Hello All!

[forscooter]

I spoke to the vet. He basically agreed with my theories. The first being that we took out the adrenals with the Lysodren although this doesn’t seem likely especially since he has been off of it for 10 months now.

The second being the brain tumor possibility. We could scan him but that really would serve no purpose other than to satisfy curiosity. Because I would not put him through surgery or radiation. With the increase in the twitches, and tic and seizure-like episodes in conjunction with the low cortisol symptoms we are seeing now, his theory includes the likelihood that there is a brain tumor present. The tumor being around or on the pit gland and causing Cushing’s-like symptoms in the beginning by affecting the loop. If the tumor is indeed enlarging and/or changing cell structure, it could be now affecting that loop creating Addisonian symptoms.

We are increasing the pred to 2.5 twice/day for now. I will talk to him later in the week. He felt a larger dose was needed to get in a more therapeutic range but as long as Bailey is acting like he should, he is fine dosing as needed.

The goal now is to keep him comfortable. We don’t know, for sure, if this is what it is but it seems the most likely scenario. We will treat the symptoms as we can for as long as we can.
Scoobie was my heart. Bailey is my soul.

Thank you to all of you who have supported and helped us so very much along this part of our journey. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you….what the future brings, I will see.
Love and hugs, Beth

[Truffa's Mom]

Beth I don't know what to say, just wanted to let you know that my healing thoughts, a big chunk of my heart and a hopeful slice of my soul would be flying your way. Please add to your vet's prescription lots of cuddling naps with Bailey, that's a wonderful medicine for the and for us.

Luv'ya

[gpgscott]

Beth I am so sorry Bailey is having issues.

I really think you should not jump to Cushing's or cortisol issues. From what you are describing it sounds more like seizures or other neuro issues.

Prednisone is good for pups with many issues unless of course they are already producing too much of it.

I can't see that there has been any recent testing, so you really don't know about circulating levels of cortisol. Have you done a blood panel of some sort, you have refered to reduction in liver enzymes.

I hope it is something simple.

Hugs to you all.

Scott

[judymaggie]

Beth -- am sending lots of http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n36/judymaggie/Avatars/hug1.gif to you and Bailey! I can totally relate to you not wanting to put Bailey through tests for the sake of testing and wanting to keep him as comfy as possible.
Is there any thought to trying some phenobarb to help curtail the twitches/tics/seizure-like episodes?

[forscooter]

Marcela.....Thank you!!! I am trying to spend every second I can with him and he is getting whatever he wants right now...

Scott, I think maybe I confused everyone...so let me back up and outline what made us think it may be a combo issue although you are absolutely right that it could be a neuro issue alone...

Last January, I noticed a drop off in Bailey's appetite. He was also missing Scoobie but he was just "off". His stool was a little loose and he just had no "Bailey" or little of it. So, on gut mostly, I stopped the Lysodren and let the vet know. I told him with the stress of losing Scoobie I felt more comfortable waiting for a resumption of symptoms and we would do and ACTH if and when they returned. They never did. His appetite returned to normal and he seemed good physically.

I honestly can't remember exactly when the twitching started but it was sometime last winter.

Then, sometime this summer/spring maybe his appetite increased. I thought on and off about stimming him or doing a very small re-loading but I gave it some time before jumping ahead and sure enough, his appetite would back down and go back to normal. Also, the drinking never resumed and stayed within normal.

Fast forward to Friday, and he stopped eating. Not a little....he wouldn't eat anything. Not food, not a cookie, not cheese, not peanut butter, nothing...and I did have that episode where I couldn't wake him. That not waking up was probably neuro.

But something caused the rapid loss of appetite. He could be seizing and making his levels go low....or there could be something affecting the loop per se....or it could be a tumor of some sort. But because he did well after the Lysodren stoppage, we are thinking that yes, it is not a solely cortisol issue. But he isn't presenting Cushing's symptoms either and in fact, acts the opposite. So, that's where the tumor possibly affecting the cortisol comes in....the lethargy, lack of appetite, loose stool, decreased drinking, weakness, lack of any sort of spark in his eye.

He is also periodically gagging and choking on things now.

The twitch/tic/seizure-like stuff has increased.

I gave him the additional 2.5mg of pred tonight and he is coughing and acting hoarse. And now, yes he is eating very well and drinking a lot.

The last blood we ran was a CBC panel....everything came back perfect except the Alk Phos which went from the 800s to the 600s (sorry, the numbers are on my desk at work) within about a 2 month period of time.

So, it is bc of the disappearance of the Cushing's symptoms, and the emergence of more Addisonian symptoms without being treated with Lysodren over the last 10 months that makes us suspect the tumor is somehow involved and the cortisol was involved as well.

The pred is now just for comfort...to find a level that will keep him wanting to eat, able to get up and play and hopefully reduce the seizure-like stuff.

We are ready to start something like phenobarb should the seizure-like stuff get worse or not improve. But for now, we want to wait and see if the pred will reduce enough of any possible inflammation to control those better as well.

Unfortunately, we did not do a stim a few months ago bc he seemed fine. With the pred on board, we can't do it now. So, no, no idea on what the cortisol is looking like right now.

The pred has brought the spark back to his eyes, he seems more like my Bailey tonight. I do think we will be up peeing a lot tonight but that's OK as long as it keeps him more comfortable. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure he is happy....I just wish I could fix it.:(:(

Thank you all so much....I hope this explains it a little better. Please forgive me bc I am not in my right mind and am very tired from the little basset beast who has taken over the house! Hopefully, I made more sense!

Lots of love and hugs, Beth, Bailey, always Scoobie, Allo and Baby Pallie

[Roxee's Dad]

Hey Beth,
Just wanted you to know that I am keeping you and Bailey in my thoughts and prayers. Give him lots of love wich I know you are already doing.

Love and hugs right back at you and yours.

[corgipallie]

Wish I could fix it too.
Spend more time with love than fear. Remember what Stevie Nicks wrote "I have no fear, I have only love." I know it's hard but give all your love. All of it.

Sending lotsa hugs.

Steph, Apollo, and Pallie from Heaven

[forscooter]

Thanks so much, John and Steph....that's the one thing I can do....

and Steph, I was singing that line over and over again last night...I am sure he enjoyed it. :o He does seem to be doing better on the pred so far...hoping it lasts for a long time!

Thanks so much again!!!

Love and hugs, Beth, Bailey, always Scoobie and Allo and Baby Pallie too

[Harley PoMMom]

Hi Beth,

I too, am so sorry that Bailey is having these issues and I wish I could make them go away...:(

I was wondering and this is probably a long shot, but was Bailey ever tested for Lupus? I found some info on Lupus on vetinfo4dogs.com and thought I'd share it with you, I hope you don't mind.


Lupus (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, or SLE for short)

The diagnosis of SLE is made based on the presence of clinical signs and the positive ANA test. In general, the diagnosis becomes more likely if at least one of the "major" signs of SLE are present, which include arthritis affecting more than one joint, kidney disease (glomerulonephritis), skin disease not from another cause, anemia with a positive Coomb's test and low platelet counts. If two of these major signs are present or if at least two "minor" signs are present then SLE is also likely. The minor signs include fever, pleuritis, heart muscle inflammation, muscular weakness and neurologic disorders.

http://www.vetinfo.com/dlupus.html

I've read too that Lupus can cause weight-loss in dogs.

This is just a thought of mine, according to the article Lupus is very treatable.

I hope Bailey is feeling a whole bunch better today.

Much Love and many hugs being sent your way.
Lori

[lucygoo]

Hi Beth,

I'm sorry Bailey isn't feeling well. I was just reading Lori's post about lupus. I've had that since I was 16, and I know dogs do get it as well.
I've had joint involvement as well as kidney and heart (pericarditis)...if you have any questions on symptoms, I can sure answer those...at least on the human side.

Hope Bailey is feeling better soon!

Gina and Lucy

[forscooter]

Thank you, Lori and Gina! I don't think he has lupus after looking everything over. Nothing seems to really fit except yes, he has arthritis and the kidney issue is related mostly to his age. His blood work, as far as anemia and platelet counts, etc have been excellent. Last check, his blood work was called "beautiful".

He is responding to the prednisone...eating well and drinking. More alert although still kind of tired. The bid dosing seems to be better for him.

All I feel I can do is love him up...I owe him that much. I owe him my whole heart....

And I thank you so much for looking into this for me!!!!
Much love and many hugs, Beth

[labblab]

Nobody on earth can love on Bailey better than you, Beth. Right now, it may be hard to sort out the best medicine for his body. But there is no question at all as to the best medicine to support his spirit.

And here's some giant (((hugs))) to help support YOU, too... :)
Always here for you (even when I'm being "quiet" cuz I'm wishing I had something more helpful to say...:o) ~ Marianne

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

I'm glad Bailey is doing better.

I'm just been trying to catch up on posts.

Terri

[BestBuddy]

Hey B,
I still here and checking up on you. I have no questions or answers but lots of love being sent your way.
Jenny

[Franklin'sMum]

Hi Beth and Bailey,

We're sending positive thoughts and best wishes your's and Bailey's way. Hugs to you both
Jane and Franklin

[Harley PoMMom]

Hi Beth,

I figured it was a long shot, but I was so hoping that maybe it was this because it is so treatable.

I just hate sitting here with my hands tied and doing nothing while one of my dear, special, and kindest friends is hurting, but somtimes having them know that you are here is enough instead of pestering them with trying to help diagnose their precious pup...so, please know that I am always, always here for you, and that you and Bailey are always in my thoughts and prayers.

What Steph told you in her post:
Spend more time with love than fear... Boy, that Steph can say such beautiful and meaniful statements, and I do believe you are trying to do that now, altho hard, because fear is fear and we have to face our fear but you have so much love for Bailey that this love will overcome the fear. Lovin Bailey up is an excellent idea and I am sure he is loving it too.

Love and hugs.
Lori

[Dollydog]

Hi Beth,
I too am glad he's feeling better and know that loving him is the best for him right now.
Always checking on you,
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel :)

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Hey Beth.....

How are you...and Bailey....and Pallie....and Allo??? Looking for an update! :D :D

Louise

[forscooter]

Hi Louise,

We are all hanging in, thanks! Bailey is weaned off the pred for the most part. Some days are better than others as far as the twitching thing goes. He is having some facial tremors, kind of like his whole head just vibrates....very very subtle but it's there. My b/f saw it too so I know it isn't just me, bc sometimes I wonder. He is alert when it happens and responsive...almost like something you'd see early in Parkinson's as a way to describe it. It comes and goes too. The other day I saw his whole body doing it.....just this vibration of sorts....kind of like a shake you would do if cold. Again, he was standing there wagging his tail and smiling at me and responding.

Today was the first day his appetite has dropped back off but he ate a little. I am keeping an eye on that very closely and will dose with pred if needed. Trying to see what the smallest dose is we can do. The vet wanted me to do this since the higher dose seemed to do nothing for the seizure-like stuff going on. I have phenobarb and the dosing on hand should I need it in an emergency.

Taking it one day at a time...as I remember being very wisely told that dogs live in the moment...so I am trying to stay in the moment with him....

Allo continues to do his own thing but is getting a bit tired of being eaten by Pallie...

who in turn bared her teeth at a little Halloweener.....turns out she is a scaredy dog....Sooo, off to training classes she went. Her first night was last Thursday. She was so frightened just being in the room and we were alone, that she tried to run out and ran headfirst into the glass partition and bounced off. Got up and tried again! We only have one other pup in class with us and her instructor was absolutely excellent. I realized she needs more socialization than outside of my family. She warmed up to the other dog, a portugese water dog who is 4 months old and cute as anything, pretty fast but the people, not so much. She spent half the class safely under my legs. The plan is to get her to be comfortable around others.....and we'll worry about the commands as she can tolerate it. Visits to the parks, etc is also on our list. She seems pretty smart and is catching on to the training at home.....except for poor Allo!!!

We are using the clicker too....and even Bailey waits for a treat when the click goes off so I am doing them together although not demanding as much from him. But he likes it too!

