Squirt's Mom
11-05-2012, 11:59 AM
I haven’t posted about Tasha before for several reasons, tho she does have an album here. Primarily, I didn’t expect to keep her when she first came and had even found her a home in NC. But right after finding her a home I learned she has breast cancer and decided not to put her through any more changes for the time she had left. But over this last week, I have decided to share her journey with our family here. There are several currently, and will be others to come, who are walking a path that holds no hope for recovery. We have babies who have been dealt a hand that is very difficult for us as parents to accept and live with. But thankfully, deeply thankful, our babies don’t know how to read those cards. It is our burden to bear alone. So I decided to share our journey today. I hope it will explain some of the changes you may have noticed in my participation here, and let those who are in the same place know you are not alone here either.
Tasha’s story as I understand it – (this is going to be long so bear with me)
Tasha is a tiny Boston Terrier, a 12 pounder, who’s first mom died of breast cancer last year. She had lived with her mom all her life. When her mom passed, the human kids took her to our vet and abandoned her there. She lived at the clinic for 3-4 months, going home with Doc and the techs from time to time. I met Tash while we were still living in the camper and told Doc that we would be moving into a house soon; if she hadn’t found a home by then I would be glad to foster her for them and try to find her a new home. About a month before we actually moved, a lady came into the clinic and said she would take Tasha. She did and Doc told me Tash had a home.
The first week we were in our new house (first of May), I had to take someone to the vet and the first thing they said when we walked in the door was, “Guess who’s back?” The lady had brought Tasha back saying she couldn’t get along with her dogs. (Tash gets along with everyone and everything! LOVES kids! :confused:) I took Tasha home with me that day. I knew she had pretty bad allergies so as we were checking out, I looked her over just for good measure and noticed lumps all over her belly. Doc said she probably had cysts from not being spayed.
Within 3 days, I noticed blood drops on the floor and furniture where she would lay and in looking her over, I realized her nipples were bleeding, one pretty freely. So I took her in to see Doc several times over the next few weeks. Xrays and blood work told the tale – she has breast cancer and it had already metastasized to her lungs and abdomen. She is riddled with masses. :( Doc had been told Tasha was 12 but she is closer to 14 or 15. Because of her age, the extent of the spread, and my financial situation, we decided not to put her through surgery to remove the mammary glands and other masses that might could be excised. Nor would she leave our home – she WAS home. Tasha has had some other xrays to check the growth, and the masses are growing and spreading. So we are working to keep her comfortable for as long as possible.
Tasha is a very happy little girl. She is just simply eat up with that Boston magic that makes this breed so very lovable. ;) When she first came, we would play fetch until my arm couldn’t toss another thing down the hall or across the room. She didn’t care; she would get a toy and toss it herself, rolling around the floor with it in her mouth, grinning from ear to ear. She never walked but bounced everywhere, her steps springing. If she had a long tail, she would have been doing the Tigger boing-boing! :p You didn’t pet Tash, you wrestled with her and let her rub and bounce on you. She has what I call a giggle belly – you go to rub her belly and she starts twisting and flopping, kicking her legs like crazy, with that goofy grin on her face. You are very lucky if you get a belly rub in! And she loves for you to try. When she woke in the mornings, she would drop her front down in play posture, tapping the floor with her front paws as she bounced. She used to do a sit-n-spin where she sat on her back just above her tail with her back legs in the air, using the front legs to spin herself around in a circle at an amazing speed. :p It was hilarious to see and gave her a great deal of joy. She would bound out of the spin and go racing through the house, that silly grin plastered across her face. When I would sit, she would fly into my lap, not to sit and be loved on, oh no…it was time to PLAY! It was like trying to hold onto a large fish flopping around.
Tash is deaf as a door knob and has lost sight in one eye but that doesn’t bother her in the least. She has learned a couple of signs – ones for come, stay, go back – and does very well with them. When she first came, we didn’t have a fence yet and she got away from me a few times. Every time she would go across the street and down three houses, up on the porch there, and stand at the front door staring. I have learned there is an elderly man living there who is dying of cancer and I think she smells things that remind her of her mom coming from that house so she went there hoping her mom would open the door. :( I was always glad she went straight there because she couldn’t hear me and didn’t look behind her so she could see her signs. With the fence up, she is safe and has learned to enjoy being outside a bit more than she did. I think she was always leash walked to do her business and didn’t have a yard to play in as she didn’t know what to do with her freedom from the leash at first.
