Baxter the Boxer - Atypical Cushings - Baxter has passed

[gummysmurf]

Hi all - I'd appreciate any suggestions on treatment options for my 10 year old Boxer. I'll go into his recent history which may or may not have relevance to the atypical Cushings diagnosis, but I wanted to mention it because the timing of all the issues seems so coincidental.

It started with him bleeding from his (ahem) penis. It was a bloody drip and it didn't respond to antibiotics. About 6 weeks into treatment with a variety of antibiotics my vet thought it might be cancer and referred me to an internal specialist. Ultrasound and x-rays turned up nothing so he basically said he didn't think it was cancer and he couldn't think of any non invasive ways to find the problem.

Around this time Baxter started panting, a lot. He was also drinking a lot of water, so I had them do a urine culture yet again, and it turned up positive for a corynebacterium and we finally got him on the right antibiotics for that. Baxter initially perked up, but then he became lethargic again and the panting became more pronounced. He would wake up with these really heavy panting spells and it freaked me out. One night he fainted when I was playing with him. He rolled over onto his back and had a seizure.

New diagnosis from the vet: Boxer cardiomyopathy. He is currently on two medications, Soltalol and Mexilitene to help with that. Neither the panting or the lethargy improved (although the bloody drip got fixed).

Cushings test came back negative. I insisted on the atypical test and it came back positive. FINALLY! A diagnosis. He's been on melatonin and flax hulls for about a month now, and it's really helped with the panting. He doesn't pant at rest now, and moderate walking is fine too, although the stairs will start it up again. But it's been tough finding the right dose - one that helps the symptoms but doesn't knock him out all day.

Concerns: I'm not sure if the melatonin is doing enough. He still pants really easily. He seems to have good days and bad days where he'll perk up, or sleep all day. I'm considering getting him on the stronger stuff, but I'm not sure if it's worth the potential for side effects, especially since he already has a heart condition. His liver enzymes are elevated already.

His Progesterone and Aldosterone are off the chart low. Is there any treatment to bring those numbers up? Is there medication to address all of the hormonal irregularities?

Additional Info: He is low thyroid, on thyroid meds already.

This is an Excel spreadsheet (http://www.gummysmurf.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/BaxtersBloodWork.xls) where I've been tracking his labs, it may be easier to read. There are two tabs - the first is for regular blood tests, the second is for the hormone assay.

Lab Result:
Bicarbonate: 27 (15 - 25 normal)
AST(SGOT): 12 (15 - 66 normal)
ALK Phosphatase: 192 (5 - 131 normal)
Lipase: 1301 (77 - 695 normal)

All Values from the endocrinology report were abnormal, either in the baseline or the post ACTH result.

Endocrinology Report from UT
Baseline/Post ACTH
Androstenedione .34/ > 10.0
Estradiol: 86.4 / 85.2
Progesterone: .13 / 2.95
17 OH Progesterone: < .08 / < 3.67
Aldosterone: < 11.0 /< 11.0

Endocrinology Ranges
Normal Pre-Range Normal Post-Range
0.05- 0.36 / 0.24- 2.90 (androstenedione)
23.10- 65.10 / 23.30- 69.40 (estradiol)
0.03- 0.17 / 0.22- 1.45 (progesterone)
0.08- 0.22 / 0.25- 2.63 (17 OH Progesterone)
11.00- 139.90 / 72.90- 398.50 (Aldisterone)



Notes from UT
indicates presence of increased adrenal activity (moderate)
Sex steroid pathway is affected. Although estradiol may contribute to clinical signs it is not a good indicator of adrenal activity since it is also secreted by peripheral tissues (adipose, skin). In this case the source is not known. Treatment options are attached for your consideration. Some vets may consider initially items 2-4 combined *5 combined if not effective) if symptomatic.

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[Harley PoMMom]

Hi and welcome to you and your boy,

The treatment for Atypical Cushing's (melatonin & lignan) takes a while to be effective. Improvements from this treatment can take around 6 months to show.

What is the dosage of melatonin your boy is taking? Also, what kind/dosage is the lignan? How much does your boy weigh?

One of our Moderators, Lesley, has her sweet Squirt on the Atypical treatment plus using the low-dose of Lysodren and Squirt is doing wonderfully. I am sure Lesley will be around soon to share her advice/opinions.

Please know we will help in any way we can so do not hesitate to ask any and all questions.

Love and hugs,
Lori

[molly muffin]

Hello and welcome. Although I don't have any experience with the atypical cushings, I did want to say hello. This is a good forum with a lot of very informed and experienced people. So I'm sure that there will be those who can help you.

Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[gummysmurf]

Wow thanks for the quick replies and great welcome! It's such a relief to finally have a diagnosis - I've been through the ringer the past four months. There have been some scary moments. Even now I still find myself checking to make sure Baxter is still breathing sometimes when he's asleep. We had some close calls.

I read that it can take up to 4 months for the cushings to improve, but I thought that meant noticeable improvement in the lab test results. Baxter's panting improved tremendously in the first week that he was on melatonin - but maybe that was because he ended up sleeping so much that first week?

Baxter weighed 83 lbs at last check.

Initially we did 5 mgs of melatonin twice a day. When I took him back to the vet with concern about the constant sleeping (thought it might be a recurrence of the heart arrythmia) he told me to back off to 3 mgs twice a day. Did that for about a week and a half but the panting became more noticeable. And by that I mean that it came back a little when walking him, and about 1 - 2 hours before his next dose was due he'd start panting. So now I'm doing 3 mgs in the morning and the 5 mgs at night.

There are still some signs of panting about an hour prior to the next dose, and sometimes, when he first gets up and moves from a nap there is some weird raspy breathing. But then it clears up. I'd say his panting behavior is about 70% improved, although the slightest bit of exercise will trigger it again.

To summarize, current dosage:
Half a scoop twice a day of the flax from flaxhulls.com.
3 mg melatonin in the AM, 5 mg in the PM

I know the treatment is supposed to lower the estradiol and androstenedione levels, but what can be done about increasing the progesterone and aldosterone?

And one other crazy question - I've been using minoxidol for hair loss - could that be causing Baxter's hormonal craziness? What about adapalene cream for acne?

[lulusmom]

Can you please edit your post and insert the normal reference range for only those values which are high or low?

[GabbySue]

Since it seems that more of Baxter's issues are cardiac related as well if he were my dog I would try Enzyme CoQ10 as well as DMG(Dimethyglycine). They were very beneficial to the quality of life that my JRT with a heart defect had, and made a huge difference in her stamina,huge. (she couldn't run without collapsing , would get winded walking across the culdesac ) She did tire less easily just walking around overall and had other beneficial things as well from them, better gum tissue health and needed less phlebotomies to control her blood counts. Her cardiologist told me cardiac dogs that take the Enzyme CoQ10 usually lived longer lives with a better quality of life. If your dog is on any medications to control blood pressure it has been recommended to supplement with it as it will get depleted by the meds too.

I would mention your use of the drugs to Baxters vets, if he comes into contact with it it can be ingested into his system. Maybe wear a cap after applying the meds to your scalp, wash your hands well, If he sleeps on your bed change your pillow case frequently.

[gummysmurf]

Hi GabbySue, thanks for the suggestions!

I initially thought the breathing problems where heart problem related too (my dad has heart trouble and that seems to be one of his symptoms) but the cardiologist I've been seeing keeps insisting that panting should not be a symptom from Baxter's particular problem. Baxter's heart physically looks good, no enlargement, no signs of congestive heart failure. The arrythmia seems to be a congenital type thing that Boxers are prone too. We put a 24 hour holter monitor on him to see how severe the condition was, and the night he had it on Baxter had several panting episodes. When we compared the timing of the panting episodes to the occurrences of irregular heart beats, there was no correlation between the two. The vets seem to agree that the panting is more a cushings issue than a heart issue.

I will definitely look into the supplements you've mentioned - it may not help the cushings, but I agree, treating the heart is all important. I really appreciate your taking the time to post.

