The end of a human life

[Altira]

My Darling Janis, Dad is sedated and peaceful. We are home. Dad knew you were at Borrego and he meant that, " It is your responsibility now." meaning Borrego. He was completely lucid at that moment and talkative. Then he got to laughing and after we left he got so they had to restrain him. Since then he has been very quiet and quite non responsive.

He is getting morphine. The young men who come to help are very quiet and take care of turning him in bed as we put clean diapers on. He won't be wet much longer because he is not able to eat or swallow well. I just pray he holds on till Steve gets here.

Mother He is at home you know.

[Altira]

My Kira knows something is up. When I walked her tonight she was picking up anything she could grab. A mouth full of rocks in someones fancy garden, sticks, and I hate to think about what else I fished out of her mouth in the dark! When we were loosing Mira she distroyed two sets of my expensive head phones. This is not like her at all. She knows I'm upset and she doesn't like it. She's not overly good at being sympathic. Neeka... Well she is just ablivious to any problem.

I saw my dad today. He never opened his eyes. Flinched at the sound of my name. Once started to turn his head my way but stopped. Mom sprayed water on his lips and a little in his mouth. After awhile he swallowed. Then he was coughing. Mom sent me over to the other side of the bed and told me to talk to him. I went but all I could do is cry. Mom and sis were kissing him and talking to him. Mom kept saying its ok. I sat on the other side and rubbed his hand. He started scrawling. He's on morphin. I didn't know if it was pain or frustration. I was afraid my energy was upsetting him. My tears always upset him. I left the room. Half hour later he was sleeping. There was a hospus guy there too. Around the clock until an in home care person can get established.

[lauraperla]

Dear Janis,
My heart aches for you at this difficult time. I pray for strength for you and your family, and peace and comfort for your Dad.
I think it is a wonderful thing that you have done to bring him home. I remember talking to my Dad's favourite charge nurse on the night we were transferring him from hospital to home for his final days, and he said to me one of the saddest parts of his job was that in the end all his patients wanted to go home but most were not able to.
I am sure the hospice staff will help enormously, I am forever indebted to those who helped my Dad. If you are finding it too hard to keep talking to him, play his favourite music. When my Dad stopped food and drink, he could still manage and enjoy a tiny amount of ice cream. Later when he was seldom conscious we would moisten his mouth with iced water swabs. Generally too his skin was very dry, so we moisturised his hands, lips, face regularly. Don't hide away worrying about your sadness upsetting him, even if you were the best actress in the world he's your Dad and would see right through your pretence.
Your Dad is surrounded by his family's love. Bless you all.

[Altira]

Thank you Lauraperla....

[Bo's Mom]

Janis,
Hugs and prayers sent to you and your family at this time.

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

I'm sorry Janis. Like everyone said, just talk to him and hold his hand. My Mom was on some pretty potent drug cocktails in January including morphine and versed. She came around for 10 more days and was able to tell us what she remembered.

She did not remember any pain, she didn't believe us when we told her she had almost died. She remembered crazy wacky dreams involving those of us who had been in her room talking to her. She had us laughing with the crazy stuff that had gone through her drug induced mind. So it was good. But she knew we were there. Even through the versed which usually makes you forget.

So talk to him. And let the hospice folks keep his pain managed.

it sucks and I'm sorry. Judi

[Altira]

Eldredge "El" and Virginia "Gini"
Before they were married.
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=508&pictureid=3875
Taken in 2010... 69 years later (dad is 93 and mom 90 here)
http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=508&pictureid=3873

[Altira]

Dad has 103 temp today and his hands are swelling up. He doesn't swallow well so mom gives him liquid meds. Then the hospus guy turns his head and talks to him. After a few minutes he tries to swallow. Then they gave him some Ensure in a tiny dropper too. Three of those is all. The guy asked dad if he liked chocolate ice cream. Dad groaned uh ha each time he asked. He didnt respond to my mom or sister. Words get stuck in my throat i cant talk. He never opened his eyes. And slept a lot while I was there.

Then me and sis took mom to dinner. It was the first time mom had gone anywhere without dad in tens years! Ten years! She has never allowed anyone to help her with dad before. She took him everywhere. Even made up reasons to go somewhere everyday so she could get him up and moving around. She is 92 and the most determand woman. She has fought to keep him here for ten years. Heroic.

The hospus nurse was here today and talked to my brother the doctor. I heard her say it's not good. My brother is flying out here tomorrow.

They are going to stop giving him morphin and see if he gets more lucid. But maybe he had some pain today.

Thank you Blinda and Judi. Thank you for being with me.

[lulusmom]

My dear Janis,

Let me first say that I'm not good with beautiful words like so many here but that doesn't mean that I don't feel them in my heart. I just don't know how to describe what's in my heart. I'm much better in person and if I were in front of you right now, I'd give you the biggest hut you've ever had and tell you that I understand the pain and sorrow of watching the life go out of a loved one. If I were to recount my own story, it wouldn't be much different than yours. I do know about the ever present weight of a million emotions and conflicting thoughts are like so my heart goes out to you and your family.

Your mom and dad are a striking couple in both of the pictures you posted. I'm sure you are beyond proud of them and forever grateful to them for making you who you are today. Heck, I'm grateful to them for that. We love you, ya know. :D You may not feel very blessed right now but you are so very blessed to have both parents in your life for almost a century. That's incredible and I would have given an arm or a leg to have my dad around another 33 years.

