Trying to cope with the loss of my sweet pup

[DMDesigner]

Hi all. I have so much on my mind that I want to get out so I’m just going to dive right in. Please bear with me, this will be a long one.

I started browsing on here in early June when my 14 year old Lab mix, Bailey, started having a really hard time. She has had high liver enzymes for years and a couple years ago, she was tested for Cushing’s. One test said yes, the other said no and I left it at that. She was not having any other symptoms at that time. No excessive thirst, panting, hair issue etc. I started her on Denamarin in February, I think, which helped lower the enzymes some.

Earlier this year she started having a raspy pant which the vet thought to be Laryngeal Paralysis. It slowly persisted until I took her home to visit the family. The drive is 4 ½ hours and she panted the entire way there and back. I couldn’t get her cooled down. I’m not sure why the drive affected her the way it did this time, she usually does great in the car and she loves car rides. Once we got home she was having diarrhea, had a fever, was slightly anemic, drinking excessively, panting non stop, didn’t wag her tail anymore and very lethargic. She started having to go out 2 or more times during the night to potty and was really restless and uncomfortable. Her vet and I decided it was time to do another Cushing’s Test, which came back positive. She never had the coat or skin problems or the "look" of a Cushing's pup but the panting, water intake, lethargy and back leg weakness had me more convinced this time. The vet also thought there could be more going on and said other issues can cause a false positive.

I put her on some pain pills and took a couple weeks to wrap my head around everything, it was all happening so fast. I did lots of research (how I found you all) and tried to figure out what to do. At this point the LP and the Cushing’s were really working against sweet Bailey in her efforts to breathe. If she wasn’t lying on her side, it was a constant struggle. Going outside took a lot out of her and we were having record heat at that time. She could no longer bark, it was a deep raspy whisper. It broke my heart. She was miserable.

I read a lot of your stories, cried and cried, worried etc. I decided I did not want to do any invasive testing because Bailey was getting so stressed out at the vet and was having a terrible time on car rides-she now hated them and was very resistant on getting in the car. When I came to pick her up after her Cushing’s test, they brought her out to me and she collapsed at my feet unable to catch her breath. I thought I was going to lose her right then.

I ended up making the decision to start Bailey on the compound form of Trilostane with the hopes that it would help with at least one of the issues she was having. Her panting and breathing difficulty were definitely my main concern. The only “fix” for LP was surgery and I decided against that a couple months prior. I did not want to put her under anesthesia at her age and at that point the panting was not as severe.

I knew our time together was growing short but I wanted to try one more thing. I was waiting for that sign that it was time to let her go but I prayed it would never come and she would get better. After 5 or 6 days of treatment she threw up her dinner. As I was cleaning that I notice another spot on the rug what looked like coffee grounds. I figured it to be blood and some quick research online confirmed it. That was my sign. I knew it was time. I didn’t want it to get any worse for her, she didn’t deserve that. I know she was ready to be at peace. There was a lot more going on inside her and I couldn’t deny it any longer. I had my beautiful girl put to rest a couple days later on July 3rd at home, in my arms. She can now breathe easy.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I miss her so much. It’s suffocating most of the time. It’s been three weeks and I am racked with guilt. Did I try enough? Should I have given the Trilostane more time? I should have never taken her home that weekend. Maybe I should have done more testing… etc.

I found myself coming back here to try and find those answers. I’m not sure there are any but at the least it feels good to get everything out. You all are such a compassionate group of people and even though I haven’t posted here before, I feel comfortable in doing so. Thank you so much for letting me share my story with you. I just wish it had a better ending.

[molly muffin]

Well, I'm just bawling now. You did everything that you thought was best for Bailey and while it is natural to try and second guess ourselves, it doesn't do any good. You know that at the time with what Bailey was going through, the symptoms exhibited that you made the best decision you could with the information you had. There is no way to know if there was perhaps something else also causing the problems, heart maybe, or if the Trilostane would or wouldn't have helped.
You loved her, you gave her a wonderful home and enjoyed a full life together in the time you had. Anyone can tell this from reading what you wrote, how much you loved her and would have done anything to make her feel better.
I'm so sorry that her time came. That time will always be too soon for us poor humans who are going to live a longer life span than our beloved friends. Bailey, though gone from you physically will always remain with you in your heart. That was her special gift to you.

