Well, the time has come & I feel woefully unprepared.

[jma1154]

Marianne, thank you so much for your heartfelt words I too am not working at the moment, my search has been put on hold and my time is being spent with my little one, I am sure this is an additional reason why I fear an empty house so much, Caseybug has really made our house a home and us a family of three. I always sing silly little songs to her like, just the 3 of us, we can make it if we try just the three of us, you, him and I. Or the original you are so beautiful to me, your everything I ever hoped for... Caseybug always makes fun of me 'oh mommy, I love you I do, but you are a horrible singer':-) after telling her how beautiful she is, I'll ask how's my baby girl and she'll say I'm beautiful how are you? I tell her I'm not as beautiful as you are, but I try. I'm rambling, but those are some of my good memories shining through. I told her last night after literally jumping out of the bathtub, that I was having a brief moment of acceptance and I wanted to share some things with her, I told her who would meet her in heaven, I sang her the, 'if you get there before I do, don't give up on me, I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be but I'm not gonna let you down. Darling wait and see cause between now and then till I see you again, I'll be loving you love me, song.' Where previously I've sang how do I live without you song by Leanne Rhymes. I told her that time goes by differently there and not to be worried, she won't even have time to miss mommy and daddy but that I would miss her. I thanked her again for everything that she has given me in life, and told her that in heaven she'll be good as new, no pain in her hips, she can run without fear of retearing her ACL. I also told her that if she has an extra moment to come visit me in my dreams at night to let me know of all the fun she's having. Which was a little contradictory to an early comment but she didn't seem to notice. But most of all I try to give her all the love I have in me so that she knows just how precious she is, I smile as I remember telling her previously, 'you are more precious than diamonds or pearls or any other gem in the world because there is only one of you.' And she would look at her dad and say, 'daddy am I really that precious?" And he would laugh. I think what I am trying to convey here, is that I'm going to miss her so much!
.

[labblab]

Jill, I am very touched that you are sharing these special parts of your relationship with Casey. Many people in this world have no idea that it is possible to feel this close and this connected to an animal companion. But our members here do understand, and so on your behalf we are also dreading your loss that is to come. Because we know how much it hurts, and how empty your house will feel without Casey beside you.

I wish I had a good answer to help you through this time. But knowing how my own heart was broken, I'm afraid I don't know any way to make it easier. But although you may not see how, you will survive. Mainly, because you have to. You will still have your life to live, people who love you, and the hours to fill. Over time, you will find a way to do that. I know that probably sounds totally lame, but you will survive and you will find a way to live with the pain. I don't know why dogs' lives are so short in comarison to those of us who love them. They are just special gifts that we are granted for a limited time in this world. And it hurts like heck when they are gone.

But whenever you are feeling desperate or down, you can always come here and write more about Casey. You can tell us all her story, from the time you first got her. And even though this won't make it hurt any less, I hope there'll be comfort in knowing that we all understand how much she matters, and that she isn't "just a dog." You'll never forget her and what she's given you. And after you've told us about her, we'll never forget her either. And I hope that will help at least a little bit.

[Bagel's Mom]

Oh Jill, I'm with ya girl....My sweet Bagel was diagnosed the friday after Thanksgiving with Lymphosarcoma and I was told, "weeks"..
I spent the first week just crying and laying with her and feeling so lost and lonely...and my closest church members prayed for me and for her....and I felt a peace that can't be explained....but I have been able to enjoy her every day so much...being a teacher, I have been home with her for two weeks..We made it just fine through Christmas and my brother and my son coming in for two weeks...I was so scared she would go when they were here...and then on my birthday..and then on hers...but she made it fine!! 13 now!!
She is eating well and sleeping much and those glands keep growing but SHE doesn't know she's ill and I have just started to focus on being so thankful for another day without any suffering...she is MY baby too..My son teaches in South Korea and his visit was the first time in over a year...he is in the air as we speak on his way back...I spend the day stopping what I am doing and take Bagel out so she can sit in the COLD..Cush pups love the cold!!I just stand there and freeze and think how blessed I am to be ab le to so it for her..
I am retiring Mar 1 and I keep telling her she just has to hang in there...
Yes we will cry..a lot..I have been here several times in my life with my sweet beagle babies...The last one was almost 18!!!
and I am a nurturer- and I was devastated....
we mourn..and we remember the joy eventually..
People sent me THAT POEM about the Rainbow Bridge..I did NOT find comfort in it at all....It made me very sad and frustrated...
I truly believe our babies go to heaven and it gives me a great joy knowing we will be together again...
Enjoy your days... Don't let "tomorrow" ruin the time you have left...hug and snuggle and don't let her see you cry...I am adding you to our prayers, for COMFORT...
Sande and sweet Bagel

[jma1154]

Sande thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers, and everyone else as well. We have our good moments and bad moments but I am thankful for all of them. It seems our bad moments usually come shortly after eating, I have switched to no grain canned food hoping that will help some, she enjoys it either way and the wet food has seemed to help quite bit. Are there any particular foods that would help more that any one knows about? Obviously I realize this is not going to prolong her life any, but I'd like to make it as comfortable as possible. She's a lab so she LOVES to eat, but it can't be fun feeling I'll afterward. Then again I'm lactose intolerant in the mornings and I still will have a big glass of milk every once in a while, even knowing whats coming afterwards. :-)

[molly muffin]

Jill, I've read this thread and walked away from the computer at least three times just bawling. Your relationship with Casey is beautiful and there can be no words more eloquent than those from the heart. Yours comes from a very deep love and that is a beautiful thing. Deep love, has the power to hurt just as deeply and this is a price that while it may not seem like it later, is so worth it through all the years that you have had together.
I wish I knew how to make it easier for you too. I don't. I didn't get out of bed for days after my Tasha passed in my arms. It was just too everything. Marianne is right though, eventually you will get up and you'll do something and it won't feel the same, but it will at least be bearable. I think that we each find whatever it is that works for us to get through the dark days. The good thing is that eventually there is light again. Maybe not the same, but still light.
All you can really do, right now, is to enjoy each moment together. Do the things that she loves to do with you and enjoy them. When it is time, you will make that decision too, because it will be the right one then. Thinking about what decision might be made tomorrow, today, is extra heart ache, so I hope that you can at least at times, set that thought aside. I know that doesn't sound like much, but if you can set it aside for an hour, or for 30 minutes, and then another 30 minutes, that is a gift to you both.
Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your special relationship. That too can be hard to do. I'm sure that typing those words were difficult.
hugs, Sharlene

[Bo's Mom]

I too will be thinking and praying for you to have strength to make it through the upcoming days of pain. I am having to come to the realization that my Bo will not be here much longer. The last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were brought in with the thought that this probably will be the last. It brought sadness but it also brought tons of love and a special closeness that I don't know if it would have happened if I had no idea. We love our pups everyday and your love was greatly expressed in your post. Casey is undoubtedly loved and greatly cared for. We will be here with you throughout the journey and beyond.

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Jill,

Everything you are feeling and thinking and worrying about is absolutely normal. Thankfully, we humans are the ones who have to bear this burden because our babies have no idea what is to come. They only know when they are loved, when they get goodies to eat, that those belly rubs sure feel nice, and, yes, when they feel bad, and when their moms and dads are sad. Our babies live in the moment without the fear of the future or dread of separation. This is our burden to bear, not theirs.

They know that time is not really concrete and linear the way we often perceive it but rather it is fluid and circular. They know that every ending is simply a new beginning, that we are all connected, all One from One, and they know these things in the very fiber of their Souls. So, for them, there is no need to worry about what the next moment may bring or not bring...they know they will always Be, that we are never truly apart. Our babies can teach us so much.

From my own experiences, there is no real way to prepare for death. When we have plenty of time to accept we often think we have steeled ourselves yet when the time comes, we find we weren’t nearly as prepared as we had thought. We try to think about things that will be different and how we will cope with them but it seems there are always things we didn’t consider at all, little things that had become so much the norm we had stopped connecting them to our loved one. But when they are gone, those little “norms” are suddenly absent. But through the whole process there is a hard yet glorious beauty if we can only open our eyes and hearts to see.

I just went through the same thing recently with my Tasha and started to tell you about it then thought you may prefer to read it on your own time. So, if you want to read her story you can find it here – http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4652

And her memorial here - http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4713

Remember, Jill, you are never alone, not even on this part of the journey. On those dark, lonely nights when your fears seem more than you can face, just look around and you will see your family here surrounding you and Casey. We will be by your side every step of the way. Should you feel the edge of the cliff is much too close, just reach out and your hands will be clasped in ours.

Hugs,
Leslie

[jma1154]

Just read Tash's memorial, it is beautiful. I can certainly relate with happy puppy syndrome or HPS as I call it. When we were at the vet's office the other day for the ultrasound they said she was the happiest puppy they've seen all day. That's my Caseybug for you though always happy, tail wagging, and bright-eyed. I can also relate to the food list as when the time comes she will get all those things she ever wanted. However if I'm honest with myself there's really not much I've ever denied her, she had me wrapped around her little toe from day one and she always knew it. We've had some good days recently and like yourself, I feel hope rush in, then she will have one of her tremors in the back of here head, I can hear her teeth grit and reality comes rushing back in. I've asked her dad to help me know when it's time just in case I put blinders on and don't realize it. For now however, we are taking each day or hour at a time. Thank you all again for allowing me to share and for your thoughts and responses. Jill

[Boriss McCall]

Oh Jill,
You are going thru one of the hardest things. I don't think you can ever prepare yourself fully to say good bye. I know it is so painful..