I'm here if you need me and so is the rest of your k9c family.

Huge Hugs,
Glynda

[Squirt's Mom]

Surrounding you and yours with much love, healing white light, prayers, and hugs.

[Roxee's Dad]

Hugs and prayers.

[Altira]

My gosh Glynda... You have written beautiful things and this was certainly one of them. Certainly for me, the most beautiful of all. Addy, John and Leslie... thank you so much for being here too. I love all you angels so much.

Now I have to shout! HE ATE TODAY! A whole big scoop of ice cream. He looked like a baby bird with his mouth open for more. He swallowed it fine. He coughed some but he's been doing that for years.

(Fella=Hospus fella)

The fella said dads tummy was growling... he's hungry. I was getting ready to leave and i grumbled ... I wish he could have some ice cream. The fella said... He can! Well hell, that's news to me. Me and sis dashed for the ice cream. The fella fed it to him, really knew what he was doing. Dad gobbled it right up. He started telling us about all these other things we could try. But dad feel asleep before we could get it prepared. Yawning and looking rather content. He did not open his eyes. Not in days. We asked if he liked the ice cream and he said... uh huh.

I'm confused though... The fella that relieved this one an hour later said he was not comfortable with feeding dad anything but little eye droppers of ensure. Well dad has spent his whole life being feed only stuff that's good for him. It's time to spoil him you know? Dad wants ice cream! He wants stuff he likes. He wants to eat! Mom likes the fella whose not feeding dad much. I'm not certain what is going on.

[SasAndYunah]

Dear Janis,

I cannot tell how sorry I am for these difficult times you and your family are facing. And I too want to let you know I am here for you... The icecream had me smile, glad your dad was able to enjoy his icecream :) Cherish every moment you can and make sure to be well informed about your dad's status/situation, you don't want to end up with all sorts of questions and doubts...so ask, ask, ask...anything you want and as often as you want.

Thinking of you and your family from across the (sea)miles,

Saskia and Mhina.

[Altira]

Nothing, no responds today at all. They rubbed ice on his lips, waited waited, did it again, nothing then he swallowed once. No coughing, no yawning. Sprayed water in his mouth, no reaction, nothing, nothing then he swallowed. Later on I saw he was moving his lips and I asked about ice cream. He tried to spoon it in but he didn't open his mouth enough to taste it. I asked him to try an eye dropper. He did. No response. No.... I didn't want to force feed him. I tearfully thru out the ice cream. Even the scrawling was less today. He did get the hiccups several times which at first was sort of scary before I realized what it was. His color is good. He's still wetting himself. He hasn't eaten in a week. Other then that scoop of ice cream.

My sister and I stood on either side of him and talked about old memories. How dad only ever got mad at us when we upset mom. Which was rare. And him and mom in 1972 tagging orange trees to keep in an orange grove, that would soon become Orangeland RV Park. Our family business.

No reaction. But I know he heard.

I look in my moms eyes today and the light in them looks dimmer. Her strength slipping a lot today. I kissed her and told her I loved her. It was the first time I ever did that. I know that seems strange but I'm a painfully shy person. I write her all the time, but I don't speak much.

He's not in pain, he's not getting morphine right now. He's not coming back. He's not going to wake up. We are all there. Dad, Mom, Cindy, Steve and Janis. In the house we all once shared. Waiting for it to be only four of us. How will mom ever survive this?

Praise God he looks peaceful. And damned handsome. I uploaded a picture if you wish to see it. (It's been deleted to add another.)

[Altira]

Thank you Saskia. You have an interesting name.

Thank you all so much for being with me and listening.

[lauraperla]

Janis,
You and your family have been in my thoughts so much over the last few days and will continue to be so.
This is the worst bit. Time stands still, your stomach is twisted in knots. You will all get through this, your Mom too, she'll be carried by your love and support.
Your family's strength shines through all.

[SasAndYunah]

Janis, for an European person it's not that interesting of a name but thank you nevertheless :) In the Middle Ages there was a confederation of German tribes, called the Saxons. (In those days, part of what is now is The Netherlands, was Saxon country) And the name Saxons, in German is "Sassen" :) And there was a Saxon princess called Saskia....and that's where the name comes from :) There's no wonderful meaning to the name, nothing fancy like "delightfull person" or anything like that ;) But I like my name...since it's an old name and not much used these days...there aren't too many Saskia's around anymore. Which is a good thing, there's only room for one Saxon princess around here ;)

You know what, Janis, I am not shy like you but I am "distant" with many people. I'm not one to call everyone sweetie or love...or names like that. I don't go around hugging everyone I meet...I prefere the good old handshake instead :) But with the ones I realy love, I really care for I am a huggy, touchy, sweetie person. And if I were right there with you at this moment, I would hug you and tell you, it will be okay sweetie...life (and death being part of it) always has a way to make things okay again.

Cherish all the special moments, the closeness and bond with your father, your mother and your siblings...and that's what will help you (and them) through.

Big hugs,

Saskia and Mhina.

[Altira]

How do you not let your mom slip away too? She has made plans. She wants to read stories to children. She wants to make friends with others her age. But I think this letting go of dad may prove harder then she thought. There will be no funeral for dad. None of us including her could live thru it. It will just be her children and our spouses. As it is right now. Just the five of us left behind. I mean seven...

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Janis,

Some part of your dad knows that you and the rest of those he loves so dearly are at his side. He knows how very much you all love him. Share those memories, let him know you will always carry them close to your heart.