When she first came home, I took her off the Science Diet she had been eating, feeding her more fresh foods, and started her on some OTC allergy meds. Her allergies improved dramatically and she no longer required the shots she had to take for them. She still needs some help from the OTC allergy meds from time to time but not daily like she did – the pred is helping there as well. Our main battle today is her respiration. Her breathing has gotten pretty bad, lots of wheezing, coughing, hacking up stuff, waking at nite coughing and hacking. Walking up the ramp to the porch is an effort most days. She was started on Hydrocodone cough syrup and Temeril-P this past Thurs., adding it to the Lasix and pred she now takes daily. And there is no doubt in my mind if she was tested, she would be diagnosed with PDH – Tash probably has Iatrogenic Cushing’s; she has strong cush signs. She eats some kibble, duck based, but mostly she eats fish, veggies and fruits. She gets Turmeric in her food daily and Aloe Vera about twice a week – these herbs are supposed to help control tumors, shrinking them. As seems to always be the case when it comes to nutrition, there is controversy about diets for cancer pups but I have chosen to follow the thinking that mammal tissue isn’t best for them so I primarily use fish, veggies and fruit.
The ensuing months have brought many changes to this sweet little girl. First she lost weight, about 2 lbs, but is now gaining. Of course, we are indulging. If she wants a bite of something, she gets it; if she likes it, she gets 5 or 6 bites! ;) Her energy level has fallen off a great deal. Tasha can no longer play fetch, jumping requires effort, and sleep is her primary “activity” these days. Her steps are more cautious, seldom springing. The other day she wanted to play so I rolled a toy across the floor about 2’. After a couple of rolls which she would walk over to get then bring back to do again, she wheezed over to it in a shambling walk, picked it up and took it to bed where she fell asleep with it in her mouth. This is the extent of her “play” with toys now. She carries toys around with her from sleeping spot to sleeping spot. She always wants to be loved on and it is much easier to get a belly rub in now as the giggle belly takes a lot of energy and she can’t always give it.
This last Thurs. when I took her in for Doc for a quality of life eval and to hear how she was struggling to breath, I didn’t think she would be coming back home. And this wasn’t the first time I had taken her in thinking that only to bring her back with me once again. She started vomiting about 4-5 weeks ago and couldn’t stop. This, or stopping eating, was among the signs I have been told to watch for that would signal the end. She wanted to eat, had a strong appetite, just couldn’t keep anything in. Doc said since she wanted to eat we would try to help her do that first and sent us home with four Cerenia tablets. If that didn’t help, we were to come back. Two pills down and the vomiting stopped and hasn’t happened again. On four other occasions I have watched her struggle and seem to decline by the hour, deciding that I would make “the call” the following morning only to be awakened by her prancing down the hall, once again having rallied. She dearly loves Doc and the staff at the clinic so when we go see them, she gets very excited and doesn’t look or act as if she is the least bit sick – other than her breathing. When we were there Thurs., Doc said if she didn’t calm down she was going to have a heart attack – which is my fear…that she will fall over because she gets so excited about something and can’t get enough oxygen to supply her needs, causing a burden her heart can’t take. :( Our instructions Thurs. were to give her until today to improve; if she didn’t, we were to come back and do what had to be done. By Sat. morning I had seen no improvement but by that night, she didn’t require the cough syrup and by last nite was breathing better. So we have been granted another reprieve.
So this is Tasha’s story and where we are today.
Our days together are numbered, no question about it. I find myself in a place where I don’t know what to do or think most of the time. Is it right to keep her going via meds? Is it wrong to let her go while she still finds some joy? Do I ask her to hang on until she has nothing left at all? Doc said Thurs. it would be so hard to put one down who is as happy as Tash in spite of being so very sick and he is absolutely right. When she has those times she seems to rally, the thoughts come that maybe, just maybe, what we saw on the films is wrong – a glitch perhaps – and she is really ok, just old and lumpy; it’s the allergies making her respiration so bad….on and on. I have guilt at times for thinking she has had enough and preparing to let her go only to find drugs that help or have her tell me, “not yet.” I have guilt at times for making her hold on a little longer, for pumping more drugs into her just to keep her here. I have a great deal of anger at times toward that lady who took her then brought her back…and toward the family that abandoned her in the first place…and toward the injustice that this sweet girl has been asked to cope with such upheaval and illness in her old age…and toward the helplessness I feel so much of the time. And then there are those times when I see some of the old Tash in her and my own joy bounds upward just to be with there with her.
Hour to hour our world changes; sometimes for the good, sometimes not. With every perk up, my heart sings and squeezes hope until it screams; with every sign of decline, my heart shatters and hope flies out the window. I know what this roller coaster journey is doing to me - and Tash has only been with me 6 months. I read your stories here, your similar journeys, and I want to talk to you, I try to talk to you, but I can’t. I know that for every minute I have curled up and given in to tears, you have done the same for hours on end. I hold my secret fears and know you hold yours too. I know beyond question that the emotions I am feeling are magnified in you a thousand-fold and it simply overwhelms me. I may not always be able to speak to you on your threads but my heart is always with you.
