iatrogenic Calcinosis Cutis - Severe Condition (Andy crossed The Bridge 6/08)

[andysmom]

I just joined this forum last week. Andy has Calcinosis Cutis (CC) d/t Dexamethasone use. He also has Degenerative Myelopathy (DM). He was put on the low dose dexa. last year as a last resort to helping with his severe inflammatory condition when nothing else worked and even Cephalexin no longer worked. The results were far better than expected. The Dexa. cleared up the inflammatory process and also helped him regain some disability he had from the DM. We enjoyed a full and fun summer.

Sept. 2010, Andy had surgery on his R. Rear Paw. It took a while for that to heal, longer than normal. But before and after surgery, he was removed from the Dexa. Also the doc wanted to see him fully off of it to reevaluate his inflammatory problem. Much to our disappointment Andy's allergies were so bad again that we put him back on the low dose Dexa.

Oct 2010, Degenerative Myelopathy (DM) Forum, posted the question: "Quality of Life Question: Should I give Andy the steroid Dexamethasone knowing it could shorten his life but provide him with a good Quality of Life that he doesn't have now?" The answers were an overwhelming response to choose steroid treatment to provide a Quality of Life. Feeling reassured we put Andy back on the steroid and everything got better again.

Mid Mar 2011, Andy just didn't seem right to me. Nothing I could say but by end of Mar he started a wound on his nose that was a problem.

End of March 2011, Vet gave Cipro for nose.

Mid April 2011, back for a recheck. The Vet refers me to another because of the seriousness of it.

Late April 2011, referral Vet throws his hands up and says it's out of his expertise. Now we need to see the Dermatologist. Andy had saw this Dermatologist when he was having Allergy testing and treatment. Great Doc.

Dermatologist Appt May 5th 2011. Seeing Dermatologist. By then I was really concerned because in addition to his nose, a tiny bump broke open on his back. I figured Andy might need antifungals or something like that. The Dermatologist said Andy has CC d/t steroid use. Ok, so we have to take him slowly off the steroids. That didn't seem too bad. Then he precedes to explain the severity of his condition. So we went home with antibiotics, antifungals, pain medication, shampoo, and treatment instr. I still didn't have a real clue what all this meant.

1st week after appt., with the Dermatologist, Andy developed these huge growths on top of his neck which were weeping copious amounts of fluid. That's when the Dermatologist explained everything.

2nd week after appt., now over his shoulders and hard skin areas begin. I'm told there's no treatment. We have to get him off the steroids, which we were doing.

3rd week after appt., Andy began losing hair down his back along with these same mounds. I saw Andys skin getting real lumpy from the calcium deposits. Seemed everything on him was inflamed. He lost his energy, alertness, and interest in almost everything. He acts odd. We had a recheck with the Dermatologist who shaved the remaining hair off his back and other areas that had were weeping really bad. Nothing seems to be slowing down this process.

4th week after appt.., June 2, Recheck with Dermatologist. Andy was involved all the way to his anus and tail. His head is now nearly all involved. He doesn't look like my dog. The calcium deposits have closed over his right eye, so he can't see out of it. His right ear is so swollen shut he can't hear out of it. Sides of his face are hard. Of course there's a lot of infected areas that aren't healing. I'm doing all I can do to help Andy but it just doesn't seem enough.

June 5th 2011, he is eating, drinking, pee, potty, but is having a lot of muscle wasting despite 6 lb weight gain. On special high protein cooked diet. The prognosis is POOR. His condition is serious but stable. Even if we get him off the steroids in time, we may face the fact that the Adrenals don't start functioning, that's Addison's Crisis then. And, we'll again face the severe inflammatory problem and Degenerative Myelopathy. I find my self saying it's not right to have him continue. My other side argues that he is still Andy and has life in him.

Today I realized the life I refer to is his abilities to eat, poop, drink, walk a very small amount. He is not happy anymore. I know no one can make a decision for me, but I'd love to hear others comments, suggestions, encouragement if appropriate, on the situation. No dog should have to go through this. Pics will only be posted if requested.

With lots of love for my boy Andy, 10yro Choco. Labrador Retriever

Thank you for providing a forum where we can get our story down on paper, have support, etc. Andysmom

[littleone1]

Corky and I want to welcome you and Andy.