I would say take LOTS of pictures with you two together & cuddle as much as possible. You will have Casey in your heart forever.

I know preparing to say goodbye to your best friend is the hardest thing in the entire world. It is like loosing a big piece of your heart & soul. We are all here for you.

hugs..

[molly muffin]

Hi Jill, treasure those moments when you can just enjoy each other. You Will know when it is time. One day, one hour, just treasure it all :) Casey is just a happy puppy that sometimes has a few tremors. :) She knows nothing else, mommy and daddy love her, she is happy.

hugs,
Sharlene

[Tina]

Dear Jill,

I have started to reply to you several times, but I have been crying so hard that I couldn't finish, and am typing now through tears. I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I can relate to everything you have been posting about Casey so much. While I have two Miniature Schnauzers now, my first born was a black lab named Dakota. I too do not have children, so my parenting has always revolved around my dogs. I love my pups now with all my heart, but Dakota was what my vet called "a once in a lifetime dog", she actually said that. Dakota suddenly became ill with coughing symptoms, and when she coughed up a bit of blood, I took her in to the vet immediately. Chest films were done and showed she had a large mass, which the vet felt was hemangiosarcoma based on all her symptoms. There are no effective treatments for this type of cancer, and it was a very poor prognosis. The symptoms progressed very quickly, and much sooner than I anticipated I was faced with the hardest and most gut wrenching decision of my life. I was completely unprepared.

My wish for you is that you are able to focus on the here and now and spend quality time with Casey, and keep the worry under control. It is so so difficult to do that. I was not very successful, and it is my biggest regret. I feel relieved to read that you are not working right now so you can spend a lot of time with Casey. I was not able to do that due to working, and that continues to haunt me years later. I am also happy that you have your husband for support, so you will not face the difficult days ahead alone like I was.

I would like to echo Marianne's and Leslie's posts, what beautiful heartfelt words, and I couldn't possibly express it any better. Leslie's words below particularly hit home for me.



Remember, Jill, you are never alone, not even on this part of the journey. On those dark, lonely nights when your fears seem more than you can face, just look around and you will see your family here surrounding you and Casey. We will be by your side every step of the way. Should you feel the edge of the cliff is much too close, just reach out and your hands will be clasped in ours.



Since I have joined this forum, so many times I have wished that I had this wonderful family when I went through Dakota's illness and loss. The anniversary of her loss is approaching, and I struggle every year. I am sure this is adding to the heartbreak that I feel for you, because I can relate so much to all of your feelings and thoughts about Casey.

My heart goes out to you, and I will keep you and Casey in my prayers. Know that I, too, will be by your side in the hours and days to come.

Love and hugs,

Tina

[Bagel's Mom]

Jill,

The homeopathic vet gave me some piils called FOUR MARVELS...( Si Miao San) 550 mg tablets.
Bagel is diabetic and can't take prednisone...
She has me giving her two pills AM and two PM..and Bagel weighs about 28 now...She said she thought she could buy her a couple of months...
We have just gone thru the bottle and ordered a new one..You can find it online as well as a homeopathic vet...My first experience with this..

but we have had a fabulous December..,.Seems to slow the cancer...
I cook her chicken thighs and brown rice, also these center cut pork chops that Aldi's carries...I drain the grease and run the meat under warm water...sometimes ground turkey too....she is eating mostly protein but it's been a great month...
Her appetite really picked up when she started taking these pills...She doesn't poop a lot but it IS all protein that she is eating...
Just thought I would offer some ideas...
I look at her and just can't believe there is ANYTHING bad going on inside...
Sande

[milosmom]

know that you have a wonderful support system here for yourself and casey...i found this was the best place for me with my milo who was just 6.we are all here to help,love,listen,cry and share our stories here about our fur babies.know our hearts and prayers are with you.sending you peace,love and light..patty (milo)meka xoxox

[Coop]

Hi Jill

Everyone has already expressed what I might have said as one dog lover to another. My heart is heavy for you.

I read the following letter written an American singer, Fiona Apple, to her fans and posted on Facebook. She had cancelled a tour to be with her dying dog. I am hoping there might be some sense of comfort for you in her words. Here they are:


It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.
I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then ,an adult officially - and she was my child.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.
We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.
She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.
When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us.
I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.
I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.
And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.
I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.
I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.
And I am asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona

[jma1154]

Thank you so much for posting this, I can certainly relate. Casey's having a rough day today, I have written down the # for a at home vet, and called her dad to let him know how our day is going. I haven't called yet, and am hoping that I won't need the # for awhile still. I am having trouble, I keep hearing that I will know when it's the right time, but then 2 days ago I thought we were done and then she turned around and had two spectacular days. The problem is, is that I see her have an episode where, let me see if I can describe it. It's not a seizure. She grits her teeth real hard to where I can hear them grind, her head or the back of her head twitches and she shakes a little. She gets this look on her face like what is happening and sometimes groan a deep in her throat, like she is trying to fight the spasm. Having written that it may seem to people like, how can I watch that, the answer is, I can't. That is what has me worried that I will make the decision before she is ready. Its hard being so indecisive, so I can only assume that it is not time yet??? Does that make sense?

[mytil]

It makes perfect sense Jill. This is one of the hardest things, I know first hand. Know we are all here to support you. It is a question of quality of life for your girl and asking yourself this. It is especially hard when they have good days. But do the good days out number the bad and is there a lot of pain.

Have you had a heart to heart with your vet yet as to what she is feeling?

My ((((hugs)))) to you and your family and to dear sweet Casey.
Terry

[jma1154]

No heart to heart with her regular besides after the initial call I placed to him when we learned the cancer had spread. We are going to do one that's on my bucket list tonight, I am making steak(very expensive steak), we are going to sit down as a family, Kevin and I on the floor with Casey and we are all going to enjoy dinner together, as a family. This my way of showing her that she's more than "just a dog" she is a full-fledged member of this family and will be treated as such, she will have her own plate & we will all eat the same thing, at the same time, together. Her dad works late normally till around 8 so we don't normally get to eat together anyhow. I hope she gets my meaning!

[molly muffin]

Of course it makes sense. It is absolutely horrible to see them in distress and not know what to do to fix it or worse, to know that you can't.
Lets look at it like this though. How often do they occur and how often do they last and does Casey seem to be in pain? Those are the things that will tell you how things are going. I don't know if that is as helpful as I meant it to be or not. :)
Today is a rough day though. So really big hugs to you and some belly rubs for Casey.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

Ah what to say, I called her vet today, he won't be in til tomorrow but I left him message asking what the signs of pancreatic cancer are and if he did in home euthanasia, and to call me back. I can't believe the guilt that I felt making that call, I had to go outside so she couldn't hear me. I don't think he does in home euthanasia but we will see. I would much rather it be him that does it, someone who has cared for her her whole life rather than some stranger. I am being stupid? And why does this feel like a betrayal of trust?

[molly muffin]

Because it hurts so much to have to make those kind of calls. :(
It's not betrayal, it's getting your ducks in a row, so that when the time comes and when you are at your most distraught, you won't have to think about what to do, who to call, etc. You'll know. You'll hate it, every second, but you'll know and you'll do whatever it is that you need to do to take care of Casey just as you have always taken care of her.

Big Hugs, tomorrow is another day, but tonight! there is steak!
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

Hahaha, I love that last part, tomorrow is another day, but tonight there is steak! Thank you for making me laugh, and thank you all for sharing in this trying time with me, some of my family members don't understand, I can't tell u how thankful I feel to have found you all. Many, many, many you are all angels.

[Coop]

Jill, please, please don't let the guilt consume you as you contemplate being the one to make this final decision for your beloved Casey. Please keep at the forefront of your mind that what motivates you to take these steps is your enormous love for this precious soul. You love her so much that you don't want her to suffer beyond her endurance and that has to be the purest of any love.

Actually, right at this moment I have a wee warm spot glowing inside me that says, "don't worry, these two will never be apart - they are soul mates are forever". Human or furry, it doesn't matter.

With the love of one dog lover to another
Claire

[infoviewer]

Fiona and Jill: Such beautiful expressions of love for your beloved dogs. Tears are flowing as I read these loving words. How greater love could there be Fiona than to put your beloved dog above yourself. Jill I can just see Casey eating his steak from a plate. He is a lucky dog and you and your husband are lucky to have such love from a beautiful furbaby. They are our babies and we will love and cherish them forever. My heart goes out to both of you at this terrible time. Much love, JoAnne

[apollo6]

This is heart rancing. All I can tell you is my own experience. Talk to Casey, ask if he is ready, tired, does he still want to stay . We spent the weekend of August going to the places Apollo loved. He seemed happy it was like he was saying good by to us. He died 15 days later.
You love your baby and you don't want to see Casey suffer. There is no easy way. I do believe things happen for a reason and fall into place. A friend said be prepared make the arrangement ahead of time before he goes. I went to two cemetaries with Apollo and decided on the beautiful one. I walked around and sat with him. It was like he said , okay MOm you are prepared. He died the next day.
Please keep posting and let us be there for you.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo
Even when the time comes we will be here for you with love, compassion and support.