[lulusmom]

Hi again and thank you for posting the normal reference ranges. The one thing I wanted to point out is that Baxter's aldosterone levels are low, especially the post stimulated level. This is often times a sign that a dog can have an adrenal tumor. I see that your vet did an ultrasound. Was that an abdominal ultrasound and if so, what did the adrenal glands look like. Also, did your vet check Baster's blood pressure? If not, I'd definitely have that done sooner than later.

Glynda

[gummysmurf]

We've done so many ultrasounds and x-rays. I'm not sure where the adrenal gland is located. We've focused on heart, lungs, and bladder/urinary tract areas. I'm going to leave the vet a voicemail and find out if they ruled out an adrenal tumour through ultrasound (and also to ask about Baxter's BP - we've never discussed blood pressure). Thanks for the suggestion!

[lulusmom]

Please mention a possible pheochromocytoma to your vet. Boxers seem to be over represented with this condition and average age is 11. Clinical signs associated with pheochromocytoma are often vague and intermittent, and may mimic more common disorders such as hyperadrenocortisism, diabetes mellitus, liver disease, kidney failure, and various tumors. Common signs, many of which are also associated with cushing's, are weakness, collapse, seizures, lethargy, anorexia, vomiting, panting, cardiac rhythm problems, weight loss, anxiety, restlessness/pacing, increased thirst and urination, diarrhea, abdominal distention, hind limb swelling, nosebleeds, seizures, and acute blindness. The signs are generally associated with catecholamine excess and high blood pressure. Elevation of blood pressure induced by sudden release of catecholamines can cause acute congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, myocardial infarction, ventricular fibrillation and cerebral bleeding.

http://cp.vetlearn.com/Media/PublicationsArticle/PV_23_09_807.pdf

What I don't know is whether a pheochromocytoma can cause elevations in the intermediate/sex hormones. Your vet could contact UTK and ask that question. Is your vet an internal medicine specialist? If not, you may want to consider having Baxter checked out by one because the collapse and seizures are not really that common with atypical cushing's, or at least not with any of our many atypical cushdogs here. I would suspect that any dog with atypical cushing's who faints/collapses and seizes has some major hypertension that needs to be addressed.

Glynda

[frijole]

Hi from me as well. My dog Annie had a pheochromocytoma. I think Glynda's point is valid as I was wondering also if perhaps Baxter has one. This is based off of similar symptoms.

Glynda - to answer your question about increased sex hormones - I think Annie's were elevated. By the time we figured out she had a pheo I elected NOT to do a UTK hormone panel frankly because I could just TELL hers were elevated. My local vet agreed with me. That is why we gave her melatonin.

Back to Baxter - please do mention this type of tumor to your vet. Understand it is very very rare or at least it is rarely not diagnosed until after death. This is also true with human pheos. Your vet might have to research it. You would have to have an ultrasound done to see if there is a tumor present. I'd go to a specialist or teaching institution to make sure you are having it done on a high resolution machine and that the person reading the film is top notch. (I had to have it done twice so I learned the hard way) In short - if your dog has an adrenal tumor and high blood pressure it is likely a pheo - this from the head of the small animal science dept at K State Univ Vet Hospital.

The heavy panting and all over body shaking only occurs when the tumor is active (which is intermittently). I remember vividly when this would happen that there were times I could not mimic the speed of her breathing it was so fast. I would hold her close to calm her down (and myself) and on occasion I was just sure she was in cardiac arrest. We gave her hbp meds as a safety measure but the problem really wasn't her heart - it was the tumor. The tumor can be removed or you can continue to treat the atypical cush symptoms and address other symptoms as they come up.

Feel free to read her thread if you wish - warning it was a long and painful journey but it started with the heart. My girl lived for over 2 yrs with the pheo fwiw.

Kim

[gummysmurf]

Wow you guys are awesome! Thanks Lulusmom and frijole. I'm printing out the article to take to my vet. I will request a recheck and ask these questions in person. I think the facility where he's being treated is a good one - it's a speciality clinic only for referral, and Baxter is seeing a cardiologist there as well as an internal medicine specialist. They have various other types of specialists there as well. I am a bit concerned that my vet isn't quite as fluent in cushings as I'd like - when I suggested the atypical testing he implied that while we could do the test, it was a very rare condition and unlikely that Baxter had it. Still, I insisted because I was desperate, and thank goodness I did.

Lulusmom, are an ultrasound and blood pressure the two things I should specifically ask for to check for the condition you mentioned?

The fainting and seizure episode is a symptom of Baxter's cardiomyopathy. It's a well known condition in Boxers and it results in a lack of oxygen to the brain. It often causes sudden death as well, but I try not to think about that.

Wouldn't it be interesting though if an adrenal tumour is exacerbating the cardiomyopathy? I mean prior to all the medical issues suddenly hitting the fan at once, he was completley asymptomatic with the heart problem. Ok, off to bed - I'll schedule an appointment with the specialist so if you think of any other questions to ask please let me know!

[gummysmurf]

PS I wouldn't be opposed to taking him to a university hospital for a second opinion. I'm close to univ of ga and auburn university. Any recommendations as to which would be better?

PSS - this may be completely unrelated, but Baxter seems to have a drippy nose on top of everything else. And he swallows a lot. Not sure if that's related to anything.

We had a "fluid in lungs" scare a few weeks back where I took Baxter to my regular vet because it was the weekend, and I was worried that he was so lethargic. I told her about the drippy nose and she was immediately concerned that he may have fluid in the lungs and she took x-rays, she said it looked to her that there was fluid there. She said she thought she could hear the fluid in the lungs too, and that she was hearing a lot of arrythmias. So I went back to the cardiologist. He said the x-rays looked fine, and the fluid in the lungs would only occur if he was in congestive heart failure, and that his heart was in great shape with no sign of enlargement. He put Baxter on additional meds for the arrythmias and told me to back off the melatonin dosage for the lethargy, and suggested that the drippy nose might be allergies. Baxter seems perkier now, so that's kind of where we are today.

[lulusmom]

I believe you already had one ultrasound but there was no mention of the adrenal glands. If they didn't visualize them at that time, I would want another one on a good quality high resolution machine. Both cushings and a pheochromocytoma can cause hypertension, so you should have Baxter's blood pressure checked.

Since I'm not sure what tests are done to confirm cardiomyopathy, can you tell us what tests Baxter had?

[gummysmurf]

The arrythmias are detectable with a stethoscope - I think that may have been all it took for the diagnosis. We've had him on EKG several times, where the irregularities could be charted, and we also put a holter monitor on him for 24 hours. The purpose of the monitor was to detect how many arrythmias he had in a day, and whether they were clustered. Clustered arrythmias increase the risk of sudden death. Baxter had somewhere between 200-300 if I remember correctly, and they were single occurrences, not clustered. He is considered low risk at the moment. I'm supposed to repeat the holter test sometime in the next few weeks - they wanted a recheck since we've switched his meds around.

I think an ultrasound was done on the heart as well. I'm told in appearance everything looks normal.

[gummysmurf]

Hi guys! I have some more questions:

1. Is it true that cushings dogs are predisposed to rupturing their cruciates (due to muscle weakness)?

2. My dog's hind leg starts trembling when he's lying down. If I move it around it will stop. I suspect this is due to muscle degeneration over time, but it's been going on for a while, well over a year at least. Is this something other people are seeing?

3. Baxter is constantly licking and swallowing. I keep checking to see if he's licking a hot spot or something it's so loud, but no, he's just swallowing a lot, and loudly. I suspect maybe nausea? It's a potential side effect of his heart medication. I just wanted to check to see if it's indicative of anything cushings related?

4. Pancreatitis - is this something I should be looking into checking for? I've thrown the word out at the vet before but he never seemed too concerned when I mentioned it. Sometimes I get the sense that Baxter is uncomfortable especially after eating.