Pallie also seems to be terrified of new shoes.....will not come near you....so she is known not only as Queen Sh** but as Queen Chicken Sh** too!

I am hanging in trying to manage all of them....and work is stressful right now as we are losing 20% of our funding. I hope to have a job in a year (or at least that long!)....and it is coming up to "that" time of year....lots of first anniversaries and sometimes I just have to push to keep on going....I'll be glad when that time is over!

I have to go shower, finally, bc I may get kicked out of the neighborhood.....raking leaving and stepping in some surprises left by the kids....

Thanks again for checking in and I hope you and your furballs are all doing well!!!!!!

Love and hugs, Beth and the crew

[Dollydog]

Hi Beth,
Thanks for the update. The Parkinson-like tremors are what we saw with Lady for the last 18 months of her life. I called them shudders and they progressed very slowly for her. She never fell over with them but could lose her balance as they became stronger and more frequent. They never stopped her from doing anything and didn't seem to bother her at all!
Pallie sounds as if she is coming along nicely. Poor Allo...maybe he'll be safe from her soon.
It's hard to believe that all those terrible "anniversaries" are going to be here so soon. :( I'll be thinking of you a lot in the next few months.
(((HUGS)))
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel

[clydetheboosmom]

Beth!

I'm just catching up! Hope all is well and that we get to speak soon...

Love,
Lynne, Clyde & Bailey

[Squirt's Mom]

We need an update on Bailey and the rest of the crew there, honey! Post a bit when you are able, ok?

((((((Hugs))))))
Leslie and the girls

[forscooter]

Lynne, I am going to be calling you very very soon, my friend...

Leslie, thanks, you sweet woman, for checking on us...

Bailey is pretty much status quo....no better and no worse. I think Baby Pallie keeps him going sometimes as he tries to keep up with her. He is relishing in her training as he stays by her side and earns a reward for every time she does something right. He tries to do them too, but sitting for him and laying down are not things he does easily anymore so he gets a treat for being a great coach. Eating is good.....twitching continues...some days there is a blankness, an emptiness, to his stare. I take his head and cradle it in my hands, kiss his face all over and tell him how much I love him. I can see where he is trying to get through those times, and he does respond, the slowly the spark leaves on some days now and it hurts me so.

Pallie is being Pallie....the Queen S**t that Sharon so aptly named her. She is doing very well with the training though, and got an actual head bump of acceptance from Allo....right before she pounced him and recovered from the what the heck was that about, Mom look.

I've been struggling a bit the last week or two as time draws closer. As much as I tell myself these days are no different than all the days that have already passed, so much reliving of "this time last year" is happening and "if only I had known" creeps into my head...I let the thoughts come and I let them go....but I feel the sadness all the same.

It will be one year Monday for my mom as I face the holiday again without her having her one last wish, my dad a few weeks later and then Scoobie on Dec. 26th....I am planning on doing one positive thing that I did with each of them on those days....something that I enjoyed with them or about them to remind me of just how blessed I was for a long time.

I am also in the middle of exploring some other job options, redoing my kitchen, and trying to keep my life moving forward....and Pallie saps about every ounce of strength I have when I get home...did someone tell me to get a puppy???

Love to you all.....Beth, Bailey, always Scoobie, Allo and Baby Pallie

[frijole]

Hugs to you from Annie, Haley and I. Glad to hear you are hanging in there and keeping busy. Kim

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

did someone tell me to get a puppy???Hmmmm....my memory seems to fail me at the moment so I'm taking the fifth just in case. :D

Glad Bailey has not gotten worse. Made me smile when I read he is participating in Pallie's training "Bailey style" and getting his share of treats.

Sounds like you're keeping very busy. Is the bathroom project all finished? Good luck with your new kitchen project. Wow, I could use some of your energy!

Take care, Beth, and give all "the kids" a hug and pet from me!

Louise

[Squirt's Mom]

...did someone tell me to get a puppy???

Not meeeeee!!!!! :p

Thinking of you, my friend, and sending you strength along with much love and many hugs...

[Harley PoMMom]

Lots of love and big hugs sent to you my dear friend...Lori

[clydetheboosmom]

Hugs to you my friend....

Lynne, Clyde & Bailey

[ladysmom06]

Beth,

Lots of hugs and love being sent your way.

[maggiebeagle]

I've been thinking of you. My Mom died 33 years ago on Pearl Harbor Day and my Dad died 6 years ago on Thanksgiving Day. Some years are worse than others and I've been missing my parents alot this year. I'm sending a prayer your way.
Virginia

[forscooter]

Thank you, Virginia...it means a lot to me...Love ya, Beth

[labblab]

Hey Beth,

Thinking about you guys today, and wondering how things have been going. I sure hope that things have settled down and Allo has been doing better. And that YOU are feeling better, too!!! Would love an update when you have the chance...:o

Marianne

[forscooter]

Hi Marianne,

Things are churning along here, thank you so much for checking on us!

Allo is staying on the pred every other day and the inhaler twice a day. He seems much better, back to playing, is having some sneezing still, but is more himself. I have air purifiers running and have tried to stick to non-offensive cleaning products. He is eating well and I haven't heard any wheezing except for one very quick minor episode. So we decided to leave him on the current dosing and re-evaluate as the weather changes in the Spring.

I am still home but seeing the doctor tomorrow. I hope to return to work at least part-time next week. As my luck goes, I spent three hours in a dentist chair yesterday and have a particularly bad infection that they are trying to re-do the old root canal on...put on a major antibiotic and I look like Alvin from the chipmunks! So, not quite one thing healed and another to take care of...this has been my story for the past 3 years and I am more than tired....

I took Bailey in for his nail trim last week with a friend to hold him. I had the vet check him over best we could, he is too fragile to knock out anymore so we are limited as to what we can do bc of his behavior. I probably should post this on his thread but am too tired. Anyway, he started phenobarb for the weird neuro stuff and he is showing signs of improvement! That's the good news....

Lately, Bailey has been looking very drawn and empty-eyed. He does still have moments of tail wagging and smiles but mostly sleeps, cries in his sleep, and gets cranky a lot more often. He has this longing look on his face and it breaks my heart.

We had a long talk and pretty much agree there is a tumor in his head. The mass on his left side is not inside the rib cage but is massive. We won't scan him bc there is no point...he is too fragile to really treat anything and I wouldn't put him through all of that. So, we are treating symptoms only at this point, agreed he is on his way to leaving me, how quickly or slowly depends on God and him, and we are only doing "comfort care".

I have seen what appear to be Addisonian-like episodes and lately he has almost bitten me in giving the pred. So we agreed to a small dose every other day. But now the problem is he is also drinking bowls and bowls of water, eats anything he can, and cries to eat more. So, I stopped that dosing and am trying to figure out a schedule that will work. I am not even sure what I am seeing is a true addisonian thing or if it is the symptom of whatever else is going on in his body. We couldn't draw blood because he was so agitated at that point.

Earlier in the vet visit, Bailey just stood there. No fighting or complaining, no squirming....the vet and tech both remarked this was not the same Bailey....that is was evident from his behavior that he was not well. He got agitated only after the last paw was trimmed and by then we couldn't do blood. But before that, it was sad as he stood there with this sad look on his face and was just so quiet. That's not my Bailey.

Anyway, I started thinking last night that is it possible for a macro tumor, given it is one and located there, that the tumor could interfere with the loop in such a way that they can cycle between Addison's and Cush symptoms? Could the loop go in overdrive one way and then the other. As was pointed out to me, other tumors probably could do this too. I am so tired I couldn't find much on this although I did try between naps today. I am asking because maybe the pred is hitting when he is in a Cush state...and then other times he is in a Addison's state...I don't know. I am so confused. He hasn't had the pred in days and he is still drinking tons of water.

He could have diabetes or thyroid although his last labs were the best ever. I can't take him back and re-stress him though...I won't do that to him.

So, although he sleeps without the violent jerking, he cries all the time and groans in his sleep....I promised him a long time ago that it would never be about me. I did that for Scoobie. Bailey deserves no less. It's about him....it is always about him.

I will let Mother Nature try to guide me. I will be thankful for every minute I have left with him...whether it be next week or month or year...I have been blessed with two special Cushpups who brought me so much love, so much life, so many challenges, and so much light....I can't ask for anymore that what I have had....

Thanks again for checking in....sorry for such a long report!!!
Lots of love and hugs, Beth

[frijole]

Beth, Can't offer any advice but wanted to commend you on being such a great mom to these furry critters. Your love is so obvious and you have done so much for all of them. I wish I could take away your pain but I can't. I send my best to you and all your babies. Kim

[SasAndYunah]

Oh Beth,

I am so sorry about everything going on. There's one thing that came to mind after reading your post... I am not sure how long Bailey has been on Phenobarb but some of the side effects include increased water intake and lethargy. So perhaps the Phenobarb is responsable for those?

Another thing I wanted to tell you (just so you know of this possibility) is that there is a medication that increases the bloodflow. By giving this medication, especially in older dogs with (even minor) heartproblems the bloodflow increases and this can help some "senior" behaviour like confusion, restlessnes or anxiaty. When the brain gets more blood, these "neurological" symptoms will improve.

I am so sorry but at this moment I can't remember the name of the medication but will get back when I remember the name again...

Wishing you all the best and thinking of you,

Saskia and Yunah.

[littleone1]

I am so sorry for everything you have been going through Beth. I wish there was something I could do to help. You've have been such a terrific, loving, and caring mom to all of your furbabies.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully things will get better.

[Roxee's Dad]

Hi Beth,
Keeping you and the gang in my thoughts and prayers.

[labblab]

Beth, thank you so much for taking the time to tell us what has been happening. Still so many challenges for you to face, although I am very relieved to hear that Allo has improved even just a bit.

I do understand your position regarding Bailey's diagnostics and care. I have witnessed the grace of human hospice care, and do believe that a similar need and time can arrive for our animal companions. When the greatest gift is simply loving and being with one another for whatever time we are given.

I was struck by your description of Bailey's behavior at the vet. With Barkis, at the end, what we assume was the enlarging tumor was altering his personality in addition to his behavior. At home, he was showing symptoms of both Addison's and Cushing's -- wouldn't eat or drink, but was panting up a storm and trying to find those cool places. But more than his physical discomfort, it was the look on his face -- or I should say, the absence of "his" look -- that signalled a profound internal change to us. I don't know how to describe it. But moment by moment, our boy was leaving us.

From the time he was tiny, he always paced and trembled and sought escape whenever we took him to any vet. But on that last trip in, he was perfectly calm. He was calm during the ride, while walking in under his own power, while we talked with the vet and hugged and loved on him. In one way, it was such a gift to us on that awful morning -- that he WAS so peacful and calm. But it was also such a sign of the change that had happened within him. As if he was unaware of where he was. But I do believe in my heart that he knew that we were with him. I do believe that never changed.

I know you have already lived through this pain with Scooby. I hope that you will somehow be spared any uncertainty with Bailey -- that a moment or a sign will be so clearcut and vivid that there can be no doubt as to what to do. But in the meantime and for however long you are given with one another, I wish you peace and grace and love. And I send you, as always, so many hugs.

Marianne

[forscooter]

Thank you all so much for your love and support...it always means a great deal to me.

Saskia, I have been feeling so poorly I never looked up the phenobarb side effects and it never crossed my mind that that could be causing this huge increase. I will see what happens bc we are on a two week trial and on the last week of that. Thank you so very much for pointing that out to me! And if you think of the other med., I can ask the vet when I call next week too.

I can say that this cycling between Addison's and Cushing's did start before the phenbarb was added....I was confused for the past few weeks but the phenobarb has made it worse. I would give the tiniest poof of pred and he would set off for days on end like a Cushpup and then without warning back to what appeared to be an Addisonian state. And then we would swing back again. Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for almost a week, but the swings have been there.