[gummysmurf]

Gosh my heart goes out to you. I just went through it. Today has been a bad day for me. I've been crying all night. It happened on Monday, but today the pain has been almost as fresh. I wish I could give you words of comfort to make it easier, but all I can really say is that you aren't alone.

In my case, I never really felt it was time. Baxter grew weaker, and he didn't eat, but he still looked at me with such love, and he still enjoyed walks in our favorite place, and although I asked him all the time to let me know when he was ready, I never felt like he asked me to let him go. And I think I would have known, and picked up on it, because I always knew when something was wrong with him before anyone else, I knew him inside and out. Or maybe I was in denial because I was in so much pain over losing him. You're never really ready for it. At least, I wasn't. I miss him every day. I want him back so much. Tomorrow I'm going to the crematorium to see him one last time. I asked them to delay the cremation, and I even begged them to let me see him again. People keep warning me against it but I don't care. No matter how he looks, no matter how he's changed, he's still my sweet boy. That will never change.

Please everyone, hug your loved ones close and cherish every minute. That is a source of comfort for me, how much I loved him and appreciated our time together.

Baxter was my best friend and sole companion. I wish so much that he was still with me. Only a few days ago and my life was completely different. He was with me and I was happy.

My heart goes out to you because your circumstances are so close to my own. These days you have with your Casey are special shining ones. Try not to think about anything beyond them, for now.

[jma1154]

I will put a disclaimer at the beginning of this because there are some who may not want to read this raw grief.

Casey turned 11 years 8 months and 18 days old yesterday she will never be any older. People say they feel relief the next day, I don't. I feel unbearable sadness, I feel empty, I feel alone. I feel like I made a mistake, I keep saying what have I done, I can't think about the good times just yet because the pain is too real. I recorded the sound of her breathing and had to use that to sleep last night. I sleep with my arms wrapped around her soft bed last night because it felt like her,soft. She passed away in my arms and it gave me no relief, I question if I did the right thing. But mostly what I feel is unbearable sorrow. Overwhelming saddness , I feel lost, I hate my house right now because she's not in it. I want her back.
Jill

[labblab]

Dear Jill, I know there is nothing we can say or do to change your pain. But I just want you to know you're not alone even though your house is so empty and sad. We are all here with you.

My heart aches at reading your words. That is exactly how I felt the first morning after. My Barkis had been so sick that I naively thought there would be some relief or comfort in knowing he was out of any pain. But there was no comfort at all. Not one shred. I was beside myself with my own pain.

When you're hurting this deeply, I don't think there's any way not to wish you had it to do over. There's no way it can't seem like a mistake to you. But you will live through these feelings, I promise. You will. You put Casey's welfare above your own, because you loved her that deeply, and you will continue to love her always.

We are here for you, Jill. So come back any time night or day to talk. We will not leave your side.

Sending many hugs in loving memory of your precious girl,
Marianne

[jma1154]

Thank you so much for your reply, I am glad to know that someone knows just exactly how I feel. Looking at her toys, her beds, even her pictures brings me no relief right now,the pain is still too raw. I hope that one day soon I will be able to look at her pictures and not feel a terrible hollowness inside me. I miss her so much words cannot describe.

[jma1154]

My Caseybug is gone, there is no relief in sight right now. I fell asleep last night holding her bed in my arm and listening to a recording of her breathing. I woke last night at 2 to start to take her out to potty, she wasn't there and I cried and cried and cries some more. My husband just broke down sobbing because he's leaving for work and just realized he's looking around to say bye to her. She's not here and I am SO empty I don't know what to do.

[labblab]

Jill, I hope it is OK, but I've combined your posts about Casey in this one single thread. That way, from this point onward, we will all be together in this one special place.

Marianne

[Boriss McCall]

I think we all know that sadness & grief you are feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world. That lonely empty feeling is like nothing else. The only thing that makes it better is time.

I know all of us will be right where you are someday. It hurts to think about. My heart hurts for you. It not fair that unconditional love can bring so much pain & sorrow. But, its like that song the dance there is no way we would not do it all over again even if we knew the end.

You take this time to grieve as much as you need. We are all here for you.

Hugs..

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Jill,

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you now must bear. It is pain born of a deep love, a love that can never be replaced. Casey was your child and a mother's love never stops, never, even when we are asked to keep walking without that child at our side. Those first few days, even weeks or months, are tough, very tough, and no words will make them easier. We are supposed to feel as if our insides have been ripped out and stomped on, as if the sun will not rise tomorrow or ever again, as if we ourselves have died...because a treasured part of us is gone from our sight and our touch

But those we love are never truly far away. The love we share forms a connection that Death can have no power over and our babies will always remain close in Spirit. It simply takes time to allow ourselves to adjust. It has been said that time heals all wounds, but that isn't true. Some wounds never heal but time does give us a chance to come to terms with our loss and learn new ways to face each day without them. It is a learning process, one that, for me, never ends. Every day I am reminded of those who are no longer here but I am also reminded that the day will come when I will hold them all again. And when that day arrives, we will never be parted.

Having these second thoughts is something most of us go through when we have to make this decision for our babies. It is an expression of the incredible depth of your love. I have no doubt that Casey is grateful to you for setting her free. Her body was failing with no hope of recovery - only days of pain and misery ahead. Tho it doesn't feel like it today, you gave her the greatest gift possible...and one more reason for her to love you as much as you love her.

We are here anytime, Jill. Never hesitate to talk to us about how you are feeling. We do understand and I, for one, will cry with you.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Squirt, Trinket, Brick and our Angels, Ruby, Crystal and Tasha


Tribute to a Best Friend

Sunlight streams through the window pane onto a spot on the floor.....

then I remember,

it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more.

Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound.....

then I remember,

it's where your paws would joyously abound.

A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill,

then I remember,

it can't be yours..... your golden voice is still.

But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall,

and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.

I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love,

and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.

- Author Unknown

[molly muffin]

Jill I am so sorry that this time has come and that it has come so soon.
There really isn't anything we can do to prepare for it, even if we think we are, the emptiness we feel inside tells us different.
What you know is that you loved her and she loved you. That is something that you can hold close to your heart.
We've all walked in your shoes and you are not alone. We are here when you need us, want us.

love,
Sharlene and molly muffin

[Simba's Mom]

So sorry about your sweetie, sometimes instead of feeling sad, I get angry, our buddies are supposed to be with us forever. But they can't be, so we have to let go and move on, even though we don't want to. Your Casey is happy and healthy now, I hope that brings you some peace. Please lean on this group, we understand. Take care and God bless you!

[Bo's Mom]

Your Casey will live on forever in your heart and you will always know that she loved you like no other. Our hearts all break with yours tonight as the pain is raw. But know that raw pain will soon be replaced with all those happy times that you shared with Casey. I know words right now aren't as comforting as you would like but do know we are here for you to share your feelings if you ever need us. That is the beauty of us all here is that we all share that same unconditional love for our fur babies that they give us.
Our deepest sympathies are sent to you and your family.

[Skye]

I have started to write to you many times and then I just couldnt see.....i kept saying yes exactly EXACTLY....so much of what you have said and shared....even the songs....how you talk, how she talks...i would try and read to my husband and i dont think he understood much of what i was speaking between sobs. but sat and read parts and said see....."a part of me" and on and on.
Your beautiful. your heart is beautiful, and you love Casey now and forever, and no where could she have received such a gift. The best of the best you showered her and gladly. i hope she does visit you in your dreams, and she will lead your heart tenderly till one day she sees who shall carry it on earth for her legacy to continue. God speed healing to you, and strength. Blessing shower upon you dear one.

[Tina]

Dear Jill,
I am so sad to read about Casey, and I also have been in your shoes and understand your feelings completely. There was no relief the next day after losing my precious Dakota, only the most overwhelming pain, emptiness and sadness that I have ever experienced. Like others have said, the pain and loneliness will fade as time passes. It is impossible for you to believe that now, but it will. I know that no words will ease your sorrow right now, but want you to know that you and your husband are in my prayers. You are not alone.

Love and hugs,
Tina and Jasper

[mytil]

Jill, again I am so very sorry. This is the hardest part I think - the sudden and complete emptiness and your normal routine after all these years has changed overnight. Grief is very powerful and please take your time going through it.

We are all here and will always remember your girl.
Terry

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Jill,
I am so very sorry for your loss of Casey. He knows he was so very loved and I am sure he is watching over you and your husband during this difficult time.

Rest in Peace sweet Casey, You are our newest and brightest star in the sky......