[StarDeb55]

Here's is a late welcome from me, to both you & Baxter. I can offer some input on a couple of your questions. My answers are in blue.


1. Is it true that cushings dogs are predisposed to rupturing their cruciates (due to muscle weakness)
I'm not sure a vet would back any of us up on this, but I must say absolutely. My first cushpup, Barkley, blew a cruciate, simply chasing a ball back & forth through the house. Abnormal preop labs prior to his cruciate repair is what put on the road to a Cushing's diagnosis. I've lost count on how many member's have reported that their babies have also had a cruciate rupture. I think, at least, anecdotally, we have enough evidence to say yes, cruciate ruptures are very possible.


3. Baxter is constantly licking and swallowing. I keep checking to see if he's licking a hot spot or something it's so loud, but no, he's just swallowing a lot, and loudly. I suspect maybe nausea? It's a potential side effect of his heart medication. I just wanted to check to see if it's indicative of anything cushings related?
This usually indicates nausea for some reason, not really cushing's related.


4. Pancreatitis - is this something I should be looking into checking for? I've thrown the word out at the vet before but he never seemed too concerned when I mentioned it. Sometimes I get the sense that Baxter is uncomfortable especially after eating.
Absolutely, our babies are very prone to pancreatitis. This is why it's recommend that our babies be on a moderate to high protein, low fat diet.

Debbie

[gummysmurf]

Thank you! More questions. I'm really rethinking his food. He eats Bil Jac frozen. It was the only thing I could get him to eat up to back in the day (I've tried switching him a half dozen times but I always gave in because he simply wouldn't eat). He was always a fussy eater, won't even eat certain dog treats. I also liked the way the Bil-Jac solidified his poop - he was prone to runny poops on any other food.

Well now since Baxter is constantly hungry anyway I think he may be desperate enough to switch to something healthier - something with a lower fat content to help control his weight and to prevent what I suspect are pancreatitis episodes. What would be a good thing to switch him to? Home cooked probably won't work for me - I don't even cook for myself. So it will need to be a kibble of some sort I think. Something that will be good to his liver of course. Any advice?

[labblab]

Here's an article that was very helpful to me when I started searching for lower fat foods for my girl after her attack of pancreatitis. It helps you calculate the fat content in commercial foods and also provides tips for healthy lowfat snacks.

http://dogaware.com/articles/wdjlowfatdiets.html

As you will see, unless there is a specific reason for it, you do not want to go TOO low in fat. But there are indeed options for commercial food that provide a healthier level of fat for dogs who may be prone to pancreatitis. Unfortunately, many of the high quality, moderate-to-high protein, grain-free kibbles also contain a higher fat content. So you do need to be mindful of the calculations. My younger Lab is thriving on a grain-free kibble, but that's what my older girl was eating when pancreatitis struck and I have since switched her to one of the lower fat kibbles listed in the article.

Also, "low fat" does not necessarily equate with "low calorie," especially since it is often the addition of carbs that is the factor holding down the fat content. For dogs recovering from pancreatitis, somewhat higher carb content is not necessarily a bad thing because carbs can be easier for them to process than high amounts of protein (moderate protein seems to be better). But you do need to keep an eye on the calorie conversions when switching among any commercial foods, and you do want to make sure that the protein content is not too low.

Good luck in your search!
Marianne

[gummysmurf]

We had our vet appointment on Monday and of course I forgot to bring my notes so was not able to mention the word "pheochromocytoma". But I did have them repeat the ultrasound, and the adrenal glands looked fine - nothing to indicate a tumor in the results. I asked and this is the second set of ultrasounds we've done of the abdominal area, the first was in July and there was nothing then either.

However, back in July the technician reported that the liver looked "bright" which is apparently a sign of disease, but on this one the liver looked completely normal! Good news!

I asked about their ultrasound machine and I was told it is a very powerful state of the art machine.

I also had his blood pressure taken ($50.00 just for that argh!) 191/95, with a third number of 120 (not sure what that number is supposed to be). I will definitely mention "pheochromocytoma" at our next visit just so the vet has it in the back of his mind, but right now I don't think it's looking likely as no detectible tumor and good blood pressure.

Talked at length with the vet about starting on Trilostane etc, but ultimately I just can't bring myself to do it yet. He has no tolerance for exercise, but aside from that he seems pretty happy. He only really starts panting an hour or so before his next dose. I think I'm going to stay away from the hard core meds for as long as I can.
---
So on to a completely different topic but - I carry a lot of guilt because I caused one of my dog's cruciate injuries. It was just a stupid move when we were playing. This was about five years ago when I was going through a really bad period in my life and I'm ashamed to say I procrastinated in going to the vet because I simply didn't have the money. I convinced myself it was just a sprain and it would heal on it's own, and it seemed to as he limped for a few weeks but then seemed ok. In retrospect I now realize that it was the beginning of his cruciate problems.

By the time I got it diagnosed (I don't know why, but for years my regular vet never said a word about Baxter's stiff back leg being anything but arthritis) there wasn't really anything I could do about it. After a day at doggie day care where he was running around with other dogs he started limping on his other leg too, and I finally asked for a referral to a specialist. One specialist recommended a double TPLO and one recommended that I do nothing. I went with the do nothing approach because Baxter was already 9 years old and I didn't want to put him through a surgery that would cause him pain and put him out of commission for 6 months. (The do nothing specialist said that the joints had already been stabilized by scar tissue and that surgery wouldn't improve his gait, and could make it worse). But I still feel so bad about not taking care of his leg injuries early on, before it was too late - and of course for being so careless and causing the injury to begin with.

So when I heard about how they are treating arthritis in dogs with stem cells I immediately promised to save up and get the treatment for Baxter...except now, with all his recent health problems, I've spent a good $4000 this year on vet bills and I just don't see how I can swing it anymore. And I feel so guilty about it. Maybe I should just tighten my belt and do it, but it kills me to think about that credit card balance.

This is all coming to a head right now because I need to have him sedated to remove some weird lumps and bumps. Vets say he should be fine with being sedated, but with his medical history I want this to be the last time, so I was thinking about doing the stem cell thing at the same time. But that will cost $2300, plus probably another $300 for the cyst removal, and it just seems like a lot of money, especially since I don't know what Baxter's health is going to look like going forward. Any advice?

Thanks!

[gummysmurf]

The vet said that treating cushings dogs with stem cells is slightly risky due to the potential for causing tumors to grow, so I've completely ruled it out as an option for Baxter. If I feel this guilty now, can you imagine how I'd feel if I actually made him sicker by the treatment?

He's scheduled for the weird growth removal later today and I'm slightly anxious about the sedation. I'll be so relieved at 2:30 when I can call them to verify he's ok. I asked them to call me as soon as he's done with the procedure, but they insisted I call them after 2:30 instead. Apparently they do surgeries in bulk between 12:30 and 2:30 and they can't be bothered to give owners personalized notification about their pets. Am I wrong for being put off by this? I'm starting to think it's time to find a new everyday vet (as opposed to my specialists, who are awesome).

Are there any Atlanta owners with vet recommendations?

[Harley PoMMom]

Hoping Baxter's procedure went well and wishing for a fast and uneventful recovery.

Let us know how Baxter is doing as soon as you can.

[gummysmurf]

Just picked him up - he's absolutely fine! But I'm so mad because the vet didn't remove all of them. He told me they didn't remove the one on the middle of his head because I told him not to, and he didn't remove the other one because it was a nipple. A nipple! As if I can't tell the difference between a nipple and a cyst. I pointed to it and I said - "you call this thing on his ribs a nipple?" and he said "oh my mistake." Grr - and what I said about the thing on his head was please don't remove it if it's going to leave a huge scar. (it's this pink bump right between his eyes).

So they want to charge me an additional $50.00 on top of the $250.00 I've already paid today to come in and take care of the other two things. I don't think I should pay an additional fee after their oversight, and I'm particularly unhappy about having to sedate Baxter again (not to mention the logistics of dropping him off before work and leaving early to pick him back up again). Grr.