It's just now the Cush stuff seems so much worse and the phenobarb would explain that! If it continues, I will ask about potassium bromide if that doesn't do the same thing to him. It's so hard because without anything, he seizes....with something he is starving and so thirsty all the time....it's like pick your discomfort. I just want him comfortable.

And wow, Marianne, I had no idea Barkis went through the same thing. And yes, exactly, it is the look, and I know it is impossible to describe but I do believe we are talking about the same thing. It's like the soul is half gone but the other half is hanging on. When the other half leaves, I will know it's time. I always thought his rolling on his left ear was some kind of itchy ear thing, maybe it is, but I am also wondering if it isn't some type of internal irritation? All I can do is keep the ears as itch-free as possible and hope the head is not uncomfortable.

At first when Bailey was being so "good"at the vet, I thought "Oh wow! He's getting used to it! Such a good boy!"....I am not thinking my sharpest these days....until the vet and the tech said to me, "He's not the same Bailey. This isn't our Bailey. He must be feeling so bad to let us do all of this to him and not move." My heart sank bc I realized they were right. And then, I wanted him to at least struggle...but he peered at me from under the blanket they use (so he doesn't nip anyone) and he face spoke volumes. He looked defeated, lost, gone, resigned....empty. And my heart sank again.

I can't help but shake the feeling like when he looks at me he is almost saying, I am still here, Mom, but I can't do this much longer. I you to love me up but I also want you to know I am struggling. Is that crazy? I feel like he is trying to send me this message somehow...not that it is time yet, but the time is coming....

And yes, I did it with Scoobs, and I will do it again. And my heart will break into a thousand more pieces...my soul will darken as he is my souldog...I will never have a love like I do with him...but I will honor his life, all that he is and was and has given me, and do the right thing. And please, yes, please let there be a clear signal bc I still am filled with so much doubt and pain with Scoob. I don't want to back in that place again. I told Bailey the other night quietly in his ear, please let me know or just go when you need to...please be clear if you can because I want to do the right thing. I promise I will.

For now, it is belly rubs and kisses, patio sunshine lounging when the sun is out even if it is cold, and lots of blanket snuggles...and lots of treats and bad but tasty foods and even more kisses....

Thank you all so much again for your support and wisdom and friendship.....

Big basset hugs and kissies, Beth, Bailey, always Scoobs, Allo and Baby Pallie

[Carol G]

Beth,

Just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.

Carol

[gpgscott]

Beth,

Just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.

Carol

Beth,

Same here,

I am checking in as much as I can but it is clear that what has gone on in the past few weeks is complicated, and I really am not up on it all.

I am though thinking about you all and will work at catching up.

Scott

[Squirt's Mom]

Love him. Give him all the sunshine lounging and kisses and blanket snuggles and belly rubs and bad food and tasty treats he wants and then some. Love him. Never miss a chance to touch him, talk to him, or make his tail wag. Love him.

Loving you,
Leslie

[maggiebeagle]

Oh Beth, my heart is hurting for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Virginia and Angel Maggie

[mypuppy]

Dearest Beth,
My heart goes out to you and little Bailey. If I had the power to take away both your pain, I would in a heartbeat. For now, I offer you my thoughts and prayers for a wonderful miracle from up above. Keep the faith. I send you all my love and hope. xo Jeanette and Princess

Thank you all so much for your love and support...it always means a great deal to me.

Saskia, I have been feeling so poorly I never looked up the phenobarb side effects and it never crossed my mind that that could be causing this huge increase. I will see what happens bc we are on a two week trial and on the last week of that. Thank you so very much for pointing that out to me! And if you think of the other med., I can ask the vet when I call next week too.

I can say that this cycling between Addison's and Cushing's did start before the phenbarb was added....I was confused for the past few weeks but the phenobarb has made it worse. I would give the tiniest poof of pred and he would set off for days on end like a Cushpup and then without warning back to what appeared to be an Addisonian state. And then we would swing back again. Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for almost a week, but the swings have been there.

It's just now the Cush stuff seems so much worse and the phenobarb would explain that! If it continues, I will ask about potassium bromide if that doesn't do the same thing to him. It's so hard because without anything, he seizes....with something he is starving and so thirsty all the time....it's like pick your discomfort. I just want him comfortable.

And wow, Marianne, I had no idea Barkis went through the same thing. And yes, exactly, it is the look, and I know it is impossible to describe but I do believe we are talking about the same thing. It's like the soul is half gone but the other half is hanging on. When the other half leaves, I will know it's time. I always thought his rolling on his left ear was some kind of itchy ear thing, maybe it is, but I am also wondering if it isn't some type of internal irritation? All I can do is keep the ears as itch-free as possible and hope the head is not uncomfortable.

At first when Bailey was being so "good"at the vet, I thought "Oh wow! He's getting used to it! Such a good boy!"....I am not thinking my sharpest these days....until the vet and the tech said to me, "He's not the same Bailey. This isn't our Bailey. He must be feeling so bad to let us do all of this to him and not move." My heart sank bc I realized they were right. And then, I wanted him to at least struggle...but he peered at me from under the blanket they use (so he doesn't nip anyone) and he face spoke volumes. He looked defeated, lost, gone, resigned....empty. And my heart sank again.

I can't help but shake the feeling like when he looks at me he is almost saying, I am still here, Mom, but I can't do this much longer. I you to love me up but I also want you to know I am struggling. Is that crazy? I feel like he is trying to send me this message somehow...not that it is time yet, but the time is coming....

And yes, I did it with Scoobs, and I will do it again. And my heart will break into a thousand more pieces...my soul will darken as he is my souldog...I will never have a love like I do with him...but I will honor his life, all that he is and was and has given me, and do the right thing. And please, yes, please let there be a clear signal bc I still am filled with so much doubt and pain with Scoob. I don't want to back in that place again. I told Bailey the other night quietly in his ear, please let me know or just go when you need to...please be clear if you can because I want to do the right thing. I promise I will.

For now, it is belly rubs and kisses, patio sunshine lounging when the sun is out even if it is cold, and lots of blanket snuggles...and lots of treats and bad but tasty foods and even more kisses....

Thank you all so much again for your support and wisdom and friendship.....

Big basset hugs and kissies, Beth, Bailey, always Scoobs, Allo and Baby Pallie

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Beth,

I wish I could help in some way...

Will be keeping you, Bailey and Allo in my thoughts and prayers.

Love ya,
Lori

[Franklin'sMum]

Beth,

You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep hope alive. Love and ((hugs))

Jane and the gang xxx

[forscooter]

I am a bit, more than a bit, choked up by the kindness and support here...I wish there were better words than "thank you" but they are all I know....so thank you, to each and every one of you...your support and words and understanding are beyond the scope of words I have to describe how much it means to me.

Bailey is having a quiet day today so far...and comfortable. Some days are better than others. I am dreading returning to work next week and leaving him but I have no choice. Hopefully I can run home midday.

And there he heard me as he is crying in the other room....need to run....

Love to you all....Beth

[littleone1]

I know how you feel Beth. I'm hoping that everything will be okay. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[zoesmom]

Beth - I somehow missed this latest news on Bailey - guess 'cause it was under the 'kitty' title. Glad to read Allo is feeling better, but so sad to read about Bailey's recent struggles. I know you will know what is the right thing to do and at the right time. You are such a strong 'mommy' and Bailey (and Scoobey) always trusted you beyond a shadow of a doubt. Doesn't make your decision any easier, of course. But just know that you have it in your heart to do the right thing. Lots of prayers and hugs coming at you. Sue

[clydetheboosmom]

Bethy -

I missed this originally...I'm so sorry.

Beth, you are the greatest mom I know. I'm sure you are loving Bailey and Bailey knows that in the depth of those eyes.....and loving you back!

Here's the cup back, my friend.....

Hugs

Lynne, Clyde & Bailey

[gpgscott]

Yes, Sue and Lynne,

You missed it because it was originally posted with the kitty stuff in EE and it was just merged.

Please let us know Beth. You know we are all very concerned and care for you and your family deeply.

Scott

[forscooter]

Thank you all so much! Of course, Allo started wheezing a little today so I have one eye on him....hoping it is just the rapid change in weather and we will be back to "normal" tomorrow....

Bailey had a mixed day...Last night was hard. He woke me at 2am to go out, then got in bed with me (which isn't so easy anymore bc he care barely lift any of his weight), and then moaned for a long while. He was right in my face which is also not like him. At 4:30am we were up again, him unable to get down on his own so off the bed I lifted him...went out again and peed for I think 5 minutes straight, and then he cried constantly for about 20 minutes at least. Yesterday, he stood blankly in the living room crying for a spell too...just standing there. This is where my heart gets pulled.

Today, he slept through most of it and then he started playing outside with Baby Pallie! Came in and went right back to sleep. His gait is definitely off, not sure if it is the arthritis or the mass on his side, or a combo...but my son remarked, "It looks like he can't walk right". So my heart sank again bc I have noticed the same thing. HE always had the arthritic leg but this is more of a purposeful lifting of his legs, not quite high-stepping it but sort of...

I go between he still has good moments....and then we have these crying spells and I begin to doubt myself...it is so back and forth. He usually loves having his ears cleaned and last night he crept away from me. The belly rubs last night were met with indifference and this morning met with happy groans....this is where I am so torn. Up down up down up down...

I told myself this morning when I was feeling so down that I have to call the vet on Wednesday with a report about the phenobarb anyway...so I will put off anything until then...the phenobarb is adding to the lethargy and urination and thirst...but without it, he is jerking all over the place...so I kind of feel like I am in the situation of "pick your evil"....and on top of that, "how happy is he really?" This is what I need to explain to the vet and figure out.

I don't think he is quite ready yet...but do I wait until he can't walk, or eat, or drink? Just when does a life become not "dog worthy" which I constantly keep in mind as Saskia said and Leslie reminded me...is it before the pain and sickness become so bad they are miserable, or do you spare them of that, but then are you making the call too soon if there are still happy times? When do you say "when"? I know these are questions we have all struggled with, either with our own pups or trying to help others, and I am still struggling...

So, I think my plan is to wait and talk to the vet bc he knows me so well and he has taken care of Bail since he was 3 months old...and take the next few days and try to find out what my heart says...what I think his quality of life really is...I just don't know how else to handle it. I don't want to end his life too early, but I also don't want the point of it to be mostly discomfort just bc I want him here...AAACKKKK!!! I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!! I'd like to say "someone tell me what to do", but I know you can't. I just have to see and think and talk and think and see....

Thank you thank you thank you....I do know we never would have made it this far without you....
Love and hugs, Beth, Bailey, always Scoobie

[littleone1]

Beth,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm sure it is very difficult on you. Even though you're not sure of what to do at this time, I'm sure you'll know when the time comes.

Please take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[maggiebeagle]

I understand what you are going through because we were there last month with Maggie. We didn't realize until she was gone just how much of our life was taken up with doing things for her or to her. Not that I regret any of it. We had finally decided that her life was not longer "dog worthy" when the decision was taken taken out of our hands.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Virginia and Angel Maggie

[zoesmom]

Beth - I can totally understand the ups and downs. We, too, have been there with the Zo lately. It's walking that fine line of when is it enough or is it too soon. It's a quandry - and a painful one at times. If only they could talk. Sending lots of cyber hugs to you and your crew. Sue

[frijole]

Dear Beth, Oh friend I know how you feel. I am having those moments as well and I just pray that I don't have to make any decisions and that if I have to it will be very clear. It is hard. Hang in there and know you aren't alone. Hugs, Kim, Haley and Annie

[Casey's Mom]

Beth, your love for your Bailey is so strong, he knows. Please be at peace with yourself and love and enjoy him for today.

Love and hugs,

[Franklin'sMum]

Dear Beth,

Thinking of you, and sending hugs (((hugs))) your way. Sweetie, just know we're here for you.

Jane and Franklin xx

[forscooter]

Thank you all so very much!