I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[marie adams]

Dear Janis,

This is another experience I know how you are feeling. It is hard to watch your parents during this time. Your mother because she knows what is ahead and your father because he is helpless. I watched my mother pass on and watching my father experience it was even sadder than how I felt. My father is dealing very well and it has been a little over a year.

I remember my father in law when he was on morphine--very restless and imagined things. They took him off and he was back somewhat normal. I cannot remember if they ever gave it to him again before he passed on.

I am sending many ((((HUGS))))!!

[Altira]

Hi Marie. Thank you for stopping in.

Day before last was a really bad day for me. We had a family meeting on a subject I felt was inappropriate. I was the only one who felt that way. It set me off on a fit of bad memories and tears. By 3 am at home I'm a mess. Later I learned dad was in distress at around 3 am. Mom said he was crying. He has never done that before. If he knew what I was remembering, the things he didn't realize hurt me. Well it's not easy to work for a father who does everything perfectly. Could he have been out of body? Could he have known? He always said he could read me like a book. I'm a very open person. I'm sorry papa. Sorry I always take things so hard.

[Altira]

Today July 6th its my brothers wife's birthday and she and I are terrified he'll go on her birthday. He didn't.

He is suffering. If not from pain then something else equally terrible. He lays there with his mouth open, brows knit together, his cheeks sinking in, starving.

My dr brother says 2 or 3 more days. It's so damn crewel. We would let him go now if we could. Laws have to change! The DNR has to be rewritten. Hospice should be able to say ok. No way is dad coming back. His body twitches slightly now and then. Eyes closed. We treat our dogs better! It brakes my heart to see him suffer this way. I'm the only one having a problem with it. Mom looks at him and doesn't see suffering. Or maybe they all won't let themselfs think about what he is silently going though.

[BestBuddy]

Dear Janis,

I believe that there is a time when both humans and animals separate their bodies from minds. Do not look at your father and try to understand the expressions because he cannot control them. Morphine or any of the other pain relief meds will stop the pain but also take your father further away. Talk to him and say the things you want him to hear and hold his hand and just tell him you love him.

Jenny

[Altira]

Jenny, that is an interesting thought. My mom has wondered if his movements are voluntary. They are so stiff. It's just that the scrawl is always there and his healthy color remains. I went back in to see my Sasha after she was gone. I looked in her eyes and she moved. I dashed out to the vet and said... I think she is still alive! He said... no she isn't.

[addy]

Janis, my heart goes out to you. I have lived through it. I will share a story from a lighter moment"
Dad was in ICU totally drugged on morphine. He would do this thing like poking out in front of him, like trying to thread a needle. He would not talk or respond, just try to thread the needle. I sat in the chair next to his bed and was singing a song to him, a song he used to sing to his sick cat. After about ten minutes of singing the song, over and over to him, all of a sudden he stopped trying to thread the needle, turned and looked at me and said "Addy, will you stop singing that damn song?" and then went back to threading the needle and could not speak.

I sat there in shock and just said "okay dad".

Sometimes we dont know what reaches through to them.

Love and hugs, dear Janis.

[Altira]

Oh Addy we needed something light hearted. thank you... Any reaction is better then none. And your sick cat song was so funny.

I got a reaction tonight.

Notions...

On the way home from walking the dogs, I got this notion. It was 9:30 pm they were going to take dads temp at 10pm and I knew they didn't have a digital thermometer. So I dashed out and bought one and took it to the house. I arrived at 10 til 10. They had already done it and were giving him meds for the fever. I was too late. I stood there and watched the fella swobing dad's mouth. He says to me ... his eyes are open! His are open? They were, just a crack. I bet over, smiled and said ... hi papa... and he opened them wider.

I don't take notions lightly. Maybe the reason I went was wrong but I found much more when I got there.

[Altira]

Saskia.... I missed this post. Made me smile... "Which is a good thing, there's only room for one Saxon princess around here "
We have our own resident Saxon Princess, cool!

[apollo6]

Dear Janis
My heart goes out to you. You are a great daughter and he knows it.
HUgs Sonja and Apollo
It is the circle of life.

[Altira]

Dad has Pneumonia. Giving morphine every hour. I'm at the vet with their dog who has a very bad eye problem.

[Squirt's Mom]

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie. A candle burns for your dad and your family.

Hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

Yeah it's time to start burning candles. It's been eight days since he's had water. He's peaceful today but his breathing is extremely labored. His whole body forcing each breath. He's a strong man. He worked out twice a week from age 85 to 92. Mom sent him off to the rehab center twice a week after his heart bypass. That bypass never fail him! His heart is strong now. But you can't live without water.

Mom thought he had lots more time left. We told her this evening that that wasn't true. Us kids discussed what to do should he go in the night. My dr brother is staying at their house. Oddly this was a planned visit for another purpose. He lives thousands of miles from here.

Dad is going to hang on probably braking records. Until he knows my mom is ready. Even still he lays there looking healthy as hell. Laboring but strong. Mom please tell him it's ok to go. Be brave. Let all that courage you have been working on come to life. All your plans for the future without him fill you. It's time to change your focus. The hardest thing you will ever do! This is going to be bad very bad. Mom has lived every breath with him, caring for him, keeping him with us, keeping him knowing us, keeping him invovled, for ten years!