HUGS,
Sharlene and molly muffin

[labblab]

I, too, am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. But I agree with Sharlene in hoping that you will find a way to be kind to yourself and release your heart from the burden you are carrying. It may indeed be the case that Bailey suffered from Cushing's. But in honesty, it sounds to me as though it was something else altogether that triggered her final decline. Given her age and all her issues, I totally understand why you chose to spare her the stress and discomfort associated with involved diagnostics. For you, that leaves you in that very hard place of not knowing for certain what happened. But as the fellow mom of beloved retrievers, I realize what a gift it was that Bailey got to live out 14 wonderful years in your loving home. As hard as it is to let go, she had reached the last days of a long life well-lived. However, when we are the ones who aid our babies' release, I know it is nearly impossible not to have doubts and questions afterwards. Once again, though, it sounds as though she may have had an ailment that was triggering internal bleeding or other catastrophic changes. So it was a mercy to release her spirit from her tired body.

I am very glad you have chosen to tell us about your sweet girl. Her picture looks like the angel she has become, and we will be honored to help you always remember your lives together. Bailey has now been added to our special memorial thread:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3918

And at any time it might be a comfort to you, we invite you to post any thoughts or tributes to Bailey on our "In Loving Memory" forum. We will always remain here with you in the days ahead.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss but so glad that you have come to tell us about your dear girl.
Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear DM,

I am so glad you came and shared Bailey's story with us. My heart is breaking with yours as I know the pain is still so very fresh. How brave you are to sit in the quiet all alone, just reading and learning, then doing your best for your sweet girl. What a wonderful mom you are.

I am so sorry that things didn't work out better for you and Bailey, but I also can see that she was much loved and well cared for all her life with you. That is what they carry with them when they leave us and what they continue to give back. One day you will see her and hold her again, this I firmly believe.

Even tho we didn't get the change to get to know your sweet girl, you and she are family and her name has been added to the In Loving Memory list for 2012.

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3918

Please know that we are here for you as you walk the path toward healing.
In deepest sympathy,
Leslie, Squirt, Trinket, Brick, Tasha, and our Angels, Ruby and Crystal


Love’s Final Gift
By Cheryl Goede

I know it is hard on you, there are no words that can describe
the piercing sorrow which does not lessen with time.

When you had to bring me with you, on that last car ride to make,
all the while knowing the course of action you needed to take.

I know you feel guilty, I feel your sorrow, it’s true,
I could always sense your each and every mood.

When they called my name I knew that your heart was breaking,
you carried me to the room…getting closer to my new awakening.

The friendly doctor I know gave me treats and spoke low,
he was giving you the time that you needed to let me go.

All left the room, and you gathered me close,
as you wondered how you could do this for me when you needed me the most.

I tried to convey, my last wishes to you,
I looked into your eyes with all the love you are used to,

Mom and Dad, this earthly body has served me well,
but the time has come for us to part, to no longer dwell.

You understood the signal, and knew it was time for me to go,
but before I leave there is just one more thing you should know.

I will look out for you, each day I will guide,
my spirit in some way will always be nearby.

Before I make it to the Bridge to stay,
I will return the love tenfold in hopes for my debts to be paid.

For when that new pup or dog will enter your world,
a new love will blossom and slowly unfurl.

I hope you realize that new dog is Love’s Final Gift,
sent from me, your baby girl.

That new dog was chosen by me, to lessen your pain,
like the gentle warmth of the sunshine after the rain.

When you hear him bark, it’s my bark too,
when he cuddles you close, it’s what I would do.

So open your heart when the time comes to see,
that the love he gives comes also from me.

Take comfort, hug him, and reminisce
as he gives his love freely in the form of a dear doggy kiss.

It’s what I would do, if I still could,
and what you would want that is understood.

But the time has come to let me go,
to make that unselfish choice, even though tears will flow.

Hold me, cherish me, until my last breath,
but please don’t look at this as my death,

Someday we will be together again, come close for one last kiss,
I know this it true, as it is my soul’s last earthbound wish.

Now I can feel my spirit floating it is traveling high,
as though I were a cloud in the endless blue sky.

Please find peace, you have honored my life with this,
For I have been reborn through your Love’s Final Gift.