[jma1154]

I have been told that it helps to write about her so you guys will know more about her, just so you know I started writing this while she was still here. Please excuse the use of present tense, I don’t have the heart to change it yet. But here is Casey’s story…
I got Casey after searching for months for just the perfect pup. We went to breeder after breeder and although many people fall in love with the first one they see, I was more critical. I was looking for the pup that spoke to my heart, I found her with her with her litter mates all cuddled up with her mom, she immediately separated herself from the bunch to come chew on my shoe laces. I told those who were selling her that I definitely wanted her and that I would be back. You see Kevin at that time didn’t really want a dog, he wasn’t ready for the responsibility and said that he could just see the two us (myself and whichever pup I chose) ganging up to hide stuff from him, like an accident in the house or eaten socks or something. So when I came back and told him that I had found her he said, well fine but she’s not sleeping in the room with us, she will have to sleep in the laundry room. I don’t want any accidents on the carpet. After agreeing to whatever his demands were, I told him that she cost a bit more than I had expected and asked him for the remainder of the money to get her. He went on some spiel about if I could afford to get her maybe we should wait blah blah blah. So when I went back to pick her up, I paid mostly cash but the last $10 or so was actually in rolled coins, I was desperate for her. The owners at the time gave me a strange look but what were they gonna do say no? Anyhow the moment I walked in the door her she comes trotting from the back room right back to my shoe laces, and looks at me like, ‘ah good you’re here again, are we ready to go? ‘
The car ride home started with her on the floor of the passenger side and me driving like 2 miles an hour, I didn’t care about the other traffic I wanted to make sure she was okay. But as I drove she hopped up into the passenger seat, stumbled over the emergency break and right into my lap. She promptly crawled up my body and put her front paws and her chin on my shoulder, she was content there for the rest of the trip.
When we got home I carried her over to Kevin who was at the next door neighbors’ house talking to him outside. He immediately fell in love with her, held her in his arms, she gazed up at him with her green eyes, put her paw on his chest and snuggled deeper into the embrace and he was hooked. We walked back over to our house, and he immediately found a box, put a blanket in it and put it right next to not my side of the bed, but his side of the bed. I started laughing and said I thought she would have to sleep in the laundry room, he says well, I’m sure we can make a few exceptions. I named her after her dad whose initials are K.C. and from day one she’s always been mommy’s and daddy’s girl.
She has a mind of her own and does not like instruction at all. We tried obedience training and pretty much got kicked out of the class for being disruptive, well we were singled out to show the group the correct way to handle her directives and when she wouldn’t listen to the instructor either, we were made to feel that we were no longer welcome in the class. But we learned (her dad and I) that she is willing to do just about anything for food. She learned how to stay with a left over spiral cut ham that her dad was carrying around eating. Each time she stayed, he would give her some ham. To this day we still call ‘ham’ ‘stay’, whenever we have ham she gets all excited and says, ‘yes, we’re having stay tonight.’
We never had any problems with her running off or anything, whenever we were out front doing yard work she was content to lie down and watch us. We had a heck of a time with potty training though. It was just too dang hot outside for her and she didn’t see the reason why she had to go outside to go potty. She would actually pretend to pee outside; she would squat, do nothing, and then come inside and pee under the pool table.
Swimming, she LOVED to swim. She would go jump into the pool do a lap and then get out and run around. When she was almost 18 months, we moved in with my mom for a while, she would run and jump into the pool and then want to come right inside. So I or my mom would go get a towel and dry her off so she could come inside. Still to this day, whenever she gets wet, she will walk over and pick up a towel and bring it back to you so you can dry her off so she can go back inside.
That’s all I have for now, I will write more when I am able, there is still so much more to you about her.

Jill

[labblab]

Oh Jill, THANK YOU for this first chapter in Casey's story!! Now I can close my eyes and picture your girl in all her glory. :)

Holy cow, she sounds a lot like my oldest black Lab girl -- we got drummed out of obedience class, too :o. Or I guess I should say I drummed us out after the trainer kept using us as the "bad" example. He would take her himself to demonstrate to the class what I was doing wrong, which annoyed me but I could handle that. But when he yanked on her collar and made her squeal -- that was it. We walked out and never went back! And the shoelaces!! Casey reminds me of our girl when she was a puppy, too. All those sweet memories.

OK, now I'm really anxious for Chapter Two! So I'll keep checking back to see when you've written more. Jill, your writing is bringing Casey alive in my mind's eye. And it is such a beautiful picture.

Marianne

[Roxee's Dad]

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and heartwarming story, with wonderful memories like that, she will always be close to your heart. I am also looking forward to part two.....

[apollo6]

Dear Jill
don't listen to others do what ever you need to do to get through this. Remarks like well he or she lived long and was getting old are like a slap in the face. Nothing anyone says is a comfort. I still have all of Apollo's things everywhere in the house. I did throw away his medications and was screaming at the time. I have two of his beds on my bed, I put two of his tie shirts on a pill he always laid his head on and go to bed with it every night. I have lockets of his hair in a locket a friend gave me, and hold it many times a day. I made a memory book with my favorite picture of him on it. I made a video on you tube which I watch everyday. Like you, I have no children, the house was so empty and quiet, I hated going home, the tears would start. I would scream why. I had hoped he would live two more years. I question why didn't I do more for him, why did he get sick, did I cause it. I want him back, but like you Casey and Apollo are pain free waiting for us when the time comes. I write letters to Apollo about my grief about all the things I loved about him. I felt so empty and lost, I read books on grief, I went to a grief group at the human society. IT has been over 4 months and I still grieve. I did adopt another doxie 4 months later,which I did not think I would do. He is about two years old. But like you I got Apollo when he was a baby, we grow up together. He was my one and only. I would go around the house clinging to his beds, get up in the middle of the night fall a sleep on his beds, try to smell his scent. Before he was cremated I had a memorial service for him with friends, and held his limp body knowing this was the last time I would hold him. So do what your guit tells you do . Like part of the engravement I have on Apollo's urn says "Some will say its just a dog. But I know I lost my best friend" Born a dog died a friend" He was my foundation and it broke when he died.
HUgs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[jma1154]

I know everyone is waiting to hear more about my precious girl, and I thank you for your posts. You guys are the ones that are helping to get me through this, I feel so bad for my husband, well and here is the worst part, I call him my husband but he's my fiance. We are getting married in October and I so wanted Casey to be there for it. It kills me that she won't be, but atleast she can walk me down the aisle in spirit. I feel so bad for him(my hubby) because he is trying to help me through this but he just doesn't know what to say or how to respond. I know that he is hurting too but I just can't come out of my grief enough to try and comfort him.

I have tried to sit down and tell you more about my Caseybug and I'm sorry, I just can't get past the grief enough to put down any more words about the good times just yet. What I can say is that she was the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life and I, like you Sonja, am not able to put her things away. My hubby moved her water bowl and I freaked out when I noticed it was gone. He asked me if I wanted him to put it back and I was uncertain, how pointless is that? I finally told him no don't put it back but don't move anything of hers without asking me please. I don't know what I am thinking, it's not like she is coming back; ..... and that's the part that's killing me. I will never again see those bright eyes. I will never again feel that love that was uniquely hers, and I will never feel her silky soft ears ever again.

I loved her eyelashes they were so cute, I will never be able to kiss her tummy or her feet again, yes I used to kiss her feet, but it wasn't until recently that I discovered how wonderful kissing her shaved tummy(ultrasound) was. I wished we had shaved it long ago, maybe then we would have been able to catch the tumor in time.

As I have said, I recorded the sound of her breathing(I know, probably not healthy to listen to it but it helps me), I was listening to it again this morning and i knew there was a part in it where I whisper, Mommy loves you. But I lost it this morning when I heard another part that I had not previously realized was on there, I have listened to this recording no less than 100 times but I never heard it until this morning. I say, mommy's gonna miss you so much. And I do, I miss her so so so much, words cannot express. Please don't stop posting because reading all the previous posts and the ones that continue to come in is helping tremendously. A heartfelt thank you, to you all. Jill

[labblab]

Don't worry, Jill, you can't get rid of us -- we're gonna keep on posting FOREVER! ;)

You probably told us earlier, but was Casey your first dog? What made you decide to look for a Lab? (Lab-lover that I am, of course I feel like everybody needs a Lab in their life :p). My Cushpup (my avatar) was yellow, and we now have a black and a yellow girl. My hubby keeps telling me we need a chocolate boy to top things off. I would love it, but just don't see how we can handle three big dogs right now (especially since I'm the chief dog-walker :rolleyes:).

I just love the look of Casey's head and the expression in her face. And she had green eyes? Is that unusual for a chocolate?

OK, enough questions from me!

[molly muffin]

Hi Jill, I love Casey's story and yes, I'm looking forward to the next installments, whenever they may come. I imagine that it is very hard to write at the moment and that's okay.
Grief is personal for each of us and I think we all deal with it differently. Even within the same house.
She sounds just amazing and I'm sure she was. There definitely is something special between our furbabies and us. We know that and we respect it.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Squirt's Mom]

My Tash has been gone a little over a month, she left Dec. 3rd. Because Tasha's nipples bled, I kept her couch covered in blankets and pillows. After she passed, I told myself it was time to wash her bedding on the couch then remembered I didn't have to do that any more. I left her blankets there for a little while then I did wash them and I didn't recover the couch. It was the first time I had seen the fabric since she came 7 months earlier. Walking into the LR was hard, very hard, because that fabric was a constant reminder she was gone. With Christmas decorating, I was able to keep it fairly piled up...and it is piled up again taking the decorations down. It helps when it's piled up with stuff. :o

Her beds are still where she left them, tho I pick them up and vacuum under then place them right back. I have picked up her blanket nests that were scattered all over the house and her food bowl...but the box her bowl was raised up on is still there; I can't quite move it just yet either. I can't put her medicine away; it is still either on the counter or in the cabinet where I can see it when I open the door. There are food items in the freezer I made just for her; I can't give them to the others nor throw them out yet.

I don't care what anyone thinks or says about this - they aren't living with the loss, I am. And these little things help me deal with it. She was with us such a short time yet left such a big imprint. As time passes, I will be able to put all these things away but not right now...and that is perfectly ok. There is no hurry, no reason they have to be out of sight.