I'm so sorry that Andy is having such a rough time.

I don't have any experience with these issues, but our members have a wealth of knowledge, and are very caring and supportive. I'm sure others will be along that might have more knowledge with these issues.

Terri

[labblab]

Dear Andysmom,

I, too, am so very sorry for your boy's multiple problems. Although Calcinosis Cutis is not a common condition, we have had a few members whose Cushpups have been afflicted and treated. And fortunately, some of those with success. As a matter of fact, here is a recent thread posted by another member whose dog is currently undergoing treatment:

http://www.k9cushings.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3387

I do have to be honest with you, though, and tell you that for a case as severe as Andy's, I do not feel optimistic. Particularly because, as you already know, the really difficult aspect of his condition is that it appears as though he will suffer from such painful issues no matter whether his steroid treatment is continued or stopped. So you are really caught between a rock and a hard place.

I am very sorry not to be able to offer you more encouragement. What are your dermatologist's thoughts at this point? Does he think that it is in Andy's best interest to proceed?

The gift of a forum like this is that you will have the opportunity to gather differing thoughts from a number of people. And others may have some additional suggestions to offer to you. But from the way in which you have described Andy's poor body, I am thinking that the greatest gift that you may be able to give him at this point is release. I am so sorry to say this. And please know that whatever you decide, we'll be here to give you as much help and support as we possibly can.

I am really grateful that you have found your way to us,
Marianne

[andysmom]

Thank you for reading Andy's story. And I appreciate your honesty which is what I'm looking for. Dogs don't die from this, they die from secondary infections. But the calcium deposits can also be so severe that they can prevent simple movement. Andy has 1 eye covered up right now so he can't see. His face continues to disfigure.

He's wearing an E Collar now because of the infections on his head. Dogs have a hard enough time getting around with those anyway and with Andy blind in right eye, he's running into everything. I find all this upsetting. I'm afraid he won't get enough water because of the neck stiffness and him being too tired to try. I have it up so he can stick his head down in it. That worked really good last time. I'll hold it in my hands if necessary.

The Vet says he has only seen one other case worse than Andy in his "whole career" and that is one he's treating now. He has been treating that dog for over 2 years fighting infections and so forth. He says the dogs calcinosis cutis has never resolved. This can be physically debilitating. Some owners just can't let go. I don't want Andy to suffer nor do I want our companionship to end anytime soon. I love my boy more than any other relationship.

But Dr. Thomas said to me at our visit this past Thursday, "I will work with Andy as long as you want me to. I will never tell you when to quit. But it will get to a point where going further may not be feasible".

Calcinosis cutis caused by steroid use has NO treatment. I'd be beside myself if Andy had the type that could be treated. The way to stop this from progressing is to be completely off the steroid, if we make it that far and infections don't take him first. Because of the rapid and severe nature we are dealing with we can only hold our breath and wait and see what happens at that point. Goal date June 25th.

Andysmom

[labblab]

Has your vet discussed the possibility of using DMSO to aid in controlling the calcium deposits? I'm afraid I don't know any specifics, but you will find reference made to DMSO in Diva's link that I posted above.

And do you mean that June 25th is the date by which you hope to have ceased all steroid use? I know this will be a tight-rope walk for you, hoping that Andy's other inflammatory issues do not flare during the steroid taper...:(

Marianne

[andysmom]

Will look into the DMSO and ask Vet too.

Yes, the steroid will be completely out of his system by June 25th. And so we wait hoping all goes well till then.

[lulusmom]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Let me just say that I am so terribly sorry that Andy is having to deal with so, so much. I am also sorry that you are facing a decision that is the most selfless and gut wrenching you'll ever have to make. I've never had two legged children so my dogs are my children...they are my life and I'd take a bullet for any one of them. I can tell you right now that my love for them and my inability to fathom life without them clouds my judgment, which is why I've needed my vet to help me let go of my babies over the years. It saddens me that you don't seem to have a vet who is willing to do that for you. To assure you that he will never give up and will continue to do whatever you want him to do is simply not right. As a veterinarian he took an oath to relieve animal suffering, not prolong it because a pet owner cannot let go.