[addy]

I am so sorry for your pain and burden but I am so glad you came here to tell your story.

The loss you feel is real and great, the pain not to be denied; the heavy load you carry now will ease in time to sweet ache.
For you loved her as unconditionally as she loved you.

You did the best you could and Bailey knows that.

Please come and talk to us whenever you need to. We are glad to share your thoughts and hope to help even if it is just to lend an understanding ear.

[Bo's Mom]

What a wonderful story you shared. The love you had for Bailey truly was reflected in your words. And even though she is missing from you here on Earth, she is undoubtedly all in your heart.

[mytil]

I too am so very sorry for your loss. I know the absolute pain you are going through and I am very glad you posted. The guilt can be shattering, I know first hand. I thought I did not do enough for my girl years ago (who was 14.5 yrs old); but over time I came to realize it was her body's time and there was nothing I could have done that would have altered this.

Your bond with your girl will never be broken although I know your heart is broken into a million pieces. We are all here to help you. Grief has no timeline so be kind to yourself and your Bailey was very, very fortunate to have you taking care of her all those wonderful years.

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
((((hugs))))
Terry

[DMDesigner]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They mean so much to me. Life without Bailey has just been so hard! I know in my heart of hearts I did the right thing for her and in moments of clarity I feel relief for her that she is no longer hurting. Watching her like that was so painful for me as well.

I've never had to make this decision before. She was my first dog that was truly mine. I got her when I was 22 and she has been with me through so much. We took on the world together. A girl and her dog. She was such a sweet, loyal and loving friend, my best friend. I couldn't have dreamed for anything better.

It was tempting to try to find out more but we had already done the blood work and xrays and I wasn't willing to put her through anything more invasive. It was just too much for her. It may have been better for me if I knew but I do believe it would have turned out to be something I couldn't fix.

Looking back now, I believe she gave me the signs I needed and she patiently held on long enough for me to be ready. I never was ready, but I knew I had no other choice. I loved her enough to let her go.

Thank you all again for listening, everyone here is so sweet. I'm glad I found you all.

Dawn

My beautiful Bailey https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151059273154919&set=a.10150695813279919.447136.642619918&type=1&theater

[Murphys Mom]

My heart weeps for you, I can truly feel your pain and know you did everything you could for your sweet girl Bailey. She is with you and will always be as you carry her in your heart my dear.
Be strong the days will get better and the truly wonderful memories will come forward and be with you always.

Much love coming your way!
Kathy
Murphy's Mom

[apollo6]

DEar DAwn
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, beautiful Baily.
She will always be with you. but the loss is deep.
glad you have found us to give you comfort and support.
Hugs Sonja and Apollo

[mytil]

What a beautiful photo of your girl. Thank you for posting this link.

My continued ((((hugs))))
Terry

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

your story of your dog is so very touching. I'm sorry for your loss

[DMDesigner]

Hi everyone. I've been coming back from time to time to check on you and I wanted to drop you all a little note. I appreciate the kindness you all showed me so much via your replies on this thread and your PMs. Even though you didn't know me, I felt like I knew a lot of you. I'm invested in several of you all's stories because they are so similar to what Bailey and I went through together. I miss her so much everyday. I'm learning to deal, but it's hard. I just feel such an overwhelming sense of loss at times that I haven't felt since I lost my Mom almost 12 years ago.

I also have some news to share. I added a little furry ball of happiness to my life and I've kinda fallen in love with her. :) Having her has been bitter sweet at times but we are bonding well. She's definitely been a huge change from having a 14 year old pup. She will never take the place of my first love, my Bailey, and she definitely doesn't make me miss her any less. But she helps the smiles and laughs come a little more freely now.

So, without further ado, meet Stella. But beware...her face has the tendency to brighten your day a little bit :)

http://instagr.am/p/NeUELcPpZl/

Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart.

[labblab]

OMG, WHAT A CUTIE PIE!!!!!!!!! :) :p :D:) :p :D :) :p :D :)

And what BIG paws...!! ;). I'll bet Little Stella may grow up to be a big girl :D. I have a big black girl, myself, and the paws look about the same to me as when my Peg was Stella's age.