Take your time. Do what helps you cope, what brings you a tiny measure of comfort no matter how ridiculous others may find it. Sharing your life with Casey will bring you comfort as well. Just knowing others really, truly do understand helps a lot. ;)

Hugs,
Leslie

[jma1154]

She wasn't my first, when I was growing up we had an Irish Setter, and then a golden retriever. But Casey was solely mine really, i got her when i was 20, and during that whole time 11 years, 6 months, we were not apart for more than 48 hours, and that was just one time. she never went to a kennel, i wouldn't allow it, we never went on a vacation that wasn't a road trip because I couldn't leave her &wasn't comfortable putting her in an airplane, too much stuff could happen. Yes, she had green eyes, most chocolate labs have yellow eyes, and hers occasionally looked yellow, but they were green. I'll post some more close up pictures so you can see her beautiful eyes. I'm not sure what made me want a lab, but I did, and originally I wanted a black one, but then around, well probably right around the time she was born, I suddenly switched to wanting chocolate. Anyhow I am not sure if you have seen the other pictures I have of her on my personal page, but there's one of her and her dad in the pool, I know, he had a mullet at that time. My favorite puppy picture is on there. Her smile is on there, she has, had :( the most beautiful smile.

[nibbles-mommy]

Dear Jill,

I love hearing your stories of Casey. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to so much of what you've said. I also had a Casey girl.

I'm 33yo and boyfriend is 36yo we've been together for 17 years since high school and have lived together just as long. We have no kids. A few months after we met, I got my Casey, a black lab mix. Let me tell you, she was the light of my life, spoiled rotten, mommy's girl. I would sing and dance with her like. Make up goofy songs to sing and she loved it. We also found a beagle mix the following year Nibbles. The two were inseparable.

Casey passed from cancer in 2006 at 14 yo. She was very sick, couldn't breathe and passed on her own. We were devastated beyond words. Her dad would just cry and cry. I also cried a lot but knew she wasn't suffering anymore and she left us on her own.

In March of this year, we lost or Nibbles. He was 16 1/2yo. He had cushings, diabetes, and blind for a year prior. I had to help him go. He could no longer walk at all. I tried so hard to help him with harnesses and other devices and just couldn't.

The house was so empty without them. We had never been without at least one of them for 16 years. People understood, but would say things like, "aren't you a little relieved that you don't have to work so hard and spend so much time tending to him." The answer is no, I'm not relieved, I enjoyed caring for them at the end of their lives.

I too always imagined Casey and Nibbles being all dressed up and walking us down the aisle. They were our children, we loved them just as humans.

It's been 10 months and I can't say the pain or guilt are gone. But, I do realize now that they are at peace and hopefully will be waiting for me one day.

The forums are a wonderful place to make great friends, a speak the feelings that sometimes other people just don't understand. I find it very comforting to come back to this forum and the K9 diabetes to read and stay connected. These wonderful people have all been through the same as us at one time or another and great supporters and listeners.

You're not alone, or wrong in how you are feeling. You grieve however you need. Take care of yourself.

Debbie

[jma1154]

I am not sure if i am able to do this but if I can, please go see my tribute to my Caseybug. Here is the link it's you tube. http://youtu.be/OJB8yM4PH4g

I posted it just for you guys.

[labblab]

Oh Jill, your tribute is beautiful! What a precious, precious baby girl. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

[jma1154]

I just left the house for the first time since she'sbeen gone. I walked in and started bawling like a baby.

[labblab]

I know that everything feels painful to you right now, and if you are like me, all the "firsts" are especially painful. I am so sorry.

[Harley PoMMom]

Such a beautiful tribute to such a very sweet and beautiful girl.

[gummysmurf]

Hi Jill, everything you have described is identical to the way I felt too. The day of, and the day after...they are just bad. I scheduled an emergency visit with my doctor for the first thing in the morning because it was so painful and I was out of my head. Quite frankly, I wanted to be drugged up. She prescribed me some Xanax, and it helped put a barrier between me and the horrible pain. I asked for a two week supply and she gave it, but I've only taken three. The thing is, as awful as it is, quite inevitably, we begin to cope. Now I'm nearing two weeks without Baxter, and I'm surprised at how well I'm doing. Not that it doesn't hurt, not that I don't miss him and think about him throughout the day, but the hurt is manageable.

Just trying to give you some hope. Grind through these next few awful days, and it will slowly get better. Do you know if there is a pet loss support group in your city? I've been to two meetings here in Atlanta, and it helps. There is also an online one too - it's like a chat group, but it's moderated, and it may help. I'll look up the info and send your way.

[jma1154]

I have Xanax as well, no rush visit at all, I have social anxiety, I did take 1 the day we put her to sleep, I had a pretty severe panic attack earlier in the day, the vet was going to come around 2:30 t do it, but when the time got closer I was having such a bad panic attack that I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breathe etc. We told him we were having some doubts and he said he'd call after his day was done. We spent those wonderful hours feeding her everything in the world, hotdogs, jumbo jack, cheese, yogurt the list goes on and on. But that night before he called she couldn't get up by herself, and she wasn't able to go to bathroom herself either, I had to hold her up so she could poop and it was just diarrhea. We came in and in wet a paper towel and cleaned her up. That's when the doctor called and asked, I said yeah she's ready. She had had such a great afternoon but that morning she had been shaking uncontrollably and looking above my head and off I'm the distance. I didn't want her to have another morning like that.
I guess that's another reason that I loved her sooooo much, was the 110% acceptance of me with all my flaws and all. She just loved me for who I was and there was never any doubt in my mind that I was loved.

[molly muffin]

Jill the tribute to Casey is so heart warming and sweet. I am still crying. She is so beautiful with those big soulful green eyes. I especially love how you would just lay on the floor with her and love her. I do that too.
I know this is so hard.
Big Hugs,
Sharlene and molly muffin

[jma1154]

Thank you all again for your posts, I don't have anything new to add really, I'm just lonely, I miss my companion, I miss my best friend, I miss my little girl. My heart is heavy and I'm lonely. I asked my hubby to pick up some chicken to eat on the way home, I'm hoping I can eat it. I haven't eaten since Casey left, I just haven't been hungry and to be honest I've kinda been avoiding our kitchen. It was Casey's favorite place; food was something that we never passed up, as I am sure all of you know. But labs especially LOVE food, I read somewhere before that a lab would eat itself to death if given the chance, it's true! I have developed a love-hate relationship with our house. I love it because it's where all our memories are but I hate it because she's no longer in it. I just miss my little girl, I sit outside and hear dogs barking and being ignored by their owners and it makes me mad, Casey was never allowed outside by herself, as I have said before, I was an overprotective mom, Kevin used to tell me that I was so scared of her dying, that I hardly let her live. I am now finding that the anxiety over her death was completely founded. My greatest fears have come true and it's just as horrible as I always imagined it would be. She's gone and I'm completely lost without her.
Jill

[jma1154]

Today is another day without my bug. And although the pain and sadness are still there, it's getting a bit easier. Today was the first day that I woke up and just started talking to her, the tears still flow, my heart is still shattered, but I know that I will survive, because I have to. I have finally realized that she is gone and although it still hurts, and I still feel this hollowness inside it is not all consuming. I just keep thanking her and telling her I miss her. I still haven't dreamt about her so she must be having too much fun to miss me yet.:-) But I look forward to the day she comes to see me I my dreams to tell me how much fun she's been having. I love you my Caseybug. Mommy

[Squirt's Mom]

Your baby girl hears every word you say to her even now. One day, you will see something that is a bit odd perhaps, out of place perhaps, and know that is Casey. You may feel the tiniest brush on your cheek from out of no where; that will be Casey kissing you. Have hope, have faith, and keep talking to her...she loves the sound of your voice as much now as ever before.

Hugs,
Leslie

[jma1154]

Thank you Leslie, we already have both me and her dad felt her the other night, but how we were absolutely sure is that at the same time we felt her presence, out of nowhere I started talking for her for that short amount of time. It's impossible to explain, and I probably sound crazy but she had been silent all this time since she left and suddenly I heard her words again just like I used to. And had to say what I was feeling from her again. I swear I really am not crazy although it certainly sounds like I am a good candidate for the Looney bin. But it was the bond that I felt again and she was there I am sure of it.

[Squirt's Mom]

No, honey, you nor your hubby are crazy. Casey was there, you did hear her voice in those deep intimate parts of your Souls that are beyond description but ever so real. What a wonderful blessing!

[jma1154]

Her dad still breaks down in tears when he leaves for work like just a moment ago. He works Monday thru Saturday, and he still says I love you girls, but it's only one response he gets, but I tell him that she would say I love you too daddy have a good day. When we are hugging now, I say if Caseybug were here she'd say hey let me get in on some of that love, like she always did when she saw us hug, she would come over with her whole back end wagging. I think that only those who have had a lab can understand what I mean by that, but I'll try to explain. Their tails are so powerful that when they get really happy that tail go so fast that the whole rear end wags, its adorable. Anyhow she would come over wagging her whole rear end and have her ears pulled back against he head and smile real big and say let me get in on some of that love, then she would plow between our legs and push her head under our hands and say ahhhhhh that better. She was so cute.

[gummysmurf]

Hi Jill, thinking of you and Casey this morning. So glad you felt Casey with you. I haven't had that yet with Baxter. I'm hoping it will come. I think I'm still doing a bit of avoiding. I read a lot and just try to distract myself.