[Boriss McCall]

Glad he did fine. :) but, that does stink to pay & have to sedate him again.

[molly muffin]

I'm glad to that he did well. But I agree it stinks to have to pay more because they didn't do it all and made some errors.
The thing is that even if you have a different every day vet, would they send him to the specialist anyhow to have things like the cysts removed? Every vet is different on what they do. So I guess in the end you have to weigh the value of having the specialist vs the possible convenience of a possible general vet. I like to have both personally. The specialist when you need them and the every day vet for when you don't, but for them to consult with each other without my having to tell them to do so. (I usually have to tell them to talk to each other about something or other)

Sharlene

[molly muffin]

How is Baxter doing? Healing up from the removals? Hope all is well

Sharlene

[gummysmurf]

Hi guys! It's been an eventful few weeks since Thanksgiving. Baxter has been battling a UTI, and then there was an ER visit because one of his eyes got swollen for no apparent reason (we think it was an allergic reaction, it went back to normal within the hour or two we were at the ER). Then one day he started limping heavily one leg, wouldn't even touch ground with it, and although he's got cruciate injuries on both hind legs, that happened years ago, and aside from the occasional arthritis flare it shouldn't be so bad that he can't put weight on it. Specialist suspected osteosarcoma so we did x-rays to rule that out.

Then Friday night when I was stroking Baxter's face I felt a weird bump under his neck. He's at the specialist right now. They aspirated some cells and are bouncing them to the oncologist, but my vet is pretty sure it's lymphoma from what he saw of the cells.

I feel so awful. I've felt since July of this year that we're sort of on borrowed time, and I've tried to just enjoy my time with Baxter as much as I can. We've fought so hard, but I don't know if we can fight against this, and I'm not sure if we really should, in light of everything else that is going on with his health. And it's just so expensive, I think he said another 3000 - 4000 dollars, and we've already spent more than that on his health care this year. And I don't know if I'm up for 6 months of struggling every day and watching him get weaker and weaker. Maybe the kindest thing would be to just love him as much as I can, and let him go.

[molly muffin]

Oh poor Baxter. He's been up and down so much this year. I do hope it's not lymphoma.

You have to make the best decision you can based on all the factors and unfortunately cost will be one of them and quality of life.

Whatever happens, you know we are right here for you.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[addy]

I'm so sorry about Baxter. Maybe the vet is wrong. Let's wait to see the results. It is a hard call emontionally and financially. Your heart will guide you.

[gummysmurf]

My heart is broken. I don't even have the words right now. They said it's carcinoma, which has a much worse prognosis than lymphoma apparently. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I was wishing for lymphoma! His x-rays, which we had done pretty recently now show spots on his liver, and something on the lungs. His lymph nodes were fine just last week. So they think it's a pretty fast spreading cancer, and the vet didn't say as much, but it sounds like there's really nothing we can do. Oncologist was out so will know more tomorrow. I just look at him sitting there, with that sweet boxer face, and I can't imagine a world without him in it. How am I going to find the strength to do what needs doing?

[Boriss McCall]

I am so sorry to hear this about Baxter. :( I know it has to be hard & you are really sad & worried.

hugs

[addy]

Deep breaths in between the sobs, sweetie. I now it sounds really, really bad right now and you are a mess, and rightfully so but lets wait to hear what the oncologist says.

Baby steps right now, take it minute by minute if you have to. If you need to get it all out, do that do. We are here for you.

But lets wait to hear what the oncologist says tomorrow. Then we will have the facts from his viewpoint.

I am so sorry.

[molly muffin]

I'm so sorry the the news so far has not been good. Maybe the oncologist will have something positive to say.
Either way today is not the last day and as hard as it is to even bear thinking about, just try to hold on to that one thought. "not today".
I'll really be hoping for some better news tomorrow. I know your heart is breaking right now. :(

hugs,
Sharlene

[gummysmurf]

So the oncologist suggests sedating Baxter to actually find the source of the tumour, which he believes is in the throat. Once biopsied, he said it could be a squamous cell melanoma or the carcinoma. They are both bad, but one is worse than the other in terms of response to treatment. Without treatment, no more than two weeks. With treatment, possibly 1 - 2 months.

Treatment being medications which will make Baxter feel sick. So my head is saying let him go peacfully, and my heart is saying how can I let him go. He's my love. When I was a kid my parents always refused to take my pets to the vet, and I promised myself that one day when I was a pet owner, I would give my dog the very best care that I could. So from that perspective, I feel like I should try a little harder. Who knows? Maybe Baxter will outperform expectations. It happens, and if we don't try, there's no chance at all. But I want him to enjoy what time he has left, not feel bad.

[gummysmurf]

Boy what a day I had yesterday. It was so exhausting that I actually forgot what day it was - I thought it was later in the week and was surprised when someone told me it was only Tuesday yesterday. I feel like I've spent three or four days already dealing with this - but I only found out Monday.

Anyway I wanted to share what happened to me yesterday. It's one of those things that make you realize how awesome people really are. So I spent Monday night just wallowing in grief. I should probably tell you a bit about myself - I live alone, I don't have any family who live nearby, and I don't have any close friends. Long story about that, but as time went on I just have kind of grown increasingly isolated. I got Baxter ten years ago for comfort in the aftermath of a broken relationship, and it's sort of been me and him ever since. So losing him has really taken a chunk out of my life. I feel so alone in my grief as I have no one to share the burden with.

When I got home from work Monday night and could finally let go, I found myself on my knees next to my dog just sobbing. That went on for a while. At one point I had to run to the bathroom and throw up I was heaving and crying so hard. I tried to distract myself, read a book, but I couldn't concentrate. Every few minutes I'd get up and check on him, pace the floors, run around. By 6 AM I had a headache and was exhausted but I still couldn't sleep. I kept having intermittent bouts of crying and I felt sort of out of my head. I talked to some family and it helped distract me for a minute or two, but the grief I felt was so overwhelming.

I sent my boss an email to let him know I wasn't coming in Tuesday morning. No way that I could function like this. And then I spent the morning desperately trying to find a therapist. I felt like I really needed help. Maybe I could find someone to prescribe me some medication to help take the edge off, just so I could do what needed to be done. I went through 4 or 5 different ones before I got one who actually returned my call. None of them were inclined to fit me in same day (I was a little surprised by that, even when I explained I was in the middle of an emotional crisis). And then I lucked out. One agreed that I could come in on his lunch hour at 12, and so I got dressed and decided to take Baxter to the dog park before that. We haven't been there in ages.

As soon as we got there, there were only two other people there, and one of them immediately came up and started petting Baxter, telling me she loved old Boxer dogs. I immediately burst into tears and told her what happened, and she gave me a hug, and was so sweet. The other person in the dog park came over too, and told me he'd just lost his dog that year, and he told me his story, and it was just so nice have people around me who understood!

I had to leave for the therapy appointment but I left there with their phone numbers and offers to talk and I felt I wasn't so alone after all. Therapy was good in a way - the therapist validated that my grief was genuine and not something to be trivialized. I left there still grieving, but after the time spent sharing the story with 3 different people my grief started to feel manageable.

Then I got the phone call with the results from the oncologist. Due to the rapidly spreading nature of the cancer, the oncologist felt the cancer originated from a growth of some kind in the mouth or throat, and that it was probably a squamous melanoma or a carcinoma. He explained both were bad, but one responded better to chemotherapy than the other. He said they'd need to do a biopsy to check. I asked my vet what he'd do if it were his dog, and he said he'd probably just make the dog as comfortable as possible for his remaining days. Possibly two weeks without treatment, 2 months with.