Dawn, thanks so much for coming back to share your joy with us. We totally understand that in no way will you ever forget Bailey. But I think Bailey's tail is wagging and wagging at the Bridge -- so glad that her mom is opening her heart to another precious soul. :o

Sending many hugs your way,
Marianne

[Boriss McCall]

Stella is ADORABLE!!

[addy]

Im thinking Bailey is happy about Stella and she sure is adorable.

Cuddle with all your might:D:D:D:D

[frijole]

Oh my god what a cutey pie! That warmed my heart. Thanks for coming back to share your new joy with us! We shoulder so much pain here it is a blessing to experience the healing and rebirth! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Send us updates ok?! Kim

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

Oh my word. If she wasn't already yours I'd say I want her! (and I don't want anymore animals) She is definitely a day brightener!

I'm so glad you introduced us to her and I think continuing to provide a loving home for an animal is the best gift you can give the ones you will never forget who didn't have enough time on earth with us.

hugs, Judi

[Squirt's Mom]

That FACE! :):):) Those EYES! :):):) What a DOLL! :):):) Oh, ya'll are gonna have so much fun and there is a whole new world waiting for the two of you to fill with joy and wonderful memories. I am so happy for you and for Stella both! Do keep in touch and let us know all about the adventures you have.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[mytil]

OMG what a sweetie pie!!!! Thank you for sharing this link and your news. This little pup has no idea what a wonderful home she has just landed in.

It could be that Bailey may have had a paw in this ;)... knowing your heart was so heavy and sad.

Happy (((hugs)))
Terry

[karabella]

OMG! What a face! She is beautiful. You're right you can't help but smile when you look at that sweet face. While she will never replace Baliey she will definitely help fill the hole in your heart.

[Bo's Mom]

She is absolutely a doll!! Congrats on the new addition.

[jmac]

Stella is maybe the cutest thing I've seen! I'm so glad you have found a new pup to brighten your days. They never replace one we've lost, but it feels so good to bond and love again. I'm so glad you found a new friend!

Julie & Hannah

[Cyn719]

What a beautiful pup! wow picture perfect! So glad you have a new little one to love and cuddle!

Hugs Cindy

[DMDesigner]

Thank you all, I'm glad everyone approves :D! I think she's pretty great and I bet Bailey would too :) She's growing like a weed. Here's a more recent picture of her at 16 weeks. http://instagr.am/p/PcBCtFPpRg/

I know this forum could use some cheering up a lot of the time and Stella and I are happy to help. I wanted to share this hilarious website I recently found that I know you fellow dog lovers will enjoy and probably relate to just as much as I do. I find myself laughing to tears at some of these delinquent pooches. I just hope Stella doesn't get any ideas!

Anyway, I hesitated to post this in it's own thread but if you think I should, I would be happy to...enjoy ;)

http://dog-shaming.com/

[mytil]

Wow, Stella is the cutest little thing (not for long will she stay little). Thank you for sharing this. OMG, I love the shaming link....way too funny.

Terry

[Squirt's Mom]

HA! Those were cute! "I don't need no stinking shade tree!" LMAO

[MBK]

OMG!!!! Stella is beyond precious! Of course, she will never replace your beloved Bailey but she will be loved just as much, I'm sure!! I am not sure if Stella is a rescue or not, but I thought you might like this poem I found not long ago, regardless:

Before humans die they write their last Will & Testament, give their home and all they have,
To those they leave behind. If with my paws, I could do the same; this is what I’d ask…
To a poor and lonely stray I’d give:
- My happy home.
- My bowl and cozy bed, soft pillows and all my toys.
- The lap, which I loved so much.
- The hand that stroked my fur and the sweet voice that spoke my name.
I’d Will to the sad, scared shelter dog, the place I had in my human’s loving heart, of which there seemed no bounds.
So, when I did, please do not say, “I will never have a pet again, for the loss and pain is more than I can stand.”
Instead, go find an unloved dog, one whose life has held no joy or hope and give MY place to HIM.
This is the only thing I can give…the love I left behind.
- Author Unknown

I think Bailey would approve. I am looking forward to Stella updates. We all could use the smiles. Can't wait to check out the link you posted, too! :D

[jrepac]

Stella is a real cutie pie...congrats!:)

You can never replace what you had but the new babies can certainly fill a hole in your heart :-)

[MBK]

I just had to tell you...that website is HYSTERICAL!!! It has me laughing out loud! Thank you!!