Bailey seemed to have a better day yesterday, a little more alert and up and around. I did notice that his left front leg is sometimes "pigeon-toed" and I think that is what is affecting his gait. It's from that large mass on this chest and left side throwing off his leg. I felt a little better because he was up wagging his tail more, but he is having a tough time getting started today.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and am having separation pangs leaving all of them, but especially him. Hopefully, I can run home midday and check on him. Plus the dr wants me to start back slowly so I should be leaving early too.

So, I am grateful for the better day...but did notice the eyes are still without their usual spark. I am just taking it day-by-day the best I can, hoping for good days, and preparing for the not-so-good and waiting to know when enough is enough. I hope to get a better feel for things when I can talk to the vet.

I have decided to keep him with the phenobarb bc he does need that for his comfort and the drinking and peeing, while still comes in big spurts is not as bad as it was..so hopefully he is adjusting somewhat to that. I hope that continues to decrease bc that was big concern that I "fixed" one thing but created another. If I can keep him comfortable, then I will stop worrying every two seconds if this is the right thing....that's all I want. And then I will take whatever time he gives me.

I hope today too is a better day once he gets going. I hope we are on the right path to comfort and just a little more time....

Love and hugs and so many thanks from deep in my heart to all of you!
Beth, Bailey and always Scoobie

[ladysmom06]

Dear Beth,

Hugs and Love being sent to you my friend.

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Beth,

I've been periodically peeking in to see how you all are doing. Handling life day-by-day the best you can sounds like a pretty positive approach to me, although I know it's not always that easy to do. I'm glad Bailey had a better day yesterday and hope you and all the furkids will have a better day today also. Time shared (no matter how much) filled with comfort and love sounds like a good plan to me!

Love & Hugs,
Louise

[Dollydog]

Beth, love and hugs from me too....hope you have a good day on Monday,
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel :)

[BestBuddy]

Beth,

I don't post much but I do think of you. Good luck with the return to work, take it easy. Give those furkids a big cuddle from me.

Jenny

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to check to see how Baily did when you went to work today. I hope all was well.

[forscooter]

Hi,

Thanks for checking in on us...

Bailey seemed OK today relatively speaking...I forgot my son had midterms so he was home early with him. I came home early too from exhaustion and wanting to check on the furry kids...

Bailey got up to see me, tail wagging, but otherwise maintains a drunken look and has slept most of the time in a deep deep sleep, which mostly has been the pattern.

I think I am coming closer to the realization that this is just existing...he deserves more than existing...I am struggling so with this whole issue, but I keep coming back to the same place....he's existing...and does existing define quality?

I am going to try and call the vet tomorrow, a day early, but I need to speak to him. If he has something else to try, I will try it....if not, I think I know that there really is only one answer.

He is stiff, he is tired, he no longer has the soulful eyes of my Bailey...I don't want to wait until he is in so much pain he can barely walk, or he is so miserable he is hurting, or he cannot eat or enjoy most of his days....I promised him better than that. I owe him better than that.

If the vet tells me what I suspect he will, I don't know when I will make that final appointment for...but it will be sooner rather than later...and it will be because it is the right thing to do for my other bad boy...

With much love and many hugs, Beth

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Beth,

My dear friend, I truly understand where you are coming from...I love you, my dear friend and I will be here for you.

With much love and big, big hugs,
Lori

[littleone1]

This has to be so hard on you Beth. But I know you'll make the best decision you can for Bailey. You will definitely remain in my thoughts and prayers.

[labblab]

I am here with you, too, Beth. And Bailey is never alone, either. He is cradled in your love while "here." And so many sweet spirits await his passage. They will be there to greet him, the moment that you release him.

I send you peace and strength and countless hugs,
Marianne

[Franklin'sMum]

Oh Beth,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Wishing you peace, and sending ((hugs))

Jane

[clydetheboosmom]

Here for you, Beth.

Lynne, Clyde & Bailey

[Squirt's Mom]

Holding you and Bailey in my heart.

Much love,
Leslie and the girls - always

[frijole]

I'm here too dear Beth. Hugs, Kim

[Roxee's Dad]

Hi Beth,

I am always checking on you but seems I am always at a loss for words, I guess it's because there are no magic words of wisdom. My heart hurts for you knowing what you have gone thru and what you are facing. When that time does come, we will all be sharing in your tears of sadness but also remembering that Bailey could not have had a better life, a more loving life with anyone else but you.

[gpgscott]

Beth,

Having to directly let them go is so difficult. Sue has posted to more than one member that our ability to take their pain and release them is our greatest gift to them. I think she is right.

Hug and kiss him for us all, and know when you decide in his interest we are all right there with you in spirit.

He and all of the others you have shared your life with will always be with you. He trusts you, and so do we.

God bless you all.

Scott

[judymaggie]

Dear Beth -- please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Bailey. A gentle hug sent to Bailey and a big one for you!

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Beth,

I'm here too. Wish I could be there to give real hugs to you and sweet Bailey instead of sending these cyber hugs. ((())) Thinking of you both and saying a special prayer.

Love,
Louise

[Dollydog]

Oh Beth,
I'm here too....wish I could hug you both in person....sending prayers and peace,
Jo-Ann

[ladysmom06]

Dear Beth,

Keeping you and Bailey in my thoughts and prayers. Special hugs being sent from my house to yours.

[Barney's Mom]

Here with the others, you and Bailey are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Cheryl

[zoesmom]

Bethy -
We are here for you - today, tomorrow, whenever and forever. Here's a twist on that old quote to think about. We can't make the pain totally ours, so that you will have none to bear. But we can help you shoulder it and get through it. And we will. HUGS! Sue

[forscooter]

I hope you understand that I can't post much right now but so much appreciate all of your posts and support and your sharing this journey with me...

I spoke to the vet and the decision is made. Bailey will be released this Friday night between 5:30-6pm.

I am going to throw up and am literally coming out of my skin so I just can't say more right now....I am so sorry...but I do know you will all understand...

All our love and thanks...Beth and Bailey

[littleone1]

My heart goes out to you Beth. I know this was a very difficult decision to make, but you are doing what's best for Bailey.

Don't even think about posting right now. Spend the remaining precious time with Bailey, giving him losts of hugs, kisses, and all kinds of treats and goodies.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Corky is sending you a big wet kiss.

We are all here with you and for you.

[gpgscott]

Dear Beth,

Thanks for telling us.

We will all be thinking and praying for you all.

Get back to us when you can.

God Bless.

Scott

[Spiceysmum]

Beth,

I, along with everyone else are sending special thoughts and prayers to you and Bailey. God Bless.

Linda and Spicey

[mytil]

Oh Bethy,
My heart goes out to you as I read this and I am so very very very sorry - I am trying to write through my tears as I hoped things would have turned out differently. You are making the most unselfish decision for him and I know it hurts - the pain is incredible, I am with you now and we will all be with you on Friday. Scooter will welcome him as I know he has missed "his" Bailey. My Mytilda and Clancy will be there too.

(((((hugs)))))
Terry

[sunimist]

Dearest Beth,

I am just so heartbroken for you. Don't know what to say except I love you and am beside you in spirit. Wish I could wrap you in my arms. Dear sweet Bailey...God bless you precious boy. I know my little Misty will be waiting with Scooter and all the other little angels to welcome you to a beautiful and wonderful place. All pain and heartache will be left on this side.

My thoughts, prayers and love will be with you Beth, now and always.

Shelba and Suni

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Oh, Beth....I want to just sit down and cry with you. Sending my love to you and sweet Bailey and saying a prayer for your peace and comfort.

Louise

[Franklin'sMum]

Dear Beth,

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the anxiousness and worry you feel. The pain. The soon to be immeasurable pain. The loss of your sweet Bailey pottering around the house. The rememberances of nails scritching on tiles and floors. The snoring you'll still hear. The heartbreak and tears, which we share with you, Friday and ever more.

All my love,
Jane

[maggiebeagle]

We are all praying for you now and will all be sending you our love and support this Friday.
Virginia and Angel Maggie

[labblab]

Beth, this decision has come from your heart and your love for Bailey. In the coming hours, please try not to second-guess yourself, my friend. As wrenching as the decision must be, my prayer for you is that now that the decision is behind you -- you will find a way to quiet any doubt and any questions -- and instead turn solely to Bailey. To cradle him with the certainty of your love. Because there is absolutely no doubt and no question about that. You will be preparing him for his passage with your love and your gratitude. You will be taking care of him, as you have always done throughout his entire life. His spirit will be released knowing how much you mean to one another.

And just as you will be there for him, we will be here for you. Sending you our love and our strength. We will be here.

Marianne

[frijole]

Beth, my heart is breaking for you but I know you have done all you can and are doing what is best...and nothing I can say can help you. So instead I promise to pray real hard for you as you deal with this. Be well and please know that you and your furry ones have a big place in all of our hearts. Hang in there friend, Kim

[Dollydog]

Oh Beth, I'll be here too, praying for peace for you....I know this is the right thing for Bailey....Lady will be waiting for him too.
(((HUGS)))
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel

[Harley PoMMom]

Oh Beth,

I'll be here too, my dear friend.

With much love and ((((hugs))))
Lori

[k9diabetes]

My thoughts are with you and Bailey...

Natalie

[forscooter]

I don't even know where to begin by saying "thank you" so I won't even try...I hope you all know, and I hope you understand I am so tired and so upset I'm not even sure if I did try, I would even get the words out right...

Bailey is asleep, hopefully for the night. I am going soon too although I want so much to stay up bc I feel that every minute is a minute lost that I will never have again...but I also wanted to come back here and explain what the vet said, maybe it can help someone else someday, his story and this will all not be for naught...and also bc you all have stood by me and I know you do truly care for us...

The vet said that Bailey's symptoms seem to be in line with an expanding pituitary tumor, the neuro stuff that has been happening... and the vision issues are questionable bc usually they are more permanent in nature. The vision comes and goes but the neuro stuff is constant. I am so tired I am not making sense.
But we also discussed his overall level of comfort these days, the almost walking on tiptoes bc his back legs are so very stiff even on meds, the growing by the day mass on his rib cage and his discomfort even trying to lie down and get up. Of course, we can't be sure of a tumor bc I won't do a scan, but the signs are there. And the bottom line is he is not comfortable.

On top of that, he said it seems as of late, we have tried to plug one hole and two more open. He is having more and more issues. He took note of the last visit and how Bailey was not himself, and obviously had little if no fight in him...and how he has been slowly heading that way the last few times he saw him...that he has noted that and it is another indicator that he is not feeling well.

And then on top of that...his concern is that if we are right, and it is a tumor and it is causing these problems, there is a risk that things can turn very ugly very quickly....including the possibility he will just collapse. I can't do that. I can't be at work or at the store or around the corner and have that happen and him be all alone with no one to help him. What if he didn't pass right away and he suffered? What if he was scared or on the floor for hours? What if he was in pain? And it was hours before I got to him? I can't live with that. I can't, most of all, ask him to. It's too much to ask...bc he trusts me to always keep him safe.

I have to ask myself if I could ask Bailey what Bailey wanted, what would he say? And the answer is "rest". His body is riddled with arthritis, his Cush symptoms are back, he has all this neuro stuff and it is so evident that this poor sweet boy is so tired. He also is so clingy now, something he only does when he is sick. Bailey is more content to be in another room away from it all. But not anymore. I always knew when he was a pup when he was sick by the clinginess factor.

He has given me sunshine and love, calmness in the storm of my life, gentle kisses and drooly hugs, warm cuddles and wide open smiles...how can I deny him the peace that I know his body longs for?

I have spent all night cuddling him, talking to him, kissing him and feeding him his favorite bacon...I have sobbed and still feel like I could vomit...I don't know how I will manage to get through tomorrow. The pain is so strong I'm not sure I can breathe through it...it's been a little over one year and I lost my mom, my dad, my Scoobie and now I have to let my Bailey go....I'm not sure now much one heart can break and one weary soul can manage to endure....all I can do is keep trying, keep hoping, and keep praying.

I have visited the candles and thank you from the bottom of my heart to see them...I went a few times and I have read your messages a few times as well while he was outside...so please know they, and you, are all so much appreciated.