But anyway, here are the links I was telling you about. They were forwarded to me by the counselor who leads my pet loss group.
-----
Hello all. Here is the link to the Rainbows Bridge website we mentioned last evening: http://rainbowsbridge.com/

The link for Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is: http://www.aplb.org/.

The Book is "The Loss of a Pet" by Wallace Sife, PH.D.

[gummysmurf]

PS Do you think I'm crazy for thinking about getting a life sized cut out of Baxter to stand in the corner? lol

[jma1154]

Not at all, if it helps you then its not crazy. I hope u don't mind I added to your list of thank yours. I am loving watching videos I took of Casey, they are so much better than photos for me because she still has the ability to make me laugh in them. The one I am loving the most right now is when she was pushing her bowl across the kitchen floor, and you can hear my somewhat silent laughter, Kevin asked me why didn't you pick it up for her and help her. My response, because that is the most enthusiasm we had shown all day long and I was loving it. I did eventually pick it up for her when she looked at me and said could I get some help here. But until then you just here heheheheheheh in the background, me laughing.

[gummysmurf]

Videos!!! Yes they are so much better than pictures. Unfortunately all my vids of Baxter make me seasick, I apparently have shaky hands. But I watch them anyways between doses of dramamine (just kidding about the dramamine). Do you have your vids of Casey posted anywhere? Would love to see them too =)

[jma1154]

No videos posted anywhere I can post some tomorrow, she was so adorable. I have bèen doing great all day, but have suddenly just gotten really down. I miss her so much. I miss that quite company that only they can give you. That feeling that no matter what else is wrong in the world, the quite time you spend just sitting together makes everything all right.
I too sang the sunshine song, but it was
You are my Casey, my only Casey you make me happy when I am sad, you'll never know oh how much I love you so don't u take Casey away.

I also had one that was
Beautiful girl lying in there, beautiful girl she's got chocolate hair, beautiful girl her name's Caseybug, beautiful girl she's the one that I love.

It was for when she wanted to sleep in her cage, and I wanted her in our bedroom. Worked every time. Her dad made Me change the last part to the one that we love rather than I.
Then there's...
Oh Caseybug, how beautiful, she's brown with green eyes too, she loves her mom and she loves her dad and we love her right back too. Oh Caseybug my baby girl. I love you so much child, and your so good, I love motherhood and now she smiles at me.
-note I never said they really made sense lol.

And.
Puppy pie puppy pie oh puppy, puppy, puppy
Badoop boop boop,
Caseybug, caseybug oh Casey, Casey, Casey
It would continue on till I ran out of names for her.

[gummysmurf]

Well great minds. I too am up unable to sleep, just missing Baxter. I've decided to move so that I can get another boxer, but it makes me so sad to think about leaving when I have so many memories of Baxter here. His nose prints still smudge my windows.

Love the songs. You should add them to the dog songs thread here: http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4624&highlight=songs

[jma1154]

I've got some new songs too. I don't know why these help but they do. My first words this morning were
The worst part of waking up is the absence of your love.

And ohcaseybugie I miss you
And know that you miss me too
Ohcaseybugie I'm offaly fond of you. (Rubber duckie song, so you can add in the boop boop be do boops.

Here's my new one tho.
I miss the way your eyes glow in the sunlight
I miss the way your paw reached out and made me right
I miss the those silky ears would feel
I miss you smile
I miss the way you moved

And I miss you love today
I miss you love today
I miss your love today
I miss you
I miss you

And I miss the way that you smiled
And all the days that you were wild
I miss your sweet tender kiss
But most of all what I miss is

I miss your love today
I miss your presence today
I miss your love today
I miss you
I miss you

I miss you.

it's not to any tune anyone's ever heard but it flows well.

[BugsMum]

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox

[gummysmurf]

Casey, I don't know if you saw one of my posts about the customized dog songs? When I was googling dog cancer I came across this website where they help fund cancer treatments for dogs. And there was a gentleman there named Randy Barr who wrote a song for his own dog, and offered to customize it for other dogs for people who donate to that cancer fund.

Anyway, I made a donation for you and Casey and got the song. I've posted it here: http://www.gummysmurf.com/2013/01/20/1333/.

Let me know if you want me to email it to you =)

[jma1154]

Oh my gosh, you are the sweetest thing in the world, you have me and Kevin bawling our eyes out of here. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts thank you!!?

[gummysmurf]

Very happy that you like it. We've been so similar, I thought you'd feel the same way about your song that I did about mine! =)

[jma1154]

I just thought of some additional things that made my Caseybug absolutely adorable and quirky.

She was afraid of heights.

She got carsick.

She wouldn't go to the bathroom anywhere but in a backyard.

She smiled ,it was elusive but adorable, she would never allow me to get it on camera but I was able to get it one time.

She fake snored, she would be sawing logs and you would go look at her and her eyes would be wide open and she'd just look right back at you. When she fell asleep the snoring would stop.

She once faked an injury when she saw another animal who had come to visit was getting too much attention. She was walking right in front of me and a friend when she slyly looked over and suddenly developed a limp,I said did you just see that and he said yeah, she just faked her limp t get attention, it worked not because we were worried she was hurt, but because it was too cute.

She was scared of tiny dogs.

She used too carry her pillow into the room, once she realized we were staying in one spot for a while. Then she'd go into the bedroom, grab her pillow, put it down right at your feet and begin her fake snoring.

She often treated her pillow like it was her mother trying to get milk from it, she would kneed and suck and kneed and suck.

That's all I've got for now.
Jill

[molly muffin]

Oh those are all adorable!
What a hoot she was, so much personality.
I bet she could get just about anything she wanted out of you and her daddy. :)

love,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

That's a wonderfully accurate guess, she had me wrapped around her little toe from day one. Kevin took a bit more work, but she finally succeeded. I got a call from the vet today, her remains are ready. I'm don't think I am ready to see her in a little box though.

[jma1154]

I was wrong, her daddy picked her up last night, kinda cute when he arrived he told the receptionist he was there to pick his Caseybug. She gave him a weird look, probably thinking that there were no dogs in the back. Afterwards he explained that I had gotten a call saying that her ashes were ready, a lightbulb turned on and she said yes they are right here. At first I had thought I really wasn't sure if I wanted them, I mean she's no longer here. But as soon as he brought them in I just felt an overwhelming sense of peace, she was home again. I set up a memorial with her ashes, some candles, cards and pictures. I walk by and kiss it every once in a while. I still miss her tremendously, I still at least a couple of times a day, each morning. Kevin has helped me with some ditties, he was always much better than me, our new one is
The worst part of waking up is that I can't pet my pup. It flows much better. I look at her pictures, I smile reminiscing about all the quirky things she did and the cute little things like she was afraid of heights, that's so adorable. I wish I could kiss her tummy a couple more times. I has no idea how wonderful that could be till closer to the end. I loved playing owl eyes with her. I would put my lips right above her nose, so it was cool to my lips but not wet. Then I would lay my lay up against the bridge of hers and open my eyes and we would be staring at each other eye to eye, we'd look like we had owl eyes. :-)
I included a picture in my album of her daddy doing it with her except his lips aren't on her nose which is part of the wonder of it all. It was soft and wonderful.

[Bo's Mom]

Awww, what sweet memories you have of Casey. I am glad you are finding peace in knowing that she will live forever in your heart and nothing will ever replace those wonderful memories you have. I think I am going to go try to do "owl eyes" with the boys tonight. :)
BTW...after getting Bo's last report that he has a macro growing, I decided then and there I was going to have all my pets cremated. When it is my turn to leave this wonderful Earth, I will also be cremated. I have made it part of my wishes to have all of our ashes spread among my parents so that we will all be together once more in so many more ways.

[labblab]

Hi Jill,

Just checking in on you guys this morning. I've been to your album and I love the new additions!

I'm very relieved to know that Casey is now back home with you once again. Of course, everything is different now and will remain so. But I too remember feeling surprised at my feeling of peace when my boy's cremains were returned to us. But things did shift for me once he was safely home again. Over time, my husband and I have spread some ashes at various places that were meaningful to all three of us. Especially along the forest paths where Barkis loved to run. I hope in my heart that his spirit still returns to those places he loved most. And knowing that his remains are physically nourishing those places have brought me some comfort. I still walk along those paths today with my girls, and whenever we pass one of "his" spots, I always call out to him to join us. On some level, in some way, I believe he does. And that brings me both smiles and tears.

Anyway, just wanted you to know I am thinking about you guys and sending along some morning hugs!

Marianne

[milosmom]

hi jill just passing by to say hi and took another look at your pictures...so adorable...take care...patty(milo)meka xoxox

[jma1154]

Thank you for checking up on me, I'm doing okay, it's still hard. I still cry a couple of times a day, I just miss her. Every once in a while I will be caught up in doing something where my mind is occupied and I come out to go outside and i'll expect to see her getting up to go with me, then my heart catches and I remember, she's not here. It's likely brain still does want to admit what my heart already knows. I dreamt of her last night though, she was swimming or simmin as we called it, (puppy talk). The loss of her makes the world a bit dimmer than it used to be, but I remember so many wonderful memories that we had together. I made a calendar of her, so those cute, fun times don't fade away. I already have and had pictures of her on the wall framed beneath mommy and daddy they've been there for awhile it's been there for a while but I am thinking of making a collage of photos of just her in our great room. I know that may seem a bit morbid, but not if you know me. Our great room is 90% of my Grammy's furniture, although she passed a long time ago it still gives me comfort to have her things around.just as Casey's toys and beds still lie just where she left them. Well not all of them. I stupidly got her a waterbed when last year I realized she was panting when it wasn't hot inside. It was to keep her cooler because all the water plus it had therapeutic qualities so that her joints didn't have so much pressure on them. She loved it and we pulled it out in the great room when the vet came. I've since had her dad move it back to where it used to be. I think I am rambling again, so I'll just say thank you to you all again and go light another candle. Thank you, Jill (Casey's mom)

[jma1154]

Posted some more photos, she was just so cute and so beautiful, and I am so thankful for the time I had with her. Love you Buggy.