I didn't know what to do and was in agony over this decision. When I got home I decided to take Baxter back to the dog park because he seemed to have such a good time there that morning. He really perked up around the other dogs. So we went back, and again I found myself confiding in total strangers. Baxter had a ball, he was actually bouncing around the other dogs like he used to do, and everyone there doted on him. Just about everyone in the dog park came up, petting him, telling him what a special boy he was. There were people in tears, and my goodness it felt so good to share my grief. And they helped me make up my mind about what to do. It was unanimous - everyone felt that there was no need to put Baxter through anything that would make him suffer, and that I should let him go as comfortably as possible. We all stayed at the dog park until it got dark, and when I left I made promises to come back with Baxter in the coming days.

So I started out this morning feeling like the loneliest person on the planet, and I ended the day with many new friends. I'm just sort of amazed how sometimes help turns up out of the blue to help you deal with things you feel incapable of dealing with. The pain and grief is still there, but I feel sort of emptied out at the moment. What I'm going to do is go to work for the next few days, and then starting next week I'm taking my Christmas vacation early. I want to spend the week when Baxter is feeling the strongest with Baxter. And we'll spend the days at the dog park, and I'll feed him steak and other goodies, and we'll take things one day at a time.

[Boriss McCall]

Morning..

I am so glad you have found people to help comfort you. I know it is the worst thing. I hope you get many many many good days with Baxter. I am glad he is finding joy playing with the other dogs at the park. I know you are going to give him so much love & spoil him rotten.

I know what you are going thru & going to be going thru is not easy. We will all be here for you.

hugs

[milosmom]

such a hard story to read and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby baxter,may your days ahead be filled with much love,joy,toys and all baxters' favorite treats... as amy states we are all here for each other ...

[addy]

Sometimes things turn out in mysterious ways. I am so glad you have found a support system in "real time". Feeling hugs helps the hurt much better than a virtual one.

Please know, that we may not be there in person but we are always here for you and understand your pain. Your grief and anxiety is very real and you do not need to deny it.

I am so sorry for the outcome for Baxter and you. If there is anything we can do please come here and let us know.

You know, we laugh and cry and worry together, we rejoice in good news and feel the pain of bad news. We are all in it together.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) and much love.

[molly muffin]

I am so glad that you found some real souls who understand what you are going through, have been there themselves and who can offer you comfort. Please stay in contact with them. We worry you know. I hope that you and Baxter have many enjoyable days together. I'm so sorry that you are both going through this right now.
We are here if you need to have a chat, a shoulder, anything.

Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[gummysmurf]

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. It is so meaningful, and it really does help. I may not respond to everything everyone says, but I internalize it. Some words I repeat like a mantra: "deep breaths...take it minute by minute if you have to" (Addy)

Wed I spoke to the vet again, and they mentioned that if it turns out that the origin tumor in the mouth is a melanoma, than the prognosis could be quite better (something about a melanoma vaccine). He recommended again a biopsy so we know precisely what we're dealing with (which I found confusing because they already did a needle aspiration and told me that it was probable carcinoma). I opted for the biopsy and results are due back on Monday. They weren't able to find a tumor in the mouth though as anticipated (they were thinking in throat or tonsils) and ended up biopsing the lymph node instead.

I still find myself hoping for some a miraculous case of mistaken diagnosis, but when faced with the reality of Baxter's condition, it doesn't seem likely. He sleeps all the time and he goes through periodic bouts of labored breathing. His appetite is dwindling and he seems weaker all the way around. He has difficulty climbing onto furniture and the bed.

My parents came up on Wednesday night and that's helped me keep a lid on my emotions, but they leave tomorrow and I imagine it's going to be a tough week to get through. I am committed though to making the right choice for my little guy and at least right now, I feel empowered and strong enough to do it.

[molly muffin]

You are empowered! Great word. When it comes to our babies, whether they be our children or our pets, our spouses, we will step up and become warriors to protect them, to do what we can to help them, to take care of them. It is who we are and it comes from some place deep inside of all of us, a capacity to love and care and nurture that nothing in the world can take away. We get tired, we are heart broken at times, but the core strength is there and we start each day anew with a determination to once again do battle.

Whatever it is, whatever the outcome might be, you can handle it, you can do whatever it takes to make sure that Baxter has the best days ever. Whether they be few or many.

hugs!
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Trish]

Hi

I just thought I would tell you a story about my dog which happened last year. He suddenly collapsed one day and was rushed to the vet, they suspected internal bleeding so did an ultrasound and found a large liver tumour. The vet said it looked bad and right through his liver, he was placed on IV, perked up and I took him home already mourning his impending passing which we were sure was not far away. She had mentioned we could biospy but the outlook was poor. So I agonised over putting him through that but decided to go ahead with the test. Well it came back benign!! We were stunned as we were already planning the funeral! So he was rushed to university hospital and had surgey to remove it, it turned out to be a 650g low grade hepatocellular carcinoma but now just over a year later there is no recurrence. I am so glad I did not do anything too hasty when I was faced with that terrible prospect of having to put him to sleep and to be honest I came very close to making that decision. As it turns out that collapse was probably due to his adrenal tumour (but that's another story!)

So I guess the point of my story is to give you some hope that there may well be treatment options available for your baby even when you think it is hopeless. So keep your chin up and wait to see the results on Monday, I wish you good luck for that!
Trish xx

[gummysmurf]

Trish - truer words have never been spoken!

I've been slowly going through the process of grieving and mentally preparing to let go. I got the biopsy results back (after waiting all day and calling the vet at 7:30 AM and 11:45 AM and finally just showing up in their clinic and waiting until they made time for me). It confirmed the carcinoma diagnosis and the internal medicine specialist told me I should try and make an appointment with the oncologist in their clinic to determine treatment options. He implied though that we were pretty much out of options. Of course their oncologist was out that day, and when I tried to make an appointment they were booked the whole week! I was advised to call in the morning and see if they could take me as an emergency.

So I went home and got the home visit lined up for euthanasia, for the end of this week. I had already scheduled the week off from work to spend one last week with Baxter. I picked out a crematory facility and even looked at urns. I went through Baxter's toy chest and washed and mended what I wanted to keep. I went through my medicine drawer which is stuffed full from various remedies and prescriptions through the years and I threw most of it out. I know it sounds sort of callous and premature, but I sort of feel that it will kill me to go through his stuff once he's actually gone, so better to do it now while I'm sort of numb.

So anyway the next day I call the oncologist and try to get an appointment, and they said they could get me in to see him on Thursday (it's currently Tuesday). Well I am totally freaked because we've been in a holding pattern since the previous Wed, waiting for biopsy results. When your dog is only given a two week prognosis, every day is precious. I was informed that this particular oncologist is the only board certified oncologist in the area, and that there are other patients ahead of me that need treatment too. So I hop on the internet and find that this is indeed the only board certified oncologist in Atlanta, but that there are some at nearby University of Georgia, and Auburn University. UGA can get me in Wed, and Auburn can get me in the same day. So off to Auburn I went (about 2 hours away). And I am soooo glad I did. They were awesome there. I've actually decided to do the chemo. What convinced me was when she said that it would probably make Baxter feel better. I know I can't change the prognosis, but at least I can get him through it feeling better.

Baxter is awfully weak today after the chemo. He's kind of dribbling diarrhea as he rests, which is gross, but his stomach was upset before the chemo because I've altered his diet since he will no longer eat his dog food. No throwing up, he just seems tired. If this is as bad as the chemo will get, we can deal. It's a once every three week treatment. I'm hoping he'll perk up after another day of rest, and I'd say that's a fair trade off - 2 days of sleep, and 2 and a half weeks of feeling good and getting his appetite back before the next treatment. Wouldn't it be awesome if we make it to his next treatment? That's an entire week more than they predicted! But we'll see how it goes. I'm slowly learning to keep my raging worry and fear of the unknown future in check and focus on the here and now.

Thank you again everyone for your suggestions, stories, and commiserating with me. It helps to know that other people have made it through similar things. =)

[addy]

I believe Deb went through chemo with her pup. Hopefully she will come along and share her experience with you.