I don't know that I will be back beforehand. But I will peek in. Tomorrow is my last full day and I have to be at work for part of it since I missed so much with my surgery. But I am leaving early, and we are going to have a dinner worthy of a Cushdog's appetite, and we are going to spend time talking and cuddling....and Friday, we will do the same...I asked if we could wait for the weekend bc I can't miss work and I know I can't work right after. So that's how we decided on Friday and I need some spoiling time...Scoobie there was no warning...with Bailey there is time for lots of loving. We will eat bacon and bacon and bacon and eggs and ice cream and hamburgers...and we will camp out on the floor all night...and we will stick our noses in the air to catch the scent and lay in the sun and have belly rubs...and then there will be peace and rest for him.

Thank you, really, thank you....I am at a loss right now...
Lots of love and hugs, Beth and Bailey and always, Scoobie

[SachiMom]

Dearest Beth,
If I could only find magic words to take away your pain. You have helped me so much with your support and kind words. Now, I can only promise you that I send you love, prayers and hugs with thoughts to ease your grief. We have all experienced this heartbreak, but it never gets easier, in fact I think it gets harder each time. The last couple of years have tested your limits, yet you continue on, sharing your love with all those around you. Now again, those limits are pressed. Please know that anyone of us would take on your pain if we could. Doing the right thing isn't easy, but it is still the right thing to do.

As the day draws near, celebrate his life with him. Those big floppy ears, short squatty legs, huge feet and big beautiful loving eyes.

Hugs my friend. We are here.
~Mary Ann

[Carol G]

Beth,

You are and will be in my thoughts.

Carol

[judymaggie]

Dear Beth -- I join everyone else in sending you prayers and hugs. I know that my Maggie will be waiting for Bailey along with all of our precious ones. They will take such very good care of him.
I am crying for you and with you ...

[jrepac]

So sorry to hear about Bailey's situation.....:(
But, he will be going to a more restful place.

[maggiebeagle]

And my Maggie will be waiting as well.
Virginia

[gpgscott]

Peace to Bailey, and to you and to us all Beth.

Scott

[frijole]

Still praying and thinking of you. Kim

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to let you know that you are and will still be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. Somehow we manage to get through the really rough times.

[fivebichons]

Dear Beth,

I am sorry I haven't been here in a while. I can't express my feelings more beautifully than Mary Ann. No matter how many times you go through this, it doesn't get any easier. You just get stronger. Today is 5 years since I lost my Friskie (my bichon heart). I wish you the most precious last moments together as they will leave a footprint on your heart. As painful as it may be, you are doing the most wonderful thing for Bailey. You know he has many friends waiting for him in Dog Heaven (and don't forget, he will get ham sandwich biscuits with bacon on the side just for him).

God bless you both. You are in our prayers.

We love you.
Heidi, Marco, Sophie & Sasha
...and Friskie, Lucky, Cheri and Snicky from Heaven...

[forscooter]

My soul is broken....I don't know if I can do this...how am I going to do this???

[sunimist]

Beth, I am holding you and Bailey tightly in my heart today and always, and in a weird way, I can feel my arms around you. I love you and that precious little boy. I pray you can find the strength and courage you need. Just wish I could help you. I am so sorry dear friend.

Shelba and suni

[Dollydog]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[labblab]

Beth, close your eyes and picture Scooter waiting patiently for his brother. Scooter with bright eyes and a wagging tail -- healthy and whole once again. Scooter is counting the hours, too, but his heart is singing instead of breaking. Oh, if only YOUR heart did not have to break in order to reunite the bad boys once again.

I am so profoundly sorry for the pain of this day. For the torture of knowing what lies ahead. Try to stay strong, Beth. Know that we love you and are holding you in our hearts. And that we are honoring both Bailey and Scooter. And that we are shedding tears, too, as we prepare to say good-by to our boy this afternoon.

May the glow from our candles somehow warm your soul. We are here, and we are also there. Just keep writing throughout the day if it is in any way a help or comfort to you. We are here.

Marianne

[Squirt's Mom]

Dear sweet Beth,

My words are lost in my tears. Just know my heart and soul are with you today, tonite, tomorrow and everyday to come.

(((((((hugetearybassettcorgieterriermutthugs)))))) )
Leslie and the girls - always

[clydetheboosmom]

Hugs to you, Beth.

[forscooter]

Thank you, all of you...I had to work at least half the day but am leaving at noon "sick"...I am going to go home, make another steak and the rest of the bacon, and just hold him until we have to leave...

the candles are so beautiful and really all your comments both here and there have touched my heart in so many ways...

I feel like I am going to throw up! And I know my soul is breaking...I don't know how to be in my house without him, he has always been there starting my life there with me, he was my new beginning and always my most steadfast companion...he had trouble walking this morning and we noticed his breathing sounds like he is sucking in air rather than a gentle breath last night in the stillness you could hear it...I know I have to release him...I just really really really don't want to...

Thank you for being here....I can't tell you enough how grateful I am...I hope someday to be able to get the words out...right now, I can't seem to get past the pain...Lots of love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

I know this is breaking your heart Beth. I know you'll find the inner strength to release Bailey. He will be in a happy place with friends and family.

Give Bailey a big hug from me. I'm sure he will enjoy the steak and bacon.

[labblab]

Give Bailey a big hug from me. I'm sure he will enjoy the steak and bacon.
Just like Terri says, huge hugs from me, too. And please tell Bailey that a bite of that steak and bacon is from all of us here who love him so.

Marianne

[ladysmom06]

Dear Beth,

My heart is breaking for you. Sending you love, strength, comfort and hugs my dear friend.

[Casey's Mom]

Dear Beth, so sorry for your pain and I wish with all of my heart that you didn't have to do this but know he is going to be free of suffering and in a better place.


Love, tears and hugs,

[frijole]

Beth, please know we are all here. We might not know what to say but we are here to give you strength, help you heal and to send you our love. This is hard for all of us. Biggest of bear hugs, Kim

[zoesmom]

Beth - with you in spirit today. Sue

[forscooter]

I am having a panic attack and am going to throw up blood...

sorry for the tantrum, but I am having one...:(:(:(

[Squirt's Mom]

Beth, you are going to be ok....I promise. You are so strong and so full of love, more than you know. Love Bailey now all you can, give him your all as you always have, let him know that he leaves with your blessing and that you will honor his life forever.

So many of our babies are waiting at The Bridge for Bailey, right beside your mom, dad and brother. He will leave your loving arms and walk straight into theirs.

We are with you, honey, our thoughts, prayers, tears are with you.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
Leslie and the girls - always

[labblab]

sorry for the tantrum, but I am having one...:(:(:(
This is your safe zone, Beth!!!!!!!! So go ahead and write whatever comes to mind.

Marianne

[labblab]

Do you have a candle there that you could light? And then picture all our candles joining together in your own flame. Maybe focusing on the warmth and the glow of the candlelight might help calm you a bit - and help strengthen you with our thoughts and prayers.

Marianne

[Dollydog]

Beth, do you have someone to drive you home afterwards?
(((HUGS)))

[Squirt's Mom]

My candle is burning....

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Beth,

My mind is blank, my heart aches for you and I am here, my friend.

Love you,
Louise

[labblab]

My candle is burning, too.

Marianne

[SasAndYunah]

I have been ill but am so glad I felt a bit better and decided to check in this evening... I still light candles each evening for my Cukie and my Sogno. This evening the flames of their candles are joint with 2 extra candles, one for you and for Bailey. Yours I lit to give you strength, warmth, support, consolation, friendship, security, love...and I lit Baileys candle wishing him a safe journey and a warm welcome by all those already there...

I will be thinking of you and Bailey, keeping the both of you close,

Saskia and Yunah.

[Dollydog]

My candle here is burning too....

[Squirt's Mom]

The Fourth Day
by Martin Scot Kosins


If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember.

The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend.

You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter ... simply because something in its eyes reached your heart.

But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room - and when you feel it brush against you for the first time - it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.



The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.

It will be a day like any other. Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age where you once saw youth.

You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy.

And you will see sleep where you once saw activity.

So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet - and you may add a pill or two to her food.

And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness.

And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.



And on this day - if your friend and God have not decided for you, then you will be faced with making a decision of your own - on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit.

But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you - you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night sky.



If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or human friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.

But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy filled years, you may find that a soul - a bit smaller in size than your own - seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come.

And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg – very, very lightly.

And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lay - you will remember those three significant days.

The memory will most likely be painful, and leave an ache in your heart -

As time passes the ache will come and go as if it has a life of its own.

You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you.

If you reject it, it will depress you.

If you embrace it, it will deepen you.

Either way, it will still be an ache.



But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when - along with the memory of your pet - and piercing through the heaviness in your heart -there will come a realization that belongs only to you.

It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost.

This realization takes the form of a Living Love -

Like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this Love will remain and grow - and be there for us to remember.

It is a Love we have earned.

It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go - And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live.

It is a Love which is ours alone - until we ourselves leave, to join our Beloved Pets -



It is a Love that we will always possess.

All our love,
Leslie, Squirt, Crystal, Goldie, and our angel, Ruby

[mypuppy]

Dearest Beth,
I can't possibly say anything else to make it hurt any less. As I was reading your posts, tears rolled down my face as I tried putting myself in your shoes. I too lost my brother at the age of 30, dad at 55, and a baby at 5 months. Those were by far the worst pain I had ever have to endure in life. They sucked the life out of me, as I know the loss of your mom, dad did too. But here we are, YOU, I, and many others on this forum, still standing tall yet always feeling empty till the end of time without our loved ones by our side. Take comfort in knowing we will once reunite with all of them, (humans and furbabies) to begin our eternal life together. I wish I can hug you and make it all go away. For now, I hold you, your precious Bailey deep in my heart and prayers. God Bless and really tight hugs are coming your way. xo Jeanette

[labblab]

Fare thee well on your journey, Bailey. Fare thee well, sweet boy.

Auntie M.

[corgipallie]

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown


((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

[Harley PoMMom]

I am here too, my friend and I love you.

[corgipallie]

I hope Beth doesn't hate me for posting this. I hope she has the strength to come here tonight and accept the love and support from the people on this board. I just got a text from her that Bailey has crossed the bridge and he is free. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( I am very proud of you and for your courage Beth for loving Bailey so much to let him be free.

Godspeed sweet Bailey. Give Pallie a hug for me.

[Roxee's Dad]

Rest in Peace sweet Bailey Boy.

[Dollydog]

Godspeed sweet Bailey and give Lady a hug from me....and thank you Stephanie for posting. I've been waiting....he's free now.
It constantly amazes me that Lady is free from all her earthly struggles....having a great time with everyone but me...:(

PS: Steph...I can't imagine that she would hate you for posting this....so many of us have been waiting...

[Harley PoMMom]

Godspeed sweet Bailey Boy.

[littleone1]

God speed Bailey. You are now free to be happy and have no more pain.

[maggiebeagle]

When I had to let Maggie go, the picture I kept getting in my head was of my Dad waiting to greet her. For you I see your Mom and Dad and Scooter waiting just at the far side of the bridge with great anticipation and joy for Bailey to join them. I know your heart is breaking.
Godspeed sweet Bailey.
Virginia and Angel Maggie

[SachiMom]

Godspeed Bailey.
Find our babies and your new firends and run free.
~Mary Ann

[forscooter]

I am here...and have been reading on and off all day long...I hope you all know you are my angels and I just can't write a lot right now. And how could anyone ever be mad at Steph??? I appreciate that she got to you all...

Bailey went very peacefully and quickly. I asked the vet one more time, is this right? He said without hesitation, "absolutely". He is convinced he had an expanding pituitary tumor and left to its own could have led to a very unpleasant ending, like a very long seizure, etc....all the clinical symptoms pointed to that. I could never let him go like that. He deserved to go on his terms and mine.

I am so lost....even with Baby Pallie and Allo this house is so quiet, so empty, so foreign to me.

I am sobbing all over again so I can't write much more right now. I wouldn't have gotten through this day without you. I couldn't have gotten through the past almost three years without you....any of you.