[Altira]

It's going to be hard to forget what he looks like now. His mouth open wide with his fast breaths blasting in and out of it. His chest and tummy contracting and releasing almost violently as if he were on a ventilator. But he's not. It doesn't look real. He looks miles away. Or like a soul trapped in a frozen state. I can't believe it. I can't believe he's fighting so hard. Is he really in there fighting to live? Is he controlling his breathing? Is he screaming for us to save him? Is he in pain? What a dreadful thought. Why does dying have to be so horrible?

I don't think I can sleep. I want to just go sit on their door step and wish this all away. Wish us all ahead a couple months.

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear Janis,

Your dad's body is on auto-pilot now, simply trying to continue the job it has done for over 80 years. He does not feel pain or grief or fear as he once did. His Soul stands apart, waiting peacefully for it's journey to the Other Shore. What you can see is simply the horror of a failing body. What you cannot see is the bright Light of Love that fills your father's Soul, the love he has always known from, and for, you and his family. You cannot see the Angels who surround you all, gently enfolding you in their wings, standing by to guide your dad Home.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you and yours,
Leslie

[Altira]

July 9th
Not much has changed. Dad still looks healthy.

"Steve says he looks amazingly good considering his creatinine has got to be really high"

Dad hasn't had any water in what I figure to be ten days. His skin still snaps back pretty fast. But his breaths aren't as forceful or as consistent as they were the day before. I read where sometimes the jaw will make a chewing motion. I saw one of those this evening. Oddly when everyone else was looking away. Seems I was the last one to see his eyes open.

The hospice fello was talking about getting a u shaped neck pillow for dad. He knows I'm up all night I guess. When i left he suggested I go to Wallmart. Maybe he wanted me to see something. I don't know. Who knows what these people have seen. But i didn't get that sudden notion idea tonight, so I didn't do it. If any of you followed Mira's thread you might remember the thing with the little green clock. I find myself looking at it a lot. Waiting for it to faulter. But it never happened that way before. Only when I wasn't expecting it too. Anyway I still sit here ready to react to any silly notion I do get.

He looks so peaceful now. All drugged up. I don't know what I want. Him to stay or go. The oxygen machine sounds like a life support machine keeping him alive. But he seems gone. I want my mom to be ready and I don't think she is. She did go out shopping all by herself today. 93 year old woman driving the big city streets in her new Peious. Sheesh. She drives really well. She has great reactions for her age.

Funny Story:
My mom talks a lot. To anyone and everyone who will listen. Yak yak yak! We had Chinese food for dinner to night. I passed out the fortune cookies and everyone was to read theirs out loud. When it was my moms turn she read something like.... "Those who talk a lot rarely say anything meaningful". We all died laughing. Mom made one of her silly faces with exasperation. My brother in law revised his and said "Men who can't aim streght, should put the seat up." that's not exactly what it said.

Dad is 95. Yeah it looks like auto pilot. I just wonder if he'll wake up all clear headed before he goes to say something to us. He was chairman of the board for a long time afterall. Always something to say. Go out and make something of yourself... Build another park, buy land. I can hear him now. Or will he see others that have past. His mom and dad? Or will he pass when we aren't there? Eldredge H. Welt.... We will miss you.

[Altira]

He is gone

[mypuppy]

So very sorry Janis,

God Bless dad, you and your family.

My prayers go out to you.

Tight hugs...Jeanette

[Squirt's Mom]

Sending you great big lovin' hugs, sweetie. Me deepest condolences to you and your family. Hold each other and the memories tight.

Hugs,
Leslie

[lulusmom]

I am so sorry, Janis. I wish there was something I could do or say to make things easier for you right now and if you can think of anything, all you have to do is say the word. I'm not just your friend here, I'm your So Cal neighbor so if you or your family need anything at all, I'm here.

(((Big Consoling Hugs)))
Glynda

[Altira]

They were all there. My sister in law texted me, woke me up and said Steve said he only had hours now. Then he changed his mind and said tonight maybe. I couldn't go. I knew I shouldnt. But by way of text I could be there. I asked them all to let him go. Something I could never had said had I been there. I stayed here begging him to go. I was howling, my dogs were howling. I make a dreadful sound. Thank god I wasn't there. About 45 minutes later, Cheryl says he's gone. I'm glad Bud was not here. The dogs were ripping things up. Im making this horrible sound. Everything just flies out.

[Jenny & Judi in MN]

I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad your Dad is not suffering anymore. Hugs to you and your family.

[molly muffin]

Janis. Holding you close in our hearts.

[Altira]

The worst part is over. I moment I dreaded all my life. Facing my family after dad has passed. Nobody cried but me. Mom hugged me for so long. She is such a strong woman. I think they told mom to tell him it was ok to go. He died soon after that. Hard to believe he is gone.

I can't thank all you angels enough for being with me. For having a place I could talk.

We will miss you papa. It was so easy to make you laugh. Clear up until two weeks ago.

[lauraperla]

Dear Janis,
Love and sympathies to you and your family. Your Dad's struggle is over and in time the raw memories of these last two weeks will recede and the thoughts of him that spring to mind will be of better, happier times.
Please take good care of yourself, you've been through quite a time.
Much love
Laura x

[SasAndYunah]

Dear Janis,

also on behalf of me, you have my deepest sympathy, you and your family.

Holding you close,

big hugs,

Saskia and Mhina.