[molly muffin]

Love the pictures!!!

Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

I've been having a rough couple of days the past week. Our house is so lonely these days I still look around for my bug even though I know that she not here. I miss her so much I just cry and cry and cry, I can't help it, I miss her love, her companionship, her ears I just miss her. I told Kevin that I don't know if I will be able to get another dog (or puppy as I called her) for a very long time. Part of me wants to, but I know that in my heart and in my mind if I get another one anytime soon I will be expecting Caseybug's personality, I'll expecting her, and will be really disappointed when the puppy doesn't have her personality and I realise once again that she is never coming back. That wouldn't be fair to myself or the new dog. So I sit and I think about Mybug and I cry and I listen to her breathing that I recorded, that gives me a bit of comfort. My whole body just relaxes each time I hear it. I look at her pictures and long to hold her and pet her and kiss her again. I long to play with her ears again and kiss her belly. I just miss my little girl.

[molly muffin]

This is all pretty new, so take all the time you need to grief for what is a huge part of your life. It's okay to do that you know. Grieve. It's a very individual emotion, each person experiences it differently. So, just do whatever it is that You need to do.
I'm sorry there are bad days so many times. :(
hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

In luei of how I've been feeling the last couple of days, I put together another video of my Caseybug. I think that the song is one that we can ALL relate to. Please go see it at
http://youtu.be/3o3Ene4qa9c

[molly muffin]

It's beautiful. Such an appropriate song too.

I hope that it helps you on those really bad days to take a look at the wonderful videos you've put together.

hugs,
Sharlene

[cheydogger]

I am so sorry to hear of Casey's passing. I am sitting here crying like a baby after reading your threads. Casey and Chey's stories seem very similar. I am dreading the day. I hope the days are getting a little easier. It is so heart breaking to lose them. They are our babies.

Big hugs,

Ro

[Simba's Mom]

Love the video, what a great tribute to your Caseybug!

[milosmom]

just saw your tribute to your baby and must tell you that you did a fantastic job !!! such nice pictures and memories that you guys can forever cherish...of course it is through my tears that i can relate to this very sad but surreal time in our lives when we miss our babies...hoping the future days for all of us will get brighter...sending peace,light,smiles,hugs..thank you for sharing this with all of us here.patty(milo)meka xoxox

[jma1154]

I have come to realize that time passes differently without my Caseybug. It feels like she has been gone forever, but I realize that the days are endless and one just runs into the other. I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun, she was diagnosed on November 26, 2012 and gone by January 16, 2013, such a short time that went by so fast. Here we are not even a month later and it feels like she's been gone forever. I still think about her everyday and miss her just as much, I still cry at least once a day, still say good night to her every night and wish her a good night sleep I've just added in where ever you are in heaven to the end of it. I've put her picture where her prayer to St.Francis of Assissi used to be and wake up each day looking at her,her daddy misses her too but loves the picture and where I have put it. I read her the tribute to a best friend poem yesterday along with all my posts, I guess I'm kinda looking back and hoping I'm making progress through this grief. I still can't believe it hasn't even been a month, I still light candles for her, her stuff is still hasn't moved, her toys still lay out, her beds and bowls are still there except her water bowl. Her pills still sit on the counter, I'm not ready to let go still. I guess I will leave you with her candlelight tribute from today. It said, Your friendship filled my life with love, joy and laughter. Thank you. ~ Mommy.

Jill

[labblab]

Oh Jill, I think you are right that time takes on its own shape depending on how our days are filled. I'll bet Casey is very proud of you and her dad -- the fact that you are allowing yourselves to make a few changes that feel right to you but at the same time preserving all of your loving memories. You take all the time you need before making major changes. In fact, you may never change some things and you may always leave certain reminders of Casey just as they are. These are all very personal connections to your girl, and you will be the best and only judge as to how and if they should shift. Jill, your candle is shining brightly for Casey. I feel certain she sees it and her tail is wagging her reply to her mommy and daddy.

Marianne

[milosmom]

hi there jill and this is beautifully written in honor of your baby.you take all the time that you need to heal your broken heart,i promise in due time the hurt will be less painful.it will be 2 months on the 17th when i helped milo over the bridge and i still have his bed beside mine and his other in the living room (also just in case meka feels the need for them)i pray time will bring our hearts peace....patty(milo)meka xoxox

[jma1154]

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts you have no idea how appreciated they are. I am still not working so it is hard being here all day without her, I try to keep myself busy on the computer or keep my mind busy with book, but her loss is still felt regardless. There are so many things that I just don't enjoy doing anymore because she's not here.that's it for now, thx for listening.

[brinkley_k]

l just got on here today . My best suggestion for you at your great loss is to get on petfinder.com or go to a local shelter to rescue a new love. All my dogs are rescues. l rescue them, but in reality they rescue me time and time again with their patient and unconditional love. The last pup l lost was a primitive rare breed; his name was Kaycee also, just spelled a different way. Best of wishes to fill that love, void in your aching heart. Karen xoxo & prayers

[apollo6]

My heart goes out to you, dear friend. I saw your tribute to your Casey. I started crying. I made one also for my Apollo. If it comforts you, watch it. I watch mine every day. My boy died in my arms on Sept 9, 2012. I cry everyday. I can share my experience. You do what you have to do. You grieve and mourn in your own way. He was your baby and no one can discount that. I wrote a letter about all the things I was grateful for Apollo, I journaled and wrote letters to him every day. I left his things in the house and would just fall down on his beds, in tears holding onto the beds. I put his bed on my bed to comfort me. It has been almost 5 months and the loss is just as new. I went to a grief support group at the humane society to talk about my loss. Like you the silence and emptiness in the house was unbearable. I thought I could not go through having another pet. But something kept driving me to look on line at dachshunds. I prayed asked my Apollo what he thought. I needed the time to grieve Apollo's loss. In December I adopted a little dachshund. He has helped me a lot. It is a mixed blessing, I felt I needed to share that love again, at the same time it reminded to much of Apollo's losse. He was my one and only. But Arial is a new chapter and keeps Apollo alive for me. A part of me died with Apollo. I also got a book on grieving the loss of a pet. It was not and still is hard for me.
So let us help you through this very difficult time.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[molly muffin]

Hugs Jill. Grief is a very personal thing and it takes however much time it takes to get through it. There isn't anything that says today you'll feel better. Some days will be good and some days won't be as good. I think time does move differently with them gone from our lives. You go from an almost constant worry, watching, taking care of, to emptiness. That is a huge change for anyone to adapt to.
It was a year after my Tasha passed before I was ready to meet Molly and welcome her to our lives. Nothing will ever replace Caseybug in your heart. We all know that very well on here.
Hugs, Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[jma1154]

It's not getting any easier, if anything each day that goes by it seems tobe getting harder, I have thought about a support group(besides you guys) buy I just can't do the face to face thing with ppl, I don't like to have ppl see me cry. I don't know, the pain isn't all encompassing anymore it just an emptiness in my life. I cry a couple of times a day and not just a few stray tears. That's all for now.

[jma1154]

I got a job, it hasn't helped missing my Caseybug though. I miss her so much, I wonder if the pain will ever go away.that's all I have for now

[molly muffin]

I'm so glad to hear from you. I think that is great that you got a job. It seems like fate, I lit a candle for Casey tonight on the candle website.
I don't know if the pain goes away exactly, but it does eventually change to a different kind of pain, a longing and missing, with poignant memories.
Hugs,
Sharlene

[milosmom]

hey jill !!! don't want you to feel abandoned or alone,we are all here to support,love and honor our babies !!!all i can say is that i feel blessed to have found this forum of fabulous ,loving,understanding .,supportive people.we all have been following your caseybugs journey and for sure you have lots of eyes,ears and hearts to follow you through this tough journey.i know this journey and am so grateful for this forum to help me get through the heartache....sending you love,light and peace patty(MILO) meka xoxox

[labblab]

Hi Jill, just want you to know I am here, too, sending warm and loving thoughts your way. I am so glad you are still checking in with us. I know it is still very hard for you, and that is why we want to be here for you -- to listen and to share hugs!!!

Is the new job doing something you think you will enjoy once some more time passes?