I am going to light a candle tonight and your words, support, love, offers, all of it has not gone unnoticed or without deeply touching my heart....

and in the true Cush spirit I ask you all to please hug your babies, all of them, and give them a special treat they are allowed to have in honor of our Bad Boy.

As the vet said, "It is the end of an era".

Godspeed, my Bailey boy, sweet peace, peaceful rest and run with your brother...run and tell him I put a cat in his house and there is a puppy chewing his stuffed animals...and then ask him where is the ham? Give Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Dave your always gentle kissies, and let them spoil you until I see you again. I love you so...I always will...my best friend, my good boy, my soul....I am so so sorry love couldn't save you....

Beth/Mommy

[littleone1]

These are such beautiful words and sentiments Beth.

God be with you to help you through the healing process.

[frijole]

Bless you Beth. Baily will be missed by us all. He was one of our favorite "bad boys" and truly a member of this family of cush babe owners. Warmest thoughts being sent your way. Cherish the wonderful memories of his life - his escapades kept us entertained for years. And now he is an angel amongst our other cush babes. RIP dearest Bails. Kim, Haley and Annie

[Casey's Mom]

Your writing about today was so moving and beautiful, just wanted to say we are all still here for you, today, tomorrow and whenever you want to talk.

Casey and Desi each have just had a treat and as I patted their heads I told them that this was a treat from Bailey and in honour of his very special being.

Love and many hugs,

[zoesmom]

Beth - my heart is breaking right along with you. Getting to this point is the hardest part. But I believe that now that it's come and gone, you will know deep down in your heart that you did the right thing. Run free, you sweet Bad Boy!

[k9diabetes]

Your momma is going to miss you terribly so please look down on her and keep her safe and hold her close...

Natalie

[Spiceysmum]

Dear Beth,

So sorry. You are all in my thoughts. God Bless.

Linda and Spicey

[Franklin'sMum]

Dearest Beth,

Deepest sympathies. Bailey knows how much you love him, and how much you always will.

Sending you love, comfort and prayers,

Jane xx

[judymaggie]

Dear Beth -- I know how hard it is to wake up this morning with the realization that your Bad Boy is not there with you. Just keep telling yourself that he is free of pain. Your words that "love couldn't save him" resonate strongly with me -- that is exactly what I was thinking as I let my Maggie go.
Spend time with Pallie and Allo and reassure them that their big brother is at peace.
Take care, my friend!

[labblab]

I just want to "second" what Judy has said so beautifully. Beth, many hugs to you on this first morning.

Marianne

[mytil]

(((((((HUGS))))))) to you.
T.

[maggiebeagle]

I'm thinking of you. Hope you were able to sleep some last night.
Virginia and Angel Maggie

[Squirt's Mom]

(((((Hugs)))))

and a spot of tea

[Harley PoMMom]

Thinking of you also. ((((Hugs))))

Love and hugs,
Lori

[Buffaloe]

Oh Beth,

I am so very sorry you lost Bailey. I was reading through the last few pages of your thread and couldn't help but cry. I know it is incredibly hard for you and it will be for some time. But Bailey is in a much better place now. I fully believe he is a young, healthy, strong dog now, right in his prime. You know he is with Scooter and all of his other friends, romping and playing.

Beth, please take good care of yourself. Because we loved deeply, it's only natural that we grieve deeply. Godspeed Bailey.

Ken

[lucygoo]

Beth,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Bailey. You were so supportive of me when I was going through my own hell, and now I have no words; only to say I'm thinking of you both today....take care of yourself.

Gina

[littleone1]

Sending more special hugs to you Beth.

[Dollydog]

Lots of hugs for you today on this "first" day....please take very good care of yourself....
Jo-Ann & my Dollydog angel

[forscooter]

I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your posts...I am having a really rough time but wanted you to know that I am very thankful...thank you seems so not enough I guess bc we say it so much, but I have no other words right now to replace it to truly reflect how I feel....

the pain is excruciating...

Kleenex loves me...

Lots of thanks and hugs and love, Beth

[gpgscott]

Beth, I have posted this previously, it is from Robinson Jeffers.

'You were never masters, but friends. I was your friend.
I loved you well , and was loved. Deep love endures
To the end and far past the end. If this is my end,
I am not lonely. I am not afraid. I am still yours.'

All of them are yours, the pups and your other, dearly departed.

Please post, everyone needs to hear from someone else.

We are all thinking of you.

Scott

[frijole]

Thinking of you and sending the best of wishes and big hugs. Kim and clan

[MiniSchnauzerMom]

Kleenex loves me...


I love you too, my friend!!! Take care of yourself.

L

[corgipallie]

Thinking of you.

((((((((((margaritahugswithteaandbrownies)))))))

[forscooter]

Today was an incredibly painful day...and I have taken much solace in your posts, the poems, the words, the tremendous support you have all shown me...

Allo has been in hiding much of the day. He did curl up on my chest for a little while. And in looking back, the last few days he spent by Bailey's side, sniffing his head endlessly and just staring at him. Baby Pallie is so lost that it hurts me even more. She always waited for Bailey to eat, sitting patiently by her bowl, and so now she won't eat. It's tough even getting cookies in her. I did give her a toy and bone I bought the other day bc I knew today would be hard on her too...I gave it to her this morning.

I have spent most of the day in tears, and then in total numbness, just sitting and staring and thinking.

Finally, I wrote a note to and about Bailey. I am going to post it right after I post this in the In Loving Memory section. Sometimes, for me, writing helps. As most of you know from my long posts. I was going to wait on writing it, but I felt I needed to....for my own heart and for Bailey.

It feels like this house is so different, unknown to me. It's been 24 hours and it already feels like so long since I was able to hold him.

Last night, I held his face in my two hands as I released him...my boyfriend commented it was almost as if you could actually see the pain leave him, more than that relaxation from the drug, like the pain was leaving his body.

My head is pounding from all the tears, and my heart feels ripped to shreds....but I am trying to somehow find the way without him by my side.

I hope you like his story. And I thank you all from the very depth of my heart for all your love and support....
Beth

[fivebichons]

Dear Beth,

Please find comfort in knowing that Bailey has found his very own cloud up in Dog Heaven. Scoobie made sure he saved one for his partner in crime. He will go round and round on his very own cloud and find his comfort spot, but he wants to make sure that you are ok. He doesn't want to worry about you, or you about him. He wants you to know that he loves you more than anything and he thanks you for letting him go. You were the best mom that he could ever have asked for and he and Scoobie will always remember that. Cherish the memories as they will. Scoobie and Bailey love you with all their fuzzy heart.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers to you my dear friend.

Heidi
Marco, Sophie & Sasha
...Friskie, Lucky, Cheri and Snicky from Heaven...

[John II]

Dear Beth,

We all know what's coming. From the day they arrive we know that one day, will be the day. And now that it's come, I hope you know that Bailey was blessed to have you. So many other dogs would be terribly envious of the life Bailey had with you and his family.

You did everything possible for him. Please take comfort in this knowledge, and know that all his pain is gone, and he is at peace.

John.

[Carol G]

Beth,

It is true -- you did everything possible for him and you made the right decision when the time came. My thoughts are with you.

Carol

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi Beth,

I've tried to read your tribute to Bailey but get so teary I can't see it but I will read it as soon as I can. My heart just aches for you and all those who loved Bailey and Scooby so much.

I don't know if you saw this on FB or not but I wanted to share it with you....

"It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog who comes into my life, gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are." -Unknown

Love you my friend,
Leslie and the girls - always

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to see how you're doing.

[Dollydog]

Still checking in .....off to bed now. (((HUGS)))

[forscooter]

Hi,

Thank you for checking in....I'm not doing so well. I think I finally broke one too many times. I feel worse every day when I wake up...I go to bed in tears every night. I kept the tears to myself yesterday to spare my son. But I am struggling with this so much.

I'm not sure I have any "bounce" left to bounce back one more time. And I don't even care....it's like I keep trying, kept trying, but every time I got my head above water, something pushed it back down again. I am so tired of fighting it.

I don't know how I will get to work today but I will. I will exist bc I have to. But any happiness I could find to feel to hold onto left with Bailey.

I'm sorry I am so sad, so broken, but I am. I raise the white flag up and say "You win. You beat me and you win".

Love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

I'm so sorry Beth. Please don't give up. I know it's hard when you lose someone you love so very, very much. There will be better and happier times in your life. As time goes by, things do get easier to deal with. Our loved ones will never be forgotten, and they are with us, watching over us, and helping us get through these very hard times. You still do have loved ones to care of, including yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm hoping that everything starts to get better for you. The healing process can sometimes be very slow, but we need to take it a day at a time.

Please think positive thoughts about Bailey. You gave him a wonderful life. He is no longer in pain or suffering. You did everything you could possibly do for him.

I'm sending an extra big hug for you.

[maggiebeagle]

When my Dad died 6 years ago, my situation at work was not good and things only got worse until I finally found my new job where I am happier. I don't think I allowed myself to fully mourn him, so when Maggie died, my grief over her somehow got tied up with my grief for him. When someone you love dies, it's never a simple goodbye, it's sort of like an onion with lots of layers (and onions make you cry too :rolleyes:).
The candle on my mantle has three wicks, one for you and each of your bad boys. I'll be lighting it every evening for the three of you.

[Dollydog]

Still checking in and I see that you're on here now too....hope your day is moving along as it should....you're one day closer to feeling "normal".
(((HUGS)))

[forscooter]

Thank you all....today was horrid. I wish I could say it was a little easier but it wasn't. Coming home was awful. I can barely eat and I can barely even brush my own hair...bc I just don't care anymore.

I am paying extra attention to Pallie and Allo and my son bc I know they hurt....and it hurts me even more to see them hurt....but outside of that, I can barely care enough to brush my own teeth. I would be perfectly content to sit in this house all day and not move. I am so not myself.

Your words and support do mean so much to me so I want you to know that....truly they do. And I wish I could say something back that really reflects just how much.

I walked in the door and realized not just that Bailey wasn't here, but how things had changed over the course of at least a year. Sometimes, he would meet me at the door....but most times, and more frequently, he did not. When he didn't, I would find him on the couch, groaning a happy groan and here the thump-thump-thump of his tail....and I would find him still half asleep but the tail would be going a mile a minute. Within the last week or two of his life, he could no longer even get on the couch himself...I always had to lift him up, but still he barely got up to meet me. Some days he would, it was always a surprise to see.

But tonight I walked in to nothing....just Pallie squealing very quietly from her pen....no thump, no happy smile from my boy, just the quiet and a little squeal...

I know time heals all wounds, or so it is said, but time seems to keep giving me more and more and more and I just can't take it...between my body parts falling apart and the house breaking and it always being something, losing Bailey put everything in perspective and nothing really seems all that important to me anymore.

I've lost myself...and the really sad thing is I am too tired to care.

I feel even worse now bc I know how I sound and I am so sorry...I wish I could make a joke, or say something positive, but I am just so sad...I am so sorry...

Lots of love and hugs always, Beth

[gpgscott]

Beth,

It becomes better after the bottom.

Both of the boys are counting on you.

You just have to get past it, it is nasty.

Hang in there, and let us know.

Scott

[lucygoo]

Hi Beth...

I know you're having a horrific time right now, but you're getting through it, believe it or not. Not a day goes by that i don't ask myself...how in the hell am I going to survive once Lucy's gone? Having no children of my own, she's my baby. But I know somehow I'll get through it. We all do. I thought the same thing when I lost my parents, but somehow got through it. It's awful, it's nasty, as Scott said, and there's nothing worse. And I think losing a pet is especially painful; and it's not fair, but I can tell you're a strong, terrific lady, and you've got too many counting on you to give up.

Hang in there,

Gina

[frijole]

Beth, Ah girl I wish I could take your pain away. It will be OK with the passing of time. You have been thru a great deal in a short span. You get a pass. Cry, do whatever it takes. And like Scott said, you will find the bottom and then you will use that wonderful energy you have to swim back up to the top to look after those that are still with you. Meanwhile, we understand and are here. Praying and sending you cyber energy. Biggest of hugs, Kim

[Squirt's Mom]

Mornin' my friend,

One more terrible day behind you as you awoke this morning. You made it through that one, and the one before.