[Altira]

(Knight in shining armor)
He arrived at her door with an axe over his shoulder. There had been a bad storm. Trees had fallen. She thought him so cute.

(Won't you believe in my song?)
She didn't want to be tied down. She pushed him away. Hurt him. Then one day she realized he was the one. She came back, went after him. And cherished him, forever more.

Married for 71 years! The below song could not fit more perfectly.

TO MY MOM:
I woke this afternoon with a song in my head. This is the song he wanted you to have. He died knowing Steve would be here. He knew it would be a great comfort for you. He had to go. Always protecting you. He could not have chose a better time to go for his Lady.

LADY - by Kenny Rogers

Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more

You have gone and made me such a fool
I'm so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won't you believe in my song?

Lady, for so many years I thought I'd never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear

In my eyes I see no one else but you
There's no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I'll always want you near me
I've waited for you for so long

Lady, your love's the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
'Cause, my love, there's somethin' I want you to know
You're the love of my life, you're my lady!

[Altira]

They did a crappy job of showing us how marriage was for most people. And I lovingly told them so! Us kids were rather disalutioned and didn't understand what we did wrong. But how lucky we were to be a part of what they had. Dad easily admited he was smitten with mom right from the start. And us kids remain married to our chosen spouses, still believing in the sanctity that marriage is forever because of them.

[lauraperla]

71 years, wow! What a wonderful life and adventure they must have had together!
Blessings to your Mum, it will be tough but from all you've written she's a fighter and I hope she goes on to find moments of joy and peace in her life. My Mum and Dad had 45 years together, all of their adult life, before their life together was cruelly cut short by his death at only 63. Mum found her way forward through family and the comfort they bring.

[Altira]

I'm so sorry your father died so young. Mom always says girls should marry younger boys to even things out. Too many women end up alone for so long.

My mom needs purpose to servive. And she has plenty of will to find it. She wants to read to children. She is a wonderful story teller. She likes to make funny gestures and expressions. And she has a sister who's husband is very ill. I think she will convince her to move here. She lives so far away and dad couldn't travel. It's been a long time since she's seen her. I never had kids but my brother and sister sure do. Lots of great grand kids too. She has a lot to live for. So papa you will just have to wait. But you have done that before.

[Roxee's Dad]

Dear Janis,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Keep his memories alive in your heart.

[addy]

Janis is I am so sorry. It is one of the hardest things we go through, losing our father.

When you need him the most, your dad will come to you in your dreams. I hope you find comfort in those visits. Talk to him often. I still go outside some evenings, look at the stars and talk to my dad.

He will always be there for you, your father, just in a differerent way.

[Casey's Mom]

Janis - thank you for posting the photos - what a beautiful couple! I am going through the same with my dad. It is so hard. We love you and support you and are here with open arms.

[Altira]

I seem to be the only one upset over it. I go outside and look at the stars and feel nothing. I talk to him and I feel like I'm talking to myself. It was far worse when I lost Mira. 100 times worse.

Ellen. What's up with your dad?

[marie adams]

Dear Janis,

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

When my mother past I was upset, but as you felt, it was far more upsetting losing Maddie. I think it is because they were with us 24 hours a day for so many years, but not enough years. I wasn't there living with my mother at the end and she had a long life.

Take care and as they say, think of the wonderful times you had with your father.

((((HUGS))))

[Altira]

Thank you Marie... That makes me feel better. Many many days but not enough years. What a sweet way of putting it. I let myself get so close to Mira in her last 22 days and it was such a shock. No death hurt more then hers. I have discovered that we can at least disappoint our doggies. I was crying over my dad and Neeka was madly tearing up my Kleenex. I got angry with her and kicked her away. She ran off screaming! She's a near 50 pound very strong Siberain Husky. I hurt her feelings. She stayed in the corner crying until I got up and consoled her. I felt so bad. She was up set that I was crying and wanted me to stop. She is only 1 1/2. I'm so glad I still have years to spend with this sweet animal. At least a handful of years or many many days. They are within my sight for countless minutes and each feels so precious. Thanks again.

[Altira]

Anyone have any advise on how to help a grieving mother? My brother is staying at her house intil the 21st. He and his wife are in and out visiting with his wife's brother. We figured it's best to give mom some space. But maybe we aren't giving enough space? We try to just do what she asks. I really worried about her. She's been so close to dad for so long. Ten years 24/7. I was so worried that he would take her right down with him.

She lost her first child when he was 1. Growing up i didnt even know about him. Then when I did no one ever mentioned him. Every now and then mom would say that she doesn't let herself think about him. She just puts it out of her mind. She's been doing this for what... sixty five years! I don't think she ever grieved for him. To this day she can't talk about him.

Now with dad. I think it's all going to be too much. I'm just worried and don't know what to say to her. She says this is all like a dream right now. She is working on going thru his things. Trying to act uneffected. Then she says. I can't find him, I don't know where he is. We had such strong beluefs in life after death and shes feeling nothing. She says she doesn't want to die like her did. Starving to death. I don't know. I don't like where this is going. I just wondered if anyone else could offer their own experiances?

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Janis,

This is going to take some time for you mom to adjust. We all handle grief in our own way; some dive right in and get busy to keep their mind occupied, some give in to the pain and let it wash over them til they are empty, some act as if nothing is wrong and suffer in silence. Let your mom work through this as fits her needs to the best of your ability. A few months down the road if you see she is not coping, then you may need to step in.