I reread your post a number of times and failed to keep a dry eye every time. My heart hurts for your boy and based on what you have written, I can't imagine that his quality of life is remotely good or happy. My tears are not just for Andy but for my own dog, Jojo, whose quality of life is deteriorating. He still eats and poops but little else remains of his once happy life with me. I assess his quality of life on a daily basis and on his worst day, I don't think my description of his physical state will ever be as dire as Andy's is right now. :(:(:(

You have laid everything out on the table for us, no candy coating, no soft pedaling. You have painted a dismal picture of a dog whose prognosis is poor and, in your own words is not happy and finds himself in a situation that no dog should have to endure. You admit that you are doing everything you can to help Andy but it isn't enough; you admit that you look at him and feel that it's not right to have him continue and you are aware that taking him off of steroids will most probably opens him up to the agony of infection and debilitating progression of DM. This in itself tears my heart out but to make matters worse, I know that if Andy is like every other dog we've seen with CC, if he ever sees relief from this CC, it will be a very long time and chances are that he will most likely be totally debilitated by his other conditions before that happens.

Peeing, drinking and pooping are all things we with cushdogs can relate to because all of these things go into overdrive on steroids. Is it possible that this is still driving Andy's ability to perform these bodily functions? Even when steroids are a non issue, I believe that quality of life is much more than the ability to perform bodily functions that keep us alive.

You came here soliciting opinions, so I'm going to give you mine. I don't ever recall a member describing their dog as being in such a horrid state as Andy. My heart breaks for you because I know how devastated you are to have to watch your baby be in so much pain; however, my heart is shattered for Andy. It is not my intention to diminish any hope you may have for Andy's ability to regain a good quality of life but I hope you can understand how vidid a picture you have painted. To get an idea of how I felt reading your post, perhaps you could reread your post and for a moment, pretend that Andy is not the dog involved. Would you believe that dog's quality of life is good and that with such a poor prognosis that it will ever get better?

Since your derm vet has assured you that he will be taking his cue from you rather than Andy's well being, perhaps you might want to consider asking your gp vet or another veterinary professional you trust to advocate for Andy. Ask him/her to speak in Andy's best interest and to be brutally honest with you. Ask him what s/he would do if Andy was his/her dog, given Andy's apparent discomfort and poor prognosis.

[addy]

My heart breaks for you and Andy. I will say prayers that you find your way for Andy's sake and for your own.

I don't know that any of us could say for certainty what we would do if we were walking in your shoes. I do believe in quality of life verses just existing. I don't know that a dog's very essence of being can last long, just existing. Yet we all hope maybe if there were just a chance. But at what cost is that chance?

Praying for you and sweet, sweet Andy.

Love,
Addy

[Cindy Thoman]

Dear andysmom, your post is one of the saddest I have read. My heart breaks for you and Andy. I am not familiar with his disease, but it sounds like he is suffering. Only you can make the final decision and we support whatever you decide. Maybe it is a blessing that you found this site so that you can feel at peace if you decide to let him go. All I can say is that I think if he were my dog I would make the decision to let him go. I have read your post several times and cry each time, I am just so sorry for the position you are in. I will be praying for you and Andy that you are able to decide what to do for him.

xoxo,
Cindy, Alex and Bear

[SasAndYunah]

Dear mom of Andy,

After reading your post, I was very impressed. Impressed by the difficult road Andy and you had to travel and especially impressed by your honesty in describing the road you and Andy have traveled so far, your honesty in telling us about your doubts and fears and the questions you have to strugle with...

And of course, we don't know Andy (but I honestly can say that I already know for certain that his story will stay with me for the rest of my life) and therefore it's hard to comment but in a more general way, I can share my thoughts and feelings with you.

I only lost one dog to "old age" at the age of 16. Another dog I had to let go due to several serious healthconditions when he was barely 5 years old and another dog I had to let go when he was only 18 months old...due to severe pain. It has always been my personal believe that when a dog no longer has a "dog worthy" life, we should let them go. During their entire lifetime, long or short, they are there for us. They makes us smile and laugh, they console us, lift our spirits, they are our constant companion and loyal friend during difficult times in our lives... So to me, it's my duty even to be there for them when their life gets difficult. It's my duty to them to do everything in my power to end their suffering or pain...with treatments, medications, therapy...anything. But when none of those offer a permanent improvement of their life, it's my duty to decide for them that enough has been enough. They have been there for me, their entire life, now I have to be there for them...at the end of their life and to make sure the final part of their life, wasn't one of unneccesary suffering. They never let us suffer....at the contratry, all they try to do is trying to make it better for us. We owe them the exact same thing and nothing less... But that's just my personal believe.