Today is a new battle, one that you will fight minute by minute, maybe even second by second. But you don't battle alone; an army of friends surrounds you, holding you up when it's too hard to hold yourself, holding you hand with each step you take, forward or backward.

Tonite, we will put this day behind us, one more down, one more survived.

But for now, this minute is the only one we have and the only one we have to deal with. Do what you need to get through this minute - whatever that takes.

Hugs and love,
Leslie and the girls - always

[corgipallie]

I wish I could take the pain away. I would do anything to.
Leslie is right. This moment is the only thing we know. And the next moment, and the next until a whole day is behind you. And every day will get easier. I write to Pallie every night in a journal-- telling her things that happened that day, expressing how I'm feeling, even telling her about Gypsy and whatever trouble she got in or how well she did in school. I promised Pallie I would live for the both of us. If she couldn't be with me in body, I would absolutely make sure she was with me in all other ways. If I wasn't happy (or trying to be), I knew she couldn't be either. Soul mates work in both directions. I told her there would be a period of grieving, then I would pick my ass up off the floor and get to living for both of us. Yes, there are good days and bad days, but a promise is a promise.

I know you are strong and Bailey would not want you to give up. You never gave up on him before--- and you won't now. He needs you to feel his love so you can get through each day and make the best of what you have. He knows there is going to be many sad days, especially now. But he will always be with you and he will help you get back on your feet again. If you fall, he'll be there to pick you up. That's how soul mates and soul dogs work. He'll never leave or give up on you.
Baby Pallie has something special too -- she knew Bailey and she picked up on some of his behaviors. There is no other dog in the world who has what she has. It's a gift to you--- some of Bailey lives within her -- just as some of Pallie lives in Apollo. I see many things of Pallie in Apollo every day and I embrace it as a blessing.


Remember your darkest hour with dawn still far away.
Remember the way that you longed for morning's light.
And think of yourself as a candle in the night.
Make believe this is the first day, everything all brand new.
Make believe that the sun is your own lucky star, and then understand the kind of gift you are.

I still wish I could take some of your pain away.
(((((((soulhugs))))))

[SasAndYunah]

Dear Beth,

When I lost my Cukie, I curled up on my bed, wrapped myself in Cukie's blanket and sat there. Nothing in this world was right anymore, nothing mattered anymore and I didn't care anymore... I have been sitting in that bed, with Cukie's blanket wrapped around me for days untill I could bring his ashes home. That was sort of the start of healing...because Cukie was back where he belonged, with me.

But the real healing started when something captured my heart. My heart was revived with love for a tiny creature that came into my life, Sogno... That moment, when my heart was touched again, was the moment my life started again. My strength returned, smiles appeared on my face again and I would even catch myself singing again :) It didn't stop the pain over loosing my Cukie but it brought me love and smiles again, beside the pain. And that made the pain more bareable...

And eventhough it doesn't feel like it now, eventhough you feel like you have nothing left to give or to fight for, eventhough nothing in this life makes sense anymore or seems to be right...the day will come when something or someone will unexpectedly fill that gap in your heart and you will rise again...

And untill that time, you do not have to tell us jokes or be positive... Be you, with all your pain, grief and feeling so lost. That's where you are now and we understand. For now we will support you, console you, strenghten you to the best of our abilities....till the day comes you will tell us about something special that has happened to you, and we will all smile together :)

But for now and for every day after today, we all be here for you and for each other...

Big hugs,

Saskia and Yunah.

[gpgscott]

Beth,

Sask is right.

You don't have to go out and find a new one right away, but your legacy to the boy's is to honor the boy's. This may be by taking in more pups or otherwise.

So, for me right now; I say come and go as you please. Grieve for, and with us. We are all grieveing for you right now.

No demands. Just know we are all here, and we are many.

Scott

[maggiebeagle]

All of us wish we could do something to help you directly but that just isn't possible. I've found a local Basset rescue and I plan to make a donation to honor the bond between you and Bailey and Scooter. Every pup deserves the chance to have a great Mom like you.

[forscooter]

Virginia, you made me cry....but instead of sad tears..happy ones. What a beautiful thing to do! I would love that! I can think of no better way to honor the boys then to do the same...and I think I will! So thank you!

I am not sure, and I know I have said this before, I would take in another...I'm not sure my heart can take it anymore, but I do want to get involved more in rescue and was even speaking to my sister a few months back about maybe doing foster work after Bailey passed. Of course, I am nowhere near ready right now for this but it is something I do have tucked away for the future....especially for senior dogs that no one really wants. They always break my heart the most. Bailey was too old and set in his ways to ever allow it...but Baby Pallie loves anything furry. It's the humans she is terrified of...

Steph, I came to tell you that yes, you are right. The interesting thing is that before Bailey passed, and as Baby Pallie grew, and grows, my friend and I remarked how she actually does some of the same quirky things as both Bailey and Scooter. Although she never knew Scooter, perhaps she knew him through Bailey. They are odd little things...but things that were unique to each boy. So, yes this makes perfect sense that Bailey, and even Scoobie, remains here with me through her. And it gives me peace to think that way...

and I am eating my own words...as I have said so many times that if you cannot hold love, how can it be contained...how can a physical body hold it then? So how can love stop it? It can't...it just can't....

and if Bailey is in my soul, which he is, then he is never further than my own heart...

It was another horrible, long day but I tried very hard to force myself to feel better....I hate feeling down bc it just isn't me, I don't like it...I had a brief moment where I could manage a smile and a conversation, it's just it all seems so forced right now. I know Bailey wouldn't want me to be sad, he always got sad if I was sad...and that wasn't Bailey...he was happy, and smiling, and bright...

so I came home and I threw myself on the floor with Baby Pallie and Allo, gave them both lots of love, got full of dog and cat hair in my work clothes (like I even care) and played...and then Baby Pallie started to cry looking for Bailey and my heart sank again. It's like it's bad enough how I feel...and then my heart breaks for them... neither of them are "right" yet either...so I hurt for me, I hurt for them, I hurt for my son who is trying to be the one taking care of me...so the pain is quadrupled....

And before I hog the whole forum, I will end now by saying that all your posts, everyone of you, and I mean this truly, help me. So please, it isn't that I don't want to respond to you each individually, it's just I would take the whole forum up.

I am going to try as hard as I can to think about Bailey still being here...in me, in Baby Pallie, and even in Allo...and try to think of all the good things he gave and left me and still gives me...bc you are right, that is what he would want me to do...and I will try.

Thank you all from my heart....thank you....
Love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

You are going to be okay. You've just taken a giant step forward in the healing process. Everyday will be a little better from now on for all of you.

[Casey's Mom]

Thank you for posting Beth, I was worried about you - I can just imagine you getting fur all over your work clothes! Pallie may be crying for you, not Bailey. Although I am sure she misses him I think she knows your heart is breaking and wants to make it better.

Love and many hugs,

[sunimist]

Baby steps Bethy dear. You don't have to rush it. As has been said...1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.

More big (((hugs)) and continuing love.

Shelba

[ladysmom06]

Dear Beth,

Thinking of you and sending tons of love and hugs.

[forscooter]

Hi....No, not rushing it....woke up this morning just as sad as I have been...just trying to reframe things in my head. Work is closed bc of the weather so I am staying to myself today, working in the house, and feeling as I feel. I miss him so much, so so much...every day is like the ones before...
Love and hugs, Beth

[labblab]

Hi Beth,

Just checking in to see whether you guys are still house-bound? Staying home right now is probably a double-edged sword. It sounds like a relief to just be by yourself without any demands made of you. But at the same time, there's probably no single place where you miss Bailey more than in the home that you two shared...

How is baby Pallie doing with the snow????

Marianne

[forscooter]

Marianne,

Thank you...after much and then much more shoveling I finally broke through the wall of snow. I did get out for a little while. Being in the house, you are right, is both a curse and a blessing...and I was off again today. Being home without him, without his physical self, is very painful. It comes in stabs now, the constant pain is starting to lift a little, but I get caught in these "moments"....and then I fall apart. Today is the first day, so far, I haven't cried. I woke up this morning curled up with Baby Pallie and Allo and just stayed there for the longest time. I hate feeding them in the morning, not bc I don't want them to eat, but bc there is one less bowl to fill. It amazes me too though how much less water I am refilling...

However, I refinished some kitchen cabinets and that helped. I either clean or do a project to keep myself occupied and also work out the emotions. It's just what I do. Like my mom. So, in some ways bc I could do the physical work it helped me to work out some of what I was feeling, if this makes sense.

I am more at peace with the decision, and I know it was the right thing to do. It is the physical absence that still haunts me so. I don't think this house will ever feel "right"....it just is so empty without him...no matter how much noise I make with Baby Pallie...it just isn't the same.

I kept going in circles of "maybe I should have...." but then I am reminding myself of the reality of the situation. I spent a lot of time looking at pics just as recently as 2006-7 and I saw what a change happened over that relatively short period of time...and then I compare last year to ones taken right before he died...he looked like he aged 50 years. It caught me.

After he passed and I kissed him and petted him I felt how little of him there was left compared to what he was....he was always such a muscular, big basset and had turned into almost nothing in comparison. So I think of these things and it helps, and a friend helped point out the reality of his current situation and that helped a great deal...

but this house and my heart long for him so much...I don't know if this one is ever going to really heal....

Much love and many hugs, Beth

[gpgscott]

I don't know if this one is ever going to really heal....

Much love and many hugs, Beth

Probably won't, and I don't think that is all bad.

We all have scars, no need to hide them, but you do have to get used to them.

So, Bailey is now one of your's. And also mine, and many others in a manner.

You can't have him back like before, you know it and it is very painful.

But, he will have you back and is now without pain.

So, you both get each other. Sounds good to me:)

Peace, Beth. Scott

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

I'm glad you're feeling more at peace now. Continue taking one day at at time and one baby step at a time. It really does help when you keep yourself busy doing things.

Big hugs.

[labblab]

Hey girl,

Just checking in again this morning, as you have been on my mind. It is amazing, isn't it, how the whole rhythm of our lives can be centered on such simple things as putting out food bowls, and filling up water dishes, and potty breaks, and medication routines... All these simple things that we do without even thinking about them. And then suddenly when there is a shift, EVERYTHING in our lives seems out of balance. :(

I was especially struck by reading about the changes in Bailey. It reminded me so much of our last days with Barkis. However, I am glad that your realizations about Bailey's decline may be helping with the acceptance of your decision. I am such an endorser of trusting our hearts, but this is one way in which I think that our heads can help us to thread our way through our guilt and regret.

We were thrilled to receive several inches of snow last night, and as I watched the girls run and race and play (even to the point of running into me and knocking me over :eek:), I thought to myself -- now THIS is such a dogworthy evening for a Lab!!!! And even while thinking that, I stood by the little maple tree that we planted in memory of Barkis. And I wished so much that he was physically with us and still able to romp, too...

Big hugs to you, as always ~
Marianne

[forscooter]

It is "funny", isn't it, how everything goes off-kilter? I feel still like my life is so off-balance that it is hard to face and push through these days sometimes. I do...but it's very hard.

I can't tell you how many times I go to refill the water bowl and realize, it is still mostly full...or I go to give a treat and realize Baby Pallie and Allo don't want one yet...it makes me take pause not only to think about Bailey being gone, but how much Cushing's changed things. How not well he was...and how not well Scooter was. I keep thinking Baby Pallie isn't eating enough, not drinking enough, not going out enough....how the cursed symptoms of Cushing's over time became "normal". And how sick my boys must have really felt when things weren't well-controlled.

Although I never stopped treating Scoobie's, I realize now how at the end with both, the treatment became a compromise with the other things going wrong. Please don't get me wrong because I would treat both of them all over again...I truly do believe it gave them so much more time and made things so much better. But in the very end, it became a catch-22 for both of them.