This is a path I don’t wish on anyone but we aren’t always given the option. For those of us who find ourselves in this Valley now, my hands are joined with yours and we will walk on together toward the Light that does shine ahead.
Hugs,
Leslie
Tasha’s story as I understand it – (this is going to be long so bear with me)
Tasha is a tiny Boston Terrier, a 12 pounder, who’s first mom died of breast cancer last year. She had lived with her mom all her life. When her mom passed, the human kids took her to our vet and abandoned her there. She lived at the clinic for 3-4 months, going home with Doc and the techs from time to time. I met Tash while we were still living in the camper and told Doc that we would be moving into a house soon; if she hadn’t found a home by then I would be glad to foster her for them and try to find her a new home. About a month before we actually moved, a lady came into the clinic and said she would take Tasha. She did and Doc told me Tash had a home.
The first week we were in our new house (first of May), I had to take someone to the vet and the first thing they said when we walked in the door was, “Guess who’s back?” The lady had brought Tasha back saying she couldn’t get along with her dogs. (Tash gets along with everyone and everything! LOVES kids! :confused:) I took Tasha home with me that day. I knew she had pretty bad allergies so as we were checking out, I looked her over just for good measure and noticed lumps all over her belly. Doc said she probably had cysts from not being spayed.
Within 3 days, I noticed blood drops on the floor and furniture where she would lay and in looking her over, I realized her nipples were bleeding, one pretty freely. So I took her in to see Doc several times over the next few weeks. Xrays and blood work told the tale – she has breast cancer and it had already metastasized to her lungs and abdomen. She is riddled with masses. :( Doc had been told Tasha was 12 but she is closer to 14 or 15. Because of her age, the extent of the spread, and my financial situation, we decided not to put her through surgery to remove the mammary glands and other masses that might could be excised. Nor would she leave our home – she WAS home. Tasha has had some other xrays to check the growth, and the masses are growing and spreading. So we are working to keep her comfortable for as long as possible.
Tasha is a very happy little girl. She is just simply eat up with that Boston magic that makes this breed so very lovable. ;) When she first came, we would play fetch until my arm couldn’t toss another thing down the hall or across the room. She didn’t care; she would get a toy and toss it herself, rolling around the floor with it in her mouth, grinning from ear to ear. She never walked but bounced everywhere, her steps springing. If she had a long tail, she would have been doing the Tigger boing-boing! :p You didn’t pet Tash, you wrestled with her and let her rub and bounce on you. She has what I call a giggle belly – you go to rub her belly and she starts twisting and flopping, kicking her legs like crazy, with that goofy grin on her face. You are very lucky if you get a belly rub in! And she loves for you to try. When she woke in the mornings, she would drop her front down in play posture, tapping the floor with her front paws as she bounced. She used to do a sit-n-spin where she sat on her back just above her tail with her back legs in the air, using the front legs to spin herself around in a circle at an amazing speed. :p It was hilarious to see and gave her a great deal of joy. She would bound out of the spin and go racing through the house, that silly grin plastered across her face. When I would sit, she would fly into my lap, not to sit and be loved on, oh no…it was time to PLAY! It was like trying to hold onto a large fish flopping around.
Tash is deaf as a door knob and has lost sight in one eye but that doesn’t bother her in the least. She has learned a couple of signs – ones for come, stay, go back – and does very well with them. When she first came, we didn’t have a fence yet and she got away from me a few times. Every time she would go across the street and down three houses, up on the porch there, and stand at the front door staring. I have learned there is an elderly man living there who is dying of cancer and I think she smells things that remind her of her mom coming from that house so she went there hoping her mom would open the door. :( I was always glad she went straight there because she couldn’t hear me and didn’t look behind her so she could see her signs. With the fence up, she is safe and has learned to enjoy being outside a bit more than she did. I think she was always leash walked to do her business and didn’t have a yard to play in as she didn’t know what to do with her freedom from the leash at first.
When she first came home, I took her off the Science Diet she had been eating, feeding her more fresh foods, and started her on some OTC allergy meds. Her allergies improved dramatically and she no longer required the shots she had to take for them. She still needs some help from the OTC allergy meds from time to time but not daily like she did – the pred is helping there as well. Our main battle today is her respiration. Her breathing has gotten pretty bad, lots of wheezing, coughing, hacking up stuff, waking at nite coughing and hacking. Walking up the ramp to the porch is an effort most days. She was started on Hydrocodone cough syrup and Temeril-P this past Thurs., adding it to the Lasix and pred she now takes daily. And there is no doubt in my mind if she was tested, she would be diagnosed with PDH – Tash probably has Iatrogenic Cushing’s; she has strong cush signs. She eats some kibble, duck based, but mostly she eats fish, veggies and fruits. She gets Turmeric in her food daily and Aloe Vera about twice a week – these herbs are supposed to help control tumors, shrinking them. As seems to always be the case when it comes to nutrition, there is controversy about diets for cancer pups but I have chosen to follow the thinking that mammal tissue isn’t best for them so I primarily use fish, veggies and fruit.