Wishing you and Andy all our best and strength,

Saskia and Yunah.

[andysmom]

At your suggestion I reread my post. It tells I already know that it's time. Forever hopeful, but in no way wanting Andy to suffer. I started Andy on Tramadol at second week BEFORE the Vet. I was taken aback that he hadn't already prescribed it. I did feel a loss when the vet said he would "continue" as long as I wanted. As I wanted? what was that? I felt he was very uncaring. These things I didn't know about him before.

I really needed and had prodded him to give me some kind way I'd know that this wasn't going anywhere. But as I reread my post I knew that this couldn't go on. Even my sister said things to me that I had said to myself. I just hadn't put it all together.

Andy is ready. Am I? :confused:

I'm taking the advice to confer with the family vet tomorrow.

Book titled "A Dog's Purpose." Dog Lover must read. It has been a wonderful escape this past week. It's life from a dogs point of view told by a dog. Very funny. Sad too. You'll agree that's exactly the way our dogs live their lives. I'm not at the end yet. Written by NY Times Best Seller, W. Bruce Cameron. It is my gift to you.

[lulusmom]

Andy is ready. Am I? :confused:

The answer to that question is we are never ready but our hearts will tell us when it's time. Please know that you and Andy are in my prayers. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I'll be with you both in spirit.

Thank you so much for sharing the information on the book. I will definitely pick up a copy.

Hugs,
Glynda

[frijole]

Prayers from my household as well. xoxo Kim

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh honey,

What a terrible place to find your baby in and to find yourself in. :( I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am.

As parents, we are never ready to say "enough" and we all hope that decision will be removed from us. We all pray that they will hear, whispered in their ears, the words, "Come home, my child", and simply fade away peacefully their sleep. To watch them suffer is a burden no one should have to bear...and it is a burden we cannot ask of them.

Our babies give us their all every day of their lives and, unfortunately, we are often asked to be the ones to give them peace. The harder we have fought for them and with them, the harder it is to let go. We grasp at the least little bit of hope, even when it is unrealistic. We think, "maybe this....." or "what if I try.....", wrapping that hope around us, shielding us from the pain we know is waiting.

I think sometimes our babies remain with us long past the time they should simply because they sense how much we need them - they hear those words whispered in their ears only to reply, "I can't come right now. They need me so badly." And so they stay to save us from the anguish for just a little bit longer. Andy may be fighting for you now, just as you have fought for him for so long.

Please know we are here for you and Andy. My tears have been falling since reading your first post, and I know I am not alone. We do understand and we will be by your side regardless.

Sending prayers and healing white light to you and sweet Andy.
Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[andysmom]

Cushdogs should see what this form of Cushings does to your dog.
First posted 6/4/11 under the thread name: Iatrogenic Calcinosis Cutis, read this also. This could happen to your dog.

Please always get a second opinion if your dog is diagnosed with anything. Regardless of how much you may respect your Vet. Had I been able to do that I probably would have changed decision on how I handled what happened go Andy.

My Baby Boy, Andy, went to Rainbow Bridge 6/8/11, just a month after being diagnosed.


In April 2011, I kept thinking something didn't look quite right with Andy's face. I couldn't put my finger on it. No one else saw anything different either. Maybe it's just me, after all Andy was getting old (10).

Calcinosis Cutis is the most disfiguring debilitating form of Cushings. Andy turned into a dog even I could hardly recognize. Andy was diagnosed May 5, 2011. The only thing I could see was a pea size knot on the back of head and nose wound that wasn't healing.

Within a month he was in a bad way. I had to give to him the most selfless gift you can give your dog. He was put to sleep June 8th 2011. A life snatched away in short time.

We had a beautiful funeral for him. I laid out his Service Dog and Therapy Dog Vests. On an easel was a really cute pic of him on his birthday party, hats and all. I read a Eulogy to him. He looked relieve and went to sleep with his head in my lap.