When my dad passed, my mom died too only her body didn't know that fact. For the next 18 years she simply existed. She withdrew from everyone except my baby brother. She stopped going anywhere or taking part in the things she used to enjoy. She said she was nothing but a "fifth wheel" and "no one wanted her around like that anyway". We took her to doctors who prescribed meds she refused to take; we signed her up with the Senior Citizens Center where she had several widowed friends who hung out but she wasn't a "senior citizen, thank you very much!"; I asked folks to come visit her, and she was rude and hateful to them most of the time so after a few visits, they stopped coming by; the grandkids made her livid; TV depressed her; books were now a waste of time. Nothing we did or said made any difference at all. Without Daddy, my mom had no value she could recognize. I haven't know any one else who reacted to the death of their mate as drastically as my mom did, but she had problems...long standing problems she refused to acknowledge or address. I think when he passed, she lost her anchor in life and all those things inside her went wild.

If you see you mom withdrawing like mine did, do something....I don't know what as nothing we tried helped but you mom isn't mine so hopefully yours will respond in a more positive way to the loving care you offer. For now tho, I would give her what she asks for, even if that means leaving her alone. Give her time to come to grips with the loss and what that change will mean in her life.

Hugs,
Leslie

[SasAndYunah]

I agree with Leslie, there's not much we can do to help a grieving person. We all have our own ways to grief...and have to find our own way in dealing with the loss. To respect the other persons wishes is to show you understand we all do it differantly and that in itself can be a huge help to the grieving person...to know that you are understood in whatever way you need to grief. Grief is a complicated road...I only have to think back when I lost Yunah. The grief I experienced after her loss was so much different from the grief after loosing other dogs before her... And I didn't anticipate that.

I think the best advice I can give you is to not be afraid of your mom's feelings...they are all part of the grief, of dealing with the loss of her husband. I know I have screamed I would never take another dog back...I was not going to do that ever again. And now look at me...and Mhina :) What I am trying to say is that your mother may say things that might upset you..bt understand they are said in grief, in pain, anger or despair. But just stand by her, tell her you understand that she feels that way...after all, it's not nothing to loose your husband of soooo many years. But with time, those feelings will soften and she will pick up her life again. But let her be "her" in any way she needs to grief... Just don't be "afraid" of strong feelings, whatever they may be (her, but yours too for that matter) they are part of the entire process. And at that time, it is exactly how you feel, but it is not what you (or she) will feel like for the rest of your lives...it's part of the grieving process. So scream, yell, cry, throw a few plates around if you like...it's only how you feel at that specific moment and not going to last forever. It will pass....

Hugs,

Saskia and Mhina.

[Squirt's Mom]

When I was young, my brother and I went to camp every summer for two weeks at a time. One summer, a young man my age stepped on a nail and punctured his foot. It didn't hurt or bleed badly and he was having lots of fun so he didn't tell anyone about it. By the next night, his foot was infected, he will ill and had to be taken from camp. We heard later that he lost his foot. The wound had closed at the surface preventing bleeding which caused serious problems.

Death is like that nail but rather than puncturing the flesh, it punctures the Soul. Just like the flesh, tho, the Soul needs to bleed (grieve) or it will also fester and make us ill. If we try to rush the healing process, stop the bleeding (grieving), then our wound will never heal. Just as allowing a puncture wound in the flesh to freely bleed washes the wound, allowing ourselves and others to grieve as needed washes, and heals, the Soul.

It will be six years in Nov since my daughter passed and there is not a day goes by that I don't cry for her. Some times are harder than others. Over those years, I have been "taught" who I can talk to and who I can't. I can't go to those who I know will only repeat a variation of, "Move on with your life." I can go to those who say, "It's ok" or who say nothing at all. Neither group understands my pain but one group accepts it on face value and doesn't try to change it or me. That is where I find comfort. I pray no one ever understands because in order to understand they also have to lose a child. I simply ask for acceptance.

No one will ever truly understand your mom's pain and grief because no one else shared that life with your dad. She doesn't expect understanding. She simply wants to be accepted as she is from moment to moment, day to day. She simply wants to know that someone will tell her, "It's ok."

A friend sent me a book last year titled, Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine. It is a beautiful book and has meant a great deal to me.

Janis, you must let your Soul bleed, too. Attend to your own sorrow as well as that of your family. You must let yourself heal, you must grieve in the manner that washes you clean. If you worry about the strange sounds coming out of you, just listen closely and you will hear me whisper in your ear, "It's ok, honey, it's ok."

Hugs,
Leslie

[Altira]

If you followed my writing of Mira's death you may remember there were many odd incounters with a little green clock. For my father it was my car, the one he bought. The one I have loved and cared for, for twelve years. My dog carrier....

I was driving home from visiting mom today. I was thinking about what she has been saying that "she doesn't know where he is." So I thought to myself, "do I believe that he is around me?" And even though I wasn't certain I thought, "Yes."*Because I wanted it to be true. In the next instant the lights inside my car came on and the alarm went off. Then it was gone. It was as if the car had reacted to the door being opened while I was driving. I looked all over for some indication of a problem. The door open warning message was not lit, there was no engine check light lit on the dash. No indication of a problem anywhere. The car was running fine. Ok Dad I'm going to tell her. I went straight in the house when I got home and called mom. He knew she would believe me. He had already told me it was ok to be me and I think maybe I know why. All of this happening the day before his service.

I told Bud... He believed me. Bless him. He believed the little green clock too. So unlike him to not tell me I'm wrong.

