Fritz and me - Helpful article about handling guilt

[caroleh]

This is Carole and I want to post a web site for everyone that is feeling the immense guilt that I am for losing their pet. I try to give my guilt and pain to God but end up snatching it back. Fritz had Cushings and ended up with diabetes. Fritz was a puppy mill dog that came into out lives at 2-3 years old. We had him for 7 years and I feel so quilty that I cheated him out of several years. Fritz was suspected as having Cushings and the local vet checked him but he couldn't see his adrenal glands. In testing him this vet said he thought Fritz was in a grey area so I thought I had some time. Fritz was put on lysogen and I kept him on it for a month when I got a scare as he was also on pheno as well for his seizures so I took him off of it. I also knew he needed to be a wash from the lysogen before putting him on another med. In the interim my hubby lost 20 pounds and as a cancer survivor he had a mulitiude of test coming up to determine the weight loss. I honestly thought I had time down the road to take Fritz to Dallas. And that is why I am so guilt ridden. Fritz got to where he couldn't get up. If he had traction from a rug he was o.k. and I thought he had arthritis so I took him in to the local vet and he didn't think he had arthritis but never mentioned the possibility of diabetes. Fritz's Dallas appointment was a few days later. I feel like such a neglectful mother. I feel so stupid for not thinking about diabetes. I am wondering what is wrong with me for being so stupid. We took Fritz to Dallas and my hubby was sick and had to stay in the car while I took him in. We tried to save Fritz and spent several thousand dollars but it was too late. So for any of you that are beating yourself up as I am please read the following article. Hopefully in my reading it over and over again I can one day forgive myself.

http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/dealing-with-guilty-feelings-when-your-cat-or-dog-dies/

Carole - God bless all of our four legged furries

[labblab]

Dear Carole,

I hope you don't mind, but I've moved your thread here to our special "In Loving Memory" forum. I feel certain that everyone who comes to read and post here will both understand your feelings and very much appreciate your very helpful link. I am so verry sorry for your pain and guilt over losing your beloved Fritz. I know I cannot remove either the pain or guilt, but please know that my heart resonates with you.

At the time that I released my Cushpup, I was overwhelmed with both his health issues and also those of my mom -- she had just suffered a major heart attack at the time that he started declining terribly. I was stressed and exhausted and probably not even thinking very straight. I doubt that I was making great decisions. But at the time, my husband and I believed that ending his suffering was the most loving thing to do. Once he was gone, though, I was stricken with guilt. It was especially hard to hear people say, "Oh, you did everything you could." Because I knew that wasn't true. There was more testing that we could have considered, but we made the decision not to put him through anything more -- no more testing, no more treatment. Could he have been saved had we done so? Or would his suffering just have been prolonged? I will never know for certain. I will always wonder.

However, after a lot of time went by, thankfully my guilt retreated. And I so hope that the same thing happens for you, Carole. I wish I had been able to read your article back then, because I do believe there is much wisdom and comfort there. For me, it is especially this line: "Accept that you made the best decision at the time." For all my guilt, I do believe that much is true. I did the best that I could at that moment. I loved my boy dearly, as you loved your Fritz. Maybe it's true that I would/could have done things differently if I had it to do over again. But I did the best that I could at that moment. And he knew how much I loved him. Of that much I am certain.

Carole, please feel free to continue to come and talk to us about how you are doing. You can share more memories of Fritz, or whatever else is on your mind. It is a journey to arrive at a place of peace. But we are here to walk alongside you.

With many hugs,
Marianne

[caroleh]

Dear Marianne:

Thank you so much for your kindness. You and I have a lot of paralells. And in reading the article that I posted over and over I have found a lot of comfort. Fritz and I just ran out of time and you are so right in saying that we don't know how the treatment would have gone. We are not God and I have to realize that I am powerless over God's final decisions. Our furries have souls, consequently, we will see them again.

Bless you for your comforting words.

Carole

[bkdice]

Carole,

Thank you for sharing the article. Guilt is such a normal feeling while grieving. We second guess our choices and beat ourselves up over what we 'didn't do'. It takes time to come to peace with the decisions we made. What I find makes it so difficult, is not knowing if I made the right choices or not, and never having any way to know for sure. It's easy to focus on how you might have been able to lengthen his life. What you forget to factor in is that it is possible you could not have bought him any more time. It is possible you might have even shortened his life by going another route. You just never know.

However, you do know how much you loved him and how hard you tried. I hope peace finds it's way into your heart with time. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

[jrepac]

Hi Carole,

Certainly, those feelings are normal. I've been through that now twice w/my cush pups. You can never do enough for them, no matter what you may have done...:o

But, don't be too hard on yourself; these things are often unpredictable.

My Mandy passed away on her own terms, very suddenly (she always did have a mind of her own!), but I felt terrible that I was not here with her when it happened. Could I have done anything? Probably not, but who knows? You do second guess.

My earlier cush pup, Dolly, had a terrible time with the Cushings disease. She went downhill very quickly and we had to let her go; it was an awful decision to make, but she was in very bad shape. Certainly, these are the times when you ask yourself all of those questions endlessly. But, sometimes these things are fated to happen.

I always remind myself that both my Aussies had very good homes and wonderful, charmed lives, even if Cushings led to them leaving me earlier than I would have liked.

So, remember all the things you did RIGHT, for so long...

Jeff & His Aussie Angels

[bernie47]

Carole, I to read your thread ..i lost my Ebonie on 16 Nov 2010..i to have been ridden with guilt about having to make a decision to let my baby go or watch her suffer .
Ebonie had cushings for over a year , and the vet i was seeing at the time ...never picked it up , and we had not even heard of the disease.
She use to beg for food 24/7..and later started to drink excessively.
Wasn't until little accidents started [ peeing ] while sleeping , did the alarm bells go up . Vet said changed her diet , to much salt ..! So we got 2nd opinion , by this time her cushings had a good hold ..New vet did blood tests and confirmed just what she had thought..i to treated with lysodren ..and followed up with all tests required to treat this terrible disease..she had a mild stroke ..and in the end gave up her will to fight ..i looked at her sorrowful little face one day ..and realized she had had enough, and i said to my husband ..i will not keep her going for my own selfish reasons , and it was then i made the decision to do the unmentionable..at first i felt guilt and then the anger set in ..until one day i read this poem .
i hope you find comfort as i did . May god lighten your load from this day on ..Catherine ..

The Last Battle (http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/lastbatt.htm)

[caroleh]

I want to thank everyone who responded to me regarding our loss of Fritz. If I could personally hug each and every one of you it would be so comforting. I have taken each or your words to heart and I am not beating myself up as much as I was. In my heart of hearts I think Fritz just gave out. He was a puppy mill dog that we rescued. He started with seizures and then went into Cushings. I like so many of you relating your stories had never heard of Cushings and of course I , like many or you, did not have a vet capable of knowing how to handle the situation. My current vet told me Fritz was in a grey area( I tested him frequently) which lead me to believe I had some time. Hubby was going through a scare with cancer and I thought I had time to take care of Fritz. But Fritz developed diabetes, pancreatitis, had cushings and also kidney stones. When we got him to the specialist it was really too late but we gave it a try. A word to each of you that has a Cushing dog. Don't wait. It could end up being too late. Fritz went down hill in just five days.

God Bless each of you and your precious furries

[labblab]

Hi Carole,

I've been thinking of you and Fritz today, and just wanted you to know that! How have things been going for you these last few days?

With lots of hugs,
Marianne