If there are questions about this type of Cushings, I'll do my best to help you.


FAREWELL ANDY

I merged this post with your original thread. In this way everyone can see all of Andy's story in one place.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi,

It is so nice of you to offer to share your experiences with this form of Cushing's. Andy's story is not the usual cush story we see so your input about Iatrogenic Cushing's with calcinosis cutis and how it affected your sweet boy will be much appreciated. I know Andy will be so proud of you for using his illness, and all that you learned about it, to help others. Your love for him continues to shine!

We are here anytime you need to talk about Andy, honey. As much as you want to help others, we are here if you need help on those days when the pain is just too much to bear alone. His thread in the In Loving Memory section will remain open and you can continue to share your memories there for as long as you wish.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[andysmom]

Some time has gone by and I've been able to look back on what happened to Andy. Nobody would have imagined what would happen to him.

I made notes in my Planner about changes I was seeing in Andy, as far back as Late March. I noticed I began staying home all day a lot, but no notation as to why. Because of the non healing area on his nose we went to the Vet Apr 7 2011. I requested a refill of his Dexamethasone. At the pharmacy I was shocked to find she had scripted for 4mg and NOT his usual 0.75mg. I didn't get it filled until I spoke with the Vet about that. She reassured me that she looked it up and for his weight, that was the correct dose.
**Vet increased Andys Dexa. from 0.75 to 4mg**

Apr 7, I gave the 1st dose of 4mg.
Apr 8, Andy loss control of his bladder (never happened before)
Apr 9, I decreased the dose to 3mg (have to titrate steroids)
Apr 10-15 continues to drizzle urine, but I can't reduce dose yet)
Apr 17, Andys best friend does sleepover and seemed happy

Apr 20, Different Vet appt., increased antibiotic, told to stay at 3mg. Suddenly Andy is swaggering a lot in his rear end. I thought this must be the Degenerative Myelopathy he has.

Apr 21, I write "I'm concerned about the change I see with him, more swagger than I've ever seen, sore on nose resistant to antibiotics, sleeps more deeply, very anxious without me.

Apr 24, Easter pics taken of Andy
Apr 25, Vet appt.
Apr 28, Dermatologist appt cancelled, next avail. May 5
Apr 29, He peed in the bed last night.

Still no outward signs of what was to come, except mobility. I attributed the peeing to the higher dose of Dexa. and that was just temporary. Over the next few days, he stays the same.

May 5, the knot on his neck bust open while we were at the Dermatologist appt. I get the devastating news that he has Calcinosis Cutis, Adrenals not working because the steroids was doing the job for them. This 28 days after the huge increase in his steroid, which I was frantically working to reduce. The Vet says he couldn't prove it, but directly attributed this to the sudden major increase in the Dexa. Basically shocking the Adrenals to shut down. The Vet told me Andy was in critical condition. I didn't comprehend what that really meant.

I was extremely angry (and still am) at the Vet that changed his dose. How negligent and stupid could they have been to put Andys life in jeopardy? I go back and forth: should I confront the Vet in hopes this would never happen to another dog or let it go and move on?.

I invite your opinions on confronting the Vet or not. What would you do if this was your beloved companion and confidant?

The rest of Andys story has been told.

**In Andys honor, I'm compiling a paper on Iatrogenic Calcinosis Cutis, inspired by his needless tragedy. I invite anyone with personal experience, professional research or contacts, to email this information to me. This is only for those dogs that are afflicted with this due to STEROID use only. At times I'm away from my computer and may take a few days to reply. Your efforts to help honor Andy are greatly appreciated. I'll do my best to bring this form of CC to greater awareness in hopes others will benefit in some way**.

[Squirt's Mom]

Hi,

You kept great notes! I can only imagine how difficult it was to look back through all of that trying to find out what happened to sweet Andy. :(

I looked up the dosage for dex in dogs and found the following:

http://www.ahc.umn.edu/rar/umnuser/formulary.html

Dexamethasone: all species-

shock-5mg/kg IV bolus,

CNS trauma-2-3 mg/kg IV, then taper to 1 mg/kg SQ TID-QID,

immunosuppression-0.3-0.6 mg/kg PO, IM, SQ SID,

antiinflammatory-0.07-0.2 mg/kg PO, IM, SQ SID.