[Altira]

Leslie, dear sweet Leslie...
My heart breaks for you because I do understand. My mom's first child died when he was one. All my life my mother has lived with exactly what you have. I know, believe me I know. The only way my mom could coupe was to believe he was all around her always. When dad went it has been horrible she can't find him. Well I'm here to tell you that your daughter too is all around you. There with you always. LOL Leslie do you know what it must have took to get me to talk on the phone. I looked at it and thought God I hate talking on the phone. But sometimes even phobias fail.

My mom will be ok. Except I fear her hermet daughter will go back into hiding soon. The door is closing again. This all sounds crazy I know. Thank you papa.

[Altira]

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=508&pictureid=3887
"EL" 1917 to 2012

[mypuppy]

thinking of you dear Janis,

May you and your loved ones find comfort and feel dad's peace within you.

tight hugs,

Xo Jeanette

[addy]

Huge hugs, Janis.

[mypuppy]

Hi Janis,

XO

[Casey's Mom]

Huge hugs sent to you Janis and to your mom.

[Altira]

Thank you guys. I keep thinking of stuff that he did and said. He always answered the phone... "Welton Speaking" that seems odd huh? But that's what he always said. We have been going thru his files. Four years ago he sent a letter to his doctor concerning a possible cure for his failing mind. Something he read somewhere How sad is that? Also mixed in there was a note from me that said something like.. "Love You Papa - Janis" he had put it in a clear sheet protector. Awe. Daddy I wish you didn't have to go!

[Altira]

HERE IS A FUNNY STORY:

Mom called me at 2 am tonight and asked me to come over. There was a funny noise in her bedroom. A beautiful sound she said*but she couldn't figure out*what it was. Well that was no problem, I was wide awake. And she's only 2 miles away.*

She was standing in the driveway in her bare feet when I pulled up. She went to the bedroom and looked rather forlorn because the noise was no longer there.**She showed me where she heard it, so I started looking in dad's dresser to see if there is a music box going off or something.*

Then I got to thinking I had just e-mailed her something just a little bit earlier and I thought possibly my old iPhone that I gave her*was making a noise and that's what*she was hearing. So I went to the room next to hers where she plugs it in at and it wasn't there.*

She took off to the front room thinking she left it out there and I went back to the chair where she heard the noise and saw her purse sitting there,*so I was looking in her purse for it.*

She came back into the bedroom and said I bet I left it in my pants pocket. Sure enough it fell out of her pants onto the chair. And immediately I'm thinking uh oh, I bet*I forgot to turn off the 2 AM alarm I had on that*phone.*

Yup! That's what it was.**I showed her the 2 AM alarm and made it make the same sound that she heard. The reason she hadn't heard it before was because she always plugs in in the room next to hers and she just didn't hear it go off in*there.*

Poor mom, I felt terrible.*She just laughed and laughed and*said it was kind of fun having me come running over there at 2 o'clock in the morning.*

I offered to stay until she went back to sleep but she said... Oh*no I'm*fine, go on home. *And of course she*stood there in the middle of the driveway waving goodbye to me at 2:30 in the morning.*

(I give*Kira her pills at 2 AM and I have*a 2 AM alarm go off every night to remind me.)

[Squirt's Mom]

That is funny! :D How many times did the green alarm clock cross your mind?? ;)

[Altira]

Leslie... You know me well. Ha ha... The first thing I did was look for a music box. I wanted it to be that so much. Then I went and got all sensible!

[Altira]

I've been wondering... I have been so distracted with taking care of my mom and making sure shes ok that I'm not thinking about my dad all that much. I've been going to mom's house everyday and helping her throw out so much stuff and cleaning. It will take months. She had been caring for dad 24/7 for so long she didn't have time for anything else. I still get those sudden thoughts that get me crying but I spend most of my time being worried about mom. She took off to San Fransico on an airplane today... for just the day! To visit a 102 year old releitive who broke her leg and said she didn't want to live anymore. My sister went with my mom. Never the less, I worried about mom all day... she is 92 afterall. She wanted me to go feed her dogs, so I spent the day there with them and scrubbed floors and furniture and brushed the dogs.. I wanted her to see things all bright and shiny and her dogs all nice and neat when she walked in the door. I think I suceeded. I ran Neeka beside the bike all the way to mom's house the day before. I was hopeing the run would calm Neeka down and she'd be more injoyable to visit with. That failed... Neeka was a pill. Just as hyper as ever. Shes fine at home but a new place is just to exciting. Oh well...

Anyway... I was just wondering if when mom goes this will all be much differant. I won't have the distraction any more. I was wondering if anyone noticed this... if it was worse after both parents were gone...

I have also just realized that being the youngest isn't so great... And I mean youngest. My closest sibling got married when I was 9 years old. I was the only child for a long time. I just lost my dad... I will loose my mom. And very likely I'll loose my sister and brother long before I go. I will loose them all. Just like most all youngest do. But I'm the youngest and I don't have children of my own. There just won't be any reason to be here. I won't want to be here. And if I can help it I won't be. But that part doesn't bother me at all. It's loosing the four before me that does. Living thru that. Anyway... I'm just rambling...

Thanks for listening, and the kind words you guys!