I thought about your story with the snow...and we are under about 21/2 feet of it here....and most of it is now ice blocks...and how Baby Pallie can navigate easily over the top of it, but Bailey would have been stuck in the area I could clear out. How both boys used to run to the back door with these big snowballs covering both their black noses...how much they loved it...how much they couldn't love it anymore. What was once a blessing became a burden...

And are you OK after getting knocked over????

I forgot about Barkis' tree. I am so glad you mentioned it again. Once we have a thaw I would like to do something like that for the boys. They loved being outside with me in the spring and summer and fall and I think that will help when I spend so much time out there to see something living that is there growing just for them.

I am doing up and down....some days I seem to be able to not hurt quite as much and then other days it comes crushing down on me. Today so far is not one of the better days. The house is maddeningly quiet...too quiet...and Sunday mornings were often spent for belly rubs and cookies.

I have to post some pics of the boys when they were younger this week. I have some on the other computer. I would like you all to see them when they were healthy and young. It helps me realize and remember the better times and I want their story here to be complete.

Thank you so much again....
Lots of love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

It's so good to hear from you. You are always in my thoughts. It's totally understandable that you have your up and down days.

I think your idea about having something living and growing for them is wonderful. This will be a living memorial to them.

Please take care. I'll be looking for the pictures.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hey Beth,

You are doing so great, honey! These observations and realizations you are having is part of the healing process; it lets us see that our decision was the right one to make - that any other would not have been fair to our sweet babies no matter how painful it is for us.

I know the Bad Boys are having a field day across The Bridge and are happy that you are beginning to find some small bit of peace. They love you dearly and want nothing more than for you to be as happy as you possible can. That's what we all want for you.

Many, many hugs,
Leslie and the girls - always

[forscooter]

Thank you, Terri and Leslie...I posted some pics of the bad boys in younger, healthier days...it helped me to see the changes as the time progressed. I was talking to my friend yesterday and she was remarking how when you look at them, you really see how in the end they aged so quickly...you see the difference. I took pics of Bailey that last day and it almost made me sick. Something about a picture reflecting back what you don't see in person. He just looked so tired...so old...so unhappy. Those I won't post.

I want to remember the boys as they were....in their prime.

An odd thing happened this morning, I woke up at 5am and was just lying in bed. I swear I heard Bailey scratching to go out the back door. I know I heard it. He always had this very distinctive scratch as he dragged his foot down the door. I could tell the difference even from Scoobie. Baby Pallie and Allo were in bed with me. So, I related this story to my friend who helped take such good care of the boys when i couldn't and was with them from the moment I got both of them. She said her bedroom light turned on at the exact same time all by itself!

I get more used to the decision each day...the pain keeps rolling round and round and still sometimes takes me right off my feet. Yesterday I wondered if I really will ever feel "right" again...

Much love to all of you...and many hugs, Beth, and her two guardian angels

[corgipallie]

Beth, you are doing great. You're coming here and sharing with us.

I was paranoid (still kinda am) months and months after Pallie passed, especially after I got Gypsy. Her urine is dark and concentrated. She doesn't drink a lot. She doesn't pee a lot. Apollo throws up bile in the middle of the night sometimes. Both had blood work and trips to the vet and are perfectly healthy. What does that mean? What is that supposed to feel like? Pallie started having UTI and bladder stone issues when she was 2. That's 10 years of not having a healthy dog. I don't know how to live with a healthy dog! I'm still adjusting!

Then when Gypsy had a bad GI reaction to the NSAIDs she got with her spay, got colitis, and had to go on Flagyl for a week, I freaked out. I really was freaking out. I really didn't want her to take Flagyl. When Pallie took it, she stopped eating because it changed the way things tasted. It was the beginning of her home-cooked meals. It cured her UTI but at a cost. She started eating her regular food about 2 weeks after Flagyl ended but of course another UTI was just around the corner. So when Gypsy was put on Flagyl, I tried every way to talk Dr. T into not giving it to her. All my sad memories came back from the time Pallie was on Flagyl. Of course Gypsy was fine, the Flagyl worked perfectly and she's as good as new and hasn't had any problems since.

So I know what you're going through. You will feel right again, but it's a different kind of right. It's the new right with the love that Bailey has given you and that you will carry with you forever. It's a peaceful right. It will happen. Not today. Maybe not for months. But it will happen.

[fivebichons]

Hi Sweet Pea,

We are getting our turn with snow lately, this evening as well. I love the flurries. They just don't last long enough. Wish I were out in my old jacuzzi up in Michigan with Friskie sitting by my side. She always looked like she was ready to hop in!

All our babies leave a hole in our heart. We just have to take our own time to make our own special place for them in our heart and let ourselves heal. You will hear them for a time. I always called Friskie when only Snicky was still there. Now Snicky is gone as well.

Remember, the Bad Boys are watching you. How do you want them to see you? Hmmm Think about that. I know I have my moments too, but Friskie, Lucky, Cheri and Snicky know that I love them with all my heart...even now. Scoobie and Bailey know you do as well.

Lots of love,
Heidi
Marco, Sophie and Sasha (...the thief)

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

Just checking on you to see how you're doing. I hope each day is getting a little better for you.

I love the pictures in your album. These have such fond memories.

Take care.

[forscooter]

Hi Terri,

Thanks for checking in! I am getting into trouble...I just posted a new thread under EE, "oops I did it again"...but that is that and I wanted to post about Bailey here...

I am still really struggling...getting a little better but my heart hurts just as much. I can just distract myself more. But in those quiet moments, in those catch you off guard times, when I come home or wake up, I long for my boy...I still miss him so very much.

I haven't slept right in a few nights. Last night was the worst. I swear to you I hear him scratching at my back door, and last night he was crying...I heard him moving around my house...and I laid there and cried and felt so sick to my stomach bc I thought no, it's just your mind playing games..he is gone. Because I almost get up to look! It's awful. All I want really is to have him back with me. I would do anything, give anything, and I can't seem to shake that feeling.

I am trying to get back into thinking about other things, got myself in trouble with a new addition, and yet my heart still hurts so....

I think I am going crazy...I can hear him all over this house in the stillness of the night...I wish so much he was still right here by my side...and Scoobie Doo too...they were the pair that will never be duplicated, and life will never be the same...

Love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

You're not going crazy. I understand about hearing sounds and feeling that he is still there. He will always be there with you. They both will.

The pain will eventually ease up, but your love for them will remain.

Take one day at a time.

[forscooter]

Thank you, Terri! Sometimes I have my doubts about my sanity...

I ordered two rose bushes today to plant when the snow melts, "Heave on Earth" along with two basset statues to put next to them...

My Bad Boys will have a special place in the yard they loved so much...

Love and hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

This is so wonderful and beautiful, Beth. What a great tribute to your Bad Boys.

[Casey's Mom]

Love your tribute Beth - take your time to heal and do whatever feels right for you - trust your instincts.

Love and many hugs,

[fivebichons]

Hi Sweet Pea,

Your Bad Boys will always be your bad boys FOREVER. That will never ever change. They will always be in your heart. The pain of losing them will diminish in time. However, that place in your heart that was put there for them will forever be there. No one can change that. A marguerita from time to time may help though.

My Friskie was a bad girl too. She could have been Emma Peel or Lara Croft....or worse, I fear. She was the ultimate bad girl and she did it with style. She would even peel back the foil wrappers on the individual Reece's Christmas chocolates and only eat the chocolate and give me that "I didn't do it" look! I'm the one that had THE LOOK as I can't imagine how she got them off the table with the chairs pushed in! First Puppy Mom lesson learned. Bichons can disguise themselves as fuzzy long snakes.

I am so glad you bought the rose bushes as a tribute. That is so beautiful. Send me that photo when you get a chance.

Lots of love,
Heidi & Robin
Marco, Sophie & Sasha (and soon Sasha's mama Maggie too)
...and Friskie, Lucky, Cheri and Snicky from Heaven...

[forscooter]

Thank you all! I had such a bad time last night...in the mail yesterday was the card from the vet with Bailey's pawprint and a snippet of his fur. The vet wrote a beautiful note about how he will miss the "grumpy old man with the soft long ears..." and how I did everything I possibly could, should have no guilt, and I spared him from come very unpleasant episodes...

but still...

still, my heart hurts so...even amongst the chaos and the smiles with Baby Pallie and Cayden playing...I feel like I have this huge crack in my heart...and I just sobbed...I miss my grumpy old man with the long soft ears too...and Friday night I had such a hard time bc having Cayden here with Pallie seemed to MAGNIFY the loss...and then I missed both my boys...it just made it sink in that this house will never ever be the same...and either will my heart...

I don't know if I will ever heal from this truly, completely...I still cry every night...I still wonder...I just don't know how it will ever feel better, even if I can take some happiness in the new clan...I miss my Bad Boys...I miss my soulboy...

So on the surface I seem to be moving along, but deep in my heart, I am struggling so much, hurting so much, that I don't know if it will ever really go away...

but I keep trying...

Love ya, Beth

[littleone1]

My heart goes out to you, Beth. I know the heartaches never really go away, but somehow we do manage to get through it. The passing of time does help to ease our pain.

I'm always availabe if you need to talk.

[labblab]

Dear Beth,

I'm so sorry that I have not been available to write as often as I would have wished over the last few days, but I have been following all of your posts as well as your introduction of Cayden into your family!! And I can only imagine the powerful feelings that resurfaced upon receiving the card from your vet. Your heart is still so tender.

This remains such a trite thing to say, but please do not expect too much of yourself too quickly. And that includes being able to form a deep bond yet with either Pallie or Cayden. That will take time. Being the sensitive and loving mom that you are -- of course you are already caring for them both in a loving way. And the bond will blossom and grow. It always does!! But it will take time for both your grief to ebb, as well as for the new bond to flourish.

In the meantime, simple distraction can be a good thing! And nothing provides more mental and physical distraction than having two healthy, rambunctious pups around the house :eek:. So hang in there, kiddo. Although the pain still seems unbearable at times, you will make it through. And with each passing day, Baby Pallie and Cayden will continue to reveal the lessons that THEY have been sent to teach you (and us all). And by doing so, they will gain entrance to totally new places in your heart.

Tons of (((hugs))),
Marianne

[forscooter]

Thank you, Terri...for always being here for me...

and Marianne, yes that is exactly how I feel...I am (almost, LOL) loving this time with Cayden and Baby Pallie and at the same time I am hurting so much. I came home with Cayden and I got so very anxious over that magnification of the loss of the boys...but things are calming down in my head now with that part.

It strikes me at odd times, and every day throughout the day, that there really will never be two boys quite like my Bad Boys...and Cayden and Baby Pallie each bring their own unique selves to my life and heart and that too will grow in time...and their relationship is so very different with each other, which is a good thing!.....but still...the Bad Boys will always have their special place...and I can barely even think it has been three weeks since I lost Bailey....it feels like a lifetime since I got to hold him and stroke his ears...and yet, it feels like yesterday bc the pain can come on so quickly and intensely still...

it is snowing yet again here and I was standing outside of work taking a break and looking at the trees, and in the middle of the group of trees I swear I saw a misty figure...running...and I thought of the poem you always posted...."Who but I..." and although a smile came across my face, my heart sank as I wanted to reach out and say, "Go...go run...run and let your ears flap and your lips fly back...run and stretch your long body out as far as it can go...run and catch the snow and not hurt...."

I'll take the pain if he is free, running, and feeling the wind against his face...and somehow, I know he still runs to me when I need him the most....I just wish I could hold him that "one more time"....

Lots of love and many hugs, Beth

[littleone1]

Hi Beth,

You are so very welcome.

Trust in your instincts that Bailey is now running free, his ears are flopping in the wind and he is enjoying the snow.

I know there can never be any true replacements, but there is always room in our hearts and love to share with others.

I'm glad that things are working out with Houdini and Baby Pallie.:) I'm also very glad that you're doing better.

Luv and special big hugs.

Terri and Corky