It would indeed be awesome if Baxter made it until another treatment. I can only imagine what you are going through so yes, keep it in the here and now.

I watched a program the other night about people dealing with cancer and they spoke of how little things were what became important to make it through each day. They celebrated every tiny victory, so we will celebrate that Baxter is not throwing up and seems just tired with a bit of poo issues. We will take that as a victory.:)

[frijole]

I'm not Deb but she posted recently about her dog and chemo and how it is not the same as in humans - not as tough on the dogs. she had great luck with it. If you go to this thread you will find someone going through similar challenges. Deb and another member went thru chemo with their dogs and they both put links to their stories. I hope it helps!!!! Kim

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4298&page=25

[Bo's Mom]

Sending healing prayers for Baxter. I too have learned to celebrate the small stuff with my fur baby. I have been giving him all the love and attention that he truly deserves for what he has given me. Each moment is a blessing and cherish as many as you can with him.

[Boriss McCall]

I am so happy for you & Baxter. What an emotional week you have had. :( I hope now you can take in some breaths & enjoy some good time with Baxter. :)

hugs!

[molly muffin]

Hi, hope things are going well with Baxter and his chemo therapy. Any time is precious time. So glad that there can be a bit more time maybe for you and Baxter.

Hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Trish]

Wow thats great news there is treatment available to help Baxter, hope he is feeling better and his bowel problems have settled! xx

[gummysmurf]

So here's what I've learned from my experiences with Baxter's cancer diagnosis. Just to recap, we found an enlarged lymph node first - that was the only symptom really although Baxter had been less interested in dog food since Thanksgiving. I thought it was because I'd over-indulged with the people food and he was just being stubborn. The aspirated lymph node was "suspicious for carcinoma" and x-rays showed lesions in the liver and spleen, and lungs were "cloudy". It was recommended that we sedate Baxter so they could check his mouth/tonsils and get a biopsy from any tumours they could find. Due to the rapid spread and lab results, they believed it was a kind of oral carcinoma.

I was hesitant to go through sedation because Baxter was truly not feeling well. In the days since I'd discovered the lymph node and waited (3 days or so) for the lab results, there had been a swift decline. He was tired all the time, his appetite was dwindling, and when he slept his breathing was funny. I agonized over what to do. I was told the prognosis for what they thought Baxter had was poor (2 weeks untreated, 2 months with chemo) so it seemed that no matter what they found, there was little point. However I had yet to speak to the oncologist - and my internal medicine specialist and his "assistant" would tell me little to nothing about the treatment options, so I couldn't weigh the pros and cons.

I couldn't just give up though so I went ahead with the biopsy. They couldn't find the original tumour, there was nothing in the mouth, so they went ahead and biopsied the lymph node. I begged them to go ahead and start giving Baxter something to slow the spread of the cancer, and they refused. I had to wait 5 days for the results of yet even more labs, and I had to watch as day by day Baxter got weaker. I called my parents in from out of town because I was sure we were going to have to let him go, and they wanted to see him one last time. I had yet to speak to the oncologist.

Finally lab work came back, confirming carcinoma of unknown origin. I tried to schedule an appointment with the oncologist but he was booked for a week. I tried to get an emergency walk in, but even that was only possible for three days later. So I ended up driving to another state (Alabama) so I could get to see an oncologist same day. And from there everything changed.

So what I've learned:
1. Move quickly. Every day you spend deliberating (or waiting for lab results) is a day that the cancer spreads. In cases where cancer can't be reversed, just slowed, that's ground lost that can't be regained.

2. Don't wait around to speak to an oncologist. Seek an appointment immediately. An oncologist is truly the only person that can give you the info that you need.

3. Don't be afraid of chemo. I was terrified, and I almost didn't do it. What changed my mind was when the oncologist said it would make Baxter feel better. So far the side effects have been minimal, and they've been controlled by medication. For the most part, Baxter just slept for three days, and then he bounced back.

We're on day 10 since he received carboplatin, and while he's not the same as he was before I found the swollen lymph node (he's weaker, sleeps more, less energy, less hungry) he's way better than he was while I was waiting for lab results and waiting for him to die. He's alert, he's playful, and he's just more like himself. I can tell he's happy.

4. Try not to sweat the money. I used to really be freaked about the amount of debt I've been accumulating from Baxter's care this year. I've just let all that anxiety go. I will have plenty of time to budget, maybe get a part time job at night or something, when he's gone. I know everyone's situation is different and if chemo isn't the right choice for you that's ok too. We all just do the best that we can. The most important thing is to love and appreciate our little guys each and every day.

5. Auburn University Vet hospital rocks!!! The difference between the "specialty hospital" where I'd been treating Baxter for Cushings and Auburn is like night and day. Don't get me wrong, the specialists knew their stuff and they were kind, but they were always so busy that I felt almost like they were doing me a favor when they could fit me in on short notice (yet I paid $300-$400 a pop for the favor!). At Auburn, they were just a whole lot more flexible with appointments, and seemed a lot more sympathetic to my situation. I think it's less expensive too, and I feel like Baxter is reaping the rewards of cutting edge research and new developments. Clinical trials and so forth. And the resident oncologist actually gave me her email address (no doubt she's regretting it with all the questions I'm sending her way, I'm talking I sent her emails daily for the first five days like a crazy person)! At the speciality hospital, I had to leave voicemails and usually only heard back from my vet's assistant.

6. No amount of time is too short. I wasn't sure lengthening his life by 2 months was worth it, especially since I expected him to feel sick all the time because of the chemo. Well, I was wrong. Each day with him is such a blessing. I'd been in such agony thinking I was about to lose him. And of course, I still am, but the pain is manageable now and the time we're spending together is so sweet and imbued with such meaning. I know I'll always cherish these new memories I'm making with Baxter.

[frijole]

What a wonderful update. I am so sorry you got the run around... boy have alot of us been there... and very good advice that I'm sure will help others in similar situations. I had a similar experience at Kansas State Univ's Vet School... they were so helpful, cooperative, communicative, etc. and YES they were less expensive too. I had to drive 5 hours each way but I got answers and help! So I am so happy that you were able to get some attention and Baxter is having some good days.

Continue to love our little guy and keep us posted. Sending you love and happiness for the holidays. Kim

[molly muffin]

What a wonderful update. Thank you. Hopefully what you have said will help others going through the same situation to make decisions and know what to do. It's Not knowing what to do that drives us all up the wall. Not knowing what our choices are, the pros and cons.

I'm so glad that you have Baxter who plays back. Even with less energy and the extra sleeping, it is so good to see them feeling good. What a difference.

You have such a positive outlook and I feel that you have come far on the journey with Baxter from the first diagnosis. I can only wish you many many more feel good days and admire your courage in the face of such huge mountains.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[molly muffin]

Merry Christmas to you and Baxter.

I hope things are continuing to go okay and that you and Baxter are having some good times.

Have a safe and wonderful Holiday.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[apollo6]

YOU are doing right by Baxter. For me the last few months were tough for me and Apollo, I allowed him to die on his own terms. I was grateful for the few months we still had together and have no regrets. the one regret I still have is maybe somehow I should have pursued
the stomach gurgling earlier. We always question our selves. but know you being on this website shows how much you love and care for Baxter.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[Tina]

Just want to let you know I am thinking of you and Baxter today and hope you are having a good day. Sending love and positive thoughts to you, and blessings for the new year.

Hugs,

Tins and Jasper

[gummysmurf]

January 7, 2013 marks the death of my sweet boy. He has been a trooper to the very end, a mountain of strength and perseverence, so very strong that I didn't realize how much he was struggling until the very end.

About three or four days ago we gave him a dose of palladia and the next day he didn't really perk up. He was lethargic and didn't want to eat. I fed him a half can of canned food by hand, and that was his last real normal meal. Over the next few days I couldn't get him to eat or drink. I gave him subcutaneous fluids to keep him hydrated, and I expected that once the palladia got out of his system he would feel better. But he didn't. The kicker for me was how difficult it was to rouse him from where he would lie.