[labblab]

Dear Janis,

I am the youngest, too. The youngest in my own family, almost the youngest of all my cousins, and no human children. It is the same for my husband (and I'm even the youngest between him and me, too!). I have several other friends without children, either, and through the years we've joked that we will build a compound, live together, and hire help when we are elderly since we have no children to care for us. But now, as the years have passed, we are of an age where serious health issues are cropping up in my friends, too, and I am thinking about that compound much more wistfuly. Very sobering stuff. Very, very sobering. Most days I feel so grateful that seemingly I have been spared for the time being. But then I wonder, WHY have I been spared? Why am I the lucky one? Or am I truly the lucky one, after all? What does the future hold for me? It is so scary to think about being alone, isn't it.

My dad is no longer alive, and my mom is 92, also. She still lives independently in a retirement complex, but nearby. So we spend lots of time together, and I organize all her appointments and errands. I know what you are talking about -- when she is gone, everything will change for me. Everything. My time and my life will be so different. I wil be an orphan then.

As you can see, Janis, I have no answers to share. But if it helps at all to know that somebody else shares these thoughts and feelings, I want you to know that it is true. And I do believe that every single moment we are granted on this earth is precious. No matter what, there will always be a person or an animal who can benefit from our love and care if we should be so lucky as to feel well enough to offer out our support. So no matter what the future holds, we will always have the opportunity to create a new family around us, if we will have the strength and courage to do so. Just look at our amazing family here! Who would have thought that the worldwide web could bind us all together in this amazing way? :o :)

Sending many hugs your way, my friend. You are such a good friend to so many here, including myself. We are family.
Marianne

[addy]

People sometimes say that once we lose both of our parents, we are adults for the first time in our lives, no matter how old we are because we can never be a "child" again with our mom or dad.

I dont know if that is true but I do know that yes, things change when we lose our parents. If we are helping them, suddenly, we have more time.

I only have a brother, six years older than me. We both only had one child, so our family is pretty small. Mom is the last of her immediate family. Her brother and sisters are now gone. It sometimes is hard for her.

I am just rambling too, Janis, thoughts in my head, how hard it is sometimes, getting older, our families getting older.

But it is the cycle of life. Somehow we come to terms with it, all on our own speed.

Love you sweetie. You have a pretty big family here.:D:D:D;)

[apollo6]

Dear Janis
sorry about the loss of your father. Just be there for your Mom, let her grieve , be angry, cry or what ever she needs to do. when a couple has been married as long as your parents, a part of them dies with their spouse. the pain of the loss is always there. it eases with time, but it never goes away. You are left with the memories. don't listen to the advice of others, grieve in you own way. Even now after losing my DAD in 2003, sometimes I start crying for no reason. When a parent dies, I part of you dies with them, you realize your mortality.
I have one younger brother( 13 years my junior) he is married with 3 girls lives in ohio, I never had children and now, if my husband is gone, I really have no one. they say you come into the world alone, you leave alone. enjoy each day likes it your last. I am great full to still have my mother. but it is very hard, she realize on me more and more, at age 80, says she is tired of life, feels very alone, does still drive, volunteers as a teacher's aid, sings in the church choir. but she wants me to do more and more for her, and my brother doesn't help at all.
Just be there for your mother, listen, she will let you k ow what she wants, we all need a purpose in life. when and if she is ready, getting active some how would help. Being home makes you think too much.
I am dreading losing Apollo, he has been with me 24/7.
Take care
Hugs Sonja and Apollo

[Altira]

Gosh you guys I wasn't expecting a response to that post and I am so touched by what each of you said, truly. Marianne, Addie, Sonya, I fear I'm at a loss for words at the moment. So I will just say thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and your lives with me. For being here with me.

[Altira]

More strange encounters

My father's name is Eldredge, his nickname is "El"

4 MY EL
*
THE FIRST ENCOUNTER:
I first saw this license plate “4 MY El” the day*after dad died.. We going straight on Cambridge on our way to the cemetery to meet the rest of the family there. *Not long after we got there I handed my mom a note with this license plate written on it. I told her that was the plate I saw on a car on our way over there.
*
Me and mom get excited over this sort of stuff.
*
THE SECOND ENCOUNTER:
On Aug 9, 2012, (one day short of one month after dad died)… after spending the afternoon helping mom, I was driving home down Cambridge. I caught up to this brown SUV and saw that license plate again! “4 MY El” Right in front of me! I fumbled for my iPhone and fumbled trying to get the camera going and drive at the same time. I’m panicking. But 4 MY El kept going straight, staying right in front of me! I took a quick picture but feared the plate would not be visible. So I got closer and took another picture. We were almost to the light at Katella, *were slowed just very briefly and I got even closer and took a third picture. 4 MY El continued straight on Cambridge. If it was at all possible to do that with my iPhone 4S, the third picture should have got it! 4 MY El continued passed our street. I dashed down our street and into our garage. I didn’t even turn the car off, I sat right there with the A/C blasting and I went after those pictures! And there it was… a picture that clearly reviled the plate 4 MY El! I couldn’t get that picture*to mom fast enough!!!
*
FURTHER NOTE (CONCERNING CAMBRIDGE):
The encounter with my inside car lights and alarm also happened on the exact same stretch of Cambridge where I got these pictures! My dad used to drive down Cambridge a lot!
*
Was this a coincidence? The place, the timing, the circumstances, the recurrences, coincidence? Well it certainly wasn't made up, nor was it a false memory, or a dream. I have the pictures to prove it.*

I would post the picture here but my picture section is full. I will though if anyone wants to see it.