Marianne

[jma1154]

It been almost a year now without my baby girl, I still miss her every single day. Its still hard getting up in the mornings and looking at myself in the mirror, knowing that the one I loved most in life; I was unable to save. It's just hard, I still say goodnight to her every night and tell her I love and I miss her. Kevin and I got married in October and both had in memory tokens on us, his was on his bouteneire (didn't spell that right) one 1 side was her picture, the flip side read ' With me today and always'. Mine was on my flowers with a picture on the flip side read 'I'll keep a part of you with me & everywhere I am there you'll be'. Its my song to her. Christmas was hard, I'm sure that it will always be hard. I put up a tree at my mom's urging thinking it would make me feel better... I put it 2 days before Christmas and took it down the day after, it just made me sad. I haven't been working in the yard gardening like I used to although it's the perfect time of year for that, just haven't felt the desire to get out there. I read alot, l was working as a contractor in HR but my contract ended about a month ago so I am once again looking for work. Think that's all I got fr now. Miss you Caseybug!

[labblab]

Oh Jill, welcome back to us! I know how hard it must be to face this first anniversary, so I am really grateful you've come back to let us join you in honoring Casey. I cannot believe a year has already gone by. I am so touched by the way you and Kevin made Casey a part of your wedding day. That was so incredibly sweet.

All the "firsts" are so hard, though, and especially Christmas. It is impossible not to compare the empty days to the ones that came before, when everything was happy and normal. It is very, very hard to find a "new" normal. :o

But at least things remain the same, here! We are here with you, and for you, like always. I am really glad to see you once again.

Sending both you and Kevin my warmest thoughts, always in loving memory of your sweet girl.
Marianne

[molly muffin]

Big warm hugs Jill. I saw Caseybug's thread pop up in my email and I didn't even open it, I just knew, it's been a year. :( My mind immediately went back to all the wonderful pictures and the tributes you put together for Casey.
I know that her spirit, her love was there for your wedding. How could it not be.
I know we've talked about it so many times, but grief takes it's own time, and I don't think you will ever Not miss her. She was and is a huge part of your life.
Sending you big hugs
Sharlene and Molly muffin

[jma1154]

Thank you.

[jma1154]

1year without my precious girl today. I have spent the day crying, smiling and remembering all the things that made her so very, very special. Like how independent she was, even when she tore her ACL as a pup she still tried jumping into and out of my Rav4. Or when she was a puppy how you'd tell her no and she would throw a tantrum stomping her front paws and shaking her head back and forth followed by this pout she got on her face as if to say 'I don't like that word' it was utterly adorable. Or when she when she'd naw on her daddy's socks and she would be so content, I would just lay there for hours with her knowing that I had stuff I needed to do but it was just so relaxing to watch her. Or when she got would get too close to a low table and with that tail going back and forth stuff would just go flying off that table. But most of all I miss her smile, she had her half Elvis smile as I called it where she'd just lift one lip and it would sorta curl up and under. And then she has her megawatt smile when she was happy as could be... We used to get that one each time we walked in the door. Oh it was so beautiful, she; was so beautiful. She had this light about her that you couldn't help but smile at, even the day that I was told that her cancer had spread to her brain and liver, I remember the girl that brought us back and took her vitals said, 'well aren't you the happiest pup I've seen all day or week' and Caseybug just wagged her tail even harder and smiled her Elvis grin. And then we were told the horrible news. But even then although she had only been there two or three times, every vet assistant that had ever seen her there came out to tell her what a good girl she was and give (and get) some love. She had endless amounts of love for everybody, when we would be working out front in the yard and she would just be lying on the by the front door or in the drive way and she would see whether it be a kid(she liked those the most) or an adult, first the tail would begin thumping and then this hopeful look would enter her eyes and she'd pick her head up and then if whomever was walking by noticed her and wanted to say hi possibly she stand and begin shifting her weight back and forth on her front feet and look over at her dad all excited like, and say can I go, can I go and say hi? Oh please please please please please? And if the people looked receptive he or I would nod and say go ahead, and she'd run out to meet the passerby, tail going a million miles a minute and smile firmly in place and go give kisses. Or if they didn't seem receptive we'd say no stay and she would have those ears perked forward anticipating that any minute they would see her and wouldn't be able to resist her draw... She really did draw people in, like I said she just had this light about her. She was, and still is Mommy's liitle girl and she was perfect.

[mytil]

Big (((hugs))) Jill,

I surely am glad you have popped in, please do not be a stranger. I know your sweet girl is watching over you.

Always remembering your sweetie pie!
Terry

[jma1154]

Well today is not an anniversary or birthday, its just a rough day. Been without the love of my life now for 568 days now or a little over a year and a half. I still think about her everyday, I say good night to her every night, and occasionally I still talk to her. I got a tattoo of 3 paw prints behind my right ear, its something I've wanted for awhile and it reminds me that I'm never alone. I have really good days when I am able to talk about her and smile and how loving she was and how she brightened my life with her spirit. But everyone once in awhile a day comes along where it just knocks me off my rocker and I just cry and cry for my loss. I still have this horrible guilt regardless of what kind of day it is. Its not due to thinking it was too soon anymore, I can look at the pictures of her and see that she was not loving life so much anymore although I still see hope in her eyes. The guilt comes from allowing myself to listen to the doctor and my husband who for years made fun of me taking her to the vet for any perceived problem she may or may not have and letting that affect me. So that when she started drinking a lot of water and loosing muscle mass I didn't do anything right away. I actually have an email that is still in my drafts folder to the vet cataloging all the things I was noticing, & I remember specifically looking at the time about when her last visit was, we had been there 3 months prior and the vet had told me then 'you don't have to bring her in every 6 months a annual checkup is sufficient.' So I didn't send the email because it had only been3 months. I go though the what ifs , what if I had taken her at that time and they had taken the blood work then. Maybe we could have caught the tumor before it was too late. Its a vicious vicious cycle and it unfortunately boils down to my mistake in not having acted sooner and its something that I have to live with. I guess you learn from your mistakes, I just wish I could have learned from something that didn't mean the world to me. Whew, deep breath. I miss my bug, and I miss her loving presence in my live. I miss her silky soft ears and her killer tail, I miss her funny ways and her beautiful smile. I once wrote about who will come and comfort me when she is gone , the answer is no one, our new dog doesn't know to give comfort when I cry, and everyone else thinks that I should be past this by now so I hide my tears when my Hubby's home or dry my eyes before he gets home and I don't say anything regarding why it looks like I've been crying and neither does he and we both seem okay with that. I don't answer my mom's calls when my nose is all stuffy from crying and we can all go on acting like everything is okay. It just easier that way, people get tired bringing up the loss that I still feel and hurt that resonates from my heart. So I act like I'm just fine and most days I can convince myself that I am. That's it for now, like I said I was just kinda waylayed by this day. I do have a lot more good or okay days than sad days, but every once in awhile I guess I just need to let it all out again. To my Caseybug, I love you and miss you very much my baby girl. You are still the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life and the most precious. Thank you for all the love you shared with me xoxo. Mommy.

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Jill,

I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to post about missing sweet Caseybug and I do hope you always will. We absolutely understand how you feel and we will always be here for you. I really don't think one ever stops missing their furbaby, their memory is forever ingrained in our hearts and our love for them is eternal.

Sending huge and loving hugs to you, Lori

[addy]

I think we all relate to your writing. I can imagine myself writing those words next February so please know you are not alone, that there is not anything wrong with you, and it is ok to not be over your darling's death. I don't think we ever recover fully from losing our pups.

A friend of mine said to me "No one loves you like your dog". She was so very correct with that statement. No one does love us like our dogs do. How could we ever get over losing them?

Big Hugs

[jma1154]

I can't believe its been two years in which I haven't been able to hold my little girl close, play owl eyes, or kiss that sweet nose while looking into those beautiful eyes. I still have your pictures up all over the house, it makes me feel like your still here with me. I know that you visit often, I can feel you when you are near. They say that the pain fades with time and I suppose it does, but its always there. Whenever, I see a lab walking down the street I remember your love, our time together, the happiness you infused into our lives and finally the longing to be with you again. I guess thats the difference, the pain turns to longing, though the tears still fall, I am able to remember all the goodness, the laughter, the joy, the warmth, and the love you brought into our lives. And those memories are enough to carry me through until we're together again. Thank you my precious little girl. Mommy loves you and misses you always.

[Harley PoMMom]

Dearest Jill,

Sending huge and loving hugs to you, Lori

[apollo6]

Dear Jill
Understand only to well how you feel. She will always be a part of you. When you love so deeply, a part of you is lost. Wrap your self in the love and memories.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[jma1154]

Happy day before your birthday baby girl!
Tomorrow would be my little girl's 14th birthday, and although she is not in my arms again this year, she'll always be in my heart. And I'm gonna celebrate her life like I have each year before. She will always be my little girl, I will always miss her with every fiber of my being, but I also feel glad that I was blessed to get to have her in my life and my memories of her make me stronger.

I also have a poem this time... The author is Jim Willis

I Loved You Best....

So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you'll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on, I'll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren't you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this...I loved you best.


Happy Birthday Caseybug!

[mytil]

Happy Birthday sweet angel Casey!!!! What a wonderful way to celebrate your life together!

(((hugs)))
Terry

[Bo's Mom]

Happy Birthday, Sweet Casey!!!

[labblab]

Jill, it's so good to have you back. I know this must be such a bittersweet day for you, and we remain grateful for the opportunity to join you in your celebration and to support you in your loss. Nobody and nothing can ever replace your Bug. She was, and forever remains, your true and special love.

We love her, too, Jill! So Happy Birthday, sweet Spirit Casey!!! The day you entered this world was the day you brought countless gifts to your mom.

Sending my best wishes to you both, today and always.
Marianne