The ensuing months have brought many changes to this sweet little girl. First she lost weight, about 2 lbs, but is now gaining. Of course, we are indulging. If she wants a bite of something, she gets it; if she likes it, she gets 5 or 6 bites! ;) Her energy level has fallen off a great deal. Tasha can no longer play fetch, jumping requires effort, and sleep is her primary “activity” these days. Her steps are more cautious, seldom springing. The other day she wanted to play so I rolled a toy across the floor about 2’. After a couple of rolls which she would walk over to get then bring back to do again, she wheezed over to it in a shambling walk, picked it up and took it to bed where she fell asleep with it in her mouth. This is the extent of her “play” with toys now. She carries toys around with her from sleeping spot to sleeping spot. She always wants to be loved on and it is much easier to get a belly rub in now as the giggle belly takes a lot of energy and she can’t always give it.
This last Thurs. when I took her in for Doc for a quality of life eval and to hear how she was struggling to breath, I didn’t think she would be coming back home. And this wasn’t the first time I had taken her in thinking that only to bring her back with me once again. She started vomiting about 4-5 weeks ago and couldn’t stop. This, or stopping eating, was among the signs I have been told to watch for that would signal the end. She wanted to eat, had a strong appetite, just couldn’t keep anything in. Doc said since she wanted to eat we would try to help her do that first and sent us home with four Cerenia tablets. If that didn’t help, we were to come back. Two pills down and the vomiting stopped and hasn’t happened again. On four other occasions I have watched her struggle and seem to decline by the hour, deciding that I would make “the call” the following morning only to be awakened by her prancing down the hall, once again having rallied. She dearly loves Doc and the staff at the clinic so when we go see them, she gets very excited and doesn’t look or act as if she is the least bit sick – other than her breathing. When we were there Thurs., Doc said if she didn’t calm down she was going to have a heart attack – which is my fear…that she will fall over because she gets so excited about something and can’t get enough oxygen to supply her needs, causing a burden her heart can’t take. :( Our instructions Thurs. were to give her until today to improve; if she didn’t, we were to come back and do what had to be done. By Sat. morning I had seen no improvement but by that night, she didn’t require the cough syrup and by last nite was breathing better. So we have been granted another reprieve.
So this is Tasha’s story and where we are today.
Our days together are numbered, no question about it. I find myself in a place where I don’t know what to do or think most of the time. Is it right to keep her going via meds? Is it wrong to let her go while she still finds some joy? Do I ask her to hang on until she has nothing left at all? Doc said Thurs. it would be so hard to put one down who is as happy as Tash in spite of being so very sick and he is absolutely right. When she has those times she seems to rally, the thoughts come that maybe, just maybe, what we saw on the films is wrong – a glitch perhaps – and she is really ok, just old and lumpy; it’s the allergies making her respiration so bad….on and on. I have guilt at times for thinking she has had enough and preparing to let her go only to find drugs that help or have her tell me, “not yet.” I have guilt at times for making her hold on a little longer, for pumping more drugs into her just to keep her here. I have a great deal of anger at times toward that lady who took her then brought her back…and toward the family that abandoned her in the first place…and toward the injustice that this sweet girl has been asked to cope with such upheaval and illness in her old age…and toward the helplessness I feel so much of the time. And then there are those times when I see some of the old Tash in her and my own joy bounds upward just to be with there with her.
Hour to hour our world changes; sometimes for the good, sometimes not. With every perk up, my heart sings and squeezes hope until it screams; with every sign of decline, my heart shatters and hope flies out the window. I know what this roller coaster journey is doing to me - and Tash has only been with me 6 months. I read your stories here, your similar journeys, and I want to talk to you, I try to talk to you, but I can’t. I know that for every minute I have curled up and given in to tears, you have done the same for hours on end. I hold my secret fears and know you hold yours too. I know beyond question that the emotions I am feeling are magnified in you a thousand-fold and it simply overwhelms me. I may not always be able to speak to you on your threads but my heart is always with you.
This is a path I don’t wish on anyone but we aren’t always given the option. For those of us who find ourselves in this Valley now, my hands are joined with yours and we will walk on together toward the Light that does shine ahead.
Hugs,
Leslie