Corticosteroid. Fairly slow onset of action (up to 6 hours) with 24 hour duration of action.

I didn't see a weight for Andy in your thread but I may have overlooked it. :o Also, I am not sure if your vet was looking from an anti-inflammatory or immunosuppressive view, which would effect the dose. Regardless, jumping up 3.25mg in dose seems like quite a lot to me, a pure layman. I, too, would have been shocked and would have questioned the prescription.

I think now I would call the prescribing vet and just ask how they determined that increase. If it was by weight, had he gained that much since the previous prescription(s)? Are they sure they looked at the right dose for his skin issue and not at the dosing for shock, CNS trauma, etc? Do you have more than one dog and, if so, were they looking at Andy's records? I am sure you have more questions for them, too. And that is where I would start - gathering as much info as I could about the drug, the dosing, the actions/thoughts of the vet who prescribed the huge increase and see what you can learn. Then if it looks as if someone made a mistake, you have the info needed to take action, if you choose.

Unfortunately, I am a crazy old broad who would be apt to do something very costly to me if that happened to Squirt, Trink or Brick - grief and anger would drive me so there would be very little thought before action. :o:eek: So, I think you are wise to be gathering info before acting. ;)

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[labblab]

I, too, am so terribly sorry for your grief over losing Andy. It is hard enough to lose a beloved companion. But when there are unanswered questions left behind to haunt us, the pain is even sharper.

I agree with Leslie that it may be helpful to you if you talk further with the vet who was handling Andy's steroid treatment. It may be the case that you will receive some clarification that may help to answer some of your questions. Nothing can change your pain over losing Andy. But you may end up with greater peace of mind about the course of his treatment.

I say this because I do believe there can be a very wide range in the dosage of steroids that are prescribed for the control of different types of conditions, as Leslie's dosing chart indicates. You have told us that Andy was taking the steroid due to a very serious "inflammatory condition," and that it was also helping to ease his disability from his degenerative myelopathy. You've also noted that you were seeing disturbing changes in Andy prior to the increase in his steroid dose, and that you were staying home more. So perhaps it was the case that your vet felt as though the dosing increase was warranted at that time due to worrisome changes in Andy's inflammatory condition. And even though the increase to four mg. seems like a lot to you, that still could be considered a relatively low dose depending upon the basis for the treatment. For instance, my own labrador has been prescribed up to twenty mg. of prednisone daily for acute allergic flares. Granted, it was for a limited time period. But I just offer that out in terms of perspective. Steroids can be both lifesavers and heartbreakers. They do carry the potential for very serious side effects, but sometimes they provide the only effective treatment that is available for certain conditions.

There can be no question but that you and Andy both suffered terribly from the calcinosis cutis. It was a tragic side effect of his treatment. And I very much appreciate your wish to alert others to the risk. Thankfully, it is not a common one, but that does nothing to ease your own loss or your own pain. But perhaps talking to your original vet may bring you some comfort. Due to Andy's inflammatory and degenerative issues, you were really caught between a rock and a hard place. The hope may have been that the increased dose of steroid would buy Andy a bit more quality time. Sadly, it did not turn out that way. But your vet may be able to provide you with some additional clarification that will answer your questions even though it cannot ease your pain.

Once again, I remain so sorry for the loss of your beloved boy.
Marianne

[andysmom]

Thank you for doing the leg work with the conversions. Despite my good note taking, I've found several big gaps of time that I know we had appt. with Vets. I'll have to get his records before I can piece that part together. After looking at the conversion table, I went on to look at websites with Iatrogenic C.

I have to say I'm horrified at what I've read. I questioned the Vets, especially the Dermotologist who primarily treated (or not) Andy. I'm finding there were gross mistakes and misinformation.

I don't feel very good right now, :confused: I'm questioning how all this happened. How despite all my notes and intensive care could I have let this happen? How did I miss all this information?

I can't write now, my eyes are too teary eyed. The guilt is overwhelming and I'm going to take a break from the forum to step back from what I've learned.

[Squirt's Mom]

Oh, honey, you did nothing wrong, nothing to merit feeling guilty. No matter how much we read or are told by others who have been thru the "same" thing, we are not medical professionals. And when our babies are sick, we have to trust those who are. Hindsight is always perfect but only because we are armed with knowledge of the future - that changes our perspective a great deal.