I had a bed set up for him on the porch, and it was covered with an electric blanket and covered with a sheet on top of that. It was nice and warm and he would sit there and sniff the wind even on the coldest days. But when it got too cold I'd call him inside, and he would respond oh so slowly to my summons. Then came the day when I took him down the steps to go outside, and when it was time to go back up he sat at the bottom and looked at me. He was too weak to climb. So I loaded him into the car instead. This was Sat, 1/6/2013.

I made the call and scheduled his euthanasia for 3PM, and asked them to come to this outdoor area where Baxter and I have been coming since he was a puppy, and where I had been taking him a lot since September when he first started getting sick. We drove there, and he seemed to perk up quite a bit. He walked, sniffed around, explored the woods, and in general seemed a good bit better. And so I rescheduled the euthanasia for 7PM, and we stayed outside until it got too cold. When we got home he climbed the steps without any difficulty, and I cancelled the euthanasia for that day. I just didn't have it in me to do it.

The next morning, Sunday, I scheduled it again for 3PM. Baxter had been weak the night before, only sleeping, and although I'd given him more fluids, he hadn't eaten anything besides cream cheese cupcake frosting that I forced into his mouth. We spent a few hours outside exploring the woods again, and Baxter lay on a blanket, and when it got too cold outside I brought him back inside, to his regular front porch electric blanket hangout.

The euthanasia people arrived twenty minutes early and I freaked out a bit. I'd been planning to spend those twenty minutes on the bed next to him, holding him close and saying those last words. I simply wasn't ready. But I filled out the paperwork, and snapped at them when they tried to upsell me a cremation urn, and gave them my credit card, and stared disbelievingly at the lady when she told me that my card was due to expire next month. I mean really? Do you think I care about that now? Please lets get on with it I said. But then, I couldn't do it. They told me he was suffering, and I flipped out. Suffering? Why couldn't I see that? He was tired, yes, and not eating, yes, but I didn't think he was in pain. But they told me he was suffering and that if I didn't euthanize, he may end up passing on his own. I was so torn up then. Of course I didn't want him to suffer, or to die on his own while suffering. They did a medical exam on him and suggested that I give him one more night. They told me that if I could get him to eat something, his prognosis was much better.

So they left, and I dashed to the grocery store to by the smelliest foods I could think of - chicken gravy baby food, spam, vienna sausages, and cat food. I also bought a few bags of beef jerky for good measure. And Baxter ate! He ate an entire bag of beef jerky, and two small cans of fancy feast chicken liver cat food. And he got up voluntarily several times to drink, not just taste but drink a good amount, of water. I was elated. My good boy! And he walked around a bit, from the window, to the back bedroom, to where I was sitting a few times. He made his rounds. And he did his nose poking thing to let me know he needed to go outside. So outside we went, and we had a pretty decent walk, and went back upstairs, and Baxter had no trouble making it up. And then he lay down to rest. At one point I was snuggled up against him, and he kind of rolled over and leaned his back against my chest and stretched and looked up at me with that sweet boxer look of affection. I felt a fledgling bit of hope. I thought - perhaps we do have a bit of time and his feeling bad is just residual from the chemotherapy drug. We'll stop the chemo and just let him be comfortable for his final days. But as Baxter rested and I saw how heavily his sides moved as he breathed and I realized that waiting was just not the right decision. I took him outside for a few hours and we lay together on the electric blanket until it got too cold, and then I lay with him on the floor that night waiting for the dawn.

The next day he had just no energy. He was not interested in food or water, although he ate the cream cheese icing I forced into his mouth. It's like he gave me yesterday just to make me feel better, but it took the last little bit of energy out of him. I scheduled the euthanasia for 11 AM. I regret that I didn't spend the remainder of the time holding him close. Instead I prepared by cleaning things out a bit and throwing things away. I think I was anxious for distraction. But about an hour and a half until it was time, I took him outside and again we stayed on that electric blanket. It was a bright sunny day and Baxter basked in the sun. I sang to him, made up variations to songs.

"It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put into words...
How wonderful life is that you're in the world.
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
I know it's quite simple and I'm singing it wrong.
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I said into words...
How wonderful life is that you're in the world."

"You are my stinky my only stinky you make me hapeee when skies are gray
You'll never know, dog, how much I love you
Even when you're very far away."

"I'm a stinky Baxter puppy all the live long day!"

I told him that I loved him, and that my family loved him, and that Stephen loved him too. That everyone loved him and thought he was the best dog ever.

When they sedated him and told me he had maybe a couple of minutes before he fell into a deep sleep, I did my very best to use the happy voice that I used for giving praise. "What a good boy you are Baxter. Such a good boy! I love you Baxter, I love you!"

He went limp pretty quickly, not gone, but fully relaxed and anaesthetized. "Can you hear me Baxter? I love you!" I said into his ear.

The technician told me that yes, he heard me, she knew he did because she felt his tail wag under her hand. So I said it again. Loud, and repeated things over and over for a good long while. "Are you chasing rabbits Baxter?" I asked. Is that what you're dreaming about? All the while my tears fell, but I tried to keep my voice happy. I wanted him to hear me praise him and I wanted that to be the last thing filtering through his subconscious.

I spoke to him like that, down beside him on the floor, with his head on my arm, until his heart stopped beating. My sweet boy.

I'm still dealing with the aftermath, and I don't feel up to talking about it except to say that it's even harder than I'd anticipated and the pain and loneliness is quite simply the worst thing I've ever experienced in life. That's all for now.

[Bo's Mom]

Oh my gosh, I am crying a river for you as I read the words you wrote about your sweet boy. I know words are hard to find but please know we are still here for you. Baxter is running free, chasing all the animals he once chased but this time letting them go so he can chase them again. Run free, sweet baby Baxter and shine bright as the newest and brightest star in the night sky.

[addy]

I cant even speak, the lump in my throat so large. I wish I was there so I could hug you and tell you its alright and I am so sorry it was so hard. I am so sorry it was so hard to say goodbye.

Baxter, you are such a loved dog and Mom did the best she could for you and will always love you. Fly free Baxter, no more pain. Mom will be okay. We'll take care of her.

[milosmom]

thru the gushing tears i read this most wonderful story of your baxter.know that you gave him the best life and he will forever be in your heart and memories.it has been 3 wks since we helped milos' short 6 years here with us cross over and still miss him tremendously,but know that he is still with me here in spirit as is your baxter.you take care of yourself and eventually you will find your way back here to let us know how you are doing.sending you love,light and peace...patty(milo)meka xoxox

[molly muffin]

How heart breaking this is. Tears are like a river here for you and Baxter. He tried so hard and he was Such a good boy too. You gave him an amazing gift of extra time with you I know he treasured every single moment that he was with you.
Together you are an amazing team and in your heart, where it is most important, you always will be a fabulous pair of soul mates.

hugs,
Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[Simba's Mom]

Sorry for your loss, you sound like an awesome animal lover, he was certainly loved a lot! Take care

[frijole]

Your story is so touching. I have to tell you the food fest put a smile on my face... I so remember struggling to get my dog to eat and know it is scary... I've been to the store when you just buy anything so knowing that Baxter got a real feast with you and lots of snuggle time on the blanket is great. Cherish those memories and let them help you heal from what is a huge loss.

Thanks for letting us know and please do keep us posted on how you are dealing. Sending love and prayers to you and yours.

RIP dear Baxter. Run, run, run my little one. Free of pain. Free at last. xoxo, Kim

[mytil]

Oh my heart is just breaking - I am so very, very sorry.

I have added your sweet boy to our very special remembrance list where he will always be honored - In Loving Memory (http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4794)

(((hugs))))
Terry

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

wow. I'm so glad she felt him wag his tail. you gave him the kindest gift but I know it is hard. I'm so sorry.