You did nothing except love your boy and do everything in your power to help him get better. No matter what he faced, you were there with him to fight right by his side. Your love was the most important factor in Andy's care and I know he never lacked for that. Many, many times, that love is all we non-professionals can contribute yet it is the most powerful of medicines so I know you alone gave Andy more timGrieve than anything else could have. Time filled with happiness and security. There is nothing more important that you could have possibly done and that leaves no room for guilt.

Grieve, reach out to help others, get angry if it helps - but no guilt, honey. The loss is hard enough to bear without the added burden of undeserved guilt...I know....

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[andysmom]

Thank you. I think I'm finally to the point where I'm willing to feel the pain of loss. Until now I haven't looked at this with my emotions on my sleeve.

Because of all the kind words and encouragement I've received from the members, I feel I'm in a place that understands what I'm going thru, maybe even better than I know. So far I've described and felt surgically what happened, unable to face my emotions. I'm beginning to feel I don't have to back away because I have the safety net here.

Truly, for the first time I'm willing to experience my emotions and begin working thru them. Compiling data about IC and writing Andys story is my way of telling Andy that what he went thru matters.

It's a good thing.

[Squirt's Mom]

Those emotions will lead you to a place where you can truly begin to heal. The anguish is part of the journey and the deepest portion of that valley, so from there you can start to rise toward acceptance. Guilt's job is to keep us in that valley and prevent us from climbing above it....and I can tell you, it can drag us back down even when we have crested the mountain.

Your love for Andy gives you every right to feel these tough, draining emotions for without that love, there would be no pain. The more we love, the greater the potential for pain but the pain is never the greater of the two - love always wins out and, with time, will bring you joy in your memories. The depth of these emotions is simply an expression of the depth of your love for Andy.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, speaks of sorrow as drilling a well in our souls. The deeper our sorrow, the deeper the well. As sorrow recedes, we find the well it left behind is now capable of holding more joy, more compassion, more empathy.

Honey, you are safe here; your emotions are safe here; your memories are safe here. You do not walk through this valley alone. We are here anytime, if it is only to listen. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Andy is right beside you, too. He knows that one day you will see him there and know that he is alright now, healthy, free from pain, and still loving you as always.

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[littleone1]

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[andysmom]

Thank you all for your heart felt replies. It truly is comforting to know I'n not alone.

Today I picked up all of Andys medical records related to this problem. It is very reassuring to see in print how hard I fought for Andy all along the way till I was frantic at the end. Since then things got mixed up in my mind and guilt really set in. I guess they'll always be some degree of guilt.

I feel more at peace knowing I did do everything I could to help him.

[andysmom]

Check out Andys photo album, there's lots of cool pics :cool:

PHOTOS (http://k9cushings.com/forum/album.php?albumid=357)

Moderator's Note: I have merged your new posts concerning Andy's pics into Andy's original thread.

[Squirt's Mom]

Those pics are great! Andy was obviously well loved and had a wonderful life full of adventure. He was a big boy, huh? No doubt he was very happy. Thank you so much for sharing these with us!

I hope you are finding more moments of peace as the days pass, more confidence that you really did do all you could for him...in fact, you did much more than many would ever even consider. What a wonderful life he had with you!

Hugs,
Leslie and the gang

[Casey's Mom]

So sorry to read of your loss of Andy. The poor boy, you truly did all that you could and in the end you gave him the most precious gift and freed him of his pain.

Love and hugs,

[andysmom]

Andy passed away 6/08/2011. Thanks for the nice post. Andy is missed by so many. Check out Andys photo album. They're not in the right order and can't change that so scroll down thru them.

Kathy

[MBK]

Dear Kathy -

I am so sorry for your loss. Words seem inadequate but the people here truly understand the attachment we all have with our dogs and we truly share your grief. Andy surely knew he was loved and that you did everything possible for him. I looked at his pictures and he was such a handsome, big guy! And, very clearly loved. Greyson, sure is a cutie, too!

I hope your heart heals so that you remember the good days you shared with Andy.

[Casey's Mom]

Love your photo album of Andy - truly a well loved lucky boy to have you as a mom.

Love and many hugs,