[lulusmom]

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Baxter's Mom,

I am so very sorry for your loss, he knows he was so dearly loved. Rest in Peace Sweet Baxter, you are our newest and brightest star in the sky tonight...

[scoora]

I just read through your thread. Through my tears I want to say, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, Baxter. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh, Sweetie,

Baxter is so very loved and he was sent to the next part of his journey with such tenderness and concern for his well-being. There is no question he heard your words and felt your amazing love pouring into him, giving him strength and courage.

We are here for you any time you wish to talk. You are a great mom and I know the cost of these last few weeks. Please know you don't have to struggle alone.

Our deepest sympathies,
Leslie, Squirt, Trinket, Brick, Sophie, and our Angels Ruby, Crystal and Tasha


A Special Gift
They're a very special gift, to be cherished and loved;
You're chosen for each other by God Himself above.
It's a match made in heaven so it can't be wrong;
You're tied together by a bond that's oh so strong.

All they'll ever ask from you is to be loved and fed,
And at night make sure they have fresh water and a bed.
In return, for so little, the rewards are so great!
You'll get a companion for life with some very special traits.

When you are lost and the end seems so far away
They'll walk by your side, they'll help you find your way.
When life gets you down they can put a smile on your face
As they run you in circles with their fast pace.

You'll share the good with the bad, you'll be happy and sad;
And through it all you have a friend, the best you ever had.
You're time together will be special and unique;
It will be as priceless to you as a rare antique.

Then, before you know it, the day will arrive
When suddenly your life takes a steep dive.
The furry friend who's been with you for all of these years
Has now passed on and left you in tears.

As you sit and wonder what did I do?
Why is this all happening to you?
Into each of our lives a little rain must fall,
And you must be strong to answer the call.

Your little one's spirit has flown home on the wings of a dove,
To a special place that awaits them in heaven above.
St. Francis will meet them; when they get home
He will take them to a meadow where they're free to roam.

There in the meadows, down by the pond,
Your furry friend will remember his loving bond.
He'll look into the water, then you appear;
He can see you're frightened, he can feel your fear
He'll look into the water, then you appear;
He can see you're frightened, he can feel your fear
Through the bond that still ties you from heaven above
He looks down upon you, he sends you his love.

Through the bond that still ties you from heaven above
He looks down upon you, he sends you his love.
Because you loved him and because you care
Whenever you need him, he'll always be there.

There, in the meadows, they patiently wait for the day
When you will celebrate your life together, each and every day.
Waiting for that day; when you come walking back home
When together for an eternity through the meadows you'll roam.
Author Unknown

[Simba's Mom]

A Pet's Prayer

My people are so precious Lord,
I know you think so too...
And I believe You put me here,
To love them just for You.

They take such gentle care of me,
And have such tender hearts...
Please use me Lord, to comfort them,
Whenever tear drops start.

They face a lot of battles,
As they live and work each day...
They need me Lord, to make them smile,
And show them how to play.

The world is full of people,
But sometimes real friends are few...
Please let my love and loyalty,
Remind them Lord, of You.

And when my final moments come,
Lord, tell them as we part...
I was a made-to-order gift,
From Your, great loving heart.

Sending prayers and hugs to you...

[Boriss McCall]

I am so sorry. From you story I know that is was extremely difficult for you. :(
You made his last days the best. I am so glad you took the time to take him to the favorite spot & to cuddle together.
So sorry for your loss..

hugs

[gummysmurf]

Dear everyone:
Thank you so very much. Your thoughtful words bring tears to my eyes yet again, and I've read your comments over and over. I still don't have much to say here yet. But I wanted to say a special thank you to Roxee's dad. I went to the site to light Baxter's first candle, and imagine my surprise to find one already lit. I cried and cried when I saw it.

[apollo6]

You did your best .Baxter knew right to the end. You both were blessed with the few days you had left. shut the world out for know if you can. enfold your self in Baxter's love. it won't be easy. You showed your love for him right to the end. we will support and love you as long as you want us to. Our angels are taken to soon.
Hugs Sonja and Angel Apollo

[Coop]

As one boxer lover to another my heartfelt sympathy is with you at this painful and lonely time. Grief is a journey we have to go through in our own way and in our own time. Just do what is right for you.

I read though all your posts and was amazed at how wonderful you have been in doing absolutely everything in your power for Baxter and then amazed at what a warrior he was. He went through so many arduous tests, was no doubt poked and prodded, sedated, medicated and still he gave you everything he had to give and made so many precious memories for you.

I have had four boxers now and couldn't imagine owning another breed. The are the most fun loving, loyal, honest breed of dog so leave a huge emptiness when they have to leave us. Each one of ours has been unique in their own individual way and we have loved each of them differently but also the same. There have been times when we've vowed to not get another dog as the pain of losing them is too much but as time went on we knew we couldn't live without having our crazy boxers in our lives. They are the best.

Your life without Baxter will never be the same but with time it can hold happiness again.

In New Zealand there are words that our indigenous people say - kia kaha - it means 'be strong'. I wish you strength in the coming days, weeks and months as you grieve the loss of your best buddy. The rainbow will be at the other side.

Hugs
Claire

[Harley PoMMom]

Sending huge and loving (((hugs)))

[molly muffin]

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you great big virtual hugs!

Sharlene and Molly Muffin

[gummysmurf]

One week has passed. There are times where it feels normal that Baxter isn't here. I can't believe that! I thought it was going to take months for me not to see his face from the corner of my eye every time I enter a room. And yet this is starting to feel normal. It makes me feel bad, as if his death wasn't enough, to so quickly lose the expectation of him being here. I can't explain it but it shouldn't be so fast. There are now great swathes of time where I don't physically ache with loss. Where I go about my day and smile and greet people at work and shouldn't Baxter be on my mind every second? The dulling of the pain makes me feel bad too, because I don't want to heal, I don't want to stop missing him, I want him to be as big a part of my life as he always was, even if it's because I'm grieving. Everything about this whole process just plain sucks.

[Cyn719]

So sorry for you loss....remember the beautiful memories..you will always have them with you....sending you lots of love hugs strength and support. Xo

Hugs Cindy and Bailey

Godspeed Angel Baxter

[Coop]

You mustn't feel bad that there are times when life feels normal again so soon. I have been through this in my doggy grief. The first few days are a nightmare then it begins ever so slowly to get better.

I was shocked the first time it happened to me so had a good think about it as I'm prone to do. What I decided is that the love of a dog is different from people love. With people love there is usually some disappointment, let down and even resentment - sometimes downright anger and hurt. But with our precious pooches there's nothing like that. It is the purest form of love they have given us and we've given them. There's no unfinished business to dwell on, no regrets other than they've passed just a lot of love between us and lots of lovely and funny memories.

You know you did everything humanly possible for Baxter and that also makes acceptance easier. You know you still love him and he loves you and in time you will be together again. All this makes the parting easier to cope with so again, please don't feel guilty. There will still be sadness, there will still be tears but you will also smile and laugh again. Life never stays the same.

Now I have to take my own advice as I'm still holed up in sorrow mourning the loss of my Buddy.

Hugs
Claire

[gummysmurf]

Claire your reply made me cry. Your right, it was the purest form of love, completely unconditional. I miss it. So sorry about Buddy.

[Wally P's Mom]

I am late responding to this thread. However, I have been down the exact same road that you had just journeyed with Baxter. My Wally had the same exact disease that Baxter had. We found it after an US and Wally just passing out in my arms.

For as much pain you are going through and that we went through, it never goes away, but dulls itself over time. There are days that you will sense he is still with you. Wally will be gone for two years in March, but I swore I saw him laying in Fritz's bed this week.

Baxter will always live on in your heart and you will remember the good days much better than the bad.

Godspeed Baxter.

Marge

[NoonelovesmelikeNorman]

Claire, I am sorry to hear of Baxter's passing. Sending waves of comfort, strength and peace to you. May the best memories of unconditional love and silliness bring you comfort. RIP Baxter

(((hugs)))

Sharon